BF obsessed with ex.

[katrina1980]

I’m trying my best to respond instead of react. I’m not staying with him after this but I need to know how I’ll go about this exactly. He’s gonna try to twist it if I tell him no doubt.

 

My first thought after getting mad that I’m with him though. We live together, family and friends know me, we go on trips etc. I mean we have real life together, she’s not real?

 

Is it just childish horny bored moment, or does he want her instead? I’m asking here because I know he won’t give me the truth I need.

 

That's why you don't confront and just leave. He will just deny, twist it and make it your fault for snooping anyway, gaslight you, etc

 

I mean what's to confront or talk with him about, come on it's right there in black and white!!

 

Who cares if he's bored and if that was his reason all the more reason to walk anyway, although I don't think that's the reason.

 

She lights his fire, he desires and longs for her obviously, the whole situation would make me sick. There is no way I could stomach even looking at him again, letting alone talking to him.

 

Trust me, he's not stupid he'll know why you left. Let him start obsessing about you!!

 

I don't get why you're even thinking about this, two years or not.

 

The man is a deceptive, lying, cheating DB who is obsessed with and desires another woman, and I rarely bash men like that.

[Hollyj]

Wow! I didn’t expect many replies. I was warned about possibly being his rebound but we’ve been together for a year and things are very official. Also he told her he’s happy with me? Doesn’t that mean he wants her to know there’s no chance for them?

 

Why do you think he loves her? I mean most of the texts were sexual except a few that I was confused about.

 

Bouldering is mountain climbing inside. Sorry that was confusing.

 

The bottom line is, he is cheating on you.

[Hollyj]

You’re right. I’ve heard that from some of my ex’s before when I’d even text or call to say something not remotely flirty even.

 

Is there something missing in our relationship that a man would do this? I know nothing happened yet but if they were only a few minutes away from each other I bet there would have been. He’s extremely sexual and requires a very specific form of sex that he told her that she fit ALL of his needs in bed. That was harsh.

 

 

It is his bad character. Don't make this about your sexual relationship so that you can excuse away. You should be done with this, not trying to make sense of cheating.

[Wiseman2]

You can break up and move out for whatever reasons you want. Simply "it's not working out" is fine if you don't want to confront him about what's on his phone..

I’m not staying with him after this but I need to know how I’ll go about this exactly. We live together.

[Hollyj]

I’m trying my best to respond instead of react. I’m not staying with him after this but I need to know how I’ll go about this exactly. He’s gonna try to twist it if I tell him no doubt.

 

My first thought after getting mad that I’m with him though. We live together, family and friends know me, we go on trips etc. I mean we have real life together, she’s not real?

 

Is it just childish horny bored moment, or does he want her instead? I’m asking here because I know he won’t give me the truth I need.

 

What does it matter. You know the truth.

[boltnrun]

You could wait around while he cheats on you with her and eventually leaves you for her.

 

Or, you can realize what's going on here and leave now while you still have self respect and dignity left.

 

Sticking around with your hands over your ears shouting "NAH NAH NAH" will not make this go away. Neither will trying to be the coolest, bestest girlfriend ever because, believe it or not, this has nothing to do with you and everything to do with the kind of person HE is.

[katrina1980]

 

Sticking around with your hands over your ears shouting "NAH NAH NAH" will not make this go away.

 

 

Well said!!! Lol

[figureitout23]

Wow! I didn’t expect many replies. I was warned about possibly being his rebound but we’ve been together for a year and things are very official. Also he told her he’s happy with me? Doesn’t that mean he wants her to know there’s no chance for them?

 

Why do you think he loves her? I mean most of the texts were sexual except a few that I was confused about.

 

Bouldering is mountain climbing inside. Sorry that was confusing.

 

Rebounding isnt just using someone to 'get over' an ex

 

It can also involve using others as pawns.

 

Hes telling her hes happy but hes still talking to her. Think logically, how much sense does that make if hes actually happy? Now how much sense does it make if youre being used to make her jealous and clearly its working, shes texting him, what an ego boost for her, he wants her even though he has a girlfriend!!! You'd be surprised how selfish a person rebounding can act, they truly dont see outside of themselves and their needs, if they did they never would have began dating.

 

Let these two selfish buttheads go, shes as guilty as he is, I wish I would flirt with anybody much less an ex knowing he has a girlfriend...gross...they deserve eachother.

[bluecastle]

I’m trying my best to respond instead of react. I’m not staying with him after this but I need to know how I’ll go about this exactly. He’s gonna try to twist it if I tell him no doubt.

 

My first thought after getting mad that I’m with him though. We live together, family and friends know me, we go on trips etc. I mean we have real life together, she’s not real?

 

Is it just childish horny bored moment, or does he want her instead? I’m asking here because I know he won’t give me the truth I need.

 

Just going to second Katrina et al here.

 

There is no conversation to be had here, nothing to confront.

 

It doesn't matter if it's a "childish horny bored moment," or if he genuinely wants her instead, or if he genuinely loves you, or...

 

Literally, none of that matters.

 

You say you want a man who understands what boundaries are and who doesn't disrespect you? This is not that man, and you have all the evidence you need.

 

This relationship began with a gamble, as all relationships do. The gamble (laid out by you in March) was: Is he over his ex? Is he capable of letting that go and making space to see what we can be?

 

There is no shame in taking that risk. I've done it myself, years ago, when someone left a man to be with me. Like, she was with him on Friday, with me on Sunday. Was she really over him? Was I rebound? Was this pure insanity? Of course I had those questions, and she provided me with answers—with words, with actions—that let me know she was totally done with that.

 

The risk paid off. Others have not.

 

Now, if I had come across messages like you've seen after three months, after nearly a year? I would have known my risky investment did not pay off, and I would have been out the door. No drama, nothing to discuss. Just not the person and situation for me.

 

Remember: You don't right a bad investment by doubling and tripling down—that's how you get further in the hole.

 

I really encourage you to let go of the comparison test. I suspect that's been there the whole time, somewhere in your mind, this sense that you're competing with her. You're trying to "beat" her, to win, and he is the prize. Winning is what keeps you hooked, keeps you more intent on rationalizing his actions and breaking down his psychology than listening to your own needs and feelings.

 

Screw that. You are the prize. You were the prize before you even knew this guy, and somewhere along the way I think you've forgotten that. The longer you stay intent on this guy reminding you that you're the prize, the longer you'll spend questioning your own value and worth.

[boltnrun]

My ex fell in love with someone else while we were allegedly together. He stayed with me for TWO MORE YEARS while he pursued this other woman. They had a secret relationship for months until finally she told him to choose, her or me. He chose her.

 

Yes, I knew how he felt about her. It was obvious. But I chose to play the hands over the ears shouting "NAH NAH NAH" game instead of facing reality. He told everyone he was NOT into her, not at all! Until he dumped me via email and moved her into his house on the same day.

 

Face reality. It's way better than pretending everything's fine when you know for a fact it isn't fine.

[LiteWait]

I am sure there are a rare exceptions, but to my mind once a cheater (and he is a cheater) always a cheater.

 

This is death by a thousands cuts, sounds like you are on your way there. I wasted five years of my life fighting stuff like this, you are an option not a priority to him.

 

It will be hard but either leave or kick him out...now.

[Starlight925]

Go to http://www.chumplady.com and read all about the "Pick Me Dance", which is what you're doing right now.

[Annia]

I’m trying my best to respond instead of react. I’m not staying with him after this but I need to know how I’ll go about this exactly. He’s gonna try to twist it if I tell him no doubt.

 

My first thought after getting mad that I’m with him though. We live together, family and friends know me, we go on trips etc. I mean we have real life together, she’s not real?

 

Is it just childish horny bored moment, or does he want her instead? I’m asking here because I know he won’t give me the truth I need.

 

Why does it matter if he will twist it? You've read it. There's no excuse or going around such message. It's not ambiguous, it's explicit. You don't need to win him in an argument or convince him he did wrong or make him admit anything or that he was wrong. You saw what you saw regardless of what excuses he might have. It's on you to leave him, not on him to defend himself and try to build a case to make you stay.

[boltnrun]

If you choose to stay despite all of this, you can't possibly be surprised when he dumps you to go back to her or you find out he's been going to her place to spend time with her.

 

Everything you need to know is right in front of you.

[MissCanuck]

You have to stop thinking up ways to rationalize his bad behaviour and get some self-respect, OP.

 

He doesn't have for you. So you need to go find it, and just end it. There is really no point confronting him, talking about it and waiting to hear how he tries to manipulate you.

 

Wait a little bit before you date again though. You would really benefit from spending time with yourself and building up your self-esteem, so you don't stay with twerps like him ever again.

[Leah82]

You need to leave for your mental health. This will become an unhealthy relationship with you becoming suspicious of every move he makes. Trying to find more signs of cheating. Trust me when I say that it will drive you into depression and anxiety. I’ve been there. Yes, he will twist it to make it sound like it was innocent. It isn’t. Leave now or else you will end up with thousands of dollars worth of therapy and taking anti-depressants. I thought I was going crazy and was close to being hospitalised. I will leave any future relationships at any red flags. Nobody is worth it.

[katrina1980]

 

How do you stay with a man after reading this?

 

Again I ask, how do you stay with your bf knowing another woman lights his fire like crazy and presumably more than you ever will?

 

 

I am re-quoting this^ as I think it bears repeating (imo).

 

Not that cheating isn't a horrendous and often unforgivable act, it IS, but beyond that what would hurt (and anger) me more than anything is knowing that he's pining away for another woman, obsessing, fantasizing and my guess would be still in love with her.

 

Again, how do you lie in bed with a man, make love with a man, spend intimate times with a man who you KNOW is obsessing over another woman? This is unfathomable to me and even if he weren't actually cheating (I suppose thus far he's emotionally cheating), I would still walk because when I'm in relationship, I am number one, and HE is my number one.

 

And so what if he told her he's happy with you, happy is an ambiguous word, has many definitions, one of which is content. Which he may be, but he's not passionate about you, she is his passion obviously, so again just wondering what story you are telling yourself that makes you consider wanting to talk to him, I suppose in an effort to work it out?

 

I hope you haven't catapulted yourself into denial - yes I know you've built a life together, but you can build a life with another man who doesn't long and obsess over his ex, and who isn't lying/deceiving you by communicating with her behind your back.

[Reyhoney]

I really believed it was just a purely sexual thing. Like what he feels is just pure sex and she means nothing to him than just sex and no more, cause he’s with me. I thought if he was as into her he would simply be with her?

 

Like she’s just a “thing” for him that he’s just in it for jerking off or ego boost.

 

Could that be true?

[mustlovedogs]

Stop being naive. No, you need to end this with him.

[katrina1980]

I really believed it was just a purely sexual thing. Like what he feels is just pure sex and she means nothing to him than just sex and no more, cause he’s with me. I thought if he was as into her he would simply be with her?

 

Like she’s just a “thing” for him that he’s just in it for jerking off or ego boost.

 

Could that be true?

 

OMG I cannot believe this is your thought process. It's one of the worst cases of denial I've read.

 

NO!!

 

 

They’ve been texting for a few weeks and mostly about sex. All they did together and loved, all they miss. They exchanged pictures too. In one of the texts they actually talk about meeting for sex. Then I come up. He tells her he’s happy with me but she still lights up his fire like crazy.

 

No man would ever say this to a woman he was not still pining over, obsessing over, missing, longing for and possibly still in love with.

 

He talks about sex with her because he wants to have sex with her!! Why? Because he's still obsessed with her and longing for her.

 

She's number one, you're number two. If this is acceptable to you, carry on.

 

It wouldn't be for most women, women who value themselves and have a respectable amount of self esteem and self respect.

[boltnrun]

I really believed it was just a purely sexual thing. Like what he feels is just pure sex and she means nothing to him than just sex and no more, cause he’s with me. I thought if he was as into her he would simply be with her?

 

Like she’s just a “thing” for him that he’s just in it for jerking off or ego boost.

 

Could that be true?

 

So you are completely, 100% fine with your boyfriend wanting sex with another woman who has said she wants sex with him? You can just completely put that out of your mind?

[bluecastle]

I'm reluctant to get super analytical because it's clear that you are really, really eager to rationalize this, out of fear, rather than to acknowledge that you're truly not comfortable or at all okay with the situation you're in.

 

Because if you were remotely comfortable with this—if you saw it as, like, a little kink of his, something you got off on, some unconventional way that made you guys strong and sexy together—then you wouldn't be posting about it here.

 

That said, with the hope of removing those blinders, let's approach it like this...

 

I'm going to assume that, before meeting him, you had sex with other people. Maybe other people you loved and had really amazing sex with. And, because you're human, maybe every now and then you think about those people, what you shared, the awesome sex you had.

 

What do you do with those thoughts? Do you just kind of observe them, let them fade? Or do you reach for you phone and start sexting with those former loves and lovers while your bf is picking up take out?

 

I'm assuming you don't do the latter because you're in a relationship. Because you think it would be disrespectful to your bf. Because it would verge very close to cheating. Because it is not a dynamic that you want in your life inside a committed relationship.

 

Am I right? At least in the ballpark?

 

If so, why would you find ways for it to be okay for him to do something you wouldn't be okay with?

[katrina1980]

So you are completely, 100% fine with your boyfriend wanting sex with another woman who has said she wants sex with him? You can just completely put that out of your mind?

 

It's amazing how the mind works when we're in denial and aren't yet ready to face the reality of a situation.

[katrina1980]

 

The problem is, he just got out of a super intense relationship and breakup 6 weeks ago. He said it wasn’t easy on him and he was bawling his eyes out for days after. (He didn’t flat out offer this information but I kind of probed him.) he only dated her for 8-9 months so I thought it wasn’t that serious.

 

From your previous thread.

 

The RL may not have been serious but his feelings for her sure were!! Clearly.

 

He's not over her OP, I'm sorry.

 

And if she wanted him back, don't think for a split second he wouldn't take her back -- she lights up his fire like crazy, remember?

[superfan]

You are coming on here looking for ways to excuse his behavior when there IS no excuse for it. He is cheating. You KNOW he is cheating. If not physcially, certainly emotionally. He doesn't respect you at all and you are accepting this because you somehow think he might change.

 

He won't change.

 

He is scum and if you let him walk all over you, he will continue to cheat.

 

Why would you want this for yourself? You don't need to make an excuse. You don't need to justify it or give him a reason and certainly don't need to listen to him attempt to rationalise it.

 

Just get your things and leave, or toss his out on the porch. Whichever.