Should I be worried about my boyfriends comments about our friend?

[JosieC]

Last year in April I made a post about my boyfriend and our mutual friend's relationship ("Is My Anxiety Making Me Overthink?"). Since then we have talked about what happened and how I felt about the situation. He apologized and said he felt bad for making me feel that way. He explained that he viewed her as a sibling in need of help (since he is the oldest sibling to his brother) and took pity on her. He said he did not view their relationship as odd in any way and that the hugging and that type of affection is normal in his family. 

After the conversation, he asked if I cared if he told the friend about this and I said I didn't care either way but I had no plans of telling her myself. One night she ended up staying at his place for a while to talk and catch up, and he told her about the conversation we had. That night I got a text from her asking to talk the next day. We talked for a short while and she apologized for what happened that semester and admitted to their relationship being weird. She said she had no intention of doing anything with him and was l just leaning on him a lot due to being overwhelmed with college life (this was our freshman year). She apologized again and said she hoped that our relationship would not change because of this. I accepted the apology and that was the end of the conversation.

Since then we have been communicating much better and more frequently, however, I'm still on the fence about my boyfriend's true feelings. He has a habit of mentioning her during intimate moments. For example, last night after we had sex he started laughing and said that he wondered if she ever did what I did in the bedroom since we're twins (we have a joke between her and me that we are twins since we have a lot in common and share some of the same experiences). This is not the first time he has done this, he's made comments about her while we were showering together and more. Each time I just laugh it off/respond jokingly and change the topic quickly. The comments are never anything necessarily weird, they just catch me off guard and make me wonder why he would mention or think about her at times like these.

I don't want to cause problems or make problems where there aren't any by bringing it up again. Am I being insecure or sensitive? When we're all hanging out he doesn't give off the vibes of wanting to be with her and he said it himself that he never wanted her that way. He never said that he viewed their relationship as weird or anything, so maybe he sees this as normal. I genuinely don't know how to feel about it and I don't want to come off as possessive or overly insecure.

 

 

[Wiseman2]

9 minutes ago, JosieC said:

. He has a habit of mentioning her during intimate moments. For example, last night after we had sex he started laughing and said that he wondered if she ever did what I did in the bedroom 

Please trust your instincts. Your BF is the problem. He seems a bit immature or clueless if he keeps mentioning her during your more intimate moments. It's disrespectful to you at best.

All you can do is observe and decide if you need these headaches from these two since it appears he has the hots for her. 

[NighttimeNightmare]

25 minutes ago, JosieC said:

He has a habit of mentioning her during intimate moments. For example, last night after we had sex he started laughing and said that he wondered if she ever did what I did in the bedroom since we're twins

Hard pass. You both can try to explain this away as innocent but there’s something going on there, at least in his mind’s fantasies 

and unfortunately you can’t beg someone to be exclusive to you - verbally, physically, or emotionally.  Sounds like you’ve gotten the verbal lip service from him, but emotionally his thoughts are elsewhere 

[indea08]

The fact that she is on his mind during intimate times is concerning. I suppose if he has feelings or attraction to her, he can’t really help that. But anyone with any common sense would know to keep those comments to themselves, especially since you’ve already voiced concern over this girl. I am not sure if your boyfriend is the type who thrives on drama, or he’s really just that clueless about your feelings that he thought it was fine to say something like this:

“For example, last night after we had sex he started laughing and said that he wondered if she ever did what I did in the bedroom since we're twins.”

That’s not funny at all, and very insensitive. I would not have let this roll off my back, it would’ve been a huge problem. It’s such a stupid thing to say that I almost think he’s intentionally trying to get a rise out of you. 

You say you made a post about him and this girl in April of last year. It’s been 9 months and you still have insecurities about this other girl. You’ve given your boyfriend more than enough time to show you whether or not he’s the man you want to build a life with. To me, it does not sound like he will do a great job of taking care of your heart.

 

[Lambert]

I would not like this at all and dump him. 

its such a turn off to have keep explaining something that is so incredibly obvious. 

He is either clueless in the emotionalintelligence category. I would hate that

or he's an immature little boy that enjoys making you feel insecure to make himself feel secure. I works also hate that. 

I dated someone with a similar situation with his female friend. I cringe every time I think of me putting up with him.  ew.

 

[Batya33]

I have always had male platonic friends and most of the men I dated had female platonic friends. My husband and I both have opposite sex platonic friends. And your boyfriend’s behavior is tacky and gross.

he’s into her. And he’s making it known to you in thoughtless and tacky ways. I go out of my way for example that when my husband and I discuss future travel or vacations if I’ve been to the place with an ex I do not ever mention the ex. Even though he probably knows. I don’t reference any part of the vacation that involved anything to do with the ex. He does same. He knows I know he went to a certain beach resort one time. With the ex from right before me.

And we’ve discussed it as an option to visit. He never mentions her in reference. I mean realistically we both probably have in our heads “oh that’s where Ex and I went “ but we love and respect each other.

Therefore we don’t risk being thoughtless. We don’t just blurt stuff out. Especially in intimate moments.
 

He does this either because he simply regards you as not deserving of that level of respect or he’s so clueless it’s a wonder he has any close friends or holds down a job if he’s such a loose cannon.  He knows how sensitive you are. And he doesn’t care. I mean you can give him one more chance I guess but I’d move on. 

[reinventmyself]

2 hours ago, JosieC said:

she apologized for what happened that semester and admitted to their relationship being weird.

He never said that he viewed their relationship as weird. 

 

 

Going solely on what you've shared, you should pay close attention to your intuition on this one.  They both have admitted whatever it was, wasn't right and both felt the need to apologize to you. 

Personally, my friends don't interact with my bf in a way they feel the need to apologize for.  Or vice versa

In hindsight, there was more once in different relationships when a women's name came up more than once that I had some sort of visceral reaction to that I ultimately dismissed.  Only to find out they ended up dating them after we broke up.  I now place close attention to those moments.  I don't act on it or let it make me spin.  But I see it as something I need to place close attention to and not dismiss.

Him mentioning her name in intimate moments is enough to cause me to bow out.

 

[catfeeder]

No, you’re not the one being insensitive, he is. If the original issue didn’t teach him to respect your feelings enough to avoid raising her during intimate moments, then he’s dense and, unfortunately, selfish.

In your shoes, I’d make this less about him and more about how I want to live. If this has given you a dismal feeling that you can’t shake, then decide whether he’s worth that price. You don’t owe him or anyone else a reason if you want out. Simply saying that this isn’t working out for you, and you’d prefer to part while you both still think highly of one another is all you need to say. He can’t exactly undo what he’s already done, and promising to keep his mouth shut doesn’t resolve his internal disrespect.

If you opt to keep him as your BF anyway, regardless of this situation, then your eyes are wide open about his degree of devotion and respect. That choice is your own to make, and since nobody else is living your love life for you, nobody else gets a vote.

Head high.

[Kwothe28]

Even she thinks its weird so its not just you. 

Also, as a man, yes, it is a weird one. Its not normal to mention the other person during sex. It means that he is thinking about her during yours intimate moments. It is hella weird. Next time you mention that you think about his friend and whether he has a bigger wiener. See if he would mind that lol.

I mean he is literally wondering how is she during sex. Its really weird to see your friends in that way and you dont imagine them when you have sex unless you have a thing for them.

[SherrySher]

4 hours ago, JosieC said:

Last year in April I made a post about my boyfriend and our mutual friend's relationship ("Is My Anxiety Making Me Overthink?"). Since then we have talked about what happened and how I felt about the situation. He apologized and said he felt bad for making me feel that way. He explained that he viewed her as a sibling in need of help (since he is the oldest sibling to his brother) and took pity on her. He said he did not view their relationship as odd in any way and that the hugging and that type of affection is normal in his family. 

After the conversation, he asked if I cared if he told the friend about this and I said I didn't care either way but I had no plans of telling her myself. One night she ended up staying at his place for a while to talk and catch up, and he told her about the conversation we had. That night I got a text from her asking to talk the next day. We talked for a short while and she apologized for what happened that semester and admitted to their relationship being weird. She said she had no intention of doing anything with him and was l just leaning on him a lot due to being overwhelmed with college life (this was our freshman year). She apologized again and said she hoped that our relationship would not change because of this. I accepted the apology and that was the end of the conversation.

Since then we have been communicating much better and more frequently, however, I'm still on the fence about my boyfriend's true feelings. He has a habit of mentioning her during intimate moments. For example, last night after we had sex he started laughing and said that he wondered if she ever did what I did in the bedroom since we're twins (we have a joke between her and me that we are twins since we have a lot in common and share some of the same experiences). This is not the first time he has done this, he's made comments about her while we were showering together and more. Each time I just laugh it off/respond jokingly and change the topic quickly. The comments are never anything necessarily weird, they just catch me off guard and make me wonder why he would mention or think about her at times like these.

I don't want to cause problems or make problems where there aren't any by bringing it up again. Am I being insecure or sensitive? When we're all hanging out he doesn't give off the vibes of wanting to be with her and he said it himself that he never wanted her that way. He never said that he viewed their relationship as weird or anything, so maybe he sees this as normal. I genuinely don't know how to feel about it and I don't want to come off as possessive or overly insecure.

 

 

He is interested and yes, he is viewing her in a sexual manner.

I was in nearly the exact same situation. 

My then bf kept telling me the same malarkey.

Long story short, he and I broke up, (due to other reasons), but within a month he was sleeping with this woman he said was only a "friend, and a sister".

I think each of us has gut instincts about it all, we just keep trying to fool ourselves or question our own worries.

But truth be told, you made this post because you know something is not right.

They are both telling you what you want to hear, but I would bet 100% that given the chance, they will sleep together.

[rainbowsandroses]

15 minutes ago, SherrySher said:

I think each of us has gut instincts about it all, we just keep trying to fool ourselves or question our own worries.

Totally agree.

I think we’d all be better off following our intuition/gut feeling.

But I think what happens is that sometimes we are afraid to, because if we did, we’re faced with the fact that things are not working, his/her affections lie elsewhere which would undoubtedly mean we need to walk away.

And we’re not emotionally ready to do that so we live in denial, writing our own story that has very little to do with reality, to justify remaining in the relationship.

I have done this, and I liken it to living in Never-Never Land.

Since then I have learned (which is still a work in progress if I’m honest), to face the reality of any given situation, see what’s right in front of me versus the story I am telling myself, and end things.

You do not need his/her permission.  “It’s been fun getting to know you, but this isn’t the right situation for me, I wish you the best.”

I wouldn't even get into the other girl. Your "friend"?   It's irrelevant imo.  The fact is, he is not the right person for you, nor you for him.

JMO and good luck @JosieC whatever you decide!

[smackie9]

Hoooold up! he says that type of stuff during your intimate moments? Oh hell ya you cause trouble. He's being a dope head. Girl, you shouldn't have to teach a man how to treat you/ love you. You need to let him go to save your dignity. 

[Wonderstruck]

4 hours ago, Lambert said:

It's such a turn off to have to keep explaining something that is so incredibly obvious.

This.

You shouldn't have to explain basic decency, loyalty, and respect to him like a CHILD.

 

4 hours ago, Lambert said:

Or he's an immature little boy that enjoys making you feel insecure to make himself feel secure.

I suspect that THIS is the reason behind his behaviour.

@JosieC, please break up with this guy as soon as possible, and find a guy who would never dream of acting in such a creepy, immature, and disrespectful way.

[Cherylyn]

Your boyfriend is weird. 🙄 ☹️ He does not think nor speak honorably to you which is very alarming and a red flag.

Don't gaslight yourself into thinking you're insecure or insensitive.  You are thinking logically.  Your boyfriend is odd and strange which should be a warning to you so beware.  🤔

His "friendship" with this mutual friend of yours is uncomfortable for you as it would for many people. 

I think it's great whenever a couple is in agreement with very close friends of the opposite gender.  However,  if it bothers you,  then it is disrespectful to you and the relationship you have with him.  Two's company,  three's a crowd.  This picture feels too crowded because it is. 

Not every couple will tolerate chumminess with the opposite gender or the same gender in addition to the relationship they're in.  Some people are fine with it whereas other people say this arrangement will not endure. 

[Jaunty]

9 hours ago, JosieC said:

 He explained that he viewed her as a sibling in need of help

Oh, really?  He must have a pretty funky idea of sibling relationships:

Quote

For example, last night after we had sex he started laughing and said that he wondered if she ever did what I did in the bedroom 

You're doing yourself wrong by being concerned about "coming off as possessive or insecure."   

How you "come off" is not even in question here.  It's his behavior.  Is it OK with you or isn't it?   From your posts, I take it that the answer is:  NOT OKAY.  Most of us here would feel the same way, judging by the responses you've received.  Sure would not be cool with me.

[MissCanuck]

15 hours ago, JosieC said:

Each time I just laugh it off/respond jokingly and change the topic quickly

Stop this. Be real with your feelings and stop pretending it doesn't bother you. His comments are highly inappropriate, and the one causing problems is him. Not you. 

15 hours ago, JosieC said:

I don't want to come off as possessive or overly insecure.

You're coming across as having no backbone and no boundaries. Nobody would be okay with their boyfriend behaving this way. Why are you so afraid of standing up for yourself?

My advice: Dump this guy. He has a huge crush on this friend and your relationship isn't healthy. He wants her and has little respect for you. 

[boltnrun]

Is your goal to hang on to him no matter what you have to put up with?

News flash: if he's talking about another woman that way he's already gone. I would bet if she agreed to be with him he'd go running. 

You don't have to accept someone who is so blatantly interested in someone else. 

[Wiseman2]

19 hours ago, JosieC said:

 This is not the first time he has done this, he's made comments about her while we were showering together and more. Each time I just laugh it off/respond jokingly and change the topic quickly. 

Please don't overcompensate for him. Be true to yourself and your feelings. There's no point being the "cool GF", when in fact you're noticing some red flags. 

[JosieC]

Update: I did confront him on the situation and he told me that he genuinely did not know why he said that and he regretted it once he said it. He agreed that it was a weird comment to make. I asked him why and he said he cannot give a solid answer as to why he kind of just blurted it out in the moment. I wanted to get to the root cause as to why but he seemed to honestly not understand it or have any weird motives behind saying it. 

Later in the conversation, he did admit to having slight feelings for her before we started dating, but he said he backed off and became uninterested when she mentioned her boyfriend. I repeatedly asked him if he had any leftover feelings after we started dating whether it be when we first started and/or now. He stated that he was 100% sure that he had no romantic feelings towards her.

He said he associated her with these sexual aspects because she is a very open person about her sexuality to a very surprising and alarming degree(with everyone). And he also used to ask her for advice (romantically and sexually) since it was both of our first relationship and he was confused and overwhelmed with new feelings and didn’t know what to do.

We are still together but I’m wondering if those comments that he made are the result of being interested in her, but not being able to fully admit the truth to himself. I didn’t want to repeatedly ask that question to him because I felt I would just get the same response. Instead I wanted him to think about it deeply with himself, but I don’t know if I made the right decision.

[Wiseman2]

8 minutes ago, JosieC said:

, he did admit to having slight feelings for her before we started dating, but he said he backed off and became uninterested when she mentioned her boyfriend. We are still together but I’m wondering if those comments that he made are the result of being interested in her, but not being able to fully admit the truth to himself. 

Trust your instincts. He basically admitted he has the hots for her and the only reason he isn't with her is because she has a BF. He shouldn't be confiding in her about your relationship or sex life.  

[boltnrun]

Think about how you want your relationship to be. Do you want to spend it worrying and wondering and second guessing? Do you want to feel fear or anxiety anytime he's out with friends and she's there? Do you want to get to the point where you're tempted to look through his phone? 

I get it, you love him. But we can't love someone into loving us. 

[Batya33]

So. Let’s assume he has no feelings for her. But. He notices to a significant degree how she flaunts her private parts. And why in the world does she choose to act this way in front of your boyfriend ? To the extent he sees her as a sex object so much that he blurts out sexual references to her when he’s being sexual with you. And why does he not ask her to please tone it down or walk away etc. why does he not have appropriate boundaries? 
I don’t buy that she’s sexually open. A person who is sexually open stil knows when to rein it in. Does she act that way if she works in an office ? In front of young children? She can help it. I think she likes the reaction she gets from your boyfriend. And maybe her boyfriend gets turned on from other men wanting her sexually. It’s all quite strange.  I would exit this sort of situation. 

[JosieC]

1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

I don’t buy that she’s sexually open. A person who is sexually open stil knows when to rein it in. Does she act that way if she works in an office ? In front of young children? She can help it. I think she likes the reaction she gets from your boyfriend. And maybe her boyfriend gets turned on from other men wanting her sexually. It’s all quite strange.  I would exit this sort of situation. 

She doesn't act this way in work environments just with friends. She doesn't dress sexually, she's mostly just really blunt and very open if you ask questions. She does make out-of-pocket comments and jokes to friends sometimes. My boyfriend says he is also taken aback by what she says both from the randomness of it and the context. 

[Batya33]

8 minutes ago, JosieC said:

She doesn't act this way in work environments just with friends. She doesn't dress sexually, she's mostly just really blunt and very open if you ask questions. She does make out-of-pocket comments and jokes to friends sometimes. My boyfriend says he is also taken aback by what she says both from the randomness of it and the context. 

Why is it random if she’s answering a question? So yes. She chooses how to behave. Hmmm. Wonder why she chooses to make sexual comments in front of your boyfriend especially in this situation 

[Jaunty]

2 hours ago, JosieC said:

 I asked him why and he said he cannot give a solid answer as to why he kind of just blurted it out in the moment. I wanted to get to the root cause as to why but he seemed to honestly not understand it or have any weird motives behind saying it. 

Seriously?  I don't understand what you are looking for.   

There are no mysterious hidden meanings to his creepy comments.   No "motives," no "why."   Blurting out what was on his mind is about right:  he was wondering about whether she did what the two of you did while having sex, and he felt comfortable musing about that with you.

Edited to add:  

Ugh.  I just looked at your posting history.

This relationship is not good for you and you seem to be turning yourself inside out trying to be the "cool girlfriend" who is not needy or codependent or jealous.

But in reality, this guy has shown you a significant lack of respect and has not prioritized you during the course of your relationship.

The issues you've had with his behavior during your time as a couple are valid.   

Please take these things seriously.