Am I dating a narcissist??

[Stevie15]

Hiya all

I'm in a relationship with a guy and I am starting to suspect that something is not right. I've had suspicions about it before and thought it was 'just his personality' but now I am wondering if there is something underlying? Is he a narcissist? 

He seems to love himself a lot and have a very high opinion of himself in general. If I ask him what he loves about me, he tends to dodge the question or simply say 'Do you want a list?'. He will then add on 'I don't ask you what you love about me but then again I don't need to because I'm me. I'm brilliant'. He also tells me I won't find a man like him because they don't exist. They don't look as good, don't do things as well as him or listen like him (even though he doesn't). He doesn't ask about work, about my health appointments and most of the time forgets, I tell him I passed a major exam at work and still nothing. 

I never really know where I stand with him. He will make plans and then say he hasn't got time to do them. If I get mad or upset he just says tough, he has things to do. On occassion, he has given in and just gone ahead with our plans but then he throws them in my face at a later interval. We don't make many plans but when we do, it never involves a whole day together. He always has things to do. We don't go for meals, he doesn't go for drinks (but he will go for drinks with friends). 

I know he puts on a front with people. He will be nice infront of my friends but as soon as we are behind closed doors, the nastiness and sarcasm starts. If at challenge him about things he has done wrong, he will say I'm causing trouble and looking for excuses to argue. He will sit and grin whilst again, being sarcastic. 

He finds no problem picking my faults. He complains I'm always late. For example, a few months ago we had plans to meet. I told him I was running late as I was given a very much needed Dr's office app last minute. He said ok but as soon as we argue, he throws it in my face. ' I expected you here at 6. You arrived at 6.10', then persisted to lie down on the floor and say he was napping because he got tired waiting around. 

 

I'd like to add he uses fear and guilt a lot too. So he'll say that by causing trouble (which I don't, I merely ask why he isn't open with me, makes a big deal about things, doesn't want to spend time with me etc), I'm putting roots down in his head to make him think we are incompatible and he can do better and if I continue to go on, I'm watering those roots. He says 'I really hadn't ought do that for my own good. Being the good little rope jumper I am. I end up apologising and saying it won't happen again. He will make me suffer for a few days and then it seems OK again. 

Maybe I'm imagining it but this can't can't normal behaviour right? 

 

 

[Wiseman2]

6 minutes ago, Stevie15 said:

...then persisted to lie down on the floor and say he was napping because he got tired waiting around. 

My diagnosis is run-of-the-mill bozo 🤡.

How old is he? How long have you been dating?

Cut your losses. "Jerk" is not in the DSM.

[DarkCh0c0]

Omg, RUN, RUN, RUN.

He has red flags of the size of China. Trust your gut and the signs. This is who is and this is how he likes to treat you and you'll be treated in the long term.

He's a selfish non-caring jerk who does not see you as an equal partner in life and does not treat you right. He is just full of himself!!

20 minutes ago, Stevie15 said:

He will be nice infront of my friends but as soon as we are behind closed doors, the nastiness and sarcasm starts.

And, That^ He surely has narcissist and abusive tendencies. And let me guess, he appeared all charming at the beginning and everyone seems to love him leaving you confused in your own thoughts?

RUN and don't look back. You don't deserve this. You deserve a man who will make you feel special and loved. Nothing less!

[DarkCh0c0]

24 minutes ago, Stevie15 said:

Maybe I'm imagining it but this can't can't normal behaviour right? 

Right. 100% Right.

The way you feel is your key to action here. And the confusion means you have received conflicting signals from him and he's slowly revealing his subtle abuse.

Here's a very good resource: https://booktrib.com/2018/04/10/interview-avery-neal-emotional-abuse/

[Kwothe28]

Well, he does sound like a textbook example. Self-obsessed, doesnt care about you or your needs, uses manipulation and gaslighting frequently etc. So I would say there is a high probability of that.

[MissCanuck]

Whether or not he is narcissist in the clinical sense is anyone's guess. 

But he has no respect for you and seems to barely even like you. What are you still doing there? I would have seen myself out the moment that behaviour started. 

[reinventmyself]

Do you need a label on it to decide whether or not he's worth another moment of your valuable time?
Instead of focusing on his behavior, take a step back and figure out what you deserve and whether this is meeting your needs.

He's jerk.  That's all you need to know.  And it doesn't appear that he cares for you all that much.  Narcissist or not, he isn't interested in you or your life and doesn't make time for you.  That's all you need to know.

Believe you deserve better.

[Rose Mosse]

I don’t think either of you treat each other well. Why are you finding fault with him instead of dumping his sorry @ss. Nobody likes being nitpicked even pompous you know whats. If you don’t like him that much end it and free yourself.

[Stevie15]

2 hours ago, Rose Mosse said:

I don’t think either of you treat each other well. Why are you finding fault with him instead of dumping his sorry @ss. Nobody likes being nitpicked even pompous you know whats. If you don’t like him that much end it and free yourself.

In defence of myself, I do treat him well. I am forever complimenting him and I have never ever pointed out any fault with him. I have only ever asked about his behaviour WHEN he has been behaving in such a way because it confuses me. I certainly don't nitpick. Quite the opposite. 

Approaching the forum here and asking is just for my knowledge so I can understand a bit better

[Batya33]

4 minutes ago, Stevie15 said:

In defence of myself, I do treat him well. I am forever complimenting him and I have never ever pointed out any fault with him. I have only ever asked about his behaviour WHEN he has been behaving in such a way because it confuses me. I certainly don't nitpick. Quite the opposite. 

Approaching the forum here and asking is just for my knowledge so I can understand a bit better

Why do you need to know if a psychiatrist would diagnose him as a narcissist or any other mental disorder? All you need to know is that he does not interact with you in a respectful, thoughtful, or compassionate way.  Knowing that does his behavior meet your standards for how you feel you deserve to be treated by a human being you are in a close relationship with? Answer that for yourself and leave the analysis to the professionals.  You don't need a diagnosis to figure out whether someone meets your values and standards for a relationship.

[tattoobunnie]

6 hours ago, Stevie15 said:

If I ask him what he loves about me, he tends to dodge the question or simply say 'Do you want a list?'. ... He also tells me I won't find a man like him because they don't exist. They don't look as good, don't do things as well as him or listen like him (even though he doesn't).

He will make plans and then say he hasn't got time to do them. If I get mad or upset he just says tough, he has things to do. We don't go for meals, he doesn't go for drinks.

He will be nice infront of my friends but as soon as we are behind closed doors, the nastiness and sarcasm starts. If at challenge him about things he has done wrong, he will say I'm causing trouble and looking for excuses to argue. 

He finds no problem picking my faults. 

I'd like to add he uses fear and guilt a lot too.  

One, he's a textbook narcissist.  And two, a super boring lame one to boot.  At least some will wine and dine you before they start gaslighting you into the fetal position.  RUNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!  If you can between falling asleep at how lame he is.

[smackie9]

narcissist or not, he's a jerk and I can't imagine why you would let his behavior towards you let slide. Dump this chump. 

[boltnrun]

Another relevant question is, how would you classify a person who continues to take the kind of abuse this man hands out? 

Why do you stay and accept his abuse? The classic excuses are "he was so sweet in the beginning", "we have a lot in common", "he's not always like this", "we've been together X number of years and I don't want it to be for nothing" and my personal favorites, "but I LOVE him!!!" or "I'm afraid to be 'alone'".

Right now the person making you miserable is you because you keep going back for more.

I'd tell Mr. Brilliant and Perfect he can go be brilliant and perfect all by himself because I'm taking my imperfect and dull self somewhere far away from him.

[gamon]

Narcissist is just a label. No one can give you a specific diagnosis other than a certified medical/mental health professional that has counseled him.

The term is way overused, seems to me that just about everyone's ex is a narcissist, including their ex.

Doesn't matter, this guy should be avoided at all costs whatever he is.

It's rather surprising that you put up with him.

 

[Kwothe28]

2 hours ago, Stevie15 said:

I am forever complimenting him and I have never ever pointed out any fault with him.

 

Quote

Your needs won’t be fulfilled (or even recognized). It’s important to remember that narcissists aren’t looking for partners; they’re looking for obedient admirers. Your sole value to the narcissist is as someone who can tell them how great they are to prop up their insatiable ego. Your desires and feelings don’t count.

 

https://www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-disorders/narcissistic-personality-disorder.htm

There is a pretty good guide what to do. I suggest you study it.

[DancingFool]

2 hours ago, Stevie15 said:

In defence of myself, I do treat him well. I am forever complimenting him and I have never ever pointed out any fault with him. I have only ever asked about his behaviour WHEN he has been behaving in such a way because it confuses me. I certainly don't nitpick. Quite the opposite. 

Approaching the forum here and asking is just for my knowledge so I can understand a bit better

So why do you treat so well someone who treats you so poorly????!!!!!

Do you think that if you treat someone well enough, that surely they will appreciate you and do the same for you? That ONLY works with a person who is like you. This guy is showing you with everything he has that he is NOT like you. To put it simply, he is a raging a hole and you cannot nice him into being a good person who will treat you like you want to be treated. He is not going to change.

The harsh lesson here is that if you want to be treated well, you need to find a man who will just do so consistently over time all on his own without any input or coaxing from you. 

Learn to walk away from a holes. You don't need to diagnose just what kind of an a hole they really are. The fact that he is not treating you well is enough.

[Wiseman2]

He's abusive. It's that simple. That's not a mental health problem, that a choice. Training you like an obedient submissive slave for his ego.

Run. That's your best option. 

See a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

It may help you understand why you got into this dynamic with someone like this and persisted despite the red flags 🚩.

[Rose Mosse]

22 hours ago, Stevie15 said:

In defence of myself, I do treat him well. I am forever complimenting him and I have never ever pointed out any fault with him. I have only ever asked about his behaviour WHEN he has been behaving in such a way because it confuses me. I certainly don't nitpick. Quite the opposite. 

Approaching the forum here and asking is just for my knowledge so I can understand a bit better

You have the knowledge. He doesn’t treat you well. End the relationship and don’t stay with someone who treats you this way. 

People who abuse, use, have blatant disregard for others, are inconsistent, hot/cold are all bad news. Learn to check the signs as plenty of them will have good days and loving sides. Just remove yourself and don’t stay.

[Lambert]

Why are you with this guy? He's treating you horribly.

[Whatsthescoop]

What do you want, value, think that you deserve? The way that you believe in yourself sets the standard for the way that other's believe in you. People treat us the way that we allow them to treat us - the behavior that we are accepting from them. 

Clearly, you do not wish to be treated this way, but his behavior is being accepted, whether you know it deep down or not. Being a Narcissist is neither here nor there. We don't change people, right? All that we can do is change our own outcome in life. 

From what I've read, this guy is unstable, cruel, extremely abusive, insecure, has his own interest at heart (definitely not yours) - the list goes on. 

Perhaps ask yourself one question, "Is this the way that I would like to be treated indefinitely?"

Personally, I would take flight and never, ever look back. Nobody deserves such behavior. Nobody.

[Stevie15]

On 4/18/2022 at 11:42 AM, DarkCh0c0 said:

Omg, RUN, RUN, RUN.

He has red flags of the size of China. Trust your gut and the signs. This is who is and this is how he likes to treat you and you'll be treated in the long term.

He's a selfish non-caring jerk who does not see you as an equal partner in life and does not treat you right. He is just full of himself!!

And, That^ He surely has narcissist and abusive tendencies. And let me guess, he appeared all charming at the beginning and everyone seems to love him leaving you confused in your own thoughts?

RUN and don't look back. You don't deserve this. You deserve a man who will make you feel special and loved. Nothing less!

Spot on.

I am confused.

He has lots of friends, though I have only met one. I have seen interactions on Instagram and other SM and he gets invited places a lot. He has a few really close friends and you're right. I'm confused.I do trick myself thinking how has he got all these friends if he is so bad? 

What can I see that they cant or vice versa?

[Batya33]

3 minutes ago, Stevie15 said:

Spot on.

I am confused.

He has lots of friends, though I have only met one. I have seen interactions on Instagram and other SM and he gets invited places a lot. He has a few really close friends and you're right. I'm confused.I do trick myself thinking how has he got all these friends if he is so bad? 

What can I see that they cant or vice versa?

I think it depends in what context they see him, how often, etc.  I know of many people who are kind and charming except within their marriage/with their family, for example.

[Stevie15]

That is very true. 

He says they all turn to him for help and advice and that he is very depended on. 

Thing is, he doesn't make me feel that way you know? Like I could depend on him. 

I went through a hard time a while back related to an issues that had occurred between us weeks before and I asked if we could chat one night. He replied no and that he was busy. He even followed up with a message to say he was busy the rest of the night so couldn't reply. I didn't hear a murmur from him until 24 hours later.

Either his buddies are oblivious or I am. Maybe both in different ways?

[Kwothe28]

8 minutes ago, Stevie15 said:

I am confused.

He has lots of friends, though I have only met one. I have seen interactions on Instagram and other SM and he gets invited places a lot. He has a few really close friends and you're right. I'm confused.I do trick myself thinking how has he got all these friends if he is so bad? 

What can I see that they cant or vice versa?

If he is a narcissist, lots of them are quite charismatic. That means that they have no problem making friends or fans. Sustaining them is another thing. Because sustaining them would actually mean that they should care about friendship and relationships. Which they dont. They need fans. Somebody to awe them, call them to events etc. Friendships would imply that they would have to try over somebody. Like remembering stuff about them or being emphatic. Its not their thing. 

Also, ask yourself why you did meet just one friend. For all this time. Is it because he has many friends or because he has many surface level friendships? So its no wonder somebody who knows him on surface level, cant see the flaws.

Also, also, did you decided to do something about it? Or you are just "venting" for the sake of it?

[Batya33]

6 minutes ago, Stevie15 said:

He says they all turn to him for help and advice and that he is very depended on. 

Maybe that's just his perception.