Big Stan

I would change my number as you said and put this relationship behind you if it really is abusive as you say. No one should tolerate abusive behavior.

The point I’m making is people should be responsible for their own choices and when they tell me they aren’t going to engage with me they shouldn’t continue to antagonize me. People engaging when they feel like applies to me too. I feel like commenting and I feel like doing it again. Pretty simple right?

There’s the 4th reply you’ve made to me after telling me you were done engaging with me.

Yawn. It’s really hard to believe you’re “not getting into it with me” when you’ve repeatedly gone out of your way to antagonize me. Your words don’t match your actions and it’s pretty entertaining to watch you claim the high road while acting like a child. If you really didn’t want to interact with me you wouldn’t. I have no such issue with you therefore I’m not going to stop. Put your big girl pants on and take some responsibility for your actions.

That’s not fair. You don’t know me near well enough to accuse me of willfully misrepresenting what you said. I was fair and I went by what was written in your post. I responded directly to words that you wrote. I am not clairvoyant and therefore I cannot comment based on your intentions only on what’s in black and white. I’m good but I’m not that good. Plus I cannot fail to see the irony in you taking umbrage to my reply to your direct words while directly ascribing malice to my reply. You’re doing directly what you’ve accused me of indirectly doing. I’ve done nothing wrong with my responses. Instead of picking a fight with me perhaps reflect on how you can communicate more effectively to avoid misunderstandings in the future.

I have done a good amount of corporate work and had some really good mentors when it comes to sales and communication. Because of this I believe that you can ask anyone any question you want if you do so in a respectful way. If he is a nice and humble guy as you say just ask him in a simple and respectful way and then let him decide. How would you ask him to pass the ketchup bottle if you were sitting across from him on a picnic bench? The important thing is to not fixate on his answer. Whether he says yes or no is out of your control and it doesn’t matter because even a no puts you in the exact position you are in now. The important thing is learning how to respectfully ask for what you want from another human being. This applies to everything in life. Almost every person can ask a stranger for a basic courtesy. We just freeze up when we feel the stakes are higher. When the answer is dependent on other people your part is really never any more difficult no matter the question. Just like the ketchup example, if you ask in a desperate way it will be weird but in a plain and respectful way it will be fine no matter the answer. If you ask him to pass the ketchup like “hey I realllly neeeeeeed ketchup it’s soooooo wonderful can you pleeeease pass it to me” he’s going to look at you strangely. Asking him out is no different. Pick something you like about him that’s not superficial and say hey I noticed this about you and I would like to get to know you better. Would you like to go to X place with me sometime and chat? Make the thing not about his looks. If he is as good looking as you say people tell him that a lot. I know this from first hand experience. Telling me I look hot doesn’t do much for me. Telling me you like an aspect of my personality or you like something you know I’ve worked hard on gives me validation and I’m more likely going to respond positively.

A couple things I would like to address in here. The OP has been in therapy from the way it sounds and is otherwise doing the work it takes to move on from this abusive relationship. The act of reading the letter to the gravesite is confronting their abuser and in doing so it’s a big step towards healing. Sure the spitting probably wasn’t necessary but maybe it was the OP’s way of asserting themselves in a relationship where the dynamic was that they didn’t feel they were heard while their dad was alive. It’s a dramatic gesture but maybe that was the final step OP needed to put it behind them. The spitting didn’t cause any real damage to anyone or any thing. I don’t see any ultimate harm in it. The only harm would be to do it again because if it was a final confrontation before moving on it’s fine but it is not acceptable to use something like that as a regular coping strategy. If OP was talking about their weekly ritual of spitting on the grave I would agree with you but it sounds like a one time thing. Also I don’t believe that we can control our emotions. If we could no one would ever feel anything bad ever again. While we cannot control our emotions we can choose whether or not we want to listen to them and it’s our follow through that gives emotions their power. We can choose to let emotions play out in the background or we can choose to listen. We cannot will those emotions away and we shouldn’t feel guilty for thinking or feeling bad stuff. Acting on those feelings or giving them validity sure but simply thinking something negative is not only normal but harmless in and of itself. What happens when we think that we can control how we feel is we add guilt to our list of negative emotions once we inevitably fail and suppressing something negative. It’s like intentionally trying not to think about a pink elephant, you do that hard enough and you’ll be consumed by that thought.

Why can’t you do happy hour inside at a bar or restaurant? Part of being social and doing things is adaptability. In fact, that’s my favorite part of doing things. I just schedule time blocks and general plans and then my friends and I play it by ear. The only exception to that is the restaurant we eat at, they are usually popular and busy and you aren’t eating there without a reservation. Other than that my plans are always fluid. It makes perfect sense to be that way assuming you have the right motivation. My motivation is to hang out with my wife or my friends or both. Therefore it doesn’t matter what we do because it’s the company I keep that matters. Why is showing off to your friends more important than seeing them? Why do you need to be seen as impressive? I think that need comes from a feeling internally that you’re not enough. No matter how nice of a day or how beautiful your yard looks or how impressed your friends are that internal need to be adored isn’t going to be satisfied because only you can address that. Why are you not happy with yourself OP? What can YOU do to change it? Take the focus off what other people can do and focus only on things that are 100% in your control.

Yup. It’s not over and you have a positive attitude. Just keep stepping up to the plate and swing away.

Yeah I went through this in 08 when my industry more or less collapsed. It was a different situation though I did not quit a job I got laid off as did half the licensed workforce in my area. I don’t really feel your decision to leave was that well thought out because you didn’t have a place to go to. There almost never is a reason to quit a job without another one. I have stayed at jobs I absolutely hated with a passion until a better opportunity came along. I always figured that the worse the job the more finding a better one would stick it do the people at the one I was at. You really don’t hurt most companies by quitting, you do so by leaving for a better opportunity. Then when they ask you to stay you tell them you’ve already accepted another position somewhere else, I wouldn’t say where, and that you start right after the notice you’ve given.

You were close, then you blamed your mother, then you blamed the men you dated. The first step in your mind not working that way is owning the fact that you can CHOOSE to look at things better. You need to take responsibility for the negativity and actively work to change it. Right now you are in what Orrin Woodward, a really good business leader, calls the victim lens. Basically I am the way I am because someone else did X or someone else did Y. Thing is there is someone out there with a much worse upbringing that is positive. There is someone else who's mother is a much worse yet that person is happy and well adjusted. It's up to you to change. Only you can do this work and if you decide to climb that hill your life will get better. You have to put that work in though no one can do it for you or really even help you with it.

I agree. This sounds like your big fear OP. I would for sure let him know this fear and iron it out. Most people, myself included, tend to avoid addressing the issues that hurt us but those are really the only issues that matter. Once you address them you'll feel much better. Maybe you're right, and he is just afraid of being alone and talking to him about it will get him to realize that the solution to his problem is doing some work on himself not moving in with you. Maybe you're wrong, and he will express to you how much he wants to move in with you because of who you are and you'll feel better about it. Either way, if you're thinking of breaking up with him you have nothing to lose by heading right at the issue.

By reading this and your other threads a common theme is starting to emerge. You seem to see others as the cause of your problems. Whether or not what you say is true I have some bad news for you. You can't change anyone else. People are all out here living our own lives doing the best we can. Some of us are managing better than others. We have people who are almost entirely good, everything they do is great and everyone around them loves them. We also have people who are almost entirely bad, everything they do takes away from and hurts those around them. Most people fall somewhere in the middle. All you can do is live in the good and minimize the bad of others. If your mom is generally a kind and nice person then enjoy that, but ignore the parts when she is trying to be helpful but is just hovering. If your friends married guys you don't like be happy for them and supportive but don't let yourself be used in a way you don't feel comfortable with. The common denominator here is you. The only person you really have any control over is yourself. I think your time is much better spent figuring out how to make YOU do what you want instead of trying to control the behaviors and actions of other people. Let it go, you can't change it and swimming upstream just makes your arms tired.

Thing is, it's not for you to judge. If these women want to be in these relationships then that's their business. Not only that but you don't deal with your friends or these men behind closed doors so you don't really get to pass that judgement on them. If these women are defending their partners then that's good enough for me. I think you're overly judgmental and that's probably why you're alone. Maybe you expect too much out of people, it certainly seems like you do. I don't know these men, or these women so I can't really say but bottom line it's none of my business. I personally think it's fine to have whatever standards you want so long as you aren't upset about the level of companionship that gives you. You kind of want it both ways, you want X person but it isn't happening. So you either need to up your personal stock or re-evaluate your standards a little. All I know is that personally I have what I think are pretty high standards yet my friend life and my romantic life are both very fulfilling. Maybe it's because I'm more of a catch, whatever that means. Maybe it's because I try to see the good in people around me or maybe both. What I do know is your attitude is really negative and you tend to look at others in an extremely critical way. You're setting yourself up for a pretty miserable life if you don't think about that negativity and address it a little.

I think this is a rotten thing to say. Why are you so judgmental? A lot of your replies are peppered with these sorts of nasty and hateful comments. I’m starting to feel like your predicament is due to this trait more than anything else.