Am I dating a narcissist??

[boltnrun]

It's actually very simple.

He isn't going to "change".  He sees no need to.  Not only does he have a lot of interactions with people who think he's a great guy, he has you as his fan.  You don't like some things he does yet you stay.  I presume you tell him you love him. Show me where the downside is for him and what would motivate him to "change".

If he's not meeting your needs and you already know for a fact he won't "change", you do have the option of leaving the relationship.  Otherwise, if you choose to stay it needs to be with your eyes wide open and with the realization that you are accepting him the way he is.  Just like if he stays in the relationship it will be with the knowledge that you won't "change" either.

It's entirely up to you what you choose to do.  You're free to do what works best for you.

[Batya33]

8 minutes ago, Stevie15 said:

I don't have insecurities, at least not with myself. I'm quite happy with who I am. 

I chose/choose to talk to him because he is my boyfriend and I felt he was important enough to me to be able to discuss things and rely on him. 

I don't ask him questions about his life unless we are chatting generally and I don't question things he does. I certainly wouldn't dream of looking over his shoulder. It's a breach of privacy.

Yes and it's important to care about someone and give to them including giving space and realizing that it goes both ways- in his view, getting back to you within 24 hours which to me is highly reasonable in response to a vague text that's not urgent is being reliable.  Your expectations are different so find someone who would react just as you expected - if you type that you are feeling down and need a few minutes to chat right then or within less than 24 hours, that person has to respond in your time frame or to you that person is not reliable. 

Often that will mean finding a man who doesn't have any sort of intense career, doesn't have kids, or elderly parents who are unwell, or other types of time sensitive situations in his life because if he has his phone with him and his girlfriend calls and wants to chat a few minutes about feeling down, he should be able to get back to her right away or within a couple of hours -as long as he tells her in no uncertain terms why it's going to take a couple of hours. 

He should step away from whatever he is doing at that time because you are his girlfriend, you called, you know he has his phone with him and it is on and that is what reliable means to you.  Find that person so that you can feel like that person meets your standards.  

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

It's actually very simple.

He isn't going to "change".  He sees no need to.  Not only does he have a lot of interactions with people who think he's a great guy, he has you as his fan.  You don't like some things he does yet you stay.  I presume you tell him you love him. Show me where the downside is for him and what would motivate him to "change".

If he's not meeting your needs and you already know for a fact he won't "change", you do have the option of leaving the relationship.  Otherwise, if you choose to stay it needs to be with your eyes wide open and with the realization that you are accepting him the way he is.  Just like if he stays in the relationship it will be with the knowledge that you won't "change" either.

It's entirely up to you what you choose to do.  You're free to do what works best for you.

Yes -I agree that the rest of what she wrote initially is alarming.  I think her need for him to show he was "reliable" by responding in less than 24 hours is because she already was seeing red flags and looking for a way to justify staying with him -so if he'd dropped everything to chat about how down she was feeling she'd have told herself the red flags were fading. It's an unhealthy dynamic to begin with.

[Stevie15]

4 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Yes and it's important to care about someone and give to them including giving space and realizing that it goes both ways- in his view, getting back to you within 24 hours which to me is highly reasonable in response to a vague text that's not urgent is being reliable.  Your expectations are different so find someone who would react just as you expected - if you type that you are feeling down and need a few minutes to chat right then or within less than 24 hours, that person has to respond in your time frame or to you that person is not reliable. 

Often that will mean finding a man who doesn't have any sort of intense career, doesn't have kids, or elderly parents who are unwell, or other types of time sensitive situations in his life because if he has his phone with him and his girlfriend calls and wants to chat a few minutes about feeling down, he should be able to get back to her right away or within a couple of hours -as long as he tells her in no uncertain terms why it's going to take a couple of hours. 

He should step away from whatever he is doing at that time because you are his girlfriend, you called, you know he has his phone with him and it is on and that is what reliable means to you.  Find that person so that you can feel like that person meets your standards.  

Maybe we have just been raised differently. He has two sisters I have never met so maybe they are the same? I have no cclue.maybe we are just internally different. 

I care deeply about the people in my life and I would do anything at any time for them. 

Maybe it is about perception 

[Batya33]

23 minutes ago, Stevie15 said:

Maybe we have just been raised differently. He has two sisters I have never met so maybe they are the same? I have no cclue.maybe we are just internally different. 

I care deeply about the people in my life and I would do anything at any time for them. 

Maybe it is about perception 

But you are assuming that caring deeply translates into dropping everything to respond to a non-urgent text sharing that you feel down and want to chat "for a few minutes" -but we all know that unless all you want to do is vent it requires a private space to call, and more than a few minutes.  You care deeply but you didn't care -you assumed- about the type of time he had to reply to you ASAP.  You didn't care enough to wait until you could actually see him in person or talk by phone to share about feeling down. 

You didn't care deeply about how he might feel receiving a typed message about you feeling down when he might have been in the middle of something. 

So yes absolutely you care deeply.  I get that.  I do too.  Many people who care deeply also have boundaries.  They also have to take care of themselves.  "Put on your oxygen mask first before helping your child."  Your way of showing you care deeply is if someone texts and says they feel down you will drop everything and call right then. 

Even if you are starving and just sat down to a hot bowl of soup that will get cold, even if you're on an intense work deadline, or your mother is calling on the other line or it means you will run late to meet another friend for coffee. 

Even if you are exhausted from insomnia and were just about to go to bed and you know if you get riled up by a phone call you will not sleep.  Because you care deeply you will show that depth by jumping every time a friend texts "I am feeling down -do you have a few minutes to chat?"  That's fine. 

Someone who puts on their oxygen mask first may care just as deeply and you know what -that person might care even more because that person shows their friends 'I am there for you ASAP if it's an emergency. If it is not I will do my best but I also need to take care of me.  And because I take care of me I'm even better at showing up for you and I don't risk getting resentful or feeling like a martyr."

15 years ago it was my husband's 40th birthday dinner with his parents.  We were bf/gf.  I had to get out to the suburbs when my good friend called.  She was just out of the hospital, alone in her apartment, feeling icky and down.  She asked me to come over. I thought I had time to do both.  But when I got there it wasn't just a few minutes/a half hour because her friend didn't show who was supposed to take my place.  I had no cell phone at that time.  I emailed my boyfriend and he didn't get the email . I knew he'd be with his parents and not waiting alone.  But I didn't want to leave my friend either (physically she was stable-she just didn't feel well). 

So I was late for the bday dinner and my future husband was upset.  My future mother in law followed me into the ladies room because I left the table upset.  She understood the rock and hard place situation.  My husband came around to it too. 

I care deeply too.  I had to make a tough decision.  He felt badly that I didn't show up on time for his birthday dinner.  He felt slighted, disrespected, hurt and his parents were waiting for me too.  He thought since my friend didn't need an ambulance, etc I could have left sooner.  Who knows who is right? So I was late for him -I was unreliable - and I cared deeply about both people. Who was more important?

So yes watch the feet -how someone acts -not the lips -sweet words - but expecting a dating partner to show he "cares deeply" by dropping everything to call you because you type you feel down - understand that those expectations might be a bit unrealistic and you telling yourself that you would because you "care deeply" might not be um accurate, ok?  The other stuff you wrote- he is acting like a jerk.  So you already were looking for things.  

[DarkCh0c0]

4 hours ago, Stevie15 said:

He says they all turn to him for help and advice and that he is very depended on. 

Thing is, he doesn't make me feel that way you know? Like I could depend on him. 

Lol that's my narcassist mom in a nutshell. "Everyone loves me and wants my advice, idk why".

They ask her for relationship advice because the image she gives to people is that she's friendly, chatty, and happy in her life. The truth is she's a depressed angry narcissist who abuses her husband and family and plays victim... It's all about the image though! Outside home it's one face, then at home it's another.

Honestly OP, why do you allow yourself to be treated as such and be associated with a partner like that? You have every damn right to say you're not feeling it and leave. Or RUN if you can.

[Stevie15]

10 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

Lol that's my narcassist mom in a nutshell. "Everyone loves me and wants my advice, idk why".

They ask her for relationship advice because the image she gives to people is that she's friendly, chatty, and happy in her life. The truth is she's a depressed angry narcissist who abuses her husband and family and plays victim... It's all about the image though! Outside home it's one face, then at home it's another.

Honestly OP, why do you allow yourself to be treated as such and be associated with a partner like that? You have every damn right to say you're not feeling it and leave. Or RUN if you can.

So you have first hand experience with this behaviour? 

 

If you don't mind me asking, he do you approach it? 

 

Feel free to drop me a private message if that's possible and more confidential 

[boltnrun]

He's not going to change his behavior because he thinks he's perfect. No matter what you say to him or if you tell him his behavior upsets you. He will see it as your problem, not his.

Can you tolerate his treatment of you forever? 

[DarkCh0c0]

38 minutes ago, Stevie15 said:

So you have first hand experience with this behaviour?

Yep. My mom.

You can't do anything about it. As soon as you spot a narcissist, you must run to the hills and never look back. They don't and won't change and they are all about themselves. They don't take responsibility for their actions, and if they say sorry, they mostly don't mean it. They also lack empathy. They take take take, and when they give it's about themselves and their image only. I keep my mom at arm's lengths personally because of her narcissism.

This should help you understand a narcissist's behaviour: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=px5Ir70jvJ0

[DarkCh0c0]

5 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

No matter what you say to him or if you tell him his behavior upsets you. He will see it as your problem, not his.

Very key. Narcissists are always the victim and blame others for even their own shortcomings. Zero accountability.

OP you don't have to tolerate this. It does not turn out well despite how bad you want this. You need to love yourself more than this man and relationship to leave for your own good.

[boltnrun]

I don't know if this guy is a narcissist. Just because he seems to match some traits doesn't mean he's diagnosable.

He doesn't seem interested in "changing" because apparently he has everything exactly as he wants it. You can talk until you're blue in the face and he will simply disregard your words. In his mind he doesn't have a problem (other than you trying to get him to talk to you about your feelings) so therefore a problem doesn't exist.

Regardless of whether he's diagnosable or not, he treats you poorly and talks down to you and doesn't seem to care about your feelings. For me that would be enough to leave the relationship.