Waiting for an Engagement

[Tay88]

Hi Everyone, I'm after a little advice!

Me and my partner have been together for 10 years this month and were both now 33. When we first met, and several times since then, we've discussed marriage and kids and I'd always expressed I would like to be married or at least engaged by the time I was 30, and I wanted to be married before I had children. 

We've lived together for 9 years, and we have bought a house, which I know are all huge signs of commitment but he knows marriage is something I've always wanted. 

I want to talk to him about it but how do I bring up a proposal, without then always wondering if that's the only reason he did it, or potentially ruining any plans he has? 

He's not a spontaneous romantic type, I've never had flowers delivered and he doesn't ever plan surprises and now I'm worried I'm setting myself up for a huge let down.

I feel like I'm being ungrateful because I am happy with our home, but if he knows marriage is something I've always wanted, is it fair he's keeping me waiting this long?

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Tay88 said:

We've lived together for 9 years, and we have bought a house, 

Unfortunately, he doesn't want to get married. A mortgage and living together is his end goal.

It doesn't seem like you are "waiting". It seems like he's content and complacent having a live-in GF to share expenses with.

Reflect on what leverage you have. You'll have to be frank and discuss the legalities of marriage.

After 9 years of living together, you can't keep holding your breath for a Hollywood proposal.

[DarkCh0c0]

9 years and still no marriage? And he knows how much this means to you?

I'm sorry to say, but what you see is what you get. This is what you get:

22 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately, he doesn't want to get married. A mortgage and living together is his end goal.

It doesn't seem like you are "waiting". It seems like he's content and complacent having a live-in GF to share expenses with.

Even if you bring up the topic, I'm afraid he'll say anything so that you wait more for nothing. And of course, you also don't want him to force himself into it.

You're at a time where this relationship is at a crucial phase. If he doesn't consider how important this is to you (I'm sure there are other things as well), then you have your answer.

And yes, don't doubt or neglect your needs. He doesn't need a miracle to marry you. You could have married before buying the house together.

[DarkCh0c0]

For how to bring up the topic..

Maybe while chilling together/cuddling, say "hey, remember those times we used to talk about marriage? What happened to that? 🙂".

His reaction (honest or not) will tell you all you need to know.

[MissCanuck]

2 hours ago, Tay88 said:

is it fair he's keeping me waiting this long?

Have you two not talked about what his reservations are?

It's not really about being "fair" but rather the possibility that your future goals are not aligned. Given that, I would not sit him down and ask about a prosposal. That's beside the point, really. I would ask him instead if marriage is still something he wants. And be prepared to hear whatever he has to say, even if it's not exactly the answer you were hoping for. 

You will also need to get clear with yourself about what to do next. Let's say he is vague about wanting to get married "someday" or says he isn't "ready" yet. What are you prepared to do with that? What if he says that legal marriage isn't important to him and he's happy with the way things are? Would you be content remaining together, unmarried? Willing to wait longer? Some points you will need to reflect carefully on. 

You're not wrong to want marriage. But if you get the sense that his prirorities here have shifted and might not be what he wants, you have a hard decision to make about the  viability of this relationship. 

[LaHermes]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately, he doesn't want to get married. A mortgage and living together is his end goal.

I have to agree, and all I can say to you OP and from what you write, I don't see marriage on the cards. 

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, LaHermes said:

I have to agree, and all I can say to you OP and from what you write, I don't see marriage on the cards. 

I agree.  How is living together for 9 years a huge sign of commitment or any sign of commitment? 9 years ago did you have a plan for when you were going to marry and what was the purpose of moving in together 9 years ago?  My husband and I married when we were 42.  We never lived together before marriage -we always had our own places.  We were committed from the start (and had dated in the past so the second time around we were clear with our intentions as to why we were getting back together -marriage and family).  It never occurred to either of us that living together was any kind of step to increase commitment.  We loved each other, we were exclusive, we had specific marriage and family goals and dreams. 

And - here's an important piece -living together before marriage likely would have made our marriage much harder, because we became parents a couple of months after getting married (this was 100% planned -we didn't want to wait longer to try to conceive even if it meant getting married a little earlier).  In my personal experience, living with an adult (which we did unofficially -spent many nights together) has nothing to do with living in an apartment with an adorable newborn and infant and his Stuff. 

And if you already have some sort of expectation about what it's like to live with your boyfriend you'll have to deal with the huge adjustment of living with a newborn since you say you want kids and likely shortly after marriage. For us we had no such expectations -our first official living together was 3 of us in a 550 square foot apartment. I mean sure this is just my personal experience but I venture a guess that many new parents would agree with me. 

Why don't you propose to him? And suggest a specific wedding date? Have a party to celebrate the wedding in the future so you don't have to wait much longer to be married? I mean you're playing house for many years so um the blushing bride/blushing damsel waiting for her prince charming to get down on bended knee and propose - kind of maybe inconsistent with what you two chose to do first? I mean you do you but rather than passively waiting since you actively moved in with him and actively have sex with him and actively want to be married and hopefully pregnant -why grasp on to a tradition that doesn't really fit so well with this picture?

[Andrina]

The only thing you talk about is what he doesn't do for you. Are you really sure he is your version of the greatest lifetime partner and nobody else will do? Or, are you just used to him since you've been together so long? 

Does he take good care of you when you're sick? Does he make you feel special? Does he do his fair share of chores? Does he make your life easier? Do you match in all the major ways? Do you share the same ethics? Do you feel an emotional connection with him?

After some soul searching, if you think you really want to spend forever with him, ask him to sit on the couch with you and turn off the t.v. Then I'd say, "I think this is a good time for us to marry and then work on having children."

After ten years, if you can't be honest with someone about how you're feeling and voice what you want, you're in the wrong relationship.

He can't argue with what you want. He'll either tell you if he agrees or why he doesn't want to do that. You will then get your answer so you can move ahead with your goals with him by your side, or cut your losses.

Just because it's common for a man to do a formal proposal doesn't mean one size fits all. My husband and I had discussions about marriage and had the ceremony. There was never any proposal from him. 

Good luck and let us know how it goes.

[Lambert]

10 years & a house together and you don't know how to bring up your needs? Why is that? 

[LaHermes]

5 hours ago, Tay88 said:

is it fair he's keeping me waiting this long?

You kept yourself waiting, OP. I can assure you that if he had wanted to marry you he'd have been on to it like lightning in the early days.

5 hours ago, Tay88 said:

I'd always expressed I would like to be married or at least engaged by the time I was 30, and I wanted to be married before I had children. 

And what (if anything) did he reply when you stated your wishes to him?

[itsallgrand]

My first thought is maybe he has changed his mind about having children. He knows you don't want to have children before a marriage, and he is avoiding marriage with you. Unless he has actively brought up with you wanting to try for a baby or looking into adoption in real actionable terms? But you have said no unless there is a marriage? 

 

 

[SooSad33]

6 minutes ago, Lambert said:

10 years & a house together and you don't know how to bring up your needs? Why is that? 

I second this...

Do you feel you can & do communicate okay?  Have you brought up this idea a lot ( or too much over the yrs?).

In 10 years, something like this should have been dealt with, I feel.  IF it was a plan over time, it should be discussed by now?

Also, in your post, you mention how he is not that romantic, doesn't give you flowers etc.. So this bother's you as well?

Do you have a LOT of things building up in you about him?  Do you feel he is a good guy over all... you two can & do talk enough?  do you feel heard?

I do suggest you have a serious heart to heart & soon if this has been weighing on you and you haven't discussed this in a long time.

By now, he should know what he wants here.. Either he does or does not want to marry & have kids... BUT you need to know as well.

 

[Kwothe28]

After 10 years and 9 of them living together I think he would propose or at least mentioned something if he wanted to do that. He is comfortable where you are right now. You have a house, joint expenses and that is it. I am assuming no kids but what is his opinion on that matter? Because after all that time you need to make sure you have the same direction and it doesnt seem you are sure. So, you need to have that talk with him. To make sure that you want the same thing. Because if you want marriage and kids and he doesnt that is a very huge obsticle no matter if you bought the house together and if you are both happy with that. Some couples survive purely on longevity. That means that you just get used to each other and live on that. You need to make sure you are not one of those couples and that you are not just roomates but two people who share the same interests and goals and work toward them.

[LaHermes]

I agree with much of what Kwothe says. 

So, OP, what if you have this "talk" and he says he does not wish to marry (I think this is obvious anyhow) not now, not ever, what will you decide to do then?  

 

[Batya33]

Also I wouldn't get engaged without a specific wedding date within a year or less.  I was engaged for 6 weeks.

[boltnrun]

Why are you afraid to bring up the topic of marriage?

I can tell you, my brother in law never wanted to get married but he knew his girlfriends would breakup with him if he said so.  So instead he kept putting it off.  They needed to save up $5000.  Then he needed a new job.  Then he needed to be in his new job for a year.  Then he wanted them to move to a bigger place.  Then they needed to save for a house.  Then they needed to look for the perfect house.  His girlfriends wised up and dumped him.  They're now both married with children and he's in his late 40s and single and living with his mom.

If your relationship is solid you shouldn't be fearful to have this conversation.

[melancholy123]

Why dont you propose to him?

[smackie9]

You have to bring it up. You can start with how long you two have been together, have a house, you are happy, you feel you two get along, etc. Then ask...what are his thoughts now about marriage and children. Say you are open to hear what his thoughts are fairly, and discuss things honestly. Be calm, be supportive, and take it from there.

Maybe he doesn't want a huge fussy wedding, maybe just a small one with two witnesses. If he has concerns about raising children, discuss how many one? two? How are things going to be financially? You going to keep working? daycare? Grandparents involvement, etc.

[LaHermes]

We'd like to hear from you OP. What do you think of responses so far?

A question: what drew you to this man in the first instance? You say that when you first met you expressed your wish to get married.  You are telling us what YOU expressed, but WHAT was his response when you mentioned marriage.  Did he say, back then, that, yes, he wanted to marry you?

And if he didn't, and slid aside from the question, why did you actually buy a house together and move in?

You knew what you wanted from day one. But, did he?

[boltnrun]

46 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

you can start with how long you two have been together, have a house, you are happy, you feel you two get along, etc.

IDK, that sounds like a "marriage sales pitch".  I would use a different approach.

I think it was @LaHermesor perhaps @MissCanuck who recommended just asking him if marriage is still in his plans or how he feels about it.  Then let him know YOU want marriage and tell him why it's important to you.

[smackie9]

I have a few man friends that have been in this position..so I'm just going by their experience.

[LaHermes]

1 hour ago, LaHermes said:

what drew you to this man in the first instance? You say that when you first met you expressed your wish to get married.  You are telling us what YOU expressed, but WHAT was his response when you mentioned marriage.  Did he say, back then, that, yes, he wanted to marry you?

And if he didn't, and slid aside from the question, why did you actually buy a house together and move in?

You knew what you wanted from day one. But, did he?

I could be wrong, but I feel that after TEN years (quite a long time) that horse has bolted.  Again, I ask, OP. What did he say when you FIRST met and at that time you expressed your wish to get married? You are not telling us what he actually said, if he said anything.  Was he just non-committal, and you went along with that?

[Cherylyn]

Broach the topic of marriage.  Tell him that you prefer to be married with children before age 30.  Tell the truth and be completely honest.  Ask him what his intentions are.  Get your answers. 

There is a way to respect his wishes while envisioning what you desire for your future with or without him, with him or with someone else who has the same goals in life as you do. 

If he's unwilling to legally commit to you, it's your decision whether or not you wish to remain in a relationship with him. 

Don't feel that you are ungrateful.  You want to know what his plans are so both of you can be on the same page and in lockstep.

 

 

[waffle]

Not to be obvious but 30 has come and gone, if your goal was to be married or engaged by then, why was this not addressed at that time?

If I were you I wouldn't hold my breath.  Your boyfriend is taking you for granted because he knows you'll stay with him, marriage or not.  There is no reason for him to propose.  So he won't.

 

[melancholy123]

My husband would say - why buy a cow when you can get the milk for free?