Mother-in-law problem

[DancingFool]

22 hours ago, Loralora said:

The reaction from her anď my husband would have been (even if they don't say it, they will think it) that the apartment is a mess because I am lazy (nevermind that I am a successful doctor and phd student) not because I need help. That is the problem with this mentality. And there is where the pressure rises. And any extra help they would give me is because I am lazy and incapable not because I have too many obligations.

Even getting a made would make me lazy.

Another problem we have here with men is their mothers do everything for them (especially for my husband) I have to do everything around the house because his mom did everything for him. He had been taught like that.

She should just have stayed at her house and wait for us to get ready and go pick her up when we would. It's not like she has a tight schegule or anything else she had to do. She doesn't work. And this was something nice we wanted to do for her not her for us. So it was up to us to do the schedule not her. 

 

So what? The thing is that you can't control what they do or what they think, you only control yourself and how you react/respond.

In this case, they are using your fear of how you will be perceived against you like a whip to make you jump and comply with whatever they want. So, stop jumping and stop reacting by doing what they want. Learn to step back and put it back on them.

Them : "You are soo lazy, look how chaotic this place is. Why can't you do better. You are soo incompetent."

Your response: "Uhuh.....sorry you feel that way." Walk away and don't lift a finger.

Stop trying to prove them wrong because that's a losing game for you and will always be a losing game. Learn to stop feeding into that kind of bs. Know your worth because that comes from you and not them. You know you are a hard working doctor and mom, then that's who you are. 

On that note, to answer to your question, in this case nobody is right or wrong. MIL wants to come over early, that's on her. Your place is a mess because you have a baby and it's too early for guests, she'll just have to deal with it. If she asks are you ready yet because she is impatient, then give her something to do that will move things along toward the common goal of leaving sooner. She babysits all the time, then she is good with changing the diapers, getting milk ready, etc. Let her do it while you go shower and get ready. Learn how to use her energy to your advantage instead of trying to do everything yourself because you are too insecure and need to prove yourself. You don't need to prove anything to anyone, least of all her. Stop competing for approval.

 

[itsallgrand]

I'd put my child in daycare. Never put yourself in a position of being indebted or relying upon someone you feel does not have respect for you. Don't ask for more, ask for less. Then you can put strong boundaries there. 

 

 

[Rose Mosse]

You started off irritable with your husband in the morning because he disagreed with you so I think that influenced the way you perceived her questions as hurrying, rather than helpful. I didn't read anything especially annoying about what she was asking. As others have mentioned, tell her what to do. Be respectful as she's your MIL but make use of her help and abundance of energy.

I also have to ask why she was asked to come along if your husband and you needed time alone together for this trip. It was a generous offer but you both are spreading yourselves too thin. Next time rethink this if you prefer to go as a family only - mum, dad, child. 

Let this go with your MIL. She's not the one who deserves your angst. Any issues or resentments deal with them in the marriage. 

[DarkCh0c0]

2 hours ago, tattoobunnie said:

 

Duplicate

[DarkCh0c0]

2 hours ago, tattoobunnie said:

Tell him to either marry his mother, or never ever speak to you like that again. It's either he's got your back 100% or he doesn't.  And if he doesn't, this will never work.  

If your partner wants to invite guests over, they can clean the house and make the coffee.  If anyone ever judges you for not having a clean house or coffee made, ask them what address you can use to send the bill to. You are the boss of the house, and I don't care who's bringing home the bacon.  You never ever invite yourself to someone's home, and judge it

Preach. That's about it.

OP, you need to delegate and put your foot down.

And if your husband won't stand by you, you're better off alone.

[DarkCh0c0]

2 hours ago, tattoobunnie said:

 

Another duplicate.

[Batya33]

18 hours ago, itsallgrand said:

I'd put my child in daycare. Never put yourself in a position of being indebted or relying upon someone you feel does not have respect for you. Don't ask for more, ask for less. Then you can put strong boundaries there. 

 

 

Instead I'd hire a housekeeper and/or cleaning service and or send out laundry and spend more time with your child -your main focus should be your child not what the house looks like. Certainly if you prefer daycare then do it!

[Batya33]

17 hours ago, Rose Mosse said:

ou started off irritable with your husband in the morning because he disagreed with you so I think that influenced the way you perceived her questions as hurrying, rather than helpful. I didn't read anything especially annoying about what she was asking. As others have mentioned, tell her what to do. Be respectful as she's your MIL but make use of her help and abundance of energy.

I think especially these pandemic-days the lack of personal space can be overwhelming and much much harder.  But it's always hard.  So if she was trying to get the baby ready and MIL is hovering and commenting and she's likely also sleep deprived I get that that can seem way way too much.  I do think she has to "let it go" as far as preparing a house for "guests".  

When my son was 2 weeks old and my husband was away - 12 years ago - I had the following two experiences.  One:  friend who was trying to get pregnant came over and I should have set boundaries -she expected me to bring in dinner and I did -but I'm also trying to watch my newborn, get him to sleep, clean bottles.  I was so exhausted because I also had to serve her.  In the past it would have been no biggie -I'm a social person.  But. Wow.

Second:  -same age of son, our cousin came over.  She brought a pizza with her, walked in, and offered to give the baby a bottle (I was alone again).  She did so I could actually breathe a little and she didn't hover -she just was "there" and she even didn't let me give her any pizza -she wanted me to eat.  And breathe.  

Those early days, those baby days - at least for me - so much was so much more overwhelming.  No I did not have PPA or PPD.  But still.

[catfeeder]

On 9/27/2021 at 1:03 PM, DancingFool said:

Them : "You are soo lazy, look how chaotic this place is. Why can't you do better. You are soo incompetent."

Your response: "Uhuh.....sorry you feel that way." Walk away and don't lift a finger.

Yup, OR, "Anyone who believes that they can do this faster, cleaner, or better is welcome to step up to show me how it's done. Until then, the complaint department is closed."

[Andrina]

There's a reason a Mama's Boy makes the top 12 list of men you should never date. It's no wonder you're having marital problems. But now that you have a child together, you will have to learn how to live with the situation if you stay in the marriage. You can learn what not to do next time. When your child is sleeping, you can have a discussion with your husband when you're both feeling mellow. Perhaps print out some articles on best practices to work together as a team in making decisions together.

When you use "I feel" terms, a person can't argue with how you feel and it's less combative than "you never" statements.

I'd say, "I know you were brought up a certain way and are used to that, and I tried that way for a while to please you, but I find it's too overwhelming for me. It's a new era, where change is inevitable, and change can be a good thing. I'd like us to share the chores and have you play an equal part in caring for our child. It'll be nice for me to be less exhausted and feel like we're true co-partners, helping each other and relieving the load--balancing the scales.

My husband and I have had to learn never to arrange to meet his grown daughter, who lives an hour and a half away, at a restaurant or location where time is important. She has no sense of time and is consistently late. If she's coming our way, it's fine if we're just going to be home all day and night regardless, because if she says she'll be over late morning it could actually be 7 p.m. when she arrives. We don't make certain plans with her knowing how she is.

In a future instance, since his mother doesn't work and you've decided you might invite her to something, maybe ask your husband that his mother not be called until you're totally ready and act like it's a spur of the moment thing, i.e., "Hey, Mom. We've decided to check out XYZ today. We can pick you up in a half hour if you want to join."

Explain to him that this will avoid the problems you recently experienced. Learn how to negotiate with him if he wants something that will place a burden on you, i.e., "I'm willing to go if you do XYZ."

What's wrong with developing a spine? You're already subject to their supposed judgements, so hasn't that toughened your skin to endure any backlash you might endure for speaking up for yourself?