Am I being paranoid?

[Lost_Confused326]

tl:dr I know but.....

About two weeks ago as I’m heading out to band rehearsals, my(44/m) girlfriend (38) of 10 years says something along the lines of maybe my bandmates, who are married, could be our swinging buddies.  I was floored by this.  This has never came up before.  I thought our sex life was fine.  She told me I didn’t want to bang her.  I mean I’m usually ready to go at a moments notice.  All she has to do is give the OK.  Sometimes I am busy.  I have a 40 hour a week job.  Play in 2 different bands, and have a 11 year old child.  There is a lot on my plate.  

After I got home we had a good talk about it.  Still not sure if it’s something I want to do, but it was a good talk, afterwards I felt OK.

2 days later in a store I was trying to help her do something on her phone.  I see a snapchat from a dude.  I ask who was that.  She said it was somebody from her game.

For context she has been playing an online game obsessive for months.  She lost her job going on a year ago, unemployment ran out a few months back and it seems she has no desire to do anything.  She thinks she can get disability for her ADHD, but from what I hear that’s really hard.  It seems to me that her days & nights are filled scrolling social media, watching reels and playing this game.

Another reason I’m busy a lot is because of her lack of income.  I play in 2 bands for xtra $, I sold my car for a ***tier one so I don’t have a car payment too.  Also trying to quit cigs to save $, but I don’t really want to.  I know I know I should quit.  I told her when she moved in with me I never expected anything from her and always to pay what she could.  She didn’t have a great job when we met and couldn’t afford much.

She told me she chats with a lot of ppl from this game, and exchanged no personal or intimate details with anyone.  The day after I saw the Snap, I asked to see her phone and she deleted Snapchat because she said she saw how upset it made me. 

We had another talk the next day.  Where she tells me the same thing she has told me the past few times we talked about our relationship.  I don’t pay enough attention to her.  To quote “I don’t look at her anymore”.  Also she accused me of just snuggling/cuddling if I only want sex.  She mentioned that awhile ago so I try more often to just do that without initiating sex.  I heartily disagree with what she said.  As this came up before I feel like I really do try to pay more attention and do the things she asks. 

After this talk we had very adventurous sex.  Toys and anal.  Toys are used occasionally over the years, but we tried anal in like year 1.  She didn’t seem into it and I can give or take it and it was never brought up or tried again.

Today while playing the game I was sitting next to her and asked to see all her DM’s in this game.  There was a ton from both men and women.  Too much to see, but the ones I saw were pretty much game related.  I saw one that said her profile picture was pretty. After I started reading she took her phone into the bathroom.  I asked her where was the guy she was snapchatting with but she said I didn’t chat with him for awhile, and I didn’t see the username on the list of DM’s.  Like I said it was a pretty big list.

So basically, I think she’s being a bit shady with stuff.  I mean am I being paranoid?  She has never given me a reason to think she was untrustworthy in 10 years, but just in the last week or so all this has came up, and I’m not really feeling good about it.  She’s also not the type to just throw out ideas like swinging or anal, which makes me think she’s getting ideas like this from other people probably from the people she’s chatting with in this game. 

I’m at a loss.  I don’t want to throw 10 years down the drain, I love her.  I told her while talking about all this to please be honest with me, and she said she has, but something inside is telling me she’s not being 100% honest.    

Looking for any advice, no sarcasm needed.  This has been really tearing me up inside, my mind just keeps racing.  Haven’t been eating or sleeping good since all this began. 

tl;dr Am I being paranoid?

[Andrina]

I only know that a partner with zero work ethic would be a dealbreaker for me. Life is expensive and I want to enjoy my retirement without financial worry and don't want to work until I die. I've made those arrangements for myself, and expect the same from my partner. Why should a healthy, young partner ride on my tail coats for a free ride?

Suggesting swinging would also have me pointing my partner to the permanent exit door.

If you think this is a prized partner and that love conquers all, you're both naive and have extremely low self-worth. Perhaps if you get time and distance away from all of this, you will see that being free to eventually find a decent partner was the best decision you ever made.

[Batya33]

Have you two been on the same page about marriage? Meaning both into it or both not? I think her perspective is being fueled by her unemployment and too much screen time in particular with this game.  You chose to set up this dynamic as her financial provider.  Why? Do you still want that role? If not then you need to communicate that the Bank is now closed.  She can work - she can do retail, babysit/petsit/dog walk whatever even with ADHD right? 

[Lost_Confused326]

3 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Have you two been on the same page about marriage? Meaning both into it or both not? I think her perspective is being fueled by her unemployment and too much screen time in particular with this game.  You chose to set up this dynamic as her financial provider.  Why? Do you still want that role? If not then you need to communicate that the Bank is now closed.  She can work - she can do retail, babysit/petsit/dog walk whatever even with ADHD right? 

Totally on the same marriage page, we've both been married & divorced and we're both cool with not getting married again.  I feel like I didn't ask for anything at the start and I shouldn't ask for anything now.  We're still doing OK financially, and until we're not I don't mind.  Also feel like she would do the same if the roles were reversed.  She can work with the ADHA, I think it's more anxiety & social awkwardness that inhibits her. 

[DarkCh0c0]

2 hours ago, Lost_Confused326 said:

The day after I saw the Snap, I asked to see her phone and she deleted Snapchat because she said she saw how upset it made me. 

You mean because she didn't want you to see the truth of the emotional affairs she's having.

You're absolutely not paranoid. She's just good at guilt-tripping you.

I would re-evaluate the relationship and decide whether it's worth being with someone who clearly has one foot out of the door, is disloyal to you, lying to your face, and is taking advantage of your generosity and kindness.

[Lost_Confused326]

1 minute ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

You mean because she didn't want you to see the truth of the emotional affairs she's having.

You're absolutely not paranoid. She's just good at guilt-tripping you.

I would re-evaluate the relationship and decide whether it's worth being with someone who clearly has one foot out of the door, is disloyal to you, lying to your face, and is taking advantage of your generosity and kindness.

I'm unfamiliar with snapchat, but isn't that the one where chats disappear?  So not like I would have seen anything anyway. 

[DarkCh0c0]

1 hour ago, Lost_Confused326 said:

I'm unfamiliar with snapchat, but isn't that the one where chats disappear?  So not like I would have seen anything anyway. 

They could be sharing nudes or inappropriate DMs.

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, Lost_Confused326 said:

Totally on the same marriage page, we've both been married & divorced and we're both cool with not getting married again.  I feel like I didn't ask for anything at the start and I shouldn't ask for anything now.  We're still doing OK financially, and until we're not I don't mind.  Also feel like she would do the same if the roles were reversed.  She can work with the ADHA, I think it's more anxiety & social awkwardness that inhibits her. 

If roles were reversed -if you weren't working and obsessed with an online game? The situation has changed.  And sure if you "don't mind" that's fine -but now you're subsidizing her ability to game all day and flirt/sext with people.

[Lost_Confused326]

25 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

They could be sharing nudes or inappropriate DMs.

True, but I wouldn't know anyway right?  Like they disappear?  When she said nothing has been texted or exchanged that was inappropriate or no personal/intimate details have been shared, I have no reason not to believe her.  In the 10 years, she has never given me a reason not to trust her. 

[Batya33]

7 minutes ago, Lost_Confused326 said:

True, but I wouldn't know anyway right?  Like they disappear?  When she said nothing has been texted or exchanged that was inappropriate or no personal/intimate details have been shared, I have no reason not to believe her.  In the 10 years, she has never given me a reason not to trust her. 

What common values or stuff do you have with a person who won't look for employment for over a year, games all day, inappropriately texts people in secretive ways and would enjoy being a swinger?

[catfeeder]

4 hours ago, Andrina said:

I only know that a partner with zero work ethic would be a dealbreaker for me.

I'd be even more committed to a hardline approach with someone I actually love rather than allow her to regress into a juvenile dependant, which will wreck her life.

I'd give her three options: 1) sign a written agreement to move out by x date unless she's found a legal full time job and begins a contribution of $x.xx dollars to me every month with first payment due on x date, OR, 2) move out by the end of the month, and I will assist her by paying her new landlord the first month plus security, OR 3) fight with me about any of this before either option 1 or 2 are completed, and she'll need to comply with the eviction notice for which I've already filed, and she'll have no financial help from me to do so.

Those are her choices. She can expect the eviction notice to be served within the week. If she's busy engaging an online affair, she'll need to convert that into a place to live right away, or she'll need to get busy finding work and/or another place to live. Otherwise, not another penny of financial help from me, and I'll enforce the eviction.

 

 

[Lost_Confused326]

I didn't say I wouldn't be against swinging.  Like I said we had a good talk about it.  And she was earning for most of the last year with unemployment, so it hasn't been a full year of no income. 

[Lost_Confused326]

1 minute ago, catfeeder said:

I'd be even more committed to a hardline approach with someone I actually love rather than allow her to regress into a juvenile dependant, which will wreck her life.

I'd give her three options: 1) sign a written agreement to move out by x date unless she's found a legal full time job and begins a contribution of $x.xx dollars to me every month with first payment due on x date, OR, 2) move out by the end of the month, and I will assist her by paying her new landlord the first month plus security, OR 3)  fight with me about any of this before either option 1 or 2 are completed, and she'll need to comply with the eviction notice for which I've already filed, and she'll have no financial help from me to do so.

Those are her choices. She can expect the eviction notice to be served within the week. If she's busy engaging an online affair, she'll need to convert that into a place to live right away, or she'll need to get busy finding work and/or another place to live. Otherwise, not another penny of financial help from me, and I'll enforce the eviction.

 

 

That all seems harsh considering it's been a pretty good 10 years, and this just might be me feeling paranoia. 

[Jaunty]

The nature of your relationship is confusing.   You've been going along "fine" for a decade and now all of a sudden there are several dramatic red flags. 

Have you had misgivings about your relationship and perhaps her character over the years, at all?  

Before she lost her job a year ago, was she more engaged in different aspects of life besides a game, reels and her phone?  

Does she engage with your daughter a lot?

[catfeeder]

Just now, Lost_Confused326 said:

That all seems harsh considering it's been a pretty good 10 years, and this just might be me feeling paranoia. 

It's not harsh, it's loving. It's also adulting. If you want to allow this woman to unravel on your dime, then here you are. That's not exactly looking out for her best interests, is it?

[Lost_Confused326]

Hardly any misgivings at all, and usually if there was one it was just my mind racing in the wrong direction or jumping to incorrect conclusions.  She was more engaged, but she's always been into the phone stuff.  And she engages with my daughter wonderfully and my daughter loves her.  In all but name she is her step-mom. 

[Lost_Confused326]

1 minute ago, catfeeder said:

It's not harsh, it's loving. It's also adulting. If you want to allow this woman to unravel on your dime, then here you are. That's not exactly looking out for her best interests, is it?

I also think it's depression maybe.  She has been going to see a therapist lately too. 

[catfeeder]

Just now, Lost_Confused326 said:

I also think it's depression maybe.  She has been going to see a therapist lately too. 

Nothing aids depression better than an enforced need to step up and engage the real world beyond the screen.

[Lost_Confused326]

So does therapy

[DarkCh0c0]

29 minutes ago, Lost_Confused326 said:

When she said nothing has been texted or exchanged that was inappropriate or no personal/intimate details have been shared, I have no reason not to believe her. 

Yes you do. The fact she deleted the app to hide stuff you wouldn't accept from you.

[Lost_Confused326]

Or maybe she was being truthful?  As I've stated she's never lied or given me a reason not to trust her before. I know there is a first time for everything, but shouldn't someone be given the benefit of doubt?

[DarkCh0c0]

23 minutes ago, Lost_Confused326 said:

Or maybe she was being truthful?  As I've stated she's never lied or given me a reason not to trust her before. I know there is a first time for everything, but shouldn't someone be given the benefit of doubt?

Yes. Before.

But people change.

You want to give her the benefit of the doubt, go ahead. But if anything suss re-occurs, you need to stand up to yourself.

[tattoobunnie]

Speaking as someone with ADHD married to someone with ADHD, both in high level positions, she can go get a J-O-B.  She is just stalling with the worst excuse possible as she mooches off of you.  Just because you have been with someone for a decade, does not mean they get you should love them unconditionally.  Nor does it mean, she'd never cheat.  Her entire life consists of gaming now. 

Let me guess, World of Warcraft?

This is not going to get better with you enabling her behavior.  You finance her gaming lifestyle; I hope you realize this.  

[catfeeder]

1 hour ago, Lost_Confused326 said:

So does therapy

Not when one's only occupation is video gaming. Then therapy is just navel gazing with nothing productive to apply it to and nothing to show for all that money.

Do what you want. Freeloading isn't against the law if it's consensual, but it's certainly not doing her any favors, and no wonder she's depressed.

[smackie9]

She's fallen into an addiction...gaming. Along with gaming there's interaction/attention from others. When people fall into an addiction, they lose themselves, their relationship and all sense of reality. Cheat steal and lie just like any other kind of addiction. She's trying ways to push you away, her own life of what it was and all sense of what she was. She's trying to make it easier to spend more time gaming, by applying for disability instead of snapping out of it, and be a grown a$$ adult. She really needs help. She needs an intervention/ultimatum. DO NOT put up with this. If it means leaving her then so be it. She has to understand the gravity of the situation. It has to stop. Don't be such a pushover to appease her.