BF obsessed with ex.

[Reyhoney]

You know we have no way of knowing that.

 

You know him in real life and don't know the answer, so no way could we know.

 

All I can tell you is, this is not the right guy for you.

 

Can you try to focus on something else? Instead of him and her? How about seeing friends? Going for a run or to the gym? See your family?

 

Just because I post on here doesn’t mean I’m not focusing on other things... I do all of the above and more, but this is part of it too.

[HeartGoesOn]

Do you guys think if she tried to get him back, he’d leave me? Go back to her!?

 

That would be cause for celebration. Seriously, raise the bar, you can do better than this...

[Reyhoney]

That would be cause for celebration. Seriously, raise the bar, you can do better than this...

Haha, that really made me laugh! You’re 100% right.

[bluecastle]

Do you guys think if she tried to get him back, he’d leave me? Go back to her!?

 

Ugh! I can't say it better than HeartGoesOn.

 

This woman is not competition, not a measuring stick of your worth. She is just a woman on the planet that you don't know, save for the fact that she's got a spinning top for a moral compass. The "win" for you is when you really, truly, genuinely see that. The "win" is when you see that having this guy in your life, or even inside a cell in your brain, is a loss. The "win" is that when the thoughts you're consumed by right now are filed away under a shrug emoji.

 

I get that you've got a life, that this isn't your "only" focus. But it's pretty high-octane. Human, understandable. But also? Lowering that octane should be a priority, not feeding it so you can crash the car into the brick wall a few more times. You can walk into just about any bar and throw a dart at a better dude than this guy, while running circles around this woman. So what are you waiting for? Be that woman, not someone mentally competing with the boogey woman you've invented his ex to be to excuse him for being either a lower-rung human or a human you caught at a really low point.

 

She sucks. He sucks. Being with him and thinking about her makes your life suck. End scene, you know?

[Honeycomb8]

21 pages later, you are still with him. You're wasting your life on him. You're 32, time to stop wasting time.

[Reyhoney]

21 pages later, you are still with him. You're wasting your life on him. You're 32, time to stop wasting time.

 

I mentioned we broke up, again.

[Wiseman2]

Guys like this usually bounce back and forth or bounce around several women. That's why it's on/off. He makes the rounds like musical chairs so it's not really a matter of you Or her it's a matter of you And her (and others perhaps)

would he have dumped me for her, had she asked.

[boltnrun]

I mentioned we broke up, again.

 

But you're still mentally in the relationship, ruminating over "why why why" and "what if ".

 

Soon (hopefully ) you'll get tired of this and move on.

[Reyhoney]

But you're still mentally in the relationship, ruminating over "why why why" and "what if ".

 

Soon (hopefully ) you'll get tired of this and move on.

 

Well yes of course, would you get over it immediately? Really doubt it, or you wouldn’t even be on that kind of forum.

[bluecastle]

We do make a choice—half consciously, half sub-consciously—to either indulge certain thoughts or move past them. I came to this forum, for instance, with an absurd story: I'd learned, post breakup, that my ex had been cheating on me during the fraught months that led me to end what was always a pretty lame (but fuego!) union. Thanks to an already bruised heart and suddenly inflamed ego, I wondered if her infidelity (alas, the truth!) could be a path toward of reconciliation. Just writing it down made me feel ridiculous—reflected my ridiculous self back at me in a way that made me cringe—and that was that. I didn't like what I saw. I wanted to see something else in the mirror.

 

If I was a shrink, I'd say that some part of you is getting off on all this: that your ego is hungry, more interested in finding some kind of nourishment by snacking on this filthy story than writing a new one, a bit like someone who is frustrated with the job search opts to drink beer on the couch rather than pound the pavement. I'd say you'd do well to own that, sooner than later, to be able to look at yourself in the mirror and see a 32-year-old woman pretty obsessed with a woman that some dude who you've always known isn't worth your time can't stop sexting with. That is your personal truth, right now.

 

You can choose to find power and identity by breathing oxygen into that truth, or you can change it by depriving it of oxygen. That's your choice, and we are defined by the choices we make. You can listen to the pain of others to remind yourself that yours is not unique, minimizing it in the process, which is personally what I like about this site, or you can broadcast your pain and maximize it. Something to think about.

 

There is a place for venting, of course. I'm not saying "be quiet." I'm here to listen to you, and others, and I'm listening while telling you what I hear. I don't know you, but I know I have your best interests at heart. I hope that you can take those interests into your own heart, rather than dwelling on the corroded hearts of others.

[boltnrun]

I never said "immediately ". But this ruminating hurts you. It's never pleasant to see or read of someone hurting. We're just trying to help you get past this by pointing out what could be helpful. Of course you are welcome to disregard whatever we say.

[Reyhoney]

I never said "immediately ". But this ruminating hurts you. It's never pleasant to see or read of someone hurting. We're just trying to help you get past this by pointing out what could be helpful. Of course you are welcome to disregard whatever we say.

 

I haven’t disregarded anything, I do truly appreciate every single person who took the time to offer me any advice. I’m still dealing with it and sorting through hurt feelings and thoughts... maybe I do tend to marinate in things longer than others, I’m just that kind of person I guess... but like I ruminate in negative feelings, I do the same for the positive feelings in my life too.

 

Ruminating helps me to move on, I can’t block or numb my feelings or thoughts or just push them down. I would if I can, but I’m guessing it’ll make me explode after a while... when I do ruminate though I exhaust every single thought and it never comes up ever again.

[bluecastle]

Ruminating helps me to move on, I can’t block or numb my feelings or thoughts or just push them down. I would if I can, but I’m guessing it’ll make me explode after a while... when I do ruminate though I exhaust every single thought and it never comes up ever again.

 

You sure about this?

 

It was ruminating, back in March, that allowed you to move forward, and eventually in with this man, not on from him. And it was ruminating, in ways, that made a breakup in Jan (the one that should have come in March) not so sticky. And so, to some of us in the bleacher seats, it might seem that ruminating is not your friend, not a productive avenue of moving on so much as a way of sprinting around in a hamster wheel while feeling like you're running a marathon.

[Reyhoney]

You sure about this?

 

It was ruminating, back in March, that allowed you to move forward, and eventually in with this man, not on from him. And it was ruminating, in ways, that made a breakup in Jan (the one that should have come in March) not so sticky. And so, to some of us in the bleacher seats, it might seem that ruminating is not your friend, not a productive avenue of moving on so much as a way of sprinting around in a hamster wheel while feeling like you're running a marathon.

 

Okay then, I’m done with this thread.

[bluecastle]

No one is asking you to leave. I understand—oh, do I—that sometimes it’s not always fun to hear what people say.

 

We’re on Team You, though. Hope you can remember that.

[reinventmyself]

I've just read the entire thread and after all the mental exercises spent trying to decode this, I see it in simpler terms.

You mentioned his preference for sex of a certain nature, one that you provide him and the same one that the ex had in common with him.

You even used the word fetish.

 

This isn't about you vs her and what does she have that you don't. . and will he be with her if had the chance.

This is very likely about a man who is a sex addict. The only thing you have in common with his ex is that you have all the right parts and are a willing participant.

 

I'll bet my lunch if you were to dig a little deeper you'd find some other goings on with this guy.

But you shouldn't, wouldn't want to waste your time.

[figureitout23]

I've just read the entire thread and after all the mental exercises spent trying to decode this, I see it in simpler terms.

You mentioned his preference for sex of a certain nature, one that you provide him and the same one that the ex had in common with him.

You even used the word fetish.

 

This isn't about you vs her and what does she have that you don't. . and will he be with her if had the chance.

This is very likely about a man who is a sex addict. The only thing you have in common with his ex is that you have all the right parts and are a willing participant.

 

I'll bet my lunch if you were to dig a little deeper you'd find some other goings on with this guy.

But you shouldn't, wouldn't want to waste your time.

 

I think she said she WONT do the kinky stuff he did with her, it’s not her thing.

[figureitout23]

Okay then, I’m done with this thread.

 

Why because responders aren’t indulging you?

 

That’s revealing...

 

I guess no point in asking though.

[irka000]

I am sorry you are going through this. I really I am. I recently discovered that my boyfriend of one year texts another woman. I was told they used to work together. I love him but wouldn't be able to be with him now. Wondering if they chatting at night etc. I must say I am quite shocked how strong you are.

I wouldn't be able to torture myself like this.

What is your threshold here ? What needs to happen for you to have enough.

Mine chosen communication with her over me. He lied to me over it. He also gave her green light to send him hearts etc this was enough for me

I wish you quick recovery from this.

[Reyhoney]

Why because responders aren’t indulging you?

 

That’s revealing...

 

I guess no point in asking though.

 

So if I stay and talk about it is ruminating but if I stop talking about it it’s me throwing a tantrum cause I’m not being indulged? Right Dr. Phil?

 

What do you want me to talk about? Exchanging recipes?

 

It is very revealing actually, cause I was out on Friday night having fun and you’re here on my thread willing to act like a therapist. 👏 😂

[Reyhoney]

I am sorry you are going through this. I really I am. I recently discovered that my boyfriend of one year texts another woman. I was told they used to work together. I love him but wouldn't be able to be with him now. Wondering if they chatting at night etc. I must say I am quite shocked how strong you are.

I wouldn't be able to torture myself like this.

What is your threshold here ? What needs to happen for you to have enough.

Mine chosen communication with her over me. He lied to me over it. He also gave her green light to send him hearts etc this was enough for me

I wish you quick recovery from this.

 

Thank you so much, I wish you the best with this too and that you recover super fast and put it all behind you!

[figureitout23]

So if I stay and talk about it is ruminating but if I stop talking about it it’s me throwing a tantrum cause I’m not being indulged? Right Dr. Phil?

 

What do you want me to talk about? Exchanging recipes?

 

It is very revealing actually, cause I was out on Friday night having fun and you’re here on my thread willing to act like a therapist. 👏 😂

 

Have you ever heard the phrase: a hit dog will holler?

 

You are throwing a tantrum right now and attempting to insult me by inferring I have no life while yours is amazing, but... well... you have this issue....

 

FWIW, I am not Dr. Phil, just someone who’s been in similar dating catastrophes and a bad marriage, I’ve been there as well as been through therapy, you asked for advice and were subsequently given it. Also...I wrote my response to you at 7:00 am, I wasn’t posting Friday night because I was working.

 

You ruminating on ‘why her’ is what’s keeping you stuck and most likely what has kept you with him all this time, you are competing with her, you always have been.

 

You’re absolutely right staying here discussing it as nauseum isn’t going to help, but you can’t change what you don’t acknowledge. Dr.Phil actually does say that one.

[Reyhoney]

So we broke up not long ago and guess what? They’re back together.

 

Not ruminating, not throwing tantrums, just thought I’d update you on how the story ended, just in case another woman in my shoes stumbles upon this while looking for answers.

[Honeycomb8]

Hope you're okay. He was no prize and treated you horribly so it's no loss. Move forward and learn from it ok? NEVER put up with such disrespect again. It was absolutely ridiculous and sad. Be thankful you no longer have to deal with unease and are no longer wasting more time. 😌

 

Also, being defensive and attacking others always makes you look bad, that was immature and petty.

 

How did you find out about them getting together?

[boltnrun]

So we broke up not long ago and guess what? They’re back together.

 

Not ruminating, not throwing tantrums, just thought I’d update you on how the story ended, just in case another woman in my shoes stumbles upon this while looking for answers.

 

Now that you know, you can get on with moving forward and seeing what the future holds.

 

I'm glad this man is out of your life, he wasn't good for you. How cool that you're now free and available to find a guy who is the right one!