Mother-in-law problem

[Loralora]

Hi everyone just wanted to ask your opinion on my mother-in- laws actions.

(Excuse my spelling mistakes if there are any, english is not my native language).

 

My husband and I are trying to work on our marriage so this weekend (on saturday) we decided to go to a national park with mountains and spent the day there and we decided to invite his mother to come along. The reason we invited her is to thank her because she looks after our son when we go to work. We haven't taken him to day care yet. 

So on saturday morning I got up at 8:30a.m. I asked my husband what time are we going he said around 10 or 11. So I got up then and started getting ready. When my mother in law textes my husband telling him I'm coming over and bringing something to eat before we leave(she lives very close near by). I told him just tell her when we're ready we will come pick you up. He told me he can't tell her that because it is unpolite telling someone not to come and she will get angry. He responded to her telling her "ok but don't hury because we just got up."

I got angry because this was direct pressure on me to get ready quicker. I had to change my one year olds diaper, feed him, change his clothes, make his milk to take with, get ready for my self and instead of doing all that I had to clean the apartment a little because I didn't want my mother in law to see a hectic apartment. Not even 30 minutes passed and she came. So the indirect pressure started she tried to help me get my son ready but really all she did was pressure me to do everything quicker. The whole time she was like did you eat? are you ready? Are we going? I was like yeah in e second I just have to do this, I even made them coffee so they'll sit down for a bit untill I get everything done.

This isn't the first time she pressures us. Everytime we go anywhere she wants to go quick she doesn't take much into consideration that I have a baby and I can't always leave on time. She expects us to leave right that minute we said we will, she needs to understand that.

So the whole time there me and my husband were angry. He was angry that I said those things about his mother and I was angry why he won't understand that she is pressuring us (especially me) too much.

 

So basically another fight and problem. Afterwards we again fought about another thing. He won't admit that his mother pressures us. He says that I am too slow and "incapable of getting ready on time". He thinks his mother is fast and a hard worker and that I am lazy and slow.

 

My question is, is her behavior normal or is she pressuring us too much? Am I wrong or is she.

 

Thank you ahead for your response. I would love if everyone answered the question and not focused on other things. Thanks

 

 

[Jibralta]

6 minutes ago, Loralora said:

He says that I am too slow and "incapable of getting ready on time". He thinks his mother is fast and a hard worker and that I am lazy and slow.

 

My question is, is her behavior normal or is she pressuring us too much? Am I wrong or is she.

What about your husband? He's even worse than she is with the pressure. 

[Seraphim]

If you are working on your marriage you don’t bring your mother-in-law. You take her for dinner some other time. 

[Loralora]

Just now, Seraphim said:

If you are working on your marriage you don’t bring your mother-in-law. You take her for dinner some other time. 

That was the mistake

[Loralora]

What about your husband? He's even worse than she is with the pressure. 

 

Yes he is. But I want to know was she wrong. Because he takes it to heart that I said those things. It is a big deal for him because he is mommys boy.

[Loralora]

4 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

What about your husband? He's even worse than she is with the pressure. 

Yes he is. But I want to know was she wrong. Because he takes it to heart that I said those things. It is a big deal for him because he is mommys boy.

[Seraphim]

Just now, Loralora said:

Yes he is. But I want to know was she wrong. Because he takes it to heart that I said those things. It is a big deal for him because he is mommys boy.

If you are out to prove you are right and he is wrong your marriage won’t work. Period. People get defensive when you want to prove them wrong even IF they are. Marriage is not about who is right and wrong . 
 

If he is a mommy’s boy you are NOT going to change that “ proving him wrong” that is how you push harder towards his mother. 
 

He HAS to want to change himself . 

[MsAin1st]

Husband needs to take a turn getting baby ready to go out for an outing as well as getting himself ready. He will see that it isn’t an easy or quick task. 

[melancholy123]

11 minutes ago, MsAin1st said:

Husband needs to take a turn getting baby ready to go out for an outing as well as getting himself ready. He will see that it isn’t an easy or quick task. 

Totally agree.  If he is in a big. hurry to go somewhere and MIL is coming over, then he needs to help get the baby ready or tidy the house or whatever needs doing.  It should not all fall on you.

If you are a right fighter then you will never be happy.  This battle isn't about who's right, it's figuring out how to share chores and accomplish getting ready to go out.  Also, dont take MIL with you, taking her to dinner is a much better idea.

[catfeeder]

There's a difference between using conflicts to negotiate better outcomes versus turning a spouse (or his family) into adversaries.

I would have asked husband, "If you want to allow your Mom to set the timeline, are you willing to get the baby ready while I catch up?"

Cleaning up the house to impress MIL when your hostile attitude toward her and husband overrides any other impression isn't helpful.

I would have left the place a bombshell to demo the help that I need. Then whoever tried to rush me would have been assigned a job to help out.

[HeartGoesOn]

After reading your previous threads, your MIL may be part of the problem yet the bigger problem is with your husband.

It's his place to stand up for you when you're right, rather than siding with his mother. I'm sure this is not what you wanted to hear, but it appears you're letting him off easy, while shifting the blame on her.

JMO...

[Loralora]

The problem is we can't leave my MIL with our kid and go out just the two of us because we work alot and we have to take him to MIL very often so on our free time we have to take the kid with.

I really don't have many places to take him. My mom is recovering from cancer. My dad is a cardiac patient. Babysitting isn't popular here at all like it is in the US.

[Loralora]

34 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

There's a difference between using conflicts to negotiate better outcomes versus turning a spouse (or his family) into adversaries.

I would have asked husband, "If you want to allow your Mom to set the timeline, are you willing to get the baby ready while I catch up?"

Cleaning up the house to impress MIL when your hostile attitude toward her and husband overrides any other impression isn't helpful.

I would have left the place a bombshell to demo the help that I need. Then whoever tried to rush me would have been assigned a job to help out.

The reaction from her anď my husband would have been (even if they don't say it, they will think it) that the apartment is a mess because I am lazy (nevermind that I am a successful doctor and phd student) not because I need help. That is the problem with this mentality. And there is where the pressure rises. And any extra help they would give me is because I am lazy and incapable not because I have too many obligations.

Even getting a made would make me lazy.

Another problem we have here with men is their mothers do everything for them (especially for my husband) I have to do everything around the house because his mom did everything for him. He had been taught like that.

She should just have stayed at her house and wait for us to get ready and go pick her up when we would. It's not like she has a tight schegule or anything else she had to do. She doesn't work. And this was something nice we wanted to do for her not her for us. So it was up to us to do the schedule not her. 

 

[Kwothe28]

12 minutes ago, Loralora said:

Another problem we have here with men is their mothers do everything for them (especialy for my husband) I have to do everything around the house because his mom did everything for him. He had been taught like that.

 

So what? I live in more conservative environment where mothers do that and that doesnt mean he shouldnt help you, especially with the little baby there. As my Grandma used to said "There is a habit but there is also withdrawal from that habit". That means that what he was with his mother shouldnt fly with you. And that just because his mommy did everything for him doesnt mean you should too and that he should take the part of the obligations around the house or baby. Sadly, I think its too late because you already got him used to do that stuff for him. You should have "trained him" better before so you shouldnt have that issue now.

Anyway, you got a load of other issues on previous threads like you reading his messages and invading his privacy and suspecting of cheating. With him being a doctor, frankly, you are maybe right because those nighshifts are trully obscenity as far as cheating goes at least around here. But I think all that(including him not being helpful) should be adressed on marriage counseling. And to see if you can work things through.

[Wiseman2]

Delegate. Give everyone tasks and assignments. Let your husband do more. If the mother in law is there give her assignments. 

For example, let your husband clean, make coffee, etc.. Let the mother in law get the kids ready, etc..

 Then focus only on yourself so you can get ready in peace.

 You are trying way to hard to be supermom and overcontrol everything.

Ask for help and tell people what they can do rather than sit on their thumbs telling you to hurry up.

[melancholy123]

22 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Delegate. Give everyone tasks and assignments. Let your husband do more. If the mother in law is there give her assignments. 

For example, let your husband clean, make coffee, etc.. Let the mother in law get the kids ready, etc..

 Then focus only on yourself so you can get ready in peace.

 You are trying way to hard to be supermom and overcontrol everything.

Ask for help and tell people what they can do rather than sit on their thumbs telling you to hurry up.

This ^^^^

[DarkCh0c0]

2 hours ago, Loralora said:

The reaction from her anď my husband would have been (even if they don't say it, they will think it) that the apartment is a mess because I am lazy (nevermind that I am a successful doctor and phd student) not because I need help. That is the problem with this mentality. And there is where the pressure rises. And any extra help they would give me is because I am lazy and incapable not because I have too many obligations.

Even getting a made would make me lazy.

I'd personally show them the door if he and his mom think I'm lazy. Does he usually help out in the house? Cause it seems you're running a one man show.

I agree with @Wiseman2Delegate.

And, if you're working on your marriage, you need to have private time, intimacy, and not have MIL involved.

So >> Establish Boundaries. Boundaries. Boundaries. Learn to say NO. NO. NO.

[Cherylyn]

I would NOT agree to outings with your MIL until there are habitual, permanent changes regarding your husband and MIL's cooperation to get out the door.  Remain adamant.  Don't do anything.  Don't get the baby ready, don't get yourself ready, don't clean your home.  Treat it as a regular day of staying home on a staying home schedule, not going anywhere schedule.  Repeat this same stance for however long it takes to get your message across.  No help?  No deal.  No outings.  Period. 

You are right.  Your husband and MIL are wrong.  They don't get what they want such as an outing unless you get what you want which is help and collaborative effort.  Go on strike.  Perhaps that will get their attention one of these days!  🤔

[catfeeder]

7 hours ago, Loralora said:

The reaction from her anď my husband would have been (even if they don't say it, they will think it) that the apartment is a mess because I am lazy (nevermind that I am a successful doctor and phd student) not because I need help. That is the problem with this mentality. And there is where the pressure rises. And any extra help they would give me is because I am lazy and incapable not because I have too many obligations.

Even getting a made would make me lazy.

Another problem we have here with men is their mothers do everything for them (especially for my husband) I have to do everything around the house because his mom did everything for him. He had been taught like that.

She should just have stayed at her house and wait for us to get ready and go pick her up when we would. It's not like she has a tight schegule or anything else she had to do. She doesn't work. And this was something nice we wanted to do for her not her for us. So it was up to us to do the schedule not her. 

 

And you go along with this?

 

[itsallgrand]

Just to your question, I think you shouldn't use the baby as an excuse to not be ready when you agree you will AND she plus your husband need to not be pushing the time of meeting up earlier. 

 

[Tinydance]

Well I don't have kids but my best friend has two small kids and I know from her that it's really hard. So I totally sympathise with you in that regard of course. But I also think that even if your mother-in-law doesn't work, that still doesn't necessarily mean that she has to wait for a long time for you and your husband to pick her up from her place and go somewhere. E.g. If you said to her you'd pick her up at 11:00 a.m. let's say but you only arrive at 11:30 a.m. or 11:45 a.m. because you were getting the baby ready. Maybe she wants to actually leave at the time or at least as close as possible to the time you said you would. 

People usually like for other people not to be late and to stick to a promised schedule. That expectation is of most people, whether they have kids or don't. Maybe your MIL comes over and rushes you because she thinks that you should be leaving the time you said to her you'd leave. Don't forget also it was you who invited her to come on the trip with you so it's not like she just randomly turned up.

I agree with the other posters that your husband should be helping you with chores, etc. and to get the baby ready. Especially if his own mother is coming over and it's the two of them that want you to hurry. Why is your husband doing nothing to help but just sitting there telling you to hurry up? 

[Jibralta]

I'm still confused about your focus on your mother in law. Your husband was standing there watching you scramble to change your baby's diaper, feed him, change his clothes, make his milk, and clean the apartment. Your husband did nothing to help, and then he called you lazy, slow, and incapable. 

And how did you end up inviting your mother in law to a hike to heal your marriage? Was that your idea or your husband's?

I think it was impolite for her to crack the whip on you while you were rushing around, but was she "wrong?" Why do you ask? So that you can persuade your husband to take your side over hers? So that he stops comparing you to her? 

Honestly I don't think it matters if she was right or wrong. It's your husband that you have to worry about. Why isn't he sticking up for his wife?

[Wise Wally]

Assuming you guys are young and haven't been married for a long time, than this is just a growing pain of marriage.  Was his mother the main woman in his life prior to marrying you?  IF so, he's likely still transitioning from son to husband and the quicker he can make that jump, the better it will be for you guys.  It's also another reason why you shouldn't rely on family for permanent child care because it prolongs that transition.  On the flip side, mothers generally don't like losing control of their kids but she also needs to find a way to let him go be a husband.  

[Batya33]

19 hours ago, Loralora said:

got angry because this was direct pressure on me to get ready quicker. I had to change my one year olds diaper, feed him, change his clothes, make his milk to take with, get ready for my self and instead of doing all that I had to clean the apartment a little because I didn't want my mother in law to see a hectic apartment. Not even 30 minutes passed and she came. So the indirect pressure started she tried to help me get my son ready but really all she did was pressure me to do everything quicker. The whole time she was like did you eat? are you ready? Are we going? I was like yeah in e second I just have to do this, I even made them coffee so they'll sit down for a bit untill I get everything done.

Oh oh I am so so sorry.  I feel you as my 12 year old son would say.  My husband used to put his parents first at times when our son was a baby in a different way but I was so frustrated and stressed.  (They passed away).  I know what it's like to feel pressured with a baby to get ready!!  So one thing -please please forget about cleaning the apartment for your MIL.  It's not your job, it's not important -please don't take on more burdens.  I'm really sorry about this and your husband should have your back!!

[tattoobunnie]

23 hours ago, Loralora said:

He says that I am too slow and "incapable of getting ready on time". He thinks his mother is fast and a hard worker and that I am lazy and slow.

Tell him to either marry his mother, or never ever speak to you like that again. It's either he's got your back 100% or he doesn't.  And if he doesn't, this will never work.  

If your partner wants to invite guests over, they can clean the house and make the coffee.  If anyone ever judges you for not having a clean house or coffee made, ask them what address you can use to send the bill to. You are the boss of the house, and I don't care who's bringing home the bacon.  You never ever invite yourself to someone's home, and judge it.