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Mel11

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  1. I agree with Cherylyn, she gives great insight. This thing with lying by omission is to me even more deceptive than a bold faced lie. I think the fact he lied to you is just so disrespectful. Then wanted you to call his bluff only to find out he was lying. Kind of calculating and crappy. You deserve better than that. It's hard when you love someone and have lived together for 3 years to have to deal with this type of thing. Who knows why people sabotage their relationships instead of investing in them. It stinks. I wasted 9 years waiting for the big moment for trust to be rebuilt after lies of omission. It doesn't get better. Once a deceiver and liar, always that way as it's ingrained.
  2. You are better than that and do deserve more and I love that you are resolved in your decision to do what is best for you and your son. If you have no had the support of him as a co-parent and taking care of him alone than you are doing what is best for your son by forging ahead for a more stable life with support. I'm proud of you for having the strength to respect yourself, and do what is in the best interest of your son. He is young enough where he will form strong bonds surrounded by love and support. Support you need to accomplish your goals and financial obligations. It is not the ideal situation or one you planned, but you are handling it in a very educated and wise way so that you and your son can thrive. I wish you the best and appreciate your kindness.
  3. If he gave you his phone, I think he wanted you to find out. Why he lied and hurt you like this is so wrong. Why not just be forthright instead if deceiving you, knowing there was a probability you would learn the truth. Was he just looking for a social outlet and thought it would be ok to explore if he kept the conversations platonic? I just don't like the fact he outright lied to you, Without honest and trust which are the building blocks and foundation of a relationship, it can be hard to forgive but not impossible. Ask him why he did it first of all, and then why he lied knowing you would find out if he gave you his phone. I am sorry you are going through this.
  4. How is teasing you and tormenting you sexually an intimate and loving experience? This sounds like a very cruel way to manipulate and control you and make you feel excited about sex and then discarding you for a humorous thrill. I have no idea what kind of sick thrill she get's out of this, but clearly it is not normal or fair to you. This sounds a bit deranged to me and no one deserves that.
  5. first of all, it is egregious that anyone would say such a thing as to take your own life. This is psychological abuse. You trusted her enough to share things with her, and your intention was for support, not to have it thrown back at you. I would say to her, I don't look back, I am not going that way! She is clearly abusive and this punishment, shaming and lack of respect is not something anyone deserves. You need to remove this person from your life fo your own mental health end emotional safety.
  6. This is as good as it is going to get I'm afraid. You are like I was. Hanging on to the closeness, and the deep passion you once had and putting up with some much crap just holding out hope that good stuff will resurface. But there are major red flags here that are so hurtful to you. The cheating alone not only puts your health at risk but your heart. All these absences while you are stressing out increases your cortisol levels and ages you and can be a risk factor to your health. Don't you want to share your time with someone that will love you so much that they would not want to leave your side? Someone that when you walk into a room, runs up to you as if you are the only one there? That it would never cross your mind he would cheat on you because he loves you so much and wants you to be the one he is holding hands with when he leaves this earth. Don't settle for this another day. He is just abusive in my opinion, and sadly your self worth being discarded and devalued and cheated on is not in the best place right now. Your are deserving of much better than this. I know you love him from what you are sharing, but love should not hurt or be one sided. Trust me, I know. Be good to yourself and focus on yourself and meeting new people during this "break" or whatever he is calling it these days. Try not to think and ruminate about the good things, and journal all that you feel. It helps. Don't lose our dignity stroking his fragile ego another day. Honestly, if he needs to play with all these other guys, he is Cleary not able or willing to commit. You being his supply on stand by is only hurting you. Life is too short. Please, please know I have been there and in the thick of it now. Each day does get better and some days are harder than others. Rejection by the one we love and thought loved us is very hard and painful. So hard, that we will take crumbs. Read baggage reclaim site. It will help you understand his commitment issues and why he behaves the way he does and may give you support. Wish you luck.
  7. I am sorry to go off topic here, but how much can one handle? My heart goes out to you with a newborn and I am wondering if you have experienced post partum depression on top of all of this. A c-section is also not a cake walk. I have had both PPD and a C-sections and thank my doctor to this day for giving me that little pill shortly after as there were way too many hormones going haywire. I am not saying your situation is hormonal, but I am genuinely concerned for you based on all the factors here. You are well educated and are the expert of your own body, but I just wanted to put that out here. My gosh, this is a tough one. It sounds like your husband did the honorable thing, but I am wondering if he is also overwhelmed with the responsibility of having a newborn, the tremendous financial responsibility on him, and thinks by sending you and the baby off for a while it will ease that. And, the fact he does not know how to define "love", how can he know if he is or is not "in love"? The culture my ex is from that do not say I love you either. One is just suppose to know that based on their actions. I suppose in my culture here in the US and maybe yours, our media displays these words more in cinematic format and more openly than other countries. We hear this in our homes and at our churches and even people say it in passing as friends. In fact, we over use that term here on so many levels. "I love you bro", I love you man", "good night buddy, love you". Maybe Japan is one of the countries that does not say it. You say you don't believes he loves you. This is a tough one for me, because exactly what is love? I think it was love that he cared enough about you and your son, to do the right thing by all of you. Being "in love" is much different. You can be in love on your wedding day, and five years later out of love, and a decade later madly in love. I just don't think now is the time to pull the trigger on the marriage even given all the circumstances involved. Is it not possible for him to join you and the baby in Australia as "partners", where you try to detach from all this marital/divorce discussion and get the support you both need from family? Marriage has ebbs and flows and no doubt a newborn adds a ton of pressure to any marriage, let alone the dynamics of yours. Plus the pandemic. Even given the circumstances surrounding all of this, I think your main concern is where it should be. On your family. The Three of you. A family. My thoughts are this. Is there any possibility that you could find an intern in the childhood development masters program that could come and assist you with the baby? Just for a few hours while he is napping so you and your husband can do something stress free like take a walk together, or grab a coffee? Not discuss this major decision for a small period of time but just to reconnect. He may open up and you might find he is very overwhelmed by having a newborn. Woman tend to handle being a new parent much differently than men do. Sometime these students don't charge and do it for credit hours. Even the nursing program at the university has studies in neonatal and may have options. I am just thinking how to get you both support without having to leave the Country. Life will not be realistic for him. He will not have the same responsibilities as you do. Yes, you will have support from family, but you really all should be close for the sake of your son's development. Married or not. I know my angle is much different here, but I am telling you from a 15 year marriage with my ex husband, that we both fell in and out of love along the way. Most specifically, at the time we had children and after we had children. In fact when we were in marriage counseling, both doctors stated that this is the time when most couples feel a shift in their love for the other as all the attention is on the child and the financial pressures and stressors. Not a lot of room there for romance and love. Having a baby is a lot of stress, and add to that all of your unique components it has got to be overwhelming. The one thing I will say helped my marriage a lot was Mom's groups with other educated ladies with newborns. Then I would make a friend, and her husband would be in the same field as my husband and the next thing we knew we had a support system of friends going though the same stressors. In fact, I joined a ladies church group and met my doctors wife there who ended up best of friends with my ex husband. We vacationed together with kids, and would go through their developmental stages together. Having their support, advice, and ours to them, plus the kids having companions, was the best thing ever. At one point I told this friend I wanted a divorce, and she handed me a book to read, and suggested we join them on a 10 day cruise. It did not save my marriage, but we had another five good years together based on that support system, and of course the love we cultivated together. You both can get the support you need, and if there is no rush to get a divorce, do you think you could talk to him about just taking it one step at a time? Perhaps focusing the first thing on getting a local community support system. They say it takes a village to raise a child and that is so true. Getting that in place may change things and even with Covid, there may be a small group that adheres to the rules. Your husband needs it as he I am sure is feeling the pressure of your feelings towards him and how dramatically both your lives have changed unexpectedly. He did not have to marry you. He chose to. Whether he did it as the right thing to do, or because he loved you will remain to be revealed in time. This pandemic is just brutal, and I am wondering if your loans can be deferred because of Covid and the fact you have a newborn. I am just thinking of all options as I don't want to give you false hope, but I think it is unfair for him to discuss divorce at this time and eschew his responsibilities toward your son with this notion he does not love you. Whether he does or not, he has a family now. If it can't work for the best interest of. all, after you seek out community support (University Nurse nanny, church groups, Mommy and me clubs), then talk about the five year master plan. Right now, I think the goal should be a season of trying to cultivate friendships with other married couples with newborns, and maybe get some shared intel on how they are managing. Your husband might find a friend going through a similar situation that may be of support to him. If my ideas are way off base. I am sorry. If it is necessary to divorce at some point it is best to do it at a time when the child is very young and not accustomed to a household with all parties. But it is best if you stay as close as possible location wise as a baby needs both parents so long as they are healthy and able to co-parent. I hope this helps.
  8. This is just so disrespectful to you. Block back and look ahead. Rejection hurts but how about you reject his behavior. Youre worth more and you deserve more.
  9. I am not going to judge you on the fact you don't know which one to choose. Because there is a good chance you could lose both. Maybe the one you feel attracted to does not have the same interest in you, or the same beliefs and values as you. The main point is that is sounds to me like you have had done all that you could even with counseling, to cultivate certain attractions for this girlfriend that it is simply not coming to you naturally. It sounds like you have a solid friendship with your current girlfriend, and don't want to lose that, but the attraction and sexual chemistry is not there, and that is something that feels important to you. Your decision should not be based on the woman that you are attracted to. It should be base upon the question, is this who you want to be holding your hand and grow old with? Is she your ride or die? Physical attraction and sexual compatibility are very important in a relationship. If you are having issues with that now, who is to say that down the road that you might be tempted to cheat with someone that you are attracted to and the sex much better? Would that be fair to her? I think you are maybe avoiding the part of being alone and it's making you uncomfortable. Maybe you should take some time alone, or if on a break, and want to see other people, please be forthright with her. Don't take a break just to see how things go with someone else. I've been on the receiving end of "breaks" where he went to see what else was a better fit for him, and I was the fall back girl. Please don't do that to her. And don't settle for less than all you want and need in a relationship. It seems to me you are because the idea of losing the friendship and being alone is unfamiliar territory. Good luck.
  10. I'm confused why you isolated from each other for months. Location/Country.
  11. Thanks Cherylyn. I am feeling less guilty and the fact he confirmed something terrible to me during that brief exchange really felt I was warranted to say that. He wished me the unspeakable worst thing you can say to anyone, and that's when I blurted it out that I wish I never met him and that he was a horrible man. I just cannot wrap my mind around the fact I thought this man cared for me but at the end of the day he wanted money from me and his future is not going to look so bright. I did everything I could and he was absolutely cruel to me. The only person in his life that had his back and gave him a car and tens of thousands of dollars for him and his family and all I was told that I never did "nothing"for him. It was never enough.. But he is so consumed with rescuing his lazy unemployed grifting grown ass brother and has more loyalty to him and this million dollar pipe dream with zero capital than he ever did me. . They have failed at every venture within two years that they started because they do not listen to women that were their partners, that had the fiscal responsibility to help them. I was simply put in place for the money and the sad fact here was not there during my medical crisis. He always rented a room somewhere else during the years we were together, to run to every time there was a problem. This goes to show he was not committed and really just took gross advantage of the fact I loved him dearly, had a beautiful home to live in with me rent free with no contributions financially, as I have the means for us to have a good life and would have shared it all with him. I just could not marry him as he never came through for me during the hard times. My former husband is here now trying to keep my spirits up. Nothing romantic but cares me for me a great deal more than this jerk does. I am grateful as I have been scared at night and the things my ex said really frightened me. So my ex husband is here, not for sexual or anything like that, but as my life long friend and companion. For every time I repeat what was told to me, he listens with an open heart, he speaks to me logically and matter of fact, and said no matter what problems we ever had in our marriage, or raising kids, or our nasty divorce would he ever say I was any of the things this man has stated. He said the jerk resented me because I would not help him financially and that I had two choices. One, I would have had to marry him, lose everything I had and do everything he said, or two, run for the hills and that I dodged a very big bullet. I m going to be ok. I'm looking to rebuild my life and my ex husband is on board and said he will do whatever it takes to support me through this time. That man loves me and is my friend and we both regret the divorce but have a great friendship now and for that I am grateful. I just have been removing all of the furniture my ex boyfriend encouraged me to buy as he seemed to dictate everything even changing my decor. So today I will be putting things to good will and donating things that reminded me of him. It feels good and I am getting my house in order as I was depressed for a long time and let things go. My ex husband has offered to help me get a summer home, in my name. so I can get out of this town and into the country to heal and enjoy a summer by the lake up north. It's a major decision but one I have wanted to do for a long time that he support me with 100%. He feels I deserve it after helping him break it off with the home wrecker that ruined our marriage. He was my best friend in college, we married and had two kids that are now adults. This was part of the reason my ex boyfriend resented me, as when my ex husband had some difficulty without me in the business that we started two decades ago, I went back these last four years to help him. We did very well together but there was nothing romantic, but I did lend him money that he did pay back. I also bought an investment property that he lives in. My ex boyfriend was so mad I would not do the same for him. The difference was my ex husband would never use me for money and not pay me back and was by my side when I was sick and at the hospital. We were best friends for years and he does not drink, use drugs but does have this thing for other women. Never ever was he not forthright with me about this, but then a home wrecker like one on this forum, came in during a fragile time in our marriage and it destroyed everything. After they broke up, he bought me a very very nice vehicle for my safety and has told me while I worked for him these past four years that anything I wanted, to just buy it. Nothing expected in return as I am the mother of his kids. I cannot tell you how grateful I am for his friendship and that he is willing to move in a few days a week to get me through this, He has had not once made an inappropriate gesture towards me but we will watch Netflix, order in, and he holds me when I cry and tell him everything Ive been through. My ex was friendly with him and we would do holidays together, but my ex was concerned that this guy would not only ask me for money but him too. My EH (ex husband) was optimistic and said give me a business plan, and have my Ex wife run things financially and you will not fail. She's educated and had she not come back to help me with my business, it would have failed. She's who you meed to listen to. He didn't like that and said it would just be a loan. My ex told him he couldn't do that. That if I was not am equal partner he would not support that. That I am to be respected for my skill set and as a woman and that he was lucky to have me quirks and all. That I loved him more than I ever did him, but he can't help if I was not treated as an equal. The thing is my EH and I can talk about anything, His crummy dating life, his business, the kids, almost everything and my ex boyfriend of 9 years wouldn't even tell me how his day was. He said he was not a talking man and to call my ex if I wanted someone to entertain my stupid conversations. He was secretive whereas my ex husband never really kept secrets and had it not been for the problems in our marriage and another woman determined to see to it our lives were destroyed, and he was a big part of that, I do believe had I not pulled the trigger we would still be married. In fact, he has asked me to remarry, and my ex boyfriend encouraged that and said that if it was a money arrangement, to just do it. That we could make bank off of it. Who says these things? If you love the woman you are with why would you want them to remarry their ex for money? Both of our parents have been rooting for us to get back together for years. But, I love our friendship too much and he is on the high end of the autism scale (brilliant and high functioning) which was always a struggle for me in social situations. I do love him no doubt. The fact he is laying in. my bed now so I didn't have to be alone and scared and willing to be of whatever support I need makes me feel so grateful. I don't want a rebound or anything like that, but it feels good to have my best friend here picking up the pieces of my broken heart and redirecting me to better days ahead. Today he is letting me use his truck to take things to storage and said he could stay as long as I need to feel safe means the world to me. My daughter is thrilled as she loves our banter and laughter and that we digress into our old married roles where there is mutual respect. He is highly respectful of women and especially me for helping him save his business after the divorce almost destroyed it. I rebuilt it and we have had the best four years working together but it made my ex boyfriend restentful as I helped him financially for the best interest of all, but would not give him and his brother the same amount of money. I would have if he had respected my opinions and advice but in his world the man leads and the woman obeys. My ex husband is not taking advantage of me at all and really just wants me to feel safe and secure. He said if I chose to go back to this clown, to plan on being a doormat and at that point, the guy would be thrilled but that I would in fact lose everything. Not just y dignity but the funds I have saved for years trying to make a good life and retire early. I thought it would have been with him and for our dreams, no this grifting brother. What sucks is these last four years I worked so hard, those funds were saved to retire with him doing the things we wanted together. I had no idea he was building future plans with him and even signed a contract with no discussion with me. They will fail as they are both living on a pipe dream and it's a business that has failed and never took off with previous owners. I hate that I spent thousands of nights alone while he has worked in this bar, and me waiting at home to hear he had such a bad night and why I wouldn't ' do anything to get him out of that situation when I had the means to do so. But when I would check social media, he would be laughing, and having the time of his life there. The big shot. On one particular night before he went to work, I ironed he suit coat jacket, and brushed his hair. He is incredibly handsome. Something in my gut told me something was wrong. So I took a drive by the place he works and right there on the sidewalk he was kissing another woman. Red flag number 86 I ignored. I followed the woman in my car and introduced myself and asked if we might go for a drink. She was very sweet, an ARNP here on a conference. We sat down and she told me that he had been buying her drinks, and dinner and wanted to meet up with her the following day for. breakfast. She said "please tell me he is not your husband". I told her he lived with me and we had been together for two years at that time. She was horrified and felt so bad for me and was a real girls girl. We went to dinner the following night and she let me listen to the voicemails he left her and said she wanted nothing to do with him as she had been cheated on and was disgusted he did that to me. We became fast friends and kept in touch for a while. I confronted my ex about this and he said it was nothing more than a kiss, and had I treated him better he would have never done that. That it was disgusting I would have befriended her and how sick both her and I were. He moved out right after that, and then professed his undying love for me, so I took him back like a fool but can only imagine how many times he did this to me and why I put up with it is because I was so vulnerable and in love with him and truly believed has I just been "good" or better than he would not have behaved that way. He was always looking for a handout and keeping his options open for a woman of means. Sadly, I believed him and he let me put life360 on his phone and check his phone to prove he would not do that again. I am certain he did as he spent long shifts at night at the bar and went to his rented room more times than I can count for some minor thing I had done to upset him. Then I would run to him and apologize and then the honey moon phase would continue. There was no trust at all on either end. Without trust there is nothing. You can have great attraction, things in common, and great sex , but if the trust isnt there forget it. This woman did confront him in front of me and said that she felt scammed as she had met me, and said I was a lovely woman he was lucky to have me and that leading other woman on, to hurt not only me ,but to deceive them was not right and unfair and if he was not happy in his relationship to end things, not use women to feed his ego. The confusing part to me is that he was always laboring around the yard, always cooking, doing things for me, and we would have the best of times but its was always on the vacations I paid for not at home. I began to drink in excess last year which did not help matters. Lonely and with anxiety it became a crutch. He does not drink and was disgusted by this. So 5 months ago, I just stopped. Seeing the damage I was doing to myself body, mind and spirit, I just stopped by the Grace of God. Not once did he ever say he was proud of me, just that I should have never started. But I was lonely and anxious and it seemed to take that edge off. It is something I am well aware played a factor in things, but the point is I stopped and realized why I had done it. I was miserable, unhappy and wanted a vice from the isolation and loneliness. Now, I see things much more clearly and regret ever turning to that to escape my pain. God removed those cravings as did a lot of prayer and support from friends at AA. He felt neglected and disrespected that I was drinking and I do understand the part I played. Sitting home alone after work alone with no one home until 2am I found some sick comfort in relaxing with wine. But after I quit 5 months ago, it was like things went from bad to worse and more pressure applied for money. I take full responsibility and this is not excuse but he was my trigger and I let myself go downhill so badly. I cannot risk my sobriety and never drank like that in my life and have no intention of playing with fire again. I was told I was a scumbag, been spit on, unfit (I'm 125 pods and 5'5), had no brain and that no one would ever want me the way I am. I believed these things. So I drank to numb the pain until I didn't and now have to accept the things that happened, my role in how I handled and tolerated it and move on. Thank you for your support and listening to my experience. I am grateful.
  12. He came to pick up his belongings out front. Just some important paper work. Wasn't even going to say hi. I went out and asked why he wouldn't even say hi. He says he's been very sick and that everything was all in my head. I didn't hold back and I feel upset with myself. I told him I wish that I had never met him and that he was a horrible man. With that I locked the door and that was the last I'll see or ear from him. It wasn't necessary but I have been upset for days and that is how I feel. Now I feel guilty for acting that way.
  13. Can you find the tinder pic? Send a snap via text and ask, Is there something you want to tell me?
  14. No means no and he clearly violated you. I agree with the other's in that you should seek the support of a therapist or others in similar situations. It does not matter if you were his girlfriend or wife, you were not his object to use for his own gratification and it has left you traumatized. I, too, don't think there is any legal recourse that you can take at this point, but getting the mutual support of others that have had the same experience will give you the voice that was disregarded as you tried to protect yourself. I am so sorry this happened to you and it makes me sick anyone would do this to another human being. You did nothing wrong and he did. I hope you take to someone about this that specializes in this or has been through it. It may help you to heal and deal with the trauma you have felt as a result of this happening to you. He should not have that power of you or your future affections as you deserve better than this. You deserve to heal and live a good and healthy sex life without the feelings you have because of this despicable human being. I am so sorry this happened to you.
  15. Change. I miss the person I thought he was. The person he portrayed himself to be in the beginning. The fake dreams, the nice things that I took hook, line and sinker. The person I reduced myself to thinking I should have been to appease the cultural differences. If I could have just been better, more submissive. obedient, and not spoken, took all the blame with a smile. But I could not do it. And when it is drilled into your head that you are no good, unlovable, nothing and that no one would want you, it is hard not to believe it when you have been beat down and beat down by the person you loved with you all your heart. "Just be good and everything will be ok". So I tried to be "good". I was spoken to but could not speak. If it was with a calm voice, I was still ridiculed for the content and it could have been as simple as "how was your day"? He would repeat it back " a day is a day, why these stupid questions, are you the police?" This is not the man I fell in love with but who he evolved into. I look at pictures from four years ago and I looked beautiful. There was light in my eyes, and I am not an unattractive person. Now, I look in the mirror and I see nothing but a aged woman with her lips in a permanent frown with nothing in my eyes. All of it causes me great anxiety. I have no clue how I got to this point and why I tolerated so much. I know I cannot look back but it is terrifying to look forward as I have no idea who I am anymore. I feel like the shell of the woman I once was. It is hard to sleep and it is hard to focus on much of anything. So therein is where my anxiety lies. I do not know where the highly confident woman I once was is, or how he heck to get her back. Or why he would ever want to dim my spirit and make me feel as if I was less than and unwanted by anyone when I gave so much of myself to him and was loyal and honest. Not perfect, but I respected him even when he did not deserve my respect as in his eyes I was simply "No Good".
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