Wife says she is "missing out" and doesn't like my personality

[WhereDoWeGoFromHe]

College sweethearts and we've been together for 13 years, married for 9, with three kids all under 10. Love her with my soul and treat her like she is the Sun. But we've got really hard times lately. She has a very strong personality and likes to get things done. She prides herself on being on top of things and she really is amazing at that. But unfortunately in her eyes I keep coming up short in a lot of areas. I may not handle things in a timely manner, I don't take the lead a lot when it comes to our home stuff. BUT, I always come through with execution when it's needed most. Im ok with her being the architect and me the laborer. But I can understand how she wants to roles to be reversed sometimes. But if I do or plan something that is not done exactly the way she would do it, it's labeled as inefficient, wrong and dumb. It's a game I cannot win if the rules never allow me to. Sorry in advance for the football analogy, if I'm the QB and call an audible based on what I see that results in a first down, the last thing I want to hear is criticism. It's wearing me incredibly thin. 

Recently something new. She says that she doesn't like the way I talk and wants someone with more swagger...a thug. I work a corporate job that I love and am passionate about that gives back to low-income communities and make more than enough money for my wife to be a stay at home mom by choice. But let me be clear she is not the average picture of stay at home mom. She is sexy, an amazing trained teacher, and a diy expert who should really be on hgtv. I work long hours sometime and have never given her a reason to think I'm being foul when I leave home. In fact I'm counting down until I see her. But she is saying she needs someone to bring excitement and doesn't talk business like all the time. She's stated that she wants a thug. So I'm like ok...I'm not some square ass guy. I keep it 100 everywhere I go, speak truth to power in every setting I'm in and know how to trade board room talk for street talk when needed. But in her eyes, she's said that she's not really attracted to me anymore. So much so that she is really talking about divorce. We've had some bad fights recently that I truly don't know if we can get on the same page again. I can deal with her strong personality, but this "I don't like your personality" bull*** has me like maybe you should go do your own thing and find what your looking for...but don't expect to come back though because that will not happen. 

I love and adore someone who has fallen out of love with me. For the sake of my kids I want to make it work and I am incredibly fearful of what divorce would do to them. But I don't think I can make her happy anymore. Honestly if not for covid, we'd be separated right now.

I'm not perfect...far from it...but she thinks she is. Her wanting something or someone else really has me wondering if this is even good for me anymore. I feel insulted by that, after all I've given this marriage.

Hope we can fix it...

 

 

[1a1a]

I think the things she’s asking you to change about yourself are not changeable. Could be her taste in romantic partners has changed over the years and that leaves you two incompatible. Even though you love her with all your heart now, she doesn’t love you with all of hers. That love can fade, you can be your authentic self free of the rejection of having a partner who does not appreciate your authentic self. And should you meet someone you like who likes everything about you she won’t be there taking up space in your heart keeping you tied to a relationship that has run it’s course. 

[Wiseman2]

Marriage therapy. You've lost touch with things.

It's doubtful her main issue suddenly is how you speak.

Help out more around the house, instead of passivity waiting for her to nag. 

You seem checked out and coasting along. Not a good look for you.

If she's already throwing around the divorce word, you had better start paying attention.

[Jibralta]

1 hour ago, WhereDoWeGoFromHe said:

I may not handle things in a timely manner, I don't take the lead a lot when it comes to our home stuff. BUT, I always come through with execution when it's needed most.

33 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Help out more around the house, instead of passivity waiting for her to nag. 

You seem checked out and coasting along. Not a good look for you.

I agree. It's exhausting to have to keep after someone who drags their feet on every task. Saving the day loses its charm when the crisis could have been totally averted by timely action. 

 

[MissCanuck]

My guess is she's got a crush on someone (who she considers a "thug") and since he's got her motored up, she wants you to be more like him. 

In other words, I would not be surprised if you found out there is another guy in her mind. I don't necessarily mean she is cheating, but she I highly doubt she's randomly developed this attraction to thugs out of nowhere - especially considering it appears to be quite different from the man she's known a long time. 

Having said that, it is beyond frustrating to have to ask someone several times to get something done. It shouldn't take "needing" to get things done; it is respectful of your partner to hear them and respond when appropriate without being nagged to do it. 

Is she open to marriage counselling? Are you? It sounds like a multi-layered problem that's been building for quite a while now.  

[Seraphim]

I wish my husband was more of an overall take charge person. Not a “ thug” but not someone who needs instructions. I am personally EXHAUSTED after 31 years of that. I have a forceful personality out of necessity but I dislike having to be like that. 
 

It is exhausting to be someone’s “ mommy” So now I let the chips drop where they may become it is physically affecting my health after decades. I am not saying my husband is awful because he isn’t. I adore him and he does take charge in some situations which I very much appreciate. But if I keep being “ mommy” why not be a “ kid” in circumstances? Right? So if I change it will challenge him to change as well. 
 

However, if your wife is talking about “ thugs” it seems she has her eye out. 

[Batya33]

I don't like how she is expressing herself to you and on the other hand I think you can change your behaviors as far as taking more initiative and being more timely and reliable.  

[Lambert]

Well, the thing is you can only fix what she also wants to fix. 

I agree with you, you need to be strong and if she wants to leave its for good.  

I agree with the person that said she might have met someone else. not that she wasn't unhappy on her own, first and then saw what she thinks is more in line with what she wants for herself. That is motivation to end things. 

I think instead of fighting, maybe you can get your thoughts together and sit down to talk through what a trial separation looks like...

Maybe showing strength, planning and the confidence to not put up with her being this way,  will make her see you in another light. 

Maybe you could start taking better care of your needs and focus more on yourself.  Kind of show her,  you might not be a thug, but you're not a doormat. You can survive without her, be a great dad and her days of a stay at home mom are about to become single mom that needs a job.

It's great she's all high and mighty but HGTV jobs are hard to get. Thugs don't make great partners and there are lots of sexy women in the world... If she doesn't appreciate what she has, show her what is like to not have it....

 

[Wiseman2]

Being a passenger in this marriage is a huge turn-off.

[maritalbliss86]

13 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Being a passenger in this marriage is a huge turn-off.

I've seen marriages like this, it does get exhausting for the wife, especially if there are already kids.  Eventually that exhaustion may turn into being turned off!  So if you can fix this, become more of a leader and decision maker, you may save your entire marriage.

Ignore her insults when you make a decision.  Yes, it's awful she's doing that, very unproductive if she wants you to take charge more, BUT the only way you'll get to take charge is if you push past her criticisms and put-downs and just do it anyway.

 

[Hollyj]

I believe you should be taking more initiative.  Nothing is more annoying than having to parent an adult.   

I think the "thug" thing is strange.  I cannot understand why anyone would be attracted to that, especially the parent  of three children.   

Marriage counseling time!

[lostandhurt]

I will tell you straight.  There is a high probability that there is someone else.  The sudden demands that you become someone else and or start picking you apart are her ways of convincing herself that you were never who she was supposed to be with.  In a way she is trying to prove to herself that marrying you was a mistake all along because YOU never lived up to the man she thought you would be.  This is all total BS but that is how it goes.  Think about it, if you are at fault then it makes her look like the innocent victim.

  It sounds like you are at your wits end and just want it to stop.  Most people want answers and closure which is totally normal. If you want to know what is going on with her you should secretly keep your eyes and ears wide open and your mouth shut.  Loving someone like you love her makes you blind to the obvious so look past the love goggles you have on and see what you see.  Is she secretive with her phone recently?  Does she spend a lot of time online?  Does she have a work out group or gym/personal trainer? Does she have recently single friends?  New neighbor? Has she changed the way she dresses?  Lost weight?   Give it some thought...

  Obviously you are not going to become a thug (what ever that means) perhaps she means a bad boy type but either way that isn't you so it is a non starter and that is why she wants it.  She sets the bar at a place you will never go so she has a good reason to bail.

 As far as helping around the house, being more romantic, date nights and all that nuts and bolts marriage stuff goes I believe in this case you could become Mr. wonderful husband and she would still find something wrong.

  I certainly hope I am wrong but there is some outside force at work here and she likes it.  I am guessing you both are in your mid thirties so starting over if it comes to that won't be as hard as you think.  The children will be okay like so many children before them with divorced parents but I can tell you that staying together while they witness your wife looking down on you will not be the kind of imprint you want them to carry away from their childhood on how a marriage should be.

Keep posting, it will help writing it down

  Lost

   

[tattoobunnie]

9 hours ago, WhereDoWeGoFromHe said:

College sweethearts and we've been together for 13 years, married for 9, with three kids all under 10. Love her with my soul and treat her like she is the Sun. But we've got really hard times lately. She has a very strong personality and likes to get things done. She prides herself on being on top of things and she really is amazing at that. But unfortunately in her eyes I keep coming up short in a lot of areas. I may not handle things in a timely manner, I don't take the lead a lot when it comes to our home stuff. BUT, I always come through with execution when it's needed most. Im ok with her being the architect and me the laborer. But I can understand how she wants to roles to be reversed sometimes. But if I do or plan something that is not done exactly the way she would do it, it's labeled as inefficient, wrong and dumb.

 

 

This is me and my hubs to a T. Even married for 9 years. Known eachother since our teens. And two kids under 9.  And same dynamic, except I work full-time, and with the pandemic, works part-time.  But the voice thing? Thug? I don't get her point.  I think she's daydreaming about some dumb actor or movie life. Cuz you know what, you can be the most dynamic planner, charismatic, and the biggest cheater, womanizer on the planet.  This is the definitely a case of you both need marriage therapy!

And in the meantime, I don't care how little you feel or that you might or will be judge, hire a darn babysitter, and make dinner reservations, and buy her flowers once a month.  Buy tickets and make rsvp to museums. Plan a hike, and and pack snacks.  I don't care if she makes snide remarks or tries to control it, do iTTTTTTTTT.  And over time, it makes since.

When you don't plan anything, it screams you take her for granted. That she is not to be celebrated. That she does not have an equal partner.  Don't wait. Don't just do nothing.  I mean, what state are you in? Look up places to hike. To go to. Join FB groups for the town, as a dad, and look up stuff. And send her calendar invites.  Good luck. Even if you manage just one thing a month, your relationship dynamic will change 100%

[lizrr]

Maybe she feels like shes missing out because its been a while since youve done anything together. Find some fun things to do create memories. Enjoy some quality time with your spouse. Also she might need you to do some of the house work sometimes with out her asking with out it taking hours to do.

[catfeeder]

On 1/19/2021 at 11:33 AM, lostandhurt said:

The children will be okay like so many children before them with divorced parents but I can tell you that staying together while they witness your wife looking down on you will not be the kind of imprint you want them to carry away from their childhood on how a marriage should be.

This. ^^^ I'd seek legal advice to learn your options and the best steps to take for each option. From there, you can make choices and operate on real information rather than emotion alone.

Not every couple who separates ends up divorcing, so you don't need to head straight to the D-word. You can tell wife that you're offering her the opportunity to go find an apartment and live whatever she feels she's missing out on. 

Covid is no reason to stay in the same household. Rents have been lowered to attract needed tenants, and there's no reason why she can't work to pay her own rent.

[Deedp]

Try marriage counseling and hopefully that might help. Don't stay in a unhappy relationship for the sake of your children. They see, hear, and feel what's going on and that might cause more damage than good. It takes two willing people to make a relationship work, if you find yourself doing it alone it might be time to move on. GL

[gamon]

I can't help but wonder if she's got a particular guy in mind who has the talk and does the walk that she's not getting from you. Either way she's falling out of love with you and there isn't a heck of a lot you can do except try to change your behavior and morph yourself into something she finds more palatable but that's going to be a lot of work and it probably won't change anything in the long run because let's face it, we are who we are and we don't change all that much after we reach adulthood.

About the only chance you might have is long term marriage counseling to try to explore and fix the underlying issues if they're even salvageable. Sometimes people just want out. You might want to prepare yourself for the endgame which could very well be a life without her.

 

 

[Cherylyn]

Would she agree to seeking professional marriage counseling or a psychologist? 

[LootieTootie]

She might be just going through this FOMO phase a lot of middle-aged women go through. I would ask if she is willing to go marriage counseling or see counseling herself.

My mother in law is exhibiting this midlife FOMO crisis posting pictures of shirtless African American men on her Facebook page. No one ever knew she was attractive to African American men - her husband is not African American and he is clueless as to why she does this. Any way her new type she says are dark masculine men. She has been saying she wants to go Vegas and just the girls... do lots of clubbing and having men pay for our drinks. I think it's because she had babies too soon and didn't do all this partying when she was young. Any way I digress...

Just a theory but not far fetch, she might be getting a lot of attention online from men (if she is sexy as you say) and someone is winning her over with their bad boy persona. I would speculate that is where this "I want you to be a thug" sentiment is coming from because when you're young and naive (sadly your wife is just naive but mental age has shrunk due to FOMO) she wants that bad boy because they ooze testerones. They are looked at by young-minded and naive females as alphas. If you are the guy that pretty much lets her do whatever she wants, something tells me she is looking for an "alpha"... the only thing is that she will learn the hard way like many of us who feel for an "alpha" ... these guys wear these hypermasculine masks but underneath it all, they're just weak sauces. 

 

[maritalbliss86]

8 hours ago, LootieTootie said:

My mother in law is exhibiting this midlife FOMO crisis posting pictures of shirtless African American men on her Facebook page. No one ever knew she was attractive to African American men - her husband is not African American and he is clueless as to why she does this. Any way her new type she says are dark masculine men. She has been saying she wants to go Vegas and just the girls... do lots of clubbing and having men pay for our drinks. I think it's because she had babies too soon and didn't do all this partying when she was young. Any way I digress...

 

Yes, I've seen things like this.  It sounds insane, but I'm afraid it's a real thing. 

And I think Lootie could be right that it's possibly connected to having babies early, but I've seen this (more) with women who decided to get married at or after 35 (and then go this way in their 40's or 50's).  I'm not sure it's a cookie cutter outline... statistically it seems to affect women differently.

I think she's right to call it a, "midlife crisis," because it is in a way, from what I can tell.

Either way, for the OP, talking to a lawyer and figuring out your best options would be good.

[LootieTootie]

12 hours ago, maritalbliss86 said:

Yes, I've seen things like this.  It sounds insane, but I'm afraid it's a real thing. 

And I think Lootie could be right that it's possibly connected to having babies early, but I've seen this (more) with women who decided to get married at or after 35 (and then go this way in their 40's or 50's).  I'm not sure it's a cookie cutter outline... statistically it seems to affect women differently.

I think she's right to call it a, "midlife crisis," because it is in a way, from what I can tell.

Either way, for the OP, talking to a lawyer and figuring out your best options would be good.

I think social media exacerbate some of these midlife crisis in middle-aged women. They see so and so's Facebook pages, having fun and living it up, and they want to capture that too because they don't want to miss out. 

I think it's fine as Long as you're not hurting anyone. 

 

[Jibralta]

8 hours ago, LootieTootie said:

I think social media exacerbate some of these midlife crisis in middle-aged women.

I think social media exacerbates ego crisis and FOMO in general. 

[Wiseman2]

You really have only 2 options. Marital therapy or divorce.

She has mentioned that your lassitude upsets her. So now you're fighting and that same inertia has her almost walking out the door.

[Mel11]

If I were you, I would suggest a legal marital agreement. A post nump. This way of she pulls the trigger on a divorce it will save you both years of financial and emotion ruin and the kids from going through a custody battle. Other option is an open marriage or marriage counseling.