BF obsessed with ex.

[figureitout23]

No... I can’t be with him. Of course he’s tryin to fix it... but he can never really open up and show me that deep part of him (that she knows) but he doesn’t show it to me.

 

He must have been with me out of convenience...

 

I think him being a cheating lying using piece of sh*t is a bigger deal than that, keep things in perspective, if you pay attention to the mouse while you’re being suffocated by the elephant, he will get back in, no question. All he will have to do is ‘show you that side of him’ and the cheating and lying and betrayal gets swept under the rug. Pay attention to the elephant.

[bluecastle]

I hope you can listen to what FiO is saying.

 

The stories you're telling right now—him trying to fix it, him unable to show you a deep part that she has access to, him being with you out of convenience—are just that: stories. They're being written by your ego, which is starving for something that can prop you up. That's what the ego does: tells the stories we need to get through the day.

 

I've made a number of excuses for not finishing my taxes, for instance, which are due in three weeks—basically finding ways to tell myself I'm "busy" when I'm really just "lazy" and, like all humans, hate taxes. But I'll get them done on time, because I always do, because the bigger part of me can see the bs I'm feeding myself to indulge the smaller part of me. So those little stories kind of soothe me for a bit without totally self-sabotaging me.

 

You are telling self-sabotaging, self-defeating stories, something the ego is prone to do. Even the "good" part of your story—the idea that there is some kind of goodness there in him to extract—is built around the theme that she's somehow "better" than you, that he likes her more than you, but that maybe, just maybe, something can shift.

 

None of that is true, but you're choosing to make it true. Big truth? He is just not a good guy for you because you caught him at a f'ed up moment in his life. Will he be this man forever? Maybe, maybe not. Will he be this man forever with you? Very likely. Has enough psychic damage already been done and built into the fabric of you two that it wouldn't even matter if he "fixed" himself tomorrow? Yes.

 

It's a simple story—the thing you've known since the beginning—but we can make a simple story complicated by ignoring it, by trying to turn it into something else. And we can do real damage to our own core—our head, heart, and spirit—along the way. You are doing damage to your core. You can stop, if you're willing to stand down your ego a bit and let the big facts be your guide instead of the stories you're telling to connect and mute them simultaneously.

 

He's an easy target, as a dude who can't stop seeking validation from an ex. A classic piece of sh*t, as you'd likely call him if your best friend was in your shoes. That makes him a sh*t option for romance. Why choose a sh*t option? Why consider working through things with a sh*t option? That's taking the little pile of sh*t and throwing it up into the fan, where it then splatters all over the walls. And no story gets rid of the stink, only leaving the room does.

[boltnrun]

If you give him a third chance I can tell you right now what will happen...he will continue to message his "ex" and try to see her.

 

Why? Because the precedent has already been set. He pretends to be in a relationship with you because he hates to be "alone", you know about him trying to reconnect with his ex but decide he's hurting or damaged or some other line of BS, you stay with him hurting the whole time because despite all your pretending you KNOW the truth, and you do more and more damage to yourself. Soon you'll conclude you're incapable of inspiring love in him or anyone else which isn't true, but you've stuck yourself in this situation for so long you believe you're the problem. When the only problem you're causing is trying to force this relationship to work.

 

He wants to keep you not out of love, but out of not wanting to be without someone to get affection and attention from. And he knows you'll put up with it.

 

Prove him wrong. Leave him for good and don't go back.

[Reyhoney]

I’m guessing his behavior is long term that he wouldn’t ever stop or change?

 

I’m done. I’ve already done so much damage to myself that will take me years to reverse, and I doubt I’ll ever heal from this. I’m not feeling like the victim, I had a chance to walk away. I’m just stating facts.

[boltnrun]

I’m guessing his behavior is long term that he wouldn’t ever stop or change?

 

I’m done. I’ve already done so much damage to myself that will take me years to reverse, and I doubt I’ll ever heal from this. I’m not feeling like the victim, I had a chance to walk away. I’m just stating facts.

 

Like I said before, why should he stop or change? You (and the so-called "ex") have accepted his behavior. He has zero motivation to stop or change. I bet you even tell him you love him! Where are the consequences?

 

Bottom line, if he wants his ex he should not be pretending to be in love with someone else. That's just mean. And you don't need to be putting yourself through this any longer.

 

If you go back you are basically telling him you love what he does and he should keep doing it.

[figureitout23]

I’m guessing his behavior is long term that he wouldn’t ever stop or change?

 

I’m done. I’ve already done so much damage to myself that will take me years to reverse, and I doubt I’ll ever heal from this. I’m not feeling like the victim, I had a chance to walk away. I’m just stating facts.

 

He is a butthead no question and unfortunately his behavior is long term, look how long ago this thread was started.

 

And unfortunately it will take a while to recover from this but a big big big fact you probably didn’t realize is you were broken before him, your first post about all this was wondering if you should even date him considering he was 6 weeks out of that relationship, he was a ONS, you probably got attached to cause many people can’t have sex without that attachment, so you from the start ignored red flags that you knew were shady. This goes deeper than him being a douche, which he is btw, a huge one!

 

But the broken part of you wants/needs to prove yourself worthy to be the one he chooses.

 

That mindset will destroy your self esteem. If nothing else, stay far away from him.

[Reyhoney]

I do believe he does love me though, am I totally wrong?

[figureitout23]

I do believe he does love me though, am I totally wrong?

 

The only person who truly knows feelings within your relationship is the both of you, so I won’t take that from you.

 

But I WILL say whatever feelings he has for you doesn’t seem to stop him from dismissing your wellbeing and security in your relationship.

 

He got caught, he repented, if that was the end of the story, who am I to say he wasn’t sincere? HE gave you all you needed by continuing to hurt you by continuing with his ex. Does love erase that? That’s an honest question, maybe you fee it does.

[Reyhoney]

I really appreciate every one of you... I know I’ve been a mess and delusional beyond measures... thank you again and again for trying to help my stupid as* over and over...

[boltnrun]

I do believe he does love me though, am I totally wrong?

 

Are you trying to convince yourself to go back to him?

[Reyhoney]

Are you trying to convince yourself to go back to him?

 

No I’m not, I do still love him but it doesn’t change the past, present or future... I’m guessing since it’s been 2 years since they broke up and he’s still obsessing, there’s no hope for him. Nothing will change.

[boltnrun]

No I’m not, I do still love him but it doesn’t change the past, present or future... I’m guessing since it’s been 2 years since they broke up and he’s still obsessing, there’s no hope for him. Nothing will change.

 

But there is hope for you.

 

Hope for a great future for you and for whoever you choose to share your life with, as long as it's not him. Or someone you know for a fact is a poor choice but you decide to proceed anyway.

 

Don't go back and try to rewrite history. What happened happened, but it doesn't have to happen anymore.

[bluecastle]

Something to think about:

 

Ask people in relationships that are warm, spicy, and secure—healthy ones, be they new, newish, or a marriage—why they are in those relationships and they generally do not say, "Because I love him/her." Nor do they say, "Because he/she loves me." That's because the love is just there, in such abundance that it is hardly a focal point.

 

Ask people in messed up relationships why they stay in them and they generally say, "Because I love him/her" or "Because I believe he/she loves me." That's because the love is scarce, half there, half always out of reach, the thing you focus on to avoid focusing on everything else. Because if you focus on even a fraction of "everything else" you are basically staring at wreckage.

 

Love is not a currency, in other words. You don't give love to get love. You don't save love to spend love. Love is not a reward for anything, which is what makes it so rewarding. To value "being loved" in the way we value "being rich" is a kind of trap; just like chasing money only for money means you miss out on so many joys that money can provide, chasing love for the sake of being loved is to miss out on the full spectrum of the very powerful thing we call love.

 

Does he love you? Do you love him? Does "yes" or "no" to those questions change anything? That is the important question right now, as it is always the important question in relationships.

[boltnrun]

Something to think about:

 

Ask people in relationships that are warm, spicy, and secure—healthy ones, be they new, newish, or a marriage—why they are in those relationships and they generally do not say, "Because I love him/her." Nor do they say, "Because he/she loves me." That's because the love is just there, in such abundance that it is hardly a focal point.

 

Ask people in messed up relationships why they stay in them and they generally say, "Because I love him/her" or "Because I believe he/she loves me." That's because the love is scarce, half there, half always out of reach, the thing you focus on to avoid focusing on everything else. Because if you focus on even a fraction of "everything else" you are basically staring at wreckage.

 

Love is not a currency, in other words. You don't give love to get love. You don't save love to spend love. Love is not a reward for anything, which is what makes it so rewarding. To value "being loved" in the way we value "being rich" is a kind of trap; just like chasing money only for money means you miss out on so many joys that money can provide, chasing love for the sake of being loved is to miss out on the full spectrum of the very powerful thing we call love.

 

Does he love you? Do you love him? Does "yes" or "no" to those questions change anything? That is the important question right now, as it is always the important question in relationships.

 

Especially when the ONLY reason to stay is "but I LOVE him!!!!!" 9 times out of 10 it's not love but desperation to keep someone in your life in order to hide from or cover up something else.

[bluecastle]

Especially when the ONLY reason to stay is "but I LOVE him!!!!!" 9 times out of 10 it's not love but desperation to keep someone in your life in order to hide from or cover up something else.

 

Right. I wouldn't say it's "not love but desperation" but rather a desperate form of love, closer to what a starving child feels when crying for a parent than what two adults are capable of cultivating together.

 

I'm a big believer that the love we are capable of harnessing and sharing with another person is a reflection of the love we feel for ourselves. If that is a desperate form of love, one more dominated by doubts and judgements, then all we will seek and share is love that never evolves past its thinnest, most desperate shape.

 

To give some perspective on where all that comes from, Reyhoney?

 

I've been a sh*t, shady boyfriend. I was young, messed up, more "in hate" with myself than "in love." And I found someone who matched that state perfectly—meaning she stayed where others would not, two broken pieces making a broken mirror that reflected our broken selves back to us. Did I love her? Yes, best I could. But my "best," back then, was not good enough for anyone, certainly not for her. Were she writing on this form then, and were I responding to her as the person I am today, I would advise her to run in the opposite direction.

 

I'm not proud of that chapter, but I own it. In my life story that is the section of "Who Not To Be," while the chapters since have been "Who I Want To Be." I can't speak for her, some 14 years later, but we still run in overlapping circles. She's good, crushing it. We both are. Good people in our cells and bones who got knotted up at a bad time, and made a thin, toxic form of love by bringing out the bad in each other.

 

It happens. It needn't define you.

[Reyhoney]

Well I only want to know why is he hooked on that ex... I mean I know it’s just my curiosity but it’s what keeps me fighting with myself, like why why why!? Sure I’ve missed ex’s but it never got to this degree!

 

Is he just messed up and sick?

[Wiseman2]

If you are asking yourself this, it's time to forget him permanently.

Is he just messed up and sick?

[boltnrun]

Well I only want to know why is he hooked on that ex... I mean I know it’s just my curiosity but it’s what keeps me fighting with myself, like why why why!? Sure I’ve missed ex’s but it never got to this degree!

 

Is he just messed up and sick?

 

How does that translate into wanting to be in a relationship with him? Do you have some kind of need to prove he loves you more than her, or instead of her? Do you have some kind of need to "win"?

 

It's also ironic that you asking that when you are "hooked" on a guy who you know for a fact is still in some kind of love with his ex. That would be the better "why" to ask yourself.

[bluecastle]

Well I only want to know why is he hooked on that ex... I mean I know it’s just my curiosity but it’s what keeps me fighting with myself, like why why why!? Sure I’ve missed ex’s but it never got to this degree!

 

Is he just messed up and sick?

 

Let's rewrite the above. Short version goes: "Why are you hooked on that ex? Why are you hooked on someone hooked on an ex? Is that missed up and sick?"

 

See, your read on him, right from the start, was that he was hooked on this ex. And that was part of the hook, for you.

 

Why? What's up with that?

 

I mean, I can write you some poetry about how people process exes, and maybe some of it is enlightening or gives you another layer of understanding of him, but that's just sharpening the same hook, you see? This is only interesting because you've decided it's interesting. Figure out what, exactly, makes you so interested in this so you can be bored by it.

 

It's like magic. Once you know how the trick is done the trick becomes boring. You are playing black magic on yourself right now.

[Reyhoney]

I’m not trying to win anything.. I’m not a competition because there’s nothing to win... and if there was anything to win, I’m sure as heck I’m not winning it. It’s just one of those things that keep me up at night.. have you ever experienced that? Like just why in the world? I guess it’s just the human in me that searches for meaning... I’m not demanding you guys to answer it, it’s not like any of us can read his mind but I can’t help ask why sometimes.

[bluecastle]

To make it clearer:

 

You are, in ways, as "obsessed" with his ex as he is. And, no, you don't get to explain that simply because you love him, have spent all this time with him, and are hurting. Because you were obsessed with her basically right after the first time you met and had sex. That obsession has been baked into the whole thing, on your end, from the very beginning.

 

Why?

 

Do you look at other women at parties and compare yourself to them? Do you think you are "better" than them if you are the one the guy wants to sleep with? Do you doubt that you are a lovable, attractive woman? Do you see life as a competition that you have to "win" rather than an ongoing adventure to "enjoy"?

 

I don't know you. I can't answer any of that, or even ask the right questions. But those are the roads better spent spending your obsessive energy on than the one you're on now.

[bluecastle]

Another way to look at it:

 

My girlfriend is kind of obsessed with Paris. She lived in London for a while, spent a lot of time in Paris. Fell in love with it. She and Paris have history. So she thinks about Paris a fair amount, and, very early in our relationship—second date?—she mentioned this to me. She talked about Paris the way people talk about a relationship that isn't quite over—because, for her, it's not. She and Paris are going to hook up again, at some point, unless some day she decides she's over Paris. I have no power over any of that.

 

What has happened to me since that second date? I think about Paris a lot. I've been a bunch too, but now I'm more intrigued than ever. And I react to that intrigue by bringing Paris up with my girlfriend. Nine months later, it's a thing we talk about sometimes: riding bikes in Paris, drinking wine in Paris, eating cheese by a canal in Paris. Paris is baked into our romance, even though our romance has played out in California. As a result, I bet my girlfriend is maybe a bit more hung up on Paris today than she was when we first met.

 

You see where I'm going here?

 

I am kind of obsessed with the fact that my girlfriend is kind of obsessed with Paris. And, together, we fuel that obsession. Now, if "Paris" was instead "her ex-husband" the same thing would likely happen, but with less satisfying results. I am happy to have become obsessed with Paris by meeting her, because I am someone who loves to imagine traveling to places. I am equally happy to not spend any time thinking about her ex-husband. That would not work for me. Had "ex husband" come up on that second date when "Paris" did, it would have been our last date.

[boltnrun]

Do you ask yourself "What does she have that I don't have? Why doesn't he love me the way he loves her?"

[Reyhoney]

You guys are throwing huge assumptions at me over and over again. No, I’m not obsessed with her. I’m only obsessed by his weird obsession that I can’t seem to make sense of.

 

I don’t feel like I’m less attractive than anyone... but I’ve seen their texts and they did talk about me. He told her that I’m not into the sexual things he is into (and she’s into too) and how she fits all his needs so well and how they fit together so well and how he can’t forget many things and wishes he was closer so he’d give her MORE of those things.

 

Imagine you reading your current partner text this to someone and it wouldn’t make you question why?

[boltnrun]

You guys are throwing huge assumptions at me over and over again. No, I’m not obsessed with her. I’m only obsessed by his weird obsession that I can’t seem to make sense of.

 

I don’t feel like I’m less attractive than anyone... but I’ve seen their texts and they did talk about me. He told her that I’m not into the sexual things he is into (and she’s into too) and how she fits all his needs so well and how they fit together so well and how he can’t forget many things and wishes he was closer so he’d give her MORE of those things.

 

Imagine you reading your current partner text this to someone and it wouldn’t make you question why?

 

Back then? I kept trying because I didn't value myself enough to know that just because this ONE MAN wanted someone else, it wasn't any reflection on me. Or to know that continuing to try to hold onto someone who loved someone else was a waste of time.

 

Now, I know that asking myself "why" changes nothing. You'll never know. Ruminating does nothing but keep you psychologically in the relationship when in reality you are not.

 

This happened because he is the wrong man for you. Period.

 

PS: How long did you continue to stay with him after seeing those texts?