Am I being paranoid?

[Kwothe28]

Have you heard that story about that guy who is desperately trying to make enough money for a family while his SO complains how he doesnt pay attention to her so she cheats? Well, you are that dude now. Somebody who "stretched far enough" and it still isnt enough for an ungrateful mess you call a girlfriend.

Leave the dead weight behind. From what I gathered, your kid is with different person and you can just leave this one and focus on yourself and your kid. And leave this "NEET" behind so she can have sex with whoever she wants. But without you sponsoring her while she does it.

[Batya33]

Also do you really want this role model for  your daughter?

I don't think she wants to swing -she's just using it as a euphemistic label so she can have sex with other men.

[MissCanuck]

You're not just paranoid. 

There are red flags all over this - and not just related to the fact that she is almost surely engaging inappropriately with other men. 

[AndyPandy]

On 6/7/2024 at 12:56 PM, Lost_Confused326 said:

Another reason I’m busy a lot is because of her lack of income.  I play in 2 bands for xtra $, I sold my car for a ***tier one so I don’t have a car payment too.  Also trying to quit cigs to save $, but I don’t really want to.  I know I know I should quit.  I told her when she moved in with me I never expected anything from her and always to pay what she could.  She didn’t have a great job when we met and couldn’t afford much.

This woman is not a partner, she's a passenger. You're enabling so many unhealthy dynamics with your GF. She couldn't afford much when you first met and now she can't afford anything. I know what it's like to get laid off and face long-term unemployment but I wouldn't dream of sitting around and allowing my significant other to foot the bill for my living expenses whilst I entertained myself without a care in the world.

You have a situation where she's been unemployed for almost a year, has expended her social security allowance and sits around playing online video games whilst you have to subsidise her existence? This is wrong on so many levels and can only end in tears.

[Lost_Confused326]

Well pretty much everybody was right.  Found sexting to the guy yesterday.  This is just unraveling multiple levels of pain.  The emotional cheating, the lying, the fact she told me "it's not real" as her justifcation.  Almost like she has no empathy at all.  Left the house stayed in a hotel.  Hopefully going to see my therapist today or tomorrow.  I feel so broken and empty.  

[Andrina]

On 6/11/2024 at 7:18 AM, Lost_Confused326 said:

Left the house stayed in a hotel.

You're still continuing a dynamic of putting her needs above yours when she hasn't deserved that spot. In your shoes, I would've given her 30 days to find a new place to live and in the meantime, she'd be moving to the spare room or couch. Why should you spend good money and move out of your own place?

Good luck in extricating from a toxic relationship. It's tough but necessary to eventually get to a good place in your life, which your therapist will be able to guide you through.

[Lost_Confused326]

Well I felt like an anxiety attack coming on, I just wanted to get out.  Like I just couldn't be there anymore. 

Since coming back the next day we've been talking a lot.  She understands everything she did to hurt me.  I really didn't see how she thought what she was doing was OK, but she admitted it wasn't.  I told her to think about what she wants.  I do love her, I do love the life we've built, and I don't really want to lose it or her, but I laid down everything I want and expect.  I told her now is her opportunity to do what she wants, where she wants, with whomever she wants.  She said she wants to try to work it out.  I told her that her expectation of privacy is gone, and it will take a long time to build back the trust she threw away, and she said she understands.  She seems to be doing the things I said she needs to do, and that she knows she needs to do, but it's only been a few days.  

Just trying to take one day at a time.  Our talks have made me feel better, so we'll see I guess.  If we do end up staying together and this happens again, then it's on me.  I do believe in second chances but we'll see.  

[Kwothe28]

19 minutes ago, Lost_Confused326 said:

She seems to be doing the things I said she needs to do, and that she knows she needs to do

Do you really think she would do anything but continue being unfaithful in time? She literally got no consequences of her action. What did you do in order for her to get at least some consequence? Move to a hotel so she could have the whole house for herself so she can mesaage her other man in peace?

This will continue to happen if its even over at all. Because now she knows she can do it without you raising too much fuss about it. Insteae of just throwing her in the streets where she belongs it was you who left her whole home. All she has to do is to promise she wont do it anymore and everything would be OK.

[Batya33]

4 hours ago, Lost_Confused326 said:

  I told her that her expectation of privacy is gone, and it will take a long time to build back the trust she threw away, and she said she understands.  She seems to be doing the things I said she needs to do, and that she knows she needs to do, but it's only been a few days.  

How do you plan to monitor her movements? What stomach/headache medication do you have on hand  that works for stress and anxiety of monitoring someone who so recently showed you she cannot be trusted to be loyal to you? Are you going to be some sort of prison guard with your "no expectation of privacy" thing? What kind of a relationship is that? 

Obviously anyone can keep it up for a few days.  How long will you keep up your refrain of "but I love her" so even if she treats me as she has and even if I have to anoint myself her jailer love is enough. 

I know you know better.

[Lost_Confused326]

So you don't believe in second chances?  Or that people can actually change?

[tattoobunnie]

She's on her 7th chance.  It doesn't matter if you love her...she doesn't love you.  You are her meal ticket.

I know it sucks...bad...but this is a person who flat out doesn't care how you feel, nor prioritizes you.

1st chance - when you start dating

On 6/7/2024 at 7:56 AM, Lost_Confused326 said:

2) maybe my bandmates could be our swinging buddies

3) For context she has been playing an online game obsessive for months

4) The day after I saw the Snap, I asked to see her phone and she deleted Snapchat because she said she saw how upset it made me. 

5) I saw one that said her profile picture was pretty. After I started reading she took her phone into the bathroom. 

On 6/11/2024 at 7:18 AM, Lost_Confused326 said:

6) Found sexting to the guy yesterday. 

7th chance - now after you've enabled her awful behavior with zero repercussions as her doormat.

You are not the bad guy here; just the one being gaslight that it's your fault she's sexting a bunch of other dudes.  

Give her 30 days to leave.  You can still work things out, but she should have zero privilege off mooching off of you.  She needs to stand on her own two feet, or nothing will change.  She will just get smarter at how she deletes messages.

[Lost_Confused326]

On 6/7/2024 at 8:14 AM, Batya33 said:

Have you two been on the same page about marriage? Meaning both into it or both not? I think her perspective is being fueled by her unemployment and too much screen time in particular with this game.  You chose to set up this dynamic as her financial provider.  Why? Do you still want that role? If not then you need to communicate that the Bank is now closed.  She can work - she can do retail, babysit/petsit/dog walk whatever even with ADHD right? 

Absolutley on the same page about marriage.  We've both been there and done that, we're good.  I don't still want that role and one of the things I communicated that I know I should have a while ago was that she needs to find a job.  She reiterated that she knows and she started looking again. 

[Andrina]

On 6/11/2024 at 7:18 AM, Lost_Confused326 said:

Found sexting to the guy yesterday. 

 

1 hour ago, Lost_Confused326 said:

So you don't believe in second chances?  Or that people can actually change?

So you believe that in 3 days, a person who crosses the line by sexting, which is cheating on their partner and doing something she knows would greatly devastate her partner, will all of a sudden do a 360 and have good ethics and be a decent person? From an outsider looking in, from people who don't love her, we can see things more objectively. The changes she's saying she'll make is a promise that won't happen, and she's lying so that she continues to have shelter and to pay her bills.

You think you're a caring person to give a second chance in instances like this, but that's not being caring to yourself. You're duping yourself because of your love for her. You also duped yourself previously, trying to appease her by considering swinging. You're devastated by the sexting, you were upset with her when you were digging in to her communications with other men, and you actually think you'd be one of those people okay with swinging? You're turning yourself inside out just to hang on to this woman everyone else but you can see is not worth any man's devotion nor a second of anyone's precious time.

[catfeeder]

She'd already proven her disloyalty to you long before she involved other guys. She's been mistreating you even while she mooches off you financially, and that alone I'd find intolerable.

If you believe she won't just get sneakier and 'better' at hiding her attempts to cheat or find someone wealthier, that's too bad. She'll probably buy herself a burner phone on your dime. If you find out, she'll just say it's for her 'work search'...

[rainbowsandroses]

I propose that you tell her (kindly) you are no longer in a position to carry her financially, that she needs to start looking for and getting a job.

See how long she sticks around after that. 

Yes I do believe in second chances, unfortunately NOT here. 

It hurts me to say that because you do seem like a good caring man and I can see how much you love her.

Love yourself first. 

Respect yourself first.

Words to live by IMHO.

 

 

[Batya33]

It's transparent to reply with the tired old cliche/generalization "so you don't believe in second chances".  Of course I do. Particularly because I am a wife and a mother and used to be a manager of several employees. And I'm human.   In this situation I would not give her another chance and I agree with all of the others.

[MissCanuck]

This isn't about believing in second chances, OP. 

This is about recognizing when someone doesn't love you anymore.  Her heart and mind are long gone from this relationship. Earning back your trust isn't going to change that. 

[Lost_Confused326]

Well she seems to be saying all the right things, wants to stay together, knows she messed up, is looking for a job.  So I guess time will tell.  I def. laid out that if I'm not the one for her, if I'm not fulfilling her needs, then this is the time to move on, but she said she's thought about it too and wants to stay. 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Lost_Confused326 said:

Well she seems to be saying all the right things, wants to stay together, knows she messed up, is looking for a job.  So I guess time will tell.  I def. laid out that if I'm not the one for her, if I'm not fulfilling her needs, then this is the time to move on, but she said she's thought about it too and wants to stay. 

Watch the feet -what she does - not the lips -what she says.  Looking for a job is a positive, adult step.  What needs -the need to lie?

[Lost_Confused326]

To be fair, I probably haven't been the most attentive partner at year 10.  Obviously, things are different in year 10 than year 1, but I could be a better partner too.  I've also kept a lot of feelings inside, and I'm trying now to lot let things fester like I have been. 

[Batya33]

5 hours ago, Lost_Confused326 said:

To be fair, I probably haven't been the most attentive partner at year 10.  Obviously, things are different in year 10 than year 1, but I could be a better partner too.  I've also kept a lot of feelings inside, and I'm trying now to lot let things fester like I have been. 

Did you lie and betray/cheat or nearly so?

[Lost_Confused326]

Honestly, early in the relationship, like a couple months in, I think we might have just moved in together, I was still talking to a married woman I was seeing on the side before we got together, and she gave me a 2nd chance after that. 

[Batya33]

4 hours ago, Lost_Confused326 said:

Honestly, early in the relationship, like a couple months in, I think we might have just moved in together, I was still talking to a married woman I was seeing on the side before we got together, and she gave me a 2nd chance after that. 

Why can't you talk to an ex? 

[Lost_Confused326]

Wasn't really an ex, it was a married woman I was having sex with before we got together, and it was sexy talk.  And that's how the open phone thing started.  

[Batya33]

5 hours ago, Lost_Confused326 said:

Wasn't really an ex, it was a married woman I was having sex with before we got together, and it was sexy talk.  And that's how the open phone thing started.  

Oh I see- this is so odd -you want her to be honest but you use the euphemism "talking" to refer to sexting - call it what it is and it was inappropriate. Doesn't mean  you now have to put up with her lies/betrayal.  Sounds like the two of you have a hard time acting consistently with being committed to each other.