Should I do the same to him…

[throwaway222]

Me (21F) and my boyfriend (22M) have been together for six years. Started pretty young and I think that ***ed us over on the long run but wouldn’t change a thing about it tbh. Our relationship has always been my rock; we both had pretty unusual and sometimes bad relationships with our families and struggled a bit with friendships (him wayyyy more than me since we started college but anyways). The guy is my best friend, my family, a great partner. I can count with my fingers the times we have argued and have fingers left on both hands. He’s made my life easier, better, he made feel loved like nobody else in my life had, especially not my family. 

 

Here comes the tricky part.

 

On the last October 2021 (I can’t honestly explain this) but all of a sudden my memories came back to me and i remembered that se eral year ago, when i was 17/18 I developed a habit of sending nudes to strangers on weird apps made to “meet people”. Multiple times, with different people. Honest to everything sacred on this world, I had blocked those memories so hard that I couldn’t believe it had been me. I honestly had lived my life up until that point without remembering any of it, thinking i was a great girlfriend. As confusing as it was, i told him. It was the worst week of my life and to this day i feel like a piece of *** for ever doing that. But he forgave me. He even was nice about it. I went above and beyond to fix it. Started going to my psychologist, became an even better girlfriend, told him about some other things i thought could bother him and we talked it through. He never wanted to break up. We were even happier after this, ironically. I think our best times was after i told him i had been unfaithful.

 

This year, we returned to college campus and due to change of careers and years trying to get in university, this was his first trimester physically attending university classes. He made friends of his own for perhaps, the first time in his late teens/young adult life and we were doing great. He tends to be an incredibly shy and quiet person, and truly struggles with socializing in any way. He has told me he envied me for getting into college so early and seeing me live my life normally and even popularly between my classmates and other random groups of people. But we were fine, he introduced me to many of his friends, go out drinking with them, hang out, etc.

 

That, until last week he called me to tell me the night before he had gone to a party and cheated on me while being out of his mind drunk. Multiple times, with different people. But his wrongs were real, not virtual, like mine. He’s remorseful and has already stated go seek psychological help, has promised me to never drink again, and told me all the things he would do to make me feel safe enough to come back to a relationship with him, which he said was the number one thing he wanted in his life and that he’s incredibly sorry to have hit rock bottom for him to realize such thing. He’s also told me his reasoning behind it: he was all alone in a party (friend stood him up), so incredibly drunk and for the first time in his life socializing with complete strangers easily that he wanted to enjoy the night completely and wanted to shake that feeling of wanting to know what it’s like to be with other people; because he knew we wanted to be with me forever but the thought both scared and enticed him. He wanted a chance to see for himself. And when one girl gave pecks to half the party, he said: ive done a horrible thing already, there is no point in stopping now. So there were pecks, making out and some sexual stuff that night. 

 

He told me the next day bawling his eyes out and has asked me for a second chance ever since. I remember thinking: wow, i understand what he’s going through, cause i’ve been there. But, I broke up with him out of need of self respect. This is just a mere formality, because, as I told him, i needed I made him explain to me in excruciating detail how everything had happened and told him some of my deepest, darkest thoughts about this whole situation. Told him he disgusted me. Told him I wasn’t sure of wanting to come back to a relationship ever again. Implied that if i failed my classes, it was going to be because of this. He battled through all of it and still does. There are some things that still make my blood boil because i don’t think he’s ready for everything that he needs to do to gain my trust back. But deep down i wanna give him a second chance and i want to forgive and forget and move in eve cause i know i’m capable and because I GET IT, i get why he didi it, i’ve had the same thoughts, even acted upon them as well (as stated above). This is all stuff he knows: i’m mad, we’ve broken up, he’ll have to put an effort in winning me back and i see a chance in us getting back together but only if that effort is made. He has started but there is stuff that still needs work. 

 

But now i’m thinking… 

 

What if i get to forgive him and get into a new relationship and I never got the chance to experiment as he did? I’m thinking that maybe just for one night i wanna do the same he did. I know it won’t mean anything. I’m sure I’ll just wanna go back to him in the end of the day. But I need to do it because of not, i think im always gonna be the one with the tiny voice inside my head that says: how does it feel? and, why does he get to know and enjoy the relationship but you don’t? After all, after i send nudes to strangers on the internet i was trying to soothe the same urge in a more distant way, in my point of view. 

 

I’m thinking about telling him next time we see each other, since we’re broken-but-with-hopes-of-getting-back-together. But i’m also doubting this- what if he says no? What if he says yes but then is unable to move on in a relationship with me because of this? Truth be said, I am also terribly afraid of loosing him. But I also don’t wanna miss out, I don’t wanna feel stupid! It’s just as immature as it sounds, but if i’m not real with my feelings I will resent him forever. I wanna move on, I do, but I think this is the way to address the need to explore and experiment even when the best match, soulmate if you may, it’s present from such an early age. But also- haven’t i already done this? My incident with nudes to strangers is no little feat. 

 

I don’t know what to do… I want both reconciliation but in a way, to be fair and square with each other.

 

 

TL;DR: (21F) Forgot I had sent nudes to multiple strangers on the internet years ago, told boyfriend (22M) of six years only last year; he forgave my cheating. Fast forward this year; he cheats in a party with multiple people. Want to give him a second chance but asked for a breakup with hopes of getting back together. Thinking about telling him that I also wanna make out with other people as he did but scared that that may cost me out shot at being together ever again. Also scared that if i don’t do it, i’ll be in another long relationship always wondering and resenting that he did got to know what it feels like. 

[Wiseman2]

5 minutes ago, throwaway222 said:

I broke up with him out of need of self respect. Told him I wasn’t sure of wanting to come back to a relationship ever again.

Sorry this happened. You were together way too young and for way too long. You did the right thing ending it.

Perhaps he told you, so you would end it. To make it clear he wants to sow his wild oats and enjoy his freedom at college. Don't do on/off. Free yourselves once and for all.

You've grown apart and need to be apart. Live your own lives and explore your life with freedom and being single.

[throwaway222]

i know what you’re saying but i genuinely love him and get why he did it. i told him to break me off several times and he wouldn’t. i’ve bagged for days now how does he know that this is not his chance to just be free and keep kissing random people and he insists that he already saw there’s nothing there for him, that it wasn’t worth it. over and over again. i could move in form this cause i get the pressures put into a relationship sometimes are too much and monogamy is a whole issue by itself. maybe you’re right. but i wanna try and give just one more chance. no more than that 

[throwaway222]

11 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. You were together way too young and for way too long. You did the right thing ending it.

Perhaps he told you, so you would end it. To make it clear he wants to sow his wild oats and enjoy his freedom at college. Don't do on/off. Free yourselves once and for all.

You've grown apart and need to be apart. Live your own lives and explore your life with freedom and being single.

i know what you’re saying but i genuinely love him and get why he did it. i told him to break me off several times and he wouldn’t. i’ve bagged for days now how does he know that this is not his chance to just be free and keep kissing random people and he insists that he already saw there’s nothing there for him, that it wasn’t worth it. over and over again. i could move in form this cause i get the pressures put into a relationship sometimes are too much and monogamy is a whole issue by itself. maybe you’re right. but i wanna try and give just one more chance. no more than that 

[Kwothe28]

There is no love there. He cheated and you are contamplating to sleep around just so you could "experience things". That is a horrible way for somebody who wants a relationship.

Its OK, that is what college years are to many people. It was your first relationship and you want to know what is out there. So, you both do just that. There is no need to keep the relationship going if you both want to know what else is out there. 

[Rose Mosse]

I don’t see how you can get back together with someone wholeheartedly if you’re thinking you’re missing out in some way or felt you haven’t lived or dated enough. 

On/off relationships are chaotic and disrespectful. You’re both extremely young so I don’t blame you both for having no reference and feeling hurt and confused. I will say, OP, in all the years of relationships, a marriage and divorce I have never experienced or done to someone what you and your bf have done to one another. It’s beyond exceptionally dysfunctional. You’re both intentionally and willfully destroying one another. 

[DarkCh0c0]

OP if you love him, it doesn't mean you need to go back to him. Part of the break up is processing these feelings and moving on to other things and people in your life.

+What he did to you was selfish and him going back to you begging doesn't mean he won't do it again. He might just want you as gf and yet sleep around. He wants to have his cake and eat it too. But in real life, he can't have both.

Same for you.

So free yourself and go on and have fun as a single lady. You two were young and had a good time, but now you're growing and need to separate. End this toxic cycle and move on to better things. Block him so that you can move on. It's hard, but you'll be okay.

[Jibralta]

1 hour ago, Rose Mosse said:

I don’t see how you can get back together with someone wholeheartedly if you’re thinking you’re missing out in some way or felt you haven’t lived or dated enough. 

On/off relationships are chaotic and disrespectful. You’re both extremely young so I don’t blame you both for having no reference and feeling hurt and confused. I will say, OP, in all the years of relationships, a marriage and divorce I have never experienced or done to someone what you and your bf have done to one another. It’s beyond exceptionally dysfunctional. You’re both intentionally and willfully destroying one another. 

I agree 100%. 

I totally understand being young, inexperienced, and curious. I've been there myself. But I never treated another person this way. I always broke it off when I felt the urge to stray in some way. It's totally unnecessary and unfair to drag each other around like this.

[melancholy123]

Surely you know two wrongs don't make a right.

Stay broken up, you guys are far too young to be trying to stay in a long term relationship.  You both need to get out and explore the world.  

[Jaunty]

Clearly it's time to part.  Be free.  

[MissCanuck]

You two have outgrown each other, and it's time to let go. 

This has been too badly damaged to recover from, but it is indeed your sign that you both need to move on from each other. It's become unhealthy and dysfunctional. 

 

[SooSad33]

6 hours ago, throwaway222 said:

What if i get to forgive him and get into a new relationship and I never got the chance to experiment as he did? I’m thinking that maybe just for one night i wanna do the same he did. I know it won’t mean anything. I’m sure I’ll just wanna go back to him in the end of the day. But I need to do it because of not, i think im always gonna be the one with the tiny voice inside my head that says: how does it feel?

Wait, I thought you said you already did it?

Beleive me, you acting out now in a similar manner will NOT make YOU feel any better.

You already broke it off with him.. damage has been done on both your parts.. Then be done now.

And, it will not make anything better when it comes to him.  It will just make more problems.

 What you are at this time is feeling upset, anger, etc.  Normal reaction.. so now you want to 'act our of haste'.. all due to your feelings at this time - it will change. So do not act out of these emotions.

I say you walk away with what self respect you've still got. And you two lick your wounds and just be done!

No dragging it on.. no acts of revenge. Nothing!

I say this relationship is done.

 

[catfeeder]

You both sound bored, so you're stirring up unnecessary drama.

It's not just about doing whatever you did, but you both went straight to the other and told.

If either of you really wanted to preserve the relationship, that's the last thing you would have done.

Top that off with a punitive breakup? Makes no sense.

Do whatever you want, but don't go back and rub his nose in it. That's not 'honest,' it's manipulative.

I'd keep the breakup and start learning about normal development for your age rather than squelching that growth by clinging to a premature relationship you've both outgrown.

[indea08]

All I will say is, if you continue to drag this relationship further through the dirt, you will ruin any chance of friendship or more in the future after you’ve both experienced some life and lessons, separately.

[Lambert]

I think you should break up and go your separate ways. For many reasons but the main one being you already feel like you've missed out on things. Those feelings will only grow as you move past your youth. 

Some people do meet their person, very young and it lasts.  It's very common in my family and town. But what those couples have that you don't? they don't feel like they missed out on anything. They don't care about what else is out there. 

It's common to be afraid to break up with someone and fear you won't find better. But you can't have your cake and eat it, too. Those manipulations and bargains destroy the relationship in the long run.  

Sorry.  You guys are just too young to be so serious. And these actions his and yours prove it.

You'll see in time. 

[Betterwithout]

Reading between the lines, albeit with no judgement, I think it's best that you not stay or enter into a new relationship for a while.  It's not the time to be serious with someone at your age.  Maybe in 5 -10 years.

[smackie9]

Just say no to getting back together. He doesn't need to know your plans to experiment because it's none of his business. You are young and you need your freedom now...don't waste anymore time on him.