Heartbroken…😢

[bdwiii]

It’s been what seems like forever since I’ve been on here, but I’m back because I desperately need some advice on how to handle this situation. 
 

My girlfriend and I are having a baby. Yes, it’s supposed to be one of the most joyous occasions in one’s life which it certainly is to me, as this is my first child ever in my life. It was her third, due to a failed previous relationship. 
 

Nevertheless, I was thrilled and began what is known as male nesting; you know buying things for the baby’s arrival, such as cribs, car seats etc… I couldn’t have been happier. I was there in the hospital by her side when labor was induced and she began having contractions. I asked her if it would be okay if I went home and got a shower and changed clothes and she told me yes, go ahead that’s fine because he’s ( its a boy) isn’t coming until later in the evening. I told her no matter what to please call me when you feel it’s getting closer to that time because I wanted to be with her for the birth of our son. I couldn’t imagine missing that! 
 

she kept in touch with me regularly and would tell me not to worry so much there was time yet and she’ll let me know when to come in so I can be with her. I was so happy and excited! I went to Carter’s and bought him some of the most adorable little outfits. Onesies, socks, and hats which were so cute and I couldn’t wait to see him come into the world.

 

Well, it was getting closer to that time I could just feel it and I called her and she said it’s okay but my mom’s here with me right now but I’ll call you right back. Now her mother and I were never very chummy or close if you will. I don’t know why exactly because I had always been very polite and tried to let her know of my sincerity. So in any case, I told her okay enjoy your time with your mother and let me know when she leaves so I can get there in time.

 

Well another hour passed and nothing so I called her room and got no answer. To make a long story short, her mother monopolized the entire situation and she never called me to tell me to get in there, my son is being born! No, she just took over and she gave birth to him with her mother there, not me. All the while I’m sitting here waiting so anxiously and wanting to be with her for what undoubtedly would be the most beautiful experience of my life. And she stole that from me. 😔

 

Should I be feeling hurt and a little resentful about this though, do I have a right to feel this way because in all honesty that’s what I’m feeling. She ( my girlfriend) finally called me and said that she had him already and her mom was there ( of course), and she was holding him and bonding with him. I told her how I was feeling because she sensed it in my voice. She said stop being so selfish and only thinking about yourself? Really, am I not allowed to feel this way?  I feel I’ve been cheated out of one of the most beautiful experiences of my life and I’m not supposed to feel hurt? 
 

Can someone please give me some advice on this? Yes I’m going in today to see him for the first time and to be with her but I’m having a hard time shaking this feeling and I don’t it to spoil our relationship. Not now, God no, especially not now. Any words of wisdom would be appreciated 

[TeeDee]

Congratulations on the baby. Concentrate on your new son.  

In decades past fathers had nothing to do with the births & were rarely there.  Your son will never know & won't care.  

You now have some inkling as to why your baby mamma has other failed relationships under her belt.  

That said, you could have easily showered, changed & returned without waiting to be invited back.   You had time to go shopping.  When you realized her mom was there, that was your cue to return.  Barring that when you hadn't heard from her that should have clued you in that she might be in labor again prompting you to return.  It's your fault you weren't there.  Nobody was stopping you from returning to the hospital  

Put it behind you & focus on what's important -- your son.  If you decide to stay butt hurt & go to war over this you will destroy your family.  

[Jaunty]

PLEASE don't let it spoil your relationship.

I don't understand why you chose to go shopping etc. and it seems a little farfetched for you to be expecting a phone call from a woman in labor telling you that it's time for you to come to the hospital.  Having a baby is a LOT. Handling your comings and goings should not have been her problem at all -  It is the father's role to be there providing support and sharing in the experience.   personally, I would have been there.   Buying onesies etc - there is time for that later.  But it was your choice.  You were not "cheated."  

Please get past your resentment, this happened because of your own choices.  You have a healthy son, right?   Enjoy your wonderful good fortune and get a good start to your life as a father.

[smackie9]

This is no time to cry over spilt milk...enjoy the new baby. 

[lostandhurt]

Dude seriously?  If anyone has a right to be upset it is your gf.  You left to take a quick shower and return but went shopping and visited with your mother.  To me it looks like you are in the wrong here and have zero reason to be heartbroken.

 Let it go before she realizes you left her there in labor while you went shopping.

Be happy you have a healthy baby boy and his mother is doing fine.  Anything else is your bruised ego showing its ugly face.

Lost

[bdwiii]

15 minutes ago, lostandhurt said:

Dude seriously?  If anyone has a right to be upset it is your gf.  You left to take a quick shower and return but went shopping and visited with your mother.  To me it looks like you are in the wrong here and have zero reason to be heartbroken.

 Let it go before she realizes you left her there in labor while you went shopping.

Be happy you have a healthy baby boy and his mother is doing fine.  Anything else is your bruised ego showing its ugly face.

Lost

No, I wasn’t visiting with my mother. You misread what I had said. I told her to enjoy the time with her mother while she was there with her. And she was the one who told me there was no hurry so I went to get him some outfits for when I went back in to be with her. 
 

But you’re right, everyone is right with their replies and I just needed the evening to sort out my feelings and come to realize that you’re all right, what’s most important now is being the best father I can be for my son and the best husband to her as well. 
 

thank you very much for your reply 

[DarkCh0c0]

47 minutes ago, bdwiii said:

All the while I’m sitting here waiting so anxiously and wanting to be with her for what undoubtedly would be the most beautiful experience of my life. And she stole that from me. 😔

NO.

You should have not left her side. Quick shower was OK, but you should have ran back to the hospital if this moment was so important to you.

Plus, how was she supposed to let you know while she's giving birth? Her mom should have called you, but that didn't happen. 

How long have you guys been dating? 

Is there a bit of lack of knowledge from your end in that you weren't aware that she could give birth anytime earlier?

Last note: do you want to be right or do you want to be happy? I'd learn from this experience and focus on your family 🩷 It's a precious time. Congrats!

[bdwiii]

1 minute ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

NO.

You should have not left her side. Quick shower was OK, but you should have ran back to the hospital if this moment was so important to you.

Plus, how was she supposed to let you know while she's giving birth? Her mom should have called you, but that didn't happen. 

How long have you guys been dating? 

Is there a bit of lack of knowledge from your end in that you weren't aware that she could give birth anytime earlier?

Last note: do you want to be right or do you want to be happy? I'd learn from this experience and focus on your family 🩷 It's a precious time. Congrats!

Thank you and you’re right. I just needed last night to sort through my feelings and come to the same conclusion. The only thing is I wish her mother would have called me and said get in here now. But she called me this morning and we’re fine. She was saying how perfect and beautiful he is, and I just can’t wait to see him and hold him! I’m probably going to cry ( yeah I know I’m a big softy at heart) but how can I help it. This is my first son and I’m overjoyed 

[catfeeder]

Nobody 'stole' anything from you. Instead of returning from your shower, you chose to diddle around and go shopping, asking a woman in labor to call you at precisely the right moment.

Skip your nonsense, enjoy being a great Dad, but improve your OWN judgment in order to operate as one.

[bdwiii]

I want to thank you all for the kind and supportive words and advice. You are all right; w should have just got my butt in there regardless of whether mom was there or not. So yeah, it is my fault for dropping the ball on this. 
 

But what really matters is that he’s a beautiful healthy baby boy and she called me this morning and we’re fine. She was telling me how perfectly beautiful and healthy he is and that he’s getting his first bath soon and afterwards she wants me to come in to see him for the first time! I’m so happy, I’ve never felt so much love for two people in my life ever like I feel now for my girlfriend and my son.  I’m overjoyed 😊

 

Thank you all again. I really appreciate it 

[DarkCh0c0]

10 minutes ago, bdwiii said:

She was telling me how perfectly beautiful and healthy he is and that he’s getting his first bath soon and afterwards she wants me to come in to see him for the first time!

Why did you not go there yet? 

[DarkCh0c0]

I don't get it. You're an adult. A father. 

Why wait until you are given orders by the gf to go there? You don't need any permission. It's baffling!!

[bdwiii]

5 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

Why did you not go there yet? 

Because she asked me to give her a little bit of time before I come in since she’s in a lot of pain and wants to get some much needed rest. Is that so bad or hard to understand?  We’re fine and I will be there very soon. 
 

thanks

[rainbowsandroses]

2 hours ago, bdwiii said:

I was there in the hospital by her side when labor was induced and she began having contractions. I asked her if it would be okay if I went home and got a shower and changed clothes and she told me yes, go ahead that’s fine because he’s ( its a boy) isn’t coming until later in the evening.

^^I find it interesting that once your girlfriend went into labor and having contractions, it was then you decided to go home to take a shower? 

I think it's good you're "somewhat" owning your part however I think it's real important that you get honest with yourself first and foremost and stop hiding behind self-righteousness that you left and didn't return because SHE told you not to and you wanted to play "good dad" by shopping buying your soon-to-be-born son cute little outfits.

Your girlfriend was in labor man, really?  THAT is when she needs you the most, being by her side, holding her hand, supporting and comforting her.  Your strength helps her get through it. 

I do realize many men are uncomfortable witnessing their girlfriends or wives in labor, it's NOT pretty, there's yelling and sweating and pain but it's something a man does when he CARES and is typically very exciting for both, awaiting the birth of their child. 

He doesn't need to be asked or told to be there, it's instinctive, something he does naturally when he gives a *.

Anyway trying not to harshly judge or guilt-trip, I just don't get it.  

That said, congrats on the birth of your son and wishing you all the best. 

 

 

 

[Kwothe28]

I dunno, on one hand it is bad that you missed the birth of your kid. People rarely understand complex “mother in law- son in law” relationship. In a way, she probably doesnt like you or she think the previous one was more suitable for her daughter. Or even that nobody is good enough. She not calling you is a shame. Though it could be argued, that if you knew how she was, you shouldnt have rellied upon her in the first place. And that you should have hurried back.

Also, while the scene of birth is unique opportunity, its not really that important for a kid itself. You could argue that its important to you, that is true. But its far more important for you to be a good dad through his life. So focus on that fact and try to be a good dad from now on.

[DarkCh0c0]

36 minutes ago, bdwiii said:

Because she asked me to give her a little bit of time before I come in since she’s in a lot of pain and wants to get some much needed rest. Is that so bad or hard to understand?  We’re fine and I will be there very soon

But you should be there anyways to comfort her and see your son. Usually, fathers run to the hospitals upon the delivery.

I guess you have some unique dynamic going on, and I understand not wanting to disclose what it's about.

[tattoobunnie]

2 hours ago, bdwiii said:

I went home and got a shower and changed clothes...went to Carter’s and bought him some of the most adorable little outfits. Onesies, socks, and hats...I told her okay enjoy your time with your mother and let me know when she leaves so I can get there in time

Why in the world didn't you just come back, and wait in the waiting room?  And yes, you are being selfish.  A baby comes out when the baby comes out.  I have had two babies, and trust me, when you are close to pushing, you aren't calling anyone on the phone.  You decided to leisurely go home and do whatever you wanted.  WOW! If my husband did that, I would have thrown all his stuff out the window when we got home.

No one is going to call you when they are pushing.  Holy cow...I am mad at you for her.

My advice. LET it GO.  And just focus on the baby, and giving mom time to recoup. 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, bdwiii said:

Thank you and you’re right. I just needed last night to sort through my feelings and come to the same conclusion. The only thing is I wish her mother would have called me and said get in here now. But she called me this morning and we’re fine. She was saying how perfect and beautiful he is, and I just can’t wait to see him and hold him! I’m probably going to cry ( yeah I know I’m a big softy at heart) but how can I help it. This is my first son and I’m overjoyed 

Her mother likely was focusing on her daughter and the birth. My husband was 800 miles away when I went into labor 9 days early.  He arrived right after my epidural 15 hours after I called him.  My mom took me to the hospital.  Once he arrived he didn't leave -my mom left for a quick lunch.  I'm sure he called his parents and his best friend/the godfather who were all local and all were at the hospital all day.  I had a near emergency c section 9.5 hours after arrival - husband was there. I was fine with him leaving to sleep at home -I was out of it anyway! 

I'm glad you came to your senses.  Congratulations!

[TeeDee]

1 hour ago, bdwiii said:

Because she asked me to give her a little bit of time before I come in since she’s in a lot of pain and wants to get some much needed rest. Is that so bad or hard to understand?  We’re fine and I will be there very soon. 

That was your cue to walk around the hospital, visit the cafeteria or sit in the hall, not leave the building 

The idea that you didn't run down there immediately especially because you were hurt & that you are still on the computer responding to this thread baffles me. 

Congratulations again 

[Cherylyn]

You can't undo the past.  From now on,  focus on being a great father.  Congratulations on the birth of your son! 

Remain peaceful with your girlfriend's mother.  Be well mannered and respectful no matter what.  You can't control other people.  However,  you can concentrate on being a great father so do that.  Be kind,  loving, very helpful and very decent.  It's all you can do. 

If your girlfriend's mother is not easy to get along with,  remain polite and calm.  You don't have to get chummy.  Be nice but don't over do it.

Keep the peace and divert your attention to your new son and the mother of your child.  Nothing else is important.  This is your new family so make the best of it. 

[bdwiii]

6 hours ago, tattoobunnie said:

Why in the world didn't you just come back, and wait in the waiting room?  And yes, you are being selfish.  A baby comes out when the baby comes out.  I have had two babies, and trust me, when you are close to pushing, you aren't calling anyone on the phone.  You decided to leisurely go home and do whatever you wanted.  WOW! If my husband did that, I would have thrown all his stuff out the window when we got home.

No one is going to call you when they are pushing.  Holy cow...I am mad at you for her.

My advice. LET it GO.  And just focus on the baby, and giving mom time to recoup. 

No, it seems a lot of you are missing the facts here and in being persecuted for it which I find very unfair and mean actually. SHE was the one who sent me home to shower and change after being there by her side from the crack of dawn till around 12:30 I. The afternoon. I didn’t want to leave her period but SHE said don’t worry you’re not going to miss him being born because my nurse already told me that should be later this evening. It happened at 7:55 pm. 
 

it was HER also who asked me to go to Kohl’s and get him some outfits to wear since he didn’t have anything. I still didn’t like it because I was afraid of this happening. But she was calling me every hour or so and updating me on how dilated she was and such so I could know when to get there. Her mother was there with her at the time and I didn’t want to intrude on a mother daughter moment together either. I was trying to be respectful of her feelings as well! 
 

Then I didn’t hear from her so I called and yet again she said I can’t talk to you now my mom is here. So I was polite and gave her that time. Never once was her nurse or her mother notified to call the father of your baby if he wants to be with her for his delivery. Nothing at all until it was all over. And a lot of you people have me as some irresponsible slouch who didn’t give a *** or know any better. I am neither of these things; it’s not like I was sitting in a bar drinking either. I was waiting eagerly for the arrival of my new son. But in trying to respect her time with her mother and was forgotten and missed everything. 
 

I know some guys could give a *** about being there for that but it meant everything to me because he was MY first child ever!  So please don’t make me out to be the bad guy here when I tried desperately to be there yet minding others feelings and not cause any friction while her mother was there. 
 

Thank you

[bdwiii]

5 hours ago, TeeDee said:

That was your cue to walk around the hospital, visit the cafeteria or sit in the hall, not leave the building 

The idea that you didn't run down there immediately especially because you were hurt & that you are still on the computer responding to this thread baffles me. 

Congratulations again 

I only responded on here way after the fact, like the following morning. Why is Everyone assuming the worst and making me out to be some kind of *** here? I did my best to accommodate her mother’s feelings while maintaining constant contact with her while I was at home. Again SHE was the one who told me not to worry and to go home and shower, and SHE was the one who said to go buy him some outfits before I came back! The rest you already know 

[bdwiii]

2 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

You can't undo the past.  From now on,  focus on being a great father.  Congratulations on the birth of your son! 

Remain peaceful with your girlfriend's mother.  Be well mannered and respectful no matter what.  You can't control other people.  However,  you can concentrate on being a great father so do that.  Be kind,  loving, very helpful and very decent.  It's all you can do. 

If your girlfriend's mother is not easy to get along with,  remain polite and calm.  You don't have to get chummy.  Be nice but don't over do it.

Keep the peace and divert your attention to your new son and the mother of your child.  Nothing else is important.  This is your new family so make the best of it. 

Thank you so much. Yours was one of the kindest and understanding of replies I’ve received. And you made some very valid points also which I couldn’t agree more with. Thanks again 

[Batya33]

My issue was with  you going shopping - I understand it was Carters stuff -love Carters for babies -but that is too far of a trip when a birth is imminent.  Also you could have kept calling the nurse/hospital -you're the father -why expect to be called while you're not there? I understand she told you to go home and take a shower -perhaps she wanted some time to chill with her mom -but that's a quick thing - being out and about shopping just wasn't a good choice and neither was expecting phone calls from people in the midst of labor/supporting the birth.  I don't think it was the worst thing -just a poor choice.

Enjoy your son!

[rainbowsandroses]

2 hours ago, bdwiii said:

No, it seems a lot of you are missing the facts here and in being persecuted for it which I find very unfair and mean actually.

^With due respect @bdwiii, the reason why many of us were "missing the facts" was because you did not share all the facts.

In your original post, you told us that once she began having contractions and went into labor YOU asked her if it would be okay if you left to go home, shower and change clothes and she replied that was fine which many of us thought a bit strange to say the least.    NOT her replying "fine," but rather YOU asking if you could leave while she was in labor.

You said nothing about HER actually initiating that conversation and telling you to leave.  Hence our responses.

You also posted that while she was in labor you went shopping to buy cute little outfits, again you said nothing about HER actually asking you to do that.

Anyway, I am not here to make you feel badly or guilt-trip you, speaking for myself I was simply responding to what you yourself had initially presented to us.

That said, thank you for providing all the facts and proper context, it DOES make a huge difference!  

This is why presenting ALL the information and context is so important in your or any OP's original post.

Again I wish you both and your son the best of luck and lots of happiness and I mean that sincerely. 💛