Today I was rejected because I don’t have Instagram followers.

[TacticalLinguine]

I. Am. Not. Joking. 
 

For context sake. I have plenty of flaws, but what I have going for me; I am a 25 year old woman. I run two businesses. I travel. I do charity work. I’m artistic. I draw, I play drums. I hike. I do kickboxing. I’m fit. I think I am attractive, though sometimes I’m not sure anymore. I’m honest, straightforward, easygoing. But I do not use social media. 
 

I’d been chatting with this guy from Bumble, we seemed to get along well. We met up today, at a cafe. It was lovely. We were laughing, he seemed to get my sarcasm and humour, we talked about ourselves, it was honestly great. Until.. He asked if he could follow me on Instagram. I said I have no Instagram. He made a funny face, and from there on, it just got weird! He seemed to shut off, it got awkward, he made some strange comments about how weird it is to not have social media etc, and eventually I just got uncomfortable. Everything was off. I ended the date quite quickly afterwards. 
 

When I got home, I didn’t text him. He reached out a couple of hours later, basically saying he had a nice time but didn’t wish to pursue anything further with me. The way he said it and his behaviour at the cafe, it’s hard to translate the sentiment from one language to another/from experience to text, but I felt uneasy, so I asked if it was something I said. He sent me a long, kind of a whiny text that basically stated having no Instagram is weird and his exes always had a lot of followers. 

I have not responded and I will hit myself with an iron if I do. At first I thought it was just a bizarre excuse, but now, I’m pretty sure he was serious. I’m not necessarily hurt, I’m honestly amazed. It also makes me quite ashamed of my generation and the upcoming ones, the fact that Instagram followers now have such meaning?! My ex who cheated on me also made comments about the other women being more desireable because they have this and that many followers on Instagram. I have many shortcomings, but my accomplishments are things I have going for me. I’m flabbergasted that years of hard work are so easily trumped by followers. 

I don’t see how this makes sense. Have your standards, sure. Your priorities and what have you. But, what the hell?

[Seraphim]

Someone ( him) has sad priorities. 

[Batya33]

This is one individual of many other fish in the sea.  This one person has weird perspectives and you dodged a bullet. He should have asked you right away if you have IG if it was that important to him.  I'm sorry you've encountered other individuals who apparently feel the same - it's very typical of dating and meeting people.  I was judged/criticized - over 20 years ago - for not being familiar with the Grand Tetons, for not being open to casual sex, etc.  Please don't let it affect you in any way other than you had a first meet with a guy who ended up acting like a jerk. Obviously don't take it personally.  

I'm flabbergasted as to why your reaction is to list all the reasons why you're so awesome -this situation has nothing to do with your value or worth as a person, as a potential romantic partner.

[ShySoul]

12 minutes ago, TacticalLinguine said:

I’m not necessarily hurt, I’m honestly amazed. It also makes me quite ashamed of my generation and the upcoming ones, the fact that Instagram followers now have such meaning?!

I must be the most undesirable person in the world. I have zero Instagram followers, zero karma points on redit, sent zero tweets (or whatever you call them now on X), have zero facebook friends, zero views on TikTok, and zero of whatever else people do on whatever social media platform is currently in. Wait, maybe I'll get lucky and LinkedIn will suddenly become the new standard for how attractive someone is. I need to go and update my profile.

Seriously, I ask myself the same question. Why are people so obsessed with this stuff? A person's worth is not determined by how many likes and followers you get. What matters is the person you are. I'd rather have one true friend who will be there when I need them then a million followers who exist only in the imaginary world of the internet.

There are better people out there who won't judge you on such superficial means. Consider yourself lucky to not be with this person.

[Batya33]

Oh! Shysoul's post reminded me - in  2015  I decided to look to go back to work after being a SAHM so I created a Linkedin profile.  After I got my job over a year later my friend sent me a Linkedin request -she told me she hadn't before I got my job because she didn't want to be linked in with a SAHM (which she had been for years and she also worked part time).  Our friendship ended about a year later -for other reasons but I always remembered how judgey and rude that was. 

People are superficial in dating to some exent- I mean most people won't date someone if they find the physical features unattractive - but this person was rude to tell you why - and his criteria make no sense at all  and suggest he really isn't dating/boyfriend material.  

[ShySoul]

6 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

People are superficial in dating to some exent- I mean most people won't date someone if they find the physical features unattractive - but this person was rude to tell you why - and his criteria make no sense at all  and suggest he really isn't dating/boyfriend material.  

Makes you wonder how many people are missing out on someone that could have been amazing and provided them with countless moments of happiness all because they had some weird criteria or checklist of things that ultimately doesn't mean much in the scheme of things.

Really is there loss.

[Wiseman2]

40 minutes ago, TacticalLinguine said:

. He reached out a couple of hours later, basically saying he had a nice time but didn’t wish to pursue anything further with me. . He sent me a long, kind of a whiny text that basically stated having no Instagram is weird and his exes always had a lot of followers. 

Unfortunately one and done dates are common and he could have picked any reason.

But this is particularly weird. You dodged a bullet. Hopefully you deleted and blocked this clown. 

[Starlight925]

From his perspective, a woman with a ton of followers is considered desirable, and his worth is tied up in how much his partner is desired by others. 
  If his girlfriend has 10K followers, but she chooses him, he gets to pat himself on the back for being her chosen one. 
   It’s not so different from the boys in school who want to date the popular Cheerleader, or the girls who want to date the cutest Quarterback. 
  Let this go with the knowledge that his insecurity and shallowness are his shortcomings and his alone. 
  And you go kickbox some ass!

[Batya33]

17 minutes ago, ShySoul said:

Makes you wonder how many people are missing out on someone that could have been amazing and provided them with countless moments of happiness all because they had some weird criteria or checklist of things that ultimately doesn't mean much in the scheme of things.

Really is there loss.

I don't wonder. No one has to date anyone and sure they might be missing out.  Some thought my list was too restrictive although it was short.  I didn't care at all -I was totally confident about my musts.  I married someone who I love and am committed to and who met everything on that list.  But I routinely evaluated my musts -like checking in with myself.  Two women ended up with men I declined to date because they lied about their age in their profiles -one has been married for many years, the other was with him for years and ended it finally when she discovered a porn addiction.

I do think it can be sad if someone has nonsensical criteria but often it's because they're actually not ready to be the right person to find the right person so it's just as well.  

[Batya33]

4 minutes ago, Starlight925 said:

From his perspective, a woman with a ton of followers is considered desirable, and his worth is tied up in how much his partner is desired by others. 
  If his girlfriend has 10K followers, but she chooses him, he gets to pat himself on the back for being her chosen one. 
   It’s not so different from the boys in school who want to date the popular Cheerleader, or the girls who want to date the cutest Quarterback. 
  Let this go with the knowledge that his insecurity and shallowness are his shortcomings and his alone. 
  And you go kickbox some ass!

Oh -thanks! I really didn't get what the incentive was at all.  Still, how ridiculous.  Arm candy nonsense.

[yogacat]

I wonder if he might have thought that saying you don't have Instagram maybe he thought that you were making it up and that you didn't want him to follow you on Instagram.

He might have also thought that it was strange because most people nowadays do have some sort of social media presence, even if it's just a personal account.

Still, not really a fair reason to not want to pursue something with someone. I don't have Instagram either so we would have had to cancel the date because I feel I can't date people that expect me to show them a photoshoot lol.

I do hope one day he comes to his senses and sees how insignificant that is in the grand scheme of things. And to bring up exes having tons of followers as some kind of justification for this is just bizarre. More power to you for sticking up for yourself and keeping up your hard work!

[greendots]

I'm stumped!

Is he an influencer? If he were one or worked in that sort of field, then he may have wanted to pursue someone who's like-minded.

Still, just what the?!

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, TacticalLinguine said:

 having no Instagram is weird and his exes always had a lot of followers. 

That's hilarious. No wonder they're exes!. It's ridiculous to assume that thirst traps are more "desirable" . This guy doesn't seem too bright. 

[lostandhurt]

You dodged a bullet with this guy.

Stand your ground with douche bags like this.  When someone says "Its weird you don't have instragram or followers" Simply reply "Its weird you place so much value on something so fake"

  Personally if a woman I was interested in judged her own self worth and value on the number of followers she has I would be concerned.

Social media has created a generation or two of narcissists.

Lost

[ShySoul]

3 hours ago, Starlight925 said:

It’s not so different from the boys in school who want to date the popular Cheerleader, or the girls who want to date the cutest Quarterback.

You would think at a certain point people would grow out of that mentality though instead of turning everything into a popularity contest. Besides, just because someone is popular doesn't mean they are good for you or that you would have any kind of compatability.

And even back then I knew it was the smart, quiet ones you had to watch for. Trust me, the geeky ones will blow you away for more then the hot and popular ones every time. 😉

1 hour ago, lostandhurt said:

Social media has created a generation or two of narcissists.

I think the narcissists were always there. Social media has just made them more visible.

[Kwothe28]

8 hours ago, TacticalLinguine said:

I don’t see how this makes sense.

Some people view not having a social media as a "red flag". As people dont tend to "hide" anything on social media these days, they think you either are lying not to have one or have something to hide since you are not airing your life 24/7 through socials.

Is it weird for them to think that? Sure, especially when you try to explain it to bunch of boomers here who grew up without a phone that they carry around and social networking. But to young people those things are "bread and butter". So they look at you as some cro-magnon people from the past.

Just look at it as basic incompatibility and move on.

[MissCanuck]

24 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

Some people view not having a social media as a "red flag". As people dont tend to "hide" anything on social media these days, they think you either are lying not to have one or have something to hide since you are not airing your life 24/7 through socials.

That's my guess as well. 

I'm speaking from a different "generation" since I'm 43 and don't have IG at all. The only social media I have is an old FB account I opened when it first came out ages ago. While I wouldn't bat an eye if someone doesn't have a social media presence, there are indeed people out there who would see it as suspect and wonder if you are hiding something. 

Is it absurd? Yes. It is a thing? Also yes. 

Chalk it up to a mismatch and keep moving. 

[yogacat]

2 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

Some people view not having a social media as a "red flag". As people dont tend to "hide" anything on social media these days, they think you either are lying not to have one or have something to hide since you are not airing your life 24/7 through socials.

Is it weird for them to think that? Sure, especially when you try to explain it to bunch of boomers here who grew up without a phone that they carry around and social networking. But to young people those things are "bread and butter". So they look at you as some cro-magnon people from the past.

Just look at it as basic incompatibility and move on.

Yes, that was my initial thought too. You said it much better than I.  Or that, he might have thought that you may have had one but just didn't want to add him.

I agree about looking at it as basic incompatibility and moving on.

[Starlight925]

High amount of IG followers is today's version of a movie star.

It's akin to Clare Danes wanting to date you.  

You get to say, "My new girlfriend is Clare Danes".

You get to say "My new girlfriend has 10,000 followers".

Just as OLD has drastically changed, so has this social landscape.

Heck, my friend's boyfriend forgot her birthday last year, which he said was because she's not on Facebook, which is how he gets birthday reminders.  He is 70.

Mind you, I am someone whose 12 followers include all my nieces, lol.

[yogacat]

I don't think that you need to interpret his behavior as 1) literally not liking you afterwards because you lack instagram or 2) him being insincere about that.

I myself wonder sometimes when I meet a person to date, and they have no social media, whether they are hiding because they are doing illegal stuff, whether they are just extremely anti-social and closed to let everyone know them and that’s why they have no facebook or instagram or a single picture at whatsapp, whether that’s due to them wanting to hide for different reasons, or them being extremely pretentious by having a “holier-than-thou”, “I am too cool / too good for social media” Idea. In the end it is extremely rare and brings sometimes reflections about what that means or signifies. 

That being said, I don't think you need to interpret it as him actually not liking you any more than that, I think it just is the case that you *appear* "different" when you don't have social media. That different can absolutely be a plus, don't get me wrong, I am just saying it is a *difference*. I am also not saying that differences are more valuable than similarities or reverse; but it is a difference of personal preference.

I wouldn't think that he just claims, that you are unimaginably inferior in other categories. Maybe he's also just prejudiced and stereotypes "not on social media" that way.  Especially if he hasn't dated very much, because I firmly know, that people who are really good at dating don't have rule books like that. Or maybe he does, in which case I am glad for you, that you found out right away.

[smackie9]

It's a modern age where SM is simply part of everyday life for the majority... those who don't, will find prejudice. It's just the way life is. Ignore it and go forward. 

[catfeeder]

Sounds like the perfect person to screen himself out, did so. @yogacat made a great point about his possible assumption being that you just didn't want to give him access. If you have 2 businesses, it might be inconceivable to an SM junkie that you wouldn't market those through an SM presence.

[tattoobunnie]

On 3/9/2024 at 7:09 PM, TacticalLinguine said:

his exes always had a lot of followers. 

You dodge a bullet!  What a weirdo!  Anyone in your generation who doesn't rely on a vapid existence of Instagram is one in a million, and a true gem.  Go you!  IRL is the best.  Content for social media influencers is staged and highly produced - NOT REAL.  NOT GENUINE.

[Betterwithout]

How bizarre!  Is that what social has come to?   
The upside is that you don't have to break if off with him and you didn't waste too much time.  You can just soldier on with your 0 instagram followers and draw closer to a man with substance! 😁

[LootieTootie]

EW this guy is a loser