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Cope

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Everything posted by Cope

  1. You weren't acting silly, you were setting boundaries and he was disrespecting them. You clearly told him what you wanted, couldn't have been any clearer to be honest, and he got mad and "emotional" and worst of all, he made you doubt yourself and your behavior. Yes learn from this, that men you're interested in should respect your needs. And when someone blames you for something you said no to by calling you childish etc, RUN. Manipulative as h*ll. If he texts you again, don't give in,block him now even. He showed some major red flags. I wouldn't believe him on anything he said about that "ex" either. He was the one probably just looking for sex.
  2. Oh I'm so sorry you're going through this, but this guy is a, to say the least, ***. You really don't want him back. He's immature and mean. You're probably more in love with the idea of him than him. He's treating you horribly and sounds manipulative. Also, you don't really know him. Well, take a step back and pretend this is a guy a friend of yours is interested in and tell me if she deserves this kind of behavior. I bet you said h*ll no! Or I hope you did. I'm so sorry again, that you're going through this, but please run! Block him and never look back!
  3. Oh dammit. Is there anyone you can talk to? Including a lawyer perhaps? Although I don't see anything you can do legally, but I'm no lawyer. Do you think that he will stop if you pay him back?
  4. Chloe, I get it, you're scared. Do you think he will do something worse out of anger? Are you afraid of him physically attacking you? Do you think blocking him will aggravate him more?
  5. Pink, you've gotten great advice! Our stories are so similar,I'm even benefiting from the advice you got! I agree with Katrina and bluecastle. Acceptance is the key. Accept all your feelings, negative and positive. Feel them and sit with them, don't think, just feel, if that makes sense. I believe you, you will probably always love him, just try not to act on it because, by the facts you have now, he doesn't want to be with you and that itself, makes a relationship not possible by definition. If you think you can handle contacting him now without getting drawn back in and ending up obsessing more over him, then do it. I'm also thinking about contacting my ex, because I lived through all of the emotions and anger has subsided. I'm not sure I can handle it yet, so that's what's holding me back. As for hopes of reconciliation, let's assume that my ex realized he made a mistake, even though all evidence proves otherwise, I can't go back to a person who ditched me twice without even being able to communicate and give me a chance to work through our problems. That right there is a sign that our communication was off, and even if we do get back together right now, it'll still probably be off. What helps me not indulge in thoughts and hopes of getting back together, is thinking that if it's gonna happen, it'll take years. This way my anxiety goes down,I stop wanting him NOW, and stop obsessing about him, and also I'm true to my feelings, which are still there, even if they're not as strong as when we were together. If it's meant to be, it will be. I know that by the time those years pass, my feelings will most likely have passed too. Another thing that helps me, and this is proven, every next guy is a bit better than the last, so if I met and fell for this ex, I can't imagine how amazing the next one will be. Until then, I'm working on myself for myself. Relationships are bonuses in life, that's how I see them. I need to solve my insecurities first, make a lovely life for me and then find someone to share it with. At the same time I'm working on me regarding my issues on how I act in relationships and why I keep getting attached to unavailable men. Therapy is helping me so much on this. I get why some people are against therapy, but if you've only tried it once, with one therapist, I strongly recommend you try it again, but try several therapists before you decide which one suits you. I was also kinda against therapy as I had already been to two therapists and saw no progress. Found huge success in the third. It's CBT therapy, if that helps. It's not only about the method they use though, it's also about the chemistry with the therapist themselves. Anyway, I can so much relate to what you're going through, it's uncanny. All of us here indeed have good intentions, and indeed, we don't know your whole story, in the end, it's your call. Trust your instincts.
  6. Pink, our stories are so alike, down to the flirting with another girl in front of me. The difference is, my goal is to get over him. I suspect that you haven't gone through all the stages of a break up and instead, you're planning on how to get him back. If you are doing this, no amount of hobbies will help you get over him. If you are mentally trying to get over him, then I do suggest you stop your hobby for a bit, not forever of course. This is exactly what I did with our common hobby. I stopped doing it for a month so I wouldn't bump into him and met our mutual friends elsewhere. I didn't unfriend him on fb, just unfollowed, because like you said, I'd still see what he's up to because of all our mutual friends. I've also tried really hard, to not check his page. It took me a little over a month to stop doing that. I told him not to text me or anything and that I will text him when I'm over it. I haven't. Lately I've been wanting to text him, as a friend, but as I see I still have , maybe 1/10 of the feelings I had for him but they're still there, I'm not going to. Thing is, I too have thought "maybe he wants to talk to me but he can't because I forbid him to do so". I immediately stop my train of thoughts saying"if he wanted to be with me, he wouldn't break up with me twice". In your case, he has all the freedom to text you and hasn't. The only indicator you have are glimpses. It's too weak, you can't go on that. Don't read too much into it. I know it was short term, but there must have been some negative things about him. Even the fact that he flirted with another woman in front of you. Both explanations of this are negative. Would you really like to be with a guy who uses another person to make you jealous? Or, would you really want to be with a guy who doesn't consider your feelings by flirting with another woman in front of you?(I'm assuming this happened soon after the break up, if it happened months after, than it doesn't count). I wouldn't. Was what you had SOO good? I don't need an answer, just think about it. Even if you were perfectly fine with what you had, apparently he wasn't, and called it. It sucks, but it happens. Best part, and this is what I kept telling myself on the rough days, even if you did get back together and everything was perfect the third time round, how can you possibly trust that he won't up and leave randomly? Note: check out the attachment theory.
  7. I absolutely LOVE mine! Was working as a waitress, 12 hour shifts with common sandals, once I switched to Birkenstocks, my feet were actually relaxing while working. It was amazing!
  8. Great! Now you know. Now go NC and never look back. You don't owe him the trip, it's just a power play.
  9. Unfortunately, he's not confusing from an outsider's point of view of course. You're confused because you want a reaction that matches your feelings and you're not getting one. Like you said, you're afraid to ask because you basically already know the answer. I've been there, oh so many times. Once I finally found the courage to ask, it seemed so silly that I was afraid to before. What usually empowers me, is thinking that by asking the right questions, I take control of my life. So, take control of your life. Ask him. The worse thing that could happen is you'll lose him forever, but how worse is that compared to what you're going through now? The best thing that could happen is you'll be making decisions for your own life and not just following his pace. It's something you need to know in order to move on either with or without him. By waiting on him, you're basically telling him "hi, I'm just here pausing my life for you, whenever you're ready, please let me know. Thank you kind sir and I apologise for any inconvenience." This is not you, you're way stronger than that. I honestly believe you can do it. ✊🏽
  10. You've received great advice, multiple times. Apparently, it's not the answer you are looking for. So, go, add her again. I wouldn't advise that, and I haven't, but you might need to actually take this lesson in order to learn it. Add her again and tell us how it went.
  11. I can't agree with DancingFool more. I've been following your thread since the beginning and he reeks manipulation from miles, for an outsider. It's not easy to see when you're in it. His cheating doesn't really bother me, as much as what he said to you. Sometimes people cheat near the end of a relationship and in general, I can understand that people make mistakes and change; a serial cheater in my book, is someone who cheats repeatedly on the same partner. To the point though, what he's doing is basically what DancingFool said, he's lowering your self esteem and self worth; this way you will crave his attention in any small dose he'll provide it to you and you'll have all your focus on him and his needs. You'll find yourself always doing what he wants etc. Stating that he basically feels the same for every woman he's been with might also show that he never felt anything and is incapable of commiting. His confession might seem honest, because,sure, when you were in every relationship at some point you've thought of them as the one, but once you're out, you see them for what they truly were. Mind you, bashing an ex is also a bad sign. This "honesty" makes the manipulation ever worse because it seems as though he's right, yet he isn't. If he had empathy, he wouldn't say you're like all the others. It's a very very unhealthy path, so please be cautious.
  12. I'm pretty sure most people don't watch porn because they find the people on it attractive, at least I don't. It's just an expansion of masturbation, a tool. And also, women watch porn too. But. Women have been shamed about it for decades and only the younger generations of women are more open about it. I do think that maybe that has played a role in your beliefs about porn. Watching porn could only be a problem if it absorbs most of a person's time. I've been with a guy like that, whenever he wasn't working, he was on a porn site, h*ll, he even had it playing in the background. Now that was a problem. As to porn itself, I do have issues though. What worries me is the way they portray women and such, but that's a story for another thread. That said, if it's a deal breaker for you, then it's a deal breaker. I don't think you can change his mind and I don't think it's fair either. If you can't find yourself open to changing your mind about it, then I advise you to leave, and I'm wholeheartedly with you on that. Also, the fact that you were in an affair with him prior to your relationship is definitely helping with your insecurities (I find it mostly unrelated to porn though). Chances are he is going to cheat again. I don't want to be cruel, there is a chance he won't, but I'd believe that only if he had never cheated on his wife before you and in previous relationships.
  13. And yes, when he's calling because he's down, it's a silly reason. He could be down because of the break up, but that does not mean he wants to get back together. It most likely means he wants you to cheer him up because he's used to it. So what's happening is, he's further down the line of the breaking up process, and is using you (not ill-intentioned) to help him get over the last bits. This usually leads to the dumper ditching your "friendship" completely when a new woman enters the picture. I wouldn't wish that to my worse enemy, please don't let it come to that and go NC
  14. Hey, it's a process, I'm sure most of us checked on our exes social media more than once even if we said we're in NC. What I don't get, is that most people don't tell their exes that they're going NC. Some do it because they listen to the advice the break up people in YouTube, and I get it, again, I'm sure most of us have visited those videos even if we didn't want to get them back. I strongly advise you to tell him that you need space and that you're going NC. That way you are setting boundaries. You're saying "ok, I accept your decision, now this is what I need to move forward, I'll text you when I feel better. Don't call,text or even like a post/comment of mine". This way you avoid phonecalls and mostly, the anticipation of them. If he doesn't respect your wish and contacts you for some silly reason like "I'm feeling down, cheer me up", well add that to the stack of reasons why you shouldn't get back together. If he breaks your NC, he's disrespecting you. Some might add, tell him to only contact you if he really wants back. I've never added that because deep down inside I never wanted them back, but also, if it was meant to happen, it will happen in the future. People don't change easily, so I doubt someone will change so much in a few months, that the problems that led to the break up won't be there. Anyways, you could add that if you want, I'm just stating why I have never. So again, what you're feeling and doing is normal, it gets easier by time and even more so, if you cut him out of your life for this process. Stay strong!
  15. Isn't this the guy you broke up with and was aggressive? Why did you take him back?
  16. Oh I never said he didn't, on the contrary! I just see that he's confused and mentioning things that he can start to unpack if he wants this to never happen again.
  17. "A father and son have a car accident and are both badly hurt. They are both taken to separate hospitals. When the boy is taken in for an operation, the surgeon (doctor) says 'I can not do the surgery because this is my son'. How is this possible?" Don't give me a well thought answer, but question yourself as to why you may have found yourself confused by this riddle even if it was for seconds.
  18. Rape culture is alive and kicking and this situation shows both sides of it. A man who, even when he saw that his partner wasn't into it, continued, and a woman who, even though she didn't really want to continue didn't refuse it, in fear they might get into a fight. The root is the same, patriarchy.
  19. Honestly, therapy. No amount of working out will help you overcome this, it'll just make you feel better for a bit. Best decision I've ever made and I had the same problems as you described. CBT helped me.
  20. The mechanism behind your actions OP, is the notion that women owe men sex, whether you're aware of it or not. Now that you are, you can work on it. Rule of thumb is "take every maybe as a no". You felt she didn't want to, yet you proceeded; why? Your gf also needs therapy because as mentioned above, she has a difficulty of saying "no", even if she wants to. The same mechanism is working in the background. Women don't owe men sex even if they're married. Technically, this is not rape, but it sure has many similarities to it. I'm sorry you're both going through this.
  21. Of course you can't! It'll take time and that's the reason you need to go NC. You may even find that you don't want him back. They're surely aspects of the relationship that you didn't like, this is a marvelous time to see if he really was a match or not.
  22. One thing that always helps me is telling them I'm going NC for an unknown time, and I'll text them when I'm done, and thinking that if we truly had a great connection, it will still be there when the romantic feelings subside. Remaining in contact will only make everything worse. He is using you, even unconsciously, to feel better about the break up. Remember, he has already processed most of the break up beforehand as he is the "dumper", so it's not gonna take long until you hear him say "I'm seeing someone else and it's getting serious". Then he might dump the friendship and you'll be left feeling worse than you do now. I know it's hard not talking to him, but think of it as just a period of not talking to him until you get through your feelings.
  23. This is not true. And I'm saying this as I also thought the same, that men are always after sex, men always cheat and so on. Getting into therapy helped me realize that it's my upbringing that made me believe men are like that. It's simply not true. Our patriarchal society has also helped in shaping this illusion about men. There can be more reasons you believe this, and I'd advise you to look into it, because the fact that you have such an idea about men, shows that your standards are low and this is another reason you're stuck on this fantasy.
  24. What bluecastle said. I had a similar experience, I thought it would end there, but we kept in touch for 10 months. I can't call it a relationship, but I was glued to my phone and Skype. Not that it ended badly, we're still talking, heck he just texted me today, but all the romance was basically based on the fact that it was a summer fling. I realized we were not a good match at all. It probably took me so much time because it was an ldr. That's why they're tricky, you don't really get to meet the person that well. I don't regret it AT ALL, sometimes I did wish we just left it as a summer fling, but honestly after I got over him, I don't even remember the pain of the break up. So yeah, keep in touch, but don't let the movie -romance get you. Keep your eyes wide open. Glad you had such a good time!
  25. Yeah, sorry, she doesn't seem interested. The ball is in her court, but I wouldn't count on it. I'd move on.
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