jazz_lover

I joined my current company August 2022. The annual pay review is every April. April 2023 I just got about 2%. This was calculated as the 5% inflation increment pro-rated for time I was at the company with no bonus. My performance review is coming up this week so seems like an ideal time to discuss a pay increase/bonus. My role has changed a lot since the one anticipated when I have joined and that is reflected in a change in my job title which I asked for and was granted around March 2023. I was hired as a general financial accountant but have been able to position myself as the technical accounting expert in the company and as we have faced a lot of technical accounting challenges I have made a valuable contribution to the company in resolving these challenges whereas in previous years we would have had to enlist outside help (e.g., paying a Big 4 accountancy firm for technical advice). And I believe a lot of the work I was performing was way above my pay grade. I have been getting a lot of praise from my bosses and have been involved in a lot of key meetings with the CFO so my profile has been raised considerably in the company and I imagine that they would not want to lose me. My starting salary was also fairly low because salaries have been slow to reflect the massive amount of inflation post-COVID. The general price level has gone up around 20% since COVID and my starting salary was only marginally higher than the previous role I was in. And the 5% inflation increment used by the company globally isn't reflective of reality, and my rent has gone up a lot and so have my grocery bills and if I cannot get some kind of pay increase/bonus I probably will have to look for a higher paid job elsewhere. The sticking point is that the company was taken over by a private equity firm. Their key motivation is to control or cut costs as much as possible and there have already been a lot of layoffs and restructuring initiatives. Meanwhile they have hired a lot of new people in revenue-generating positions e.g. sales. And motivated them with share options. There is also a share option scheme that is very favourable to people considered to be senior leadership. And my understanding is that there are other incentive schemes where bonuses are linked to KPIs and sales targets. So there is less incentive for them to reward non-revenue generators even though my role is still important in the sense that if they want to sell the company they need statutory accounts that are accurate with clean audit opinions and window dressed to the maximum extent possible. The company is also HR dominated as we have thousands of employees and HR create a lot of roadblocks that make it difficult for rank-and-file employees to get pay increases. A colleague of mine went through a process last year and they had to basically change the reporting structure and organisational chart to make it seem like he got a promotion with presumably the motivation being to allow them to pay him more. And there is the usual challenge that pay is relative. So if my superiors are underpaid or aren't earmarked for bonuses then there will be a reluctance to give me anything more in case it results in a ratchet effect and triggers demands from them. So I need to approach it in the right way.. Is it better to send an email in advance of the performance meeting so that I have my case clearly set out in writing rather than springing it on him before the meeting? Also what is the best way to make my case in a succinct way that is likely to be persuasive to my manager and HR/higher ups that he would need to get approval from? And in rough terms what would be something to aim for. I was thinking of saying a combination of a bonus and a pay increase to reflect my contribution over the last year and my progression in terms of role and responsibility and asking for a 15% bonus 15% pay rise. This seems reasonable when you consider that a lot of companies offer an automatic 10% annual bonus to accountants of my grade and with 5% inflation to get a real pay increase of 10% you need to ask for 15% and again a 10% annual pay increase seems reasonable if they accept my case that my role and responsibility have changed in a major way.. In an ideal world I wouldn't have to say anything and the rewards would come automatically. But as I only got a 2% pay increase last year and this was handed to me without even being discussed I think that if I say nothing there is a chance that I will just get the company wide 5% increment and by that time as the pay review will have past there will be nothing in the budget for adjustments.

I read an editorial recently in the London Evening Standard which shook me a little. The author was commenting that for 99.9% of women the cut-off for having a healthy baby naturally is 40 and after 35 fertility declines dramatically and for IVF it can take up to five years to work. And she detailed her travails of trying to have a second baby-the jealousy when other women announced pregnancies, the stress of getting injections, scans and bad news from clinics when she did IVF etc. So her advice to women is to be pragmatic to make sure they don't through ignorance or false confidence leave it too late. And speaking on behalf of women she says "we didn't want to be just mothers but we didn't dream of never being mothers at all". This was quite shocking to me because on the dating apps London is full of women in their mid to late 30s who specify they want kids and as I approach 40 that is probably the age demographic I am most likely to be acceptable to. And also my looks are starting to fade and dating is a frustrating process so I would like to meet someone I can have a long term relationship with and ideally grow old with. For me kids are a "nice to have" rather than a "must have". I think that they can strengthen a relationship by encouraging a couple to work as a team and grow up and enjoy the shared responsibility and share the precious memories. And it also makes it easier to accept the inevitable waning of passion once the honeymoon period is over and you grow older and your looks start to fade. But if it wasn't to be I would accept it philosophically and enjoy the greater freedoms of not having kids such as more time to pursue shared hobbies together as a couple, find purpose through volunteer work, travel the world etc. But I imagine for a woman if it is a "must have" and it cannot happen then it is going to have a very damaging effect on her psychologically and create strains on a relationship. So is this a conversation worth having once things start looking like they could get serious? And how would you approach it without scaring someone off?

I think partly it might be a function of living in a big city. So there are lots of attractive professional women with well paid jobs and good educations who work hard and play hard so perhaps are more focused on entertainment and see dating partly as a recreational activity and enjoy nice dinners/jazz clubs/theatre/art galleries and can be charming and good company and good conversationalists etc but that is as far as it goes. So maybe I do need to focus on indicators someone would be good relationship material rather than simply good dating material. I think at the moment I select who to take on a date based on a) physical attraction b) shared interests c) intelligence d) sense of humour e) ability to hold a conversation f) friendliness/showing interest/generally seeming nice. So I need to add a few criteria I think. Broadening my social horizons would do me some good now I have a little more work/life balance. But I am a low energy person and my work is still quite draining and I am introverted by nature so I do not think I have the capacity for hours and hours a week of socializing so I am not sure how many single women I would meet through this approach. But good to have it as a back up option so will have a look into it and see what I could potentially fit into my schedule. Agree re the head + heart point. And yeah maybe a bit unrealistic to expect to fall head over heels and better to meet someone, enjoy spending time with them, lose interest in everyone else, and for feelings to develop over time. Although I guess the difficulty there is that it requires a lot more time and if the feelings do not develop then you either have to settle or find someone else.

Batya33: so you basically dated a lot while at the same time focusing on being the best you could be and refused to settle and eventually re-connected with a man that you decided to marry? How did you know he was the right one and how did you strike the balance between not wasting time but also giving people a chance. From your approach you sound like a very pragmatic person so I am guessing you weren't relying on catching feelings as your divining rod to navigate through a sea of men and from what I can remember from previous posts of yours your husband was someone you knew through work and it wasn't a whirlwind romance but a case of knowing each other for some time and things then developing once the timing was right. I can see the advantages of such a situation but it is a lot rarer in the modern world where people rely a lot on dating apps to meet people and I am not the social butterfly you seemed to be so I have never been that good at meeting people through social circle/social events etc. Kwothe28: so you are saying set up some basic filters to disqualify a lot of these unsuitable women with the idea that at least that would increase the odds of spending time with suitable women and then hope that some feelings develop etc?

I'm in my late 30s. I was a late bloomer and my first serious relationship was from 25 to 32 and didn't work out. Snce then I've had a few short term relationships but I have been single most of my 30s going on lots of dates but not really getting anywhere. The pandemic didn't help and I was also working very long hours at various points. But I do have a good work-life balance at the moment and am tiring of the carousel of serial dating and casual sex and would like something more meaningful. Also it is competitive out there and while currently I am in my prime and considered quite handsome eventually my looks will start to fade and my age will disqualify me as a prospect for a lot of women and I won't have as many options. And there is an element of adverse selection as in the good ones are already taken and the ones that are still single and that way for good reason and therefore perhaps unsuitable choices. Of course that is an overgeneralisation and some people have just been unlucky in love or had other priorities but I guess it does get a bit harder as you get older and I do not want to end up missing the boat especially as right now I do have a lot of options (although as pointed out on previous threads I do need to choose more wisely!). I know a lot of people are very pragmatic when it comes to settling down. But I think I would like to fall in love and want to marry someone because I cannot imagine life without them rather than just marrying someone because I feel I am at the right age to settle down and start a family and they want the same thing and seem compatible in terms of values/education/interests and seem like a good person you could trust and support you during the bad times and be a good mother to your kids etc. And even if its not a fairy tale romance at least feel a very strong connection (i.e. marrying your best friend as well as your lover) and also have a lot of chemistry (as I think regular sex is important in a LTR and has a habit of drying up and strong physical attraction probably does help to lessen that risk). I've been on lots of dates in my 30s but like I said nothing has really developed. I wasted a little time with unsuitable/incompatible women. Other occasions maybe I should have given the person more of a chance but I wasn't feeling it and when there are so many options if you are feeling lukewarm or indifferent it is easier to find someone else. And now I am more conscious of the fact that if I were to get into a relationship and it doesn't work out you waste a lot more time than the month or less in a dating scenario where you date and it goes nowhere. And maybe it isn't like the movies when you "just know" or "it feels right" and that guides you to the right choices. So I am not sure what I should be doing to change my approach and give myself the best chance of finding a happy ending. Any advice welcome.

Haha well a bunny boiler is the last thing I want on my plate (or should that be stock pot!). I wish it were so easy to find women who can challenge me intellectually, make me laugh and give me butterflies. And I think perhaps I do like a little bit of drama. But yes it does seem clear this one is nuts and I have probably only seen the tip of the iceberg and it would only get a lot worse. So I told her that I don't think we'd be good for each other and I think I'd rather date someone local and apologised for wasting her time.

She sent me some photos of Amsterdam today I commented on a few and she gave cold one word responses and then said we still need to have that talk. Curiosity got the better of me. She told me off for saying last night that I’d rather talk about it another time as I was tired and was at my aunts and everyone was sleeping and I didn’t want to whisper. She said I should have realised that it was important to her in that moment and been more diplomatic. She then said that she wants to know my intentions in talking to other women as she doesn’t want to waste her time and hear down the line things have developed with other women and even if they are just backup options it doesn’t sit well with her. She said she won’t stop me talking with them because we are adults and make our own choices but I shouldn’t make her feel that I really like her if I’m not serious or not sure about her. It is tough because she is gorgeous and she is highly intelligent and able to stimulate me intellectually and has a great sense of humour but agree this is too much drama too soon and I’m getting a bit of deja vu.

Oh just got a voice note from her saying she could see from my WhatsApp statuses that I was busy with family but said when I’m back in London we have a lot to talk about. She was trying to sound breezy but also sounded a bit hurt.

I haven’t sent her any explicit photos of myself and don’t ask for any from her. I’m not even sexting her so there is no context for them she just randomly sends them mid conversation and I do not comment on them and a little later she’ll send another. It is very strange behaviour and nothing I’ve ever seen before. I don’t think she is impersonating anyone because we’ve had intellectual chats on the phone and she is incredibly smart and when she’s talking about her subject area it’s clear she knows what she’s talking about and is fascinating. Perhaps there is something calculating in her use of photos and it is more than just childish attention seeking or poor impulse control but yeah I can see it’s disturbing and even for something casual this is more effort than it’s worth. It’s just all quite bizarre. Especially as on our dates she was so shy and nervous and skittish. Oh and she clearly didn’t like my refusal to her ultimatum to get off the dating apps as haven’t heard anything from her today.

Her academic background checks out and it is very impressive. She recently came out of a five year relationship which was long distance for last two years so maybe that’s where she picked up the habit of sending random provocative photos. She sends as view once with no way of saving or taking screenshots etc but agree it seems ill advised with a stranger. I find it hard to reconcile that she was so shy and nervous on our dates but so forward and flirty via text and calls. But maybe from a distance she feels in control and that’s why long distance is her jam. She asked me the other day if I was chatting to anyone else on the apps saying she’d deleted the app. I said I hadn’t come off the app but was mostly talking to her. She pretended she was ok with this but today said she’d decided to go back on the app and sent me screenshots of the guys she’d matched with and conversations where they’d complimented her etc. So doesn’t seem like she’s mature enough for non exclusive dating on the occasions she’s visiting UK and she is bombarding me with texts and photos even though I told her I had a family event all this weekend. As for why she isn’t looking locally I guess she doesn’t speak the language and her two exes were English and she grew up in the UK so maybe she feels more comfortable with English guys. Although I do perhaps feel it is an avoidant strategy as she seems to feel a lot more confident and comfortable texting and talking on the phone than being on an actual date. I don’t know whether it’s worth being blunt and saying I’m not looking for a pen pal and we can go on dates when she’s in the UK and im happy to visit her in Amsterdam in the summer but don’t have the time for hours of texting and talking during the day and cannot offer exclusivity. It’s partly my fault of course as I’ve indulged her a little as I was texting her a lot while she was in the UK as I knew she was going back at the end of the week and she’s very funny and intellectually stimulating at times

Location based dating apps can be a bit deceiving and last weekend I swiped right on a girl who was visiting her family in London but is actually doing a PhD in Amsterdam. She was quite a bit younger than me so that combined with her location put me off a little and she made a lot of the initial running initiating most of the texts and saying she liked me and wanted to meet up. So I relented and agreed to a walk after work on Tuesday. I was surprised how much I ended up liking her. She wears her heart on her sleeves, is endearingly shy and also a little impulsive and emotional which I like. She is also very straightforward and direct which is quite refreshing.. She made it clear that she isn't looking for anything casual and also said that I would have to be patient with the physical side of things as she takes some time to trust and feel comfortable with someone and she mentioned she'd had some bad experiences of men forcing themselves on her in the past. She also said she was a little worried about the age difference and said that she was worried that white guys only like her because she is "exotic" so wanted to make sure I don't have a fetish or something. So very open about her insecurities and fears etc. She texted me minutes after the date ended and we texted a bit more that evening and she was keen to see me again before she went back to Amsterdam. So we met again and she opened up a little more and asked if she could kiss me on the cheek and when she asked about my parents and I mentioned my father had passed away five years ago instead of being embarrassed and saying "sorry I didn't know" she gave me a quick hug which I thought was adorable. We talked a bit about the distance and she said that she has a research project in Cambridge so will be in the UK from time to time as well as visiting family and invited me to visit her in Amsterdam whenever I want (with the proviso for the next few months she had academic conferences most weekends). She also said that she wasn't planning to date anyone else and had left the app but if I wanted to I should let her know but said if I ended up sleeping with anyone else she was out of there. So I guess my questions are whether this is something worth pursuing. My worries are: 1 . We will mostly be keeping in touch via texting. We've texted a lot since the weekend as I think we both wanted to get to know each other and accelerate things as she was only in London for a week. But it isn't sustainable and I worry we will both get bored of it especially with the imbalance between time texting versus time actually spent together. I did date a girl last year who went back home for the summer and we did fine keeping in touch via text over the summer but we'd already dated for a few months before that so had an established bond. Also in all honesty I am not much of a talker. I'm a good listener and I am good company. But the good company part isn't much use if its mostly text/calls between dates that may be weeks apart. 2. I can see a few signs of immaturity e.g. sending me a few sexy photos without me asking for them (nothing too explicit, but still), getting upset if I take too long to reply because I am doing other things, abruptly ending text conversations if I say something that upsets her a little and generally being a bit touchy and over sensitive etc. I am quite used to this kind of stuff as I have had a few exes who were a little insecure and needy and I prefer it to avoidant and distant and disinterested. But these things will be harder over a long distance. 3. Because of the distance it will mean spending lots of time together sporadically rather than the usual dating procedure of spending short amounts of time with each other once or twice a week. And generally I have had no experience whatsoever of long distance dating/relationships so have no idea how they work and what I am potentially letting myself in for. 4. She seems quite serious and intense and inexperienced and has only had 2 relationships and next to no experience dating. So if I go into it with the philosophy that it might be exciting and fun and I won't be too disappointed if the distance becomes too much of an issue or we don't find the time and it doesn't work out (but obviously nice if it does) she might have greater hopes and expectations from it and get hurt and disappointed if it doesn't work out. On the other hand already I am a little smitten and she is super intelligent and very pretty and sweet and while she is in Amsterdam for the next year or so beyond that she Does anyone have any advice re long distance they could share with me?

I don’t know for sure. I haven’t been given a formal year end review. But I had a review when I finished my 3m probation and I’m sure there have been informal discussions between my boss and her superior. And April pay increases would be from end of April so they may still be under review. So is it worth at least asking the question whether I’m being considered for a pay increase in light of my change in job title (which I asked for and got) which reflects the evolution of my role since joining. Even if the answer is no and it’s simply policy then at least I know it’s nothing personal and a chance for them to say they do value me or provide me with some useful feedback which I didn’t get as I didn’t get the formal review in January Otherwise I’d have to wait until next January for a formal review and next April for any pay increase.

I’ve been working in my current company for around 7 months as a senior group accountant. Within the first 3 months my line manager went on maternity leave. As my interview was on zoom I had no idea she was pregnant until I joined! She was a bit abrasive and I sensed she didn’t like me that much and was much nicer to my peer in the same position who’d joined 6m prior. Around the 3 month mark she went on maternity leave and we got 18m maternity cover. Before she left she gave me a brief probation review (I passed obv). It was broadly neutral with the criticisms that I needed to become more proficient with their accounting software and better at identifying who the right people to reach out to on various areas in the global organisation as in my early days I’d ask her who was best places for various pieces of info. And some praise for some of the accounting papers I’d written and financial models I’d developed. She did the handover and her replacement took over. She recognised my strengths lay more in technical accounting and got me to lead a project to upgrade their finance manual with more detailed accounting policies and produce most of the content and I was also assigned some of the more technical memos requested by the auditors and also am doing most of the work preparing the statutory financial accounts. Meanwhile my colleague is doing a lot more on the management reporting ie monthly management accounts. She’s delegated most of her predecessors job description to my colleague and myself and a guy in India who leads the India team of outsourced accountants. So incredibly hands off to the point of doing nothing. So our workloads have all increased considerably. She’s supposed to be head of group accounting but my colleague is now effectively running the monthly management reporting process and I’m effectively running the finance manual project and production of the statutory accounts. Over the last two weeks she announced the colleague who joined 6m before me and the Indian finance manager both have received promotions and showed me a new organisational structure where my colleague is now my direct report but I also report into the Indian finance manager and also her. This feels like a demotion as previously reported into her directly and my work streams were largely independent from my colleague and the Indian finance manager. I managed to get my job title changed making a case that my role had evolved and senior group technical accountant was more fitting. She agreed to that so it was formalised but no change to my pay was discussed or given even though it’s around the time of year for pay increases bonuses etc. A few months ago when my colleague did a year end review I was told I wasn’t going to be given one as at that point I’d only been there 6m and each of my bosses had only managed me for 3m. I think she knows and her superior definitely knows that I am the strongest technical accountant in the team and the go to guy for any complex accounting issues. Im getting quite a bit of praise from her superior and he’s starting to reach out to me directly and involve me in some high profile meetings. My line manager announced last week she’s pregnant and so will leave by the end of the year and as she’s cover won’t return and my old boss will come back next January. Although now of course my direct report and weekly 1:1 meetings are with my colleague. I don’t know what to make of it all. I suppose it’s understandable being there only 7 months or so that they probably wont increase my pay in April when the annual salary increases are made even though my role has evolved and is arguably a lot more valuable than the one I was hired for and I’ve made some strong contributions. It grates a little having a direct report who joined in the exact same position 6m before me and has a similar amount of experience and he’s clearly ambitious as he’s managed to get a promotion after a year and perhaps sees me as competition as technically I’m a lot stronger than him even though he’s better at the accounting software and excel and has much stronger relationships with the maternity cover and her predecessor and their superior. Also my job has become stressful and pressured due to my new boss being so hands off and while it does mean I’m getting a lot of responsibility and asked for and been given a new job title which enhances my CV I feel my status has been a bit diminished by the organisational structure changes and if I don’t get anything in the April salary increases I’d have to wait until the following April and in the meantime inflation is running at 10%. And in all honesty I doubt I’ll stay that long as I really didn’t get along with the first boss who’ll be back in Jan. This one at least plays to my strengths and gives me a lot more independence Should I raise the issues of not having had a performance review and ask what I should expect in April when salary increases happen? Should I mention that the organisational structure change seems like a demotion putting me at the bottom and it seems strange to report directly to my colleague when our work streams are so independent and I’m running projects he isn’t involved in and he’s never reviewed any of my work and won’t be going forward either. Or seeing as I’ll likely be looking to leave in the next 6-12 months better not to rock the boat and hope that eventually I’ll get some recognition and reward and even if not be grateful the experience I’m getting is good for my CV?

Put things on a bit of a back burner while keeping in touch by text. She sent me a link with a media article on best places in London to see cherry blossom and I took this as a cue to invite her to one of them on the Sunday. Weather has been dreadful so tonight texted her suggesting we make an alternate plan. She said I can cook you lunch at mine and we can then watch movies. I said that sounded amazing and asked what she would cook. She said she was thinking of doing steak and risotto and did that sound good and I said it sounded perfect and the she said she’d cook me brownies for dessert. It seems a pretty positive development and perhaps she’s more interested than I thought.

We don't know for sure that she or her friend divined you were still active. For most apps it is hard to tell if someone is active/inactive. So I think you are speculating. Also if she wasn't sure about you she wouldn't care and most likely would also be continuing to use the apps/date other guys. If she did like you a lot then she'd be more likely to confront you about it rather than just disappearing. And I don't think rubbing it in someone's face that you are still using the apps/dating or even sleeping with other women is required or even advisable. It isn't something people really want to hear even if they are aware that it is probably happening before exclusivity is discussed. I think the person who feels ready for exclusivity or desires it should bring it up. I think if sex is such a big deal to a woman that she expects exclusivity after it then she shouldn't be sleeping with men so quickly and should probably bring up exclusivity before she sleeps with the man. And a way to finesse it is to bring up the safe sex issue of having multiple sexual partners and say that you are sexually monogamous and expect the same from your partner. And if she is someone who expects exclusivity from the word go probably you aren't compatible. I would also be uncomfortable if after only a few dates a woman would expect me to delete my dating profile and stop dating other women and even more uncomfortable if this expectation wasn't communicated to me but implicitly assumed (i.e. I'm expected to be a mind reader) and then ghosted instead of being confronted about it. At least with a confrontation you have the chance to have a discussion about exclusivity and come to some kind of compromise and at least if a woman asks for exclusivity you can decide whether or not you are prepared to offer it or not. So I think she hasn't exactly been fair to you and you haven't really done anything wrong. But like I said these kind of situations can arise in casual dating with misunderstandings and sudden and seemingly inexplicable changes of heart and it is important not to take it personally and just move on to the next one.

I think she must have had mixed feelings/wasn't sure about you and perhaps felt pressured into accepting the date. And perhaps she got intimate with you before she was ready and is having regrets. There is a lot of mention of texting so perhaps you were overcrowding her and she was feeling a bit smothered. I doubt it is seeing you on the apps. In my experience in this situation a woman would be more likely to get upset/angry and confront you rather than ghosting you. If casual dating is your thing then you need to be prepared for this sort of thing to happen i.e. for women to go cold/distant with ghosting being the extreme example of this. But perhaps it is related somewhat to your style i.e. too much texting/inviting them back to yours getting physical too quickly.

Good point MrMan1983. She isn't flirty. Although she says she is shy so maybe she isn't good at flirting. But it's not small talk so we do have quite deep conversations about our shared interests such as art, music, old films, travel, nature etc. There's quite a bit of chemistry she's quite touchy feely and often takes my hand or my arm when we are walking and when I kiss her she kisses back passionately. Jaunty: I wouldn't say I'm exclusively drawn to them. In fact they represent a small minority of the women I have dated. But it is a situation I find confusing as 98% of my dates take a more modern approach. Perhaps on some level I can be attracted to some of the qualities women who favour traditional dating often have. And I think you are right it is perhaps less of a headache to realize that if that is their preference I just need to accept I'm paying for everything and figure out whether the connection is strong enough and be sure not to over-extend myself financially so it is sustainable. I think Wiseman's point about relationship-ing is very profound and I need to get better at using the initial dates to figure out who they are and what they want and what kind of connection we have and then decide whether to proceed on that basis.

Oh and in terms of post-date communication. A few hours after the date: Her: "Hey jazz_lover hope you are feeling better" Me: "Thanks for asking. Yeah much better and got my appetite back which is always a good sign. Definitely sticking to frames from now on. Hope you are enjoying the rest of your evening. Her: It shouldn't be too hard we have plenty of amazing galleries in London. I'm going to make dinner and have an early night. Still feeling quite tired from the conference. Me: "Sounds like a great idea. Might do the same myself". Then later this afternoon (i.e. the day after) she texted me with a photo of the cherry blossom saying "Looks like spring has finally arrived" I am not quite sure what to do. Last date wasn't amazing. But I think she was tired from her conference and half the date I was suffering from motion sickness and the picnic was a bit chaotic and generally things didn't go as smoothly and effortlessly as our first two dates. I guess she must still be interested or she wouldn't have sent the text this afternoon. Do I just politely respond let her lead the conversations from now on and see if she asks why I haven't asked her on another date or asks me on a date herself? Or is it better to tell her I don't think we are compatible and write this off as a learning experience and go with the approach suggested by Batya/Wiseman going forward?

Well yeah with most women I've dated over the years this simply didn't come up. I've taken plenty of women to jazz clubs and they'd either split the drinks bill or in many cases even insist on paying it saying that I paid for the jazz tickets. But I could hold off on taking them to jazz dinners for a few dates first to give me a little more time to screen them. And with both the Turkish woman and this woman it wasn't at all obvious from the outset that they were Posh Spice Girls. Usually my criteria are attractive professionals who are cultured and educated and looking for a relationship. Turkish woman had a normal job as a lawyer and was from a middle class family and lived in a flat share and dressed very simply and while she made a point on the 2nd date of letting me know she had a Rolex club and referred to herself as a member of the Rolex club it is quite normal for professional women in London to have a few status symbols such as a luxury handbag or watch etc. It was a little while until I found out about the divorce and the super rich ex husband and that her family had 8 houses and she lived in an exclusive part of Istanbul and hung out in Soho House and Istanbul and clearly fancied the high life. We actually started out going 50:50 for the first few dates and our first date was coffee and a walk in the park and 2nd date we had drinks at a simple pub and dinner at a neighbourhood restaurant until she changed the terms and said that as a man she expected me to pay for everything to show I was serious about her. And as I was very smitten I went along with this and was too love blind to realise she was taking advantage of this (e.g. starving herself all day and ordering half the menu and demanding I took her somewhere nice on New Year's Eve because she wasn't going to stay at home and suggesting things like staycations, theatre visits and new restaurants she wanted to try knowing I'd be picking up the tab and half the time she would be the one inviting me on dates) and in the end my issues were much surrounding the fact she was often withholding affection and insisting on being non exclusive This girl has a fairly normal marketing job. I only found out yesterday about the 4 masters degrees and the beach house. She mentioned she lived in Chelsea but lots of people prioritize location so would go with a studio or flat share trading off space against location. She dresses fairly simply and I don't really pay attention to accessories so no idea whether her handbag or jewellery or watch were luxury or not. So I do not think I am dating socialites. I just think that occasionally I accidentally end up dating women who had a degree of privilege in their own countries and are aspiring to that kind of life in London.

Just read your latest reply. Partly it is lifestyle related. These activities I’d often do on my own or with friends eg go to jazz clubs and try new restaurants. But I take your point it’s not sensible with someone I’m not sure about and vice versa. I do cook and have my own place so that could be a good future option after mutual interest and comfort is established what inexpensive date ideas would you suggest? For a first date I think coffee or one drink in a no frills bar/pub works well as it’s good to keep first dates short anyway and I’m fine paying. What about future dates? In summer walks in the park or picnic type ideas would work but this is London so it’s rarely good weather

Wiseman what inexpensive date ideas would you suggest for the first couple of dates? As you pointed out my lifestyle does involve jazz clubs art galleries theatres bars restaurants and those are activities I’d want to enjoy with a future girlfriend as well as simple things like a walk in the park a coffee a night in watching Netflix and so on. Also assuming she doesn’t contribute during the inexpensive dates what then? Invite her to a moderately expensive date such as a nice dinner and see if she offers to split and if she doesn’t next her? Or after a few inexpensive dates have a conversation saying that going forward you’d like to go 50:50 or take turns and would she be comfortable with this ?

So you think better in future to see who offers to contribute within the first few proper dates and who’s appreciative and says thank you and shows interest and screen out those who don’t ? And focus on attitude/manners/intent rather than the exact division? With that approach I think this girl has been screened out so better to move on rather than try to change the terms and say I’d be more comfortable going Dutch going forward. Even if she agreed because she’s interested and wants to keep seeing me if she wants a provider and expects a man to pay because that is what she’s used to then it would be an incompatibility that causes issues down the line.

Perhaps a better approach. First date coffee or ONE drink and pay which demonstrates you are a gentleman and is a nice gesturee. Second date go to an inexpensive dinner and when the bill arrives say "Shall we split the bill?" and in most instances even if they would prefer the man to pay would usually say yes. And then once that is established if they still wish to continue dating me I can always treat them to jazz tickets. I am not sure how getting pre-agreement would work. It sounds too much like business/law and I'd imagine most girls would be put off by an invit ation "let's go out for Italian friday night and split the bill". And I think for most women if they perceive a man as being stingy even if they have no issue paying their own way would be put off. Perhaps also I am not that interested in her. I love that she likes the same kind of music, is knowledgeable about art and films and literature so we get each other's references , is quite worldly and physically quite warm and affectionate, and she's cute in a girl next door kinda way which I like. But I'd like someone who shows a bit more interest in me and is a bit more giving and appreciative.

I’m a bit tetchy maybe with the sickness. Feeling better now. i think I’m more comfortable going Dutch. It was suggested I wait to see if she started to contribute in a small way but I think it’s become a test and agree it’s not healthy. Refining the terms at this point seems a little tricky and agree I’m partly at fault by seeming happy to pay and not directly asking if she’d be ok splitting at any point. I should have done that when the bill came at the jazz club for the drink we each had. I had no issue buying the tickets for the jazz or art as it was my idea and I would have done so even with girls who’d indicated from the first date they wanted to go 50:50 on restaurant checks/bar tabs etc. And there were other little things: -she thinks two months is a serious long term relationship. -the only questions she’s asked me so far are what I’m looking for and when my last serious relationship was which along with letting me pay seems to indicate she’s looking for a provider type. Even when I asked her questions such as what was the last film she watched or what holidays she had planned this year she never asked the questions back -she kept talking about her family beach house and farm and how her father has an important job in government and there are lots of doctors in her family and how most of her friends in Brazil are on drugs and how she lived in the most exclusive neighbourhood in Rio and how she has four masters. I don’t think it’s intentional bragging but I think it does indicate we might be from very different worlds as it sounds as though she’s from a privileged background by her country’s standards at least. I’m pretty normal middle class etc. I am inclined to take a step back. Wait for an indication from her that she’s keen to see me again. And in the meantime explore other options.

Oh also I let her choose the picnic items as the picnic add on was her idea and she barely touched the large meat and cheese platter she selected but then when i checked the time and realised we were running a little late she insisted that we finish the wine (the bottle was half full at this point). I said that I don’t want anymore and was fine to throw the rest but she said it would be a shame to let it go to waste and poured herself a large cup and drank it quickly. My fault for not keeping a better eye on the time but was a little weird.