The Other Woman or Not

[ThatwasThen]

I think the last thing this Op needs is enabling dialogue to convince her that she is some sort of victim so I respectfully disagree with Cope in this situation.

 

Op: You obviously do have some sort of issue such as low self-esteem or you are simply just not open to being in a committed relationship and that is why you chose to give yourself to a man that wasn't free to be with you but neither of those things is an excuse to enable a man to cheat on his partner. This is not a case of him lying about his marital status and conning you into what you've gotten yourself into.

 

Get yourself into therapy to figure out what your issue(s) are so that you don't keep finding yourself pining over men that are clearly not going to commit to you. Subconsciously I don't believe you want the commitment but you have become addicted to the drama and the need to WIN.

 

Stop the merry go round and get off today by going zero contact. Don't enable him to keep you mired in your pain.

[goddess]

It is not only "judgement," but choice- which she is still involved in, hoping he will break up his family. This speaks to poor character.

 

I will never understand why the cheaters are seen as some big prize. If they will do this to their partner, they will do it to the sidepiece.

 

I'll never understand it either. Plus, she's aware of all that's going on and she still hangs on. Sad.

[jimthzz]

Has he files for divorce?

[goddess]

OP, where are you? Do you have anything to say?

[Cope]

There are many many reasons one could get caught up in something like this . Granted, here is the other side of the coin: perhaps she'll finally snap out out of it. Actually, she's already aware that this "relationship" is toxic and will only cause her heartache. Let's be real, she knows there are red flags and she chooses to ignore them. She knows she is being stringed along. A wiser solution would be to seek therapy. Talk to a close friend or family member. Just leave the married guy alone.

 

I am sorry that you went through a similar situation. Hope things are better for you now.

 

Thank you, I am way better off now.

Thing is, when I was in that situation, reason had nothing to do with it. I was in an extremely bad mental state and at that moment it seemed like the thing I wanted. If I could go back in time, I'd like to slap me in the face if I could, not because it's unethical, but because I viewed myself as unworthy for anything better. That's why I'm highly sensitive about these situations. I'm not saying that I didn't play a part in the cheating, I own my share of the blame,but it was very small compared to the actual cheater. The one who actually vowed to his wife. Usually these people don't only cheat with one woman. He was "cheating" on me as well. The victims are, in 99% if the cases, more than one, besides his wife which is in the worst position of course.

 

I've managed to forgive myself about it.

 

It is not easy to get out of it. Not at all. It's not easy to seek professional help. What is easy is to pass judgement in the other woman, when most of what she is, is just another victim of a really really horrible guy.

 

That said, there are many cases where the other woman (or man) are fully aware of what they are getting into and for those, I'm with the rest. But the OP doesn't sound like one of those. She wants to get out and she can't. She mentally and physically can't and most of you aren't giving the support she needs because society has told us that the blame is equal. It's not.

 

If she was to not to mention that he was married, everyone would be so understanding and full of the amazing advice they usually give. Add cheating into the equation and "poof", people get blinded to the sight of a woman who needs REAL help.

[Annia]

Instead of "trying" to break up with this cheater, you should actually break up if that's what you really want (maybe you don't because you're afraid of being alone?). You have control over this situation. Who cares if he makes you feel like you're the guilty one?

[Hollyj]

Thank you, I am way better off now.

Thing is, when I was in that situation, reason had nothing to do with it. I was in an extremely bad mental state and at that moment it seemed like the thing I wanted. If I could go back in time, I'd like to slap me in the face if I could, not because it's unethical, but because I viewed myself as unworthy for anything better. That's why I'm highly sensitive about these situations. I'm not saying that I didn't play a part in the cheating, I own my share of the blame,but it was very small compared to the actual cheater. The one who actually vowed to his wife. Usually these people don't only cheat with one woman. He was "cheating" on me as well. The victims are, in 99% if the cases, more than one, besides his wife which is in the worst position of course.

 

I've managed to forgive myself about it.

 

It is not easy to get out of it. Not at all. It's not easy to seek professional help. What is easy is to pass judgement in the other woman, when most of what she is, is just another victim of a really really horrible guy.

 

That said, there are many cases where the other woman (or man) are fully aware of what they are getting into and for those, I'm with the rest. But the OP doesn't sound like one of those. She wants to get out and she can't. She mentally and physically can't and most of you aren't giving the support she needs because society has told us that the blame is equal. It's not.

 

If she was to not to mention that he was married, everyone would be so understanding and full of the amazing advice they usually give. Add cheating into the equation and "poof", people get blinded to the sight of a woman who needs REAL help.

 

I'm curious, did you finally leave when you found out there were more women?

 

NO! She is not a victim. Terrible. She actively sought out a married man to have an affair wife. She is still having the affair, as she has no cern how this will impact others lives. Selfish. Nothing is preventing her from ending things. That is ridiciculous that she is incapable of ending things.

 

Cope, you were never a victim. You could have made many other choices, including not dating, or seeking therapy.

[ThatwasThen]

It is not easy to get out of it. Not at all. It's not easy to seek professional help. What is easy is to pass judgement in the other woman, when most of what she is, is just another victim of a really really horrible guy.

IMO: The only "victims" in a case of someone who is enabling a cheater to cheat are those that are lied to about the cheaters status. If someone tells you (the general you) that he/she is single when they are not, then they take away your right to choose whether or not to be with that cheater. They take away your ability to enforce personal boundaries and they deprive you of utilizing an engrained code of ethics and sensibilities. That makes you a victim. The quote above is enabling advise that excuses the choices this Op has made. Victims have had their right to choose taken away.

To call oneself a "victim" when you have volunteered, under full disclosure of marital status???

 

I think the first step on one's journey to improving self worth, confidence, personal boundaries, self respect and love of self is to acknowledge that there was no victimhood in the choice to sleep with a married person. The second step is to forgive yourself for that decision and then work on being the best you that you can be, with the help of a professional if need be to aid in regaining self love and any fear of commitment because that's what men and women that get with married people often have ~ fear of commitment so they get with someone who can't commit to them.

[Hollyj]

IMO: The only "victims" in a case of someone who is enabling a cheater to cheat are those that are lied to about the cheaters status. If someone tells you (the general you) that he/she is single when they are not, then they take away your right to choose whether or not to be with that cheater. They take away your ability to enforce personal boundaries and they deprive you of utilizing an engrained code of ethics and sensibilities. That makes you a victim. The quote above is enabling advise that excuses the choices this Op has made. Victims have had their right to choose taken away.

To call oneself a "victim" when you have volunteered, under full disclosure of marital status???

 

I think the first step on one's journey to improving self worth, confidence, personal boundaries, self respect and love of self is to acknowledge that there was no victimhood in the choice to sleep with a married person. The second step is to forgive yourself for that decision and then work on being the best you that you can be, with the help of a professional if need be to aid in regaining self love and any fear of commitment because that's what men and women that get with married people often have ~ fear of commitment so they get with someone who can't commit to them.

 

I do not understand how one becomes a victim, when they make an active choice to get involved with a married individual. The only victims are the wife, kids and extended family.

[boltnrun]

Not a victim. Not one bit. A volunteer, who chooses to continue to volunteer.

 

The word "no" is very short and easy to pronounce. Unless, of course, you don't WANT to say it. Then it becomes insurmountable. In one's own mind, of course. Same with "can't". Usually means "won't" or "don't want to".

[Capricorn3]

It is not easy to get out of it. Not at all. It's not easy to seek professional help. What is easy is to pass judgement in the other woman, when most of what she is, is just another victim of a really really horrible guy.

That is so way off the mark. She is far far from a victim. She made a conscious choice to get involved with a married man and continues to do so with little concern for the hurt and pain they cause - that is NOT a victim by any means, it is incredibly selfish His WIFE is a victim and any family/kids etc. She has full control over the situation and her actions - again, choosing to stay involved with a married man. She knows right from wrong but hey, goes ahead anyway. That is NOT a victim.

[Cope]

You guys are viewing this black and white, when it isn't. I wish it was this simple for everyone. It's not. I never meant that the other man/woman is 100% a victim. Of course there is some blame.

 

People go in therapy (me included) and struggle to set boundaries years into it. Not to mention that actually starting therapy is extremely hard for many people, we have seen oh so many examples on this board alone. Yet, for some reason, hen it comes to being in an affair its suddenly easy-peasy? It doesn't work like that.

 

@hollyj No, I didn't. I was confronting him about it and was believing his lies, because I was in a horrible mental state. In therapy for the past year+ and I'm starting to understand exactly why I was acting this way and I know you won't, but trust me it goes waaaaay deeper than "actively choosing an affair with a married man".

 

Mine was a sociopath, I am not saying this because I'm angry or just named him that to get over him, he really was/is. Now I only feel indifferent towards him and feel sorry for all the other women he gets involved with. I am of course still ashamed of how I enabled his behavior towards his wife. I wish I could apologise. He's no longer married btw. I do learn what he's up to because of aquantainces and sometimes I really wish I could tell the women who truly fall for him to stay away, but we all know it doesn't work like that.

 

That said, I have to repeat myself apparently and say that not Alla "other men/women" fall into the category I do and I'm suspecting OP does too. Of course there are people who activity choose married people and are completely unethical and really want to ruin marriages. Being on other forums though that have a spot for "other men/women", I've seen mostly people like me. Of course because we are the ones seeking help, the others are just out there fulfilling their egos needs or I really don't know what, with their married person.

 

I know this forum is not welcoming to other men/women and that's ok. I am glad that I got the chance to show the other side, even if few will understand and that's ok too.

I just feel sorry that she's losing great advice and insight from the marvelous people that have helped me too in here.

[Cope]

OP if you're still reading, I know it's hard to get out; took me forever and I wasn't even the one who ended it lol.

Therapy is indeed your best option right now, I wish I could take that step when I needed it the most. Don't make the same mistake. Search for a therapist that will fit you, don't settle for the first one. You can do this now, don't wait to break up with him and then go. I know you feel ashamed, I know you don't want to share it even with a therapist, but you need to. This is your life and you need to do it for you. You deserve A LOT more than this. You are not a horrible person, you made a mistake and got sucked into it. I PROMISE you it DOES get better.

[ThatwasThen]

You guys are viewing this black and white, when it isn't. I wish it was this simple for everyone. It's not. I never meant that the other man/woman is 100% a victim. Of course there is some blame.

 

People go in therapy (me included) and struggle to set boundaries years into it. Not to mention that actually starting therapy is extremely hard for many people, we have seen oh so many examples on this board alone. Yet, for some reason, hen it comes to being in an affair its suddenly easy-peasy? It doesn't work like that.

 

@hollyj No, I didn't. I was confronting him about it and was believing his lies, because I was in a horrible mental state. In therapy for the past year+ and I'm starting to understand exactly why I was acting this way and I know you won't, but trust me it goes waaaaay deeper than "actively choosing an affair with a married man".

 

Mine was a sociopath, I am not saying this because I'm angry or just named him that to get over him, he really was/is. Now I only feel indifferent towards him and feel sorry for all the other women he gets involved with. I am of course still ashamed of how I enabled his behavior towards his wife. I wish I could apologise. He's no longer married btw. I do learn what he's up to because of aquantainces and sometimes I really wish I could tell the women who truly fall for him to stay away, but we all know it doesn't work like that.

 

That said, I have to repeat myself apparently and say that not Alla "other men/women" fall into the category I do and I'm suspecting OP does too. Of course there are people who activity choose married people and are completely unethical and really want to ruin marriages. Being on other forums though that have a spot for "other men/women", I've seen mostly people like me. Of course because we are the ones seeking help, the others are just out there fulfilling their egos needs or I really don't know what, with their married person.

 

I know this forum is not welcoming to other men/women and that's ok. I am glad that I got the chance to show the other side, even if few will understand and that's ok too.

I just feel sorry that she's losing great advice and insight from the marvelous people that have helped me too in here.

 

I'm sorry, cope but your post is coming from a place of not being enlightened and therefore, makes the odds of you falling for a 'sociopath' or just another cad far higher.

 

We understand that people that fall for 'sociopaths' (whether real or labeled to benefit those that call themselves victims when they have chosen their own path) have low self worth, codependency, fear of commitment, zero boundaries to protect self and we sympathise with that but it rubs the wrong way when you call yourself (or an opening poster) a victim. You may be a victim of your upbringing (as an example) but certainly you are not a victim when you volunteer to lay down with a married man. Even if you call yourself or others one, you aren't one as you were not forced and your right to choose was not taken away.

 

When we take responsibility for our actions, that is when we learn and its what keeps us from repeating the same mistakes.

 

You talk about it being hard to start therapy whether that be due to not having the finances or fear of being well but there are a thousand and one psychology articles and self help books out there that people who call themselves a victim (when they are volunteers) would do well to look into so that they are enlightened about themselves rather then concentrating on what may have been wrong with the cheater. (Whether he be a true sociopath or just a chronic cheater who is sex addicted) because thinking you know what he is doesn't get to the root of what is in one's own psyche.

 

I get it that it is soothing to give yourself an out by making him the catalyst for you choosing what you did though. Good on you for being in therapy and good luck going forth and I hope you realise that my post is not coming from a place of malice.

[Hollyj]

You guys are viewing this black and white, when it isn't. I wish it was this simple for everyone. It's not. I never meant that the other man/woman is 100% a victim. Of course there is some blame.

 

People go in therapy (me included) and struggle to set boundaries years into it. Not to mention that actually starting therapy is extremely hard for many people, we have seen oh so many examples on this board alone. Yet, for some reason, hen it comes to being in an affair its suddenly easy-peasy? It doesn't work like that.

 

@hollyj No, I didn't. I was confronting him about it and was believing his lies, because I was in a horrible mental state. In therapy for the past year+ and I'm starting to understand exactly why I was acting this way and I know you won't, but trust me it goes waaaaay deeper than "actively choosing an affair with a married man".

 

Mine was a sociopath, I am not saying this because I'm angry or just named him that to get over him, he really was/is. Now I only feel indifferent towards him and feel sorry for all the other women he gets involved with. I am of course still ashamed of how I enabled his behavior towards his wife. I wish I could apologise. He's no longer married btw. I do learn what he's up to because of aquantainces and sometimes I really wish I could tell the women who truly fall for him to stay away, but we all know it doesn't work like that.

 

That said, I have to repeat myself apparently and say that not Alla "other men/women" fall into the category I do and I'm suspecting OP does too. Of course there are people who activity choose married people and are completely unethical and really want to ruin marriages. Being on other forums though that have a spot for "other men/women", I've seen mostly people like me. Of course because we are the ones seeking help, the others are just out there fulfilling their egos needs or I really don't know what, with their married person.

 

I know this forum is not welcoming to other men/women and that's ok. I am glad that I got the chance to show the other side, even if few will understand and that's ok too.

I just feel sorry that she's losing great advice and insight from the marvelous people that have helped me too in here.

 

I will never accept the "victim" part, unless the marital status had been hidden from the start. I had two close friends that went through this- also stayed with the cheating creeps-and they never got over the hurt and betrayal, even 20 years after. One of the husbands went on to cheat again-she finally ended it- and the other was simply selfish. What a surprise.

 

i am sorry that you were going through such a terrible time, but i do not think is fair to place yourself in the place of victim, as it does not help you, nor is it true. You are still excusing your behavior. I am glad that you do take some responsibility. It is also good that you have sought therapy and are moving to a happier, healthier place.

[lostandhurt]

Cope,

 

I almost never respond to someone else's post but I am afraid you are in danger of ending in a similar situation if you continue to have the mindset you have.

 

Yes this is a black and white issue, it is a simple fact of right and wrong with no grey areas at all. She knew full well he was married and had sex with him anyways and that is wrong. She continued to help him cheat which is wrong. He is a lair and a cheater which is wrong.

 

The only grey area's are the ones people convince themselves of when they are doing something they know is wrong but want to continue for whatever reason. Whether they are lonely or down on their luck or whatever but any grey area that comes up is because they choose to make it one in their head but it never changes the simple fact that cheating or helping someone cheat is wrong.

 

In this case the OP got herself into this and needs to extract herself as fast as possible. That is the first right thing she can do for herself, this guys wife and family. If I were her I would dime up on the piece of crap too...

 

Lost

[Cope]

Lost, thank you for your concern, truly! I feel that you haven't read all my posts, they were indeed quite a few, but I have already been in a situation like that, NEVER again for many reasons. For me, now, it is black and white, but it was all gray when I was getting into it.

 

I've explained the reasons I got sucked into it in my previous posts , and I have taken my share of the blame.

 

I am just stating that just like me, there are "other men/women" who really need help to get out of this, and when they do ask for it, we should give it to them and not judge. This one seems like one of those.

 

All good!

[Annia]

I'm curious, did you finally leave when you found out there were more women?

 

NO! She is not a victim. Terrible. She actively sought out a married man to have an affair wife. She is still having the affair, as she has no cern how this will impact others lives. Selfish. Nothing is preventing her from ending things. That is ridiciculous that she is incapable of ending things.

 

Cope, you were never a victim. You could have made many other choices, including not dating, or seeking therapy.

 

Even though I can sympathize with the mental health/circunstances that lead people to make bad decisions, someone who chooses (yes, it's a choice) regardless of the reason to date a man they know is married/in a committed relationship is not a victim. One thing would be if she didn't know he was married, he had concealed the relationship and she only found out now. Then I'd agree she was a victim because she made choices without being given full relevant information that would've made her choose otherwise. No one made her date a married man.

 

And I think that attributing victimhood to these situations is actually not doing any good for the person, because it strips them away from accountability. And accountability and taking responsibility is the only way to learn, change and move on to do better in the future. Only when we take responsibility for our actions do we gain power and control to do better.

[Annia]

Lost, thank you for your concern, truly! I feel that you haven't read all my posts, they were indeed quite a few, but I have already been in a situation like that, NEVER again for many reasons. For me, now, it is black and white, but it was all gray when I was getting into it.

 

I've explained the reasons I got sucked into it in my previous posts , and I have taken my share of the blame.

 

I am just stating that just like me, there are "other men/women" who really need help to get out of this, and when they do ask for it, we should give it to them and not judge. This one seems like one of those.

 

All good!

 

I think that giving help is not enabling behaviors we know are hurtful to the person or people around them and trying to make them see that instead of being a victim with no choice, they have the power to get out of said situation (if they truly want to, sometimes people are hurting but don't want to get out of the situation and are afraid of doing so and then we have to respect this).

 

I don't think saying that enabling someone to cheat (being the other woman/man) is a choice and something that the person can choose to stop is judging someone or not helping them.

[lostandhurt]

Lost, thank you for your concern, truly! I feel that you haven't read all my posts, they were indeed quite a few, but I have already been in a situation like that, NEVER again for many reasons. For me, now, it is black and white, but it was all gray when I was getting into it.

 

I've explained the reasons I got sucked into it in my previous posts , and I have taken my share of the blame.

 

I am just stating that just like me, there are "other men/women" who really need help to get out of this, and when they do ask for it, we should give it to them and not judge. This one seems like one of those.

 

All good!

 

Cope,

I have read many of your posts and I do appreciate your response. Think of it this way: If you found yourself in that situation what would have helped you snap out of it faster? Someone being totally frank with you and letting you know that it is wrong no matter the situation, mental condition or circumstance or if someone sympathetically told you that you aren't really wrong because you were preyed upon or taken advantage of? Cheaters and cheaties (I know that isn't a real word) all know what they are doing is wrong and you know as well as I the number of excuses we have all seen on here are numerous. Not one has ever changed cheating from black and white to grey.

I totally get that you are sympathetic and feel for the OP but in these cases stopping the cheating or in this case helping cheat is step one, then someone like you that has insight how this can happen can really help them understand how they got here and how to never end up here again. This is where I struggle. I have known smart strong beautiful women that have allowed themselves to be marginalized into being the side chick when they could have just about any single man they wanted.

 

I am glad you are here.

 

OP, keep posting even if what you hear is hard to read. No one is condemning you, we want to help you get out of this mess so you can be in a healthy relationship.

 

Lost