How to tell if he is genuinely interested or is grooming me for sex?

[Wiseman2]

Interesting twist of fate. Perhaps he was nervous all along? If you want to give it another shot that's great. However if the intimacy portion never 'syncs' are you ready to call it quits? Keep in mind if he doesn't want to continue, it could be sheer embarrassment rather than lack of interest in you per se.

I can confidently say it was unfortunately the most unsatisfactory sexual experience I had so far and while I am not sure if it's the same with him, I am pretty sure he was disappointed, too.

 

I no longer have concerns over feeling used and I guess we will see how this will go. We did end up cuddling all night and had a pleasant breakfast so at least that was very nice.

[elyssac]

Interesting twist of fate. Perhaps he was nervous all along? If you want to give it another shot that's great. However if the intimacy portion never 'syncs' are you ready to call it quits?

 

Yeah, interesting, indeed. I think if it never "syncs" I would call it quits (and I am sure so would he). If we see some improvement over time, I would see a potential for compatibility in that area, too, and continue seeing him because I like him quite a bit otherwise and we "click" on pretty much all other aspects. But I think we are so different in bed that if there is no improvement, I don't see much potential in this relationship. I am not completely sure how to improve it, though. A lot of things in his foreplay don't quite match what I like to get turned on. Then I start to slowly get turned off and I think that contributes to the problem with sex. He likes things super gentle and I move around more so our movements are also out of sync. Since it's a major style mismatch, I am not sure if it will actually improve but perhaps it will. I personally like him enough to see if we would improve and looks like he feels similarly, too.

 

I feel a little disappointed about it (I guess I had some sort of expectation in my mind?) but I am sure both of us would want a sexually satisfying relationship and figuring out a major incompatibility early on is important before getting more attached. This also started to change my mind about dating a little bit: perhaps not waiting too long to sleep together is actually a good thing and I should give men more credit for trying to escalate things. I don't think I appreciated that until this date. On the other hand, not feeling comfortable enough with the person to sleep together also increases the chances of a disappointing sexual experience. He actually seemed fairly relaxed and I was the more uncomfortable one, I think. Maybe getting more comfortable next time will help, too.

 

 

Keep in mind if he doesn't want to continue, it could be sheer embarrassment rather than lack of interest in you per se.

He actually didn't seem embarrassed at all. To be fair I don't know how he feels but at least that's what it seemed like. I guess he picked up on my feelings because he asked whether I was frustrated and I said no. He then asked whether I was disappointed and I didn't really know how to answer because I was disappointed but I think talking negatively about this will just make things harder. I kind of feel like we need to be reassuring each other about our attraction while giving feedback on what we like if we want to improve things. I asked if HE was frustrated and he said no, he was fine (But he very clearly was not satisfied).

He seems comfortable and confident enough with himself and me that I don't think he would quit out of embarrassment (plus, I think this is kind of embarrassing for both of us, not just him). I think if he calls it quits, it will just be due to incompatibility.

Edited May 31, 2020 by elyssac

[Jibralta]

I think it's good that you are both able to communicate about this.

[elyssac]

I think it's good that you are both able to communicate about this.

 

Yeah, I am happy about that. He later texted and we jokingly talked about it. He said he was attracted to me and would be happy to try different things until we are both satisfied and would be happy to receive instructions from me. I said I was, too. I think the fact that we are willing to work on it and can communicate easily makes things a bit promising. Otherwise it would probably be a lost cause.

 

Thanks again for being a sounding board here and also giving your inputs and discussing my concerns with me :)

[elyssac]

I'm giving another update here. Things were going very well lately (in fact, getting better in both emotional and physical sense, in my opinion), until yesterday.

 

I thought he was serious about us since he (1) wanted to increase the frequency of our meetups, (2) while talking about how pandemic restrictions are pretty much all relaxed here, said he had no reason to extend his circle of people he interacts with, (3) suggested taking a trip together this summer, and (4) started to get involved in my social media accounts (I get that #4 doesn't mean much but I personally don't do this unless I am intending to start a relationship with someone but I guess people are different). Yesterday, he wanted to move one of our planned dates to another day. I was fine with it and agreed to the change but started wondering if that meant he is seeing other people so I told him "I would appreciate knowing if you are starting to see other people". He told me that he wasn't seeing anyone else at the moment, doesn't date multiple people at once in general since that means too much time commitment, but sure, he would tell me if he does. However, he started to talk to this other woman on an online dating app (where we met).

 

I was chatting with others, too (no dates), until we slept together. I felt like steadily seeing each other (we have been assuming we spend every Friday night together) and escalating our relationship to a physical level, plus the things above he mentioned meant we were exploring the possibility of something real between us now and I personally feel weird either of us looking for others when we are doing this, which is why I had stopped talking to others. But now, I am starting to feel like this (him talking to others) means he is dating me until someone better comes along and has decided that I am just a casual partner. I want to bring this up so I can make an informed decision before my feelings get even more involved. Firstly, do you think I am reading the situation correctly? Secondly, how do you suggest I bring up this question without scaring him off?

 

To be fair, neither of us asked the other to commit to staying exclusive, we just said we have not been seeing others, but we have been chatting for three months, dating for almost two months now. I feel like I want to have a sense of what he thinks/feels about us so far before I get more attached. Do you think it is a reasonable time?

 

Thanks for all your advice so far!

Edited June 9, 2020 by elyssac

[j.man]

How do you know he's talking to this woman on the dating app?

[bluecastle]

Also curious how you know he's talking to this woman. Did he tell you?

[elyssac]

Yes, he told me in the same conversation. He did specify and say he is not seeing her and doesn't think it is a good idea to see multiple people now and started talking about pandemic stuff. But I am assuming he intends to at some point if he is putting time into talking with this person otherwise why would he.

[boltnrun]

You say you "thought" he was serious about you based on what you've observed. But has he SAID he is serious about you? Has he asked you to be in an exclusive dating situation?

[bluecastle]

Here's my question:

 

Do you want to be in an exclusive relationship with him? Or do you want him to want to be in an exclusive relationship with you, so you can decide if you're into him or not?

 

There's a difference.

[elyssac]

Good point. He didn't. He asked if I was seeing other people before but it wasn't a "okay, let's promise to date exclusively" type of talk. That was my assumption, I guess, which is why I want to initiate the conversation. Perhaps the fact that he hasn't initiated that conversation already means something.

[boltnrun]

Unless and until the two of you decide to be in an exclusive relationship, it's best to presume you are not.

 

I agree, a talk is called for. It doesn't have to be a demand or an interrogation. A simple "I'd like for us to be dating each other exclusively, including not sleeping with other people. Would you like that?"

[elyssac]

Here's my question:

 

Do you want to be in an exclusive relationship with him? Or do you want him to want to be in an exclusive relationship with you, so you can decide if you're into him or not?

 

There's a difference.

 

Hmm this is also a great question. I think I would like to be in an exclusive relationship with him but I am not 100% sure yet and I guess I shouldn't expect him to be, either. I guess what I am most curious about is whether he is looking for the same thing and sees a potential here or if he has decided this doesn't have a potential and that's why he is moving on to talking to other people while still spending time with me until he decides to see a particular other person he sees potential with. Perhaps I should be asking him this more specifically. I am not that experienced in dating (only had two long term relationships before this and causally dated two people and ended with mutual understanding of "this is not a good fit" before this). Conversations like this feel pretty uncomfortable to me. But I think I need to learn to be comfortable. Just not too sure how to approach it (or whether that conversation is socially acceptable at this point).

[elyssac]

A simple "I'd like for us to be dating each other exclusively, including not sleeping with other people. Would you like that?"

 

This seems like a good way to bring it up and see what he thinks

[bluecastle]

Perhaps the fact that he hasn't initiated that conversation already means something.

 

Could mean a lot of things.

 

Could mean that he's not that into it, sure. Could mean that he's comfortable with things a bit gray and undefined for the time being. Could also mean that he's scared of scaring you off, much as you are scared of scaring him off. Could mean that he has very little idea how "into" him you are, or if you're even into him.

 

Which goes back to my prior post. What is it, right now, that you want?

 

Right now it seems your primary mode of communication is through interpretation and assumption, with the bulk of it being negative and skeptical. Whether that's your nature, a gut response to him, or simply a so-so level of genuine interest on your part I can't say.

 

But if what you want is to continue to explore this without exploring others—not physically, not over text bubbles—a very simple, non-loaded talk will let you know if he's on the same page. All you have to do is tell him what page you're on, fully, and then see how he responds, how his response makes you feel.

[Wiseman2]

Interesting he would volunteer this. You've been dating long enough and have been intimate enough to expect straight answers.

 

Make sure you are crystal clear that "talking to and seeing...yet", means you will be also. Perhaps pull back from him a bit. Just as strange as doing this months in, is his mentioning this.

I told him "I would appreciate knowing if you are starting to see other people". He told me that he wasn't seeing anyone else at the moment, doesn't date multiple people at once in general since that means too much time commitment, but sure, he would tell me if he does. However, he started to talk to this other woman on an online dating app (where we met).

[reinventmyself]

I don't see anything wrong with sharing with someone - that if you are going to be having sex with each other that there is some agreement of exclusivity.

 

It's not the same as a heavy handed commitment or an ultimatum. It's two people agreeing to not pursue other partners for the time being, to give this the opportunity to see if there is anything worthwhile here. That's all. I don't think it's too much to ask. And if it is, then that's fair. But I won't be crossing that line with someone who is still on line shopping.

 

After all, you went into this with the understanding that he wasn't seeing anyone else. Why change the terms, unless he does so on a technicality? He wasn't seeing anyone else in that moment? Or kudos for him for putting it out there, I guess. Now you get to decide if these are terms you can live with.

 

I've had it happen to me. No harm. I just told him that if he was in a place in his life where he was open to meeting other people, I respected that and encouraged it. I just couldn't continue to have sex with him anymore. It was a very respectful parting and no hard feelings. Typical of me, I was getting attached, but I got over it pretty quickly. He was really good guy and very transparent about things.

 

I am just kinda hardwired that way. I have no hesitation to state it and when I learned to do so, it saved me alot of frusteration and valuable time.

I always remind myself. . .that if a guy is crazy about you, he isn't going to risk losing you. This guy is definitely risking it.

[elyssac]

Which goes back to my prior post. What is it, right now, that you want? Right now it seems your primary mode of communication is through interpretation and assumption, with the bulk of it being negative and skeptical. Whether that's your nature, a gut response to him, or simply a so-so level of genuine interest on your part I can't say. But if what you want is to continue to explore this without exploring others—not physically, not over text bubbles—a very simple, non-loaded talk will let you know if he's on the same page. All you have to do is tell him what page you're on, fully, and then see how he responds, how his response makes you feel.

 

I see a real potential here for a long term relationship. I think you got the right impression that I am interested in exploring this without exploring others. That's what I started to do since we slept together, at least. It looks to me that he is interested in exploring others now if he is starting to talk to them.

I think I am a skeptical person by nature in general but some of that skepticism is being fueled by his sometimes committal, sometimes casual actions. But I get that instead of guessing, I should be communicating about it. I have been feeling uncomfortable with bringing it up but responses here encouraged me that it is indeed OK and a fine time to bring it up. So I will try to talk about it on our next date.

 

Just as strange as doing this months in, is his mentioning this.

 

I very much agree with this. I appreciate him being upfront about it, actually but what I find more odd is, if I understood it correctly, he recently started talking to this person and it wasn't someone he has been chatting with since before we started going out/slept together or anything. That's why I interpreted this as "OK, I don't see a potential with you but this is fun so I'm going to keep asking you out... until I find someone with a potential". I need to talk to him and clarify this. Pulling back might not be a bad idea either because I don't think I realized that I've started to get attached. I got upset to learn this, at least more so than I expected to be. I mean, it's fine and I'll move on if he wants to see others, but yeah, I thought I was being perfectly cautious and didn't realize I have been gradually getting attached/ developing stronger feelings for him over time.

 

 

I've had it happen to me. No harm. I just told him that if he was in a place in his life where he was open to meeting other people, I respected that and encouraged it. I just couldn't continue to have sex with him anymore. It was a very respectful parting and no hard feelings. Typical of me, I was getting attached, but I got over it pretty quickly. He was really good guy and very transparent about things.

 

I am just kinda hardwired that way. I have no hesitation to state it and when I learned to do so, it saved me alot of frusteration and valuable time.

I always remind myself. . .that if a guy is crazy about you, he isn't going to risk losing you. This guy is definitely risking it.

 

Yeah, I feel similarly with you: I don't think I'd like to continue to sleep with him if he is going to be seeing/talking to/ exploring a relationship with other people. It's awesome that you feel comfortable just stating it. I think I need to do that, too, great point on saving frustration and time. And yes, I think if he is willing to start talking to others after this many dates in, he is likely not that interested. I will try to clarify this and see if we are on the same page, and if not, just move on.

 

Thanks everyone again for your comments and encouragement for communication!

Edited June 9, 2020 by elyssac

[reinventmyself]

Yeah, I feel similarly with you: I don't think I'd like to continue to sleep with him if he is going to be seeing/talking to/ exploring a relationship with other people. It's awesome that you feel comfortable just stating it. I think I need to do that, too, great point on saving frustration and time. And yes, I think if he is willing to start talking to others after this many dates in, he is likely not that interested. I will try to clarify this and see if we are on the same page, and if not, just move on.

 

Thanks everyone again for your comments and encouragement for communication!

It was scary the first time i spoke up. The reactions i get reinforce that i am on right track. My self respect along with their respect for my having said so goes up as well.

 

Mind you, I am not asking them for anything. I think it only gets scary when you feel like you are putting yourself on the line asking someone for something you may not get.

 

I make it very clear that am only speaking for myself and not asking for anything in return. I don't do it to get a desired reaction either. It comes from a confident place of self care and a willingness to act on it.

 

I have had men step up when I say what I am respectfuly not willing to do. But that was not my intention.

 

I hope you'll come back and update us.

[elyssac]

 

Mind you, I am not asking them for anything. I think it only gets scary when you feel like you are putting yourself on the line asking someone for something you may not get.

 

I make it very clear that am only speaking for myself and not asking for anything in return. I don't do it to get a desired reaction either. It comes from a confident place of self care and a willingness to act on it.

 

This sounds very important. I think I need to practice it in my mind a little bit (both in terms of how to approach it in conversation and also how to see it as a statement of truth and checking in without expectations)

[Lambert]

This sounds very important. I think I need to practice it in my mind a little bit (both in terms of how to approach it in conversation and also how to see it as a statement of truth and checking in without expectations)

I don't know if its so bad to have some expectations that he is on the same page. After all, isn't that what you want?

 

You like him. You want him to like you, too! Its not a crime. Its completely natural that you like someone you had sex with and that you want a. To be assured to not to get STDs and b. For it to mean more than just sex.

 

You are not expecting too much.

 

Of course, you should have protected yourself better before u had sex... But c'est la vie!

 

Find a good time. You're happy, he's happy...

 

Be cute about it, easy and playful... Yes. You jumped in, but open sex is outside your comfort zone. You tried being cool about but you're being honest, that is not really your way... what does he think?

 

If he says he's not looking to be exclusive or anything you don't want to hear, then deal with it. You're not doing yourself any favors setting up this dynamic where your needs aren't met because it keeps him around or whatever.

 

Give him the chance to meet you at your level. He may do just that.

 

Whatever happens, you got your own back. It'll be fine...Head high. Lesson learned. Then you find a guy that wants the same things as you.

[SophiaG]

Like reinventmyself, I had learned to initiate the exclusivity talk when I felt ready and the guy hadn't brought it up. I only had to do it once, and the idea was a bit scary but once I spoke up it wasn't so bad. Know that no matter how you present it (as a question, a request, or simply telling him where you are), there is the possibility of disappointment. You can say you have no expectations whatsoever, but everyone has a "desired outcome" - if you were completely indifferent about him seeing others then you wouldn't need to bring it up. I had to accept that being vulnerable and risking rejection/disappointment is unavoidable in the pursuit of love. My confidence and strength lie in knowing that even if rejection hurts, I will eventually be okay. It is much better to know whether we are on the same page, or not, than spending another few weeks or months in ambiguity and still getting hurt in the end (probably hurt worse as you are getting attached over time).

[elyssac]

Im writing another update here, because I feel like things have been a rollercoaster and I feel quite hurt and would really appreciate some support and perhaps words of wisdom. Really sorry for this wall of text. I'll try to make it as readable as possible.

 

I guess I never gave an update at the time, but two weeks after I last wrote here, I lightheartedly brought up the topic of exclusivity and asked him if we could agree to exclusively date each other, to which he said "sure, I am not seeing anyone else right now anyway". I think it was true, I don't think he ended up dating the other woman he was talking to on the app, although not completely sure.

 

 

For a while things were progressing again

He started acting more seriously. I was pretty busy with work around that time, submitting a research paper with a deadline, so I had to work longer, which meant some of our dates were now starting later in the evening. He was upset about it. He said he wanted us to try to make time for each other because that's how you get to know people and there are always other commitments so it's easy to make excuses. I was actually happy that he was upset about this because it made me feel like he was getting more serious about me / about exploring a serious relationship between us. And I agreed with what he said. He was also upset at some point if I didn't respond quickly in our chats because he said "he doesn't always know if he has my attention when we were chatting". I said I would make sure to pay attention to him while chatting, and make more time etc. For a few weeks to come, we planned dates with quality time. He invited me to an in-person gathering with his friends despite already having a date the previous day and spending the previous night together. When he realized I got sleepy (this was a gathering in the evening), he said "elyssac got sleepy, we will head home" and we left together. He had explained to me that he needed to get up really early for something at work the next day. The original plan was for me to sleep over at his place that night and leave early in the morning but my house is really close to his already. It was already late at night, all we would do was sleep and probably not even have breakfast in the morning. So I said "perhaps it would make sense for me to go home instead". He thought there was an issue and asked me what was up and why I was changing my mind. I said there wasn't any issue but since all we will do is sleep perhaps this made more sense. He took this to mean I was suggesting I didn't want to have sex with him that night so he said "I don't invite you over just to have sex, you know that, right?" I said "yes" and then felt uncomfortable with the misunderstanding between us and said I would go in (we were already by his house). I ended up spending the night there. Later, when he was discussing with his roommates how strict they should be about visitors at their house, he referred to me as his "significant other" and said "we each have a significant other, so everyone gets one guest max, their significant other, and doesn't bring over any other guests". We also talked about how we should talk more often like we used to. He said it was one of the things he liked about me -- that we could converse about interesting topics and it's not good if we lose that. We also started talking about more serious topics, like marriage and kids. We didn't say we wanted to marry or have kids but just discussed our ideas of what we want from life and I was happy to see them align. When all these were happening, I started to like him more and started feeling like I wanted to be involved with this guy seriously.

 

I don't know if I have made a mistake of assuming that we were each other's "exclusive significant other" from all of these because he is definitely now acting like we are just friends with benefits. We did agree to be exclusive, he did call me his significant other. Was I wrong to make that assumption?

 

The change didn't happen all of a sudden, it started going down for a while again

Firstly, we started chatting up much less frequently. Despite saying how he wanted us to talk more because that's what he liked about us in the first place, one week when he was busy with work, he brought up to me twice that we "seem to chat a lot, we should just do that when we meet in person". So I dialed back my texting, thinking he is pretty busy these days with work anyway. Soon, we just started having no communication between dates at all. In a conversation when I complimented some of his friends I've met, he jokingly acted jealous and I told him that while I knew he was joking, I like liked him and he didn't need to feel jealous. He didn't say he liked me back. At first it bothered me, but I thought "he is dating me, he obviously likes me". This happened once more, actually. I told him I liked him during pillow talk and he said "awww". A few weeks went like this and I felt like our relationship has been changing for the worse. I decided I needed to talk to him about what was not working and check whether we are on the same page again.

 

Over dinner, I brought up the topic and asked "I feel like you don't seem as happy and I feel like we aren't connecting as much. Let's talk about what's not working". He said he was happy and things were fine. I said it felt like things started annoying him more easily (We were having some -in my opinion- very insignificant conflicts like me spilling some stuff while cooking in his kitchen, and him getting visibly angry and annoyed by it etc. These happened a few times as I am a bit more clumsy than him and he pays attention to keeping the kitchen clean while cooking more than I do). He insisted this were fine but started getting visibly annoyed by the conversation (as in, his facial expression and tone of his voice were changing). I asked whether he doesn't feel comfortable enough with me to discuss these and whether he doesn't feel we are close enough for that. He said sometimes when you are close enough with someone, stakes are higher when you talk about issues. I said I would encourage him to bring up issues and I personally feel more comfortable talking about them if Im close with someone. He got angry and said "stop trying to figure out how close we are with questions like this" but that wasn't what I was trying to do. I said "I just want you to be happy" and he said "I want you to be happy, too" in an angry voice and then apologized for his angry tone. So this ended up being a pretty useless conversation. I thought it didn't achieve its purpose, things went on like this for a while again, but didn't know how to bring up the conversation again without it leading to the same outcome. I regret that now.

 

Fast forward four weeks later, I think he is seeing someone else.

Last week, during our date, he kept checking his phone and the texting app he uses although he had no messages. It felt like he was waiting for a text from someone. He did that multiple times throughout the day and it's not something he does usually. In fact, he used to encourage us to put phones aside during our dates. We didn't talk the whole week and on Saturday, I texted him about something random we discussed in our previous date. Then we talked about how his birthday is coming up. I mentioned to him that I was originally planning a surprise but then thought it might be a bad idea since he mentioned he usually makes dinner plans with his friends and has been very busy with a deadline at work that's coming up. My idea basically involved dinner and cake with his roommates that evening. He said that sounded good and "we were all his friends" so this would still be dinner with friends, just the ones in this "pandemic pond". Later, when I causally mentioned weather in the conversation, he said "oh yeah, I was going to ask you if you wanted to come over this afternoon". I asked if he had time on Sunday and if we could meet then instead. He responded with "hahaha :D". I said "Im glad you find that amusing, but seriously, can we do Sunday?". He didn't respond for a while and then came back to say "Sorry, chatting with multiple people, hard to pay attention, let's talk on the phone instead". On the phone he said he already had some Sunday plans, he is supposed to go on a bike ride with his friend at 4:30pm so it might be difficult. He asked what time I would want to meet so he would plan accordingly. I was getting annoyed that (1) he asked to meet up almost last minute, (2) didn't bother to pay attention to my text properly when he previously got angry at me for "not giving my attention while we were texting", (3) I have already been having this growing suspicion that there might be someone else involved here, (4) felt like he has been treating me increasingly more casually. I am pretty sure I made my frustration show through my tone of voice and said "if you are busy then maybe we should meet during the week". Afterall, he was the one saying you can't get to know someone with dates starting at 7pm. He asked me if there was a problem and I said no. I think he thought I was jealous and said "my friend, he and I planned this ahead of time. He and I are going to bike to X place but I can plan to get back early" He started saying "he" multiple times, as if he were trying to reassure me that this was a guy friend and I shouldn't be jealous. I said if he makes back by 6:30, I'd love to meet up with him. Otherwise he should just let me know when he gets back and we will see.

 

While this somewhat soothed me, I couldn't resist my urges. The dating app where we met has this thing where you can see people's stats on their activities on the app if you pay for a monthly subscription. It always felt like a waste of money to me to do that just to stalk people but I was tempted to do it. I checked his activity a few times throughout that Saturday, and his chat response time was different at all three times that I checked. Clearly, he was busy chatting with someone all of Saturday.

 

Come Sunday, at 6pm, he texts me saying it would be a stretch to try to meet tonight so we should take a walk during the week perhaps. Later, around 8pm, I went out to take my evening walk. As I mentioned earlier, we live in the same town and our houses are fairly close to each other. I saw him biking back with someone indeed. But that friend definitely looked like a woman, and not a man. My suspicion is that she might be the woman he is chatting with on the app, but no way to know, of course. After that I texted him "Hey, hope you enjoyed your bike ride. Can we meet during the week and take a walk and talk? I'd like to walk with you and talk sometime soon. Let me know what day works for you". He texted back saying the bike ride was a lot of fun and he could do Tuesday or Wednesday at 6pm. He clearly didn't feel like he could mention to me he was seeing a female friend, probably because she is not a friend. If he felt he had to lie, he must think it is something he needs to hide. And despite the last time, he didn't even mention he was talking to a new woman or anything, I feel blindsided.

 

 

I want to be able to talk about this with him

So that (1) I make sure there is no misunderstanding, (2) walk away if he decided there is nothing between us, (3) just attempt again to align us on the same page. But currently I feel so hurt. I feel as if I have been cheated on. What's worse is, I don't even know if I am validated in feeling that way. I know we never said we were in a serious relationship but we did agree to be exclusive and he did refer to me as his significant other before. I let him know I "like liked" him. I think it must be reasonable to expect that he just not see other women, period. It's also awful that whenever I try to think about how I am going to talk about this, I get tearful. In every version of the conversation in my head, I am tearful. I definitely cannot appear desperate and this vulnerable when I talk to him about this. I guess I need to practice it multiple times to appear strong. I wish this had happened like 2 months ago, before I decided I actually liked him quite a bit. I guess it has been 4-5months only, but started developing real feelings and it hurts more when that happens. I also feel like he thinks I am not good enough for him, something is missing for him so he is looking outside now. I look back and think "perhaps I should have done X/Y etc". Feeling that way, of course, does not help. Lastly, I thought this was a trustworthy, decent man. This just makes me lose trust in people in general and that feels perhaps even worse.

 

Does anyone have any advice? I think I need some support right now.

Edited August 31, 2020 by elyssac

[Wiseman2]

Stop chasing him. He's just not onboard with what you want. Having repetitive tedious relationship talks isn't helping.

 

You seem to be struggling with this too much. Dating shouldn't be this much of a headache or mystery .

 

Have you read the book 📚 He's Just Not That Into You?

[boltnrun]

Talk after talk after talk.

 

When someone wants to be with you there is no need for multiple "talks". You would be very clear.

 

It's not that you're "not good enough for him". Stop that. It's that he wants to date around. And when he "agreed" to be exclusive he didn't enthusiastically say "I don't want to date anyone else. I want to date only you." He said "sure, I am not seeing anyone else right now anyway" That's not exactly a ringing endorsement. And if pressed he would probably say he didn't lie, right at the time you asked him he wasn't seeing anyone else. But since then, maybe, maybe not. Probably he is.

 

You are trying to force this and he is not on board. Having umpteen "talks" will not change that.

 

BTW, referring to you as a "significant other" doesn't mean diddly. It's just a convenient term. His actions are what matters.