Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 2 of 2 FirstFirst 12
Results 11 to 20 of 20

Thread: Seeing Other People 1 Month In

  1. #11
    Originally Posted by Batya33
    I would have felt differently if she'd said "I'm really into you so far, I am looking for something serious right now, see potential here and I'm not quite ready to be exclusive." But instead she said that she's not into monogamy right now because she just ended a long relationship, and said nothing about you being the top contender were she to be ready.
    Well, yes and no. For posterity and accuracy, I mostly painted a picture basically entirely of the negative aspects of this situation, so I can see why everyone seems to think it's a no-brainer to end it. After we had that initial conversation, she told me she likes me, and is very interested in a monogamous relationship, just not right now. I felt like she was giving me pretty strong signals that, despite her commitment to herself not to jump head-on into a relationship, she is interested in having one with me.

    I agree that the fact she even told me she is not interested in being exclusive could mean that she's just not that into me, and maybe that would be true from some individuals' perspective. But it could also mean that she has atrong s conscience and doesn't want to hurt me because she is interested but not ready. She told me last night that she was in a relationship with her high school sweetheart from 7th grade to early college, so her experience certainly seems congruent with what she's telling me (she jumps into long relationships and is trying to avoid doing that too quickly). But also, it's interesting that the two females who replied came to the same conclusion, so I'm certainly taking that into consideration.

    But alas, yeah I was thinking my initial negative feelings about the situation should be my compass. It's too early for feelings of negativity. I'll tell her that I cant continue to see her under these circumstances, but I am interested in her and hope she'll give me a call if she decides she wants to be exclusive.

    Yeah I guess when I read that last sentence it sounds like I've already been rejected. It's just hard to believe given the way she responds to me, acts around me, etc.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    Posts
    21,563
    You sound like a terrific guy, but I do not think she is the one for you.

    I would move on.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2017
    Posts
    1,683
    she told me she likes me, and is very interested in a monogamous relationship, just not right now

    I felt like she was giving me pretty strong signals that, despite her commitment to herself not to jump head-on into a relationship, she is interested in having one with me.
    OP I suggest taking her at her word vs these signals you speak of. The words in bold are the ones you need to pay attention to. At the end of the day it's your choice whether to wait, or to let her go and perhaps to keep the door open for when she is ready to settle down. There are risks to waiting for her... she may not choose you after all... and you risk sitting in anxiety and frustration while she makes a decision... but if you feel she is worth it then by all means go for it!

  4. #14
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2015
    Location
    central Florida
    Posts
    3,657
    Gender
    Female
    She's sowing her wild oats with you and whatever other guys are willing to do that. She's going crazy licking every flavor of lollipop in the candy shop, and one day she will grow tired of that and will want to get off her sugar high.

    Never wait around for what a person isn't ready for in the here and now. Nobody's worth putting your life on hold for or wasting your time on, hoping she'll pick you like you're on The Bachelorette show. She's not the only fun, attractive, sexy woman in your local dating pool. Keep cutting the losers loose so you can find a woman who shares your dating style.

    When I dated, I had those discussions myself with guys once it got to the point we'd be making out. I held out for someone who liked to focus on one person at a time, and my future husband shared my exact viewpoint on that area. We've now been married for 8 years.

    It takes a lot of sifting through the sand to find the treasure, so get back to the beach.

  5.  

  6. #15
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    May 2008
    Posts
    7,778
    If you want an exclusive relationship with someone you see potential with, move on. This is not the woman for you. She has already told you that she's not ready for one, so believe it.

    I've been in situations where I've not been ready for a relationship because I was still licking my wounds after a breakup, and just had to be honest to guys who were interested. Some took me at my word, and we carried on going out to concerts/meals/coffee as friends; one or two decided that I did want a relationship, just not at that time, and I had to let them down as gently as I could.

    If she's not ready for you, she's not ready for you. It means she isn't available right now. You've got a lot to give the right person, so get back out there and find her!

  7. #16
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2017
    Posts
    3,491
    Gender
    Male
    The first few months—the first month, especially—are a fragile time when the boat of another can be easily rocked by a hiccup. Being blunt, I think what happened is that your 2am hiccup caused her to hiccup. If she was a touch thrown by the Burrito Incident, she was really thrown when you couldn't let it lie for a bit and get back to regularly scheduled programming.

    Yes, you were being light and funny, but she understood the subtext: you would like to be boyfriend/girlfriend, and you would prefer that happen ASAP, ideally yesterday. Or you'd at least like to feel that she very much wants to be your girlfriend, so you can continue exploring your feelings and connection with confidence and lightness.

    And in that moment something that was light and fun and bubbling with some legit potential turned heavy, less fun, and more limited, for her. You went from being a guy she was enjoying getting to know to a guy she was worried about hurting, a guy who didn't see things as she saw them and didn't see her as she wants to be seen —and, by extension, you became a guy she was less serious about. I bet she's a little bummed about that pivot too, since, yes, she liked/likes you. Still, pivots are pivots, hiccups are hiccups.

    That's not blaming you, or pointing out where you jumped the shark. You didn't. With a better match, it could have all played out differently, and that, more than her, is the person you want to be dating. I say start looking for that woman, taking all this as evidence that she is not that woman. You can keep this door ajar, if that's in your wheelhouse, but I wouldn't expect much, nor do I think you've got that in you, judging from your tone here.

    I suspect my girlfriend would have run for the hills had I started making jokes about being her boyfriend after a month, or labeled her my girlfriend to a loopy, prying stranger. But that was't me, so we were able to navigate those fragile days pretty seamlessly. Good match. Luck. Prior to her I turned people off with some hiccups, and was turned off by the hiccups of other—dating, the sour parts in pursuit of the sweet. Bad matches. Life.

    You're awesome. She's awesome. But don't become less awesome to accommodate her. Nothing good comes from that.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2016
    Posts
    9,284
    Listen to what she herself told you, rather than what you want these so-called "signals" to mean.

    Only keep dating her if you can truly handle that fact she is dating other men, too.

    It's funny, I had a chat about something similar with a male relative of mine not long ago. He's recently out of a 12-year marriage and just dipping his toes back into the dating game. Meeting women, having some fun. Though he was honest that he didn't want a relationship at this time, it became clear that two of them still wanted more (ie. exclusivity) so he was reiterated to both that he wasn't looking for a relationship right now and is dating around and seeing others. Based on his description of how they responded to that, it was clear to me that both these ladies were selectively hearing what they wanted to hear - that maybe they would have a shot at a relationship later. I am sure that neither would be pleased to know that the very weekend he and I had that chat, a different woman entirely spent the night at his place. He had been honest he didn't want commitment with the first two, and he was very much not interested in taking things further. He meant it. It seemed they both were doing what you are doing now - taking bits and pieces of what was actually said to you, and attempting to find some semblance of hope in your own interpretation of those words. And probably hoping against hope that the person in question is not actually seeing others, when in fact they are and having a great time doing so.

    For what it's worth, the aforementioned relative told me has since kindly cut contact with the two women who were still hoping for more. He's not in a place to offer more than some unencumbered, casual good times, and he doesn't yet know when he will get there. The woman in your situation is essentially telling you the same thing. Believe her.

  9. #18
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Posts
    50,687
    I would continue to date someone who had the general goal "right now" of finding a serious relationship and was not ready after a few dates to be exclusive with me but not if he also wanted sex to be involved in our dating or if he was having casual sex with multiple women (because that would have meant incompatible values). If he was not ready now to be in the mindset of looking for a serious relationship I wouldn't continue dating him while waiting for him to "be ready".

    I think you overdo it in describing this as a "commitment to herself" not to jump into a relationship. I don't get the sense it's as formal as that for her -she simply is a gal having fun shopping around after a long term relationship ended and she fancies you but doesn't want to close off options because why should she - eventually she wants something serious with someone but not now so she's keeping options open not to make sure she picks the right person to get serious with (which is why I kept options open - I didn't put my eggs in one basket with someone I'd just recently met especially when I was in my 30s and the dating pool was dwindling somewhat) but because she wants to keep her options open to have fun. Very different goals and my other sense is that if someone knocks her socks off her "commitment" will go out the window.

    She does like you, she is attracted to you and I think part of her reason for telling you this early on "I'm not looking for a relationship right now" is because at this point she doesn't feel a particularly strong spark with you. That could change but if her mindset is not serious minded she also has little motivation to even recognize if the spark gets stronger.

  10. #19
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2017
    Age
    29
    Posts
    1,884
    Gender
    Female
    Two months after a one and half year relationship is too soon. Don't be the rebound, step away.

  11. #20
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Location
    New Jersey
    Posts
    22,379
    Gender
    Female
    Speaking only for myself, I would pretzel for no one--especially someone who's only a month out of a LTR. I'd rather say, "I really like you and can picture the two of us together in the future, but I didn't realize that you were so newly out of a relationship. I can appreciate why that would have you unready for a relationship, so I'm walking away while we both still think highly of one another. If you ever decide that you're relationship material, you can let me know. If I'm still available then, we can meet to catch up. Otherwise, I wish you the best."

    Hanging around a rebounder hoping for something to 'take' isn't productive--or good for your own head. I'd skip that and keep the door open for better timing in the future.

    Read up on rebounding, and screen better going forward.

Page 2 of 2 FirstFirst 12

Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •