Stripper trying to make "nerd" friends

[Dancer Candy]

So this is probably a unique situation.  Sorry if this is a long one, just bear with me ok lol

In high school, I was like this social butterfly.  Knew a lot of different people, made friends easy.  I'm a little older now (just turned 30) and I randomly met this guy I knew from high school.  He was part of the "nerd" crowd.  I put "nerd" in quotes, because I never thought they were weird or anything.  Anyways Seth - nice guy!  Real smart and sweet.  He was telling me about how he gets together with his friends every week to play DnD.  I thought that sounded really cool and said so.  He actually invited me to come play with them.  I said yes - he made it sound really fun, so I thought why not

About me - I'm a stripper in a nightclub.  Actually recently, I'm not only a stripper, but sometimes, I also do something else that I'd rather not say here, but I'm sure you can probably guess, right?  No need to go into that much

Playing DnD with Seth's group - I love it.  Like, I'm having a blast!  Normally during the week, I'm Candy, the ***ty *** with the plastic boobs, but on Tuesday nights, I get to be Brienne, Paladin of Lathander, who gets to smite all her foes, and stand up for truth and justice and all that stuff!  It's just really fun and kind of nice to escape to.  Long ago, I liked writing and acting in plays and stuff, and this kinda reminds me of that.

I'm not real good with all the rules yet, and I pretty much suck at the math stuff, but I'm trying

My problem is I want to make friends with everyone, but I don't think they know what to do with me yet.  I definitely look like what I am.  Fake boobs, collagin lips, pink colored hair.  I try to dress modest because I want to fit in better, but it's still really weird.  There's a girl in the group, Becca.  I think she basically hates me, which is sad because I really think she's cool.  I guess she's jealous or something, but come on.  Like, sure she's not the skinniest girl ever, but she's really cute, super smart and her job is awesome.  She's jealous of me, and I basically want to be HER!

This is like...the most wholesome part of my week.  I just want these people to like me and not be all weird around me.  I want nice friends that aren't part of my work world, if that makes sense?  Any advice?

[Wiseman2]

While your profession is your business, what do you tell people if they ask? Is that a source of discomfort? 

In addition to this DnD group, consider joining some groups and clubs, volunteering, getting involved in sports and fitness, taking some classes and courses and broadening your social horizons. 

You could have fun learning new things and making new friends. It may be a counterbalance to your work. 

[Dancer Candy]

I usually tell people that I dance at a nightclub.  Or sometimes I just say I "work" at a nightclub.   Typically I don't go into details - makes people uncomfortable.  Me too, sometimes!

[dias]

8 minutes ago, Dancer Candy said:

  Typically I don't go into details - makes people uncomfortable.  Me too, sometimes!

Don't worry, we are one big happy family here on ENA, feel free to share 🍻

[Kwothe28]

Where is our ENA stripper expert when we need her? 😆

Anyway, I dont think its surprising that the bunch of nerds dont know what to do with a hot girl. Or that the other girl is jealous for you taking her attention. And I dont think its fixable "per se". People dont like the discruption of an order of things. "New" usually scares them, not makes them embrace it with an open hand. Perhaps in time they get used to you. So socializing would be better. But for now, it is what it is. Feel free to have fun with D&D if you like it. 

What version do you play? Is it a new edition ones?

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Dancer Candy said:

I usually tell people that I dance at a nightclub.  Or sometimes I just say I "work" at a nightclub.   Typically I don't go into details - makes people uncomfortable.  Me too, sometimes!

That's fine. People can be immature and make unnecessary assumptions.  Keep things vague, if it's more comfortable. Just enjoy your new hobbies and friends. 

[boltnrun]

32 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

That's fine. People can be immature and make unnecessary assumptions.  Keep things vague, if it's more comfortable. Just enjoy your new hobbies and friends. 

Except she herself said she does "extra work" on the side. So it's not an "assumption".

2 hours ago, Dancer Candy said:

Actually recently, I'm not only a stripper, but sometimes, I also do something else that I'd rather not say here, but I'm sure you can probably guess, right?  No need to go into that much

However...that doesn't mean you can't make new friends. It also doesn't mean you need to give them details of how you make money. What you've been telling them is fine. 

[Cherylyn]

Realistically and unfortunately,  we live in a judgemental world.  Most people are guilty of it but would never admit it.  There are different judgements whether it's occupation or lack thereof,  education or lack thereof,  demographics,  income,  religious or not,  physical appearance,  how one speaks,  writes,  political views,  race,  etc.  It's unfair but it is the way of the world.  Personally,  if a person possesses high quality character and I can rely on them unequivocally,  I tend to focus on how a person treats or mistreats me. 

As for you,  you can't change how people think or what they perceive in you.  All you can do is be your best self,  be kind and let that part of you shine during social settings.  They'll either accept or reject you.  Concentrate on surrounding yourself with people who treat you with kindness.  Everyone else in this world truly does not matter. 

I agree with others.  You do not need to give every minutiae regarding what you do for a living. 

[mylolita]

1 hour ago, Kwothe28 said:

Where is our ENA stripper expert when we need her? 😆

Anyway, I dont think its surprising that the bunch of nerds dont know what to do with a hot girl. Or that the other girl is jealous for you taking her attention. And I dont think its fixable "per se". People dont like the discruption of an order of things. "New" usually scares them, not makes them embrace it with an open hand. Perhaps in time they get used to you. So socializing would be better. But for now, it is what it is. Feel free to have fun with D&D if you like it. 

What version do you play? Is it a new edition ones?

Kwothe! 
 

Hold up, hang on dears! Are we, ahem, eluding to, mwahh?! 
 

I’ve just seen this! It’s getting old maybe that I would chime in 🥲

 

x

[mylolita]

Evening Candy! 
 

Oh boy! I’m 33, a similar age to yourself! I was a stripper and lap dancer between the age of 18 to 21, so not a long time, but I think I may relate to maybe being, yes, a stripper, but also much more than that, and maybe feeling very alien even amongst the girls and the club because of it! 
 

You have to have other things outside of your job! Just like everyone else! The only thing that makes it harder for you to, hang up your wig, or… (just a turn of phase!) is that, stripping often requires we turn on that side of ourselves and get into a mode that is different to how we act day to day, in the broad light of morning! 
 

I used to feel the same way, I really did - and when I was a stripper, it wasn’t an act, it really wasn’t, not for me anyway. It was just another side of myself I have living within me 24/7. It was so freeing. But people can be judgemental. 
 

I, like you, used to say “I work in a bar” and often that was boring enough to never have any further questions asked. But these new friends have invited you and so far, Y’know, I would take that at face value. If they have been a small tight knit group, it will be hard for some of them to invite a new person in, and especially maybe someone like yourself. Maybe the other girl sees you as a threat? 
 

People are multi-faceted - we aren’t all good or all bad, it’s not always black and white. 
 

I would keep your heart open and optimistic, you seem like a great girl and they should be lucky to have you there chilling out with them! We all need to relax! And have friends.

 

Has it been hard for you to make friends outside of work, or find a romantic partner? 
 

All the best - I would say, stay with it and just get a further feel for the group. Your own judgement is normally good enough!

 

x

[itsallgrand]

I have a few long term friends like this who I occasionally nerd out with for DnD or board game nights. I don't think you have anything to worry about! Obviously you have some things you have in common and they keep inviting you, I think you are ok! I don't want to generalize too much here but many people I've met in these groups can be a bit rougher around the edges with social graces. Doesn't mean they don't like you necessarily! Honestly I wouldn't take anything personally until you really get to know them, and then if someone is particularly giving you a hard time or making you feel unwelcome, you can deal it then.

I think it's great and frankly sweet that you have found this outlet. Wholesome can be good 👍 

 

[Tinydance]

This might be cliche advice but I think you just need to be yourself. I mean, if you'd prefer not to discuss your work voluntarily then that's totally up to you. I think if people ask where you work then you can tell them or you can say you work at a night club. This is what you do for work and these people will either accept it or not. The thing with friendships too is that your friends need to be authentic and like you for you. If they can't accept it then as much as it sucks, they can't be your friends. You would need friends who are fine with you just as you are.

I'm not sure what these people are thinking of course but they might be fine with it for all you know. I used to go to this "nerd" cosplay and gaming bar and I made friends with this girl there. She's a huge nerd and gamer but she was a sex worker, web cam girl and nude model. Personally I had no problem with her work and we got along really well. I think at the end of the day just because someone is in the adult industry doesn't mean they aren't also a person with their own hobbies and interests. You can be a nerd as well as stripper, they're not mutually exclusive lol

[smackie9]

About the girl. Put yourself in her shoes. She doesn't know you and with what you represent (career/appearance) is triggering all her insecurities about herself. This was a safe place for her where she could be herself/comfortable. Then you came along taking that away from her. All I'm asking is to have empathy/don't brush it off with "She needs to get over it" or "she's being ridiculous." She feels the way she feels. Life lesson is, when someone feels low, do your best to uplift them. Communication is key. Talk to her, be warm and friendly to her, be genuine. Let her know how you feel about her, like how kool she is, ask her questions about herself, take a real interest in her. Show her who you really are as a person.

[tattoobunnie]

Just give it time!  It makes no issue what you do for work with D&D.

Look up rejection dysphoria, which is tied to neurodivergent behavior, which is common with people that D&D appeals to.  She may have zero issues with you.  And if she is rude to you, that says more about her, than it does about you.

[Dancer Candy]

On 11/23/2023 at 5:58 AM, smackie9 said:

About the girl. Put yourself in her shoes. She doesn't know you and with what you represent (career/appearance) is triggering all her insecurities about herself. This was a safe place for her where she could be herself/comfortable. Then you came along taking that away from her. All I'm asking is to have empathy/don't brush it off with "She needs to get over it" or "she's being ridiculous." She feels the way she feels. Life lesson is, when someone feels low, do your best to uplift them. Communication is key. Talk to her, be warm and friendly to her, be genuine. Let her know how you feel about her, like how kool she is, ask her questions about herself, take a real interest in her. Show her who you really are as a person.

I don't think she's being ridiculous or anything like that.  I really like her, and I'd love to just be her friend, but her reaction to me is kind of triggering MY insecurities about myself.  I've been doing this for nearly ten years, and I'm not smart enough or educated enough to really do anything else that would make nearly that much money.  So like...part of me worries that maybe she's right about me?  Like I mentioned it's...not just stripping that I've been doing, if you understand what I mean?  I'm trying to keep a positive mind, but there's part of me that's worried I don't really like...deserve it, I guess?

Things were a little bit less awkward with the rest of the group last time, so maybe it will just take a bit of time, I guess.  I just like it that there's people and fun stuff that's part of my week that's not related to what I do.  I hope it works out

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Dancer Candy said:

I don't think she's being ridiculous or anything like that.  I really like her, and I'd love to just be her friend, but her reaction to me is kind of triggering MY insecurities about myself.  I've been doing this for nearly ten years, and I'm not smart enough or educated enough to really do anything else that would make nearly that much money.  So like...part of me worries that maybe she's right about me?  Like I mentioned it's...not just stripping that I've been doing, if you understand what I mean?  I'm trying to keep a positive mind, but there's part of me that's worried I don't really like...deserve it, I guess?

Things were a little bit less awkward with the rest of the group last time, so maybe it will just take a bit of time, I guess.  I just like it that there's people and fun stuff that's part of my week that's not related to what I do.  I hope it works out

Do you want to further your education? Get a license perhaps in massage therapy (which requires smarts but from what I know mostly memorization for the exams)? How important is it to you to make a lot of money vs. "enough"? I think it's important to like what you do for a living and believe it's consistent with your values and sense of self respect.  

[lostandhurt]

Time is what is needed for these nerds to get used to having you around.  Remember they probably aren't around pretty and sexy women very much and are intimated by your looks.  Actually you are probably helping them some by helping them interact with an attractive woman.

 As far as the other girl goes she sees you as an interloper in her group.  She was the only woman with a group of guys and I am sure she enjoys the attention. My best advice to you is to talk to her and tell her exactly what you wrote above about how you view her.  I am sure she will love to hear it and it will reduce the tension between you two. 

 What you do for a living is none of our business but please be safe.  Also don't put yourself down that you are not smart enough.  I am sure you make really good money at what you do but if you are playing DnD well you are smart enough for other vocations. 

 Next game night go totally make up free, dress in loose fitting clothes and let your guard down. If nothing else you may have improved the hygiene of the men in the group 🤪

Lost

[smackie9]

You are right, this will take time for you and them to get to know/comfortable with. Of course anyone new that comes into a tight knit group is going to be scrutinized. That's just human nature. Kinda like the new kid at school. 

As for your future, this would be a good time to think about your options. The money you make can either go towards an education (lots of universities have online course available so you can do it when it is convenient for you), or start investments to build a nest egg to retire on. That could be playing the market or buy real estate (rentals). 

[boltnrun]

I would imagine what you're currently doing to earn money has an end date. Sort of like a pro athlete. They can't compete forever. Do you have any plans for when you "retire" from your current profession?

I agree with making it a point to talk to the other woman who is present. She'll see you aren't a "threat" to her at all. Hopefully she'll respond positively.

[itsallgrand]

I know in my area they actually have resources available through a few clinics (women's and outreach) specifically for people looking to transition out of the sex trade. Might be worth looking into if you are thinking of that. There are others who have been where you are, I'd imagine it'd be a very non judgemental space to explore your feelings of not having other options and how what you do is impacting you. 

 

[tattoobunnie]

3 hours ago, Dancer Candy said:

I don't think she's being ridiculous or anything like that.  I really like her, and I'd love to just be her friend, but her reaction to me is kind of triggering MY insecurities about myself.  I've been doing this for nearly ten years, and I'm not smart enough or educated enough to really do anything else that would make nearly that much money.  So like...part of me worries that maybe she's right about me?  Like I mentioned it's...not just stripping that I've been doing, if you understand what I mean?  I'm trying to keep a positive mind, but there's part of me that's worried I don't really like...deserve it, I guess?

Things were a little bit less awkward with the rest of the group last time, so maybe it will just take a bit of time, I guess.  I just like it that there's people and fun stuff that's part of my week that's not related to what I do.  I hope it works out

These paragraphs tells me you are 100% smart, emotionally intelligent, and kind.  I think you should stay in this D&D group even if someone is a hater.  I think it will help you in a lot more ways than just a means of a social outlet.

[Dancer Candy]

On 11/22/2023 at 3:21 PM, mylolita said:

Evening Candy! 
 

Oh boy! I’m 33, a similar age to yourself! I was a stripper and lap dancer between the age of 18 to 21, so not a long time, but I think I may relate to maybe being, yes, a stripper, but also much more than that, and maybe feeling very alien even amongst the girls and the club because of it! 
 

You have to have other things outside of your job! Just like everyone else! The only thing that makes it harder for you to, hang up your wig, or… (just a turn of phase!) is that, stripping often requires we turn on that side of ourselves and get into a mode that is different to how we act day to day, in the broad light of morning! 
 

I used to feel the same way, I really did - and when I was a stripper, it wasn’t an act, it really wasn’t, not for me anyway. It was just another side of myself I have living within me 24/7. It was so freeing. But people can be judgemental. 
 

I, like you, used to say “I work in a bar” and often that was boring enough to never have any further questions asked. But these new friends have invited you and so far, Y’know, I would take that at face value. If they have been a small tight knit group, it will be hard for some of them to invite a new person in, and especially maybe someone like yourself. Maybe the other girl sees you as a threat? 
 

People are multi-faceted - we aren’t all good or all bad, it’s not always black and white. 
 

I would keep your heart open and optimistic, you seem like a great girl and they should be lucky to have you there chilling out with them! We all need to relax! And have friends.

 

Has it been hard for you to make friends outside of work, or find a romantic partner? 
 

All the best - I would say, stay with it and just get a further feel for the group. Your own judgement is normally good enough!

 

x

I forgot to reply to this - hi Lolita!

I wish I had gotten out when you did.  Back then, it WAS fun, and a little exciting.  Plus money was good, etc.  Now I'm here, doing what I do, and I'm worried about the future a little bit.  Maybe I'll check out what Itsallgrand mentioned about local services, etc

And yes, historically my love life has been complete disaster.  Like - "having to call the cops a few times" and once "needing to get dental surgery" levels of disaster.  And I have friends - most also dance at the same place.  A few are even more screwed up than I am, which is a little scary lol.  But most are nice to me

What I like about the people I met in the game group is that they are NOT screwed up.  Or at least not more than anyone else.  It's just nice to be a part of something like that, if that makes sense?  I do feel like I stick out a lot, but they don't make me feel dumb, even though I mess up the rules a lot in the game.  Well, Becca makes me feel dumb, but it's not like she actually says anything mean about it.  It's more about my feelings than anything she does, I guess

[Coily]

Just a random thought, since you "screw up the rules" it could be a way to ask Becca for help and building some trust through a bit of mild vulnerability. Giving her some superiority in her circle could be helpful?

As far as your future, I too would encourage you to do what It'sallgrand suggested. You clearly have the awareness of your situation, so use that smarts to build the life you want for yourself.

 

[Dancer Candy]

1 hour ago, Coily said:

Just a random thought, since you "screw up the rules" it could be a way to ask Becca for help and building some trust through a bit of mild vulnerability.

 

I like that idea - I'll try it

[mylolita]

Hey @Dancer Candy!

 

No problem at all! 
 

I would have carried on for probably another few years, but other things happened. I’m glad it worked out how it did but never, ever regret the dancing! 
 

Your future! So many girls I knew used the dancing to pay their own way through university and came out the other end debt free. I am remember one girl who had long, white blonde hair who became a psychologist and paid for her whole degree, by herself, from the age of 18. I lost touch, I’m not sure what she does now but as crazy or messed up, off the beaten track or just wild as the girls can be, I will say one thing - they were all resourceful and could always turn a buck, no matter what life threw at them, and always supported themselves and their children. It wasn’t the most stable life, I don’t commend that but, I did respect their take charge, independent resourceful natures. And very smart, money wise. They always knew where they were and a lot of them were very financially goal orientated.

 

I knew two other women as well who used the bucket load of money they made at the club to open - one, a beauty salon and the other opened their own hairdressing parlour. 
 

I did know a few women who were over 35. It depends how you age. It’s dark - HA! I mean, pretty much all dancers have great figures and know how to present themselves, even at 40. You could still do that, but it depends what else you want at 40, or 35, or whenever, and how the lifestyle you’re in at the moment lines up with that. I knew I wanted to be married and have children and yes, a traditional housewife, and being a lap dancer and having young kids isn’t in my values. I don’t look down on other women who do that, far from it, and I would do it if I hit the crunch, but it’s been got out of my system! Maybe a time will come, like a lot of people in our industry, where it isn’t fun and exciting anymore, and you turn your smarts to something else. It’s never too late! It really isn’t. 
 

You will deeply understand sales. You are probably very confident and charismatic and can read people very well - socially intelligent - which is a complete edge in an interview. I’ve never been to an interview where I didn’t get the job. All the skills you gain doing what you do are very underrated. They are laughed at on an CV -  but you have them there naturally in you, and through experience.

 

I will say one thing - pole lessons are a lucrative thing. My husband once suggested I open a pole dancing school. I nearly got serious about it as well. Being the businessman he is, he was thinking, you could franchise it out and employ other dancers to teach. This could get you out of the club, or half out for now, into your own business using your immediate talents! I also knew a girl who taught pole on the side! A lot of the full time instructors are ex dancers.

 

You will probably already know a lot of people! Even the “geek quiet” girls book lessons like that. It’s becoming as popular and accepted as a yoga class.

 

You’ll be fine! 
 

Enjoy your gaming! 
 

x