Best friends girlfriend doesnt want me at their wedding

[JoyceVib]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

I have to say as someone who’s always had platonic male friends I do get the perspective that his behavior - the playing up the drama part - telling her what his fiancée has said - is uncalled for and tacky. That who needs friends like that anyway. I wonder if it’s his passive way of making her go away without him having to say it firmly and transparently. Maybe he’s conflicted.  
I do err on the side though of the OP having unrealistic expectations once a male friend meets his significant other whether spouse or long term or whatever and the very often shifting of priorities.  
Also so often if there’s a big wedding reception so much of the planning is done by the bride and her people - often with the groom’s blessing lol - so it’s not surprising if he has less control over the guest list. And traditionally it’s “her” day. And many brides who choose big parties especially have that perspective to the Nth degree.  

I wouldnt say my expectations are unrealistic though. It depends on the person. My friend mentioned many times that he wants to remain friends, even though his girlfriend doesnt want us to be. In this case it doesn't work well, I agree. 

But there are many cases where a friendship like this can work and where the significant other is ok with that. Or learns to be ok with that. Ive seen that happening too.

[catfeeder]

2 hours ago, JoyceVib said:

Yes this sounds good to me! I can really find myself in this. Only problem is that we have a friend group (my boyfriend and another couple, and him because his girlfriend doesnt want to join) together and we do really nice things together once a month (everytime something different). It's always so much fun. I wonder if I feel comfortable enough to keep doing this, also considering that the other couple will go to the wedding. It just makes me feel weird. But thank you for your insights, I will think about it!

Ah, I understand. No need to cut off your own nose to spite someone else. I wouldn't give up my fun outings with mutual friends just to satisfy an urge to diss the guy. Since your social circle is small enough that you'll be crossing paths with him in the future, that's all the more reason not to tell him off and burn that bridge. It would only keep you more uncomfortable in public about seeing him, and it would draw unneeded attention to your rift and make your mutual friends anxious enough to possibly choose sides--and the one they pick may not be you.

So I'd avoid isolating myself into misery just to make a point. The guy has been with this nasty creature for years, and planning the wedding may challenge the couple to sink or swim. I'd consider his wedding a blip on the peripheral radar as something I don't need to concern myself about.

Head high.

[Cherylyn]

I respect those who have opposite gender friends despite their long term relationships or being married.  Everyone has their different preferences,  opinions and perspectives on this.

Having said that,  for me,  personally,  I wouldn't want my husband to have female friends,  meet them regularly for coffee,  lunch,  dinner,  random or regular socializing, perhaps attend events, engage in habitual correspondence such as texting,  emails, phone chats, leaving voicemails and the like.  Doing the "friendlies" thing would be a no go.  I'd feel disrespected if my husband were to confide in his female friends and get chummy just like old times whether individually or in group settings.  Two's company,  three's a crowd.  😕  I myself want to be exclusive in my husband's life.  I'm sure he feels the same way if I were to have a bunch of male friends whom I met and / or corresponded regularly.  For us,  it's not the norm and it would feel weird.  However,  as previously reiterated,  I have no qualms regarding what other people do.  All I'm saying is that this arrangement is not for everyone.  To each his or her own.

Some couples prefer boundaries with others which is nothing out of the ordinary.  Usually, a wife wants to feel top priority in her husband's life. 

Don't take it personally even though it's easy to do.  No one hates you even though you feel excluded.  It feels like a personal affront.  The way the bride feels or how the wife is,  is quite universal.   They're embarking on their new life as a married couple. 

It's great that other people have opposite gender friends whom they are chummy with on a regular basis.  However,  it's not everyone's cup of tea. 

 

 

[Lambert]

I have always had a lot of friends of both genders. And a couple of times friendships with guys ended because their girlfriends didn't like me.  

It hurt and I do miss the friendship but, for my own sanity and self preservation, I had accept and walk away. I was thankful for the good times and their friendship and let them go peacefully.

Let people make their choices. this friends has made his choice through words and action. Now, you distance yourself with grace and kindness.

you can be distant for yourself and not rude at the same time.  Continue to be around with your mutual friend's, enjoy the company as a group, and set a boundary for your own sake. 

Boundaries that limit what people are allowed to do and say around you will determine who is in your life. 

You are damaging your own self worth by dragging yourself through this situation,  calling him your best friend, tolerating this crappy treatment. 

If this guy is truly your best friend, you need to re-evaluate what you look for in a friend.  It's six years of bad treatment and you're expected to just accept that he and his set the rules for the friendship and continue to support him, as a bestie. This is a mistake you are making. 

My new mantra to anyone that brought it up would be- "I wish them well but to be honest I don't have time for this bull---t.

[AndyPandy]

20 hours ago, JoyceVib said:

Hello,

Ive known my best friend since 12 years and we have always been very good friends.

Six years ago he got a girlfriend. I immediately told him I would love to meet her, but when the moment came she told me friend she did not want to meet me and left the house.

That's really unkind, disrespectful and an indicator of deep-seated problems within them.

21 hours ago, JoyceVib said:

Ive met her two times later on. Ive only be nice to her and showed interest in her as a person. From her side she wasnt nice, didnt want to speak with me and I remember her saying how she had a high education and then that I dont.

That's pathetic behaviour on her part and a further indicator of a terrible attitude and a lack of understanding of how you're supposed to treat others. Being highly educated does not make you superior or give you the right to sneer at others. I would be classified as highly educated but I would never, ever dream of thinking that entitles me to disrepect people.

21 hours ago, JoyceVib said:

She never wanted to see me again, resulting in me never seeing their house they bought and lived in together for more then 4 years now. Everytime I meet up with my best friend, it resulted in them having a big fight. He mentioned he values our friendship a lot, since we have knows each other for so long and Ive been there for him in a very difficult time.

Really unkind and uncalled for behaviour by her. It exposes an insecurity, inadequacy and general emotional immaturity. Your friend has hitched up with a real prize! 

21 hours ago, JoyceVib said:

Yesterday he told me that they are getting married next years. 200 people are invited, also my other friends, but I cant come because she doesnt want me to be there.

Absolutely horrible. This is where your friend needed to grow a spine and stand up to her. If it was me in that situation and my fiance forbade my childhood friend from attending the wedding, I'd put my foot down. Matter of fact if they treated my childhood friend so poorly I likely would've given them to push because it's unacceptable. My friends are the family that I got to choose and I wouldn't tolerate them being treated like that.

22 hours ago, JoyceVib said:

What would you do in my situation? I know the issue with the girlfriend wont ever be solved. I asked my friend many times before is she would be open to talk about it but she doesnt. The hate is still there after six years of being together. I also wonder how much this friendship means to my friend after he told me I cant come to the wedding.

What would I do in your situation? I'd cut ties with this person because a friend who allows their spouse to shun you from sharing one of the most momentous events in their life - without any justification, is no longer a friend. Sadly, your friendship doesn't mean much to them

Let them go, wish them well with the marriage and make new, hopefully better friends.

[Batya33]

9 hours ago, JoyceVib said:

I think we have different views about this and that's ok. I appreciate you answering.

I grow up with seeing how my parents could have both female and male friends, its normal for me. My boyfriend has a female best friend who is attractive. Sure in the beginning it bothered me a bit, but after getting to know her Im completely fine for them being friends and I would never have it in me to tell him he can't see her anymore, also I don't see any reason too. I trust him and the girl is nice to me. 

I also have an ex boyfriend that Im friends with since many years (we broke up 11 years ago and started a friendship some years later on). After being platonic friends while both being single for some years, he met his girlfriend and I met my boyfriend later on. His girlfriend is amazing and I might even like her more then him. She is really nice and open and Im glad I can have this friendship with them.

Then again I also see in this threat that everyone thinks differently about that, which makes sense! I asked my boyfriend how he would feel if I asked him to stop seeing his female best friend and he said "if you really want that I would do it for you" which is just absolutely absurd for me. I would not be ok with him asking to stop seeing my male best friend, given its without him giving any good reason to stop seeing him. If there are reasons its different of course. I would put up a fight for my friends, they are very important to me and I would feel horrible about dropping them (without them giving me a good reason for doing so).

But yes, I do agree that I would have to take the high road and leave him be. And I am actually ok with that too! It does hurt and I do think its unfair to me, but it is what it is. It is hard to back off though, because he wants to stay friends and stays in contact. I will think about a good way to do this. 

I didnt tell anything about her because it doesn't really matter in this situation, but apart from her hating me from the very first moment, I know a lot about their relationship too and I don't think he is actually happy in the relationship. He told me that they fight a lot, she once hit him really hard. She doesnt like any of his friends. Main reason is that they don't have enough money to keep up with her standard (high class and very expensive). She will never meet his friends and maybe once a year on a blue Monday they are welcome in their house. He has been complaining about her a lot, about everything and how they are so different. I told him if he realised that he never told me anything positive about her. When I asked what is the reason that they are together it was "because we bought a house together". When I asked him what he likes most about her, his answer was "she got me a really good job and Im thankful for that". This is also why I dont like seeing him get married with her, but its good to take a distance from it. Its his decision after all. 

After being told I can't come to the wedding quite honestly I also don't feel like I want this friendship anymore myself. I want to be able to rely on my friends and I dont think that I can anymore.

I wrote my husband and I have always had female and male platonic friends. Close. Including with exes. Otherwise I wouldn’t have dated him. But my spouse is a priority so if a particular friend was making him uncomfortable I might disagree. I’d choose him. But that’s brcisse we’re both good wirj platonic friendships so I trust there woodk be a really good reason. Your friend chose someone who likely is far more restrictive about friendships or she senses he’s into you.  So he’s chosen her.
which means he was willing to date someone and marry someone who is more restrictive because he’s that into her. I’m really surprised you wrote what you did since I explained I’ve always had platonic close male friends. 
also he’s a person who wants to stir up drama so now you know that too.  And a wedding as I said is very often more tje bride’s thing so I’m not shocked you’re not invited. I’m sorry you’re so disappointed. 
 

[Cherylyn]

If I were to become friends with any of the married men I know in my midst whether it's in my neighborhood,  social circle or wherever,  I doubt the women in their life would approve of my actions.

To be clear,  it's not about trust.  It's about being perceived as "off" and weird.   

For example,  if I were to text these men at random,  meet them for coffee,  meals,  events,  various public locations,  confide in them and get chummy,  I hate to say it but this type of behavior is considered alarming for some spouses to the point of anger because it's outlandishly out of bounds. 

You have to place yourself in the wife's or husband's shoes if that were the case.  For a lot of people,  it's not normal behavior and they would question if there's something wrong with you to insist upon opposite gender friendship while they're so consumed with their marriage,  work,  maintaining their households and family lives.  It would feel like a galling imposition and some spouses would actually think that it took some mentally ill nerve to even consider this arrangement.  This is despite your innocent intentions.  Unfortunately, some spouses don't share your views.  It's the way it is. 

It's great though that many long term couples or married people are fine with opposite gender friends and do what they do.  According to my sphere,  I don't observe this arrangement.    

Perhaps acquaintances at best but more than that?  It's unusual. 

As for the bride snubbing you for the wedding invitation,  this is her way of giving you a message that her man is her man and she doesn't wish to share him with you.  It's her way of telling you to scram.  Her betrothed is caught in the middle and naturally,  he'll prioritize his marriage over you which is of no surprise there. 

All you can do is be gracious.  Get the message loud and clear,  follow cues and carry on with your life. 

 

[Batya33]

I’ve made new male friends since I moved to our city. 3. Not in close touch with any anymore. I met all of them in the same way. They each were with their kids at a playground or play environment and our kids played together. One was a single dad. Two were married. For one of the married men - we met - we then wanted our kids to see each other again. So - on purpose I looked up his wife on FB - he’d given me maybe his LinkedIn - and I contacted her to tell her our kids met and would like to see each other again. I actually have more in common with the husband but no way did I want to even be perceived as inappropriate. I never met up with him one on one but I have with his wife. I only texted him with logistics about picking up the kids etc.

With the other married man we texted a little bit personally but not too personal and only when making a plan for our kids to meet up. I met the wife at his son’s bday party and we never became friends.
I was friendly with the single dad. But once he met his future wife I only saw them socially as a couple. Appearances matter and I bend over backwards to make sure the spouse won’t have even a whiff of discomfort.  
 

I will say when my close platonic male friend was in a terrible car accident his wife called me the next day or so for help with some kind of forms - and for emotional support. I was not close friends with her but felt that her reaching out meant that I was obviously accepted by her. 
And all this even though I wouldn’t be with my husband had he had a hard and fast rule about no opposite gender friendships 

[TeeDee]

On 6/9/2024 at 12:01 AM, JoyceVib said:

I would want to have a nice last conversation about it, just for the sake of our twelve year long friendship. It also would make me have more peace with the situation. Only problem is that we share multiple friends so Im sure I will bump in to him once in a while. Thank you for your advice!

You are nicer than I am.  😀

Since you have to deal with him in the friend group you can just disappear & let it go.  If he approaches you make it clear that he chose his wife & he needs to stick to that

Do what gives you the most peace but he's not your friend.  

[tattoobunnie]

Sorry. It sucks.  But you will understand when you get married.  I've lost really old male friends this way.  The wife gets jealous.  Even with absolutely nothing happening, the moment he shares he thinks you're (insert whatever wonderful term here) or had a small crush on you in the past,  it's a turf way, and they should always choose their spouse. 

And personally, I've blocked husband's exes, deleted female ex-coworkers numbers on his phone.  He never asks.  It's cray-cray (I know), but he's mine, and I'm not sharing.

[Kwothe28]

4 hours ago, tattoobunnie said:

And personally, I've blocked husband's exes, deleted female ex-coworkers numbers on his phone.  He never asks.  It's cray-cray (I know), but he's mine, and I'm not sharing.

I am sorry to say but that is just coo-coo. Isnt he suppose to do all that by himself? Or he just complies with that unhealthy dynamic of yours? Including invading his privacy on phone?

[AndyPandy]

19 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

I am sorry to say but that is just coo-coo. Isnt he suppose to do all that by himself? Or he just complies with that unhealthy dynamic of yours? Including invading his privacy on phone?

Yeah, going into your spouse's phone is bad enough, let alone blocking/deleting people. What on earth! You're supposed to trust your other half - within reason - including having faith in them not angling to cheat with friends, ex-lovers and work colleagues.

If I had a partner who behaved like that, it would make me seriously ponder as to whether I should remain in a relationship with them.

[Cherylyn]

Think of it this way:

Let's say it's you who is married.  Would you be fine if your husband (or long term committed partner) has opposite gender friends?  They both confide in each other,  are quite chummy,  share frequent camaraderie,  engage in frequent electronic communication,  meet regularly for meals,  do public outings together,  attend events, perhaps visit each other and other various occasions while excluding you all the while?  This is what opposite gender friendships could very well entail.  I'm not referring to group social gathering type settings.  You would either have to cooperate and approve of this arrangement or balk.  😡 

Once you place yourself in other people's shoes,  there's more clarity and you can empathize where some people stand.  Until then,  you'll only think of yourself as a friend and not the spouse or partner. 

Your intentions are innocent and sincere.  The reality is that it's not always tolerable and acceptable to some. 

 

[TeeDee]

19 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

Let's say it's you who is married.  Would you be fine if your husband (or long term committed partner) has opposite gender friends?  They both confide in each other,  are quite chummy,  share frequent camaraderie,  engage in frequent electronic communication,  meet regularly for meals,  do public outings together,  attend events, perhaps visit each other and other various occasions while excluding you all the while? 

I am married.  I have several opposite sex friends & so does my husband.  It's all good & above board.  The spouse is never excluded & is always welcome.  When you are secretive that is when the trouble begins.  As long as you aren't doing things behind your SO's back, platonic opposite sex friendships are fine.  Notice that doesn't say staying connected to EXs from long ago 

[tattoobunnie]

19 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

I am sorry to say but that is just coo-coo. Isnt he suppose to do all that by himself? Or he just complies with that unhealthy dynamic of yours? Including invading his privacy on phone?

It is coo-coo, and I don't regret any of my choices or behavior.  He did do something six years ago that warranted it.  And, if a person at fault wants to save the marriage, they should do everything possible to fix the situation and regain trust, which is what he did.

[TeeDee]

1 minute ago, tattoobunnie said:

 And, if a person at fault wants to save the marriage, they should do everything possible to fix the situation and regain trust, which is what he did.

Absolutely the person who broke the trust has to be very transparent & make every effort to earn that trust back & that can take a while. 

 

Notice in my post about opposite sex friends, it's all open, honest & above board from the onset so the trust is reinforced, not broken.  

[tattoobunnie]

23 minutes ago, TeeDee said:

Absolutely the person who broke the trust has to be very transparent & make every effort to earn that trust back & that can take a while. 

 

Notice in my post about opposite sex friends, it's all open, honest & above board from the onset so the trust is reinforced, not broken.  

Enotalone has really helped me grow as a person and in my relationships.  So, probably why I've been with this forum forever.  I've had dark days.  I mean, we all have...that's why we are all here.  If everything is so perfect, we wouldn't have stumbled on this forum in the first place.

Sorry OP...not trying to hijack your post.  I've been married 13+ years now...and your priorities do and should change with marriage.

[Kwothe28]

14 minutes ago, tattoobunnie said:

He did do something six years ago that warranted it.  And, if a person at fault wants to save the marriage, they should do everything possible to fix the situation and regain trust, which is what he did.

Yeah but you do understand that its not most healthiest thing around? Trust is already broken and you dont trust him, and all he did was allowed you to behave in an unhealthy way because you dont have trust. If you still think that he would cheat and cross the boundaries because of it, than there is no trust there. Yeah, yeah, yeah, he broke that trust. But that doesnt suddenly give you the right to invade his privacy because of that. He is not your kid, he is your husband. Furthermore, you do know that he can still cheat? He can go to work, or go with his friends to the bar and do it. You did exactly nothing but to keep him on the tight leash like some kid. 

I mean, I get it, lots of marriages and relationships function in not exactly healthy way but still function. I told the story before about my high school classmate who had a curfew at the celebration of anniversary of our graduation. It was the only time her husband even let her come(we have those celebrations every 5 years) and she had a 9PM curfew. He came with his car to get her after. She didnt even worked until recently, just raised kids at home. Totally dependent on him all the time. I mean, I get his side as well, she is beautiful and also wasnt really most loyal person when we were in high school as far as the men goes. But then why even marry somebody like that?

What I am trying to say is, you do your life as you feel like it. Just think there are way better and more healthier ways to do it but to invade privacy and delete his exes and coworkers numbers. 

[Coily]

Reading through all of this, one thing seems common: hand waving away the friendship as if it's relatively fresh. Remaining friends with someone since you're 12 is a long haul friendship, yes things change that's natural; what isn't is the shrewish behavior of your friend's fiance.

What matters is do you care enough about your friend's well being to let the friendship lapse? This whole situation isn't about you "not getting it"; or him, it's about her fragile ego. It's a shame to see some people cower and dissolve healthy platonic friendships at the whim of a fragile spouse, not a natural end due to traveling separate paths.

I'd wash my hands of someone who will exclude you on such an important day.

[tattoobunnie]

13 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

Yeah but you do understand that its not most healthiest thing around?

What I am trying to say is, you do your life as you feel like it. Just think there are way better and more healthier ways to do it but to invade privacy and delete his exes and coworkers numbers. 

 It was also six years ago, and I did go the tight leash route for three years.  And you know what, we are in a great place, and I know in my heart I have forgiven him, and we both have moved forward.

Fixing your marriage after infidelity is a lot of work. I'm not sorry at all for blocking whomever I felt unsafe by.  I did what I needed to do too to make things work, and so did he.

[Cherylyn]

1 hour ago, TeeDee said:

I am married.  I have several opposite sex friends & so does my husband.  It's all good & above board.  The spouse is never excluded & is always welcome.  When you are secretive that is when the trouble begins.  As long as you aren't doing things behind your SO's back, platonic opposite sex friendships are fine.  Notice that doesn't say staying connected to EXs from long ago 

A lot of friendships including opposite gender friendships are 1:1 and don't include a friend's husband or wife.  For example,  meeting for coffee regularly or meals,  going to events together,  any type of outings,  visiting one another at each other's houses,  frequent texting,  emails,  leaving voicemails,  enjoying their chumminess and confiding in one another because this is what friendship is.  It's platonic, intentions are innocent and it's close friendships with the opposite gender.  I admire those who partake but it's out of the question for some married folks such as my husband and myself. 

[TeeDee]

8 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

A lot of friendships including opposite gender friendships are 1:1 and don't include a friend's husband or wife. 

* * *   

I admire those who partake but it's out of the question for some married folks such as my husband and myself. 

I routinely see opposite sex friends alone without my husband.  That doesn't mean he can't come if he wanted to. 

Every couple has to make the decision about how these other interactions will be handled.  I could not be in a relationship with someone who objected to my friends but that is me.  What is right for me, might not be right for someone else. 

Here the OP's buddy is choosing his FI who objects to the opposite sex friendship he had with the OP.  That's his choice & the OP has to respect it, but she can resent the FI for pushing the guy to end this friendship.  In the end he / the friend is the one who rejected & essentially dumped his friend, the OP.  That tells me he wasn't as good of a friend as she thought he was. 

I had a HS buddy whose FI didn't like me.  We stopped talking for 20+ years when they got married (& I wasn't invited).  We said hello at a reunion, but she whisked him away.  It was awkward & everybody thought she was awful for how she acted.  When they got divorced, he came back into my life. 

I have another buddy from my early 20s.  He told me all about this hot new girl he met when he started dating his now wife.  He was head over heels.  I bet him he was going to tell her he loved her within the month.  He waited 32 days just to win the bet.  When he told her he loved her he also told her about the bet.  I was horrified & told him he was a being a jerk.  When I finally met her the 1st thing I did was apologize.  As I handed over the $20 bet winnings, she snatched the money out of his hand & announced she was buying me & her a drink & that he could go sit in the corner.  It was all in good fun & they have been married for almost 25 years.  

[Cherylyn]

57 minutes ago, TeeDee said:

I routinely see opposite sex friends alone without my husband.  That doesn't mean he can't come if he wanted to. 

Every couple has to make the decision about how these other interactions will be handled.  I could not be in a relationship with someone who objected to my friends but that is me.  What is right for me, might not be right for someone else. 

 

I agree that even though intentions are innocent between opposite gender friends and someone else's spouse, this arrangement would be met with angry disapproval from some other married couples,  those in long term relationships or any relationship for that matter.

Then there's camaraderie,  confiding,  chumminess and frequent cell phone correspondence between opposite gender friends as if they're still single and unattached to a significant other.

I can just see it now:  Husband and opposite gender friend decide to meet at restaurants for meals,  planned outings together and the like.  Then the husband says to his wife, "Btw, I'm meeting Brittany for dinner and we've decided that you're more than welcome to join us!"  I'm sure that would go over very well for most wives. 🙄 Or, a wife will say to her husband, "Jason and I will be at the museum and theater and you are invited as well."  Gee, thanks.  😒 

 

[Batya33]

Today I’m in my hometown of NYC and my son and I went to Manhattan while my husband had some errands to do. I have a close platonic male friend who is married. We’ve been friends since 9 years before his marriage. We met in grad school. Shortly after we met he asked me out. I said no. Never asked again no issues. 
Today I considered texting him to see if we could meet for lunch or coffee with my son. Never would have occurred to me to tell my husband or ask him. They’ve known each other for many years but my point is the only question in my mind was schedule and logistics. I’d have mentioned to my husband later in the list of stuff my son and I did today but not because he’s a - he- (I realize it’s not one on one meeting but the fact that it’s a male friend had no added relevance )