Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 18 of 23 FirstFirst ... 15161718192021 ... LastLast
Results 171 to 180 of 225

Thread: BF obsessed with ex.

  1. #171
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2017
    Posts
    3,799
    Gender
    Male
    To make it clearer:

    You are, in ways, as "obsessed" with his ex as he is. And, no, you don't get to explain that simply because you love him, have spent all this time with him, and are hurting. Because you were obsessed with her basically right after the first time you met and had sex. That obsession has been baked into the whole thing, on your end, from the very beginning.

    Why?

    Do you look at other women at parties and compare yourself to them? Do you think you are "better" than them if you are the one the guy wants to sleep with? Do you doubt that you are a lovable, attractive woman? Do you see life as a competition that you have to "win" rather than an ongoing adventure to "enjoy"?

    I don't know you. I can't answer any of that, or even ask the right questions. But those are the roads better spent spending your obsessive energy on than the one you're on now.

  2. #172
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2017
    Posts
    3,799
    Gender
    Male
    Another way to look at it:

    My girlfriend is kind of obsessed with Paris. She lived in London for a while, spent a lot of time in Paris. Fell in love with it. She and Paris have history. So she thinks about Paris a fair amount, and, very early in our relationship—second date?—she mentioned this to me. She talked about Paris the way people talk about a relationship that isn't quite over—because, for her, it's not. She and Paris are going to hook up again, at some point, unless some day she decides she's over Paris. I have no power over any of that.

    What has happened to me since that second date? I think about Paris a lot. I've been a bunch too, but now I'm more intrigued than ever. And I react to that intrigue by bringing Paris up with my girlfriend. Nine months later, it's a thing we talk about sometimes: riding bikes in Paris, drinking wine in Paris, eating cheese by a canal in Paris. Paris is baked into our romance, even though our romance has played out in California. As a result, I bet my girlfriend is maybe a bit more hung up on Paris today than she was when we first met.

    You see where I'm going here?

    I am kind of obsessed with the fact that my girlfriend is kind of obsessed with Paris. And, together, we fuel that obsession. Now, if "Paris" was instead "her ex-husband" the same thing would likely happen, but with less satisfying results. I am happy to have become obsessed with Paris by meeting her, because I am someone who loves to imagine traveling to places. I am equally happy to not spend any time thinking about her ex-husband. That would not work for me. Had "ex husband" come up on that second date when "Paris" did, it would have been our last date.

  3. #173
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2015
    Posts
    12,769
    Do you ask yourself "What does she have that I don't have? Why doesn't he love me the way he loves her?"

  4. #174
    Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2018
    Posts
    97
    You guys are throwing huge assumptions at me over and over again. No, I’m not obsessed with her. I’m only obsessed by his weird obsession that I can’t seem to make sense of.

    I don’t feel like I’m less attractive than anyone... but I’ve seen their texts and they did talk about me. He told her that I’m not into the sexual things he is into (and she’s into too) and how she fits all his needs so well and how they fit together so well and how he can’t forget many things and wishes he was closer so he’d give her MORE of those things.

    Imagine you reading your current partner text this to someone and it wouldn’t make you question why?

  5.  

  6. #175
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2015
    Posts
    12,769
    Originally Posted by Reyhoney
    You guys are throwing huge assumptions at me over and over again. No, I’m not obsessed with her. I’m only obsessed by his weird obsession that I can’t seem to make sense of.

    I don’t feel like I’m less attractive than anyone... but I’ve seen their texts and they did talk about me. He told her that I’m not into the sexual things he is into (and she’s into too) and how she fits all his needs so well and how they fit together so well and how he can’t forget many things and wishes he was closer so he’d give her MORE of those things.

    Imagine you reading your current partner text this to someone and it wouldn’t make you question why?
    Back then? I kept trying because I didn't value myself enough to know that just because this ONE MAN wanted someone else, it wasn't any reflection on me. Or to know that continuing to try to hold onto someone who loved someone else was a waste of time.

    Now, I know that asking myself "why" changes nothing. You'll never know. Ruminating does nothing but keep you psychologically in the relationship when in reality you are not.

    This happened because he is the wrong man for you. Period.

    PS: How long did you continue to stay with him after seeing those texts?

  7. #176
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Location
    Cloud Nine
    Posts
    36,592
    Gender
    Male
    Creeps like this lie to everyone usually to feed their own egos or to get what they want. He's probably not worth your head space. Maybe they belong together.
    Originally Posted by Reyhoney
    He told her that I’m not into the sexual things he is into (and she’s into too) and how she fits all his needs so well and how they fit together so well and how he can’t forget many things and wishes he was closer so he’d give her MORE of those things.

  8. #177
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2017
    Posts
    3,799
    Gender
    Male
    Rey, honey?

    I can't imagine this. It's not in my wheelhouse. I have had sex with women who, shortly after, I realize are hung up on a dude who is not me. I have dated a woman—one woman—who after two months it became clear was hung up on some past dudes and into nebulous attention from others. My response to this, every single time, was to end things with these women.

    No tension, no fireworks. Just a kind of statement that I didn't think we were on the same page. Always a bummer, but less a bummer than what I thought might happen.

    You made some different choices. You slept with guy, realized he had some emotional hangups. And you "probed," to quote yourself from an earlier thread. Now, I get that. We all "probe" early to feel out what we're feeling out. And you got pretty firm answers to your probes: dude was into his ex.

    Why keep probing? You are still probing, you see? Why?

  9. #178
    Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2018
    Posts
    97
    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Rey, honey?

    I can't imagine this. It's not in my wheelhouse. I have had sex with women who, shortly after, I realize are hung up on a dude who is not me. I have dated a woman—one woman—who after two months it became clear was hung up on some past dudes and into nebulous attention from others. My response to this, every single time, was to end things with these women.

    No tension, no fireworks. Just a kind of statement that I didn't think we were on the same page. Always a bummer, but less a bummer than what I thought might happen.

    You made some different choices. You slept with guy, realized he had some emotional hangups. And you "probed," to quote yourself from an earlier thread. Now, I get that. We all "probe" early to feel out what we're feeling out. And you got pretty firm answers to your probes: dude was into his ex.

    Why keep probing? You are still probing, you see? Why?
    I think I fooled myself into thinking that after we broke up that he would learn from this and stop... I mean it’s not like he’s trying to quit smoking... it’s just stop sexting your ex. I thought it’s just a mistake he did because of his weakness and being human... but now he went and he’s the one who keeps reaching out to her.

    I appreciate you guys telling me about your personal stories, it means a lot that you’re trying to still help me with this.

  10. #179
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2017
    Posts
    3,799
    Gender
    Male
    Look, there's nothing wrong with giving someone a second go (or a third, or a thirtieth). Thing is, just like during a first go, the gauge of things "working" can't be whether they do x or stop doing y, but if they're just...working.

    The "fooled myself" part of this started, I think, way before the mini-breakup, when you tricked yourself into thinking that something that was unworkable (dude sprung on ex) could work—the very fallacy that you're still knotted up about. That's why I keep harping on that, to get you to at least try to explore that moment rather than all the dramatic noise that followed.

    If you had zero interest in a dude who was sprung on an ex, this would have been a dude you knew for a week. It's that simple. Some part of you was activated and until you challenge yourself to face that it will continue to be activated, either by him or by a proxy.

  11. #180
    Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2018
    Posts
    97
    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Look, there's nothing wrong with giving someone a second go (or a third, or a thirtieth). Thing is, just like during a first go, the gauge of things "working" can't be whether they do x or stop doing y, but if they're just...working.

    The "fooled myself" part of this started, I think, way before the mini-breakup, when you tricked yourself into thinking that something that was unworkable (dude sprung on ex) could work—the very fallacy that you're still knotted up about. That's why I keep harping on that, to get you to at least try to explore that moment rather than all the dramatic noise that followed.

    If you had zero interest in a dude who was sprung on an ex, this would have been a dude you knew for a week. It's that simple. Some part of you was activated and until you challenge yourself to face that it will continue to be activated, either by him or by a proxy.
    I know, and believe me I do blame myself. I’ve no excuses so I can’t play the victim. I knew about what he was going through when we met.. but he said that he was clearly over her and their relationship last 8-9 months so I thought like so many guys I’ve known before, that he would be over it fast. Even when I saw his texts the first time, I said it’s just stupid horny boy talk.

Page 18 of 23 FirstFirst ... 15161718192021 ... LastLast

Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •