Girlfriend of 4 years recently left me over text without real explination

[Seraphim]

OK I'm with Seraphim on this. This is about her depression. My mother suffers from depression, I have dealt with it for 56 years so I have a lot of experience with this. Going off medication is bad, and she needs to be on it. People who suffer from depression blame the people around them for how they are feeling so they push them away, breakup, disappear, or get into drugs or alcohol to cope. This is what is happening. Sticking a ring on her finger would have given her short term happiness for a few days, and then she would be down at the pits of depression again.

 

People who suffer from mental a mental illness do often go off their medication because they are in a good place and feel they don't need it anymore. So far from the truth. Clinical depression is forever, there is no cure. It has to be regularly managed with a doctor, and maintained for life. Over time medication needs to be adjusted because it doesn't have proper effect anymore. Have seen it many times with my mother. I see it when she's starts to slip, I see it in her behavior. And I see it in your GF. She pushing you out thinking this is the cause of her depression. Seriously, they don't see it, this is how their brain works. So all the talk in the world will not change a thing. She needs her space to figure out what is really going on with herself.

 

Your first mistake is being there for her. This will only make her more comfortable with her decision not to be with you, because she knows she can fall back on you at anytime. You are enabling her behavior when you do this. You will be a her shlep, she will use you. Cut her off, and be firm about it. Tough love my friend is your answer. Make her really feel that she no longer has you in her life. Tip: we desire more what we can't have right? So back off and stop reaching out. She needs to figure this out on her own and see the true reality of what she has done.

 

Absolutely! My father is bipolar and has been on and off non medication compliant for 54 years . My entire lifetime. Thankfully my husband is completely compliant with his mental health treatment and medication and so am I . It is impossible to work it out with people who are noncompliant.

[Rose Mosse]

Take yourself more seriously and by that I mean understand better what you need in a relationship. There should be equal levels of reciprocity or it won't work. There's too much co-dependence and white knight syndrome. You're jumping through all those hoops to try and keep her afloat. Is there a reason you do this or feel the need to do this? Do your previous relationships also have this pattern?

 

Whether it's her depression or it's something else, she's initiated a break up and when someone does this, don't second guess those actions. She's showing you something is not working. Trust that and don't begin to think that you know better due to other issues like mental health or differences in opinion. She doesn't want to continue the relationship so respect that and don't pursue it further. It's healthy and normal to feel like the floor's been pulled from under you or to feel disoriented and upset. That's what break ups do. Give this some time for things to sink in and the dust to settle.

 

Don't deepen any commitment with someone unless you both have similar ideas about the future or understand each other better whether that includes mental health, physical health or your lives in general. I'm very sorry all this has happened. Take a time out to figure things out for yourself and what you need in a relationship.

[JustinPonders]

Dude, for the love of God please don't listen to those telling you to run to her with a ring. It's a 100% guarantee she'll reject you. You'll be left devastated.

The truth is we really don't know what the hell is up with her because the dynamics of your relationship has clearly not been revealed, so it's everybody's guess.

For all we know you could be the problem and you don't even know it. All you can do now that is within your power is to leave her alone and let her figure this out.

Don't text, call or social media her (if this is what you're doing) or any of that stuff. Like ever, until she finally has the courage and respect to call and talk to you like a normal person.

So far the way you've explained it you didn't seem to have done anything wrong so ya, don't give her the time or day. Just continue to do you and that's it.

Yes, I know, IT'S HARD! Believe me, I know. It's more than hard, it's miserable. The truth is the last thing you need now is a problem in your hands that's going to cripple your self esteem further into the future if you sorta force the situation.

You don't want a woman with this kind of baggage in your hands. I'm telling you, your life with her will be a nightmare. Just give her ALL THE TIME she needs and let her come to you. That's it.

Take charge, be a man and suck up the pain because this is life. I'm sorry you're going through this but so did I. Hell, I went through it like I wouldn't want on my worse enemy. You can do it brotha!

[Huggie]

Dude, for the love of God please don't listen to those telling you to run to her with a ring. It's a 100% guarantee she'll reject you. You'll be left devastated.

The truth is we really don't know what the hell is up with her because the dynamics of your relationship has clearly not been revealed, so it's everybody's guess.

For all we know you could be the problem and you don't even know it. All you can do now that is within your power is to leave her alone and let her figure this out.

Don't text, call or social media her (if this is what you're doing) or any of that stuff. Like ever, until she finally has the courage and respect to call and talk to you like a normal person.

So far the way you've explained it you didn't seem to have done anything wrong so ya, don't give her the time or day. Just continue to do you and that's it.

Yes, I know, IT'S HARD! Believe me, I know. It's more than hard, it's miserable. The truth is the last thing you need now is a problem in your hands that's going to cripple your self esteem further into the future if you sorta force the situation.

You don't want a woman with this kind of baggage in your hands. I'm telling you, your life with her will be a nightmare. Just give her ALL THE TIME she needs and let her come to you. That's it.

Take charge, be a man and suck up the pain because this is life. I'm sorry you're going through this but so did I. Hell, I went through it like I wouldn't want on my worse enemy. You can do it brotha!

 

Thanks man I really appreciate the comments. I dont have much to say regarding dynamics of our relationship, she was my first real love and we seemed to get on perfect together. Did at times feel too perfect if thats even a thing but I would never have imagined she'd do something like this. Hence why I took to posting in an online forum im just struggling to understand what I could have possibly done! I've had a good think about my plans today and I think its probably best if I just let her go, like the old saying goes if you love someone let them go. Really have to stand my ground with this, man up and know what I'm worth. She might not appreciate everything I do for her but I'm certain someone out there will.

[MissCanuck]

OP, you mentioned that she has retreated before but never broken up with you until now.

 

Can you clarify what you mean? How frequently did that happen, and what did she do - go quiet for a day? Distant for longer?

[ninjabib]

OP do not ask her to marry you, do not bend over backwards for her.

 

It's unfortunate she has MH issues but you are not responsible for curing her, you can only help and it sounds like she doesn't want to help herself.

 

Her past relationships are nothing to do with you. You've stood by her for years and she's made no improvements to my mind.

 

I think this is where i'd be walking away NOT re-woo'ing her.

[JustinPonders]

Thanks man I really appreciate the comments. I dont have much to say regarding dynamics of our relationship, she was my first real love and we seemed to get on perfect together. Did at times feel too perfect if thats even a thing but I would never have imagined she'd do something like this. Hence why I took to posting in an online forum im just struggling to understand what I could have possibly done! I've had a good think about my plans today and I think its probably best if I just let her go, like the old saying goes if you love someone let them go. Really have to stand my ground with this, man up and know what I'm worth. She might not appreciate everything I do for her but I'm certain someone out there will.

 

Excellent outlook. Again, it'll be tough, but eventually you'll get through it. I did and I was absolute worst case scenario, trust me. Now obviously I don't know you but so far you seem like a cool guy with your head on your shoulders.

I don't see you having trouble finding someone way more compatible. But the faster you're able to let her go and move on, I believe the faster you could perhaps meet your new flame.

My ex just recently broke up with me. This was our 2nd round at it. I was with her 4 years ago. Back then we ended in a disaster, and this 2nd time around was sorta bad too but not as

bad as 4 years ago because I learned a MASSIVE lesson from that experience. What I learned was never, ever chase a woman who has doubt and is not totally sold into you. My ex had doubts and because of which she dumped me, only this time I'm

NOT falling for it and pity myself. Hell no. I'm gonna move on to bigger and better things. You and I deserve all that is good. Life is way too short my friend.

But ya, just suck up the pain; it's gonna hurt for a while, but meanwhile you do you and live your life. Hopefully, soon enough, you'll meet someone that will

knock your socks off. And for those who say "no, don't meet anyone because you're still not over them." Hogwash. do it! Because I can tell you this, your ex is

NOT waiting for you. I bet if the chance presented itself she'll easily go out with someone she believes is more aligned with her desires. Trust me. And so should you. Eff that. And here's the deal,

don't be surprised if she magically has a change of heart and comes running back to you. If this happens, trust me, be extremely cautious. Unless she makes it absolutely, 100% clear that she made

a massive mistake and is willing to do anything in her powers to keep you, I would pass it off as her just testing the waters, which means she'll eventually resort back to her doubts and dump you again. Is this what you want?

I take it no, so ya, just move on brotha. I wish you nothing but the very best in life. You'll be okay brotha. Trust me:)

[Huggie]

OP, you mentioned that she has retreated before but never broken up with you until now.

 

Can you clarify what you mean? How frequently did that happen, and what did she do - go quiet for a day? Distant for longer?

 

Its only happened 3/4 times during our 4 years and it was after she finished her medication. For the past year she's been absolutely fine other than this virus ruining our plans, she was sad yeah and said stuff like maybe its not meant to be, maybe we can never go again, I took that with a pinch of salt and reassured her it'd all work out and we'd still go next year. I then handelled all the admin in order for us to get our money back so she didn't have too.

 

When she was feeling low and retreated she'd basically just stop me seeing her, saying she wouldn't be good company and spent the week with her family just in bits. Her mum was excellent at handelling her when she's like this so I gave her space and eventually she'd emerged and be happy to see me again. During this though she'd still text me once a day or so just to let me know she was okay.

 

I dont mind having to deal with this, it is what it is. I,ve felt my share of depression and low points in my life too one occasion almost drove me to a point of no return. If it wasn't for my best friend calling me at 3 in the morning I might not even be here. Luckily I managed to sort myself out and had the right circle of friends.

[Huggie]

Excellent outlook. Again, it'll be tough, but eventually you'll get through it. I did and I was absolute worst case scenario, trust me. Now obviously I don't know you but so far you seem like a cool guy with your head on your shoulders.

I don't see you having trouble finding someone way more compatible. But the faster you're able to let her go and move on, I believe the faster you could perhaps meet your new flame.

My ex just recently broke up with me. This was our 2nd round at it. I was with her 4 years ago. Back then we ended in a disaster, and this 2nd time around was sorta bad too but not as

bad as 4 years ago because I learned a MASSIVE lesson from that experience. What I learned was never, ever chase a woman who has doubt and is not totally sold into you. My ex had doubts and because of which she dumped me, only this time I'm

NOT falling for it and pity myself. Hell no. I'm gonna move on to bigger and better things. You and I deserve all that is good. Life is way too short my friend.

But ya, just suck up the pain; it's gonna hurt for a while, but meanwhile you do you and live your life. Hopefully, soon enough, you'll meet someone that will

knock your socks off. And for those who say "no, don't meet anyone because you're still not over them." Hogwash. do it! Because I can tell you this, your ex is

NOT waiting for you. I bet if the chance presented itself she'll easily go out with someone she believes is more aligned with her desires. Trust me. And so should you. Eff that. And here's the deal,

don't be surprised if she magically has a change of heart and comes running back to you. If this happens, trust me, be extremely cautious. Unless she makes it absolutely, 100% clear that she made

a massive mistake and is willing to do anything in her powers to keep you, I would pass it off as her just testing the waters, which means she'll eventually resort back to her doubts and dump you again. Is this what you want?

I take it no, so ya, just move on brotha. I wish you nothing but the very best in life. You'll be okay brotha. Trust me:)

 

I'm sorry your going through all that mate, please know that you deserve better too and we both will find someone more appreciative of us and build stronger relationships learning from our mistakes.

 

If she does come crawling back she'd better have a damn good reason for putting me through all this, I honestly don't think I'd be able to forgive her but I'll cross that bridge when it comes too it. The biggest thing I'm struggling with now is constant mood swings and overactive mind. I've got some time off work soon think its probably on my agenda to ditch my my phone for a bit and get my head cleared haha.

[abitbroken]

Its only happened 3/4 times during our 4 years and it was after she finished her medication. For the past year she's been absolutely fine other than this virus ruining our plans, she was sad yeah and said stuff like maybe its not meant to be, maybe we can never go again, I took that with a pinch of salt and reassured her it'd all work out and we'd still go next year. I then handelled all the admin in order for us to get our money back so she didn't have too.

 

When she was feeling low and retreated she'd basically just stop me seeing her, saying she wouldn't be good company and spent the week with her family just in bits. Her mum was excellent at handelling her when she's like this so I gave her space and eventually she'd emerged and be happy to see me again. During this though she'd still text me once a day or so just to let me know she was okay.

 

I dont mind having to deal with this, it is what it is. I,ve felt my share of depression and low points in my life too one occasion almost drove me to a point of no return. If it wasn't for my best friend calling me at 3 in the morning I might not even be here. Luckily I managed to sort myself out and had the right circle of friends.

 

If you suffer with your mental health, albeit perhaps more mildly then she does, two people with similar issues make a very self destructive match. She is your first love. She won't be your last. Look up codependency because you are enabling her - up until now. You were willing to take bad treatment in the past "because of her illness" rather than deciding that you will be treated a certain way and if that person does not treat you that way, its not about explaining why they can't, its about finding someone who does and has their life together.

 

If she was someone with zero history of depression, would you put up with how you broke up? You would say eff that -- and move on - but you have been "explaining" it and sort of begged her for another chance.

[Huggie]

Huggie, TAKE HER SIDE.

 

This is starting to sound like voices in my head now haha. Believe me I want to, but where do I draw the line? How much does she have to hurt me before enough is enough. Don't get me wrong if she does come calling I'll listen, but it depends on what she says and her reasons. I'd love nothing more than to ride up on a white horse, whip her off her feet and ride away into the sunset. Honestly I'm just having major doubts.

[abitbroken]

I'm sorry your going through all that mate, please know that you deserve better too and we both will find someone more appreciative of us and build stronger relationships learning from our mistakes.

 

If she does come crawling back she'd better have a damn good reason for putting me through all this, I honestly don't think I'd be able to forgive her but I'll cross that bridge when it comes too it. The biggest thing I'm struggling with now is constant mood swings and overactive mind. I've got some time off work soon think its probably on my agenda to ditch my my phone for a bit and get my head cleared haha.

 

You shouldn't let her come crawling back.

Look, there are people on here who married someone with a mental illness -- had some burst up like that before they were married - and a couple years into a happy marriage the person pulls the disappearing act -- they "can't do this anymore" for no apparent reason (the other party has not cheated, there don't seem to be any points of contention, etc.) other than their mental health is having an episode but they don't recognize is and either go on a bender, move out completely, leave their kids behind. I would get your own self in order instaed

[Huggie]

If you suffer with your mental health, albeit perhaps more mildly then she does, two people with similar issues make a very self destructive match. She is your first love. She won't be your last. Look up codependency because you are enabling her - up until now. You were willing to take bad treatment in the past "because of her illness" rather than deciding that you will be treated a certain way and if that person does not treat you that way, its not about explaining why they can't, its about finding someone who does and has their life together.

 

If she was someone with zero history of depression, would you put up with how you broke up? You would say eff that -- and move on - but you have been "explaining" it and sort of begged her for another chance.

 

I wouldn't call what I had depression per say, I was highly drunk that night which didn't help... but if it wasn't for my friends I would have been on a very bad path. I met this girl 3 years after this episode.

 

I can't imagine what it's like to suffer with your own thought and feelings which is why I didn't hold it against her, if she didn't want to see me then I couldn't force her nor could I blame her knowing she's battling her own mind. This time it just feels different, I dont even know if it was her depression that caused her to leave but without her talking to me I might never get an answer. The reason I made this post was for advice on how to proceed, do I leave her alone and hope she comes back or should I fight for her and let her know I care.

 

I didn't want to look back at this in years to come and regret not at least trying, but like people have been saying I need to value myself too and stand my ground. It's all a lot to process haha, so many opinions to consider and no clue if I fight for her, leave her be and let her come to me or move on!

[Seraphim]

My husband I started our relationship the same ages as you both . We were 20 and 22. We both had significant mental health struggles. The first few decades of our relationship was a living hell. Now that we have both been treated and medicated our life is much much better. Please don’t consider a relationship with somebody with significant mental health issues that’s not treated. My husband was also my first love. Most people like us don’t end up staying together.

[Lambert]

She needs to be responsible for herself, her actions, etc or she is having some kind of mental illness crisis. Turning into a Disney prince is not the answer.

 

Its completely bonkers to break up with someone via text, after 4 years together. But that is where you are. I would completely stop trying to reach out to her.

 

Do you have a mutual friend or are you close to a member of her family? it might be best to reach out and let them know she doesn't seem herself and she's pushing you away, which you respect but you want someone to know and reach out to her just in case.

 

And they don't have to report back to you. this is about her, of course you are willing to help them help her anyway you can as a friend.

 

There is a need for you to recognize you can only do so much. when someone breaks up with you, you leave them be. you dont deseve to be dumped via text message.

 

Now if a loved one is having a mental crisis, we should try to help them. however, this is not the time to double down and push marriage.

 

this is a major red flag to slow way down. you may not get back together. she may be claiming depression as an excuse to break up. I know it sounds crazy but it happens. she may need help. you just don't know.

 

If you really feel she is in crisis, reach out to her best friend... otherwise do nothing.

[limichelle]

As someone who has a serious mental illness I’m med compliant. I don’t care about the side effects of the medication or the fact I’m fat and have to go in for blood work just to make sure the psych medication doesn’t damage my liver. I take my meds everyday regularly because I’ve seen those like your girlfriend who aren’t compliant. I’ve seen how you can’t reach them or rationalize with them.

 

OP my first love had paranoid schizophrenia and came off of all his medication.Now she may have depression your ex but can you imagine someone like my ex off meds? I gave my all fighting for him, for us the last three years! I lost myself in the process. It took a huge toll on my own mental health, self esteem and physical health. I suggest you let her go.

 

I’m sorry that she broke up in a non communicative way. That’s hard! But maybe she’s so beside herself in her depression that’s the only way she knows how to break off the relationship.

 

The best you can do is not take it personally and rebuild a life without her.

 

Just don’t chase her or propose. You don’t want to be back in the throws of her depression which you will be if you don’t let her go. Just hope for the best for her.

[LootieTootie]

How old are the both of you ?

 

For some reason I thought you were asking both the OP and commentator, petitpuddin.

 

Married a bipolar person here and it is important that someone who is chemically off-balance take their medication. My husband has tried to wean off a couple of times but now we know better. I've been with him long enough to see and endure some of these episodes when he doesn't take his medication. He's highly emotional, irrational and compulsive. Once I had neighbors call me telling me they see my husband in the neighborhood park at night pacing around and talking to himself. Yikes - right? I had to tell my neighbors my husband is having a manic episode and he knows it, he's trying to talk himself out because he is unable to control his emotions and will most likely take it out on whoever is in his face. They stopped saying hi to us shortly after that.

 

It's hard to deal with a loved one if they have it and they don't take care of their mental health, because yes, it affects their loved ones too. There's a sense of hopelessness and a sense of dread that comes with the territory when you are with someone who doesn't take their medication because they've decided they're better off without it.

[Seraphim]

^No, was asking the OP.

[Huggie]

^No, was asking the OP.

 

So she reached out to me today, via text, I can't even remember what text I sent her or when because I completely deleted her number..

 

But she said 'I'm not being rude by not replying I just really really don't know what to say, I just know I need to reply. I think we should meet up at some point and talk really.'

 

Do I even reply to this??

[Wiseman2]

Ask her what she wants to talk about

[Lambert]

Hi huggie.

 

I would respond and really just set your own boundary based on how you really feel and not to garner further response.

 

In your shoes I would be beyond hurt. Being dumped over a text.... But also not wanting to do more harm to a person I do care about and who could be in pain of her own due to her mental state.

 

I would write back.... I apologize for my lengthy rant but as you can imagine I am extremely hurt that you did this via text. I'm not sure what to say either.

 

You don't need to solve the next step today. It is clear she needs space and has walls up. Let her. Focus on taking care of yourself. I think to even agree that you're just gonna wait until her some point is expecting too much of yourself.

 

I had an ex basically do the same thing. Total emotional breakdown. Crying, screaming I don't know what to tell you, abusing alcohol, acting completely out of character... But this same man was in a new relationship in a couple months... For whatever reason, what we were doing, we were planning, we were... It was over and I never got the reason.I

 

I'm sorry and I don't think this kind of thing is all that uncommon... Some people cannot cope... Walk away with peace in your heart... You did what you could.

[ninjabib]

I'd just politely decline her offer and block her. Wish her the best and move on.

[smackie9]

You let her hoover you back in, and the cycle will start all over again. Say no.

[Huggie]

You let her hoover you back in, and the cycle will start all over again. Say no.

 

A part of me really wants to hear why she put me through this, is that wrong?

I know if I do see her however I'll be like putty in her hands, can't help myself around this girl.

 

I either cut her off now and get on with life or I hear her out, lay down the law (contradicts what i just said but I shall try) and see where things go.

 

Are you adamant I should say no?

[boltnrun]

Think about how you'd feel if she pulls this again. Would it be worse? Real talk, not how you hope it will be.