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My boyfriend brings up having a threesome when we have sex. Is this normal?


crispyapples_
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Hello, I need some advice. My boyfriend (24) and I (25) have been together for 3 and a half years now. He is very loving, thoughtful, and caring. He pays for everything and treats me well. However, the one thing that does bother me, is that he talks about having a threesome often when we have sex. When we do it, he would some storytelling, where he brings up my sister and other female friends. I would play along because it is in the moment, but deep down inside, I am bothered by it. He says he wants both of us to do sexual things with them. We have sex 3x a week. He would bring them up 2 out of 3 times a week.  Is it normal? I have low self esteem and I brought it up to him. He says he only mentions them because it helps him stay hard for longer. He has difficulty keeping it up, b/c of his ADHD. He says he doesn't actually want to have a threesome with them, its just for storytelling. 

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9 minutes ago, crispyapples_ said:

I brought it up to him. He says he only mentions them because it helps him stay hard for longer. He has difficulty keeping it up, b/c of his ADHD. 

Sorry this is happening. It's good you mentioned it.

It seems like he is using fantasy for the purpose of sustaining erections/sex. 

As long as he does not expect it to materialize are you ok with his explanation?

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Yeah... NO should say enough.  And ask him to keep these 'ideas' to himself.  You don't want to hear it anymore.

 

I have an ex who'd mention something like this occasionally.. NEVER this often!  And never about my family members, fps 😕 .

Maybe suggest you guys view a little porn together, before sex, as that can also keep him going? and is something for you both to share....

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My ex tried suggesting this. I then suggested a threesome with him and me and another man instead of another woman. That shut him up pretty quick.

Maybe, as others have said, it's a fantasy that makes sex spicier for him. But if it bothers you please tell him (NOT during sex!). Hopefully he will listen to your concerns. 

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Idk. I think there's no smoke without fire.

Why your sister? And other female friends? These aren't fantasies. These are actual people you know. Honestly, I find this to be off putting. I'd be turned off too.

As other posters suggested; decline. Simply say you're not comfortable with this and you don't wish to hear more about it. And, see how he reacts. That should tell you more (if he gets defensive / angry, then there's more into it. If not, then it's more what boltnrun mentioned).

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53 minutes ago, crispyapples_ said:

When we do it, he would some storytelling, where he brings up my sister

And you are OK with that? I would be more bothered as your literal family is included in sex fantasy lol

Is it normal? Well, yes, most guys at that age have that fantasy. If he doesnt expect to materialize, OK, but having him bring up that much is kinda concerning, And again, sister?!

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2 hours ago, crispyapples_ said:

 he brings up my sister and other female friends.

Uh no. That's just crossing the line, imo. And if he can't deal with you saying you are not interested in a threesome then pack his bags and show him the door.  'Nuff said.

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I'd be less concerned with 'normal' by anyone else's standards, and I'd deal instead with how I would feel about this BF raising my own sister.

To call that a turn-off would be mild, matched only by the horror of discovering that I'd never seen any sooner the STUPIDITY in such a man who would say this to me.

I can handle kink, but stupid? Not a shot.

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How do you know he hasn’t been with your sister or one/some of your friends? He’s comfortable enough vocalizing it. So what’s so bad about going through with it? He doesn’t seem to care that it bothers you.

You’ve described the relationship as loving, thoughtful and caring but his fantasies seem fairly inconsiderate and disturbing (to you). You’ve told him that it bothers you and he continues to do it? What about this is thoughtful or caring? Any person with an ounce of care would pick up that you’re put off if you’ve asked about it. 

You may be taken in with him providing for you or paying your bills and buying you things but your relationship doesn’t sound as caring as one would imagine.

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7 hours ago, crispyapples_ said:

Hello, I need some advice. My boyfriend (24) and I (25) have been together for 3 and a half years now. He is very loving, thoughtful, and caring. He pays for everything and treats me well. However, the one thing that does bother me, is that he talks about having a threesome often when we have sex. When we do it, he would some storytelling, where he brings up my sister and other female friends. I would play along because it is in the moment, but deep down inside, I am bothered by it. He says he wants both of us to do sexual things with them. We have sex 3x a week. He would bring them up 2 out of 3 times a week.  Is it normal? I have low self esteem and I brought it up to him. He says he only mentions them because it helps him stay hard for longer. He has difficulty keeping it up, b/c of his ADHD. He says he doesn't actually want to have a threesome with them, its just for storytelling. 

No, this is not normal.

And no, him lusting after your sister, or friends ...is even more far from normal....he's being a total creep!

It's no wonder you're having low self esteem!!

His "storytelling" is extremely toxic and it's not okay, nor it is healthy.

Unless both you and he are they type to want a more open type of relationship, where both of you have sex with other people besides one another, there is no way this is going to work.

And please don't try to force yourself to be the type of person who tries to be okay with other women involved because you want to please him.

You don't HAVE to accept any of this!

If you're the type of woman that prefers monogamy, and for sex to be shared between just you and he without the fantasies of other people being involved, then accept that and own that.

You don't need to try to force yourself to endure this for his sake.

Honestly, for someone that wants monogamy, this sounds like pure torture!

End this relationship, before he damages you even worse than he already has.

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8 hours ago, crispyapples_ said:

He says he doesn't actually want to have a threesome with them, its just for storytelling

He's full of crap. If you said okay, he'd be running to pencil in the date. And his ADHD is irrevelant here. 

8 hours ago, crispyapples_ said:

I would play along

 Stop doing this. Today. Never play along with something that makes you uncomfortable. You need to assert your boundaries here and say no, and you need to talk to him about this outside the bedroom as well. Tell him it has to stop and it hurts you. 

8 hours ago, crispyapples_ said:

he brings up my sister

This part in particular is messed up, OP. I would kick any guy out of my bed if he brought up my (imaginary) sister. 

Full disclosure, I am someone who has had threesomes on occasion, and enjoyed it. So speaking from experience - none of what you describe is "normal." It isn't normal to bring it up nearly every time you have sex. It isn't normal to include family members. It isn't normal to insist on this "fantasy" when your partner is not comfortable with it, so speak up and do so clearly and without delay. 

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Definitely not normal. It's normal to be attracted to the idea of a threesome but there's a time and a way to bring it up, especially if you're the one who wants the mix catered to your sexuality (i.e. a heterosexual person who wants the threesome to be you and two, of the opposite sex).

Repeating your request over and over isn't normal, nor is asking for specific friends and family members to be involved, and nor is making these requests during sex.

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3 hours ago, Carnatic said:

It's normal to be attracted to the idea of a threesome

Actually, it's not. There is a huge amount of people who do not find threesomes appealing.

Many are into monogamy and enjoy sex one on one.

Are there people who are into threesomes? Sure, but it's more of a fetish and a smaller number of people who would actually be okay sharing their partner like this.

Add into it, that most people who do try out threesomes, have it end horribly. Too much jealousy and hurt feelings for it to actually turn into anything good.

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40 minutes ago, SherrySher said:

Actually, it's not. There is a huge amount of people who do not find threesomes appealing.

Many are into monogamy and enjoy sex one on one.

Are there people who are into threesomes? Sure, but it's more of a fetish and a smaller number of people who would actually be okay sharing their partner like this.

Add into it, that most people who do try out threesomes, have it end horribly. Too much jealousy and hurt feelings for it to actually turn into anything good.

Depends on your definition of normal though. It doesn't just mean 'what the majority prefer'. For example, there are a huge amount of heterosexual people too but that doesn't mean that homosexual people aren't normal.

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Mentioning your sister while you are having sex is out of the norm.  Imo, your biggest concern here is that he does NOT seem to think of nor respect your feelings.  At all.  It doesn't take a genius to figure out that mentioning your sister during sex is hurtful and should be off limits.  The fact that he even had the audacity to try it out is a big red flag imo, let alone that he insists on keep doing it.  He should have backed off the moment you told him that it hurts you.  You need to clearly outline your personal boundaries and then uphold them.  Story telling or not, if he insists on things during sex after you explained to him that they hurt your self esteem then you need to drop him.      

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1 hour ago, Carnatic said:

Depends on your definition of normal though. It doesn't just mean 'what the majority prefer'. For example, there are a huge amount of heterosexual people too but that doesn't mean that homosexual people aren't normal.

I still stand by what I said, it's not "normal" for people to be attracted to the idea threesomes.

It's more of a fetish. 

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1 hour ago, Carnatic said:

For example, there are a huge amount of heterosexual people too but that doesn't mean that homosexual people aren't normal.

Hey. hey, hey...that's really twisting my words.

In no way whatsoever, have I ever implied anything about heterosexuals, or homosexuals, at all.

I actually find both to be perfectly normal.

Please stick to one subject and the one being discussed without putting words into peoples mouths...please and thank you.

 

 

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15 minutes ago, SherrySher said:

Hey. hey, hey...that's really twisting my words.

In no way whatsoever, have I ever implied anything about heterosexuals, or homosexuals, at all.

I actually find both to be perfectly normal.

Please stick to one subject and the one being discussed without putting words into peoples mouths...please and thank you.

 

 

I didn't say you would believe that. I used that example specifically because I assumed you didn't believe that.

Please read what someone has written before you go making allegations.

Back on the topic of threesomes. I respectfully disagree. I know enough people who have said they would be up for one to consider it more widespread than just a fetish. The point was though that the OP was wandering if it was normal and even for those of us who think that in itself was normal, the rest of the OP's description of her boyfriend's behaviour raises a few red flags.

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12 minutes ago, Carnatic said:

I know enough people who have said they would be up for one to consider it more widespread than just a fetish.

Different strokes for different folks, because I can make the exact same claim.

I know many, many people who would disagree with you that they would ever find a threesome appealing.

It is not something a lot of couples engage in, and although some men may have had the idea float through their mind at one time, it's not often that it actually comes to a threesome session.

I think many women would find the idea off putting and would not be into it, at all.

Normal for some men to fantasize about it, sure, (not all men)......but normal to have a threesome, or normal for a woman to want to? Both no from all the people I have come across in my lifetime.

Interestingly enough, I have a large group of women friends and this topic has funnily enough come up in the past during a group chat.

Either married, or not, nearly 90% of the group were into into the idea of a threesome and were concerned if their partner brought that idea up.

I don't think many women would be jumping for joy over their partner wanting someone else to join in with their sex life.

This guy however, made it even more weird/repulsive, in bringing up her family, and friends. 

That's as low as you can get. 

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I think I understand what @Carnaticis saying. Just because someone hasn't experienced something or been exposed to people who enjoy that thing doesn't make it abnormal or a fetish.

Every man I've dated with the exception of my husband has participated in a threesome. Some of my female friends have also done so. And they are not fetishists. It just depends on the circles you run in.

I think the OP's boyfriend is somewhat classless in the way he expresses his fantasy. I think she should tell him it makes her uncomfortable.

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It doesn't matter if threesomes are "normal" or not or whatever. 

If his fantasies creep you out tell him to keep them to himself.

Reflect if you really wish to be with someone who blurts out stuff during sex that is unsavory and upsetting to you.

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