Girlfriend pressuring us to get married

[triceps]

Been dating this girl for close to 1 year, she moved in my place 3 months ago. She was supposed to just stay with me 1-2 months but her nation's border shutdown. She doesn't have a work visa so she can't work. So, it may take a year for her to be able to work or we talked about marriage possibly to make the process quicker. 

Some red flags are that I pay for everything financially now and I own a condo but it's not paid off. She said a pre-nup where I can keep ownership of my place until we officially buy a house together makes her feel like I'm scared and selfish to get married. She also said if her ex who is very rich wanted to apologize and want a family with her, then she would leave me for him. Her future is not settled but she says she is ready to settle with someone.

This came up last week and today she's kind of pressuring me like saying she doesn't want to waste time in a relationship without a goal. And, she says what difference does it make getting married now or a year from now.

I want to get married one day but I feel it is too soon to give everything up for her now because it is most convenient for her work status. I also want us to be in a better place together financially beforehand and give a proper wedding. I let her know how I feel about things but she still wants to get married in the very near future and I don't want to regret something.

[Seraphim]

Don’t do it . If someone says they would run off with someone else…. Nah, they don’t want to marry you and don’t love you. They want an ATM machine . 

[bluecastle]

19 minutes ago, triceps said:

She also said if her ex who is very rich wanted to apologize and want a family with her, then she would leave me for him.

This would be all I needed to hear to know it was time to walk away, not propose. 

[boltnrun]

Do you view marriage as being for life? Or do you think it's just temporary, something you do for a while until you don't want to be married anymore?

[triceps]

47 minutes ago, bluecastle said:

This would be all I needed to hear to know it was time to walk away, not propose. 

This is my thought too that i expressed as she's had real trouble getting over her last relationship even though logically she says it's over, but she's still there emotionally. I want someone fully devoted to me like I am to them and I take marriage as a life commitment.

[DarkCh0c0]

1 hour ago, triceps said:

She also said if her ex who is very rich wanted to apologize and want a family with her, then she would leave me for him

How dare she say this while being with you?!

I would have a talk with her and break it off. Don't worry, she's an adult and she will find a way to handle it. Mommy and daddy have her back... And maybe the rich ex.

[MissCanuck]

This woman doesn't want you, as a person. 

She wants your money and to secure a visa that will allow her to remain in your country. 

Don't do it. She is very clearly not with you for the right reasons at all. 

[poorlittlefish]

There are so many red flags in this situation and what's been said. Surely you can see this? She's only interested in staying in the country and she'll use whoever is gullible enough to get what she wants. 

I stupidly married a guy from overseas, but we'd been together for 5 years and he had no objection to signing a pre-nup. When I found out he was cheating 18 months later he got to stay in the country, but I got to keep every penny I owned. The fact she doesn't want one is very telling. 

[Blue_Skirt]

5 hours ago, triceps said:

She said a pre-nup where I can keep ownership of my place until we officially buy a house together makes her feel like I'm scared and selfish to get married. She also said if her ex who is very rich wanted to apologize and want a family with her, then she would leave me for him. Her future is not settled but she says she is ready to settle with someone.

Your condo is yours, even if it is not fully paid for. Protect your assets! There is nothing selfish about it, it is just smart. I always wonder what these kind of women would do if the shoe were on the other foot.

Once she said that she was willing to go back to her ex if he apologized, you should have started helping her pack up her stuff and drive her to her ex.

Make sure YOU are not that “someone” she settles with.

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, triceps said:

Been dating this girl for close to 1 year, she moved in my place 3 months ago. She doesn't have a work visa so she can't work. 

A marriage of convenience is not convenient. It's a fiasco. 

Is this the same woman?:

 

[Batya33]

Agree with all the others.  She is not in love with you and wants to marry you for her own selfish and financial reasons.

[SooSad33]

Noo, noo, I think you agree.. No.

Never jump into something like this!  Red flags, this woman is fully dependent on YOU.

She does not seem to 'love' you properly - for the right reasons or at all,,, you think?

Then never put yourself in such a spot.

Tell her to go do her own thing.  But don't look at you for something like marriage.  She needs to be gone.... go home or back to her 'ex'. Of which none of this should be your problem.

 

 

[triceps]

I think you guys are right, had to make sure I wasn't the crazy one.

[MissCanuck]

12 minutes ago, triceps said:

I think you guys are right, had to make sure I wasn't the crazy one.

I'm wondering why you ever doubted yourself to begin with. 

[Andrina]

On 3/31/2022 at 10:48 PM, triceps said:

She also said if her ex who is very rich wanted to apologize and want a family with her, then she would leave me for him.

Wow, your self-worth is in the gutter for staying, even for a second, after she said this.

Be alone, work on your self-esteem, and don't date until it's where it should be. Otherwise you will continue to be prey to predators in the dating world.

[smackie9]

Tell her it's over then proceed to boot her out. 

[triceps]

I had to end things, but she doesn't want to leave now so I guess I have to go the eviction road. Long story short, she has borderline personality disorder but really crossed the line with a death threat and other things. I can never trust this person again.

[boltnrun]

19 minutes ago, triceps said:

I had to end things, but she doesn't want to leave now so I guess I have to go the eviction road. Long story short, she has borderline personality disorder but really crossed the line with a death threat and other things. I can never trust this person again.

If she's threatening you, you should be able to get the sheriff's department to help you get her out of there.

Thankfully you did not follow through with marrying her.

[jazz_lover]

Entirely predictable that a person who uses pressure to get what she wants would use threats when she doesn't get what she wants. 

[spinstermanquee]

Triceps, God bless and hope you get out of this one unscathed.  Sounds like a dishonorable woman there, not trustworthy and not loving you either.  Perhaps a bit of a user?  As another version of what other posters wiser than me have suggested, pack her bum up and deposit her on the doorstep of the rich ex.  THAT is where she needs to do her penance, period.  In the meantime, chin up ❤️

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, triceps said:

 she doesn't want to leave now so I guess I have to go the eviction road.  crossed the line with a death threat .

Get a restraining order. Then you can have her leave ASAP with a police escort and not have the headaches of eviction.

This also prevents smashed tires, boiled bunnies,etc. Change the locks, install a home security system.

This is not about "never trusting anyone again", this is about a lesson in red flags and cutting your losses sooner.

[Lambert]

13 hours ago, triceps said:

she doesn't want to leave now so I guess I have to go the eviction road

Gosh, OP between the threats to leave you for another guy and this, what were you thinking being with this woman?

I hope you get her out and start to work on yourself.  In what world is this type of person someone to marry? 

Why would you allow yourself to be used and treated this way? Granted you've seen the light.  Thankfully! but you've got some serous thinking,  healing and work to do on yourself so you never let this happen again. 

Start working on your self esteem... get to the bookstore. Look through the psychology & the self exploration sections. Start looking for books that resonate with you fit techniques and tools to improve your self esteem and self worth. 

good luck!  You deserve better!

[spinstermanquee]

I sure wouldn't want to marry a guy I'd have to "pressure" into it, nor would I marry a guy if I were still (even) considering another.  That is just WRONG.  This person has no genuine love going on.

[waffle]

On 3/31/2022 at 10:48 PM, triceps said:

She also said if her ex who is very rich wanted to apologize and want a family with her, then she would leave me for him. Her future is not settled but she says she is ready to settle with someone.

I'm guessing she's a hottie because I can't think of any other reason why you would even consider marriage to her after hearing this.