Jump to content
'

Recommended Posts

Hi

 

I have been in a relationship with this guy for 5 months now but we've been talking to each other for about 8 months. It started off as a long distance relationship where we would communicate regularly on the phone and finally decided to meet. The attraction was mutual and has been since then. However, due to unforeseen circumstances I had to move even further away (different continent and time zone) around a month after we met. This did not affect our communication in anyway since we're anticipating being together in the next few months (me moving to a new country permanently). He is a great guy very respectful, caring towards me and his own family. In a way, he is the kind of guy I always wanted and was happy to finally meet someone like him.

 

Recently, I happened to go through his instagram followers list and realized that he follows a bunch of pornstars/naked/semi-naked instagram models. Not only that but he also likes those pictures although not of any one model in particular. It's more sporadic. This started messing with my mind and I would find myself spending hours trying to look into this more and more. I am aware that he watches porn and we've talked about masturbation and how it helps his release stress since we're not together and cannot indulge in any form of physical intimacy.

 

I gave all this some thought for a while and came to the conclusion that it is harmless since there is no personal connection between the models and him anyways. However, I just noticed that he is continuing to add more of such people and this time the model/pornstar sent him a request back which he has accepted. His is not an open account where anybody could just follow him. This has sent my mind into overdrive and I'm thinking if this could lead to the possibility of starting a conversation/live web cam session which I dont think i will be ok with. But there is no way of knowing that. Wanna know if I'm being unreasonable by doubting him or is it ok for the time being to follow insta models since we're not together in person to engage in any form of personal contact. Also, when we did meet a few months ago on our date he developed blue balls since we started making out the first day but I wasnt ready for sex yet. But a couple of days into it I was more open, however by then he was not able to maintain an erection and we couldnt do it. He sais it had never happened before. Don't know if this is an issue arising out of continuous sexual stimulation or something else.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Read articles on guys who overdo it with porn and masturbation. It actually changes the wiring in their brain, and they can no longer get excited by the real live woman right in front of them. Their go-to turn on is fixated on porn, and it's also less effort to turn on themselves versus putting in the effort with a woman.

 

IMO, people who enter LDRs often are not emotionally ready to be in a real relationship, or they have something to hide, or their behavior has been a turn off to local prospects.

 

I myself like a man who has healthy hobbies/interests. Fixating on women as mere sexual objects and gazing at their images all day would be a gross turn off for me. And you've probably only scratched the surface of his issues since you've barely been together. If you don't heed these red flags now, you deserve the train wreck that is about to be your life.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Did you meet just this one time? You are right, there is no way of knowing because you have spent almost no time together and barely know each other. What you do know is that you are not sexually compatible.

 

finally decided to meet. we're anticipating being together in the next few months (me moving to a new country permanently).

 

But there is no way of knowing that.

 

when we did meet a few months ago he was not able to maintain an erection and we couldnt do it.

Link to post
Share on other sites

How did you "meet" or run into each other on the web? Did you meet on a website or chatline? I agree with the other comments above from other members.

 

He may have these ladies on his instagram account because he's already been a client of theirs for years before you ever showed up on the scene.

 

It's very easy to fake a persona on the surface in one meeting. Be cautious and start mingling more with local friends in your new town. This person is not a good choice - there are a lot of red flags and the number one issue is it being a long distance relationship with a person you hardly know. Start listening to your instincts and thank your lucky stars that you saw his social media accounts.

 

Having these lady friends never came up in conversation until you saw what was there on your own. Can you imagine what else he has omitted and hasn't told you that you'll have to find out on your own as you get to know him?

 

Also, please do not send this person money even if he asks for it or whatever story he wants to feed you next about what a great person he is. You said you have plans to move there in a few months and I think that's a prime opportunity for him to ask you to wire him money as there's a transition period where people are vulnerable and are already committed to something big and life-changing.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Personally, my husband watching porn does not bother me as i watch it myself! Sometimes it is just for a quick 'sex fix' lol.

But becoming friends with porn stars on Instagram is a bit strange. The only way to get some answers is to ask him. But i would also question why you both feel the need for a LDR? Commitment issues?

Link to post
Share on other sites

I find it rather sleezy when grown men do this sort of thing on social media. To me, it's something a horny teenager might do.

 

To be clear, I don't take issue with watching porn in the privacy on one's home. Not at all. But (semi-) public ogling and especially knowing you can see it suggests this guy doesn't have a very good filter or sense of discretion. That would turn me off, even it never amounted to anything more. I prefer a man with more mature conduct.

 

It sounds like you agreed to commit to a guy who you still don't actually know that well, and can't see very much in the flesh. And what he is showing you is unbecoming. Is it worth it, in the end?

Link to post
Share on other sites

over doing anything in life has always got its consequences, he wont change unless he feels so.The problem is when you have social media platforms like instagram, facebook and the likes, you start following all these porn stars and apparently you have kids and family following you they all can see your likes and stories.His addiction can unknowingly cause more harm to many who follows him unless he got a secretive account to do all this.

Am not sure he may be aware as well but he is definitely quite irresponsible with his actions. Sorry you are going through this but its not something you need to put up with.

Link to post
Share on other sites

You are not over reacting. It's one thing to have private time, and indulge in a little porn, but to be a follower of multiple porn starts to the extreme is an obsession...this would be a deal breaker for me. 5 months in....hardly worth it hun. Kick him to the curb.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Thank you guys for your positive replies. I think the picture that I painted about this guy may have given a slightly wrong impression. This is a guy I met on a site more inclined towards serious relationships than for e. g tinder. So it was very clear from the beginning that we were both looking for a potential long time partner and not just a fling. At the time we were living a few hours from each other. I was also in the process of moving to his city soon but things took a turn with my job and with all that’s going on with the pandemic I had to move back to my home country temporarily. He has been very supportive throughout the process and very much his. We have even told our families about us and I’ve even spoken to them a few times. I still feel he is not someone who is into cheating and all that given that he has very strong family values. Whenever we talk he doesn’t give me the impression that he doesn’t care and has reassured me that’s he’s there for me whenever I need him. My mind was messed up only after I saw his Instagram followers which was much after we met. He has been the same throughout this whole duration. There is also no way of knowing if he added most of them before or after we met. He’s older in his late thirties (I’m in my early 30’s) and has been single for some time. I don’t want to do anything with what he was doing before we got to know each other. My point here is once we decided to get serious should he have cleaned his follower list and discontinued with the “likes” or is it not a big deal since we are not able to experience any form of physical intimacy at the moment and he is just getting his share of visual inputs? He has also mentioned that he is more of a physical person when it comes to expressing love and this LDR is hard for him. Same goes with me but I think as a woman I am able to have a better control on my desires. Once again I am ok if he indulges in porn time to time but with following instagram models there is a more or less a continuous flow of these images that he probably sees throughout the day. That’s what bothers me more. I only hope that is does not affect his sexual encounters with me in person. He was very affection at the time we met but unfortunately that was our only chance to meet in person until next time. I don’t want to just walk away based on this alone but I cannot think of a way to bring this up with coming across as a stalker or a controlling person. Looking for any words of advice or reassurance that although not normal such things are quite common these days given that technology has made everything so accessible.

 

Appreciate your responses. Thanks!

Link to post
Share on other sites

Do you think there is potential for this habit to change if I spoke to him about how much it bothers me? If he had been following these models when he was single I can’t say much about it I feel because as a single guy he probably resorted to these ways of satisfying his needs. I know for sure that he is not the kind of guy to go around smashing girls. However I’m not sure how to approach this issue when we can’t even have a face to face conversation at this time. For a feed days in between I stopped looking through his list and checking what he’d liked but just yesterday i saw that he was following more people and when I checked it was another sexual account.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Unfortunately it won't change things. He has only invested in one meeting with you. If he has an interest in meeting again, he may hide it better. However the net result could be that you are perceived as controlling, insecure or nagging.

 

The best thing to do is decide if continuing to invest too much in a LDR that is unsatisfying is worth your while.

Do you think there is potential for this habit to change if I spoke to him about how much it bothers me? he was following more people and when I checked it was another sexual account.
Link to post
Share on other sites

Here's how I'd look at this:

 

Let's say you were writing in 1980 instead of 2020. What would you be describing here? It would be a nice enough guy you met who, you discovered, subscribes to Playboy, Penthouse, and Hustler, and tapes some photos from those magazines on the walls of one room of his home. The one with the pool table, say, and the mini fridge with beer. Is what it is: a way some men live. Now you get to decide: is that the kind of man you want see about living with?

 

If you want to assure yourself that this is quite common these days—well, go for it. It is quite common, as the small nation of "followers" of those thirst traps shows, just as the success of Playboy, Penthouse, and Hustler once showed. This is not a new story, in short, but a very old story. The question I'd ask is whether you want it to be part of your story, and then proceed from there.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Do you think there is potential for this habit to change if I spoke to him about how much it bothers me?

 

Sure, there's the potential. If he hates himself enough—which, mind you, is very different than liking you a whole lot—you might be able to tap into that shame a bit, see about editing him down into a more palatable shape and form. But is this who you want to be in a relationship? That's the more important question, particularly at this stage, when you're talking about someone you hardly know, have no history with, and are staring at a number of variables that make an actual relationship very challenging.

 

Are you looking for someone to shape and mold, or someone who lives on a level that matches the level you live on?

Link to post
Share on other sites

Well you are very right in saying that if he was already following all these pornstars before he even met you, then he didn't even do anything wrong. He just didn't unfollow them. Also I don't mean to be rude but are you guys actually in a real relationship? You met in person only once, you hardly know this guy. Talking on the phone and text doesn't allow you to truly know the person at all. Are you saying you are exclusive after meeting only one time? It sounds to me like you're expecting too much from him and expecting a serious relationship after meeting once. And trying to police his social media after meeting only once. It's totally up to you if you want to continue dating him or not because he follows these pornstars and models.

 

If it was me personally I wouldn't care. But you are allowed to mind it if that's how you feel. I wouldn't mind it if he just looked at those women's pictures and masturbated to them. I watch porn myself and I also follow hot models on Instagram, both male and female (I'm bisexual). I'm very chilled about this but I guess as long as my partner didn't actually cheat on me. E.g. had real sex or cyber sex, cam sex with these people. I also know that if they are celebrities then it's not like my partner would have a chance with them. Most likely he would only be looking at their photos. Again up to you what you think, personally it wouldn't bother me.

 

Also in long distance you can still do sexual things on web cam or at least sending sexy messages to each other. If you've been in this relationship long then you can still do those things. You don't have to have sex with him if you don't want to but you also have to realise that people do have a sex drive and need some release. I know you don't know if he's actually chatting with any of these women. You can ask him if you want to know and see what he says.

Link to post
Share on other sites

You decided he's the guy you've been waiting for before you had all the facts. Now that assertion is making it difficult for you to detach.

 

Instead of that, how about you view him as a man you really don't know all that well? And then decide accordingly.

Link to post
Share on other sites
We have even told our families about us and I’ve even spoken to them a few times. I still feel he is not someone who is into cheating and all that given that he has very strong family values. Whenever we talk he doesn’t give me the impression that he doesn’t care and has reassured me that’s he’s there for me whenever I need him.

 

He can tell you anything he thinks you want to hear, that doesn't make it the truth. For all you know, he's been engaging with hookers. You don't him well enough and whatever he does actually get into, he's not going to admit that to you.

 

The fact alone that he told you about "blue balls" on a first meet, is gross. I mean, come on, can he not be a gentleman and try to have some kind of romance?

 

He doesn't sound like a catch at all to me.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

I get what you guys are saying and I agree with the part that this behavior might not change. It’s a bit confusing to me as he is a completely different guy in person and it’s hard to believe that he might ever cheat or hook up with total strangers. What I am more worried is the porn addiction part? Don’t know if this behavior counts as that because he is good at balancing his work life and getting other things done in time. In my gut I feel like I should give it another chance before even thinking about a breakup. It was just unfortunate that we got separated by such a long distance shortly after we met. We also talk about a future together and discuss stuff like that. One thing I realize is that long distance is hard and it requires a great amount of patience and commitment to hold on together. Had we been together in person I would have brought up this issue as soon as I came to know if it and then taken it from there. A LDR leaves a lot of room for speculation and issues that are difficult to address over phone or video call. I have never felt a connection like this with anyone before and I was drawn to him because of his consistency in communication and seriousness of wanting to be in a committed relationship. I am a person who has a tendency to overthink A LOT . That hasn’t done me any good in the past. I have decided to forget about it for a while and focus on the time that we spend talking to each other. If these feelings continue to persist or bother me I will talk to him just to know his side of the story. Right now, I’m too focused on the negative and I feel I need a more open mind to be able to understand things better without any judgement. I will keep you guys posted on how this goes. Thanks for all your inputs.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Well you are very right in saying that if he was already following all these pornstars before he even met you, then he didn't even do anything wrong. He just didn't unfollow them. Also I don't mean to be rude but are you guys actually in a real relationship? You met in person only once, you hardly know this guy. Talking on the phone and text doesn't allow you to truly know the person at all. Are you saying you are exclusive after meeting only one time? It sounds to me like you're expecting too much from him and expecting a serious relationship after meeting once. And trying to police his social media after meeting only once. It's totally up to you if you want to continue dating him or not because he follows these pornstars and models.

 

If it was me personally I wouldn't care. But you are allowed to mind it if that's how you feel. I wouldn't mind it if he just looked at those women's pictures and masturbated to them. I watch porn myself and I also follow hot models on Instagram, both male and female (I'm bisexual). I'm very chilled about this but I guess as long as my partner didn't actually cheat on me. E.g. had real sex or cyber sex, cam sex with these people. I also know that if they are celebrities then it's not like my partner would have a chance with them. Most likely he would only be looking at their photos. Again up to you what you think, personally it wouldn't bother me.

 

Also in long distance you can still do sexual things on web cam or at least sending sexy messages to each other. If you've been in this relationship long then you can still do those things. You don't have to have sex with him if you don't want to but you also have to realise that people do have a sex drive and need some release. I know you don't know if he's actually chatting with any of these women. You can ask him if you want to know and see what he says.

 

I do agree with the sex drive part and I feel it too. He did mention to me once that he would like to see “pics” from me but only if I was comfortable. I don’t mind it but I just need to find a creative way of doing it. I can’t see myself just clicking away nudes on my phone and sending it to him. I did send him one picture one time that wasn’t over the top provocative but still game him something to see. I didn’t get the reaction I’d hoped for but I left it at that. I never did it again nor did he ever ask. He did tell me once though that he is tired of masturbating and wish were together so we could have some real physical intimacy. That is why deep within I feel like I am expecting too much of him especially when being apart.

Yes, we are exclusive after meeting once because it was the kind of situation where we felt an instant connection and had a really good time together. He came to my city to see me and we stayed together at my place for 4 days. I had kept an open mind to allow things to flow naturally without expecting much but apart from a few mins of awkwardness when I first saw him it was a smooth ride. Looking back we still talk about all those moments and look forward to being together soon. I know all this sounds too good to be true but after going on several dates and interacting with a lot of men i felt like I finally found what I was looking for. Only time was to tell if it would lead to what we were both looking for. Now we have to wait to find out until we get to meet again. Hopefully I will be able to give him the benefit of doubt and not let it ruin our trust solely based on his online activity. Sometimes I wish I hadn’t snooped in on his follower list at all. That’s when the speculative began.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Do you realise that paedophiles appear to be upstanding pillars of the community ? And maintain that for decades until revealed?

 

And here you are claiming this guy is great when you have only physically met him once?

 

He couldn’t get physically aroused by you , because ultimately you are not what he is into.

 

I’m not saying he is a paedo, I’m saying he is something other than what you think he is.

 

Of course cheap and nasty instagram “models” follow their followers. It creates more exposure for them.

But no , they are NOT interested in your “guy” , not even they would be bothered with him.

 

So why are you?

You are not the only person he is “chatting” to.

I hope you realise this!?

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Sometimes I wish I hadn’t snooped in on his follower list at all This is very telling of you. You're making excuses for his behavior, i.e. He's without a woman right now so he has to get his fix somewhere, blah, blah, blah. You'd rather overlook a dealbreaker because of what you see as some good traits. You'd rather have the wool pulled over your eyes so you can live in a fantasy world.

 

When the only way you'll be happy if a major change is made in a relationship, it's not the right relationship for you. You're naive if you think he's going to change what is probably a long ingrained habit, years in the making. It's okay to address minor flaws at any stage of a relationship, but if you're wanting to address major flaws at the very beginning of a relationship, it's smarter to just walk away. There are people who exist who don't possess dealbreakers and who will share your dating goals. The trick to find them is to cut the losers loose ASAP so you're free to find a winner.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I didn’t get the reaction I’d hoped for but I left it at that.

 

I think you're in for much more of this kind of behavior.

This guy is way into porn and porn stars. He is addicted. That means, he won't be satisfied with just you. The picture you sent him, probably seemed lame to him. This guy is used to some very raunchy stuff. He has seen it thousands of times with thousands of women, all sorts of body parts, positions, you name it.

 

When it comes to you sending him pictures, the ones you take won't equal the porn stars (at least not in his mind). I would also be very concerned if I were you with him being unable to stay erect on one of the first times you attempted sex.

That is a very big indication of porn addiction. A woman in real life, won't get him going like a porno, or like the hundreds of pictures. Him going soft, could have very well meant that he wasn't getting enough stimulation to remain turned on.

 

I know you want this guy to be someone else. You want him to be your knight in shining armour but I think you should really consider the fact that under his nice guy exterior, he could well be a sex addict or porn addict who will never be satisfied with just one woman. In fact, your sex life together will dwindle out very quickly and he will return to porn, whether it be in the bathroom alone or elsewhere.

He will prefer what he's addicted to.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

×
×
  • Create New...