Best friends girlfriend doesnt want me at their wedding

[JoyceVib]

Hello,

Ive known my best friend since 12 years and we have always been very good friends.

Six years ago he got a girlfriend. I immediately told him I would love to meet her, but when the moment came she told me friend she did not want to meet me and left the house. 

Ive met her two times later on. Ive only be nice to her and showed interest in her as a person. From her side she wasnt nice, didnt want to speak with me and I remember her saying how she had a high education and then that I dont. 

She never wanted to see me again, resulting in me never seeing their house they bought and lived in together for more then 4 years now. Everytime I meet up with my best friend, it resulted in them having a big fight. He mentioned he values our friendship a lot, since we have knows each other for so long and Ive been there for him in a very difficult time. 

Ive been in a relationship for two years now. We do things with the three of us, but even then she doesnt like or want my best friend to meet up with us. 

Yesterday he told me that they are getting married next years. 200 people are invited, also my other friends, but I cant come because she doesnt want me to be there. 

I came here for advice because to be honest Im getting a bit fed up with all the negativity everytime. I care about my friend and want the friendship to last, but it hurts me that I can not be there on his big day and also worries me for the future. Ive only been nice to her so I dont know why she hates me this much. 

PS. According to my friend she has a gossip girl group and they talk bad about me every time they meet up. Also none of them knows me so I wonder how they can come up with new topics to talk about.

What would you do in my situation? I know the issue with the girlfriend wont ever be solved. I asked my friend many times before is she would be open to talk about it but she doesnt. The hate is still there after six years of being together. I also wonder how much this friendship means to my friend after he told me I cant come to the wedding.

[Batya33]

Your friend is putting his future wife first. As he should.  This is not really about her -he could choose to tell her that you are important to him, that her opinions are unfounded and to please give you a chance.  Perhaps she senses on her end that he is attracted to you and feels uncomfortable.  Please stop badgering your friend and be supportive of his marriage.  She obviously is not a fan of you and likely because you are female and he has decided to accommodate her wishes.

Many years ago in the late 90s my male friend who yes I had dated in the past - invited me to his wedding to a woman who kind of had a witchy attitude (with a b) to begin with -about life in general but particularly towards me. But we also got along well enough and had a few mutual acquaintances it turned out.  Years later I met him for dinner on a work night -we worked near each other and his wife was working late-and she was really mad because it was a very long dinner.  100% platonic. 

Looking back -I get it- it likely wasn't appropriate for him to stay out that long with me.  I was probably dating someone seriously at the time but was not married.  After that we only saw each other in person one more time -when I was engaged and pregnant -for lunch.  We've been in sporadic contact on FB.

  I was invited to their home when they had their first child and to a baby naming when they had their second but I was never going to be best buddies with her.  I never -ever -flirted or acted inappropriately in front of her or at any time but at his wedding someone told me in front of others how much I looked like the bride.  Again now that I'm married -I get her discomfort more -but ironically she had a photo album displayed in their apartment years ago containing photos of her with an ex boyfriend.  

My husband and I have always had platonic male and female friends.  We don't really discuss boundaries because we feel basically the same about those unspoken boundaries so there's nothing to discuss.

So all this means -often there is inconsistency but wife comes first when it comes to female friends -with rare exception. Please stop asking him.  Let him be, let him marry his love, let him be happy and at peace and move on. I'm sorry you're disappointed.  

Also you are gossiping too if you talk to your friend about what your friend heard -stay out of it and change the topic.

[JoyceVib]

10 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Your friend is putting his future wife first. As he should.  This is not really about her -he could choose to tell her that you are important to him, that her opinions are unfounded and to please give you a chance.  Perhaps she senses on her end that he is attracted to you and feels uncomfortable.  Please stop badgering your friend and be supportive of his marriage.  She obviously is not a fan of you and likely because you are female and he has decided to accommodate her wishes.

Many years ago in the late 90s my male friend who yes I had dated in the past - invited me to his wedding to a woman who kind of had a witchy attitude (with a b) to begin with -about life in general but particularly towards me. But we also got along well enough and had a few mutual acquaintances it turned out.  Years later I met him for dinner on a work night -we worked near each other and his wife was working late-and she was really mad because it was a very long dinner.  100% platonic. 

Looking back -I get it- it likely wasn't appropriate for him to stay out that long with me.  I was probably dating someone seriously at the time but was not married.  After that we only saw each other in person one more time -when I was engaged and pregnant -for lunch.  We've been in sporadic contact on FB.

  I was invited to their home when they had their first child and to a baby naming when they had their second but I was never going to be best buddies with her.  I never -ever -flirted or acted inappropriately in front of her or at any time but at his wedding someone told me in front of others how much I looked like the bride.  Again now that I'm married -I get her discomfort more -but ironically she had a photo album displayed in their apartment years ago containing photos of her with an ex boyfriend.  

My husband and I have always had platonic male and female friends.  We don't really discuss boundaries because we feel basically the same about those unspoken boundaries so there's nothing to discuss.

So all this means -often there is inconsistency but wife comes first when it comes to female friends -with rare exception. Please stop asking him.  Let him be, let him marry his love, let him be happy and at peace and move on. I'm sorry you're disappointed.  

Also you are gossiping too if you talk to your friend about what your friend heard -stay out of it and change the topic.

I understand your point of view, but I do think I can have an opinion about all of this as well. Is someone really your best friend if you can not even come to the wedding or ever see the house? He wants to remain friends still,  but this is also about how everything makes me feel. Frankly Im also getting tired of all the negativity. Its not bad that he puts her first, but I do think that she is jealous and controlling without me ever given her a reason. I think this is not a good base for a relationship, I would never, but thats me. There are two sides on a coin. I know there is no reasoning with her, but I dont know where I see the friendship with my friend going now. Can that still be a true friendship then?

[Andrina]

36 minutes ago, JoyceVib said:

PS. According to my friend she has a gossip girl group and they talk bad about me every time they meet up. Also none of them knows me so I wonder how they can come up with new topics to talk about.

 

37 minutes ago, JoyceVib said:

Everytime I meet up with my best friend, it resulted in them having a big fight.

There are some people who get off on stirrring the pot and feeding drama. It's possible he likes being in the middle of all this, making him feel important or some other weird psychology.

It's actually quite cruel of him and unnecessary to tell you that others you don't really know are badmouthing you. It'd be a different story if it was for the purpose of benefiting you, such as if you you were pouring energy into a friend who wasn't really a friend and badmouthing you behind your back. That would give you the knowledge to end things for your own good.

Just because a friendship once worked for you doesn't mean that's a given for a lifetime. You have two choices here:

1. Decide the bad outweighs the good now, and it's best to go your separate ways.

2. Make the friendship work again by telling him that when you are hanging out, that you no longer want to hear anything negative from him about you being badmouthed or how he and his wife had a fight because of him hanging out with you. 

[Batya33]

12 minutes ago, JoyceVib said:

I understand your point of view, but I do think I can have an opinion about all of this as well. Is someone really your best friend if you can not even come to the wedding or ever see the house? He wants to remain friends still,  but this is also about how everything makes me feel. Frankly Im also getting tired of all the negativity. Its not bad that he puts her first, but I do think that she is jealous and controlling without me ever given her a reason. I think this is not a good base for a relationship, I would never, but thats me. There are two sides on a coin. I know there is no reasoning with her, but I dont know where I see the friendship with my friend going now. Can that still be a true friendship then?

No.  He has chosen his wife.  Most people would. You can have all the opinions you want but if you want to be respectful and appropriate -stop expressing them to him or sharing your opinions with anyone where it will get back to him or her.  Take the high road.  She might be jealous she might be controlling -or she might not be -but whether or not the bottom line is it is irrelevant.  She is his wife.  The end.  His choice and he has made the choice.  Many people end friendships if it's a choice between the friend and a spouse.  Was he a true friend to you? Yes he was for the time of your friendship.  When he met his future wife he moved on to a different stage where being your friend was not consistent with courting his future wife.

Obviously you shouldn't "reason" with her - if he wants to "reason" with her he will choose to do so and perhaps she would allow the friendship again. He doesn't want to fight that battle.  The two sides is all well and good except you are forgetting that one side takes priority by default. His wife.

It's awesome he puts her first -not just "not bad" -IMO.  

Here's where the friendship likely will go.  You back off.  You don't mention anything about her that's remotely negative or your 'opinion" to anyone at all who might know or know of her.  Let him come to you.  Let him dictate the boundaries.  Accept them.  If you cannot find it in yourself to accept them - leave the friendship.  

Many years ago I was in regular contact with my long term ex platonically.  My future husband was fine with it.  We didn't see each other in person.  Then he met his future wife a few years after we broke up.  I could tell this was going to be serious. So I started to distance myself -he accepted this as -understandably ! -he wanted to make a good impression and not have his future wife wondering about a friendship with an ex.

Soon we completely stopped contact. My friend told me when they got engaged, married.  She reached out to me early in the marriage to meet me -she and I had never been in any contact but even though I had had zero contact with her husband for years (except -his mom contacted me to say she missed me -I responded but in an appropriate way) - she wanted to see me in person as she likely felt insecure.  So we double dated and had a nice time.  I contacted her after to offer to meet for lunch -to reciprocate her treating for brunch -but she never followed up.  We have mutual FB friends and my ex and I are accdidentally connected on LinkedIN  but I never ever have contacted either of them and I never will because I neve ever want her to feel uncomfortable or him.  That's why I have this strong opinion.  This woman likely believes this wasn't just platonic. 

 

[Batya33]

15 minutes ago, Andrina said:

 

There are some people who get off on stirrring the pot and feeding drama. It's possible he likes being in the middle of all this, making him feel important or some other weird psychology.

It's actually quite cruel of him and unnecessary to tell you that others you don't really know are badmouthing you. It'd be a different story if it was for the purpose of benefiting you, such as if you you were pouring energy into a friend who wasn't really a friend and badmouthing you behind your back. That would give you the knowledge to end things for your own good.

Just because a friendship once worked for you doesn't mean that's a given for a lifetime. You have two choices here:

1. Decide the bad outweighs the good now, and it's best to go your separate ways.

2. Make the friendship work again by telling him that when you are hanging out, that you no longer want to hear anything negative from him about you being badmouthed or how he and his wife had a fight because of him hanging out with you. 

Oh I didn't read it that way -I didn't know he was sharing this -I thought mutual friends were - yes that is inconsistent with being a friend -I agree.

Also do not hang out with him unless his wife knows and is totally comfortable.

[Jaunty]

From your description of the situation, this guy is really not your best friend anymore, and he's also kind of a tool to his fiance.   It seems like he enjoys the drama and negativity.  Otherwise he would not tell you about the bad things that his gf and her pals say about you, and he would not tell you about the terrible fights he and his partner have if he spends time with you.

I strongly believe that people can have deep important friendships with members of the other sex and so did my ex wife and my long term current partner.   I would not have it any other way.  But, from being on these boards, I have learned that it's very "normal" for many people to have a hard line against this, and they don't even believe that it's possible.  

Seems like he's chosen to be with a woman who does not believe in opposite sex friendships and he needs to put her first if he plans to spend the rest of his life with her.  Personally I would find that stance to be a complete deal breaker but it's his life, his choice.

 

 

[catfeeder]

1 hour ago, JoyceVib said:

I do think I can have an opinion about all of this as well. Is someone really your best friend if you can not even come to the wedding or ever see the house? He wants to remain friends still,  but this is also about how everything makes me feel.

Very true. So think in terms of your best interests in this. You already have one enemy that you never asked for, provoked or otherwise deserve. So why make it two?

You don't need to be 'best' friends, or even friends with the guy anymore--but I wouldn't burn the bridge. Just stop contacting him, and if he contacts you, you can answer politely and either be unavailable if he invites you out, or simply tell him that you'll always care about him, but it hurts too much to spend time with him given that he needs to hide you from his fiancé or face a fight about it. Then wish him well. From there, chances are you won't need to deal with him again, but you've left your door open should he ever wise up and recognize that a tyrant for a wife isn't something he wants after all.

[TeeDee]

4 hours ago, JoyceVib said:

What would you do in my situation? 

I would call him on the phone & end the friendship.  I would tell him why & how hurt you are.  

I'd say something like this: 

I called to congratulate you on your wedding but I wanted to tell you that not inviting me to your wedding is the last nail in the coffin of the death of our friendship. I'm sick of being excluded & you putting up with it.  I get it, she's your FI but really how horribly you let her treat me these last years & now you doing this, tells me that you don't value our friendship.  Have a nice life.  I'm done.  

Then I'd hang up without giving him the chance to reply. 

You have to know this won't last.  She's sounds like a selfish witch (with a B).  

[MissCanuck]

I think I would keep my distance from this guy. 

The way that his fiancée treats you is not cool, without a doubt. But also? There is really nothing more you can do about it. You have tried, and she isn't receptive. It's causing a deep rift in your friendship, but keep in mind it is him that chooses to continue a relationship with someone who is evidently quite crappy to you. 

That would be enough for me to re-consider this friendship, and realize our values as friends don't really align anymore. 

[Kwothe28]

She is jealous about you and she doesnt want you at the wedding. Which you could argue its her sentiment and that as a bride she has a power to decide who she wants at the wedding and who she doesnt. 

I would be more mad at your so called "best friend". He "wears a slippers" there and she "wears a pants" in that relationship. So that means anything she says, it goes. Its his wedding too and he could demand for you to be there. Unfortunately, he chugs too much soy to be a man and stand up to somebody who doesnt even want his best friend there. But again, that is their dynamic. If he is fine with that, you should accept that too. Just dont count on him in the future as a friend. Because he clearly is not that.

[JoyfulCompany]

The situation is hurtful and I'm sorry. I would've distanced myself from that friend long time ago with no hard feelings. It is what it is - you were once very important to each other but things changed, everyone else made their choices and there's nothing you can do. Leave your judgement aside, let people live their lives as they please and go find the friends you deserve - where you'll feel appreciated, supported, uplifted. Good luck!

[Cherylyn]

I'm sorry you're going through this.  I can somewhat relate as I'm both a friend and a wife.  Sometimes,  the wife feels that the picture is too crowded with the husband's female friends and the husband's friend is out.  The wife will see to that. 🫢 It's the way it is. 

I'll chime in by saying,  it is unfair but that's life.  Many times,  the wife prefers to be exclusive in her husband's life and does not want to share him despite the husband's midst with his female friends,  even his own mother and siblings. 

After work hours,  whatever time and energy is left is for his wife.  Not that I agree but it's not uncommon to have this new dynamic once he's either in a serious relationship or married.

Some spouses whether wives or husbands,  become very insecure and possessive and they'll do whatever it takes to ensure their spouse's associations aren't a threat to their well being.  I've observed this disdainful trait in some relatives of mine.  Again,  there's nothing you can do because the spouse takes precedence.  You are cast aside.

Also,  in your case,  your friend has to pick his battles.  Does he wish to argue about this and defend you or does he prefer to acquiesce in order to keep the peace as he prioritizes his marriage over you?  Most likely,  it's the latter and not the former.  No surprise there.

As for you,  I agree with others.  You have to put yourself in standby mode.  Perhaps he'll come around and initiate meeting you for coffee.  If he decides to drift apart from you and fade away,  this is your cue to lower your expectations to nil and move on.

What you're experiencing is not unusual.  It's the natural course and stages of life.  Not everyone endures.  Friendships ebb and flow.  Some remain and others make their exit.  It happens to the majority of the population.  There is no shock factor. 

[Capricorn3]

10 hours ago, JoyceVib said:

What would you do in my situation? I know the issue with the girlfriend wont ever be solved.  The hate is still there after six years of being together. I also wonder how much this friendship means to my friend after he told me I cant come to the wedding.

What to do? Learn to accept that you have to take a back seat - you are no longer in the picture, so to speak.  He has chosen his wife. Put her first. And you no longer belong there simply because it has been made clear that you are not welcome anymore.  As much as it hurts, you can't change it and you have to learn to accept that times are changing.  His wife doesn't want you around so stop badgering him.  Respect their relationship and start the slow fade.  It is what it is and not much you can do about it.

[Batya33]

I have to say as someone who’s always had platonic male friends I do get the perspective that his behavior - the playing up the drama part - telling her what his fiancée has said - is uncalled for and tacky. That who needs friends like that anyway. I wonder if it’s his passive way of making her go away without him having to say it firmly and transparently. Maybe he’s conflicted.  
I do err on the side though of the OP having unrealistic expectations once a male friend meets his significant other whether spouse or long term or whatever and the very often shifting of priorities.  
Also so often if there’s a big wedding reception so much of the planning is done by the bride and her people - often with the groom’s blessing lol - so it’s not surprising if he has less control over the guest list. And traditionally it’s “her” day. And many brides who choose big parties especially have that perspective to the Nth degree.  

[JoyceVib]

4 hours ago, Capricorn3 said:

What to do? Learn to accept that you have to take a back seat - you are no longer in the picture, so to speak.  He has chosen his wife. Put her first. And you no longer belong there simply because it has been made clear that you are not welcome anymore.  As much as it hurts, you can't change it and you have to learn to accept that times are changing.  His wife doesn't want you around so stop badgering him.  Respect their relationship and start the slow fade.  It is what it is and not much you can do about it.

I really do wonder what makes you choose the word "badgering" and why you think this is what Im doing. Its like you're saying I am not able to let go and the one chasing him and nagging, I am absolutely not. We are in the same group of friends and this is where we still see each other at the moment, we never meet one on one anymore since a long while. He does search contact with me often though through text. Since the beginning it has been made clear I don't belong there anymore and I do have an opinion about that. For the rest I agree that there is not much I can do about it. 

[JoyceVib]

14 hours ago, Andrina said:

 

There are some people who get off on stirrring the pot and feeding drama. It's possible he likes being in the middle of all this, making him feel important or some other weird psychology.

It's actually quite cruel of him and unnecessary to tell you that others you don't really know are badmouthing you. It'd be a different story if it was for the purpose of benefiting you, such as if you you were pouring energy into a friend who wasn't really a friend and badmouthing you behind your back. That would give you the knowledge to end things for your own good.

Just because a friendship once worked for you doesn't mean that's a given for a lifetime. You have two choices here:

1. Decide the bad outweighs the good now, and it's best to go your separate ways.

2. Make the friendship work again by telling him that when you are hanging out, that you no longer want to hear anything negative from him about you being badmouthed or how he and his wife had a fight because of him hanging out with you. 

That is a really good point! I didnt look at it that way. I did have conversations with him about that before, that I really don't want to hear anything anymore, because it makes me feel down. He stopped really giving details (not always) but would still say: "You know we had a fight again, but yeah I don't want to ruin our time." It's a good point of you and I will think about it.

[JoyceVib]

14 hours ago, Batya33 said:

No.  He has chosen his wife.  Most people would. You can have all the opinions you want but if you want to be respectful and appropriate -stop expressing them to him or sharing your opinions with anyone where it will get back to him or her.  Take the high road.  She might be jealous she might be controlling -or she might not be -but whether or not the bottom line is it is irrelevant.  She is his wife.  The end.  His choice and he has made the choice.  Many people end friendships if it's a choice between the friend and a spouse.  Was he a true friend to you? Yes he was for the time of your friendship.  When he met his future wife he moved on to a different stage where being your friend was not consistent with courting his future wife.

Obviously you shouldn't "reason" with her - if he wants to "reason" with her he will choose to do so and perhaps she would allow the friendship again. He doesn't want to fight that battle.  The two sides is all well and good except you are forgetting that one side takes priority by default. His wife.

It's awesome he puts her first -not just "not bad" -IMO.  

Here's where the friendship likely will go.  You back off.  You don't mention anything about her that's remotely negative or your 'opinion" to anyone at all who might know or know of her.  Let him come to you.  Let him dictate the boundaries.  Accept them.  If you cannot find it in yourself to accept them - leave the friendship.  

Many years ago I was in regular contact with my long term ex platonically.  My future husband was fine with it.  We didn't see each other in person.  Then he met his future wife a few years after we broke up.  I could tell this was going to be serious. So I started to distance myself -he accepted this as -understandably ! -he wanted to make a good impression and not have his future wife wondering about a friendship with an ex.

Soon we completely stopped contact. My friend told me when they got engaged, married.  She reached out to me early in the marriage to meet me -she and I had never been in any contact but even though I had had zero contact with her husband for years (except -his mom contacted me to say she missed me -I responded but in an appropriate way) - she wanted to see me in person as she likely felt insecure.  So we double dated and had a nice time.  I contacted her after to offer to meet for lunch -to reciprocate her treating for brunch -but she never followed up.  We have mutual FB friends and my ex and I are accdidentally connected on LinkedIN  but I never ever have contacted either of them and I never will because I neve ever want her to feel uncomfortable or him.  That's why I have this strong opinion.  This woman likely believes this wasn't just platonic. 

 

I think we have different views about this and that's ok. I appreciate you answering.

I grow up with seeing how my parents could have both female and male friends, its normal for me. My boyfriend has a female best friend who is attractive. Sure in the beginning it bothered me a bit, but after getting to know her Im completely fine for them being friends and I would never have it in me to tell him he can't see her anymore, also I don't see any reason too. I trust him and the girl is nice to me. 

I also have an ex boyfriend that Im friends with since many years (we broke up 11 years ago and started a friendship some years later on). After being platonic friends while both being single for some years, he met his girlfriend and I met my boyfriend later on. His girlfriend is amazing and I might even like her more then him. She is really nice and open and Im glad I can have this friendship with them.

Then again I also see in this threat that everyone thinks differently about that, which makes sense! I asked my boyfriend how he would feel if I asked him to stop seeing his female best friend and he said "if you really want that I would do it for you" which is just absolutely absurd for me. I would not be ok with him asking to stop seeing my male best friend, given its without him giving any good reason to stop seeing him. If there are reasons its different of course. I would put up a fight for my friends, they are very important to me and I would feel horrible about dropping them (without them giving me a good reason for doing so).

But yes, I do agree that I would have to take the high road and leave him be. And I am actually ok with that too! It does hurt and I do think its unfair to me, but it is what it is. It is hard to back off though, because he wants to stay friends and stays in contact. I will think about a good way to do this. 

I didnt tell anything about her because it doesn't really matter in this situation, but apart from her hating me from the very first moment, I know a lot about their relationship too and I don't think he is actually happy in the relationship. He told me that they fight a lot, she once hit him really hard. She doesnt like any of his friends. Main reason is that they don't have enough money to keep up with her standard (high class and very expensive). She will never meet his friends and maybe once a year on a blue Monday they are welcome in their house. He has been complaining about her a lot, about everything and how they are so different. I told him if he realised that he never told me anything positive about her. When I asked what is the reason that they are together it was "because we bought a house together". When I asked him what he likes most about her, his answer was "she got me a really good job and Im thankful for that". This is also why I dont like seeing him get married with her, but its good to take a distance from it. Its his decision after all. 

After being told I can't come to the wedding quite honestly I also don't feel like I want this friendship anymore myself. I want to be able to rely on my friends and I dont think that I can anymore.

[JoyceVib]

13 hours ago, Jaunty said:

From your description of the situation, this guy is really not your best friend anymore, and he's also kind of a tool to his fiance.   It seems like he enjoys the drama and negativity.  Otherwise he would not tell you about the bad things that his gf and her pals say about you, and he would not tell you about the terrible fights he and his partner have if he spends time with you.

I strongly believe that people can have deep important friendships with members of the other sex and so did my ex wife and my long term current partner.   I would not have it any other way.  But, from being on these boards, I have learned that it's very "normal" for many people to have a hard line against this, and they don't even believe that it's possible.  

Seems like he's chosen to be with a woman who does not believe in opposite sex friendships and he needs to put her first if he plans to spend the rest of his life with her.  Personally I would find that stance to be a complete deal breaker but it's his life, his choice.

 

You're quite right and Im thankful for the new insight. I mentioned it multiple times before that I don't want to hear anything anymore about what his girlfriend has been saying about me. He still would mention it. I also didnt understand why he kept mentioning it (less detailed though, but still). He told me he doesnt want to bother me with it but he was sad about having another fight and couldnt keep it to himself.

I agree with the rest of the things you mention, I believe in that as well. I also would not drop my (best) friends for my significant other without them giving any reason to do so. But I also see reactions of people who don't agree with that. So yes, we are all different in that.

[JoyceVib]

12 hours ago, catfeeder said:

Very true. So think in terms of your best interests in this. You already have one enemy that you never asked for, provoked or otherwise deserve. So why make it two?

You don't need to be 'best' friends, or even friends with the guy anymore--but I wouldn't burn the bridge. Just stop contacting him, and if he contacts you, you can answer politely and either be unavailable if he invites you out, or simply tell him that you'll always care about him, but it hurts too much to spend time with him given that he needs to hide you from his fiancé or face a fight about it. Then wish him well. From there, chances are you won't need to deal with him again, but you've left your door open should he ever wise up and recognize that a tyrant for a wife isn't something he wants after all.

Yes this sounds good to me! I can really find myself in this. Only problem is that we have a friend group (my boyfriend and another couple, and him because his girlfriend doesnt want to join) together and we do really nice things together once a month (everytime something different). It's always so much fun. I wonder if I feel comfortable enough to keep doing this, also considering that the other couple will go to the wedding. It just makes me feel weird. But thank you for your insights, I will think about it!

[JoyceVib]

11 hours ago, TeeDee said:

I would call him on the phone & end the friendship.  I would tell him why & how hurt you are.  

I'd say something like this: 

I called to congratulate you on your wedding but I wanted to tell you that not inviting me to your wedding is the last nail in the coffin of the death of our friendship. I'm sick of being excluded & you putting up with it.  I get it, she's your FI but really how horribly you let her treat me these last years & now you doing this, tells me that you don't value our friendship.  Have a nice life.  I'm done.  

Then I'd hang up without giving him the chance to reply. 

You have to know this won't last.  She's sounds like a selfish witch (with a B).  

I would want to have a nice last conversation about it, just for the sake of our twelve year long friendship. It also would make me have more peace with the situation. Only problem is that we share multiple friends so Im sure I will bump in to him once in a while. Thank you for your advice!

[JoyceVib]

11 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

I think I would keep my distance from this guy. 

The way that his fiancée treats you is not cool, without a doubt. But also? There is really nothing more you can do about it. You have tried, and she isn't receptive. It's causing a deep rift in your friendship, but keep in mind it is him that chooses to continue a relationship with someone who is evidently quite crappy to you. 

That would be enough for me to re-consider this friendship, and realize our values as friends don't really align anymore. 

Wonderfully put, thank you! You're absolutely right.

[JoyceVib]

9 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

She is jealous about you and she doesnt want you at the wedding. Which you could argue its her sentiment and that as a bride she has a power to decide who she wants at the wedding and who she doesnt. 

I would be more mad at your so called "best friend". He "wears a slippers" there and she "wears a pants" in that relationship. So that means anything she says, it goes. Its his wedding too and he could demand for you to be there. Unfortunately, he chugs too much soy to be a man and stand up to somebody who doesnt even want his best friend there. But again, that is their dynamic. If he is fine with that, you should accept that too. Just dont count on him in the future as a friend. Because he clearly is not that.

Very true, I will keep my distance for sure. Have been doing that for a while now, but this just confirms that its for the best. I do feel a little bad for him, because he is a bit in the middle of all this. But I also agree with what you're saying. Thank you!

[JoyceVib]

8 hours ago, JoyfulCompany said:

The situation is hurtful and I'm sorry. I would've distanced myself from that friend long time ago with no hard feelings. It is what it is - you were once very important to each other but things changed, everyone else made their choices and there's nothing you can do. Leave your judgement aside, let people live their lives as they please and go find the friends you deserve - where you'll feel appreciated, supported, uplifted. Good luck!

Thank you for your reply! I agree with everything you said. It is for the best this way 🙂

[JoyceVib]

6 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

I'm sorry you're going through this.  I can somewhat relate as I'm both a friend and a wife.  Sometimes,  the wife feels that the picture is too crowded with the husband's female friends and the husband's friend is out.  The wife will see to that. 🫢 It's the way it is. 

I'll chime in by saying,  it is unfair but that's life.  Many times,  the wife prefers to be exclusive in her husband's life and does not want to share him despite the husband's midst with his female friends,  even his own mother and siblings. 

After work hours,  whatever time and energy is left is for his wife.  Not that I agree but it's not uncommon to have this new dynamic once he's either in a serious relationship or married.

Some spouses whether wives or husbands,  become very insecure and possessive and they'll do whatever it takes to ensure their spouse's associations aren't a threat to their well being.  I've observed this disdainful trait in some relatives of mine.  Again,  there's nothing you can do because the spouse takes precedence.  You are cast aside.

Also,  in your case,  your friend has to pick his battles.  Does he wish to argue about this and defend you or does he prefer to acquiesce in order to keep the peace as he prioritizes his marriage over you?  Most likely,  it's the latter and not the former.  No surprise there.

As for you,  I agree with others.  You have to put yourself in standby mode.  Perhaps he'll come around and initiate meeting you for coffee.  If he decides to drift apart from you and fade away,  this is your cue to lower your expectations to nil and move on.

What you're experiencing is not unusual.  It's the natural course and stages of life.  Not everyone endures.  Friendships ebb and flow.  Some remain and others make their exit.  It happens to the majority of the population.  There is no shock factor. 

Thank you for responding and I hear what you are saying. It makes sense when you put it like this. I wouldnt have act the same way, but its true that this isnt uncommon. Its sad that we can't all get along, that would have been the perfect outcome of course. But yes, that's life too!