Public Displays of Affection

[BeaTlesFan77]

So tonight I went to my usual Wednesday night bar. Everything was fine until this man and woman sitting right next to me started making out. As somebody who is struggling in the social world and frustrated, I started to feel anger building up inside of me. Almost to the point where I wanted to yell at them to get a room. Instead of doing this or throwing a drink at them, I ended up resorting to breathing techniques that I have learned.  It helped to calm me down at the time and not do anything I would regret. However, the rest of the evening after they were gone, it still hurt and reminded me how much I have been longing to have human contact like that.

How do all of you who have been in this type of situation handle this or what do you think about to feel better?

[Kwothe28]

36 minutes ago, BeaTlesFan77 said:

How do all of you who have been in this type of situation handle this or what do you think about to feel better?

Is it cringe? Yes

Is it something to have a panic attack for? No.

Its on you to regulate your reaction to stuff. I dont like public displays of affection too. But I dont have a panic attack if people kiss and make up in front of me. You need to fave a filter for that kind of stuff. Meaning to just not be bothered. For example, I think lots of stuff, including stuff like “gossiping” are cringe. But I dont go around scolding people for it. You can move away, you can do your own stuff and not be bothered etc. Your reaction tells more about you than about them.

For example, are you upset that they made up in front of you or that you dont have somebody to do it with? Because even if I had somebody I am not that forward to made up in front of whole bar. So its dubious why you would even want something like that. I understand human contact part. Just that, again, that part is telling more about you than about them.

[Batya33]

If someone is doing something that bothers me I try to change my seat.  That includes - loud phone, loud inappropriate conversation, sitting too close to me, a barking or leaping dog, or a young child where the child is allowed to get in my space, etc.  I certainly felt jealous at times when I was trying to conceive and saw moms with their babies, when I was struggling in relationships and saw perfect looking couples in love and engaged or married, and -such is life.  PDA is fine IMO - I've done my share -not right next to someone but it's part of life at a bar I would think.  Also remind yourself you do not know their story.  You do not know if they are happy together, were happily buzzed together, or just met that day.  

Over 20 years ago I was at my favorite italian restaurant. My platonic male friend of many years invited me.  At night for dinner.  We sat across from each other laughing and smiling as always. Then he took out a ring box and opened it.  A gorgeous engagement ring! Someone at a neighboring table gasped.

He wanted to show me the ring he'd bought for his girlfriend -he was going to propose very soon.  Imagine if a woman who was frustrated like you saw this scene momentarily and was insanely jealous lol.  

Also around that era I'd gone out with P once or twice.  We had a plan for another date.  I was at a singles dance.  My friend B showed up and he told me - his ex was in the room and he wanted to make her jealous -would I please dance with him (we'd dated in the distant past). Yes. We danced. 

A couple of days later I had my date with P -he explained he'd seen me at that event dancing with B (no -we were not at all very close and no PDA!) - was soooooo angry that he left and went out and got drunk.  He was very awkward socially and had said some other odd things so I decided not to see him again.  I found his reaction bizarre and found his telling me bizarre -we'd gone out once or twice at the most!

So good for you for doing deep breathing and I'm sorry it kept bothering you.  I can relate to the lingering and annoying feelings -felt exactly the same when I was unhappily single and unhappily childless - I endured some cruel comments from smug married people back in those days and it hurt and I too would have liked to throw a drink at one or two of them.  But I didn't. I hope you feel better. 

[TeeDee]

The fact that you go so angry in this situation is the alarming part. 

I'm sorry you feel so isolated but throwing a drink at people for tacky PDA is not the answer. 

I'm glad you had your breathing techniques to help calm you.  Talk to who ever taught you those to practice more social skills in an effort to reduce the loneliness that is upsetting you so much. 

[lostandhurt]

What works for me is I ask myself why I am really upset or angry.  Is it them or the situation or is it me?

In this case and although it was not in the best taste to make out at the bar (that is why they invented corner booths) 😉 it seems it wasn't what they were doing but how you feel inside.  I would imagine if you were in a relationship or had someone  in your life your reaction would be way different.

Many times we project our internal struggles onto the rest of the world.  The fact that you ask the question means you are aware of yourself and are not blaming others but it is hard to look onto others that have what you desire so much and not feel something negative.

  Lost

[catfeeder]

Congrats on the breathing technique. This has taught you one way to control your focus. Another is to shift your emotional thinking into rational thinking, which taps a different part of the brain. One example of rational thinking is creative problem-solving.

So, a question I like to ask myself is, "Do I want to dwell and sulk and drill myself into a deeper hole of feeling lousy, or can I come up with a list of some steps toward getting something I want, instead?" 

In your case, maybe this incident is a clue that frequenting this one place every Wednesday is getting boring, and maybe it's time to change up your habits to explore other places and things to do?

Resilience is a life skill that's on each of us to adopt as a goal and learn how to develop.

Head high.

[yogacat]

10 hours ago, BeaTlesFan77 said:

So tonight I went to my usual Wednesday night bar. Everything was fine until this man and woman sitting right next to me started making out. As somebody who is struggling in the social world and frustrated, I started to feel anger building up inside of me. Almost to the point where I wanted to yell at them to get a room. Instead of doing this or throwing a drink at them, I ended up resorting to breathing techniques that I have learned.  It helped to calm me down at the time and not do anything I would regret. However, the rest of the evening after they were gone, it still hurt and reminded me how much I have been longing to have human contact like that.

How do all of you who have been in this type of situation handle this or what do you think about to feel better?

I went to a venue that featured a small concert, I thought everyone was there to watch the singer perform, after the singer finished singing, people started making out like crazy. One man ripped open the shirt of a woman he was heavily making out with at the bar, literally right next to me, and her boobs were hanging out while another person was groping her.

I was mortified.🫣

It turned out it was an UNDERGROUND SWINGERS PARTY and I high tailed it outta there!!

I wasn't angry though, just extremely uncomfortable...

I just tried to focus on the music and eventually left the venue to get some fresh air. I reminded myself that everyone has different preferences and ways of expressing themselves, and it's not something I should take personally or let bother me. I also thought about the fact that I may not be comfortable with public displays of affection, but that doesn't mean others aren't allowed to engage in it.

Sure, couples that are in love and affectionate towards each other, no biggie, but when the PDA is excessive and inappropriate for the social setting, I just remove myself from the situation and focus on something else. It's not worth ruining my own night over something I cannot control.

[Cherylyn]

Just ignore and look the other way.  They only have an audience if you participate by watching their show.  🙄

I really don't care about other people's public displays of affection.  It doesn't faze me because I have better things to do.  I avert my eyes and focus my attention on whatever suits me. 

Don't feel uncomfortable because when you don't care,  there is no discomfort anymore and this mindset applies to your entire life. 

Don't be fooled by public displays of affection because you don't know what people are really like behind closed doors or when you get to know them upon closer examination.  This is when you see warts and all.  Their true character and personality can be quite ugly.  Some people are quite deceiving.  They'll show you what they want you to see publicly or socially and when you get to know them more closely,  you're in for a very rude awakening.  Some people are two faced so beware.  Some people possess a Jekkyl 'n Hyde personality. 

Then there are other types of people who will paw their partner or spouse as if they're their property and can be very manipulative,  controlling,  possessive and they wear the pants in the family.  I've observed this trait which is quite disturbing. 

Be careful what you wish for.  It's not all chirping birds and butterflies in this world.  🫢 Someday your naivete will be no more.

 

[BeaTlesFan77]

10 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

For example, are you upset that they made up in front of you or that you dont have somebody to do it with?

Just upset that it's been frustrating these days to find that for myself. 

[BeaTlesFan77]

Thanks everyone for your input.  I've been feeling much better since I had a great night's sleep.  I was a little embarrassed looking back at this now and yes I admit it was overreacting.  Some great takeaways for me with changing my focus on how to solve a problem instead of dwelling and sulking on it, it's a great time to change things up, and to remind myself that I don't know their whole story. 

[itsallgrand]

I'm so sorry you have been feeling so low about not finding your special person yet. I'd give you a hug if I could. 

[BeaTlesFan77]

1 hour ago, yogacat said:

 

I was mortified.🫣

It turned out it was an UNDERGROUND SWINGERS PARTY and I high tailed it outta there!!

I wasn't angry though, just extremely uncomfortable...

 

Oh wow!  That must have been really awkward. 

[BeaTlesFan77]

3 minutes ago, itsallgrand said:

I'm so sorry you have been feeling so low about not finding your special person yet. I'd give you a hug if I could. 

Thanks.  🤗

[Coily]

Late to the party, been making out at a bar...

Having felt that isolation when out and about, it's hard. Sometimes there's the jealousy, and sometimes it's feeling that things are being forced on you.

I have found dry humor and sarcasm are my go to when having this level of inconsiderateness thrown in my face. From the simple "Get a room" to quoting something MST3k at someone making out the Punch Side-Iron way. It's about sewing a little confusion so you can laugh at their expressions.

[catfeeder]

2 hours ago, BeaTlesFan77 said:

...Some great takeaways for me with changing my focus on how to solve a problem instead of dwelling and sulking on it, it's a great time to change things up,

Great! Glad to hear this. You can problem-solve something other than the thing that's bothering you in that moment. It's a distracting reward, and it shifts you away from dwelling on something you don't know how to solve at the time.

For instance, for most of my life I've opted to shift celebrating my birthday away from the week on which it falls, because it's so close to a holiday that inflates prices. Yet, on my actual birthday, I'd feel anxious and sad. Attempting to solve that particular issue wouldn't have helped--I can't change the holiday. So instead, I've decided to always plan ahead to have a project or some fun non-birthday related plans on that day.

So in your case, you might want to avoid trying to come up with solutions to meeting people and dating during times that you feel more sad than inspired about that. Instead, reward yourself with something fun to plan or research, and keep in mind that the more fun you can build into your life on your own terms, the more likely a potential partner will be attracted to your overall enthusiasm for living. Head high.

[ShySoul]

Give yourself a break for feeling that way, it's perfectly understandable. When you feel alone and are struggling, seeing others with the happiness you long for is tough. I've been depressed by the mere sight of people holding hands.To have them shoving their tongues down each others throats would be a nightmare, something no one needs to see regardless of their relationship status.

I'm partial to rolling my eyes, laughing at them, and moving somewhere else. There the ones making public fools of themselves as I doubt anyone else was enjoying the show. Getting upset won't change the situation or make you feel better. It only causes you to stew in your own fustrations and feel worse. So do something else that will make you feel better. Talk to someone else that's there. Head to the pool table. Find another bar free from unwanted distractions. You were out to have fun, right? So have fun. 

[BeaTlesFan77]

5 minutes ago, ShySoul said:

Give yourself a break for feeling that way, it's perfectly understandable. When you feel alone and are struggling, seeing others with the happiness you long for is tough. I've been depressed by the mere sight of people holding hands.To have them shoving their tongues down each others throats would be a nightmare, something no one needs to see regardless of their relationship status.

I'm partial to rolling my eyes, laughing at them, and moving somewhere else. There the ones making public fools of themselves as I doubt anyone else was enjoying the show. Getting upset won't change the situation or make you feel better. It only causes you to stew in your own fustrations and feel worse. So do something else that will make you feel better. Talk to someone else that's there. Head to the pool table. Find another bar free from unwanted distractions. You were out to have fun, right? So have fun. 

Mainly there for the half off food, but yes fun as well.  LOL!

[yogacat]

22 hours ago, BeaTlesFan77 said:

Oh wow!  That must have been really awkward. 

It was highly awkward for sure! I hope you're feeling a bit better 💗

[BeaTlesFan77]

On 6/7/2024 at 12:47 PM, yogacat said:

It was highly awkward for sure! I hope you're feeling a bit better 💗

Thank you for your kind words Yoga.  I did go to one of my favorite sushi places last night where some of my bad feelings resurfaced.  However, it wasn't like the other night which included violence.  This time it was more being one of the only people alone in a crowded place.  I just remembered some of the things that were discussed in this thread.  Mainly, how can I fix this instead of sulking?  It helped and I got over it quickly.  It also helped to have another great nights sleep. 

[ShySoul]

1 hour ago, BeaTlesFan77 said:

his time it was more being one of the only people alone in a crowded place.  I just remembered some of the things that were discussed in this thread.  Mainly, how can I fix this instead of sulking?  It helped and I got over it quickly.  It also helped to have another great nights sleep

One is the loneliest number and there's no where more lonely then being alone in a crowd. But you got through it and you'll get through it next time too. Hopefully it keeps getting easier with time. Sleep does tend to make a difference. That and laughter. 

Keep the faith. You'll be fine.

[BeaTlesFan77]

1 minute ago, ShySoul said:

One is the loneliest number and there's no where more lonely then being alone in a crowd. But you got through it and you'll get through it next time too. Hopefully it keeps getting easier with time. Sleep does tend to make a difference. That and laughter. 

Keep the faith. You'll be fine.

Absolutely!  Laughter is an instant vacation.