BF obsessed with ex.

[Reyhoney]

No, and my heart goes out to you. Unfortunately, the only 'fact' is, he knows he got caught.

 

He actually said, "I thought I could cheat on you." Is that acceptable?

 

Anything after that is irrelevant.

 

I hope you'll consider researching the 5 stages of grief: denial, bargaining, anger, depression, acceptance. It's natural to bounce between denial and bargaining while you're in shock, and it's also natural to revisit those stages again and again until you work through them--for as long a that takes.

 

The stages of grieving are not neat and linear, like you're done with one and you move on to the next--there is a mish-mosh of each of these aspects in everything throughout your healing.

 

I raise this because it's understandable what you're doing with your questions, and you don't need to defend yourself to us. The good folks have been challenging your bargaining to help you move through it and reach more solid ground. This doesn't imply that you 'should' be any less shook up than you are or more healed. That's a process, and it's not a straight road.

 

Beware of 'experts' on the Internet. Their only expertise is feeding the denial stage of grief in order to market some book or service or video subscriptions--whatever. Most of us know a load of bull when we hear it, but that's only while enjoying a normal frame of mind. The pain of grief is the antithesis of normal, and that's what makes just about anyone vulnerable to crackpots who want to milk a buck off of the heartbroken.

 

Head high, and I hope you'll stay with this thread. You can walk away from the intensity to rest or regroup and reconsider any kneejerk reflexes to defend yourself or the guy. Nobody here is invested in hurting you or blaming you, and as has been said before, I'm truly sorry for your pain.

 

Holding you in my thoughts.

 

Thank you so much for the sweet words. I get that everyone is looking at my now ex and how blind I must be, but they don’t realize that my heart hasn’t caught up to my mind yet. Yes I know all those facts now, but feelings aren’t a switch to just turn off. I will have questions, I will want closure even knowing I won’t get it, it’s human to try to figure out what happened and how. This is someone who has been kissing me goodnight and good morning almost every day for a year. It’s hard to stomach that he doesn’t love me, that he’s cheating on me. My decision to leave is one, but my feelings about everything else is a different story.

[Reyhoney]

Wanted to update so you guys don’t think I just overlooked this. I moved out in a matter of hours (left some stuff behind but worth it) and I blocked him on everything after texting him that it’s over.

 

If this was a mistake, weakness or an immaturity teen age boy moment I could have tried to forgive him, but it’s deeper than this. He’s anchored to her. He’s been emotionally connected to her the entire time. I’ve always asked him how come he never smiles in our photos together and he said he doesn’t like taking pictures in general but I’ve seen one of their photos together and he had his arms all around her and you could see all of his teeth.

 

Anyway, I don’t deserve this.

[Starlight925]

Wanted to update so you guys don’t think I just overlooked this. I moved out in a matter of hours (left some stuff behind but worth it) and I blocked him on everything after texting him that it’s over.

 

If this was a mistake, weakness or an immaturity teen age boy moment I could have tried to forgive him, but it’s deeper than this. He’s anchored to her. He’s been emotionally connected to her the entire time. I’ve always asked him how come he never smiles in our photos together and he said he doesn’t like taking pictures in general but I’ve seen one of their photos together and he had his arms all around her and you could see all of his teeth.

 

Anyway, I don’t deserve this.

 

Wow! This is an amazing update. I know this hurts, and I know how hard this is, but you are truly an amazing woman of great strength to be able to leave him.

 

You will go through cycles, ups and downs. This is not easy, but I think you realize this is worth it.

 

Warning to you now: Don't go back when, not if he calls you, begging, pleading, crying. Please, resist that. You will be back here, asking why, yet again, he's texting her.

 

She can have him. You have us.

[Honeycomb8]

I'm SO proud of you for being strong! It hurts now but I assure you you're much better off and later in the future will find someone who will truly deserve you.

 

Onwards and upwards!

[bluecastle]

Wanted to update so you guys don’t think I just overlooked this. I moved out in a matter of hours (left some stuff behind but worth it) and I blocked him on everything after texting him that it’s over.

 

If this was a mistake, weakness or an immaturity teen age boy moment I could have tried to forgive him, but it’s deeper than this. He’s anchored to her. He’s been emotionally connected to her the entire time. I’ve always asked him how come he never smiles in our photos together and he said he doesn’t like taking pictures in general but I’ve seen one of their photos together and he had his arms all around her and you could see all of his teeth.

 

Anyway, I don’t deserve this.

 

Bravo, Rey.

 

I know how hard this is. I've been on all sides of this equation, and you've made the right call.

 

Your capacity to try to understand it—and even to wonder if you could forgive it—are compassionate qualities that are going to continue to serve you well. In life, and ultimately with someone else.

 

This is just not someone worthy of them. With him those qualities get twisted in the wrong ways, pulling you away from your strong core. It's so very inspiring to see you seeing that and acting on it. I know how hard it is.

 

Wishing you the best.

[Wiseman2]

Well done! Yeah it's like you were the third wheel in your own relationship and who needs that kind of mindf? Let him figure out how to pay all his own bills etc and still have time to sext her.

I moved out in a matter of hours (left some stuff behind but worth it) and I blocked him on everything after texting him that it’s over.

 

He’s anchored to her. He’s been emotionally connected to her the entire time.

[Reyhoney]

So he’s still texting her... very explicitly.

[bluecastle]

So he’s still texting her... very explicitly.

 

Of course he is. He’s been doing this for, what? A year and a half? I suspect a year and half from now I’ll be doing most of the same things I do regularly, just like you’re doing the same thing you’ve been doing: staying with a dude who has explicit back and forths with he ex.

 

What’s the issue, exactly?

 

Yeah, that’s me being a little flip. But it’s also me being totally straight with you. This is who you’re with. You know this, have known this.

[Reyhoney]

Of course he is. He’s been doing this for, what? A year and a half? I suspect a year and half from now I’ll be doing most of the same things I do regularly, just like you’re doing the same thing you’ve been doing: staying with a dude who has explicit back and forths with he ex.

 

What’s the issue, exactly?

 

Yeah, that’s me being a little flip. But it’s also me being totally straight with you. This is who you’re with. You know this, have known this.

 

I expected it to change. We broke up for a few weeks then we got back together, after he admitted he made a mistake and that he wasn’t perfect. I know I’m an idiot who deserves this.

[boltnrun]

I expected it to change. We broke up for a few weeks then we got back together, after he admitted he made a mistake and that he wasn’t perfect. I know I’m an idiot who deserves this.

 

He won't stop because you've proved to him that no matter what he does you'll stay and put up with it. You might complain but you don't leave. He knows this.

[Reyhoney]

He won't stop because you've proved to him that no matter what he does you'll stay and put up with it. You might complain but you don't leave. He knows this.

 

I don’t think I’ll ever understand, I thought after all this time he would forget all about her.

[boltnrun]

I don’t think I’ll ever understand, I thought after all this time he would forget all about her.

 

Why should he? The both of you (you and the alleged "ex") have shown him he can have you both.

[bluecastle]

I'll try to help you understand, if you actually want to try to understand.

 

He wasn't over her when he got involved with you. Which you knew. Because he told you. So your relationship more or less started with him saying "I am not over my ex" and you saying "That's okay, let's keep dating." I know it wasn't that simple—except, well, it kind of was, baked right in there from the beginning. Those were your roles.

 

He got to be the The Dude Into His Ex With You. You were The Dudette Who Was Okay With Waiting For Him To Be Over His Ex.

 

Then, during the relationship, he showed you that. More than once. He showed you he wasn't over his ex by engaging with her. He was playing the role. You stayed true to your role. Sure, there were some spats, some tension, even a little mini-breakup. But a foundation is a foundation. This was yours.

 

In dating you he froze himself in a kind of permanent state of not being over his ex, as you froze yourself in a permanent state of waiting for him to get over her. It's like magnets: two sides will always resist each other, while two sides will always stick. You guys tried to make the resisting sides the sticky sides. Never works. But whereas magnets can't have sex with each other, and don't have complex brains, humans do. And sex and brains, along with what sex does to brains, can make resistance feel almost sticky.

 

Understand?

 

Now would be a good time to do the thing that would have been good to do last March: ask yourself why you are into this. Because you are. Some part of you is turned on by this; otherwise you wouldn't do it. Is is that you don't think you're worthy of someone being really into you? Is is because you've got an ex you're kinda hung up on? Is it because you want to "win" in some non-existent competition against other women? Is it...

 

I don't know the answer. You may not. Yet it is inside of you.

[Reyhoney]

I’ve only struggled to move on because I couldn’t understand it. He was with me and living together, traveling, he does whatever I ask of him, he’s sweet and kind when we are together. He serves me in any way a man can... except this.

 

Does that mean he doesn’t love me, never will? Is he still in love with her even after all these months!?

[bluecastle]

There is no such device as a "love thermometer," meaning there is literally no possible way on the planet to scientifically gauge if someone does, or does not, love us, or "still" loves someone else more than us. Typically, we stay with people whom we love and feel loved by, and leave people we don't feel loved by or who can't express their love in the way we need.

 

You, for some reason, are more interested in seeing love as a thing to "extract," with your dynamic with him created by working very hard to extract that love. You get bits and pieces that way. Whether you get enough is something you get to call, not ask someone to give.

 

He has shown you what he can give.

[Reyhoney]

The worst part is when I saw the texts again, there was some from June when we were on vacation in her area and he was telling her that he’s looking for a hotel room, then he said he can’t make it because he didn’t know to get away to see her, cause I was there.

[bluecastle]

I'm sorry, I am.

 

But I don't see that as "the worst part." I see it as part of the whole. You see it as the worst part because part of you was hoping everything you did—especially big things, like trip—would be the thing that blotted out his ex. That was the case in the beginning, the case in the middle, the case today.

 

See what I'm saying? You can look through his phone as much as you'd like, and throw darts at his head in your brain until you're 80. But you can't control another person, not through sex or love or vacations. You can, however, choose who you invest love in, have sex with, and go on trips with.

[figureitout23]

I expected it to change. We broke up for a few weeks then we got back together, after he admitted he made a mistake and that he wasn’t perfect. I know I’m an idiot who deserves this.

 

I had to go back and reread your story.

 

He’s a piece of work.

 

Sorry just had to say that.

 

You don’t deserve this, no one does.

 

What might be what’s keeping you with him is a deep down belief that you deserve it, but you don’t! And with some self help, maybe even some counseling you will be able to see that.

 

It’s not an easy thing to recover from, recognizing you deserve healthy and not drama, not difficult and painful, that’s not love but to some it’s whats recognizable. I still stumble honestly, what helps me personally the most is being comfortable single, there’s something about being able to walk away from hurt because you don’t fear not having someone there has been monumental for me personally, try to find what will work for you.

 

You can do it.

 

Take the first steps though, leave this guy. He’s not going to change and your relationship ship is forever tainted.

[Reyhoney]

I genuinely thought we were over this, I accepted that he made a big mistake and was going to fix it... just like any relationship that faces challenges, I believed we can get over it... I was obviously in denial and delusional to think that, he wasn’t with me because of his undying love for me... I’m not the one he wants.

[bluecastle]

There are these phrases out there that are stuck in all of our heads—the idea, for instance, that all relationships "take work" and "face challenges." True, sort of. We actually get to pick the challenges we want to take on, the kind of work that excites us. It doesn't have to feel like mining coal with a toothbrush.

 

People, and relationships, are not toasters. They can't actually be "fixed." They evolve, and devolve, all of them working differently—some better than others. When you're woking well, and working well alongside someone, it won't feel like something to "fix."

 

Inhale, exhale. You're hardly alone in stumbling into something like this. You can stumble out of it, stronger.

[Reyhoney]

He suggested we do couples therapy.. wonder if it’ll even be worth it?

[boltnrun]

He suggested we do couples therapy.. wonder if it’ll even be worth it?

 

What reason has he given for continuing to have a relationship with his alleged "ex"? How does he think couples counseling will stop him from wanting to see his "ex"?

 

You do know that a mistake is something we do on accident, right? Do you honestly believe he "accidentally" tried to arrange to spend time in a hotel room with his ex while on vacation with you?

[Reyhoney]

What reason has he given for continuing to have a relationship with his alleged "ex"? How does he think couples counseling will stop him from wanting to see his "ex"?

 

You do know that a mistake is something we do on accident, right? Do you honestly believe he "accidentally" tried to arrange to spend time in a hotel room with his ex while on vacation with you?

 

I doubt he does anything by accident... from the texts it seemed like he’s the one who always initiated the conversations and the ex just replies normal and then he brings past memories to her and it goes belly up from there! He told her how if he closes his eyes he can smell her, hear her, feel her, taste her...

 

that made me sick. As of now we are broken up.

[boltnrun]

I doubt he does anything by accident... from the texts it seemed like he’s the one who always initiated the conversations and the ex just replies normal and then he brings past memories to her and it goes belly up from there! He told her how if he closes his eyes he can smell her, hear her, feel her, taste her...

 

that made me sick. As of now we are broken up.

 

Good. Please stay broken up. Not "broken up".

 

Let me tell you my story...I saw a text my ex sent his ex while we were allegedly in a relationship. It said "Wish I was there with you, I'm nothing without you". I foolishly pretended I didn't see that text and continued in the "relationship". He ended up cheating on me multiple times with this woman and others and eventually dumped me for one of the women he was cheating on me with. See what my delusional "loyalty" got me? It got me dumped! I felt such a fool.

 

Please stay away from him. Block him from contacting you. Don't you want a secure, loving relationship where you don't always have to be afraid your boyfriend might be in love with someone else?

[Reyhoney]

No... I can’t be with him. Of course he’s tryin to fix it... but he can never really open up and show me that deep part of him (that she knows) but he doesn’t show it to me.

 

He must have been with me out of convenience...