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Cope

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Everything posted by Cope

  1. I see a guy who has the guts to be open and vulnerable with you. That does pull people closer. I'd build on that. Why don't you share your thoughts too?
  2. Em. I don't hate you anymore. That's something. But I miss you terribly as a friend. I hope that this feeling will last up until I get over you, because as much as I'm fighting NOT to contact you, I can't bear to believe that our connection wasn't real.
  3. The fact that I can't spend a wonderful night with my closest friends because my ex, who I am NC with is there.
  4. Just wanted to say that I do not want your friendship. You treated me badly and that's no way to start a friendship even if we did have a good connection. I acknowledge my part in this and take full responsibility of not protecting myself enough when I took you back, but damn what kind of person do you think you are when you KNEW I was head over heels for you, you KNEW I wanted something more and you KNEW you never wanted a relationship? You're not the nice guy you take so much pride in being. I'm sorry to break it to you. But I really am not. You didn't even say "I thought I'd give it a try, I had feelings for you and I thought it could change". You knew from the start how we both felt but you decided to get the emotional bonding I gave you and leave when you had enough. I do not accept your apology.
  5. Ouch! Last time I experienced that it was a tornado! Hope you're ok!
  6. Oh Seraphim, wish I could lend you some of the weather here! 5km/h wind at 24 degrees Celsius!! Gonna be a rough summer.
  7. Definitely a bad day. I came across my ticket from when I visited him. Crying like someone died nonstop for the last 15 minutes. As if I cry hard enough it will bring us back together again... Writing here helps. I jinxed it earlier writing that I have lost the urge to text. I really wanted to text him just now. I remember he told me he broke up once with a serious relationship even though he was still in love. I remembered that although he was distant our last month, it wasn't that he didn't have feelings. Would I want that back? No. He'll no. I just would love to turn back time and give it my all. You know what? Erase that. I don't want to turn back time. I want to get over him and be able to concentrate on me and only me. If our roads are ever to meet again, so be it. I want to be free of him. I love him, but I don't want to Feel like this anymore. First time I'm leaving a relationship due to circumstances. This is SO HARD. I'm back to packing.
  8. Day #37 #iJustCounted. I've been doing well. Crying stopped for a few days, but came back. Today started bad. I hope it's due to stress over the move, but I'll figure that out in 3 days. I miss what we had, I miss more what we could have if distance wasn't a factor. I miss him. I want to talk to him. I have no urge to do so, fortunately those stopped a while back. I just want things to magically go back to the way they were 3 months ago. ... But I know they won't and even if they would, the outcome would be the same. I miss him yet now I don't want him back. Not now. I still think that maybe, somehow in the future we will meet again and things will start happening, but I think that's just my coping mechanism working in the background. I need to finish packing. Today's gonna be a great day!
  9. #FewDaysOveraMonth I Think this just might be the first day i will shed no tears! Got through the morning without them, now it's almost afternoon and still no tears. I wanted to but i stopped myself. I am choosing to stop crying. I need to focus on being happy. I cried enough over him. I can't wait till the day i will have to contact him. I want to get it over with. Now i am sure i will be in a better place when that moment come. I honestly do not want to want to get back together. I am so close of not wanting to rekindle AT ALL. I don't hate him, the opposite, but i want to be completely over him and be on my own for a while, this is SOOO empowering for me right now.
  10. Day #Istoppedcounting It's nearly a month since the breakup and NC. I feel a lot better! These last few days i stopped having crying spells throughout the day. I cry in the morning once i wake up. I manage to get out of bed easier. I have a lot of stuff to do. I don't miss him as much as i did before and it feels better. When i first started "not missing him as much" i felt sad. That feeling is getting better. Confusing i know. It's like it's ok not to miss him now. I have urges to text him but not nearly as strong and mostly cause i think i can handle it. Still far from it. The "whys" and "what ifs" are fading away. It still hurts when i think that he never loved me, or that he probably is already dating. Right now i want to be single and i can say that if he came back this instant....ok no, if he came back this instant i would think about it, but that's a big step from "YES YES I WANT YOU BACK TOO!" isn't it? All i can say is that NC helps A LOT. It is hard as hell though. Keep working on it and on yourselves!
  11. Your post is marvelous!!! I could of written these parts, it's like you're in my head! : Specially that love part omg, i laughed out loud! I want him to contact me saying "i want to work on this, i searched my feelings, i love you" and on the other hand im like : "The longer he is not breaking NC, the more i respect him." , but tbh i'd prefer for him to make the first call Day #20 for me. I had to scroll up to count, cause i too want to stop concentrating on the number. Today i again woke up in tears, managed to get out of bed, managed to do the work i had to do yesterday, well most of it, and got out of the house for a bit. I also have a dog and this is the second time in my life that she is saving it. If it wasn't for her, i'd be forever inside. Although when i say i got out of the house today, i don't mean her walks, i had business to do in town. Still, her daily walks helps me see the sun which is soooo helpful. So before that, i was still crying. Doing some work but crying. I didn't allow myself to lay in bed, as i mentioned the other day this is starting to be damaging. I also went through the same thoughts as you gypsybird. I literally went through the WHOLE relationship looking for red flags, even talked about it with a friend of mine, analyzed it. It was helpful. Earlier today , i stated in the "post here instead of your ex" post, i do not want to analyze why the break up occurred, due to distance or loss of feelings. That is also working i must say. I realized there is no point in finding out the why anymore. I am not waiting for him to return, but i still want to contact him at some point. Time will tell if i will. I am still going by the "if it's meant to be, it will". I am not dreaming of his return, i am not planning on it, i am working on myself and my life. IF we happen to meet again, who knows? I love the ship metaphor! At this point, i don't feel like he is dragging me down, maybe i will feel the weight later on. So today started bad, ended well. I am curious to see if i will wake up crying tomorrow.
  12. I am such a mess. I did not expect this to be that hard. I really cared about you and still do. I can't believe that it wasn't the distance that didn't let us evolve this relationship. I know you had feelings for me and i am sure you still had them when we broke up. I am sure that they would be stronger if there was no distance between us. Then there is this voice deep inside my head that is telling me that it wasn't the distance, it just wasn't "meant to be" and that's supposed to be ok. It's also telling me that i knew it all along. Just like you did when you said you do not want to dig deeper to see what you are feeling and why, today i am choosing not to dig deeper. If it was the distance or not, it doesn't matter. I don't care. I love you, i know you shared/share similar feelings, we had a marvelous time we could have been happier, it just didn't happen. If it is to happen, it will. People tell me it is healthier to let go, they are right, this is my way of letting go. I won't dig deeper and i will let "fate" do the rest. I miss you and probably will for a long long time. Goodbye.
  13. Hey. Today isn't better. A friend of mine suggested to write you a letter. I have no need to write you a letter, i have no questions as i said. I do not want you to know that i am in this much pain. If ever you ask i will probably not hide it, but for me to send you an email to tell you i am in this much pain?? I don't know why people do that. Another ex of mine did that, it made me lose the little respect i still had for him. I am a believer of being able to show your vulnerability, but to one point. I have already stated my desires, you stated yours, end of story. Now i am just picking myself back up and moving on. It's hard. I had the strongest urge to contact you just now. All i needed to do was start typing. I didn't. Every time i avoid that i am proud. Every day on the NC calendar i mark off makes me feel better bout myself. I don't hate you, nor am i avoiding you because i am mad. I am hurt and i can't continue talking to you as friends. I miss talking to you. I miss you.
  14. Day #19 Started again with the thought of him, i even dreamed of him and yes i also cried again. I really didn't want myself to cry. It is starting to bug me. Yesterday i was crying again all day, doing nothing. I can't afford to do that again today, not only cause i have things to do, but i really can't keep doing it. It's more damaging than cathartic at this point. Not that i will force myself not to cry, more like don't give me a free crying day pass. I really miss him. I hope today will be better.
  15. Why is it so hard? I miss you so much. I cry every morning, i cry everytime i get home. Today was like the first day again. Just now i had thoughts and feelings that everything will be ok, that you miss me too , that we will talk again and decide to give it a try and it felt so good, but i know i was kidding myself. So back to reality. I am excited about the things i have to do. I am excited about my single life too, but i know i will miss you. I really want to see if i will still miss you if i find another guy (which i hope will not be soon). I really want to talk to you, but i know that if i do, i will still think that something will come out of it. I will be expecting things. I will text you as if we were still together, cause due to long-distance, most of our interactions were texting, so it's easy to fall back. It hurts me to think that you don't miss me but i have to accept that. At least, you don't miss me like i would want you to. I am having a hard time getting you off a pedestal. I am having a hard time admitting to myself and this is the first time i will, that our connection wasn't all that great to begin with.I still think it's because we both were holding back. It could be. I have to accept that most likely i will never see you again. I will never get the chance to look you in the eyes to see how you have really changed. I have found that cathartic with my previous relationships. Skype doesn't count. I need to see you. That will never happen, although deep down inside i think it will. It's not closure i am looking for, i have no questions or doubts on what happened, regrets yes. Seems i was unlucky that you had a bad experience with distance before. Oh well. It's hard and i miss you, i want to talk to you and i am not ready . Oh how i wish you would text me to say the same
  16. Day #18 and I am trying not to cry. Why are mornings so hard? I feel this burden on my chest, my body wants to cry but I don't want to let it. I'm sure I'm gonna fail before I post this. Yup. I failed. I often wonder if he misses me as much. Then I remember how I felt when I broke up with someone, I never missed them but most ended on a bad note, they went full circle. Also I broke up with him technically. He also said he still had feelings. Si I wonder if he misses me. I'm not suppose to assume he does.
  17. Day #17 of no contact. Again it's like the first day. They are right when they say it comes in waves. He's the first thing that comes in mind in the morning and i struggle not to think of him for the simplest reason that i need more sleep! I always fail. One thought leads to another and i find myself crying again. This morning it was worse. Part of me wants to move on and the other part is afraid to let go. We weren't the best couple(yet) but i am 100% sure that it was due to both of us holding back. Both of us were afraid of the distance. It doesn't matter now. He has most of the traits i look for in a man. I didn't have the time to figure out his bad side. I think i am mourning for that chance. Now i know that i was expecting this break up from the beginning. I was anxious that we would never be close distance through all these feelings we both had and we never were. That destroys a relationship. Just those wonderful days we had somewhere in the middle of it all. At the end of those days we were so close. For a month later we were so close..then we started drifting apart...that's what distance does. We're not teenagers. We need someone near. I am not saying that older people can't do LDR, there are many successful ones out there, but let's face it, it's hard and painful and no point to it if you can't make plans to end up together. We are both in a situation that we can't be making these kind of decisions, neither can ask the other to move to another country. I really hope i will see him again. I really hope that when we start talking (cause i will go back in contact at some point and i am sure he will answer), i hope we get to know each other even better cause i won't be holding back. I am not planning on pursuing him again, i mean not holding back as in what to say and what not to. My fears, my future plans etc. I held back some stuff cause i thought it would scare him away. Maybe it would've, i don't know, i just know that i would rather tell him then have these regrets now. I never told him i was willing to move. I only told him that in the end. I never told him how i really felt about him. I almost did, i regret that now. I really want to contact him in the future, i don't want him to be "the one that got a way", i want to get to know him even better and i am sure that either i will be glad it didn't go any further cause he truly wasn't right for me, or we we will end up together. I was about to say it is harder when you don't break up cause of a fight or because the other person was an A, then i remembered how it was when an A broke up with me. In that case the struggle was with myself and accepting the fact that i stayed so long with an A. Now, there is no one to blame but timing and circumstances. I am seeing this as a great opportunity for self growth. Going through a "loving" break up can teach me a lot and i am going to take everything! I don't know how this turned out so long and if it even belongs in this section anymore, but i guess it does, cause this is what i am thinking on day #17. @gypsybird you did good on blocking him. It's temporary, once you feel better you may (or may not) unblock him. Crying over it? Normal as hell. I saw him offline Skype and i cried. He got online again and guess what? I cried! So , normal as hell, we still have feelings for them, it hurts to see that ...hmm how to put this.. well, life goes on and their lives goes on without us too. We know our lives right now are sad due to their absence and when we see small stuff like statuses or green lights (online), because we have no contact with them, we give it any meaning we want to. We may assume that they are having the time of their life without us and that hurts. So you did a good job! The only reason i am not blocking him is that we are not FB friends. I avoided it. Stupid huh? Not now, i mean stupid when we were together..oh well. Also, for some reason i find it easy not to check, don't ask how, i am amazed with it too! Stay strong and yes this forum is the best place!! and i visit a lot of forums!
  18. I'm still waiting for the day that will begin without me crying. I miss you so much. Sometimes I think this is not over, that you still have feelings for me and we will meet again and try some day. Then I think, 'I'm projecting my feelings on you'... Then I remember that YOU told me that you still have feelings for me. I understand the distance now. I understand that it was a matter of time before one of us got tired. It's random that you were the first. It's just so sad to see this ending when it barely started. I wish I would open up more to you. My last hope is when we start taking again I will be more open cause there won't be any distance/relationship to make me feel like I have to protect myself from an upcoming heartbreak. Ironic, I know. I made the oldest mistake in the book. It's ok, I don't know how much that would change things, but I know I wouldn't have regrets now. I usually never hold back, but I guess that's what happens as you get older and have more experience on your back. Well, I promised myself that that will be the last time I ever did that. 19 days. 17 days of NC. It feels like months. I miss you. I want to talk to you. I want to laugh with you. It will happen soon, so till then, I have stuff to do. Gotta go, talk to you later. Ps I hate and love auto correct these days. Your nick name always pops up.
  19. Good morning! How are you? How's work? Did you move? Are you happy? Do you miss me? I miss you. I'm still not ready to talk to you, i am expecting things to happen. I am struggling to see if it's a good idea or not to contact you cause not being open enough was the problem on my end to what happened to us. Maybe i am making the same mistake? Then again, there is no rush, if we are meant to be together again at some point, one more month of me not contacting you won't make a difference will it? I hope you miss me, i hope you want me back. I do. Today before i even opened my eyes you were on my mind. In my sleep i was trying hard not to think of you. Failed. Have a great day!
  20. Wow gypsybird, we have another thing in common too, i too am self employed, well not exactly, i work from home but i can work whenever i want. I gave myself a couple of days off in the beginning and i literally did nothing but sit, cry, watch series and eat ice cream. NOTHING else. Sat in the dark (and it's super sunny over here) and went to bed so early etc etc.. It helped! Then i forced myself to work, of course it's the nature of my job that once i start i am obliged to continue. If it wasn't that way i don't know if i would be able to work either. I thought, at least i will have more money at the end of this horrible month...It also helped me keep my mind off it a bit. Well, he was still on my mind but it helps. I told myself "now you are working, you can cry about him once you are done, you can cry all you want! " So i did. So today for me is day #15 of NC. It is getting better, but the better i feel about myself, the more i miss him. Usually when i start to feel good after break ups, i don't even care about the guy pretty fast. This time, i think it's different. I keep repeating this, but i genuinely miss him. I really value him. I still have thoughts of getting back together, but i know it can not happen now. Maybe months from now, but not now. The other day i logged on Skype ( i was avoiding it) and saw him offline. He was never offline. Last 3 days he is always offline, for me this means something and this is the reason why we avoid social networks etc in the first place, cause we start assuming. I assumed that he is bothered that i haven't contacted him yet. That he misses me too. That he maybe wants to talk to me too but is respecting my decision of NC till i feel better (he is respectful like that). I feel like if i don't contact him now, we will be lost forever. Then i come to my senses and think "Whatever will be , will be". If he disappears and doesn't want to talk to me when i am healed, it's ok. I asked him to respect my process and he is. I do think our break up is bothering him too, i don't think that he wants to get back together though, but that's another assumption too. So right now i am struggling with the fear of loosing him forever because of a simple "offline" on Skype. I won't delete him, cause it's not that bad, if i felt that bad, trust me, i would've deleted him since day one without even telling him. I miss him. I really want to contact him, but i am not ready. I also prefer writing here than starting a journal or a thread.
  21. As much as i feel better, i also feel awful. I honestly, genuinely miss you. For some reason i do feel our connection, it's weird. As if you're thinking about me and caring. It's more likely just my mind trying to sort all of this out, but still. I really really want to talk to you again to see how you are doing, but i know i am not ready for it. I have set a timeline on when i will contact you again, or at least check to see if i am ready to do so. I am living my life, i don't need you, i never did and that's what makes it harder, i love you, not the idea of you and i can live without you exactly as i was while with you. Our break up didn't ruin any plans of mine, just my dreams of a probable meeting we were almost planning. That's it. I want you, but i don't need you and that's the foundation of a perfect relationship for me. I am sad cause we lost that chance. I am sure that we will keep in touch. I can't wait to talk to you again, maybe in time i will realize that it really wasn't meant ot be, maybe i will find out your bad side finally and hate it. I dunno. Right now i have a lot of stuff to do and i am exited. I cry every time i get home though. It's so surreal. I miss you.
  22. Last evening i had another glimpse of how it would be once i stop feeling sad. I felt strong again, confident, planning for my future. It was amazing! There was actually some amount of time i didn't even think about you. When i did, i felt lovely. I missed you but accepted that we weren't together. Then the night progressed and i felt like i used to before you started being distant. I felt how much i love you without even crying. It was like everything was going to be ok. It was as if you were missing me too. I honestly felt the connection we had early on, the one i lost once you got distant. I tried falling asleep and i couldn't . I slept early in the morning. I cried a bit. Most of this experience though felt like i was accepting that we are not together and that we will probably not be together any time soon. I am still leaning towards keeping you in my life somehow. I am exited with my single life at the same time. I call this progress! I genuinely miss you.
  23. Today i got out of the house an out in the sun! Felt SOOOO good!! It was refreshing! Gonna move a bit sooner than i was planning on so that's good news too! Day #13 I still want to contact him, but right now the urge is not that strong. Today i had a feeling he would contact me, but that was ujst wishful thinking. I am feeling better, better than this morning.I miss him. The only thing is that for some reason i think i am going to miss him for a long time, without the sadness. For some reason i think this is not over, but i am sure this is part of the process too.
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