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Thread: BF obsessed with ex.

  1. #201
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    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    You know we have no way of knowing that.

    You know him in real life and don't know the answer, so no way could we know.

    All I can tell you is, this is not the right guy for you.

    Can you try to focus on something else? Instead of him and her? How about seeing friends? Going for a run or to the gym? See your family?
    Just because I post on here doesn’t mean I’m not focusing on other things... I do all of the above and more, but this is part of it too.

  2. #202
    Super Moderator HeartGoesOn's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Reyhoney
    Do you guys think if she tried to get him back, he’d leave me? Go back to her!?
    That would be cause for celebration. Seriously, raise the bar, you can do better than this...

  3. #203
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    Originally Posted by HeartGoesOn
    That would be cause for celebration. Seriously, raise the bar, you can do better than this...
    Haha, that really made me laugh! You’re 100% right.

  4. #204
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Reyhoney
    Do you guys think if she tried to get him back, he’d leave me? Go back to her!?
    Ugh! I can't say it better than HeartGoesOn.

    This woman is not competition, not a measuring stick of your worth. She is just a woman on the planet that you don't know, save for the fact that she's got a spinning top for a moral compass. The "win" for you is when you really, truly, genuinely see that. The "win" is when you see that having this guy in your life, or even inside a cell in your brain, is a loss. The "win" is that when the thoughts you're consumed by right now are filed away under a shrug emoji.

    I get that you've got a life, that this isn't your "only" focus. But it's pretty high-octane. Human, understandable. But also? Lowering that octane should be a priority, not feeding it so you can crash the car into the brick wall a few more times. You can walk into just about any bar and throw a dart at a better dude than this guy, while running circles around this woman. So what are you waiting for? Be that woman, not someone mentally competing with the boogey woman you've invented his ex to be to excuse him for being either a lower-rung human or a human you caught at a really low point.

    She sucks. He sucks. Being with him and thinking about her makes your life suck. End scene, you know?

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  6. #205
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    21 pages later, you are still with him. You're wasting your life on him. You're 32, time to stop wasting time.

  7. #206
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    Originally Posted by Honeycomb8
    21 pages later, you are still with him. You're wasting your life on him. You're 32, time to stop wasting time.
    I mentioned we broke up, again.

  8. #207
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Guys like this usually bounce back and forth or bounce around several women. That's why it's on/off. He makes the rounds like musical chairs so it's not really a matter of you Or her it's a matter of you And her (and others perhaps)
    Originally Posted by Reyhoney
    would he have dumped me for her, had she asked.

  9. #208
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Reyhoney
    I mentioned we broke up, again.
    But you're still mentally in the relationship, ruminating over "why why why" and "what if ".

    Soon (hopefully ) you'll get tired of this and move on.

  10. #209
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    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    But you're still mentally in the relationship, ruminating over "why why why" and "what if ".

    Soon (hopefully ) you'll get tired of this and move on.
    Well yes of course, would you get over it immediately? Really doubt it, or you wouldn’t even be on that kind of forum.

  11. #210
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    We do make a choice—half consciously, half sub-consciously—to either indulge certain thoughts or move past them. I came to this forum, for instance, with an absurd story: I'd learned, post breakup, that my ex had been cheating on me during the fraught months that led me to end what was always a pretty lame (but fuego!) union. Thanks to an already bruised heart and suddenly inflamed ego, I wondered if her infidelity (alas, the truth!) could be a path toward of reconciliation. Just writing it down made me feel ridiculous—reflected my ridiculous self back at me in a way that made me cringe—and that was that. I didn't like what I saw. I wanted to see something else in the mirror.

    If I was a shrink, I'd say that some part of you is getting off on all this: that your ego is hungry, more interested in finding some kind of nourishment by snacking on this filthy story than writing a new one, a bit like someone who is frustrated with the job search opts to drink beer on the couch rather than pound the pavement. I'd say you'd do well to own that, sooner than later, to be able to look at yourself in the mirror and see a 32-year-old woman pretty obsessed with a woman that some dude who you've always known isn't worth your time can't stop sexting with. That is your personal truth, right now.

    You can choose to find power and identity by breathing oxygen into that truth, or you can change it by depriving it of oxygen. That's your choice, and we are defined by the choices we make. You can listen to the pain of others to remind yourself that yours is not unique, minimizing it in the process, which is personally what I like about this site, or you can broadcast your pain and maximize it. Something to think about.

    There is a place for venting, of course. I'm not saying "be quiet." I'm here to listen to you, and others, and I'm listening while telling you what I hear. I don't know you, but I know I have your best interests at heart. I hope that you can take those interests into your own heart, rather than dwelling on the corroded hearts of others.

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