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Thread: The Other Woman or Not

  1. #1

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    The Other Woman or Not

    Iím a divorced lady and I started seeing a married guy about 3 years ago. He claims that he hasnít been intimate or involved with his wife since before we met. I know thatís a typical excuse for a man wanting to have his bread buttered both sides but part of me fell for it. But then I noticed that heís still very much involved with his wife and her family. Many photos and co-incidences of events have surfaced and every time I approached him about it, he has all kinds of excuses - that itís old photos or events that happened years ago. He kept saying he is starting divorce proceedings but he said itís delayed because of finance issues and because his wife is waiting for him to be financially stable before she files for divorce. I feel he is trying to hold onto to me because of sex and because he says he enjoys his life more because of our traveling and doing spontaneous things. I somehow donít believe anything he says and Iíve tried to break it off many times but when I do he accuses me of cheating on him - which is absolutely untrue. How can I leave him without him having this hold on me? Also I still have strong feelings for my ex husband but he wonít reconcile because of my involvement. How can I let go of what I am doing wrong without him having to make me feel like Iím the guilty one?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    Really? He's not going to leave her, he likes his bread buttered on both sides. You are being a fool for believing him. All of his excuses are BS. If he wanted to split from her, he would have done it long ago.

    Let him accuse you of cheating, what does that matter? HE is a cheater!!! Tell him it's over, block and delete him and change your phone number. Dont talk to him. Time for you to wake up.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Go out and meet other people. I think you're stuck seeing the same men, thinking this is it for you. As a result you continue to associate all your options with the married man and your ex-husband. Your marriage is over, imo. It's not fair to keep stringing him along. The married man is a dead end. Let him go.

  4. #4
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    Originally Posted by BetsyBlu
    How can I let go of what I am doing wrong without him having to make me feel like Iím the guilty one?
    You can't. Simple as that. Ex's will often try to turn this into your fault and/or try to guilt you, no matter what. It doesn't matter what you say, or what you do, even if you're in the right. It will be easier for you just to accept he'll never come to terms with you breaking up with him and to bite the bullet. It doesn't matter what he, or anyone else thinks. This is for you.

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  6. #5
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    I'm sure he's planning to leave his wife soon, probably this week. He's shopping for your engagement ring! And looking for houses for the two of you.

    Not.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    He doesn't have any hold on you. You are actively choosing to buy his bs and outrageous lies in order to have an affair and help this loser cheat on his wife. You KNOW this perfectly well. So better question is what's wrong with you and your life that you are stooping so pitifully low? Getting rid of him is very simple - block and delete and be done. If he can't contact you, he can't stay in your life and keep feeding you bs and lies. You are allowing it willingly.

    As for him accusing you of cheating. Seriously hilarious. Cheaters quite often accuse others of cheating. It's really a form of gaslighting. While you are busy defending your loyalty, you have no time to take a better look at his lack of. I'd also bet good money that his wife has no idea that she wants to divorce him......and how are you two traveling if he is so broke she can't divorce him until he gets his finances in order? I really hope you aren't funding him on these trips....because....well.....censored.....

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Cope's Avatar
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    You're half way there, trust your guts. You don't really want to be with this guy, so why do you care what he thinks? Take him off that pedestal, go NC and block him as already advised.

    Focus on all the negatives and remember, you're doing this for YOU because you deserve way much more than he's offering.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Sounds, actually, like what you have right now is the perfect man for what you want.

    Seeing a married manóa man who, let's be real, you don't trust, respect, or see a future with, since his relationship with you wouldn't exist without him being a liar and a cheateróallows you to enjoy the comforts of a "relationship" while holding out hope that you and your ex-husband will reconcile.

    Except he won't entertain that because you're seeing someoneósomeone who, alas, is married. Which, even if you ended things, your ex-husband might have reasons to be less than enthusiastic about a round two with youósince aside from whatever went wrong in your marriage he now knows you to be someone who will engage in an affair.

    The story that you have somehow "tried" to break it off but "failed"ówell, that's not real. That's the comforting story that allows you to avoid admitting that you've chosen this life and are as active a participant as he is. He's choosing to cheat on his wife, you're choosing, really, to cheat on yourself.

    And it's very messy. But that mess does allow you to avoid something, which is being alone.

    Thing is? Right now? You're even lonelier than alone. None of the romantic interests in your life are the path to anything like happiness. Take a deep breath, accept that, cut them out, and feel the waves of feelings you need to feel. It'll be hard, but you'll survive. You'll be stronger, truer, and proud of yourself for shedding these husks. There's real happiness right thereóright there waiting for you to grab it. And when you do you'll have something that you value enough to share with someone who can value it back.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by BetsyBlu
    Iíve tried to break it off many times but when I do he accuses me of cheating on him - which is absolutely untrue. How can I leave him without him having this hold on me? Also I still have strong feelings for my ex husband but he wonít reconcile because of my involvement. How can I let go of what I am doing wrong without him having to make me feel like Iím the guilty one?
    How does one feel obligated to a dysfunctional relationship when they are accused of cheating? So, you aren't staying because this is healthy, viable relationship? Instead you are staying to prove him wrong? Think about this for a minute.

    If you know the truth, who cares what any body else thinks?
    He says it because it gets a rise out of you and it works. How about you break that spell and shrug it off the next time he says it. Don't give anyone that kind of power to where you catch yourself unable to act on your own behalf.

    (Personally, I'd laugh at the absurdity)

    Change your phone number while you are at it and go out with some girlfriends instead.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    Just tell him you will tell his wife everything....he will leave you alone.

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