Was I played ??

[bluecastle]

5 minutes ago, Lexismith said:

So everybody is on his side I was the problem got it !

Here's the thing, and hopefully a lesson that can be gleaned from all this: 

It's not a competition. There are no sides. No winning, no losing, no "playing." That is for basketball courts, soccer fields, theater stages—or, perhaps a more familiar realm, social media like/follower counts. The story here, meanwhile, is simply one of two people—you and him—who took a stab at connecting and only got so far. 

From where I sit, for whatever it's worth? Your fixation on "sides" and "did I get played?" is perhaps a reflection of a mentality to reflect on a bit. Because it seemed you were kind of "playing" him in ways and part of what you're angry about right now is that you "lost." 

That IG post of yours? C'mon, that was a play (for attention, for compliments, for something...). The arguments? Also a play. The quasi-breakups and impulsive unfriending? More plays in search of the same points. Now, I'm not saying you were alone in this—he's got his own gamesmanship tendencies, and it's likely that that's the common ground in which you two created some early intrigue and hot sauce. 

Hot sauce, though, is not connection. It's just a sensation—and a fleeting one. You can try to maintain it (to stretch this metaphor) though more and more hot sauce. But there is a limit to that: it gets old, stops tasting good, no different than a plate of food drenched in literal hot sauce. 

Back to the point at hand: While I am not here "taking sides," I am here talking to you, not him. And you are the only person you can look within and, if need be, or if desired, change. He's just one a billion or so dudes on the planet, doing his thing. You liked part of that thing—maybe the part that was hot and distant?—and went to work on seeing if you could mold the parts that weren't there into what you wanted. Another play. 

Which, hey, all good. Live and learn. If what you truly need for happiness and harmony is a super effusive dude—well, cool. Now you know to gracefully bow out next time you get wind of "nonchalant" rather than going into the playbook to see about finding some blood in those sorts of stones. 

[rainbowsandroses]

11 minutes ago, bluecastle said:

That IG post of yours? C'mon, that was a play (for attention, for compliments, for something...). The arguments? Also a play. The quasi-breakups and impulsive unfriending? More plays in search of the same points. Now, I'm not saying you were alone in this—he's got his own gamesmanship tendencies, and it's likely that that's the common ground in which you two created some early intrigue and hot sauce. 

I DO agree with this^ however, imo the point @Lexismith is something else @bluecastle (and I and others posted).

11 minutes ago, bluecastle said:

Now you know to gracefully bow out next time you get wind of "nonchalant" rather than going into the playbook to see about finding some blood in those sorts of stones. 

When two people are on the same wavelength and compatible, the BS you pulled with your IG post would never even had happened.  You would have had NO need to play that game.  Which was to garner a reaction, YOU know it and HE knows it.

It's a massive waste of time, do you understand this?  At all?

Simply wish him well and WALK, especially given is was less than three months when this happened.

 

 

 

[Sindy_0311]

32 minutes ago, Lexismith said:

So everybody is on his side I was the problem got it !

It’s never black and white… you both were not compatible, that’s it… there is no use in trying to find out who was wrong. You both were “wrong” because at the end you don’t belong together. I think you should take advantage of this break up to reflect on your behavior and what you could have done different or better. Try to shape yourself to be ready to welcome the man that is truly best for you. 

[Wiseman2]

37 minutes ago, Lexismith said:

So everybody is on his side I was the problem got it !

Now that's he's not around to play games  and provoke arguments with you're doing it here? 

[Sindy_0311]

One advice that has been very helpful to me. When I have to overcome a deception, I give myself 3 days to talk about it, analyze and overthink, cry, shout etc. After 3 days, I don’t bring it up again (unless he reaches or something like that) Please consider stop mentioning this guy and remove him from your thoughts… it will help you move on… 

[Lexismith]

Just now, Wiseman2 said:

Now that's he's not around to play games  and provoke arguments with you're doing it here? 

No, not necessarily it just feels like everybody kind of is blaming me and pointing out my faults yet I feel like he had a lot of faults as well and I’ve listed them. I definitely do appreciate all you guys as responses because it has open my eyes and I know that I do have to do a lot of inner work.

[Sindy_0311]

1 minute ago, Lexismith said:

No, not necessarily it just feels like everybody kind of is blaming me and pointing out my faults yet I feel like he had a lot of faults as well and I’ve listed them. I definitely do appreciate all you guys as responses because it has open my eyes and I know that I do have to do a lot of inner work.

We are just trying to help you understand the situation better and avoid making the same mistake for when Mr right crosses your path… I hope it helps and that you recognize that strangers insights are often more valuable than your friends ones who try to preserve you, in most cases… 

[Lexismith]

27 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

lol and this is exactly why you’re likely to encounter drama and friction in interpersonal relationships.  There are no sides. The problem is you two were not a good match. It’s a typical problem. And separately you’ve been given suggestions on how to interact in a more healthful way with men you are interested in. Totally up to you whether to take the suggestions or not. I had to become the right person to find the right person. Sometimes I was the problem.

I will tell you what wasn’t at all a problem. My looks. I wasn’t the glamour girl. I wasn’t beautiful. Not a head turner. It didn’t matter at all. I was cute and attractive enough  and slim. I was a good listener and ambitious and smart /well educated  financially independent from some point in my 20s. I was reasonably confident and had a good sense of humor. All this meant was that I matched with certain men and not with others. Not surprisingly one of the first questions my future husband asked me was why I chose the career we’d both chosen. Later he told me it was because he wanted a woman who was ambitious and passionate about her work. He didn’t lavish me with compliments- he’s not the lavishing type but absolutely complimented me about various things and Vice versa. But he also didn’t care what I looked like in particular. He was very attracted to me and that was enough. He wasn’t looking for arm candy or a woman who other men found physically attractive. He didn’t care. Which is good.
Had I tried to make him jealous or “reluctantly “ showed him what other men had written or said to me he’d have seen right through it. He’s not arm candy. He’s cute and he’s short like me. I have great admiration and respect for him and have in the decades I’ve known him. he didn’t brag about his huge career success or his smarts or when other women had wanted him. He’s reserved and humble. He’s not hot.  I’m not hot.

You will see there are many many couples who are well matched and not hot and not lusted after by others. But they match well. I mean what else is there ? Get over the I’m so beautiful thing. It’s really short lived in successful healthy long term relationships.

 my teenage son compliments my beauty regularly especially when he wants something. I’m 57. I have wrinkles and a c section scar and age spots. My hair is often a royal mess and I prefer loungewear when I’m not in my workout clothes at dawn.

I couldn’t care less if any other man would find me attractive much less want my husband to know which of my exes emailed me (yes some have). So if you can get over this mindset about the value of your physical features that likely would be a positive. 

I definitely understand that, but what may work for you may not work for me though maybe you’re the type of person or the type of woman that will be in a relationship with a man that never compliments/congratulates you and your content with that. Yeah I do think every woman wants to feel wanted and reassured and at least told sometimes that she’s beautiful or that she looks good. We can even go past physical. Maybe it’s an accomplishment that she recently accomplished and you didn’t get congratulated by your partner. there would be times where I would tell him like Hey, I got a good interview or I’m about to graduate from college soon and he wouldn’t say anything. So there’s definitely more to this than physical appearance. 

[Lexismith]

2 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

We are just trying to help you understand the situation better and avoid making the same mistake for when Mr right crosses your path… I hope it helps and that you recognize that strangers insights are often more valuable than your friends ones who try to preserve you, in most cases… 

I get it and that’s kind of why I came here and I definitely appreciate all you guys as responses

[Batya33]

It’s not about sides or faults. We all have room for improvement. It’s not a comparison game. In my world I’d have been disgusted by your IG post unless you told me in advance and told me it was totally a joke unrelated to him. Especially since you 2 weren’t dating that long. That’s a poor choice you made. Not a fault. 
I love Sindy suggestion about time limits. Especially for such a short and drama filled interaction you had with this person. 

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, Lexismith said:

I definitely understand that, but what may work for you may not work for me though maybe you’re the type of person or the type of woman that will be in a relationship with a man that never compliments/congratulates you and your content with that. Yeah I do think every woman wants to feel wanted and reassured and at least told sometimes that she’s beautiful or that she looks good. We can even go past physical. Maybe it’s an accomplishment that she recently accomplished and you didn’t get congratulated by your partner. there would be times where I would tell him like Hey, I got a good interview or I’m about to graduate from college soon and he wouldn’t say anything. So there’s definitely more to this than physical appearance. 

I never wrote anything you suggested I did. You’re cherry picking. It’s a cop out. So much easier to be all defensive and pouty. And then post cryptic messages on IG then oops I was JOKING!  
 

Then do the work or at least consider suggestion. Like duh everyone is different. Doesn’t make input less valuable. I’m not a type of woman. I’m an individual like you. 
Figure out your musts. Figure out what you have to offer. Figure out if you can work on stuff and offer even more substantive stuff. 
 

[Sindy_0311]

2 minutes ago, Lexismith said:

, I got a good interview or I’m about to graduate from college soon and he wouldn’t say anything. So there’s definitely more to this than physical appearance. 

I agree that a man should at some point let you know he admires you for your achievements or your personality… I don’t believe in physically based compliments, but when he is not able to acknowledge your values, your goals or anything that goes beyond physical, to me it’s not sustainable… 

[Batya33]

5 minutes ago, Lexismith said:

I definitely understand that, but what may work for you may not work for me though maybe you’re the type of person or the type of woman that will be in a relationship with a man that never compliments/congratulates you and your content with that. Yeah I do think every woman wants to feel wanted and reassured and at least told sometimes that she’s beautiful or that she looks good. We can even go past physical. Maybe it’s an accomplishment that she recently accomplished and you didn’t get congratulated by your partner. there would be times where I would tell him like Hey, I got a good interview or I’m about to graduate from college soon and he wouldn’t say anything. So there’s definitely more to this than physical appearance. 

 

Just now, Sindy_0311 said:

I agree that a man should at some point let you know he admires you for your achievements or your personality… I don’t believe in physically based compliments, but when he is not able to acknowledge your values, your goals or anything that goes beyond physical, to me it’s not sustainable… 

I think people who care about other people should be a cheerleader at times and compliment and lift them up. Obviously. 

[boltnrun]

You realize he's not the type to give compliments. So instead of passive-aggressive Instagram posts or believing you were "played" or trying to rally support in saying he was "wrong", how about just putting him in your figurative "out box"? You say you get lots of attention from men, so go out with one of them instead. 

Tell your ego to take a hike. There are more pleasant ways to spend your time.

[rainbowsandroses]

22 minutes ago, Lexismith said:

I definitely understand that, but what may work for you may not work for me though maybe you’re the type of person or the type of woman that will be in a relationship with a man that never compliments/congratulates you and your content with that. Yeah I do think every woman wants to feel wanted and reassured and at least told sometimes that she’s beautiful or that she looks good. We can even go past physical. Maybe it’s an accomplishment that she recently accomplished and you didn’t get congratulated by your partner. there would be times where I would tell him like Hey, I got a good interview or I’m about to graduate from college soon and he wouldn’t say anything. So there’s definitely more to this than physical appearance. 

I do agree with this^ and yes we are all different and as such need and respond to different things and stimuli.  Some women need compliments, lots of attention, etc. others don't.  There IS no wrong or right IMO.

One thing I don't think you're getting though is that blaming HIM for not being who YOU needed him to be is the wrong approach.  

Again, when you encounter a man who doesn't give you what YOU need for him to give you, in this case complimenting you from time to time, acknowledging your accomplishments, building you UP instead of attempting to knock you down, it's not HIS fault for being this way, if anyone is to blame, it's you for choosing to stay and remain with a man who clearly, CLEARLY doesn't give you what you need and want!

I see so many threads where women are ripping their ex's to shreds calling him every derogatory name under the sun and I just shake my head because okay sure maybe he was all those things, but what the heck, why did you stay?

That is on them and this case you.

I am sorry if this sounds harsh but you're focusing on the wrong thing imo.  Take ownership of your choice to remain in a "situationship" with a man who wasn't and isn't who you needed/need him to be and stop trashing him.

Again he is who he is.  Either accept what he has in him to give which in this case wasn't much, or walk.

It really IS that simple.

 

[Wiseman2]

25 minutes ago, Lexismith said:

 it has open my eyes and I know that I do have to do a lot of inner work.

There's really no right or wrong. Just a power struggle. Maybe it's as simple as taking off the boxing gloves and being fair kind and sincere with people rather than defensive.

[Lexismith]

14 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I do agree with this^ and yes we are all different and as such need and respond to different things and stimuli.  Some women need compliments, lots of attention, etc. others don't.  There IS no wrong or right IMO.

One thing I don't think you're getting though is that blaming HIM for not being who YOU needed him to be is the wrong approach.  

Again, when you encounter a man who doesn't give you what YOU need for him to give you, in this case complimenting you from time to time, acknowledging your accomplishments, building you UP instead of attempting to knock you down, it's not HIS fault for being this way, if anyone is to blame, it's you for choosing to stay and remain with a man who clearly, CLEARLY doesn't give you what you need and want!

I see so many threads where women are ripping their ex's to shreds calling him every derogatory name under the sun and I just shake my head because okay sure maybe he was all those things, but what the heck, why did you stay?

That is on them and this case you.

I am sorry if this sounds harsh but you're focusing on the wrong thing imo.  Take ownership of your choice to remain in a "situationship" with a man who wasn't and isn't who you needed/need him to be and stop trashing him.

Again he is who he is.  Either accept what he has in him to give which in this case wasn't much, or walk.

It really IS that simple.

 

I totally agree. I don’t think I was bashing him. He’s a great person. I really good person so I would never come on here and bashing just certain things he did made me feel bad that’s all.

[Lexismith]

1 minute ago, Lexismith said:

Do you think he’ll ever come back or he’s completely done. I know we’re not compatible but I’m just wondering?

[Batya33]

9 minutes ago, Lexismith said:

12 minutes ago, Lexismith said:

Do you think he’ll ever come back or he’s completely done. I know we’re not compatible but I’m just wondering?

Yes he will. Because he’ll realize that even though you’re completely wrong for each other he cannot do better than you. He will then shape up for you and be the person you need. He will compliment you enough. He will understand when you’re frustrated he may see a snarky social media post instead of you being direct with him. Or - how bout this. He will come back with flowers and pleading and begging. This will reassure you and validate you. You will say “told ya so!!! You can’t do better than me! And - nahhhh I’m done. I’m sorry you regret your awful choice - I was wondering how in the world you could walk away from me and I see now you can’t. I wish you well. You’re a good person. We’re not right together “.  
So where does the “just wondering “ advance the ball of your life ? Will you want to tell the next suitor how your ex begged and pleaded to get you back ??

[Lexismith]

5 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Yes he will. Because he’ll realize that even though you’re completely wrong for each other he cannot do better than you. He will then shape up for you and be the person you need. He will compliment you enough. He will understand when you’re frustrated he may see a snarky social media post instead of you being direct with him. Or - how bout this. He will come back with flowers and pleading and begging. This will reassure you and validate you. You will say “told ya so!!! You can’t do better than me! And - nahhhh I’m done. I’m sorry you regret your awful choice - I was wondering how in the world you could walk away from me and I see now you can’t. I wish you well. You’re a good person. We’re not right together “.  
So where does the “just wondering “ advance the ball of your life ? Will you want to tell the next suitor how your ex begged and pleaded to get you back ??

Im not even going to argue with you. I was just asking a genuine normal question. If it was going to be a  sarcastic response you could’ve just saved it. Stay blessed though.

[Batya33]

Oh you know my hot nonchalant ex came back. We were in our 20s and I’d played similar games to get his attention. He came back. All regretful and talking marriage. He then dumped me again the next day. Then wanted me back couple months later. So we got back together for almost a year but I realized finally I shouldn’t marry him. We were too different. But he was so hot and really great sex. 15 years later we each married other people the same year. We both married men. Turns out his nonchalance was him in denial about being gay. But this is an extreme example of not the right match. However it shows you that too nonchalant /too distant when the other person wants closeness and attention (honestly not everyone does - some couples like lots of emotional space and just like the company and sex when in the mood) is just a bad match.
We tried to fit with each other beyond hot sex - we had fun and we cared for each other but obviously a bad match. He’d have married me just so he could live traditionally and have his male partners on the side. Thank goodness that didn’t happen. Be thankful you ended things early . 

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, Lexismith said:

Im not even going to argue with you. I was just asking a genuine normal question. If it was going to be a  sarcastic response you could’ve just saved it. Stay blessed though.

I’m not arguing. I’m responding to your repeated need for ego soothing. I’m not being sarcastic either. Honestly where would it get you if he begged for you back ?? What is the root of your “Just wondering??” The repetition is not typical for a person in your situation. 

[Lexismith]

Just now, Batya33 said:

I’m not arguing. I’m responding to your repeated need for ego soothing. I’m not being sarcastic either. Honestly where would it get you if he begged for you back ?? What is the root of your “Just wondering??”

I do miss him a lot. all jokes aside we were awesome friends, Just not just good together. I do miss his friendship. 

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, Lexismith said:

I do miss him a lot. all jokes aside we were awesome friends, Just not just good together. I do miss his friendship. 

Yes. I understand. Totally. But then why wonder whether he’ll come back as in want to get back together ? Do you want to hear all about his dating life - that is what friends discuss you know. 

[Lexismith]

8 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Yes. I understand. Totally. But then why wonder whether he’ll come back as in want to get back together ? Do you want to hear all about his dating life - that is what friends discuss you know. 

No, I don’t want to actually be friends with him or get back with him at all. I don’t know maybe it is my ego I guess I’m more so mad at myself than anything.