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Thread: I messed up big(long story)

  1. #1
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    I messed up big(long story)

    I was very new to dating and It was my first time in a sort of relationship. I am 21 and she was 2 years older than me. Just a backstory, The very first thing she starts talking about is her Ex boyfriend and she starts comparing me to him the first night we are alone together. After I cooked dinner, she immediately gives me the vibe that she wants to start something new with me. I begin to get scared and have red flags, and by morning hit she starts texting me after she left saying that I needed to tell her that If I didn't like her to tell her. I asked if we could talk in person about this and she says no. I began to feel really pressured I didn't really know what I felt towards her and had no feelings as of now, because I barely knew her, but I told her that I wasn't sure if I wanted anything too serious right now. She starts to cry over the phone thinking that I was rejecting her. Keeping this as short as possible we were able to work it out and I told her I want to take it slow for now. I just didn't know what I wanted at this point.

    However After this It was like What I said didn't even happen. She treated me like a boyfriend, always texting my phone demanding that I came to her place. I wasn't allowed to talk to other girls, have them on my social media as well. In fact I remember having to physically show her and prove that I wasn't talking to anyone else. I wasn't allowed to assume things or she would get real pissed. I had to communicate everything to her or she would get real mad as well when something was bothering me even If it wasn't about her I had to tell her or she would get upset for some reason. When she would go out I remember her getting mad at me because I didn't hit her phone and apparently she was mad at me for not showing her attention that night. I remember telling my roommate these things and he said she sounds needy and annoying and said I should just ditch her. I personally thought these were just part of being in a relationship so I never thought anything of it. Despite all of these things she had ideas of us going to the movies, Ice skating I took her out to eat a few times. She wanted me to meet her parents, and go back to her hometown. I was so overwhelmed and before I knew it We had deep conversations about our lives and past so I knew some somewhat personal stuff very early on in the relationship.

    She would talk about her Ex-boyfriends and people she hooked up with quite a lot. in fact she had this crazy amount of hatred for all of them saying they were all terrible people saying that she thought she could change them, but it failed. She did this a lot that It started to change my brain and I felt that I had to be overly nice to her to not end up on this list. I walked on eggshells, avoided conflict so I wasn't as honest as before and etc. I really felt on edge with her when I was around, because she would yell at me a lot over the simplest things. She revealed to me that she was bipolar as well so it made me even more lenient. When I would yell back at her, she would be upset stating that I was not allowed to yell at her but she was allowed to yell at me. I began to apologize for things that weren't really my fault, and she wouldn't really admit to her mistakes either. When we would get in arguments she would bring up the whole "I don't want something serious remark" I made which made me feel even more bad.

    Well after a month and a half of intense "dating" she suddenly stopped talking to me for a whole 2 weeks(mid terms and spring break was why I didn't talk). When I asked her why we didn't talk anymore she says its because I don't talk to her and was expecting me to start the conversations. I agreed, but then I voiced my concerns saying I felt like she was pushing me away and that she is not really into as much anymore. She yells back that Its because she is going through some things as her friend died or something like that. I offer my support saying Im here and stating I would be there for her if she wanted which was really stupid and needy of me. She says she wanted to be alone, but then says she wants to hangout in the library or her house. The next day she begins texting my phone asking for favors which I think that's kind of odd If she wanted time away. I misunderstood what she actually really wanted, because I began hitting her up between our breaks when we would normally hang out on campus. My idea was to try and support her the best I could maybe help take her mind off her loss as she was skipping class and all that jazz. She always had an excuse which was every other day. eventually the end of the week came and I asked her If she wanted to maybe get together during the weekend. Her attitude towards me completely changes and sounds annoyed over the phone. She tells me, we can do it next weekend and I kind of get the message and gave her space for a week. Well I would come back and she still acted very passive aggressive toward me giving me excuses saying she was tired and not wanting to hang.I asked her, Is there something I'm doing wrong? she says no its not an excuse she's just tired, and we'll do it another day this weekend. When I asked what day of the weekend so I could clear my day she goes silent.

    I finally realize she really meant she wanted to be alone which I felt stupid and knew I was pissing her off after all. When I said this she begins replying to my messages again, and says that I don't bother her and it was ok. I tell her just text me when you want to talk/hangout again and tried to make it clear that I cared. I see her on campus like 6 days later of no contact and space. I know I shouldn't have done this, but I went up to her and wanted to make sure how she was feeling at least which was really dumb of me. She gives me a cryptic "IDK" and I start to walk the other way, but she tells me to walk with her. We talk and at the end when she is going to class she tells me to text her after we exchange hugs and kisses. I did just that and she still gave me an excuse saying she didn't have any money and didn't want me to buy her anything for food. I start to get real mad and confused and tried to confront her. When I tried to confront her 4 days later and then 5 days later after specifically asking to talk about something, she ghosted me both times. I just lose it and call her out on it and she replies back with saying she wasn't at her phone and was with her friends. I just gave up and tried to move on at this point.

    A month later a mutual friend asks how we were doing and I said It's over, because we hadn't talked in a month. She says don't sweat it and her friends go off on a tangent about her saying she is indeed kind of crazy and don't really hang out with her much anymore. Me still being mad about this just agrees, and goes off with what they say. I tell them everything she was doing to me and saying to me from comparing me to her ex, to trying to limit how many females I have on my social media etc. Well big mistake, because a week later she comes up to me on pills and drunk out of her mind screaming at me. She says that I was talking bad about her behind her back and If I had a problem that I should have said it to her face. She said all that time she didn't want my support because she barely knows me (understandable), and claimed that she was going to text me back. I told her she seemed like she wanted nothing to do with me and she replies with "you know I hate when you assume I never said we were done". Apparently, I wasn't respecting her space which was why she was ignoring me. She breaks up with me and cries to her friend on his shoulder. She then accused me of going up to other girls and cheating on her at the bar(we had 0 contact for a month so I didn't think we were anything anymore). Funny thing is her friends came over to me and said they didn't blame me for calling her crazy and they think the same thing. I felt real bad, because I felt like I ruined her reputation. I was just really confused and upset, but her friends said don't worry about this night she will forget about it, because she was crazy intoxicated. I tried to apologize profusely I felt so ashamed of myself after all of this but the damage was already done. She tells me to move forward as she was trying to do the same. I get out the last of what I had to say and tell her I won't bother her anymore.

    I was really upset and keep beating myself up. I told myself if I had given her more space and been more respectful none of this would have ever happen. I just didn't think It is fair that I had to open up and tell her things, but she was allowed to stay silent. In fact she was like that with a lot of things and I think it was plain unfair. I just wished I knew how much space she really needed and I shouldn't have been so clingy or needy. I just feel like I lost my only chance at dating and I will never have a shot again. She wasn't communicating and I truthfully thought she was dumping me, however she denied it and would still kind of give me a hard time for going up to other girls. I feel like it was all my fault and no matter how I tried to fix it I couldn't but it would make things worse. Maybe I just suck at dating. I am having a hard time moving on from this.
    Last edited by phillyphill; 07-17-2019 at 09:04 PM.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Try reading about being bipolar and its varying degrees (third paragraph). If she's not getting treatment for her mental health or sticking to it, it's not going to get any better on its own or in any relationship. You seem very naive and oblivious to this illness. You're expecting behaviours that are unrealistic of her at this point and that's where you're running into failed expectations and disappointment in the relationship. Her friends shouldn't be reaching out to you or you to them. It's disrespectful to her and it only shows that you don't have much discretion when it comes to your personal relationships or break ups.

    You seem like a healthy and stable individual who's mixed up with the wrong people at the wrong time, sheltered and expectant of far too much out of far too little. Don't be discouraged by your mistakes and I don't suggest you get further mixed up with her friends or respond to any badmouthing of her behind her back. It's not looking good on you. Where are your own friends? Start being around more of your people and meet new people in the process too. Don't fix this. It's time to walk away and put this behind you.

    Your last paragraph feeling hopeless: you're 21. This is not your last shot at dating. I'd suggest that you also take a good long hard look at your self-esteem and ask yourself why it's so deep in the gutter. You'll have to do the homework and repair your self-esteem before you're ready to ever date again.

  3. #3
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    Is this the girl who prefers black men?

  4. #4
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    She revealed to me that she was bipolar .

    You know, many people throw this term around like they were describing a bad mood.

    I legit do have bipolar (bipolar 2) and NONE, literally none of the behaviours you described are associated with this disease. In fact I am insulted by the mere suggestion of it.

    I walked on eggshells, avoided conflict ...

    If you want to ascribe her behaviours to a mental issue, Borderline Personality Disorder sounds more on par with what you describe.

    In any event, girl is an emotional mess, manipulative, controlling just to name a few.

    If you want to maintain your sanity, I would suggest you leave and follow the advice given by Rose below.

    I'd suggest that you also take a good long hard look at your self-esteem and ask yourself why it's so deep in the gutter. You'll have to do the homework and repair your self-esteem before you're ready to ever date again.

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  6. #5
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    I understood that bad mouthing her was wrong, but itís still not fair. She disrespected me countless times and abused me. According to her we werenít even broken up yet, but we hadnít talked in a month. Her friends were actually mutual friends of mine, plus I had my own friends as well.

    You donít know how stressful it is to feel trapped in a relationship/dating someone. I reached a point in this whole thing where I had enough still trying to talk with her about it, but still getting treated poorly.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    You're not trapped.
    Originally Posted by phillyphill
    You donít know how stressful it is to feel trapped in a relationship/dating someone.

  8. #7
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    You're not trapped.
    I was kind of trapped, she is being passive aggressive towards me. Didnít hit me up for a month and I assumed it was over. However Iím not allowed to assume with her so she creamed at me for that.

  9. #8
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    Originally Posted by phillyphill
    I was kind of trapped, she is being passive aggressive towards me. Didnít hit me up for a month and I assumed it was over. However Iím not allowed to assume with her so she creamed at me for that.
    Relationships are a choice, not a prison sentence you are required to serve out. You can leave the relationship any time you choose.


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