Am I the one that's selfish?....

[Cherylyn]

1 hour ago, mike3610 said:

haha. You guys are focusing on the wrong things. It doesn't matter why I lost my keys. I just did, it was a mistake. All of us have made mistakes, or lost something.

Then focus on safety for her.  She already picked you up from the train station.  She already explained to you that 4:30AM is awfully early.  Note she'll have to get up even earlier to ensure your prompt 4:30AM train station arrival.  She told you it will be a long day and night for her which wouldn't be safe for her nor you.  Pay for your Uber and don't make this an issue.  It's not worth the source of contention between you two.

[mike3610]

I'm just going to say this. Forget the post for a sec. When I get into a relationship with someone there are some things that I can do on my own, and there are some things where if I need help I should be able to ask my partner for help. Things happen in life. We have all made mistakes. If I have to to think to myself..."I cant ask her, she will just say no" is that a relationship I really want to be in? Same goes for me. If my girlfriend cant ask me for help, then why would she want to be with me. Its a two way streak. Lets say my gf was in the same situation and asked for me to pay for her Uber, I wouldn't say... "well its YOUR mistake, you pay for it yourself." That would be selfish of me. Or another example. Sometimes my gf asks me to drive her car if its to late... I wouldn't say " Its your car, you drive!" I would help her out.

 

[gamon]

Oh, when you put it that way, you're absolutely correct, thank you for giving me the opportunity to change my point of view.

I would insist your girlfriend pays for all the Ubers you may require, and/or drive you anywhere you need to go until you're able to find a resolution to your current predicament.

Shame on her for not being there for you in your time of need. If you can't count on her then why even be in a relationship?

 

 

 

[Cherylyn]

1 hour ago, mike3610 said:

I'm just going to say this. Forget the post for a sec. When I get into a relationship with someone there are some things that I can do on my own, and there are some things where if I need help I should be able to ask my partner for help. Things happen in life. We have all made mistakes. If I have to to think to myself..."I cant ask her, she will just say no" is that a relationship I really want to be in? Same goes for me. If my girlfriend cant ask me for help, then why would she want to be with me. Its a two way streak. Lets say my gf was in the same situation and asked for me to pay for her Uber, I wouldn't say... "well its YOUR mistake, you pay for it yourself." That would be selfish of me. Or another example. Sometimes my gf asks me to drive her car if its to late... I wouldn't say " Its your car, you drive!" I would help her out.

 

Think of your relationship.  Be smart.  Don't create unnecessary drama which transforms into heated arguments because at the end of the day,  it really isn't worth fighting.  Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?  Be intelligent.  Stop with the role reversals.  You lost your keys.  She drove in most likely heavy traffic to pick you up from the train station.  Expecting her to awake extra early at an ungodly hour in order to ensure your prompt 4:30AM train station arrival is unsafe for both of you.  Drowsy driving is just as dangerous and DEADLY as drunk or drugged driving.  She told you that it will be a long day and night for her;  putting her safety at risk not to mention yours so pay for the Uber and call it a day.  Instead of keeping score,  concentrate and divert your focus onto her safety and let that be your guide.  When safety is tantamount and in the forefront of your mind,  you are considered unselfish.  It's something to think about.  Pick your battles.

[bluecastle]

I ask this earnestly: Do you want out of this relationship? 

You don't have to answer, but I'm asking because that's the vibe I'm getting. You're turning this into a test of some very lofty ideas and ideals, and in my experience that's what we do when there's something deeper churning under the surface. 

 

[smackie9]

3 hours ago, mike3610 said:

I am appreciative of her. I tell her that a lot. When I view relationships I see it as a team. Could I have gotten an Uber? Sure. Could I have gotten a locksmith? sure, but one would think that in a time where I needed a little help my gf would be there for me. It's just like when my sister asked me.." Can you do me a favor and cut the grass?" I'm not going to respond.. I'm tired.. Cant you do it? can't you get someone else to cut the grass?.. that would be rude. As her big brother my sister expects me to be there for her.. (that's just an example)

She was there for you, she dropped everything to go pick you up.

4:30am is an ungodly hour and that would be putting her or anyone else out since you have other options like taking an Uber.

It's not an emergency, you messed up losing your keys, so take some responsibility instead of expecting your GF to take on the load. 

Now, since this was a learning experience that you couldn't really depend on her the way you expect, maybe you two weren't meant for each other. This might be an issue down the road. 

[spinstermanquee]

1 hour ago, mike3610 said:

"I cant ask her, she will just say no" is that a relationship I really want to be in?

It's not asking for a favor, it's asking for an unreasonable favor.  Being in a relationship means give and take - like those famous lyrics "you can't always get what you want."

She obviously cares for you - she jetted over to the station and picked you up.  Did she scold you like a naughty child or guilt you for interrupting her day?  Did she chide or lecture you?

She put her safety (and yours!) first, as you both should.

I often fly for work and we lived pretty close to the airport for 20+ years.  Occasionally a flight would go sideways and I'd arrive in the wee hours.  When that happened I did not expect my husband to get out of bed and come get me, the out-of-bounds range was roughly 12a-5a and I would just taxi or Uber home, roll my suitcase in, quietly undress, and slip into the pre-warmed bed 🙂

[Tinydance]

Well I agree with you that it's important to be able to count on our partner to help us in difficult situations. But I think it needs to be within reason. There are people who actually tend to do too much for their partner (or people in general) and they become like a doormat and enable their partner to rely on them too much. I've seem it before and I don't think that's actually good either.

I think your partner helping you just needs to be within reason. For example, let's say my car broke down and I need a lift. I can ask my partner to come and get me and if they're free yes they probably should come get me. But if they're doing something urgent or important at work, then they might say: "Sorry but can you catch an Uber?" I don't think they actually have to pay for that Uber. Because then it would become just an ongoing thing like: "Your toaster broke so I'll buy you a toaster". Your partner doesn't have to just pay for you because things went wrong. If it was their fault something went wrong, then sure. But in your case she did nothing wrong and she did actually come and pick you up initially.

4:00 a.m. is really early and if she actually has to go to work then it's understandable she doesn't want to get up so early. I'm not sure where you live but in big cities people usually don't live that far from a train station. So the Uber probably wouldn't be that expensive, right?

[Batya33]

It is within reason and each situation is individual. Two examples.

Day before thanksgiving my husband misplaced the car keys.  When we were on a road trip, at a hotel.  We decided that the best thing for me to do at that point was not to help him look but rather to take my son on a modified planned outing in the city where we were staying as tourists.  This way husband could continue looking plus start making phone calls to see about a replacement (day before a major holiday.....) and we'd be out of his hair so to speak plus not lose a vacation day. I had my phone so he could text me.  I also emailed the friend we'd seen the prior day who -coincidentally -had commented that he saw car keys in the street! Just in case. That's how I "helped."

Two hours later my husband texted -he found them in one of his bags.  My way of supporting him then was to make sure he didn't feel embarrassed and/or beat himself up and I told my son - when we see him we have to help him feel better about it because mistakes happen -he'd placed them in an atypical place deep down in a bag.

So -had my husband asked me to stay in the room and make calls/look for the keys therefore ruining my son and mine sightseeing plans -because I'm supposed to be "supportive" to me that would have been selfish. It was a balance though -I would have stayed to be his security blanket but -why?

That's what I mean -often it's nuanced and if you have a healthful relationship you trust each other to be supportive however that means.  I would not have asked my husband to drive me somewhere at 4am (unless it was a true safety issue -my being female and all).

Example 2.  I needed new pants and was having trouble finding them online.  I don't drive and the store is over a mile away which is close enough but I was very busy at the time. My friend said -so order a couple of pants online that might fit, then try them on and if they don't fit have your husband drive back to Target and return them."   I told her - I would never ask my husband to run that sort of errand for me - the thought is actually insane to me. 

But she would think nothing of tasking her husband with that. So we obviously view what's typically done very very differently.  

I don't view my partner as there to clean up my mistakes/help me avoid inconveniences at all costs and get up at crazy hours to help me "just because."  When I fell on the sidewalk last week when we were away and I got bruised and cuts and scrapes I did ask him to go to the hotel lobby and get me more bandaids.    Because I was bleeding quite a bit and wanted to shower off ASAP.  I was injured. But if I only had one cut etc I would have gone downstairs myself.  I also asked him to make sure we passed a drugstore next day so I could buy more but I'd never have asked him to do this for me just because he's my husband unless I was not able to get there myself because of my injuries. 

OP be more resilient and show your partner you own your mistakes and take care of yourself.  I think you were looking for reasons to be upset.

[Cherylyn]

2 hours ago, Batya33 said:

 

I could see doing the same considering I have two sons regarding the outing as tourists while my husband searched for his keys.  However,  if there were no children involved and I didn't have any other plans,  I most likely would've stayed behind with him to help search for those keys. 

As for driving me somewhere at 4AM,  I most likely would obviously feel safer and more comfortable with my husband chauffeuring me being a lady and all.  Women do tend to get raped more often than men.  It's my personal preference regarding safety issues and considering my being a lady alone especially in the dark with strangers.  I avoid placing myself in vulnerable,  dangerous situations.  Some women such as myself are on high alert and have to think twice regarding what time,  location,  whom with or without,  etc.  Men ~ not as much. 

My husband would help me in accidents,  bloody situations, etc. ,  heavy bleeding,  difficulty walking and the like. 

Regarding my husband picking something up for me from the store,  he's done it countless times even though I told him not to go through the trouble.  He insisted upon it even if it wasn't a combined errand for himself.   He will go out of his way just for me and I for him.  I was thankful and very appreciative.  It's nothing out of the ordinary for us and I've done the same for him many a time.  Whoever can do it,  does it.  We order a lot online.  There are times when our schedules are hectic so if it's en route,  on the way home,  if we're on the road anyway,  in the area anyway or even if it's "inconvenient,"  etc.,  then one of us will pick up (or return for refunds) from stores such as Target,  grocery stores,  Costco,  Amazon, UPS,  FedEx,  any errands,  etc.  He'll say to me:  "I'm right on it."  I'm very grateful.  My husband also picked up drugstore items whether it was Rx, OTC or whatever just for me and I've done the same for him.  And yes,  for us,  it is indeed "just because."  ❤️  Very much so.  ❤️

[Batya33]

10 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

I could see doing the same considering I have two sons regarding the outing as tourists while my husband searched for his keys.  However,  if there were no children involved and I didn't have any other plans,  I most likely would've stayed behind with him to help search for those keys. 

Same but honestly he needed quiet to make all those phone calls to car dealerships and be able to go into all the bags etc so we might have gotten in the way. I asked him what would best help and he said to have my phone with me, call our friend who had seen keys in the street to see if he remembered what they looked like and that he'd text me if I needed to return -I stayed in the general area.  He also would have felt truly awful if we both sort of waited around and our son missed out on sightseeing.  Otherwise I'd have stayed.

We do a lot of online ordering.  I order lots of stuff for him and I pick up his favorite items when I go shopping.  When he happens to go shopping he'll ask if I need anything.  

[Jaunty]

I wouldn't ask my partner for a ride at 4 a.m. if I could afford to take an Uber.  Which I can.  

It would be different if I were going on a long trip and we'd be separated.  

[catfeeder]

11 hours ago, mike3610 said:

When I get into a relationship with someone there are some things that I can do on my own, and there are some things where if I need help I should be able to ask my partner for help.

I think 'shoulding' on anyone is sabotage. You can be angry with GF if you want, it's not against the law, it just won't buy you anything but a chip to carry around--and for what purpose?

You messed up. It happens. Coming out sideways on your GF (who appears to own reasonable boundaries) is bratty. She's not your parent, and you're not a child. It's unfortunate for both of you that you're acting like one.

[MissCanuck]

I would get myself a taxi / Uber if I needed to be out the door that early in the morning. It wouldn't even cross my mind to ask my partner to cart me around at that hour. 

Yes, you're the selfish one. 

If you want to fight about it and make this the hill you die on, something else is seriously wrong with your relationship. 

[Wiseman2]

15 hours ago, mike3610 said:

. Could I have gotten an Uber? Sure. Could I have gotten a locksmith? sure, 

She did help you out. Unfortunately it's a frustrating situation, but taking out on her is not "teamwork". 

[Batya33]

4 hours ago, catfeeder said:

When I get into a relationship with someone there are some things that I can do on my own, and there are some things where if I need help I should be able to ask my partner for help.

I don't see relationships that way.  Individual situations yes.  When I went into labor 800 miles away from my husband I did expect him to call the airlines and change his flight from the following week to ASAP. 

He did and if he hadn't I would have felt he wasn't there for me when I needed help.  When I was exhausted from solo parenting all weekend and he'd just gotten home and was supposed to take our son out for lunch to give me some Me Time and got a call from a friend whose teenage daughter might be stranded at our airport he chose to help his friend instead.  Even though I really needed his help to give me a break. 

The seriousness of the situation is what mattered to him and he knew I would get a break either later that day or very soon. 

I honestly wasn't happy at that moment and later realized he's a good man who wanted to help if he could in a worse situation than mine.  It's not an exact science and  trying to be "right" and setting things in stone with the shoulds I agree often doesn't work and is the beauty and challenges of a real relationship -you both know you will have to communicate effectively for the gray areas -which crop up more times than expected I find.

[jul-els]

Your feelings are not wrong about it and neither are hers. But ultimately your car keys are your responsibility, not hers. You should own that and be respectful of her decision and take on whatever you need to do to in order to go on with your day. 

[tattoobunnie]

Married, 12+ years happily.  I drive my whole family to the airport at all hours, including hubs recently at 4 AM for an airport over an hour away!  But you are just heading to a train with no luggage, and probably close by where you live.  Take an Uber. Quite selfish of you to expect her to drive you to something you can easily manage.

[reinventmyself]

21 hours ago, mike3610 said:

."I cant ask her, she will just say no" is that a relationship I really want to be in?

because she had a legitimate response to your request this time translates into her globally never being there for you? 

Does she always say no, or is it just this one instance?

[Big Stan]

On 5/18/2023 at 11:29 AM, mike3610 said:

I am appreciative of her. I tell her that a lot. When I view relationships I see it as a team. Could I have gotten an Uber? Sure. Could I have gotten a locksmith? sure, but one would think that in a time where I needed a little help my gf would be there for me. It's just like when my sister asked me.." Can you do me a favor and cut the grass?" I'm not going to respond.. I'm tired.. Cant you do it? can't you get someone else to cut the grass?.. that would be rude. As her big brother my sister expects me to be there for her.. (that's just an example)

From my perspective she was there for you. You needed help to get home from the train station because you messed up and she was there to bail you out. You now have the option of fixing the situation before tomorrow with a locksmith or an Uber. 
 

Since you are home safe as your girlfriend helped you out, now you are in a decent place to solve this problem. Also you asked here if everyone felt you are being selfish and it seems like people seem to be in agreement that you are yet you keep pushing back on people for giving you the opinions you asked us for. We are just trying to help you out. It’s okay for you to not agree but it seems you’re standing alone in this expectation. 
 

The way I see it that leaves you with the following options, the first one is to adjust your unrealistic expectations and live happy and the second one is to continue to make an issue out of this and pick a fight for no reason. 

[redswim30]

The BIG question I have for you OP is this- 

Do you often go out of your way for her and what you're really feeling is a lack of reciprocity on her part?  If so, then I would say that is selfish of her.  But that also makes the real issue about double standards and variable expectations in your relationship- which isn't really about this specific instance at all. 

But let's take this instance and I'll try to be as fair as I can. 

You made a mistake, big deal.  Happens to everyone.   

IMVHO, when we have partners, it should be second nature to want to help one another when they are in a jam, even if it's inconvenient.  Especially if you were to consider marrying her.  I've often lost sleep, been inconvenienced, been annoyed, or had a tougher day because I was helping my husband due to circumstances not being ideal or "mistakes" happening. 

NOW- there are some instances in which a partner may want to help, but simply cannot.  In that instance, the other should be willing to step up and make other accommodations. 

Is that the real issues here, that you feel like she COULD HAVE, but chose to put herself first?

Try to think this through, OR is that you are just annoyed that she actually could not do it?

OR is it an overall issue that you see happening in your relationship?  Is it that she has expectations of you that you find inconvenient, but then you see her not being willing to inconvenience herself for you?

In which case, you have larger problems that this one incident.  

So not knowing your whole relationship, I can't say who is being "selfish", but I DO wonder if there's other factors at play here. 

[reinventmyself]

to get the train station at 4:30 would require your gf to get up at 3:30 to be ready for her day?

Yah . .my bf would never ask that from me or vice versa.  It's a little too much.  Noone should have to pay the price of even that sort of inconvenience for my mistake.  Especially when there is a simple alternative.

[Kwothe28]

22 hours ago, mike3610 said:

When I get into a relationship with someone there are some things that I can do on my own, and there are some things where if I need help I should be able to ask my partner for help. Things happen in life. We have all made mistakes. If I have to to think to myself..."I cant ask her, she will just say no" is that a relationship I really want to be in? Same goes for me. If my girlfriend cant ask me for help, then why would she want to be with me. Its a two way streak. Lets say my gf was in the same situation and asked for me to pay for her Uber, I wouldn't say... "well its YOUR mistake, you pay for it yourself." That would be selfish of me.

But what you are talking is "idylic"(some would say even "toxic") interpretation of "love". Where one person says "jump" and other says "how high?" Unless you find somebody who would honor your every desire, you wont get that ever. I say "toxic" because not every one of your desires has to be reasonable. As you can see, most(maybe even all) users here consider your request unreasonable. 

I would maybe think differently if your request is more reasonable or if she doesnt help you at all. But she honored your request and drove you around the day before. So maybe you should "put the ball to the ground" a bit and cool off. Not every one of our requests has to be honored. By our loved ones, at work etc. We as adults are not kids anymore(for example kids under the age of 6 often have an attitude where they think world revolves around them and that they should get all they request) and should understand that.

[catfeeder]

12 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I don't see relationships that way.  Individual situations yes.  When I went into labor 800 miles away from my husband I did expect him to call the airlines and change his flight from the following week to ASAP. 

He did and if he hadn't I would have felt he wasn't there for me when I needed help.  When I was exhausted from solo parenting all weekend and he'd just gotten home and was supposed to take our son out for lunch to give me some Me Time and got a call from a friend whose teenage daughter might be stranded at our airport he chose to help his friend instead.  Even though I really needed his help to give me a break. 

The seriousness of the situation is what mattered to him and he knew I would get a break either later that day or very soon. 

I honestly wasn't happy at that moment and later realized he's a good man who wanted to help if he could in a worse situation than mine.  It's not an exact science and  trying to be "right" and setting things in stone with the shoulds I agree often doesn't work and is the beauty and challenges of a real relationship -you both know you will have to communicate effectively for the gray areas -which crop up more times than expected I find.

I think I was misquoted, I didn't say the stuff that was attributed to me.

[Batya33]

10 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

I think I was misquoted, I didn't say the stuff that was attributed to me.

I'm sorry I think I meant to quote someone else -sorry for any inconvenience!