bdwiii

No, that's just it, it wasn't ordered by the judge, it was ordered by her P.O. And when I became upset by it and asked why, all I got was a "because I said so" answer. I honestly believe these people (the ones that take that job) are power mongers and sadists. They're playing God and with people's lives. I could see it if I had something to do with her being where she is now, or if there was a legitimate reason for us not to communicate, but there isn't one, not one. She's been trying to call me now for two whole days and I can't answer the phone now! As if that's not bad enough, I can't even write to her as per this witch of a woman that placed this order. Maybe I could see it if she were out in society yet, but she's not even on a probationary status anymore, she's incarcerated! In two days it'll be Christmas and I can't so much as send her a card wishing her Merry Christmas and hopes for a better new year. As if I weren't hurt enough already, this sure doesn't help. The thing with taking the calls, and them being able to prove that I willingly accepted them, is that when she calls, and I answer, there is a recorded intro message that states that the call is pre-paid and from her; if I want to accept it I press 1, if I wish to reject it, I have to press 2. So that being the case, if I were to accept it and of course they monitor the calls there, I would be had. The whole thing sucks and I hate this woman for doing this.

Hey Rabican, noticed you're online and I want to run this by you and please tell me what you think. As I stated earlier, she had called me last week (Friday), and then I hadn't heard from her since until today. Now, here's something that definitely needs mentioned; her P.O. spoke to me and told me that a "no contact" order has been placed regarding she and I. why, I have no idea, but I was told that if I have any contact with her whatsoever, of any kind, I could face incarceration myself! I think that's a bit much to threaten someone with for just talking on the phone or writing letters, but nevertheless, that's what I was told. Now today, she has been calling ALL day to talk to me, but each time I see where the call is coming from in the caller ID, I wouldn't answer it. I'm talking 10 calls in all which started since 9:30 this morning. Now this could be one of two things, one, she just really wants to talk to me and is unaware of the stipulation made, OR, two, she is aware of it, and is being put up to call in order to cause problems for me, or is doing it on her own accord. I think paranoia is getting the better of me and she really is calling only to talk to me. But then why did she wait till today (Wednesday) since last Friday to call again? I don't know. I'd really like to take the call and hear what she has to say and tell her a few things myself, or even write, but I guess I can't now and I certainly don't want to wind up in there too just because of it.

Yeah, and right now, I just came home and am sitting here alone in silence. I went out for most of the day just to try and avoid this, but I can't stay out the whole night, and so, here I am again, home alone, and everything here reminds me of her and of course, now I have time to think again. Then again, talking to this other guy didn't help much either; well, it did and it didn't if that makes any sense?

I know you're right. This feeling, unfortunately is like a long lost "friend" come back for a visit sort of speak. I've been through this before with an ex of mine that I had lived with for three years and thought I was going to marry. She wound up doing the exact same thing to me. Several years had passed before I was completely over that, and it did take a very LONG time to get to feeling normal and like myself again. It's such a long road back to feeling like you did before them, and really, I don't think you EVER truly come full circle to where and who you once were before they tore a huge hunk of you out. But I did get over it, and eventually moved on only to find this one who went and did it to me all over again. So here I am, trying to put the pieces back together again, trying to swallow the fact that it was all just a lie, and I nothing more than used. It takes what seems like forever to get the images and memories out of your mind too. I can still see her in my mind's eye as clear as if it were yesterday, and all the time we spent together. Yeah I know, in time that will all fade too, but right now it's just too fresh.

Hey, hi again, and thanks for the reply. Yeah, I guess that pretty much sums it all up huh? Even though I now know the truth, all of it, it's still tearing me up inside and I can't stop thinking about her. It hurts, it hurts really bad. I just wonder when I'll be able to get past it, forget and move on with my life knowing she'll never be a part of it again. I know it's all a time thing, and that in time I will be able to do that, but for right now I feel half sick and miserable.

To both you and Rabican, you both have very valid points and after being given the time to absorb all of it, and think it over, I have to agree with you both 100%. I just talked to the one guy that she was with almost every night this past month behind my back, and I wanted to know if after she had called me and sounded so sorry, wanted to explain, and was still professing her love to me, if she had called or written to him saying the same things. Well, he told me that her mother had called him this morning and was relaying a message to him from her. She said to tell him that she has him on her visiting list, and that she hopes he'll come to see her as she wants to apologize and explain things to him. Now isn't that sweet? Right after telling me the same things! I'm not on her visiting list, and really, after all this, I don't want to be either. If he wants to go and listen to her, and maybe even believe her, well, then let him. I won't anymore. Since last Friday, when she called, I haven't heard a word from her, and doubt that I will. So basically, when she called she was probably hoping I'd be dumb enough to put money on her books etc.. and was none the wiser. Once I told her that I knew everything, I guess that did it and now she's going to see if she can keep the other guy on the string. She's really AMAZING! Thanks everyone for all your insights and words of advice; you all were more helpfull than I can say. And yes, she is evil, the more I think about it, the more I see that it's nothing more than pure unadulterated evil.

Thank You, I'm glad you understood where I', coming from when I said what I said. That's just me and how I feel, and that I cannot change and would not want to. But I do have to agree with Hope75 as well. Yes, she did this with a clear concience, and knew what she was doing. So yeah, it would be very hard to ever trust her again or believe what she's saying to me. But when she cried and told me she loved me, I wanted to believe her so much. Yes, I still love her, and I guess a part of me always will, but no, I won't just trust her right away either. Since that morning she called, I haven't heard from her. So I really don't know what to think.

Thank you so much. You're really sweet, and you've been so kind and have helped me a lot. You've made me feel better, even when I didn't think it possible. Thank You. You know, it's Christmas time, and a lot of us get lost in the commercialization of it all, and sometimes lose sight of it's true meaning. What it's supposed to represent is a miracle bestowed upon man which was done to give salvation and a new lease on life. In short, it's a time of hope, love, and warmth to be shared and given to one another. Perhaps, her being where she is now, in a perverse sort of way, is her own miracle even though she can't see it now. God only knows what may have happened to her had she not wound up there now. And possibly, you are very right, this time spent there will give her the opportunity to think things through and do some real soul searching. Hopefully she'll have a new outlook and a sincere change of heart when she comes home again. You're also right when you say that my feelings are of love and forgivness. I still love her as much as I ever did. Even though the thoughts of her with these guys tears me apart inside, I still can't stop loving her.

I agree. Well, you know what? I have to admit, that despite all of it, I still love her, and yeah, even though most that are reading this are going to say I'm a straight up FOOL for even entertaining the idea, if we could work this out and it WOULD work between us, I'd be willing to give it another chance. I've never felt this strongly about anyone in a very long time, and I'm not one who can just turn it all off like a light switch. I don't know how anyone does that. Sure, it'd be different if she were to say, "Yeah OK, you found out, and sorry, but I never did love you and I wanna be with this guy" Well then yeah, I'd be gone and never to be heard from again. But that's not what she said. I miss her so much right now. I'm sitting here alone in this empty apartment and it's dark and cold outside. The only sounds are of passing cars outside and the TV on in the other room.

She's 21. Yeah, that may have a lot to do with it, but then again no, because I've known quite a few women at that age and they DIDN'T do this kinda of stuff at all. I really believe that if you love someone, then you WON'T hurt, lie, cheat, or do anything else to them like that. You just wouldn't and couldn't simply for the fact that you DO love them that much. But when you really don't love someone, and are just playing them or using them, then yeah, I can see that kind of devious behavior taking place.

Oh yeah, I'll listen to what she has to say, if she ever says it. But really, I'm to the point that even if I never hear from her again, it won't matter anymore if that makes any sense to you? Besides, how do I know that as soon as she got off the phone with me, she wasn't calling this other dude and telling him the same things? I mean she obviously wanted him enough to do him almost every night, why stop there? Yeah, I'm just a tad bitter and pissed off at this point, sorry. You know, I loved that girl madly, and yeah, this has all torn me to pieces, and most of me says just get on with your life, move on, and forget her. You got played, and who's to say it wouldn't ever happen again? But then there's another part of me that doesn't want to give up on her and dumb as it may sound, give it one more chance... I know, I'm insane huh?

OK, maybe so, but then why, when she KNEW that I loved her, adored her, and would have and did most anything for her, would she be sleeping with these guys and BOLD FACE lying to me about it the whole time!? And more so, why even bother with telling me she loves me or even trying to justify or explain it to me? I mean I talked to the one guy for just under an hour! And he actually liked me, said we should go have a beer together sometime, but the point being, he told me that she was over there sleeping with him most every other night when she wasn't here with me. She also was telling him she loved him, wanted a future with him, the whole deal, EVERYTHING she was telling me at the same time! I swear it, I'm never going to understand the way some people's minds work.

You're right, and that's how this is going to go too. Well, she really has no choice in the matter anyway; she's going to be there now for at least 3-6 months so she's going to have nothing to do but think about things, and what she's lost.

You've hit the nail on the head there on a lot of points; yes, she had a bad childhood, and an absent father, etc.. and maybe you're right about her realizing that I was the best thing she ever had or will have, but despite all of that, am I supposed to move past all that and put my neck out again? I'd love to hear her explanations on this, maybe I will, maybe I won't, I just don't know. I wanna go along with what BigSkye is saying and just be done with it and heal, but it's SOOO hard to do when you really loved someone.

Yeah, most definitely. But this one tops the cake...today, she calls me from jail and when I told her that I knew about all these guys she was with, she just fell silent and then started cying and begged me to allow her to explain. She kept saying she loves me and that she was all messed up at the time and confused.. yeah, like I'm supposed to believe any of that now! This one just keeps on comin'! What I fail to see is the purpose or motive behind it all now? I mean she knows I now know all, and yet she keeps on telling me she loves me??? PLEASE! Can you or anyone shed a little light on the psychology behind this one? Cause I'm baffled.

No, you're right in saying it, in fact, that's what the other guy that filled me in on the details of her with him said to me too. He's going to get checked as well. I just found out why she's out there with so many other guys now and what she wanted out of me, money. She was picked up for drugs and is now in jail for at least six months. Nice huh? That's explains a hell of a lot. She was out selling her * * * for this stuff and using me for money. You know, I must be a magnet for this crap, because she is not the first and only girl that I have been with that I've found this kind of thing out about. I don't know if it's me, or if the caliber of people in general has gone to hell?

Yeah, I know you're right, it's just going to take a while till I'm able to try again and not have this still in my head. I just don't know how someone can lie so convincingly and make you believe it all. Why not just end it and go and be with whoever instead of using and deceiving someone you're really not in love with at all? I guess I'll never understand it.

No, no need for that now. It's most definitely OVER and I never want to see or hear from her again. Each time that phone rings, I learn more and more about what was going on behind my back almost all the time. I do feel half sick and yeah, I'll need a little time to forget it all and get back to normal living again, but I doubt I'll ever trust anyone fully again if ever.

A little while back, I posted on here asking if her going to a movie with a guy "friend" was wrong. Well, I found out that it was just one of many things that were WRONG. I found out she had been sleeping with not just the "movie" guy, but a whole slew of others as well. How did I learn all this? The cell phone I had gotten her she claimed to have lost, so I had the number moved to another phone, and it rang constantly! I answered these calls, and they were all guys asking who I was, where she was, and when I told them, some would hang up, but a few others told me that they were with her and knew nothing about me! The one in particular who spoke to me in length, was according to her, her "cousin". Well, he said, no, that's not true at all, and most nights that I wasn't with her, she was over there sleeping with him. It made both of us sick to find out that we were both with her like this practically at the same time! So basically she's nothing but a lying * * * * *. I can't even count the number of guys that have since called looking for her. Well, it's definitely over and she's out of my life for good! I just don't know how anyone who is even remotely HUMAN can look you straight in the eyes and lie all the sweet lies, tell you everything you want to hear, and mean NONE of it! Sadly, this isn't the first time this has happened to me, but I'm hoping to God it will be the last. Hell of a way to bring in the holiday season

So you're saying I should call her and ask her why she never called me back last night? That seems kinda desperate to me though, like every time she doesn't call me right back, I get upset and wanna know why. I don't know, it is bothering me though and I wanna call her, but there's a side of me that's telling me not to and just see how long it takes for her to call me. Maybe should just wrap the whole thing up and get out while I can still save face sort of speak. There's an old adage which goes; "If it's so good, then why am I feeling so bad?" Well, that definitely fits this situation.

To Puppeteer: I totally agree with you, and I know you're right. I'm taking your advice and not calling, texting, or anything now and want to see how long it takes for her to call. It's like last night; I called her around 10:30 and she said she was on the phone, that she'd call me back when she got off. Well, I never got a phone call and went to bed. Now today is Monday and it's twenty till 2:00 p.m. and I haven't heard anything from her at all. Nice huh? I wanna call, but I won't.

Yeah, none of this really jives right if you know what I mean? Like if she said she was goin to a movie, then why didn't they go instead of him just coming over to her place and "hangin out"? Is he going to see her again, and if so, when and where? The other thing is that I've spent a lot on her lately, and she doesn't seem to really take notice to it. I hardly get to see her, and when I do, it's always short time. Maybe it's time to make some changes... but it's hard to do because I have real feelings for this girl.

Yeah, I kinda believe what you're saying, and do feel that's what's going on. She called me this morning, around 11:30, we talked a little, and then she said she had to get a shower and get ready, and that she'd call me a little later. Well, the whole afternoon went by, and then this evening at 5:30 or so, she called. We talked breifly and I asked her how the movie was, and what she had seen. She said, they didn't go to the movie afterall, that he had a lot to do today so he just came over and hung out at her place with her. I asked how long he was there, and she said only about an hour. After that I didn't ask her anything more about it. She was sweet and told me she loved me and that she'd call me later tonight. She also just sent me a picture of herself that she took with her cell phone. I don't know what to think anymore?

Another reason why this is starting to feel even worse is she told me she'd call me when she woke up this morning, well, it's now 1:30 in the afternoon; I've tried calling her and I get sent to voice mail, I sent her a tm to see what's up, and get no reply. We are supposed to be getting together this afternoon.. doesn't seem like that's going to happen, or she's out doing something else right now?

OK, that's a good question, and to be honest, no, I don't. She said differently when I asked her that same question. I asked her that, I said, I don't really think I would have ever seen you again had this not happened (him dying), and she said, "No, I was thinking about you all the time; he and I fought all the time and things weren't good. We would have wound up breaking up anyway." But the way I feel about it is simply, if you loved me so much, you wouldn't have left me to go back to him in the first place.