Was I played ??

[MissCanuck]

19 minutes ago, Lexismith said:

23 

In time, you will learn that this isn't what the beginning of a healthy relationship looks like. 

Passive-aggressive social media posts are for teenagers. Leave them to it. But that isn't the only thing that put a fork in this. He doesn't appear to have been as interested in you,  hence his nonchalant attitude. 

It's best to let this go and try to learn from it. 

[Lexismith]

11 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

In time, you will learn that this isn't what the beginning of a healthy relationship looks like. 

Passive-aggressive social media posts are for teenagers. Leave them to it. But that isn't the only thing that put a fork in this. He doesn't appear to have been as interested in you,  hence his nonchalant attitude. 

It's best to let this go and try to learn from it. 

So then I got played . If he wasn’t interested in me 

[MissCanuck]

49 minutes ago, Lexismith said:

So then I got played . If he wasn’t interested in me 

It's not about being "played", so no. I am not sure why you are stuck on that. Why is it important to you to feel you were played? 

I think he liked you on some level but not enough to take it further with you. That's it. 

 

[Wiseman2]

12 hours ago, Lexismith said:

  I told him I moved on and started talking to other people when he ghosted me. he told me he started losing interest just within a couple days cause I was assuming things. 

Are you seeing other people? Have you moved on? Or are you just playing him?

It's strange that according to you, men are falling all over your beauty and awesomeness, yet you're chasing this guy so hard and playing all these games to get his attention. 

[Sindy_0311]

58 minutes ago, Lexismith said:

So then I got played . If he wasn’t interested in me 

Sometimes this narrative is easier to accept than the fact that he was not that into you despite of your beauty. Beauty by itself is not enough for a long term relationship, communication skills, humbleness, confidence and kindness are… 

[Lexismith]

13 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

Sometimes this narrative is easier to accept than the fact that he was not that into you despite of your beauty. Beauty by itself is not enough for a long term relationship, communication skills, humbleness, confidence and kindness are… 

So you agree he wasn’t into me 

[Sindy_0311]

9 minutes ago, Lexismith said:

So you agree he wasn’t into me 

He might just have changed his mind about you through time… it doesn’t make him a player. 

[MissCanuck]

OP, can you not imagine that maybe he was into you at one point but had a change of heart? 

You are very black-and-white in your thinking and are clearly only here to validate your belief that he is a player.  
 

Maybe something you did turned him off. Showing him all your DMs from other men might have contributed to that. Arrogance and game-playing ain’t cute. 

[kim42]

I don't think you were played. I understand that you probably need some closure, and from what you've shared here, I think he might be simply tired of all the arguing and making assumptions based on social media.

It seems you two just don't communicate well, too many misunderstandings instead of clear communication. I think that's tiring, and even if you like someone, you just don't want to spend so much time arguing.

[kim42]

10 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I agree with other posters that it takes TWO to play this game and you were an equal participant.  I think it's important to own that, to own your role, and hopefully learn something for next time, next man.

That said, I wanted to address the bolded because I hear this a lot and am trying to wrap my brain around it.   I have asked this question previously on other threads but don't recall receiving an answer.

Anyway, the question is - why are you "embarrassed" having a man know how you feel about him?  That you care?  To reveal your vulnerability in that regard?

Even if he WERE playing you, which in this case I don't think he was, but even if he were, there is nothing for YOU to be embarrassed about, imo.  When you reached out to him, even when he was being cold, you were being real, being genuine.  You cared and your behavior reflected that.  

For the life of me I don't understand what's "embarrassing" about that?  Is it ego?  That would be my guess but I honestly don't know.

I recall times when I have been played, and I was still open about my feelings, even though I was moving on and told him I was moving on.

But I went out being REAL.  No games, no hiding my feelings, in other words, NO BS.

I wasn't embarrassed, I felt empowered!

Course that's just me and we're all different.  But I would still like to know the thought process behind it, behind being "embarrassed."

You are not the only one, I hear this A LOT which is why I ask.

 

 

I agree with the above, and the feeling of being empowered when opening up about my feelings really resonates with me. Thanks for sharing this!

[Batya33]

8 hours ago, Lexismith said:

Also thinking a lot of ways he was trying to humble me I’m a very beautiful girl and I get a lot of attention everywhere. We go out on a date and I spend a lot of time on my looks. He was just look at me and wouldn’t compliment me I would be like do I look good, he would say obviously I don’t date girls that I don’t think look good.

Maybe he didn't find your physical features as appealing and/or  was turned off by your focus on your looks /doesn't value physical features as much as the men who hit on you because they find your looks appealing.  

As to whether he'll miss you -who knows? It depends on so many factors.  You seem very needy for male attention even if you don't want to be with that particular man.  Something to explore as I think it's a negative and will undermine your goal of finding a partner.

[boltnrun]

Your ego seems to be steering your ship. You are coming across like "I'm so beautiful, how could he NOT be into me?? He must have PLAYED me!" When it might have been that he simply got tired of the games.

Can you let this go? Are you able to accept that maybe a man just isn't into you anymore? And that you two are just not right for one another?

There are other men out there, you know. 

[Coily]

11 hours ago, Lexismith said:

 I’m a very beautiful girl and I get a lot of attention everywhere. We go out on a date and I spend a lot of time on my looks. He was just look at me and wouldn’t compliment me I would be like do I look good, he would say obviously I don’t date girls that I don’t think look good.

Hubris is not attractive, and will only overshadow natural looks. Also we guys get tired, very tried of having to pay compliments to women every time we are out with them. It's not that we don't appreciate the looks, but we do want to move beyond the superficial of we are wanting more than a shag. Focus less on your looks and more on your personality, and who you want to be in a relationship. Unless you want to be a trophy wife.

Quote

He also seen my DMs and he seen that a lot of men were still trying to entertain me and I responded to a few messages a week after we started talking and he got upset and said “ right when we started talking he cut every woman off”.

He has moved past wanting to be told he has to compete with other guys when he thinks he is dating exclusively. Showing him these DMs is insulting, and no wonder he got upset. He was focused on learning about you, not some measuring contest with other guys. I can tell you from experience most mature guys when they have this thrown in their face will just walk, they know drama is in the future. How would you feel if he showed you all the women sending him saucy pictures? Not great i would imagine.

Quote

when we talk on the phone, he would also be around people and I’d asked him one day does anybody in your circle friends or family know about me or know about us and he would just give a dry response and say “Nope I mean some people know a little bit they don’t know who you are or nothing like that”. Just a little things like that it was like he was trying to make me feel unwanted in a way.

So you wanted to be shown off and bragged about? That how this comes across.

Overall you seem insecure about the fact he rejected you, not the other way around. To you he's the one that got away, he is unattainable to you, which is why you are wanting to know if he'll miss you. This guy bruised your ego, which is why you think you got played. In reality he wasn't into playing this ego stroking game.

Sorry if that was hard to swallow, but I think this could be a really good learning experience for you. A springboard to get your ind into the space where you can enter a loving and stable relationship. We all need a reality check from time to time, and this guy may have just given you that moment. Let him go, and think more about what you want in a relationship. Best of luck.

[Lexismith]

30 minutes ago, Coily said:

Hubris is not attractive, and will only overshadow natural looks. Also we guys get tired, very tried of having to pay compliments to women every time we are out with them. It's not that we don't appreciate the looks, but we do want to move beyond the superficial of we are wanting more than a shag. Focus less on your looks and more on your personality, and who you want to be in a relationship. Unless you want to be a trophy wife.

He has moved past wanting to be told he has to compete with other guys when he thinks he is dating exclusively. Showing him these DMs is insulting, and no wonder he got upset. He was focused on learning about you, not some measuring contest with other guys. I can tell you from experience most mature guys when they have this thrown in their face will just walk, they know drama is in the future. How would you feel if he showed you all the women sending him saucy pictures? Not great i would imagine.

So you wanted to be shown off and bragged about? That how this comes across.

Overall you seem insecure about the fact he rejected you, not the other way around. To you he's the one that got away, he is unattainable to you, which is why you are wanting to know if he'll miss you. This guy bruised your ego, which is why you think you got played. In reality he wasn't into playing this ego stroking game.

Sorry if that was hard to swallow, but I think this could be a really good learning experience for you. A springboard to get your ind into the space where you can enter a loving and stable relationship. We all need a reality check from time to time, and this guy may have just given you that moment. Let him go, and think more about what you want in a relationship. Best of luck.

I don’t want to be showered in compliments but he never really gave me one? Which I found kinda weird. I think everyone is putting the blame on me in this saying I have a big ego. When in fact it’s the other way around. He would withhold telling me he genuine feelings about me because he said he didn’t want me to be big headed. I’m perfectly fine with this man not being into me anymore. The reason why I feel like I got played was because of the timing he literally ghosted me on valentines and posted flowers and a card on his story ? Then came back around after to send me that text. I can take accountability yes the things I did was childish and petty. Yet this isn’t just all my fault. 

[Lexismith]

1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

Your ego seems to be steering your ship. You are coming across like "I'm so beautiful, how could he NOT be into me?? He must have PLAYED me!" When it might have been that he simply got tired of the games.

Can you let this go? Are you able to accept that maybe a man just isn't into you anymore? And that you two are just not right for one another?

There are other men out there, you know. 

I never said that. I said he never gave me a compliment. Y’all are acting like it’s so foreign like most women would like to be complemented in a relationship. 

[Lexismith]

6 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

OP, can you not imagine that maybe he was into you at one point but had a change of heart? 

You are very black-and-white in your thinking and are clearly only here to validate your belief that he is a player.  
 

Maybe something you did turned him off. Showing him all your DMs from other men might have contributed to that. Arrogance and game-playing ain’t cute. 

Correction we were in the car and he showed me his DM’s and then he was like let me check yours and he seen the man that were messaging me. I didn’t just flat out say here’s my phone  Look at all the guys that  are messaging me plus he showed me pictures of the past  women he’s been with. 

[smackie9]

He fell out of liking you....the arguments, not getting along, incompatibility, differences of option, can be deal breakers. That's why we date and have relaitonships...to see how you get along, expectations being fulfilled, just finding what is a best fit. It just didn't work out....you both gave it a shot, he changed his mind how he felt about you. It happens. Can't let bitterness/butt hurt ego get the better of you because you got the $%^&&* end of the breakup stick. 

[Batya33]

How often did you compliment him and what did you compliment?

[itsallgrand]

Dating is for figuring out if you are a match. You didn't like his nonchalance and laid back way, and rather than leave you wanted to change him. The biggest lesson you can learn is to not be in something hoping or trying to change someone. What you see is what you get. The rest was just a consequence of that. No healthy dude is going to stick around on pins and needles while you wait for him to change.

[yogacat]

3 minutes ago, itsallgrand said:

Dating is for figuring out if you are a match. You didn't like his nonchalance and laid back way, and rather than leave you wanted to change him. The biggest lesson you can learn is to not be in something hoping or trying to change someone. What you see is what you get. The rest was just a consequence of that. No healthy dude is going to stick around on mind and needles while you wait for him to change.

I was going to just say the same thing.  You could even take it a step further: This guy was showing you so much character with the whole relationship-honesty-thing (not being superficial, letting you know this as three months in).  Unfortunately, you wanted a fantasy, and now you're crushed/going psycho on him.  So, you should probably move on and be true to yourself with the next guy or, even better, forget about dating for a while until you get your head out of your buttocks.

[Jaunty]

People, including you,  are allowed to decide they are no longer interested in dating someone after giving it a few weeks.   This doesn't mean that they were NEVER interested, or that anybody got "played."  It was just time to move on.

[Lexismith]

33 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

How often did you compliment him and what did you compliment?

A lot 

[Lexismith]

So everybody is on his side I was the problem got it !

[rainbowsandroses]

18 minutes ago, Lexismith said:

So everybody is on his side I was the problem got it !

No one is on HIS side per se, you both were being emotionally dishonest imo.  However, since you are the one who created the thread, what you're missing, which is something I posted earlier and others followed with same is this:

19 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Next time you encounter a man like this, do not argue with him about it.  There is no point arguing or disagreeing about it, he is who he is (adding, at least with you).  You cannot change a man's basic nature, as you have now discovered, three months in.  

Just leave!  Had you done that, all the drama and the hurt you're feeling now could have and would have been avoided.

Remember this quote:  "Choose wisely from the get go and avoid hurt, pain, frustration, disappointment later."

Words to live by.

THAT was the problem and your mistake.  Best to own it, learn from it, move on.

There is no shame in owning mistakes, or being embarrassed by them.  We all make them.  That is how we learn, grow and evolve.

 

 

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, Lexismith said:

So everybody is on his side I was the problem got it !

lol and this is exactly why you’re likely to encounter drama and friction in interpersonal relationships.  There are no sides. The problem is you two were not a good match. It’s a typical problem. And separately you’ve been given suggestions on how to interact in a more healthful way with men you are interested in. Totally up to you whether to take the suggestions or not. I had to become the right person to find the right person. Sometimes I was the problem.

I will tell you what wasn’t at all a problem. My looks. I wasn’t the glamour girl. I wasn’t beautiful. Not a head turner. It didn’t matter at all. I was cute and attractive enough  and slim. I was a good listener and ambitious and smart /well educated  financially independent from some point in my 20s. I was reasonably confident and had a good sense of humor. All this meant was that I matched with certain men and not with others. Not surprisingly one of the first questions my future husband asked me was why I chose the career we’d both chosen. Later he told me it was because he wanted a woman who was ambitious and passionate about her work. He didn’t lavish me with compliments- he’s not the lavishing type but absolutely complimented me about various things and Vice versa. But he also didn’t care what I looked like in particular. He was very attracted to me and that was enough. He wasn’t looking for arm candy or a woman who other men found physically attractive. He didn’t care. Which is good.
Had I tried to make him jealous or “reluctantly “ showed him what other men had written or said to me he’d have seen right through it. He’s not arm candy. He’s cute and he’s short like me. I have great admiration and respect for him and have in the decades I’ve known him. he didn’t brag about his huge career success or his smarts or when other women had wanted him. He’s reserved and humble. He’s not hot.  I’m not hot.

You will see there are many many couples who are well matched and not hot and not lusted after by others. But they match well. I mean what else is there ? Get over the I’m so beautiful thing. It’s really short lived in successful healthy long term relationships.

 my teenage son compliments my beauty regularly especially when he wants something. I’m 57. I have wrinkles and a c section scar and age spots. My hair is often a royal mess and I prefer loungewear when I’m not in my workout clothes at dawn.

I couldn’t care less if any other man would find me attractive much less want my husband to know which of my exes emailed me (yes some have). So if you can get over this mindset about the value of your physical features that likely would be a positive.