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Should we get married, or break up?


LostPhilosopher
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I've been dating this wonderful girl for over ~3.5 years now. We met as causal friends with benefits and neither of us thought the relationship would last, or get as serious as it did. Actually when we first met, I was going through a very dark period of life and just wanted any GF. I thought she probably didn't meet my criteria for a wife but I didn't care cause we both agreed it was just a casual relationship and I wasn't looking for a life partner.

But over the years, we got comfortable and grew into each other. Especially during the quarantine, we got so close and spent so much time together. And now I'm not sure. We've reached a critical point of our relationship where we will stay together and get married, or break up forever.

I have so much love in my heart for her and I want to make it work, my mom advises me against marriage to her and I'm starting to have some doubts.

Mainly, she comes from a poor and broken family. She is obese and may have pre-diabetes or health problems.

For me I think these can be overcome with patient and love. But my mom warns me these may grow into serious problems, especially in a life long marriage, and cause me regret and resentment in the long term that I didn't choose carefully from the start. I don't know what I will feel years from now, but I can't deny I wasn't thinking of marriage or the qualities I would like in a life long partner when we started dating. I don't think I would have chosen someone from a broken family or health problems if I were to start over, but at this point I love and care for her so much and she's such a sweet, kind, loving soul, I think I can work with it.

For me, the greatest doubt I still have is our mediocre chemistry. I didn't fall in love with her like I did my previous girlfriend. It took us probably almost 3 years to build to our place now, but we've really grew into each other. But sometimes I wonder what it would be like to be with a girl who I did have amazing chemistry with.

But that's all water under the bridge. I deeply love and care for her, but I also want to treat marriage as a very serious choice and commitment, not something to dive into casually because the momentum happens to take us that direction. I know ultimately this is a subjective choice, but although health and family background are important to me, and chemistry would be nice, I feel we could make it work with great effort from both of our parts. But I also wonder if love can truly conquer all … especially 5, 10 or more years down the road, when we have kids and mortgages etc...

Will I always wonder what it's like to go back and deliberately choose a life partner with the qualities I thought I wanted (at least on paper)? Are these doubts normal? Can love conquer all? I know much of this is subjective, but I'm really torn and I guess kinda anxious at making the wrong choice.

Just wondering … what do you think? How would you react in this situation?

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47 minutes ago, LostPhilosopher said:

Mainly, she comes from a poor and broken family. She is obese . my mom warns me these may grow into serious problems, especially in a life long marriage

Do you live together? Stop stringing her along. Free yourselves from this.

She needs someone whose mother is not calling the shots and someone who respects her, rather than uses her as a security blanket.

Edited by Wiseman2
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Same girl from previous thread?

There are way too many issues there then you described here. Her obesity is something that can be worked. Her family background cant be worked but she can always rise above it. However she is unwilling to do both. Some people are willing to do changes in their lives, some people are not. Or just lazy. Also, I would find more alarming the fact that she doesnt have any job. Does she has any plans for the future at all? What would she do if you arent there for her? Does she plans on you supporting her while she sits at home? Those are all legitimate concerns when you want to marry somebody.

Also its OK to have doubts sometimes. But if you want to marry somebody you better make sure that its the right person. To me it seems like you just got used to her and now just sail along.

Also, also, why the heck did you get together again if you arent sure about her? Make the decision and stick to it, dont do "I wanna pee, oh now I dont want to pee" routine with somebody who you claim you love.

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My thoughts swung the other way after reading your previous post about this relationship.

I feel for you.  Having been married and since divorced I will share with you something I read.  I wish I had read this pre marriage.   Ask yourself if this is someone you would go into business with?  Because when all the warm fuzzy feelings fade and you settle into the business of running a family and a home you need to trust that you have a partner who can count on and can pull their weight.  Life is super challenging at times.   Is this someone you can lean on in everyway when the going gets tough?

Sometimes it comes down to separating the emotional and  logical reasoning.  Of course you should love your partner, but you should be able to step back and look at this from a practical point -which it seems like you are doing.

With everything you have shared you are at great risk of it not working out.  Don't go into something if you area able to create such a long list of legitimate concerns, especially if you bring children into the mix.

I also think having recently broken up and reconciled, you gave in to the grief and ran back.  It's never easy to leave someone we have feelings for, especially having pulled her back in just recently.    Good luck with your decision.

 

 

Edited by reinventmyself
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I declined marriage 3 times and I'm glad I did because I had core-shaking doubts.  I learned a lot about my musts for marriage -and you have to know your musts.  My musts were - being in love, chemistry and passion and compatible values (to me friendship is intertwined with all of that).  Some jitters and doubts are normal -I mean it's a lifelong commitment! To me personally the level of doubt that worked fine for me were either doubts that could be resolved because it related to your partner -meaning let's say something he said or did or didn't say that bothered you -with a talk resolving the issue - or doubts that were not core shaking -that didn't make you doubt the whole relationship, whether to marry, whether to stay engaged.

Like - an off day or an off moment or a passing fear - something that didn't shake you up but was like "ok, I'm generally stressed today, worrying about everything including my relationship, it shall pass."   And it would- fleeting.  That's normal.  We all have our moments and days.  We all notice other people, we all at times reminisce about an ex - that first thrill of excitement -we all need to revive the spark or remind ourselves we can. I say "we all" knowing full well there are exceptions - people who never had any doubts and are always wildly in love, people with core shaking doubts who stay married and say they are happy with their choice. 

Because if the spark was there, and endured beyond the "honeymoon period" it's almost always still there -it can be revived absent some earth shattering event like a partner cheating or some other huge betrayal that just kills that spark (never really happened to me like that just imagining).

I had to feel -had to - reasonably sure and excited too to be marrying this person.  I'd experience the panic, the core shaking doubts and indeed experienced them the first time I was engaged to my husband.  But not the second time which was 11 years and 4 months after the first time.  Two different relationships with the same person.  Married over 10 years and no core shaking doubts, and - not perfect - and - some rough times given how we did things (marriage, parenthood a few months later, relocating hundreds of miles from where I'd lived for 43 years a few months after that, first time unemployed in many years).  But I know for sure we're each other's person.  I knew that basically the day we got back together. 

I knew that on our wedding day.  I'd never felt so magical and natural simultaneously at my small wedding in my inlaw's modest house.  I laughed with my sister right before the ceremony, following the tradition of not seeing my groom for about 24 hours till the ceremony.  I probably was nervous but good nervous.  He annoys me at times, I need my pandemic space more than ever but -no core shaking doubts. 

We love each other, we married because it was a beginning not "ending in marriage" - we married not from a sense of obligation or what we "should" do or because I was preggers -we wanted to try ASAP given how old I was - not because of what our friends and family told us to do -no one needed to convince me, I didn't need to convince myself when it was the right person at the right time.  When I was the right person to find the right person. 

I had no "dream of someone else" - as you seem to.  And that's with being very in my head, overthinking everything - and knowing technically -of course there could be someone even better, of course there could be someone even better looking, with even more fire and chemistry.  Who cares. I don't.  I found my person, made my choice, feel that security in that choice - you could show me Paul Rudd right now who I agree is quite sexy -always thought so, now others agree- and he could promise me the world and I would choose my world without hesitation.  And still admire his looks lol.  Both can coexist.  

Do not settle. Please.  I almost did at least four times.  It was so hard to walk away and I'm so upset with myself that I dragged things on in certain cases as long as I did.  Pathetic.  I ended up beginning again, risking never being a biological parent in order not to settle.  It's worth it.  

Edited by Batya33
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Yeah, I say don't.

If you are NOT completely certain by now, you never will be.

Having broken up at least once already and now questioning it all.. not a good sign.

Is understandable to have 'feelings'. you care.  But, is it maybe just you in a sense, do love her, but not 'in love'.

As for the issue's being her health condition & weight, well that's besides the point. I know many peeps with health conditions, they still married, same goes for weight issue's.

But, there's much more underlying isn't there?  And as for parents voicing their piece, fine. But is not them considering this marriage.

I always feel, if in doubt, bow out.  Don't do something you can see regretting.  If you are not totally in this ( by looking at your post title, then don't even go there).

 

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To answer the question "should we get married or break up" - all I can say is a huge NO to marriage. Absolutely NO.  The writing is already on the wall and has been for quite some time.  Getting married will only end in divorce and you don't want to go down that road either (cost you a lot of money).

Do both of you a great favor and break up, you're incompatible. According to your previous thread you have already broken up, in which case, stick to it.

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She's obese and pre-diabetic.  You'll end up as her caretaker. 

If there is one unhealthy person in the household, this person drags the entire household down.  If there's one unhealthy person in the household, everyone in the household becomes very unhappy; often times permanently unhappy and miserable. 

I don't recommend marriage.  You will sorely regret this mistake!

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I can say that a few people I knew who were at this type of crossroads and chose to marry, things didn't end well. Never stay in hopes of a person improving and hopes that love will conquer all. If you're not totally happy with how things are in the present, it's naive and too high of a risk to your heart to base decisions on what MIGHT happen in the future.

If she happened to read what you've written here, unless her self-love is zero, do you really think she'd want to continue on with you?

I know I'd want a man like you to free me to find someone who has great chemistry with me. Do you really think settling is doing you or her a favor? You have a lot to learn about life, so I suggest being alone to get some time and distance away from a wrong match to clear your head and be able to recognize a better match.

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This has been a relationship of convenience not one of love.  Now due to proximity you love her but I don't see that you are In Love with her.

  If you didn't love or were In Love with her after 2 years it is pretty clear that a life long relationship is not in the cards for you with her.

 I am sorry but getting married needs to be done for the right reasons and you are lacking a lot of them.

 

Lost

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Don't get married.  When you do marry, you want to be very confident that it is the right thing for you. 

Nervousness about the weight of the commitment is one thing, doubts about the person being the person...  don't do it.  same yourself a lot of time, money and heartache.

 

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The main advice I'd like to give you is that I think you need to stop listening to your mother. I remember that you've written about this situation before and you said your mother doesn't like your girlfriend, etc.

The fact that you keep mentioning what your mother thinks and how much it's swaying your decision kind of tells me two things: 1. You aren't actually that into your girlfriend yourself and you're looking for reasons to end it, such as your mother's opinion. 2. You are a bit of a "mummy's boy" and you can't think for yourself.

I think first and foremost you need to leave out what your mother thinks of your girlfriend and your relationship. As you said yourself, your girlfriend is a wonderful and great person. The reasons why your mother (or you) don't like her are actually judgemental and shallow. Yes she may be from a bad or lower class background but that's her family. If she herself a good person and she's not like them then I don't really think it's fair to judge her just by her family.

I understand your concerns about her being obese. However you said "she may be diabetic or have health issues". So is she diabetic now or has health issues now? I actually find that people judge overweight people just because of their looks and assume that they are really unhealthy and sick. Yet people see a slim person smoking, drinking, eating McDonald and they don't think twice about it. I've never really seen people make many comments on the health of thinner people, even if they are seen doing things like smoking or eating junk food. I think not all overweight people are actually unhealthy or unwell. In the case of your girlfriend I don't know of course because I don't know what her lifestyle is like.

I think first and foremost you need to think about how YOU feel about your girlfriend. Your mother isn't in a relationship with her, you are. And quite frankly your mother sounds very shallow. My ex fiance was overweight and had mental illness but my parents knew I really loved him, so they never said anything. I don't understand why your mother can't just be happy for you that you've found someone you like.

If on the other hand it's you who thinks these things and you need reasons to break up, then yes you are better off to break up.

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