New Roommate's Mood Swings

[LaHermes]

Never judge the book by the cover R.

 

"She came across as sound and rather mature,"

[SooSad33]

d I went to the bathroom for 5 minutes. She turned the TV off on the basis of the fact she had to study. Fine, I didn't say anything. The TV is in a common area and she spent all day there, but OK.

- turn it back on IF you want to watch it. - your choice.

 

he went on holidays and came back. I greeted her and said "Hi, welcome back, how was your break". She just responded: "Yeah OK". I noticed she only gives short answers,

- No biggy, then keep to yourself? - possibly over-thinking too much?

You are 'roomates'.. not partners.

 

Then comes the issue of where she walks in and never says "Hi" to anyone. If you greet her, she either 1. won't respond or 2. be very dry. No smile, nothing

- Again.. just leave her be... she does not have to 'come in all happy & cheery'. she doesnt owe anyone anything..

 

 

Then today, again, no greeting and she kept slamming doors left right and center. She also invited her boyfriend over, when we are undergoing another lockdown and cases are rising.

- Yeah- in another 'mood,' I guess.

 

I'm bending over and backwards to be accommodating (e.g.: leaving the living room at 7pm even when I want to relax to give her space to study, wake up before her to give her time alone in the morning, exit the common area around lunch break to give her some breathing space and even accept guests during a pandemic). Yet, she can't be bothered to show us an ounce of respect by at least greeting us.

- Then stop bending over backwards, for her. Carry on your own.. Other than being courteous re: the bathroom times, expect not much else.

 

She also advised that she moved 6 times in the last 2 years

- Okay, then you know she won't be there forever.

 

 

 

I suggest to maybe consider some 'discussion' if necessary regarding some 'house rules' to try & have things run smoother in the future?

Have a talk with her about YOUR concerns on the pandemic & risks.. - can she maybe goto his place more?

 

 

I've been living in this apartment & the third tenant for the last 4 years. I keep it tidy by cleaning every Sunday and regularly during the week, throwing the bins, not inviting people over, paying the bills, bringing the mail, never watch TV etc...the only inconvenience is the WFH as I only have the kitchen as work station.

- That's fine.. but IMO, this is on YOU, unless you want to change this.

which is trying to 'lessen' stressors on you ( Other than the silly 'Hi expectations).

 

IF you want others to help you out in area's around there.. OR how you have a routine, you need to inform them.

No one can read minds.. or know of this unless YOU inform them of it.

[reinventmyself]

In the meantime, if she isn't engaging you can try to look at it as a positive. I hear your frusteration over having tried and getting bad results. Just stop trying. What's the point?

You can choose to ignore it, though I do agree, it's obnoxious and toxic to the household. But you also don't have alot of options here.

 

I would also have a summit meeting about the guests. Rules are rules and she's out numbered. You've let her get away with this and instead of standing behind the reasonable boundary that she is technically obligated to, you both just get annoyed and don't say anything about it. Press her enough about the fact that her man shouldn't be coming over, she may decide to leave after all.

 

Look at it this way. The longer she holds you both hostage, the better for her and the longer she might stay. Enforce some decency and I suspect, based on what you've shared she won't want to play nice and will take her toys and leave. It's not like you are asking for anything unreasonable. Asking for courtesy in a living situation like yours is a minimal expectation.

 

She's not your friend and this is business arrangment. Don't make it personal.

[RuedeRivoli]

In the meantime, if she isn't engaging you can try to look at it as a positive. I hear your frusteration over having tried and getting bad results. Just stop trying. What's the point?

You can choose to ignore it, though I do agree, it's obnoxious and toxic to the household. But you also don't have alot of options here.

 

I would also have a summit meeting about the guests. Rules are rules and she's out numbered. You've let her get away with this and instead of standing behind the reasonable boundary that she is technically obligated to, you both just get annoyed and don't say anything about it. Press her enough about the fact that her man shouldn't be coming over, she may decide to leave after all.

 

Look at it this way. The longer she holds you both hostage, the better for her and the longer she might stay. Enforce some decency and I suspect, based on what you've shared she won't want to play nice and will take her toys and leave. It's not like you are asking for anything unreasonable. Asking for courtesy in a living situation like yours is a minimal expectation.

 

She's not your friend and this is business arrangment. Don't make it personal.

 

Yeah, I stopped greeting her or trying to engage. No point. I have far better things to worry about.

 

Currently, the government restrictions allow for one visitor per household at a time, hence the fact I won't enforce the "no guests" rules for now as I don't even have any legal grounds for this. From what I understand, the restrictions are going to be shifted to the next level (meaning the level which bars guests altogether). Once the government enforces the next level of restrictions, I'll set up a meeting with the third tenant and herself. I won't address anyone in particular, but will just say something along the lines: "As the government has tightened restrictions which also imposes a no visitors rules, I understand and would appreciate if we're to adhere to these guidelines. I'm personally not comfortable with having guests over in the current climate".

 

She already spends every single weekend at her boyfriend's apartment (he shares as well), so I don't even want to think about it as she's mixing with people and coming to the apartment and share the common areas. Thankfully, we don't share a bathroom & I always clean the kitchen's surfaces when I clean them.

[1a1a]

You don’t need no visitors in a pandemic to be legally mandated for you and the other housemate to democratically make that the law in your own home. House rules are different to country rules.

[RuedeRivoli]

You don’t need no visitors in a pandemic to be legally mandated for you and the other housemate to democratically make that the law in your own home. House rules are different to country rules.

 

Whilst I would agree on this point, she is paying her rent and under normal circumstances you cannot bar anyone from having people over. If the government tightens the restrictions, then I have proper grounds to enforce a "no visitors" rule. Otherwise, it is quite difficult to present this idea as it's her right to have people over. We all have separate leases, so we all have equal say on this.

 

Additionally, I tried discussing the "no visitors" rule with the third tenant back when we had issues with the previous girl who was inviting people over during the midst of the hard lockdown. He said he didn't want to get involved and didn't want to speak up. If I don't have his support with this one as well, it will be me against her basically. At least, if I have some legal ground, I also have other recourses other than just relying on the third tenant's willingness to stand his ground.

 

I stopped greeting her and will limit how accommodating I have become. It is clearly a one-way street in this case. She might or might not wonder what she's done for me to suddenly stop greeting her/try to engage, but as it stands I need to detach myself from this. I've been living in this apartment for 4 years, so it's not like she has any legitimacy to go and complain. She's just a stranger, ultimately.

 

I will still be polite and keep to myself. I've been far too accommodating and it's clearly a one-way street as she only sees this as a financial partnership, nothing more nothing less.

[Tinydance]

Well, the way I see it is that technically she's not exactly doing anything wrong, but she's just not friendly/anti social. If she pays all rent and bills on time and keeps the house clean, doesn't make noise at night, technically you can't really pin her on anything. To ask someone to move out you would probably need to have actual good reasons. The fact that she's just not friendly and doesn't act sweet and chatty is not exactly grounds to kick her out. She's in a relationship so she is seeing her partner. Here in Australia even during the strictest lockdown where you basically can't go anywhere except supermarket and medical, you could still keep seeing your partner. I guess if she had her boyfriend over every single day, then that's rude. But if she has him over only sometimes, she is allowed to have him. It's important to see your partner, otherwise the relationship might break up. If you had a partner would you actually stop seeing them due to COVID? COVID has been going for seven months. It'll probably continue as well. If someone was going to stop seeing their partner during COVID then they may as well end the relationship for good. In all honesty I think really your only option as you said is to move out yourself. You don't actually have to be friends with your housemates. You just have to co-exist with them and they have to make all required payments and be respectful towards the house and everyone's property.

[Batya33]

How is a roommate in this situation any more than a financial partnership? You wrote that above as if this was a problem. I agree with Tinydance.

[RuedeRivoli]

How is a roommate in this situation any more than a financial partnership? You wrote that above as if this was a problem. I agree with Tinydance.

 

It is a problem, but again, I'm planning on moving out. It is therefore a problem to the extent that I make it a problem. As we're just a financial partnership, there is no point in getting myself frustrated over this.

 

I never said I wanted to have her evicted. I'm asking as to how I should deal with her.

 

We're not in Australia, so the government has a strict no visitor rule within the next level's guidelines. I appreciate she wants to see her partner, but if that's the case, she needs to revert back to living on her own or move in with him. The well-being of her relationship is not my problem, but my health is my problem. I don't know where this guy has been. I'm not bringing anyone over, the third tenant is bringing anyone over, why would she be above the rules simply because she has a boyfriend? If the government has a strict no visitor rules, it applies to all households there's no exception for partners, colleagues or cousins. She can go to his place though.

 

She was living on her own after all and moved in with roommates during a pandemic! She has to deal with whatever restrictions this brings.

[Tinydance]

It is a problem, but again, I'm planning on moving out. It is therefore a problem to the extent that I make it a problem. As we're just a financial partnership, there is no point in getting myself frustrated over this.

 

I never said I wanted to have her evicted. I'm asking as to how I should deal with her.

 

We're not in Australia, so the government has a strict no visitor rule within the next level's guidelines. I appreciate she wants to see her partner, but if that's the case, she needs to revert back to living on her own or move in with him. The well-being of her relationship is not my problem, but my health is my problem. I don't know where this guy has been. I'm not bringing anyone over, the third tenant is bringing anyone over, why would she be above the rules simply because she has a boyfriend? If the government has a strict no visitor rules, it applies to all households there's no exception for partners, colleagues or cousins. She can go to his place though.

 

She was living on her own after all and moved in with roommates during a pandemic! She has to deal with whatever restrictions this brings.

 

Actually because her boyfriend also lives with roomates, it's the same situation over there as it is at your place. So his roommates may say the same thing about her coming there. I feel like you're seeing this from a very different angle because you're single yourself. COVID has been going on since the start of the year. So probably 6-8 months in the majority of the world. If you have a partner you can't just not see them. It's a romantic relationship which requires the relationship to be in person to keep it going. If you actually had a partner then I think you would be seeing them too and you would be in exactly the same situation.

 

Sure, you're not a fan of this roommate or her boyfriend coming over, but the point is she's doing nothing wrong. The restrictions you speak of haven't come in place yet. You also said she has her boyfriend over every Thursday. So she has him over only once a week, that's not much. You and your other housemate CHOSE not to have anyone over. You are allowed to have one visitor but you just prefer not to. That is your choice. And having her boyfriend over is her choice. You are all paying rent and bills and not breaking any laws, so you are entitled to do as you see fit in the house. She doesn't really have to ask your permission to have her boyfriend there because she has equal rights there to you. If you had a partner then you could have them over too. It's a privilege you get when you live somewhere, you can have guests. I understand you don't like this roommate but she wasn't a friend, she's just a stranger that applied for the room. You don't have to be friends with her. Clearly she's not really interested in being friends. Yes it's rude not to greet your housemates but other than that she actually hasn't done anything wrong. I don't see anything even in your post what specifically she's done except she's unfriendly. You can't always get a sweetheart roomate who's gonna be your bestie. Some roommates are only there to split the bills and rent.

[Wiseman2]

Why not talk about overnight guests, since you and the third tenant don't do that?. Agree, it's a financial arrangement between her and the landlord. You don't have to be besties or roomies, like collage kids so don't strive for that.

 

Go about your business and stay out of hers. It doesn't matter if she has a bf and that irks you, if overnight guests are not agreed on, then state so. The third tenant doesn't have to stick his neck out and do any dirty work talking to her if she doesn't bother him.

 

What matters is what house rules there are that you all agree on and what her lease states What does your lease state? Why not reread it and separate your interpersonal annoyances from what is and is not a valid thing to discuss with her?

It is therefore a problem to the extent that I make it a problem. why would she be above the rules simply because she has a boyfriend?

[Tinydance]

I actually just had a look at some of your previous threads. I noticed that you had previously written that you were really bothered by a colleague at work who you thought may have autism and you deemed him to be acting not socially appropriate. You were really annoyed by him and didn't like his behaviours (which didn't actually sound that bad). I apologise if I'm making assumptions but both posts you have here are about how someone is annoying you, not acting appropriately and you're not getting along with them. Are you sure you don't just have very high expectations of how people are "supposed" to act? Because people won't always act to fit your exact standards. You had a problem with that guy at work because he didn't make eye contact and spoke monotonously. You find the roommate unfriendly because she doesn't respond friendly like you want. Maybe if you don't have high standards for people, they won't always disappoint you.

[LaHermes]

Just so Wiseman:

 

"What matters is what house rules there are that you all agree on and what her lease states What does your lease state?"

 

"she kept slamming doors left right and center".

 

I think you are doing your best OP:

 

I'm bending over and backwards to be accommodating (e.g.: leaving the living room at 7pm even when I want to relax to give her space to study, wake up before her to give her time alone in the morning, exit the common area around lunch break to give her some breathing space and even accept guests during a pandemic)

 

Just bear in mind that there are many out there who are not well versed in social graces (as in how to live with others) and I was concerned to read she changed accommodation six times in two years. Wonder what her prior housemates might have to say.

 

All you can do is ignore and hopefully soon find a place of your own.

[Wiseman2]

It may be best to get your own place so you can make your own rules.

had issues with the previous girl

[smackie9]

IMO a person who refuses to follow the rules, and has no respect for others is a narcissist. It's all about her. I agree getting your own place would be the safest option. I hope your other roommate bails out too for their own sake. Best of luck in your search.

[Tinydance]

IMO a person who refuses to follow the rules, and has no respect for others is a narcissist. It's all about her. I agree getting your own place would be the safest option. I hope your other roommate bails out too for their own sake. Best of luck in your search.

 

The rules are actually that you can have one visitor. That's what OP wrote. So the housemate isn't actually breaking any rules.

[Wiseman2]

True. And it's silly to make armchair misdiagnoses like "she's a narcissist". It's almost as bad as "he's autistic". Not everyone who simply annoys you has something out of DSM5.

 

The best recourse is to start looking, talk to the landlord about that and start looking for a replacement for when you move out.

 

Have a meeting about overnight guests. Rereading your lease is # 1. Hers is most likely the same.

The rules are actually that you can have one visitor. That's what OP wrote. So the housemate isn't actually breaking any rules.

[Rose Mosse]

So much headache I lost track, RR. For your sanity, find a little studio even if it's not everything you ever wanted - there will be time to adjust and save also if you want to buy later on. Stay within your budget. It will be so much more peaceful. I understand the idea of having company during a pandemic - believe you me. This year has been no easy stroll. Your health matters too.

 

I don't know how anyone can sleep at night with this kind of stress and feeling so upset. I think the healthiest thing to do is to start charting a path out of the shared accommodation and start making your way independently. A home (to me) should be a place of refuge, a quiet and safe place to think, feel, do things that bring you joy without the constant fear of something going wrong. That level of anxiety is too much for anyone. Hope you find calm and peace soon. When does the lease end or is it month to month?

[LaHermes]

I fully endorse what Rose just said, OP.

 

Start taking practical steps to move.

 

I get the impression your landlord simply doesn't want to know, and your other room mate doesn't want to get involved at all.

 

This woman seems quite uncivilized. When sharing accommodation with others one has to behave in, at the very least,in a considerate manner. Leaving aside the matter of having a guest over (or not) going around slamming doors, and acting in the common room as if she owned the place is hardly considerate.

 

Again this is an object lesson in how vital it is to astutely interview and get references from future sharers of accommodation.

[RuedeRivoli]

Thank you, all.

 

Although she claimed to be "very flexible" during the interview process, she is not at all. I think she has issues departing from her habits, schedules and self-imposed rules.

 

For example, when she moved in, she asked me whether she could do her laundry on weekends. I told her it was no problem since I normally do my laundry on Thursday. Then, comes Thursday - guess who decided to do their laundry all day?

 

Yesterday, she invited her boyfriend (unannounced) and spent the evening in the living room. I didn't go there as I wanted to give them their privacy. She enjoyed her evening. He spent the night at the apartment and this morning I ran into him on my way to the bathroom as he was leaving. I wasn't too happy to see a random male at 6.30am, but OK. As she had her evening yesterday, I decided to stand my grounds and relax as well by watching TV after my business hours (until 8pm) which I never do. I therefore departed from the usual "schedule" she saw me follow which would allow her to have the common area to herself between 7 and 8.30pm. Then here goes again with the door slamming on numerous occasions (I think she was a bit annoyed the usual schedule got messed up). I closed the sitting area window as it was lashing rain and quite cold. She saw me and guess what happened, she went ahead an opened the opposite window. Whether she did it on purpose or wasn't conscious, I'm not sure.

 

Same in the evening. She has to have 1h30 sharp in the living room by herself. She literally works like a living clock which makes me wonder if she's trying to cope with something by being so controlling with herself and everything around her.

 

Don't get me wrong, I like a schedule too but I accommodated my schedule around hers originally and it wasn't great for me either.

 

Something is off. I think she will eventually move out, especially if I stop being overly accommodating. I tried too hard because I was afraid of running into issues with the landlord if she were to move out, but I need to stop living in fear. She moved so many times in the last couple of years, she will probably bounce once she realizes she's not living on her own!

[greendots]

This is my take:

 

Landlord seems to need the money, therefore is willing to take almost anybody on board at the moment as long as they pay. You and the other tenant have been living together for a particular amount of time and so are used to certain habits and whatnot. She's new to your living arrangement, difficult to be around and seemingly unwilling to adapt.

 

I'll also be honest. Whenever I stayed at shared accommodation, I don't remember having to ask for permission to wash my clothes on a specific day or announce that I was going to have a friend over for dinner, let-alone a boyfriend (as long as guests behaved respectfully, of course). You are all adults. Obviously, for gatherings or parties you ask housemates beforehand.

 

I also get that we're in a pandemic and having guests over is not advisable at the moment. So, I'd certainly talk to my housemates about the seriousness of this as none of you want covid entering your home. In fact, I'd have a formal meeting about it. (Though to be honest, if you need to have formal meetings about matters, it's really good that you're trying to find a nicer and more peaceful place to live in.)

 

Send them an e-mail or some form of written invitation. If she's absent, have the meeting anyway and document her absence. Remain cordial when talking about your concerns, but be prepared to make some concessions like being more flexible regarding laundry day. Then, once the meeting has finished document everything discussed on a sheet of paper. It's always good to have everything in writing. You don't want to be liable should rubbish hit the fan.

 

My two cents.

[Tinydance]

I'm sorry but while I understand your frustrations about certain things your roommate is doing, you are actually out of line with a couple of things. You keep talking about the boyfriend thing, it very clearly annoys you and you keep saying he comes "unannounced". I don't think she has to ask you permission to have him there. You don't own the house, all housemates are equal. It would start getting a bit ridiculous if every time any of you three roomates occasionally had a person over, you asked permission. The permission is already given by the fact that as a paying tenant, you are allowed to occasionally have guests. Just because you are single and don't have a partner to invite doesn't mean that she can't. It doesn't sound like your third tenant has issues with her so why is it only you?

 

Also yes, there is politeness like smiling, cheerfully greeting and asking permissions, but these things are extra. You said that you're annoyed that she has some kind of strict routine, but obviously you want to have one too. You were annoyed that she did her laundry on a Thursday, which is the day you want to do it. So you actually want to have your own way of doing specific things too. Above all, it doesn't sound like you've communicated with her at all. If you want something, instead of writing it on a forum just to strangers, why don't you talk to HER? Keep in mind that she doesn't actually have to ask your permission to use house facilities, use the lounge room or have a guest. If you want to establish some kind of roster then you need to discuss this with both your housemates and set some real ground rules. Just hoping to wing it as to who is using what is obviously not working. You can have open communication and ask your housemate, is there an issue or why does she come across as unfriendly? Don't just assume that she's deliberately horrible. She may just be a withdrawn person who is not chatty.

 

She has a boyfriend so he likes her. Obviously some people do get along with her and even want to be in a romantic relationship with her. You haven't really approached her about any of these issues. Before talking to the landlord the first step is to directly discuss everything with the housemate. If you can't actually resolve it, then you go to the landlord.

[RuedeRivoli]

Tinydance,

 

You seem slightly "obsessed" over the fact that she has a boyfriend to the extent where you actually generalize and say "people like her" based on the sole fact she has a boyfriend. Additionally, you are making assumptions without any specific evidence (me being single and presumably jealous of the fact that she has a boyfriend). I never stated my relationship status. There are plenty of people out there who are happy single and aren't necessarily jealous of other people's relationships as they prefer their freedom for whatever reason.

 

Just because you have a boyfriend or girlfriend, it doesn't mean you are a good person and that people like you all around. Plenty of toxic people are in a romantic relationship. It is definitely not a testimony of their overall soundness. I'm not sure where you are getting this assessment from, but it could be they are just on the same energy level. Having a partner doesn't mean anything.

 

As far as her asking permission - this was never my rule or initiative. We don't do this with the third tenant and never did with the previous ones either. She took the initiative to ask permission when I told her and she could do her laundry without having to check in with me each time. To me, we share an apartment, no need to ask permission to do laundry or throw the bins! The reason why I got annoyed about the laundry on a Thursday is because she did ask me about when I normally do mine and I said generally on Thursday. To me her suddenly picking that day a week after we spoke denoted that she wants to have a certain level of control. There is no point in asking me if you're going to disregard. Again, if my laundry is done by Sunday, I don't care when I do it. However, it just irked me that she asked me, I gave her and answer and proceeded to take that specific slot. It's plain odd.

 

I'm not going to dive into the boyfriend and his visits as clearly, someone's relationship is more important than people's health I notice.

[LaHermes]

Rivoli.

 

You remark:

 

"I tried too hard because I was afraid of running into issues with the landlord if she were to move out"

 

I notice this "vibe" running through your posts. Why be afraid of the landlord? This puzzles me somewhat. In your early posts you remarked that the reason this current person was quickly found and all to hastily accepted was because you were being barraged for a full week by daily texts/calls from said landlord to find a third room mate....or else. What was the worst the landlord could do if a third room mate could not be found in short order?

 

She will likely leave, as she has left other accommodation six times in two years. Seems to be a pattern with her.

 

If and when she does, and the need arises to seek a third room mate again, you need to stand your ground with the landlord. You say people cannot be evicted given the current situation, so he can't evict you for wishing to take a few days longer to ensure the next candidate is properly interviewed and background checked.

 

I agree this has nothing to do with whether she has one BF or twenty BFs.

 

What it is about is always (not just in an accommodation rental setting) check everything in-depth first.

[Batya33]

This is my take:

 

Landlord seems to need the money, therefore is willing to take almost anybody on board at the moment as long as they pay. You and the other tenant have been living together for a particular amount of time and so are used to certain habits and whatnot. She's new to your living arrangement, difficult to be around and seemingly unwilling to adapt.

 

I'll also be honest. Whenever I stayed at shared accommodation, I don't remember having to ask for permission to wash my clothes on a specific day or announce that I was going to have a friend over for dinner, let-alone a boyfriend (as long as guests behaved respectfully, of course). You are all adults. Obviously, for gatherings or parties you ask housemates beforehand.

 

I also get that we're in a pandemic and having guests over is not advisable at the moment. So, I'd certainly talk to my housemates about the seriousness of this as none of you want covid entering your home. In fact, I'd have a formal meeting about it. (Though to be honest, if you need to have formal meetings about matters, it's really good that you're trying to find a nicer and more peaceful place to live in.)

 

Send them an e-mail or some form of written invitation. If she's absent, have the meeting anyway and document her absence. Remain cordial when talking about your concerns, but be prepared to make some concessions like being more flexible regarding laundry day. Then, once the meeting has finished document everything discussed on a sheet of paper. It's always good to have everything in writing. You don't want to be liable should rubbish hit the fan.

 

My two cents.

 

I agree with this and especially the in writing part. Maybe a bad analogy but years ago when my son played outside in playgrounds he never wanted to leave (duh). So I set my cellphone alarm to beep at a specific time so I could blame the cellphone instead of dealing with the whole back and forth. "Beep" -oh! time to go, the phone beeped!!" So like here- if in simple language in writing -like a schedule - just point to what's written there -post it on the wall if you have to.

 

I thought it was ironic that you defended your annoyance with her boyfriend by saying that some decide to be single because of the freedom it brings. Of course! But this whole post is about how you don't feel like you are free to do what you want/live how you want in your own home - sounds a lot more restrictive than any healthy romantic relationship I've heard of.

 

I never had a rooomate other than briefly when I was away at college for one semester. It was awful. I shared a room with my sister growing up. We hated it. So I always had a small place to myself until I got married. I also lived with my parents while I was in school -till my late 20s, so there's that.

 

Good luck.