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Me (21F) and my boyfriend (22M) have been together for six years. Started pretty young and I think that ***ed us over on the long run but wouldn’t change a thing about it tbh. Our relationship has always been my rock; we both had pretty unusual and sometimes bad relationships with our families and struggled a bit with friendships (him wayyyy more than me since we started college but anyways). The guy is my best friend, my family, a great partner. I can count with my fingers the times we have argued and have fingers left on both hands. He’s made my life easier, better, he made feel loved like nobody else in my life had, especially not my family. Here comes the tricky part. On the last October 2021 (I can’t honestly explain this) but all of a sudden my memories came back to me and i remembered that se eral year ago, when i was 17/18 I developed a habit of sending nudes to strangers on weird apps made to “meet people”. Multiple times, with different people. Honest to everything sacred on this world, I had blocked those memories so hard that I couldn’t believe it had been me. I honestly had lived my life up until that point without remembering any of it, thinking i was a great girlfriend. As confusing as it was, i told him. It was the worst week of my life and to this day i feel like a piece of *** for ever doing that. But he forgave me. He even was nice about it. I went above and beyond to fix it. Started going to my psychologist, became an even better girlfriend, told him about some other things i thought could bother him and we talked it through. He never wanted to break up. We were even happier after this, ironically. I think our best times was after i told him i had been unfaithful. This year, we returned to college campus and due to change of careers and years trying to get in university, this was his first trimester physically attending university classes. He made friends of his own for perhaps, the first time in his late teens/young adult life and we were doing great. He tends to be an incredibly shy and quiet person, and truly struggles with socializing in any way. He has told me he envied me for getting into college so early and seeing me live my life normally and even popularly between my classmates and other random groups of people. But we were fine, he introduced me to many of his friends, go out drinking with them, hang out, etc. That, until last week he called me to tell me the night before he had gone to a party and cheated on me while being out of his mind drunk. Multiple times, with different people. But his wrongs were real, not virtual, like mine. He’s remorseful and has already stated go seek psychological help, has promised me to never drink again, and told me all the things he would do to make me feel safe enough to come back to a relationship with him, which he said was the number one thing he wanted in his life and that he’s incredibly sorry to have hit rock bottom for him to realize such thing. He’s also told me his reasoning behind it: he was all alone in a party (friend stood him up), so incredibly drunk and for the first time in his life socializing with complete strangers easily that he wanted to enjoy the night completely and wanted to shake that feeling of wanting to know what it’s like to be with other people; because he knew we wanted to be with me forever but the thought both scared and enticed him. He wanted a chance to see for himself. And when one girl gave pecks to half the party, he said: ive done a horrible thing already, there is no point in stopping now. So there were pecks, making out and some sexual stuff that night. He told me the next day bawling his eyes out and has asked me for a second chance ever since. I remember thinking: wow, i understand what he’s going through, cause i’ve been there. But, I broke up with him out of need of self respect. This is just a mere formality, because, as I told him, i needed I made him explain to me in excruciating detail how everything had happened and told him some of my deepest, darkest thoughts about this whole situation. Told him he disgusted me. Told him I wasn’t sure of wanting to come back to a relationship ever again. Implied that if i failed my classes, it was going to be because of this. He battled through all of it and still does. There are some things that still make my blood boil because i don’t think he’s ready for everything that he needs to do to gain my trust back. But deep down i wanna give him a second chance and i want to forgive and forget and move in eve cause i know i’m capable and because I GET IT, i get why he didi it, i’ve had the same thoughts, even acted upon them as well (as stated above). This is all stuff he knows: i’m mad, we’ve broken up, he’ll have to put an effort in winning me back and i see a chance in us getting back together but only if that effort is made. He has started but there is stuff that still needs work. But now i’m thinking… What if i get to forgive him and get into a new relationship and I never got the chance to experiment as he did? I’m thinking that maybe just for one night i wanna do the same he did. I know it won’t mean anything. I’m sure I’ll just wanna go back to him in the end of the day. But I need to do it because of not, i think im always gonna be the one with the tiny voice inside my head that says: how does it feel? and, why does he get to know and enjoy the relationship but you don’t? After all, after i send nudes to strangers on the internet i was trying to soothe the same urge in a more distant way, in my point of view. I’m thinking about telling him next time we see each other, since we’re broken-but-with-hopes-of-getting-back-together. But i’m also doubting this- what if he says no? What if he says yes but then is unable to move on in a relationship with me because of this? Truth be said, I am also terribly afraid of loosing him. But I also don’t wanna miss out, I don’t wanna feel stupid! It’s just as immature as it sounds, but if i’m not real with my feelings I will resent him forever. I wanna move on, I do, but I think this is the way to address the need to explore and experiment even when the best match, soulmate if you may, it’s present from such an early age. But also- haven’t i already done this? My incident with nudes to strangers is no little feat. I don’t know what to do… I want both reconciliation but in a way, to be fair and square with each other. TL;DR: (21F) Forgot I had sent nudes to multiple strangers on the internet years ago, told boyfriend (22M) of six years only last year; he forgave my cheating. Fast forward this year; he cheats in a party with multiple people. Want to give him a second chance but asked for a breakup with hopes of getting back together. Thinking about telling him that I also wanna make out with other people as he did but scared that that may cost me out shot at being together ever again. Also scared that if i don’t do it, i’ll be in another long relationship always wondering and resenting that he did got to know what it feels like.