First Date because of Surgery

[sadchick83]

I met a cute guy at a bar this past weekend.  We did a bit of texting post-meeting which he clearly showed he was interested in me.  My sister was visiting at the time so I was going back out the Saturday night he texted.  I had surgery booked for a long time 2 days ago (Wednesday). I really wanted to see the guy again because I probably have about 1.5-2weeks of recovery, so I decided to message him to suggest going out (on the night before my surgery).  He fully planned an evening - wanted to go to the gym, then go to his favorite restaurant.

I could only go to the restaurant since I had to work.  I mentioned prior to meeting up that I could not drink because I was having surgery the next day. He texted no problem, that he was not drinking this week anyway.  We are both into healthy lifestyle.

The date went very well. The conversation was easy and we have a lot in common.  After dinner he suggested we walk on the beach and then parted ways.  I tried to hug him good night but it was a bit awkward. He also mentioned on the date he would send me links to all of these interesting things we discussed on the date. He did not send.

So I get home and send hime a short text thanking him for the evening and mention something funny he said during the date.  He answers back “Ha!"

That’s the last I have heard from him. So, Tuesday night date and now crickets.  Any thoughts as to what is going on? I now have about 4 days to stew by myself in my house and don’t want to drive myself nuts.

Thanks in advance!

 

[DancingFool]

Unfortunately it sounds like the typical dating thing - you both had a pleasant date, but something didn't quite click for him and that's that. A one and done unfortunately.

Please don't stew because there is nothing to do about these things. We've all done this. You meet someone and think you might be into them, but then you go on a date and realize that you are not that into them after all, even if the date is nice. It's just that lack of "it" factor that you don't control.

[SooSad33]

You met in a bar... he seemed really interested.. for a while.

Now.. not so much 😕 .

If he's gone quiet, just leave it up him to get in contact with you.  

IF he is interested, he will contact you.  

 

[sadchick83]

Thanks SooSad and Dancing Fool, So I guess if a guy doesn’t contact you (it’s been about 2.5 days) after a first date to forget it.  I believe he is about 40 years old.  Not sure if people still go by the wait 3 days thing. I’m on like 20 different drugs right now, so a bit doped out LOL.

[Rose Mosse]

Give it more time. What's important is that you leave all that at the door and get back on track with your health and heal post-surgery. You both just met so him being all over you or texting you at a time when you're recovering is not exactly appropriate. He may think that you have a lot of friends and family already to answer to and deal with as people may be asking how you're doing and sending you well wishes also. 

If you don't hear from him within a week, lower your expectations drastically. Don't take it personally. You may be a cool gal but the timing is off. If both of you reconnect later, that's fine. Wishing you a speedy recovery!

[SooSad33]

10 minutes ago, sadchick83 said:

Thanks SooSad and Dancing Fool, So I guess if a guy doesn’t contact you (it’s been about 2.5 days) after a first date to forget it.  I believe he is about 40 years old.  Not sure if people still go by the wait 3 days thing. I’m on like 20 different drugs right now, so a bit doped out LOL.

Aww, yeah... don't ruin yourself over this.. dude, lol 😕 .

Doesn't matter the age. we've got all kinds 😉 .

Take care of yourself.. get rest, don't worry about it. ❤️ 

[Kwothe28]

I dunno, he knew you had a surgery, if he was interested he would probably at least ask how it went no matter the "3 day rule". I dont think he was that interested so dont get your hopes up. 

[sadchick83]

It just sucks. I’ve moved to place with no young people and was about to move because of the crappy dating situation and of course I meet a date-worthy guy a fews days before this surgery. Anyway, I look like I have been in a car accident, so cannot see anyone for a while. But yes, I agree, need to focus on healing and see what happens.

[DancingFool]

15 minutes ago, sadchick83 said:

Thanks SooSad and Dancing Fool, So I guess if a guy doesn’t contact you (it’s been about 2.5 days) after a first date to forget it.  I believe he is about 40 years old.  Not sure if people still go by the wait 3 days thing. I’m on like 20 different drugs right now, so a bit doped out LOL.

You reached out after your date and showed that you are interested. He was not responsive. So I think you've done what you can, but the interest on his end is just not there. It just happens like that.

Forget about him and please get better and focus on that. Hugs and well wishes.

[smackie9]

Any guy would try to nail down another date, or at least keep engaged in conversation, or reach out. It was awkward at the end of the date and this....all arrows are pointing to him not being interested...he's doing the fade. Forget about him and go forward.

dating is like this...you win some maybe, but you do lose some for sure.

[Wiseman2]

53 minutes ago, sadchick83 said:

it’s been about 2.5 days after a first date.

Be patient. If he contacts you, great, if not, oh well. There may have been a bit of TMI with the surgery thing and he's laying back from all that.

[WalterSobcha]

2 hours ago, sadchick83 said:

So I get home and send hime a short text thanking him for the evening and mention something funny he said during the date.  He answers back “Ha!"

Was there any other kind of communication from him after the date than "Ha!"? If that really is the only thing he ever sent after the date, after you contacted him first and thanked him, I'm sorry but I'd say he's not interested.

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, sadchick83 said:

Thanks SooSad and Dancing Fool, So I guess if a guy doesn’t contact you (it’s been about 2.5 days) after a first date to forget it.  I believe he is about 40 years old.  Not sure if people still go by the wait 3 days thing. I’m on like 20 different drugs right now, so a bit doped out LOL.

Forget about it as soon as the date is over unless you have a time and place plan for another date.  There is no other date unless he calls or you call and ask him out in the future and you decide at that time if you would like to see him again. That way you can move on.  Why wait if you’ve had one date and there’s no plan for another. That means no date.  Unless things change in the future.  Decide when and if that happens.  This mindset helped me so much when I was dating. 

[lostandhurt]

There really is nothing for you to do except recover from surgery right now.  I hope it wasn't anything serious and it all went well btw.

  Getting into the mind of the person you just met when they fade is impossible.  I am sure you have had guys you weren't interested in after a couple of meets but couldn't put your finger on why.  Sometimes it just doesn't feel right.

  At least he didn't try and get in your pants and then ghost you.

  If you look at the positive side:  You attracted a guy you are interested in so if there is one there are more in the area right?

   Lost

[Tinydance]

I think maybe what happened was that because you met at a bar, you didn't know each other at all. He wanted to have a date to get to know you more. But on the date he realised he wasn't really feeling a spark. I think that's pretty normal. Especially when you meet at a bar and you actually know nothing about each other yet.

[limichelle]

Aww I’m sorry 😞 It doesn’t sound as if he’s interested. Focus on you’re healing and don’t give up. The right guy will be letting you know he’s interested. 

[Lambert]

3 hours ago, limichelle said:

Aww I’m sorry 😞 It doesn’t sound as if he’s interested. Focus on you’re healing and don’t give up. The right guy will be letting you know he’s interested. 

This^^^^ 

it does suck. but save yourself the trouble.  someone better is out there. 

[melancholy123]

Just work on getting better.  Sounds like this guy was not really interested in you.  Yes it sucks but there's plenty of other guys out there.

[sadchick83]

Just wanted to follow up with this situation...

This guy I wrote about contacted me on Thursday and we went out last night.  Our first date was almost 5 months ago and I was kind of put off that I met someone, went on a date, had a scheduled surgery the next day and had to recover for about two weeks. While I was in recovery, he had to travel for work in another state and I was really lamenting that I had bad luck with timing/I liked him more than he like me, etc.  I seriously moaned about this guy for at least a month to anyone who would listen.

His company was acquired and he has been in NYC for almost 5 months, miserable as hell staying in hotels, dealing with crime, not able to eat healthy or work out and working very long hours. He really enjoyed our time together and felt it would have been pointless to message each other for the last few months when he had not idea when he would be coming back and thought we would just get angry/bored without an end date in sight. He messaged me within 24 hours of getting back in town.

I kind of like someone else now, who also had to move out-of-town for work - many people have to go back now that the pandemic is over where I am located. The point is, we have no idea what is going on with people.  Work stress can kill a (budding) relationship. I truly had given up on this guy, so was very surprised to hear from him and go on a date.

Not sure where this will go since he is a few guys ago, but as a woman I feel it is silly to put a timeline on things, like if he doesn’t get back to me within a week, forget it.  It’s ok to focus on other people, but we should not assume it had anything to do with us. Never gaslight yourself and assume he was not interested. People have to deal with issues we cannot imagine. They could just be distracted for the near future and it has nothing to do with you.

Will see where this goes....

 

[Jibralta]

58 minutes ago, sadchick83 said:

Never gaslight yourself and assume he was not interested. People have to deal with issues we cannot imagine. They could just be distracted for the near future and it has nothing to do with you.

He may have been dating someone else. He was living in a totally different place for five months. It wouldn't be the craziest thing to date while he was there.

[sadchick83]

1 minute ago, Jibralta said:

He may have been dating someone else. He was living in a totally different place for five months. It wouldn't be the craziest thing to date while he was there.

Hey Jibralta,

I actually asked him that since I am not that into him anymore.  I asked him he was dating anyone and he said: “no way, not into getting syphilis from incestuous NY people/women.” I have never caught him in a lie, so maybe this is true.

And, to be fair, I have dated 3 men since him, so him dating other people would have been fine by me.  My point here is that it’s OK to meet in bars, people have other things going on in their lives and it had little to do with him ‘not being into me.’  He was into himself and trying to save his job. Important to not find fault in ourselves when we have no idea what people are going through.

[Batya33]

He was not interested in taking you out on another date because he didn't ask you out for another date.  If he was he would have texted you or called you to wish you luck on your surgery and explain that he does want to date you and doesn't want to start anything until he knows where he'll be living.  If he was interested in dating you he never would have left you hanging like that - that would defy common sense.  I dated for many years and like I wrote above there was no next date if there wasn't a plan.  If the guy followed up then I'd see if I was free, if I was still available.  

So he wasn't that into you back then for dating purposes -he may have been attracted to you/enjoyed flirting with you, etc.  

Now he is interested in taking you out on a date because he called. Up to you whether you want to resume now.  

Back then what I noticed is you got your hopes up that he was interested in dating you because he texted after you met.  All that shows is interested in chatting by text and possibly flirting.  A man who is interested in dating you will ask you out on a date he plans in advance.  And sure if it's your thing you can choose  to ask men out too.  But no need to try to read signals - like texting or flirting.  I'm glad he got back in touch and that you're still interested in dating him.

Also never ever find fault in yourself if someone doesn't ask you out again unless you feel you did something in particular to offend the person.  Then you apologize.

[Jibralta]

53 minutes ago, sadchick83 said:

“no way, not into getting syphilis from incestuous NY people/women.”

That's a crazy way to talk about a group of people (and not very attractive of him, if I might add). 

54 minutes ago, sadchick83 said:

I have never caught him in a lie, so maybe this is true.

But how long have you actually known him? Two weeks of interaction and then radio silence? I dunno. I don't think I could say much about anyone without knowing them a lot more than that. 

58 minutes ago, sadchick83 said:

Important to not find fault in ourselves when we have no idea what people are going through.

I agree here, though. 

[Batya33]

13 hours ago, sadchick83 said:

 I asked him he was dating anyone and he said: “no way, not into getting syphilis from incestuous NY people/women.” I have never caught him in a lie, so maybe this is true.

How disgusting and offensive.  And so silly and unintelligent -NY attracts people from all over of course so he has no clue where someone living in New York at that moment is from -even if his ridiculous comment was true which it was not.  

Many years ago in a big city like NY I met a handsome successful guy for lunch through a dating website.  One of the things that struck me was his insistence on telling me that he found his coworkers and the people who worked for him really dumb.  He just met me.  Based on that plus I think the way he regarded the waiter maybe- I decided not to see him again and I don't think he asked me out again anyway.

More than a year later, he forgot we'd met and he contacted me on the same dating site.  If I remember right I think I told him why I was put off by him.  I don't think he apologized for his comments and he explained that his parents had a bad first date but ended up getting married.  Nice story.  Probably true.  I decided not to meet him again.  My point is when someone you barely know makes a comment like my person did or yours - they're doing you a favor.  They're telling you who they are.  Listen. (JMHO!!)

[sadchick83]

16 hours ago, Batya33 said:

That was funny Batya 😁.  Honestly, the point of this was simply to give folks who initially posted an update.  People (including me of course) go in all kinds of directions when people begin to limit their communication.  To be fair, we did throw each other a few texts while he was gone and the last one I mentioned he should message me when he get back.

The less contact wasn’t because we met in a bar - basically one of the few places to meet people IRL in my small town, or that he wasn’t interested, he was simply about to lose his job and had to focus on work at the other end of the country.

And, not all guys are into Tinder and it is a bit unfair to compare 20 years ago to now.  Have you been on a Tinder date lately? I personally only use Tinder as a form of entertainment. It’s not “Just Lunch,” or whatever app people were on 20 years ago I can assure you. 

Also, having lived in NYC recently, it IS different now than it was 20 years ago. So is dating. Get the book Nothing Personal by Mary Jo Sales - the book basically describes how dating apps like Tinder are doing serious harm to (some) women.  I actually find it attractive when a guy in my small town is not on Tinder.

It’s different now, but I appreciate your personal comparison to mine. It was a humorous story. Finally, I would not kick a guy to the curb because he abhors Tinder and finds it dirty.  Just my opinion.