Am I dating a narcissist??

[Batya33]

8 minutes ago, Stevie15 said:

That is very true. 

He says they all turn to him for help and advice and that he is very depended on. 

Thing is, he doesn't make me feel that way you know? Like I could depend on him. 

I went through a hard time a while back related to an issues that had occurred between us weeks before and I asked if we could chat one night. He replied no and that he was busy. He even followed up with a message to say he was busy the rest of the night so couldn't reply. I didn't hear a murmur from him until 24 hours later.

Either his buddies are oblivious or I am. Maybe both in different ways?

Why was 24 hours such a long time to you?

[Stevie15]

5 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Why was 24 hours such a long time to you?

Because it was out of character for him

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, Stevie15 said:

Because it was out of character for him

So he's a narcissist but it's out of character for him to take a day to have time for a proper, non-emergency discussion? How long have you been dating and how many times have you asked him to have a talk about "issues" in your new relationship?

[Stevie15]

7 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Why was 24 hours such a long time to you?

If he was the type that texted every other day or barely at all, then I wouldn't have doubted an eye but he texts regularly throughout thee day so it was unusual.

[Batya33]

Just now, Stevie15 said:

If he was the type that texted every other day or barely at all, then I wouldn't have doubted an eye but he texts regularly throughout thee day so it was unusual.

But you wanted to have a longer conversation -by phone, right? I mean you wouldn't want to type about these important issues you had in mind would you?  Maybe he got tired of texting throughout the day -is that a way you feel develops a strong emotional connection? (I never personally thought so - my husband and I would email a couple of times throughout the day and have a phone call on days we didn't see each other, when we were dating but why have to keep checking in all day and discuss routine details -sounds like that gets stale -maybe it did for him)

[Stevie15]

1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

So he's a narcissist but it's out of character for him to take a day to have time for a proper, non-emergency discussion? How long have you been dating and how many times have you asked him to have a talk about "issues" in your new relationship?

When I say he texts, it can be silly little things like pictures of his pets or memes. He sometimes just sends messages. 

That was what was unusual, that he cut me off when I asked for chat (I never said what about) and then I didn't have any general contact for over the next 24 hours 

[Batya33]

Just now, Stevie15 said:

When I say he texts, it can be silly little things like pictures of his pets or memes. He sometimes just sends messages. 

That was what was unusual, that he cut me off when I asked for chat (I never said what about) and then I didn't have any general contact for over the next 24 hours 

I think that sounds really normal.  Do you feel the need to be in constant contact? He may have needed a smidgen of space.  One day is nothing IMO.

[Stevie15]

1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

But you wanted to have a longer conversation -by phone, right? I mean you wouldn't want to type about these important issues you had in mind would you?  Maybe he got tired of texting throughout the day -is that a way you feel develops a strong emotional connection? (I never personally thought so - my husband and I would email a couple of times throughout the day and have a phone call on days we didn't see each other, when we were dating but why have to keep checking in all day and discuss routine details -sounds like that gets stale -maybe it did for him)

Its him that initiates though. He chose to call every day. He chose to text that way. I never asked him to or expected him to. 

When somebody does that of their own choosing and then just stops after you ask them for a few minutes of their time because you are feeling a bit down, it is almost as though they don't want to know or don't care.

[Stevie15]

2 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I think that sounds really normal.  Do you feel the need to be in constant contact? He may have needed a smidgen of space.  One day is nothing IMO.

It may sound normal but not when this person is constantly texting and calls and then just stops for no apparent reason. 

 

That's the point I'm making. 

[Stevie15]

3 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I think that sounds really normal.  Do you feel the need to be in constant contact? He may have needed a smidgen of space.  One day is nothing IMO.

As I said, I never initiated that. 

He did. 

It was only after I said I felt down and needed a chat that he backed off. 

 

Almost like he couldn't take the time out for me. 

 

[Batya33]

Just now, Stevie15 said:

It may sound normal but not when this person is constantly texting and calls and then just stops for no apparent reason. 

 

That's the point I'm making. 

Well no it's apples and oranges -you chose to type a very serious "we need to talk" message -instead of waiting till you could call him - and you wanted to have a full discussion.  Perhaps he could have typed back that this felt weird to get a text like that and he didn't have that sort of time till tomorrow - but he didn't -he showed you his discomfort with your choice to text and ask for his time for a "talk" by taking some space.  Perhaps save serious issues for in person or a phone call.

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, Stevie15 said:

As I said, I never initiated that. 

He did. 

It was only after I said I felt down and needed a chat that he backed off. 

 

Almost like he couldn't take the time out for me. 

 

But he's not your mom or your therapist and we all feel down once in awhile and you were blaming him in part for feeling down.  He may have needed time to process all that since you texted this instead of considering his feelings and perhaps waiting for a time you were together when the time was right to bring up issues.  It's not his job to drop everything because you're feeling down and text him to tell him.  If you texted "I am on the way to the ER - could you please meet me there" that would be different especially if he wasn't at work and could get there.

[Stevie15]

Just now, Batya33 said:

Well no it's apples and oranges -you chose to type a very serious "we need to talk" message -instead of waiting till you could call him - and you wanted to have a full discussion.  Perhaps he could have typed back that this felt weird to get a text like that and he didn't have that sort of time till tomorrow - but he didn't -he showed you his discomfort with your choice to text and ask for his time for a "talk" by taking some space.  Perhaps save serious issues for in person or a phone call.

I never said to him I wanted to chat about issues nor did I say it was anything serious. 

I just asked had he got a few minutes for a chat as I felt a little down. 

From his view, it could have been about something totally unrelated to him. 

At the end of the day, if he was feeling down, I'd give him my time if he asked.

He calls his buddies when he knows they are having a hard time. Why should I be any different?

[Batya33]

3 minutes ago, Stevie15 said:

As I said, I never initiated that. 

He did. 

It was only after I said I felt down and needed a chat that he backed off. 

 

Almost like he couldn't take the time out for me. 

 

If someone initiates constant texting you don't have to go along with it.  I wouldn't. I think it makes a new relationship quickly stale and is more like a chat buddy "see what I ate for lunch/I got wordle in 2 tries!" kind of thing.

[Stevie15]

1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

If someone initiates constant texting you don't have to go along with it.  I wouldn't. I think it makes a new relationship quickly stale and is more like a chat buddy "see what I ate for lunch/I got wordle in 2 tries!" kind of thing.

If I don't answer, he doesn't like it and asks why

[Batya33]

Just now, Stevie15 said:

I never said to him I wanted to chat about issues nor did I say it was anything serious. 

I just asked had he got a few minutes for a chat as I felt a little down. 

From his view, it could have been about something totally unrelated to him. 

At the end of the day, if he was feeling down, I'd give him my time if he asked.

He calls his buddies when he knows they are having a hard time. Why should I be any different?

Oh that's not what you wrote above.  And someone who is feeling down often needs more than a few minutes.  How you would react is not the right test and you don't know how often he calls his buddies, how often they ask, how much time he takes to respond.  You're playing a comparison game that doesn't really make sense (at least to me).  He did not have time right then. He did one day later.  It was not an emergency.  Possibly were you testing him to see how long it would take to respond?

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, Stevie15 said:

If I don't answer, he doesn't like it and asks why

"Because I'd prefer to talk in person!"

[Batya33]

33 minutes ago, Stevie15 said:

I went through a hard time a while back related to an issues that had occurred between us weeks before and I asked if we could chat one night. He replied no and that he was busy. He even followed up with a message to say he was busy the rest of the night so couldn't reply.

Why weren't you clear that it was related to him? Why did you type this instead of wait to talk in person?  This had happened weeks before and somehow you thought about it again and because you thought about it he was supposed to be available right then to talk about it.

It's nice he replied that night to check in and say he was busy -that was thoughtful of him.  Sometimes when we feel down it doesn't mean a friend or partner can drop everything to chat right then.  Even given technology.  

[Stevie15]

1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

Oh that's not what you wrote above.  And someone who is feeling down often needs more than a few minutes.  How you would react is not the right test and you don't know how often he calls his buddies, how often they ask, how much time he takes to respond.  You're playing a comparison game that doesn't really make sense (at least to me).  He did not have time right then. He did one day later.  It was not an emergency.  Possibly were you testing him to see how long it would take to respond?

Not at all. 

I genuinely felt low and wanted a chat. 

It's hard to make people understand the angle I am coming from. 

If he was busy he could have said something like 'I can't talk now but we'll tall tomorrow'.

 

There was nothing. Just I'm busy and then a follow-up saying he couldn't reply for the rest of the night. 

I know him. His phone is never out of his pants and it only has to bleep and he's on it. 

 

I have seen him drop a lot of things to reply to people who have asked him for a few moments. This is the point and it's hurtful knowing he will do it for them without question but I was swept aside. Not even a text later to ask how I was feeling. 

When we did speak, he didn't even acknowledge it. Never asked then if I was OK or feeling better.

 

There never is

[Stevie15]

3 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Why weren't you clear that it was related to him? Why did you type this instead of wait to talk in person?  This had happened weeks before and somehow you thought about it again and because you thought about it he was supposed to be available right then to talk about it.

It's nice he replied that night to check in and say he was busy -that was thoughtful of him.  Sometimes when we feel down it doesn't mean a friend or partner can drop everything to chat right then.  Even given technology.  

It wasn't thoughtful. 

 

He only replied that way to stop me calling or texting him again 

[Batya33]

My assessment -you and he want very different types of interactions.  You want to be reassured that your partner is there for you at the drop of a hat when you feel down or sad or whatever.  You want to be reassured that you are being treated as well or better than how you perceive the person is with his friends. 

This kind of need for reassurance is tough on a lot of people I find. And it seems he enjoyed texting with you in a fun lighthearted way (and you say you just went along with it because you didn't want to be honest with him about why you were not responding right away) but he didn't care to text about serious stuff and he didn't think he needed to drop everything to call you "for a few minutes" so you could share how you were down about something -he was left in the dark as to what it had to do with. 

He has friends, likely a job, a life and he very well may be self centered but he also might be distancing himself from your need for reassurance - whether express or implied.  You don't trust that he is there for you in a way that meets your standards and that's not a good feeling on his end -it comes across to him in your interactions.  

[Batya33]

6 minutes ago, Stevie15 said:

Not at all. 

I genuinely felt low and wanted a chat. 

It's hard to make people understand the angle I am coming from. 

If he was busy he could have said something like 'I can't talk now but we'll tall tomorrow'.

 

There was nothing. Just I'm busy and then a follow-up saying he couldn't reply for the rest of the night. 

I know him. His phone is never out of his pants and it only has to bleep and he's on it. 

 

I have seen him drop a lot of things to reply to people who have asked him for a few moments. This is the point and it's hurtful knowing he will do it for them without question but I was swept aside. Not even a text later to ask how I was feeling. 

When we did speak, he didn't even acknowledge it. Never asked then if I was OK or feeling better.

 

There never is

That's a lot to put on a new dating partner -don't you have others you can talk to? Why are you comparing how he acted at a different time with a different person? Your insecurities are fairly intense, no? You remind me of the guy I was dating for about a month who peered into my purse when I opened it, saw a couple of business cards and asked me "politely" why I had all those cards when -as he remembered - I'd told him I wasn't a fan of networking -or some nonsense like that.  One example of a couple where I felt under a microscope, being tested.  He might feel like you're testing him to check whether he'll jump as high for you as you perceive he jumps for his friends.

Just because someone has their phone doesn't require them to take a call or respond to a text. I always have my phone especially when my son is in school.  And I don't respond to texts if I'm preparing a meal/eating a meal/or simply am not in the mood to chat unless it's an emergency or to make/confirm a plan. 

If my friend wrote to me that she's feeling down and I knew what it was about and also knew it was out of character for her I'd do my best but I don't have the sort of life where I can drop everything at any time just because I have my phone near me. Does he? Do you need to have that sort of person in your life? 

[Batya33]

7 minutes ago, Stevie15 said:

It wasn't thoughtful. 

 

He only replied that way to stop me calling or texting him again 

Yes. My sense is that this wasn't the first time he'd received a text from you asking for his time to help you feel better.  Or to reassure you.  Or check in with you to reassure you.

[Stevie15]

3 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

That's a lot to put on a new dating partner -don't you have others you can talk to? Why are you comparing how he acted at a different time with a different person? Your insecurities are fairly intense, no? You remind me of the guy I was dating for about a month who peered into my purse when I opened it, saw a couple of business cards and asked me "politely" why I had all those cards when -as he remembered - I'd told him I wasn't a fan of networking -or some nonsense like that.  One example of a couple where I felt under a microscope, being tested.  He might feel like you're testing him to check whether he'll jump as high for you as you perceive he jumps for his friends.

I don't have insecurities, at least not with myself. I'm quite happy with who I am. 

I chose/choose to talk to him because he is my boyfriend and I felt he was important enough to me to be able to discuss things and rely on him. 

I don't ask him questions about his life unless we are chatting generally and I don't question things he does. I certainly wouldn't dream of looking over his shoulder. It's a breach of privacy.

[Stevie15]

4 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Yes. My sense is that this wasn't the first time he'd received a text from you asking for his time to help you feel better.  Or to reassure you.  Or check in with you to reassure you.

Actually it was. 

I've spoken to him about things personal to me before but only when the conversation has gone down that route. 

Id never asked persa