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  1. Hello, I have been dating a guy (28 years old) for 3 months, he asked me to be his gf recently. He is treating me very well but he constantly follows new naked insta models. These girls are people that he cant meet obviously but the problem is I find the fact that he is following and constantly seeking out naked woman very disrespectful. Also, the fact that he told me he will only have eyes for me and I will see with time that I can trust him, but despite saying these, him following these accounts doesnt look good to me at all. I am conflicted. On one side: - I know that guys and girls can look at other people and find otehrs attractive while in relationship too. I follows celebrities and footballers that I find attractive. But I wouldnt follow D... pictures on social media especially when I was in a relationship. It would be disrespectful to my bf and I am sure he would be worried if he saw my social media activity following bunch of accounts with d... pics. I find him following naked insta models on insta totally disrespectful. And He appears as a thirsty guy in my eyes now, who is constantly seeking out naked woman (but again I dont know if this is normal for men). - Indeed, before meeting him i've always wondered how my friends or other girls put up with such disrespectful treatment. I always told myself I would never be with someone who disrespects me like that. (Plz correct me if I am being so harsh). - So, since it has been only 3 months, I am considering to end the relationship by saying something like "we are not compatible" and continue dating and choose to be with someone who wont do that. Because I think that if I try to talk to him about his social media activity, I might appear as a controling person. Also, I dont want to tell him what to do. If he is happy following these women, he should. I shouldnt be preventing him. It shouldnt be a forced decison, it should come naturally from him. Perhaps he is not done exploring? On the other hand: - I am thinking about keeping it very simple and telling him: "I know its normal for both man and woman to look at other man and woman and find others attractive but following these accounts and constantly seeking out naked woman is disrespectful." I will also tell him that I always told myself I would never put up with such activity in a relationship and see what he will say and take it from there. -- I dont know which option is better. I feel that this relationship has a potential if we could get past the insta issue. Also, the reason why I posted here is, I want to get more opinions. Perhaps, I am overreacting and being overly jealous? Perhaps I should change the way I think about the whole thing? For instance, some people might say he is a men and men are visual, so if he is loving and caring and making me feel beautiful, loved etc, I shouldnt worry about social media. But on the other hand, his social media activity is not making me feel respected. Also is it really healthy to lust over others when in a relationship with someone you claim you care about? I would appreciate your opinions, what should I do?
  2. I met a guy through an app not related to dating. It was just to make foreigner friends. We starting texting everyday on Instagram and later on whatsapp. We texted like four hours at least everyday. He is Indian and I am Spanish. I feel his values and morals are similar to mine, unlike most guys in Spain. We similar mindset about life about many things, although we may differ in certain things too of course. After like four months talking we confessed we liked each other although it was obvious before. When we had been seven months talking my cousin asked me if I wanted to do volunteering in India and I accepted cause I had always wanted to do volunteering abroad and also cause it was a good idea to meet him. We just met for three days and it was very good, we liked each other in person too and we kissed. As I thought it was normal the next step should be start relashionsip, but he said no, that I should wait cause he only wanted to take the commitment if he had job. 'So till when I will have to wait?', I asked, 'till November', he said. Some things I like about him is that he respect me a lot and he is not jelaous, he always try to please me if I tell him something bothered me, he also is very attentive. What I don't like it is that he has trouble to show his feelings and with this thing of making me wait, there is not way to change his mind and that is making me rethink everything. I wonder if I want a relationship with him or not, cause I feel a man who truly wants a relationship doesn't let external factors decide no? Maybe I am wrong. I am very confused. Other problem is I want to talk with him but I have to wait a couple of days cause he doesn't want to talk about this topic with his parents there. That's why I want to clear my mind, decide if I want to be in relationship with him or not before we speak on video. If anyone has advice I will be forever grateful.
  3. So here's the situation; I and my boyfriend have been together for 2 years now. This year is our 3rd. Here's what transpired: My boyfriend has a private Instagram account. So evidently sometime last year around the summer, he followed or she requested to follow him. I'm not certain who followed who But I noticed that they had messaged each other. I need to provide more context first my boyfriend has a past, He used to be promiscuous with women, some case would have multiple girlfriends simultaneously. He used so many dating apps and in fact he followed a bunch of them on social media and has them on a messaging app. ( some of them he had s*x with or intended to.) and collected images with them and of them nude, Explained to me his goal used to be to try have intercourse with as many women as he could. He was transparent about a lot of his past but probably he may have not told me everything. He explains to me how natural he feels around me & how much he's changed and that he realized how immature & narcissistic he used to be. I want to believe him and he assures me who he is today isn't who he was back then and how grateful he was that he that wasn't the version of him I met. So far, he has demonstrated that in some respects & We are a devoted and joyful relationship and live together, I know he isn't sleeping around anymore. however, the thing that makes it troubling is he still hasn't deleted any of these women on social media or any messaging apps including an old long-time ex who still attempts to communicate with him and is clearly still attached to him. She apparently made some judgmental remarks on me and does this with every girl he's dated after her. He claims she has moved on but her actions speak otherwise. He ignores her now & If he has deleted any of these previous women it's a very small amount but I have yet to see that he has. He insists it's because there's so many or that he's lazy. I admit that I have really bad social anxiety which does affect my relationships sometimes. Despite that, it's in no way comparable to when I was significantly younger. Looking at how much I've grown I'm confident concerning who I am and how much I have changed. I'm trying to remain calm and not always assume the worst. Some of the roots I believe may about my past and the experiences I've had. So it's mostly for this reason that I am very hard to trust people. But I have begun to trust him after a certain point in our 1st year. There is an issue, however, for a while, my boyfriend frequently requests me to change certain ways about my look. For instance, he would keep suggesting me to dye my hair red due to the fact that he's into gingers. I told him that the shade he wanted didn't go well with my skin tone and that I didn't like it. Or keep nagging me to lift weights. Also by no means am I not unhealthy or unattractive physically. I'm a really skinny 4-foot girl with C-cup breasts. I try to walk and move around and we eat plenty of veggies and fruits. but nowadays, I've been busy studying lately and it's not been a priority or an interest to lift weights or have a strict workout routine but if I do it it'll be my choice in the future and I've told him this on a few occasions. To be entirely honest, him annoying me about it is making me lose any possible motivation to try it. He insists it's for my health but I don't believe that's the full reasoning behind it. I see him make commentary about women who work out and lift weights. As an example, he will say that a girl has a nice ass, and then if I ask him about my ass he'll say it's cute. Sounds to me like he's saying it to avoid hurting my feelings. Therefore, I am inclined to think he doesn't see me as good enough when he does all that. Surely, if the change is for the better & I'll consider it but I also want to feel the personal motivation and have the time to do these sorts of things. Not just to satisfy someone else. I strive to be my best self but I also wish he could understand my perspective on why I don't desire either right now. So this girl's account is private so I made an anonymous account, followed her, and I looked and saw he had liked 2 photos from her account. One is of her in a tight dress. Her ass is facing the camera and you can see her boobs which are huge. The other is of her doing squats. I don't want to be irrational but this did hurt me and I don't know how to process this. For some time now he hasn't been liking any women's photos but he then he liked hers all of a sudden. I didn't wanna bring it up and make a big deal about it. So just to see what exactly was going on. I'll admit I looked at his DMs She messaged him first. At approximately 8 at night The messages went something along these lines; Her: Hello Him : Heyy how are you feeling? Her: very well and you? Him: I feel good(says something about a book he's reading) she likes this message Her: Oh that's cool He then ask if she's in a certain branch and the military and she confirms that she is. She then asks his profession and he tells her. Her: Aww that's nice Him : Yes where do you live? She tells him she lives in a city in our state about 2-3 hours from us. Her: Where do you live? Him: (Our city name) We're not that far She says that they aren't very far but tells him that she has been away from home awhile Her: Though coming back to the states anytime soon. Him : Oh where are you now? She then tells him that's she's in some foreign country in the middle east. Now he didn't say anything else after this. I again noted that a lot of time had passed and nothing came of it. Though I didn't feel it appeared platonic based on the photos he had liked and how flirty he came across with the emojis and such. On Instagram, we send each other cute animals, so one day we were cuddling in bed and when he opened his DMs I saw it again. I asked who she was and his immediate response was that he ignored her. But It's clear he didn't and was becoming really defensive. I asked him to look me in eyes & please tell me the truth but he couldn't keep a straight face every time I asked. He said he was grinning cause he thought it was ridiculous. His reaction of course made me feel anxious and skeptical. Afterward, I discovered he deleted the messages. So my questions are 1. Why do you think he deleted them? 2. Do you believe I have any justification to feel suspicious about this situation? They don't know each other and the probable hood of them meeting may not happen but I can't help but at least be uncomfortable with him following and messaging girls like this. Especially if he's going to be checking them out like that. 3. How do I resolve the situation? I understand it may seem difficult to believe but I trust that he won't genuinely cheat on me. but girls hit on him all the time, So much that it began to truly get on my nerves after it occurred so frequently. They don't know me or anything. Though, He makes our relationship public and has photos of me and him everywhere. Most of them know we are together but don't comprehend nor care about boundaries. Plus these remarks he makes about my appearance don't help much either. I don't want to feel like this. I love him, He's a wonderful boyfriend. I don't imagine he isn't attracted to me but I want to discover a way to communicate that even though yes he is with me and I don't feel threatened, his comments and comparing me to other girls or repeatedly attempting to persuade me to do these things doesn't boost my self esteem nor my ability to believe he's fully satisfied with me. This is all especially hard given some of his interactions with women. I attempted to reflect and examine if I'm a hypocrite and do this too. But I never compare him like this to other men, I always tell him how handsome he looks. I don't try to pressure him to change his appearance to satisfy me, I may make a suggestion here and there like a shirt or something I think he'd like. But I don't make a big deal or constantly bring it up like him. I also receive messages sometimes that are flirty, I normally block them, ignore them or instruct them to get lost and that's the end of it. I showed him I have removed these sorts of men from my past and present that may be problematic and I don't have any exes still around. So I don't comprehend why he does and doesn't any of this. Any advice would be helpful, I think we may just need to communicate and I need to understand what he is thinking and feeling. How maybe it is from his perspective.
  4. This is my attempt at expressing and consciously choosing to move forward in life, one smile at a time. It's been almost 4 months since we have been separated and it still lingers on, as it naturally should. We were together for what would of been 9 years this past new years and my life at 27 has definitely changed since. This will be a bit in depth but I want to get out all of my thoughts, failures, and fears and have them publicized to you all for mutual support, respect, and counseling. Reading others past experiences and current emotional mindset has really been an eye opener into the importance of constructive feedback. I hope this will help others somehow. When I was in college around 2004 I met this beautiful, young, Caribbean girl named "Mary." We met through mutual friends and we would all hang out at bars or clubs since the school we attended did not necessarily have the campus lifestyle. All of us would dance, have fun, be silly, and think nothing of it. Mary was a very happy, positive, young spirited girl that really captured my attention. We were friends for about a year and I noticed myself falling for her. I told a mutual friend about this and he said "man, let it go it's just a fluke." I realized that I was, after a year, approaching the "friends zone" and needed to act. FAST. I built up the courage while talking to her on the phone and told her that I liked her. She replied, I like you too, then I said no I REALLY like you. She hesitated, but then suddenly replied with a similar gesture. We began dating that fall and things were amazing. I eventually asked her to be my girlfriend on New Years at midnight and that's where our story began. It was heavenly bliss, as it usually is. We would think about each other, spend countless hours exploring each others body, sleep the day away and just be a young in love couple. For the first 6 months or so it was a dream. She was so in love with me and I could feel it in every action and gesture she made. Prior to this, my longest relationship had been 6 months and usually because I would lose interest in the girl. Not this time. I really liked this one. After the first year, I started noticing certain flaws, as most would after the honey moon period. I still really liked her and she was even more in love with me but my mind began to wonder. She was living at her mom's and not really working but would stay with me for 1-2 weeks at a time, which I didn't mind but made me question things. Sometimes she would either go to visit her family in the Caribbeans or travel for a modeling or video gig. During one of these trips, I found myself hanging out with another girl and unfortunately made the dumb decision to make out with her. Alcohol was involved, but it definitely was not what pushed me over the edge. After that incident and upon her return, I was so fraught with guilt and shame that I did the only thing I knew to do. Confess. It was awful. She was an emotional mess. I felt horrible about it. But I felt, at the time, it was the right thing to do. It took a little while but eventually we were back to being okay. I could tell that now and ever since, I had killed the spirit of love inside her, even if only a little bit. Something that I have always been raised by has been to be a go getter and diligent in everything I do. I had dreams and aspirations of going to Japan or Korea and teach English before I got into this relationship. I still wanted to do it, but it seemed harder than before. Around the third year of the relationship I decided I would try and make that happen again. It hurt her to hear this, but she knew it's what I wanted. I tried to start the application process and what not and ultimately got rejected from the program. The mentality was still there. I wanted to run away. To be free. To go through a rite of passage of sorts and find out who I really am. Somehow, I felt that this wasn't with her by my side yet something kept me around. As the years went by, she would sometimes go and visit her family, for maybe a month. My old self would get excited at this thought as if I had gained some freedom. Slowly my mentality began to change. When I would be around her or her friends I would become quiet, mildly annoyed and somehow a drag. I don't know what brought me to that state but maybe it had to do with me being unhappy in my situation yet not being able to let her go. I messed around once more with the girl I had kissed from before, but this time I did not tell her. I kept it to myself. And my soul slowly began to experience remorse. My ex has has this condition called endometriosis (endo). It is a debilitating pain that spreads from a woman's uterus. This would cause her to be in excruciating pain sometimes to the point where I would have to take her to the hospital. It happened more than 6 times, at least. When she needed me the most I would seem to drown in this depressed "woe is me" state that I was so young (23ish) and felt like I had a broken girlfriend. It was rough for her but for me as well. At one time I caught myself catching her as she fainted and had to call the ER to have them come save her because she was unresponsive. Medical issues plagued the early years of our relationship and it made me feel overwhelmed and stressed. The inner voice and feeling inside me was one of pushing away and rejecting what was to me not what I wanted. I eventually graduated college and found a different number of jobs. She had dropped out of college and was doing odd jobs here and there while still pursuing her modeling career, which was not really going anywhere. We were still happy and together, but it was my gut feeling inside still causing me to wonder and feel somewhat "off". At the time my friends where our friends and we would still do a lot of things together. It was nice, now that I look back at it but at the time I don't think I realized what I had or how I could better myself. When 2010 had arrived, I was at a low point in my job hunt. I had no where to live and go and ended up moving to a friends hallway. She was also still having problems with her health and causing her to not fully be able to pursue college or work. I decided for us to have a baby, since all the reading I had done indicated that pregnancy causes the endo to "spread" and break apart. We had had a miscarriage before when I was in school and i remember feeling like my life was over once I heard she was pregnant, but her body rejected it. So this time I wanted to consciously have a child with her. And it happened. Before the baby had been conceived, I had plans of visiting my family in Colombia. I had bought a ticket and had not seen my family in about 8 or 9 years. When the time came, She was about 6 months pregnant and I chose to go on my trip to visit my family. I arrived at my country and saw it with adult eyes for the first time. During one of my visits to family, I met this girl, a family friend. For the 4 days that I was there, I felt such a strong connection and emotion with this person. I also was having a mid life (20's) crisis because I was only 24 and about to be a young father. I was not prepared. Life had so much more to offer and my naive mind thought it was now hindered or closed off. So this Colombian girl was a representation of everything I could not have and wanted. I arrived back home and maintained contact with the girl through Facebook. Bad Idea. As with all things, they will eventually come to light and one day I left my Facebook up and she got on and read all the love letters that I had left this girl. While she was pregnant. It absolutely destroyed her heart. And it will be a mistake that I will forever regret causing. I apologized profusely, she called my mother and we all talked, cried, and tried to make amends. Things had changed. Things were off. It was the beginning of the end. Our daughter was born that summer and it slowly brought us closer. It also established boundaries between our now adult relationship. The baby became a priority, our sexual activity decreased, the burdens of raising a family on a limited budget were mine to bare, etc. She went the first year staying with the baby while I would work and go out occasionally (still being insecure about trusting me). My daughter brought me a lot of joy and a new sense of self was slowly being instilled. I was still working multiple jobs until I finally landed my first true full time job at an ad agency. Once again, my inability to remain faithful would rear its ugly face. The job was amazing, fun, and new. The people were creative, unique, and culturally diverse. As always, there was a girl and this one girl was the complete opposite of what I had at home: driven, successful, intellectual, deep. It was unique and mind blowing. I have this habit of writing on moleskines (little black books) everything that I feel and began writing about this girl, we will call her Zara. Zara was on my mind, my dreams, everything. I would look forward to seeing her in the morning, stay late at work to try to talk to her. It was a mess. I kept looking everywhere else for change and not where it mattered most. Within. On one occasion, Jo found one of these little books and again, I broke her heart. I never acted or did anything with Zara. It was simply a perpetual daydream. Slowly I began to lose interest or woke up to the reality of us not being able to be with each other. Since Zara was someone who, at that time, I could see myself spending my life with. Jo began to pull away from me slowly and I took notice. As I shut off my emotions for Zara, another girl at work named Randi, who I wasn't really interested in, began to pay me more attention. When the baby's first bday arrived, we had planned a big party with many guest. That morning i was on my laptop and on Facebook when I see that she had left her Facebook up. I found messages of her talking to an old friend of hers and them discussing hooking up and what not. For the first time, the tables had turned and I felt the stabbing pain of mistrust. The profound sadness and anger that comes with it. It was a horrible day for me. We tried to have it work out that day. For the baby. But our relationship from that day had finally reached it's final descend. I now had issues of insecurity, but did not do the right thing in working our relationship out. I buried those emotions and continued on with our life. At the ad agency, there was another girl who was all smiles and always enjoyed my company. Her name was Randi. She was not really my type but I could tell and feel the attention she would direct towards me. My home life at that time was not exactly positive other than the baby, and I felt this selfish need to let some sexual energy out due to the strain and stress of my job (very simple minded) and thus I began to fool around with this girl. Consistently. During this period I attempted to move out because I had felt that I was completely losing my self and betraying everything that we had. Outside of this relationship and during this period, I was a very compassionate guy with a good heart. It just seemed like our relationship was getting very wary and I was not really in it anymore. Her flaws and lack of drive was constantly leaving a bad taste in my mouth. I tried but with no success, because I began to miss them (especially since it was now 7 years of our relationship). New Year arrived (anniversary) and I had an illuminating moment . I was hired as a videographer for an out of town shoot in another state and since we were short on money, I took on the job. My intention was to take Randi and grab a hotel after the shoot and of course have fun all night long. The day I was getting ready to leave, I went to my office to pick up some batteries and when I was in the stock room, i found a quote someone had placed almost strategically for me to read. It was the commencement speech by Brian Dyson, CEO of Coca Cola. If you have a chance, please read it. I will post the link below. Once I read this, something was lifted. I realized that my relationship was being irrevocably damaged and that I was the cause of this pattern. I had to change. I called Randi and canceled our plans. I could not carry through one more deceitful moment to the mother of my child, especially on our anniversary. My acts had made me more insecure, unstable, needy, clingy, and paranoid around her. I was holding on to love too tightly but also throwing it around like it didn't matter. I didn't deserve her. My adult heart had blossomed and I wanted to save the last pieces of the unicorn heart. Enter 2013. The final chapter. The baby was now 2 and she had made new friends. She had been going out more and more and without me. Her confidence was back, her body bounced back to normal and she was alive again. Slowly she began to exclude me from her activities. I bought her an iphone (worst idea ever) and I began to notice her activity on the phone completely rise and at all hours of the night. My paranoia began to affect me. I had dreams of her rejecting me, treating me like I wasn't even around and completely making me feel invisible. Nightmares. Multiple nightmares. But my subconscious mind could tell that this was coming. During this time I was pursuing other endeavors outside the ad agency, Randi had been fired for quite some time (no fault of mine) and I didn't even care about Zara anymore. I wanted to be the family guy. The man to protect and love what was special to me. But I had missed that opportunity. I was involved in fashion and had an opportunity to move to NYC with my business partner. My plan was to start a 6 month plan and eventually move my family up there. It was a once in a lifetime opportunity and I was nervous but was willing to test myself and see if this was the rite of passage I had been searching for. I asked Jo if she thought we could make it through this and she gave me her blessing. But deep down she took this as me abandoning them. I moved up on February and one of the hardest month and a half of my life began. I would think about her constantly. Notice her pictures on Instagram when she would go out. Take pictures and find a random guy in there with her. Our phone conversations were very short, she would not be affectionate at all and almost have a distaste in talking to me. I could not work. I was constantly thinking about her. Depressed and alone, I told my business partner I had to go back. I was considering marrying her and told him abo ut it. I sent her flowers and she never really mentioned anything. When the thought of marriage came, my friend (who was the one that introduced us and was also my business partner ) talked to her discretely about the idea and she told him that she wasn't ready and hoped I would not propose. He said it pained him to tell me but he rather it hurt now and not be embarrassed. In our earlier years, she would constantly say she wanted to get married. She worked at a bridal shop, had the dress picked up and everything. Now she was repulsed by the idea and rightfully so. I had done so much wrong up until this point. Karma was in full force. I moved back and tried to make things work. She was now living a new life it seemed. Constantly going out on the weekends, not invite me, talk on the phone with different people all the time and just keep me on the side. It was awful. I was so insecure, depressed, sad, angry, and losing control. At one point I had to help her with her iphone and found a text from a guy she was talking to. She ran to the bathroom and closed herself shut. I was so weak and desperate because I did not want to lose her. The old me would of taken this as an excuse to rid myself of her but now I could not live without her. We had been through so much but she had finally decided to shut off her emotions towards me and slowly cut me out. October 27th, 2013. A Halloween party we attended "mutually" was taking place. I met up with her there and expected to hang out with her. Like old times. Not as parents or anything but as a couple. A couple that had fun together. But this was all an illusion. She treated me exactly as I had dreamt it. A stranger. She would talk to guy friends I had never even met and not even introduce me. I vividly remember her introducing me to someone as her "friend" and when I confronted her about it she totally denied it, but I wasn't drunk and am not deaf. It was a horrible experience. I felt so unwanted and rejected. I made her come to the car and talk to me and I asked her to stop doing this as I had before. She was so dead, cold, and unapproachable that I could not even take the pain anymore. I told her to just please break up with me because I was not able to. And that's exactly what she did. Just that. Ended it. I lost my identity. I was so distraught and grief stricken by everything. It seemed unreal. I moved out. Found a random house to live in and attempted to dust myself of. I could not. She seemed ok by everything. I cried each night I would leave my job to go home to an empty house by myself. I became more paranoid at her social media that for my sanity I took her off. Before we broke up, she randomly decided to manage a DJ. She knew nothing about electronic music or managing. After we had broken up I found on her laptop a message that they had been messing around. It killed me even more. That she had moved on so quickly and relentlessly. I was helpless and alone. Since I was the primary bread winner at the house, I continued to pay some of the bills. I tried to talk to her multiple times about us, but all she would state is that she doesn't know what she wants. I did not understand it. I was in limbo. Sometimes she would be affectionate towards me and kiss me or we would have sex and tell me things like "you still have control over me" and other times she seemed so distant and aloof. My purgatory was everywhere. I did not know what to do. I want her back but I don't know how to approach it. I wish she would just tell me why we can't work out or what we can do to move forward and start all over again. I found out so much dirty laundry during this period. Like she was talking to a guy when I moved back from NYC and mentioned me to him as an 'EX'. She had been emotionally disconnected for quite some time but was unwilling to do anything because she was afraid of making it on her own. During the last two years of our relations hip she asked me to help a guy cousin of hers to move in with us and out of his moms house. I did so because it was her family. He continues to be there and I don't think the loneliness has impacted her as much as it has me because she has him and our daughter. I now sit here, 9 days away from 3 months of being split and trying to cope and learn from all this. Embracing my suffering. When I'm around her sometimes I get really sad, depressed or really short and blunt. I want to be happy again and keep things light and airy because that's the energy state she's in right now and that's the best possibility of me winning her back. I made so many mistakes and will forever have these scars but I feel as if she has made me into a better person. I don't know if she's going through a phase similar to mine but I am completely helpless in anything to persuade her. My biggest fear is that so much time will pass that I will just be a dream, an afterthought, and a thing of the past. I fell in love with her because of her heart and am so afraid that someone else will fill my place. She has mentioned that she wants to make new memories with me but that right now she doesn't know. She sees me in her future but she doesn't know what she wants right now. I have frequently tried talking to her about the issue and I'm sure the pressure is pushing her away even more, as she has mentioned to me multiple times. I have to have more self control with my emotions. I am learning to be comfortable with uncomfortable situations. I am talking to other girls now but it seems empty and vapid when what I want does not want me in return. I held on too loosely at first and then held on too tightly towards the end and now she has removed herself. I pray for patience, strength, courage, and luck because I do believe it's possible for people to change. I changed. I am not the same man I once was. I care for her and her heart. My drive became my family and now that has changed. During the last month of our relationship she started out of no where managing a "DJ". I thought it weird because she knew nothing about that type of job and especially the music. THey would talk on the phone and it would really irk me. The breakup occurred and they continued to talk. During our break up, I would (too often) talk about our relationship and she would tell me that she's not trying to date or be in a relationship with anyone. Months have passed since then and I have heard from others that they are seen around town and what really killed me was when I found out that she was taking my daughter to have icecream with him. To me, this is a big step if a woman is introducing a new man into my daughters life. I feel so helpless and guilty but also am beginning to not continue to blame myself. I did a lot of messed up things but I also did a lot of good things. I guess it's just her finally refusing to deal with it anymore and seeing that there are other options out there. During the breakup I would give her rides ( she has no car) to work and even let her borrow my car to go out with her girlfriends. I found out on facebook that on one of these nights she actually was hanging out with him and her friends and that really pissed me off. Now I feel like I'm being played. I guess it's just my karma. I hope one day we can try again because I am not the same person I was. Don't let time pass you by with someone you are sort of in love with. Make a whole hearted decision to either be with someone that loves you or let them go so you can find the person that will make you grow internally. I think about her everyday, have to see her everyday. We have gone out on dates during the week but she never invites me out on Saturdays, when her mom takes care of the baby but she just goes with her friends. She mentioned that I don't get along with her friends (which I didn't because I felt they were partly to blame in persuading her to leave me ) and that she doesn't know how I will react if a guy friend comes up and talks to her, or why she would want to be around someone that's either depressed or angry. And shes right. It's still too soon for me. If I want a chance at us working out again, the old relationship has to die first. It's gone. My happiness has to happen first and my comfort has to be unwavering around her. I am doing everything to change that. Self help books, meditation, mental exercises, etc. Sometimes it seems that this would be easier if I never had to see her again, or if she told me that this will never work out. But she has said neither which unfortunately instills a false sense of hope within me. Please, if you lasted all this read and have suggestions or similar stories, don't be afraid to talk. Love is such a powerful yet sensitive dance that we sometimes get lost in it's beauty and grasp on too tight. Maybe it just wasn't meant to be. Maybe that's why I felt the way I did during the early years of the relationship. But my love for her continues. And I know she loves me, she's just not IN love with me, or us. I hope life brings us back together again and forever because it is through her and my daughter that I encountered the fears I need to overcome.
  5. Hey everyone. My boyfriend and I always have arguments about Instagram. He just has multiple accounts of girls in the area he’s following along with Instagram models. There are even accounts of like hottest girls on the gram amount other questionable accounts. He tells me he followed them all when he was single. It just bothers me because I don’t want to be married to someone who is going to always be looking at other girls online. I’m not sure what to do. He has unfollowed some after we talked but there is just so much on there still... he doesn’t view it the same way as me. I believe you should be loyal in all forms in a relationship but he says why isn’t it enough that I love you. This is always a stupid thing to fight about too... Please give me your input.
  6. If you were a dumpee, did you ever get closure? If so, when? Did you actually get to sit down with your ex and talk it out? I'm 21 and my ex is 24. He dumped me back in October after I (yes, I was an idiot) called him up and got into a heated argument on the phone and then all we had was a 30min phone conversation the next week. I haven't seen him in person since October 18. He said that with his last girlfriends he never gave them an explanation but said that I deserved one. I told him I wouldn't feel closure unless I saw him in person and talked it out. He told me that he didn't know when we would see each other because "these types of things don't have a timeline". I know its only been 2 months but I just feel like if we aren't going to be together then can i AT LEAST get closure to move on with my life? When he broke up with me he said that: --I did nothing wrong ---I really wouldn't want to be with someone like him --he is going through a lot of personal stuff -- he said he is hurting a lot too but it was nice to not be worried about someone and have to text them everyday -- Asked if I would want to be with someone that just wants to watch tv and sports all day? -- he needs more space -- he keeps everything bottled up --said something to the affect that it has been like this for a few months --said that if it didn't end now, it would have eventually ended ---can't be with anyone because he needs to fix his own life, doesn't want to drag me along/hold me back --we both have a lot of growing up to do Despite all of this, i still LOVE and care about his so much and have hope/faith that he can turn his life around. I respect that he wants to fix some things in his life and that he needs space, but do you think there is any hope in us getting back together or do think that I will at least ever get closure? =/ He always used to tell me that he wanted to be with me forever and we talked about marriage and children....things started to change in August and i noticed him pulling back more because of financial problems and stress with his family. It's just weird because we are still friends on FB. I've been debating deleting him on FB but decided not to. I have made a commitment to myself yesterday to not look at his FB or Instagram. Damn it's gunna be hard but I know its for the best. uggggh will i ever get closure or will he ever come back?
  7. So next month I would have been with my bf for 1 year. So I’m very nosey so I decided to look for his ex girlfriend/baby mum online. He is a very private person and has never shown me her nor told me her name lol. So me being intrigued I found her Facebook then followed her on a fake Instagram [emoji23]♂️. She accepted it today and I see she posted a pic of my boyfriend mum saying ‘celebrating my mother in laws 60th’..... mother in law?? You don’t refer to your exs mother that way even if it is your child’s grandma. Most annoying part is I can’t even mention it to him cos he will be mad about me snooping and following her on a fake insta. Any advice ladies [emoji24]. Do you think they’ve been in a relationship this whole time ? He told me they broke up just before she found out she was pregnant. There child is 4 years old now.
  8. Greetings! I have read several articles and seen YouTube videos advising to NOT reach out to an ex on Christmas or the Holiday Season. However, my goal is not to get my ex-wife back, but simply to re-establish a bridge of communication for a potential friendship in the long-term. I absolutely have no intentions in a long-term reconciliation. A bit of history: my ex-wife left me 5.5 years ago to ''find herself'' after a 6-year marriage (she has been single since then). We have been divorced now for 3.5 years and have been in No Contact for nearly 2 years. She is still single, bitter, and her heart is full of anger towards me and life in general. Our mutual friends and myself, including therapists I spoke with in the past, suspect either bipolar disorder or narcissist (cops showing up in restaurants asking her to leave because she is yelling and lashing out at the server or a waitress, etc.). Our last conversation, nearly two years ago, was not a very pleasant one. I simply called her to tell her the good news that I finished university, and instead of congratulating me, she was raging, rehashing the past, and slammed the phone on me. She checks out my Instagram from time to time but never writes, which is odd. I have never seen this level of anger or animosity before. I sometimes reflect and look back with some level of sadness and nostalgia, and I sometimes ask myself, ''how did we get to this point?'' Sine I have decided to write her on December 25, I would like to have advice from female dumpers: if you ex was to reach out to you on Christmas Day, after a long period of no contact and years after an ugly divorce, how would you feel? Happy? Upset? Sad? What kind of e-mail would make you smile and prompt you to respond? A short note? A longer e-mail to update her on my life and the highlights of the year? Asking her about her goals for the next year? All I'm asking is for a positive and healthy, respectful interaction or communication. Thank you in advance for the advice and kind regards!
  9. To make a long story short here we go.. My senior year of high school (2006-7) I dated a girl a year younger than me. We were our first boyfriends/girlfriends. We were our first makeout and foreplay. We didn't have sex, basically because she was scared of getting pregnant. We broke up because she thought I was being too serious and looking back I was your typical high school anger fueled jealous type. Shortly after our breakup he dad moved out. She got a new boyfriend a few months later, quickly had sex with him and basically went nuts with guys through college. Throughout all of this I was still there (big regret on my half.) We'd go to dinner, hangout, drink, etc. But nothing "happened" between us, she was the type that always had a boyfriend/sex buddy and it was never me. According to my friends I may have missed some "signs" along the way, but honestly I am the shy/anxious type and my confidence with her was pretty minimal. Her 21-23 birthdays come around and the only guy she invited was me. Around 2013 or so we're texting about meeting up and I'll be honest I was being passive, at one point she stated "you're always so timid with me" which looking back I don't know why someone who is just a friend would say that. Through the years her friends, and even her sister would say things to me like they wish we would give our relationship another chance, etc. We had a little spat around 2015 and didn't communicate from around Sept 2015-Sept 2019. Since 2014 I moved out of state and only visit "home" a couple times a year. During this time we were both in a serious "long term" relationship, which we both thought was heading to marriage. Last September my longtime girlfriend moved across the country and we started a long distance relationship. I was home visiting my parents and decided to ask my ex out to dinner/drinks. She agreed to it and we had a great night and got a little tipsy, at the end of the night we hugged, which was something we had never done before. Last December she turned 30 and she invited me to her birthday bash, but she gave me too short notice to change my travel plans. Turns out I would've been the only guy there who wasn't a spouse/boyfriend of one of her female friends at the party. Last month (August) I visited home and we went out to lunch. She had been asking for a few months when I would be visiting again so there would be no doubt we would meet up. Our lunch turned into about a 2.5-3 hour blast where once again laughed and talked the whole time and got a little tipsy. At the end we ended with a hug. I paid for everything (even though she objected) and later that afternoon I got a thank you text from her. Earlier this month (September) I visited home again and we went out to dinner. We were at the restaurant for about 3 hours laughing and drinking it up. Constant talking, no silence. I had asked her the dinner the night before but she stated she was too tired but then admitted she just ended up binge watching shows all night, I joked I should've came over and she said "you should have." At one point she stated I should've just picked her up for dinner instead of both of us driving. We ended the night, I paid (she objected), we hugged and went our own way. That night she texted me telling me she made it home and thanks for dinner. In the weeks since we've been constantly replying to our Instagram stories, not conversation, just little back and forth jabs. I'll be honest, I am not the most confident guy when it comes to women. I'm shy, quiet, and anxious. What does this seem like to you all? Just a couple of exes who will remain friends and are reminiscing, or two exes who want to see something happen?
  10. So I have been in a relationship for the past 3 years now and it has always been hit or miss and our main issues come down to my boyfriend he has no communication skills what so ever ,no time management, listening skills aren't super great either, in the past 2 years since the birth of our child things have been getting worse he doesn't seem to prioritise me or his child, he doesn't help us financially, doesn't work , very rarely helps with house work and will only do any childcare related things when told to (just to name a few) I know he loves us both and is the funniest guy and when he actually tries and bothers is so great So a few weeks ago it got to the point I told him that he is on final chance and if he doesn't sort it out then as much as I don't want to it will be the end of our relationship So I would like to mention that I have a body positivity Instagram account as a plus size woman (this will be relevant) and pictures of boobs(censored) and belly are on it he knows and gave his full blessing for this I also have a only fans but this is only belly again and uncensored boobs nothing else again he knows and is fully aware of this Now he is bisexual and when we first got told I said if he wants to sleep with a man he could but he had to tell me if he was talking to a man and keep all lines of communication open about what is happening so tonight we were talking and I mentioned about my boobs and the fact he mentioned about doing a onlyfans for himself as a joke it was during this that I have found out that he has sent pictures of his penis to this Internet group chat that he is on I asked if they were old one (meaning those from before we were together) he said some were, I asked if any are from the last 3 years during the time that we have been together he said that there is. I asked if he was serious and he said that the chat he is in is mostly made up of males (like that makes any difference) I told him that its the fact he didn't tell me or communicate any of this to me I have always been open with anything I post as I never wanted and issues to arise from this He said its not like it was one person in particular and its not like he cheated and he claims he hasn't done this in a year Which I understand but its the fact he never told me and i feel like its a completely different scenario I have told him I want him to stay at his mums house tonight whist I decide if this is the final straw in this relationship
  11. I'm after some advice, but guess I need to tell my story first. Thank you for anyone who makes it to the end. My ex and I met each other travelling around New Zealand, she's from Germany, I'm from the UK. It was such a magical time, this incredibly kind and special person falling in love with me, as we were both falling in love with our surroundings. I've never met someone so honest and pure, she cannot not lie and see's things so positively. She changed my whole perspective on the world, from eating chicken hearts because it was the cheapest meat at the supermarket, to going vegan over night. I changed her perspective on the world too, on what's important, to not listen to other people's instructions on life, but to do what you love and what you want to do so you have no regrets, hence why she stayed in New Zealand instead of going home 4 weeks after we met to study as her family expected/wanted, then to get a job, house etc. etc. We grew so much together for the year and half we were together, eventually going to Australia for 7 weeks before Covid ruined everything. We ended up flying back to my family home in the UK (on extremely over-priced plane tickets I'm still trying to pay back) to tide ourselves over until Covid disappeared so we could continue travelling.. obviously this didn't happen. Instead she went back to Germany for a while, then came back to the UK to visit, I then visited her for a few weeks too. But when I returned, she broke up with me. This wasn't completely unexpected though.. Sometimes it felt like we were on complete different pages, no matter how similar our morals or ways of life were. It was sometimes down to communication, which I blamed on the language barrier, but I don't think this is 100% true. She speaks incredible English, but naturally sometimes things translate differently so we can get our wires crossed. Neither of us are angry, selfish or unfair people, we had an incredibly deep relationship, we always said nobody else understood us the way we understood each other. She was my best friend. We broke up in Australia at the beginning of the year, about a year into our relationship, it was mutual but the most painful experience I've ever gone through. After the break up she went to meet up with her best friend who came over from Germany a few weeks prior. I felt abandoned, alone, I stayed in an outhouse for four days not eating a thing that whole time. I cried uncontrollably every 10/15 minutes for four days, the only thing that could stop was looking deep into my eyes in the mirror (I feel like it connects you to a human that way). I had many anxiety attacks which I had never experienced or ever thought I'd get as I always considered myself quite a mentally strong person. I've never properly over a breakup before. I used a forum similar to this but more about preventing suicide which didn't help too much, I was in pieces. Everything I looked at reminded me of her, we'd been through so much together and I didn't know where to turn. Speaking to family eventually on day 4 got me to eat, breathe and understand what I had to do. I had to fly to another part of Australia and start again. I told my ex that I needed my external hardrive she had before I could leave. She then had an emotional meltdown as she didn't think I'd actually leave, she thought we would eventually get back together she just wanted some time apart. She was truly hurt and her friend told me privately that she is totally in love with me and wants to get back together, but after everything I went through I was so confused. But of course, I was in love with this girl, so we got back together and things were back to normal soon enough. When I was visiting her in Germany after we came back to Europe we connected deeply on many topics, childhood, friend circles, understanding culture, exploring childhood towns, meeting family, it was great. But at the same time we had a couple of really bad times emotionally, nearly breaking up. We never shouted, it's more pain & feeling hurt. At the end of the trip to Germany, I felt like although we had some bad times, I felt a lot closer to her as I understood her motives and reasons behind some things I used to blame on other things. Unfortunately, she waited for a good time when I got back to the UK, and then called me to let me know we could no longer be together. She wanted me to get therapy, and to find myself again. She had recently started to go to therapy too, not just because of us, but other childhood things too. Of course, I was hurt, and memories of the four days in Australia came back, I reached those extreme points many times, but was in the comfort of my home and could meet friends so did not need any forums. She was also distraught, but she had a goal, and it was to find herself again, which I respected. After this, we decided a no contact rule to help us move on, which definitely helps! But of course, things happen, a show comes on, a bird sings, a song plays, a memory pops up, a phrase is said, an empty bed, the broken dreams we had together... etc etc. Over the next few weeks we both had weak points where we needed each other's voice to calm ourselves down. This really was a messy ending, because we wanted our relationship to work more than anything, it just wasn't. Eventually some weeks past, and I felt a lot more alive than before, I felt like I could see the light at the end of the tunnel. But then she contacted me again, but this time I told her that contacting isn't helping either of us. She told me she loved me, she told me she hears my voice, smells me, wants me etc. This is the girl that I still wanted grow old with, that I loved dearly, but I really tried listening to my head instead of my heart and did not say anything like that back to her, I knew it would help her in the long run if I stuck to my guns. Eventually she said "I could never imagine you with anyone else", to which I said "I can". This broke her heart, I felt it over the phone, gone, blocked, no contact. I felt bad after a day and emailed her saying I'm sorry for what I said, and that I didn't believe it, but I told her I couldn't agree to those things or it will make things worse. She never replied, still hasn't. Two months pass and I was looking at the blocked people I had on my Instagram. I saw her and got too tempted so pressed on her page and saw that she's moved to a town in the UK in her Instagram description?!? (I wish I never looked). She always said she loved the UK and hated Germany, so I'm not surprised she moved here just to be happy, but it's really screwed me up. Is she trying to be close to me again? Surely not? I no longer suppressed my emotions for her, and everything flooded back to the top. It's been two weeks since I looked at her Instagram bio, and I've written, rewritten and edited an email to her about 40 times. I finish work at 5pm, and sometimes end up sitting there still thinking about pressing send until 8/9pm. I've spent so many evenings thinking what to do. I'm ruining my evenings, my weekends, my free time. I've shed many tears these last two weeks, sometimes when I'm putting food in the oven, sometimes just after laughing at a funny video, sometimes going for a walk, I can't control it. I've been close to pressing send twice, but always think that it could completely destroy her, like it's doing to me. I wasn't meant to see that she's in the UK remember, I'm blocked from everything (although you can't block emails), so feel bad. I'm also not sure that it's the right thing to do, do I potentially start up a relationship that has already proven not to work? But it DID work, for so long, we have such a strong deep connection? I feel like I understand a lot more than I did before, but am I the right person for her? Is she the right person for me? I'm definitely still in love with her, but are we meant to be with each other? It's such a huge decision to make, but I want to decide now so I don't waste any more time. It's been 2 horrendous weeks. Christmas is coming up and I don't want to ruin it for either of us, so sending the email now will let things calm down well before then. I can't feel like this until the new year, so waiting until 2021 is not an option. I don't know what to do. Does anyone know some simple questions I can ask myself to make this easier? I do feel like no matter what, I will end up sending something to her :( If she was in Germany this would be so much easier, but she's on my Island! I could drive to her :( Everything i've read online basically says if you get broken up with, don't break the no contact rule. But our story isn't as simple as that, she was the last to confess her love for me. Gah this is so hard. Any advice? Or further things I could say that could help someone give me advice? Thanks for making it to the end if you did. I know people have a lot bigger problems to worry about, and a lot tougher relationships and breakups, so feel kind of guilty with my story, but I don't know where else to turn
  12. Some background about me: I'm a 21F college senior, about to graduate with a dual degree in Public Policy and Economics from a prestigious university, and looking for a life in academia. Recently I've solidified my goals of getting my Ph.D. and doing research and/or being a professor. I'm very satisfied with that, I just want to read, learn, and come up with mind-blowing theories to solve global issues. And I want to share that with others. My path won't be easy, like any college student I struggle with anxiety about my future and all of the uncertainty that comes with it. Some more background: I've always been tall, slim, and pretty. I am ethnically mixed (Native American, West African, and North African) so I have a foreign type of look that a lot of people like. All my life I've gotten suggestions to go into modeling, but I've always dismissed them because not only do my interests lie elsewhere, but I also have little respect for the modeling industry. I know how horrible and demeaning it can be behind the glamor. Recently however I supported my friend's new clothing brand launch by modeling for her website, and I got a lot of positive feedback. The photographer she hired happens to scout for an agency and asked if he could take my digitals before I was "snatched up" by another agency after the photos dropped. Also, I had much more fun than I thought I would have, and was less awkward in front of the camera than I expected. You could say it came naturally. This may seem like a non-issue but I am seriously looking for advice. I am having a hard time reconciling my (extremely) introverted and academic nature with all that can come from modeling. I'm not sure I want that for myself. I am also fiercely critical of social media (I think it's evil), but I do have an Instagram account because that's where I can keep in contact with people I know, so my account is private and I don't have more than 300 followers. If I model, I don't want to have to deal with social media. I'm not fake and materialistic and those things are useful for a life in the public eye. But if I try to maintain my privacy, it might not even be worth trying because my demand might be low being that people don't know I exist. And the people that follow me aren't very supportive either. I have some great pictures posted but I never get any positive feedback. Mostly, people just ignore me. As I said I'm sort of an introvert but I do have a solid group of friends. Maybe they got tired of telling me I should model because they will comment, like, and share for anyone but me. If you have an Instagram, you know that girls will gas each other up in the comments, and repost their friends. I've never experienced that. This is why I avoid social media because I don't want to measure my worth with those metrics. My mom says they're jealous and I need better friends. That may be true. I think modeling could be fun. I'm no longer in the impressionable stage of life that most models are in when they start (at like 13 and 14 years old!), and I already have prospects for my future because of my education and career goals, so I can drop modeling anytime I change my mind. Additionally, I'm broke and come from a poor immigrant family. If I could make some easy cash for them why wouldn't I?? I knew a girl my freshman year of college who was a model, and she would be flown out to LA for a weekend and come back in time for class with $5,000. Plus, I'm significantly taller than she is, and I have the potential to do runway modeling which pays a lot more. All this being said. I'm a quiet girl and very much a nerd. I feel like I would have to push some of my already established and healthy boundaries in order to do this when I could just continue straight into grad school and my career, and find much more fulfillment that way. Just because I'm tall and pretty does not mean I have to model. But I'm only young once, and this could be fun. I come to you for help because this photographer is waiting for me and I don't want to turn down an opportunity for no good reason.
  13. keshi

    Help!

    Hello! Need advice, and dont know who to turn to. I dated my ex for almost two years. During the relationship, we broke up a few times, and had frequent fights. These fights 99% of the time pertained to one thing- other girls. He never cheated on me in the sense that he physically got intimate with other girls, but he would talk and hangout with them behind my back, and would tell his friends how hot they were and how much he wanted to f**ck them. When I saw this, I broke up with him last fall, but we got back together about a month later. Other than these fights, we had a really good relationship. We were best friends, did everything together, and we were genuinely inlove. He was always known as a guy with not much emotion, but everyone said he changed a lot after he started dating me, and I saw it too. I also think it might be important to share we are both sophomores in college (and 20-something guys are stupid). He goes to college in my hometown and I am here because of Covid. We were best friends since freshman year of highschool and started dating senior year of high school. I got very close with his family, and him with mine. When we broke up last fall, there was one girl that he was "friends" with who he spoke and hung-out with a lot. When we got back together, he had posted a picture for thanksgiving of us together. I commented "I love you" and this girl liked the comment. So....weird. This girl was working at a job he just got, and he hid that from me. When I found out, I obviously was very upset which turned into a huge argument. He then broke up with me, and said he knew he would never hear the end of it, and that he wasn't ready for a committed relationship anymore. He kept saying that he, "wasn't ready for marriage". This was around mid august. He blocked me on social media and my number. Eventually after a few weeks, he unblocked my number and my snapchat, but kept my instagram blocked. Since then, there have been a few text exchanges. The night he unblocked me, he drunk texted me and told me he missed me. A few days after that, I lost my cool and yelled at him and used very strong language over text after I saw all the girls (and some of my old friends) that he followed on instagram (I used a different account that he didn't block to look). A week or two after that, I sent a long message asking for an explanation as to why our relationship ended up the way it did, and he said he was happier now, and didn't want to commit to a relationship anymore. This is where the mixed signals come in. I still have him on spotify, and he has a new playlist thats filled with songs that are obviously about us breaking up, they're about heartbreak, losing the one you love, etc. Some of them, are a few of the songs we use to listen to together. I mean, it's OBVIOUSLY an "I miss my ex" kinda playlist. Along with this, he ALWAYS watches my snapchat stories 5-15 minutes after I post them. So, this has me confused. Why is he keeping tabs and being sad if he said he was happier without me?And what was with the drunk text a month ago? I work a few doors down from him, and he walks by atleast 3 times a day (he has to for work, its not voluntary to see me). Everytime he walks past, we make eye contact and he gives me a strange look. A look that says "I love you" but also not. I cant read his face, and I just have given up by now. If he missed me and wanted me back, I know he would text or do something about it. But he can be stubborn and maybe doesn't want to say anything at all in hopes he can move on. I dont want to text him first, because I want him to know Im not a puppy dog at his feet. I haven't said anything for a few weeks now, and I'v been posting me doing fun stuff on my snapchat, but that hasn't made him want me back yet. Or text me. Or try to talk to me. Its so frustrating! Why wont he text me? It's beginning to be a long time since our breakup, and I'm afraid he wont come back or want me again soon. I want him to text me, and tell me that he loves me and that he misses me. What should I do? Best, Keshi
  14. First of all, excuse me for any mistake in English, it is not my official language. Anyway, I would like to "receive" some advice. Well, I (20M) met a woman (24F) in the last year at college. And we understood each other very well, we were having something like a serious relationship, although not "officially". I liked her a lot. And she felt exactly the same. In other words, here it was a happy story (haha). But, because of some old relationships that I had, I acquired some "fears", like serious relationship phobia. Because of that, we only made things official at the beginning of this year. We always saw each other, but with COVID, I ended up coming to my hometown, and she to hers. We kept in touch, obviously, and everything was fine. On my birthday, she gave the idea of coming to my city, to see me, but as I am very stupid, I told her not to do that (I would never forgive myself if she got COVID because of me). Then, a month later, she just broke up (practically a year and a half of relationship). And with that, she exposed some things that I had never touched myself: that I had been selfish at times in the relationship, acted coldly, and so on. And, looking back, I agree. She always said that she doesn't keep in touch with any exes, just age as if they didn't exist. But for some reason, we kept in touch and kept talking. However, I was totally unsure about us and totally wrong (trying to get her back). So I ended up pushing her away and she ended up moving away from me. I started an NC to calm myself down (however, she deleted me from FB and stopped following me on Instagram. Here, whatsapp is quite "important", but in this app she didn't block me or anything). Continuing, after about three weeks, I contacted her (last week) to try to talk about things that we had never talked about since the end, but she was not very receptive, saying that "there is no turning back" and that the " cycle is over ", that we will not live together next year, nor will we talk any more. That the things I learned, I must use for the next people I will meet. Anyway, I love her. And I really wanted to try to get back with her again. And (a very strong trait of mine) I feel very guilty. And now, there's not much I can do (I believe). But, I don't know, I'm exposing it because I wanted to know what other people think about it, and also if there is any kind of hope. Next year, we'll see each other again, I read a lot about "it's about time", but, hahaha, it's horrible to want to talk to someone, see someone and not be able. But, for those who have read this far, excuse me for the long text (and the errors), there are more details, but I believe that is enough.
  15. My ex and I split up about 6 weeks ago. I find it weird that she still follows my gyms instagram account. On top of that, she's only the pictures that my gym would post of me. She wouldn't like anything else. Same goes for the gym where I had initially met her, the posted a picture of me and she liked it. Even when my friends would post pictures on their social media, she would like the pictures of me in it but nothing else from them. Is this weird?
  16. Okay so me and the girl I thought I was going to marry broke up about 3 weeks ago. We were together about a year. She is 20 and I am 24. We met at church and we both have strong Christian values. We have never done anything sexual with each other and didn’t plan on doing so u til marraige. Things started off great. But this damn thing called Covid happened and I was basically out of work for 6 months. I was still getting paid but I was just bored. Long story short I basically became very needy and started for attention and validation. I didn’t have any relationship with my own family and I was living in a state with none of my family there. My ex is going to school full time, has her own t shirt business, and does little jobs on the side. Basically with my neediness I put a lot of emotional baggage on her. The relationship was still going good as I remember in June she told me her whole family thought we were going to stay together forever. We talk on the phone every night as well. In July I noticed her becoming very distant and hot/cold with her behavior. One minute she was great next minute she would show extreme frustration with me (and only me). Finally in August I asked her what was wrong. She told me that she had lost some romantic feels for me and she needed space. She told me not to worry about it though because she still saw a future between us. The Next two weeks were still kind of normal. I cut down my contact with her but she would still invite me over. She would even cook me dinner. We still went out on a date and we even went two a couple of her family functions together. Of coarse me being a dumb when she told me she lost feelings for me my anxiety kicked in and I became even more needy and clingy. I would basically tell her that I’m trying to change and begging her not to leave. Then one night she didn’t text me back and I flipped out. This added even more stress on her and she dumped me about 3 weeks later. Now I did the usual begging and pleading the day she broke up with me which made her very cold. She offered to stay as friends but I declined because my feelings are too strong. I went into no contact two days after the break up. After the first week of the breakup I wrote her an accountability letter saying that i take ownership of the things I did wrong (my neediness) I did not talk to her for 14 days I broke no contact and basically tried telling her that I’m trying to change. Which to my credit I am. I have lost 20 pounds, started therapy, begin reading the Bible to become a deacon in my church, back to work 6 days a week, and reconciled with my family. She basically said “I know you to well. You Will still be clingy if we got back together and there is no stoping that.” She then proceeded to tell me that she has moved on and wants to be alone for a while (I’m 90% positive when I say I believe she wants to stay single and not date other guys but hey I could be wrong). She said there was no chance in us getting back together. Now I think she was acting more out of anger because she is trying to drive the point for me to leave her alone Now I truly believe she still has feelings for me. I say this because: A) Three weeks before breaking up she said she saw a future B) Whenever I reach out she responds immediately(coldly) C) I believe she truly didn’t want the breakup but with my clingy and neediness, I basically forced her too. D) I had a very strong relationship with her family E) She was treating me very well even when she express her doubts Now I sincerely believe that I have a high chance of things working out. I know right now she is very stressed and I need to give her, her space. What do y’all think? Is th8/ relationship worth saving?
  17. I (M26) took my gf (F23) of 1.5 years for granted and neglected her during the last month of our relationship (long-distance due to COVID) after getting burnt out from work, and did not give off the amount of excitement to see her that she expected after both of us returned to the city and I met her parents. She also had a few lingering doubts that I only loved her out of convenience previously since I had prioritized work / career stuff over her at times in the past, and took longer to emotionally open up to her as this was my first ever serious relationship. She felt like I did not put in enough effort, and said maybe we are just incompatible. I will note that she was conflict avoidant and we had 1 fight during our entire time together. She also mentioned me potentially going to grad school in 1+ years as another factor. She did not talk to me about love language (which I did not know existed) until 1 year into the relationship this January, and subsequently she felt February was much better as we spent more time together and had an anniversary trip. We then entered a 4 month LDR due to the quarantine, which combined with my work stress killed our momentum and made emotional detachment easier. She broke up with me without a fight or any sort of warning. After I was too busy to see her 3 days after meeting her parents (only sparsely texted her, and tried to call her once but she did not pick up), she decided to break up with me the next time we were supposed to meet 1v1. I was too blindsided and shocked to respond well, and just accepted her decision while mumbling how I always loved her. We had a follow up conversation 1 week later to discuss, where I did the following: - clarified a few misunderstandings - apologized for my grave mistakes, showed regret + remorse, and asked for forgiveness, citing my lack of relationship experience and immaturity for my mistakes - Got a bit heated in asking her why she never told me about her unmet needs, and why she never communicated when she was unhappy ("why is this the first time I'm hearing about this?" "why couldn't we have had this cathartic conversation 24 hours before the breakup so I would have known about these problems and have had a chance to prove to you I could change?") - told her how I really feel about her (first true love) and the reasons why I love her - proposed 4 tangible changes to our relationship to make this work and offered time for us to think about it. She turned me down at each juncture, as it seemed like she had her mind made up ("apply what you learned to the next girl" - telling me to move on). It's unclear how much of this was due to her feeling the relief stage after dumping me. Some of my takeaways from what she told me during this conversation: - She had a few lingering concerns about the relationship that she never communicated (how she thought I was dating her only b/c my friends were all in serious relationships, how I was not putting in enough effort) - apparently she was not happy in January which was news to me; however, she only made up her mind to break up with me Wednesday of that week (3 days after I met her parents), with the actual breakup conversation taking place Friday. She claimed that she was going to talk to me about her doubts on Friday anyways, but that she was so mad at me that she decided to pull the trigger - She told no one about her doubts all along; her best friends which I had met numerous times apparently all disagreed with her initial decision to break things off that way (probably due to lack of communication) - She thought I was about to break up with her due to the neglect (I was not, I was suffering burnout syndrome and was in an antisocial rut from being cooped up at home alone for too long) - She felt that maybe we were incompatible (I disagreed, saying that these problems could have been solved with better communication) - She felt like I prioritized work and other life obligations stuff over her, and that maybe she just wanted to be in a situation where she was always prioritized first. (I admitted that I was wrong, and said that the breakup showed me the necessity of better time management and prioritization from me); however, I had hoped the entire time that she would understand, given she is a consultant who traveled 4 days per week for work pre-COVID, which limited the amount of time we could spend together - She was not willing to give me a chance despite this being the first time I was aware of these issues ("don't want be in a situation where I have to see if a guy really changed or not") - She originally was very mad at me and told me that we shouldn't be friends either. After hearing my side of the story, she must have felt guilty and asked if I could see a path to friendship down the road (I told her I wasn't sure if or when, since this was my first breakup) - She said that her mind was mostly made up, but that if I had reacted in a more passionate / strong way during the original breakup conversation maybe her mind would have changed. (I told her that blindsiding me in the lawn of a crowded park was a terrible spot to do it as I got anxiety attacks during the breakup) - She was mostly monotone for the conversation, with 2 exceptions - she got really angry when I mixed up her secondary and primary love languages (swapped them in order), and she started crying when we started catching each other up on our new apartments during the middle of the conversation ("I just realized how easy it could be for us to go back to the way things were") - At the end, she said she loved me and cared for me, but that we should both move on and try to heal from this; she also wanted me to keep her updated on how big life events for me go (e.g., grad school admissions) In hindsight, there were problems with our relationship like a imbalanced dynamic that probably led me to take her for granted and for her to be afraid to communicate (I was 2.5 years older than her, and was more mature / developed than her in career, self-esteem, hobbies - the only area I was less mature than her in was relationships and being open with emotions). However, if the trust and emotional connection can be restored, I feel like I know what I need to do to make this work (along with additional self-improvement goals I have set for myself post BU). My ex is a reasonably mature and level-headed person, but definitely has immature tendencies (when she [falsely] thought her manager backstabbed her, she came to me as a crying trainwreck and needed me to calm her down for an hour). She is also close to her asian mother, who I could see giving her advice on never reconciling with an ex. Lastly, we both live in a large city, and I could see her being less willing to settle as someone only 2 years out of college - however, she is definitely a good girl (does not sleep around, and takes sex / intimacy / relationships relatively seriously). She is an amazing person in every regards besides her confidence, conflict avoidance and insecurities, and I feel like a reconciliation would totally be worth it if both of us recognized our mistakes and was mutually willing to make this work. I am now 30 days past the breakup and 22 days NC. We still follow each other on social media (with all of our pictures together still up) though I have muted all of her BFF's accounts (she does not post much herself). Before I muted her BFF's accounts, their stories featuring her seemed to show her happy (with one story "celebrating" - most likely their new apartment, but possibly also the breakup). However, she still consistently views my instagram stories when I do post. My plan is to start trying to move on while doing either: - indefinite no contact - no contact for 3-4 months and see how I feel about her before reaching out to reconnect. Given these situations, does anyone think it is likely for her to change her mind down the road given that part of her concerns for the breakup were invalid, and that I think she still loves me or is attached to me to some extent? Should I be doing anything different besides NC (e.g. should I reach out again 2 months NC to take her pulse, send a genuine apology letter)? Any thoughts would be appreciated!
  18. My wife of 9 years, dating for 12 told me she needs space to work through her past grief or she feels like she's going to explode. I resisted the 'space' at first because in my mind that's a separation and seems marriages often don't come back from separations. I realized I defined the space this way and apologized to her. I told her I support her and she has been staying at her friend’s house for the past week. We have 2 daughters, 7 & 4. My wife has been FaceTiming them a few times this week and my daughters can FaceTime her as well. My wife has come to the house on Thursday to tuck them in (she left the Monday morning before) so she is attempting to see them while she grieves. Her back story - My wife's grief stems from the loss of her mother when she was an early teenager (cancer), the loss of her grandma shortly after, and then her father moving the 2 youngest siblings (12 & 14) several thousand miles away while the 2 oldest siblings (17 & 19) choose to stay in their hometown. The moved happened because he met a woman online shortly after his wife's passing. As you can imagine, this devastated my wife as an early teenager. Moving to a new country without any emotional support of her lifelong friends, huge family, or simply being able to visit her mother’s grave and her dad being checked out on top of it allowed her not to grieve - she just internalized it all. This, of course, led to some destructive behaviors as a teenager that she still regrets to this day. My wife has had a couple of good length relationships and just came out of one when we met. She was 22 and I was 27. My back story - My grief stems from abandonment issues of my childhood/adolescence/life... I'm a military brat which was part of the reason i attended a different school from Kindergarten until 10th grade. I could always make good friendships, but they were always short lived because we would move again. My parents divorced when I was 7, my mom remarried shortly after when I was 8/9-ish, divorced again when I was 14/15 and then my mom remarried with I was 16/17, but I was in a serious relationship with my gf and spent most of my time with her, some friends, at church, or playing football. I attended college in a different city but maintained a long term relationship with my gf and we married in 2003 when I was 22. Our marriage lasted 5 years before her infidelity ended it. We were together 12 years 2 months. And then I met my Current wife, 2 months after my high school sweetheart left (2008) Our back story - My wife and I began talking and had a good connection immediately (2008). We broke up a few times because I was struggling with filing for divorce (abandonment issues much...) despite there was no relationship or communication with my HS sweetheart/spouse. We attempted to reconcile, but it didn’t last a week.. I filed for divorce about a year after I met my wife and it allowed us to get back together. In 2011 my wife and I married. We've moved around a few times having our 2 daughters along the way, but found our way back to the area where we met. This is the longest we've been in one place at 3.5 years. We have an amazing home that we've put some sweat equity in, beautiful yard that's like a park, just installed a pool and got a dog. Our relationship has been great! We have made fantastic memories and really do have a beautiful life. EVERYTHING anyone could ever ask for in life, and not in a material way. I don't say this out of ego, but I am a really good husband and father and she is a great wife and mother. Things are great, or so I thought. My wife started back to school to become a nurse and accomplish a goal of picking up her bachelor’s degree. She met some great friends and they have been spending lots of time together, which I support. She has always had great friendships and when we moved away and had babies, it was difficult for either of us to find friends so it's great she has made great friendships. Her new best friend confided in her as they commuted to school together that she wasn’t happy. That she was thinking about leaving her husband. My wife was a good listener and would attempt to intervene when her friend would think about doing something that could devastate the marriage before she decided to divorce or not. My wife told me everything her friend was going through bc we have a great relationship that we share/discuss/not judgement zone. Her friend filed for divorce last summer. My wifes sister has been dealing with some similar grief issues herself and her spouse doesn’t support her much. She doesn’t have friends and doesn’t have support other that my wife. So my wife has been hearing from 2 of her closest people about bad relationships and divorce and has even commented that she has it great and wishes they had what we have. Last May when school was out for summer, Sarah said she's having issues with her past grief/anxiety and that she's not happy, but her not happy wasn't with our relationship. I encouraged her to seek counseling like she had done a few years previously and she wanted to get back on the meds she was on when she had post-pardom depression with our first daughter so she got back on them and definitely helped with the anxiety, especially with the heavy load of nursing school. Things were good (or seemed so). We went on 3 awesome vacations to make up for the time that we didn't get to spend as a family while she was in school. She would study every night and I practically did everything (until she fired me from doing laundry, lol). I put my high stress & great job track on the back burner and focused on taking care of everything at home. Sarah even thought that moving to Boston would be where she wanted to be. I interviewed for jobs and attempted to move us, but ultimately, she said shes developed great friendships and has a job coming up so she wants to stay here now. We have a modern relationship as we firmly believe in contributing to equally to household duties. We have our 'division of responsibilities' which definitely helps know who does what and we def equally contribute. I promise you, if our life were on Instagram, it would be one of those that everybody wants. It is fantastic for both of us. I’m not making this up. Sure we have our arguments, but we have great relationship. Our summer was a great time of connecting and we would discuss her meds/grief/happiness/seeking counseling. All was good. School started back up again before she started counseling. We made it through the last year of school and of course, the Corona hit... This definitely put a damper on my wife's attitude. We followed social distancing protocols (of course, she's about to be a new nurse! lol) but you could see she was getting stir crazy and of course i was working from home. Crazy time for everybody. As soon as she could, she was seeing friends again, making plans to hike with friends, etc, but never making time/plans for us to do anything. It's almost like as her friendship grew, as her relationship with her sister grew, as she finished school which is such a confidence boost that she began having less time for me. I brought this up to her several times, but she just dismissed it as she needs to get out of the house bc of the Corona. We still never planned anything. Everything was about her friends/sister/hiking/tubing saying it was all for therapy. She definitely wasn't out partying or anything, but she also wasn't making time for me. No infidelity on anybody's part, but the distancing is difficult for me to deal with, especially since she's doing things i would love to do with her. I was an avid hiker back in the day and would love to spend that time/experience with her. Now to the Recent stuff - a little over a week ago she told me she wasn't happy again. That she's never dealt with her grief and NEEDS to do that. She asked about getting away for a few days and, in hindsight, I should have agreed because it seems like that would have been good and might have 'return date'. Instead i defined it as a separation and that 87% of marriages don't get back together after a separation (damn you Google! haha). Over the course of a day or so, we discussed it more and i kept pushing back, but eventually agreed to support and trust her, just like i always do, but i was definitely having issues with my abandonment issues and it was bringing up stuff from my past that was hard to ignore. There are soo many similarities in how my ex left to what my spouse is doing/has done, except for the infidelity. The hiking/new friends/distancing/etc. I recognize all of these are healthy things especially to clear your head, but because they are exactly the same from previous, it puts me in a bad place. When my ex left there was absolutely no hope. She cheated multiple times and wanted a separation. She kept cheating during the separation and was not in communication with me. It's similar but completely different this time. My wife needs some space to work on her self, is in counseling, we go to marriage counseling, and we talk/text multiple times daily. She left on Monday morning to stay with a friend. She went to her first counseling session and called me afterword and told me in an upbeat good mood saying all of this is about her unresolved grief and it has nothing to do with our marriage and we're going to be great in the end! Fantastic news! Awesome! It was day 1. Night 1 was a totally different scenario, because i'm an idiot and insecure and reliving my past grief. as my wife said to me, the body recognized trauma. My body definitely started recognizing trauma and my insecurities came out in the middle of the night. I saw that she had facetimed the girls but never bother to call/text me that evening. Granted we talked/text during the day, but what's common sense have to do with grief! lol. Definitely don't have a few bourbons when your wife leaves - it only makes it worse. So of course i self-sabotaged. I happened to come across an old ipad of hers earlier in the day and thought nothing of it. In the wee hours of the morning when i could sleep (literally got no sleep that night) i cracked it open and attempted to login into stuff. i only did it for a little bit and realized how wrong i was and insecure i was being. This is not what she needed and definitely doesn't come across as supporting/trusting her. Of course, this caused her get notifications that someone was trying to hack her accounts. That made day 2 a bit uncomfortable and probably caused some damage... We discussed my actions and she shared that night 1 was rough for her too.. At her friends house, she had a few glasses of wine and cried all night to her 2 friends that were there. We discussed how this sucks for both of us but it's what's best for Her. Definitely not what seems like best for Me. And that's the biggest problem. I keep making this about me! We've talked/texted everyday this week. We attended our first marriage counseling session on Thursday (first time i saw here since she left) and that was a disaster bc i made it about me again. I thought maybe we could ride together, but instead of asking her, i waited for a text that never came. so approx an hour before the session i told her i'd see her there and to drive safe. I was trying to protect myself from her declining my inquiry, but i did more damage. She said she would have wanted to ride together, just wasn't something she thought of yet. (how do you not think of it - oh yeah, you're dealing with grief and this isn't about me...) We ended up riding together, but i was in a foul mood bc it seemed she didn't want to be with me. me and the counselor argued a bit because i felt she was shutting my feelings down, but i was wrong and in a bad place. damn it. I dropped my wife off at her car and she said she'll pick the girls up from daycare if i'll pick up the food. so she came over and we ate but then the dog got attacked by a deer... yep, a deer. so we had to rush to vet and get checked out. of course, my wife feels guilty about this because she let the dog out but its not her fault. another thing for her to grieve and be distant about... ugh. she stayed to put the kids to bed and then we chatted for a bit. again i made it about me and cried that i want her in my life and that this process sucks too much. I told her i'm afraid she's doing this as a trial divorce. i'm stupid and grieving myself. I told her i don't understand how you're going to work thru your stuff and become better at your friends house, away from your family. She says she needs the independence and not being here helps her focus on herself. not having to worry about the kids or me, but all she's done is worry about me and the kids. completely my fault for continuing to make it about me. The next day, she came over in the morning to drop off the Jeep that she has so that i could tow some equipment - we installed a pool and now there's crazy yard work to do and somebody's got to do it. She came over after her work orientation and of course, i unloaded and cried like a baby. telling her all the same ol stuff again and again, blabbering like a fool. a fool madly in love with her. she cried a bunch too but said she doesnt know about us because she doesn't know about anything. she has no answers and just needs time. I completely get it, but don't like it. We cried (a lot), we laughed (some), we embraced, we hugged, we kissed (just on the lips). I asked her if we could go hiking next friday, i'd take the day off and could go do a hike she's been wanting to do, but nobody else will go with her. her response floored me. She said she needs to ask her therapist... Soooo she wants to come spend time with me on Father's Day (her choice) but has to ask the therapist if she can spend time with me to hike? not the response i thought i'd get. I'm trying to work on our relationship to keep our bond, but maybe it's too early for that. but then, whens the right time before it's too late... this sucks. Then i had to go to get my hair cut and she was going with her friend that she's staying with to tube down the river. She said as a form of therapy. I truly do get it. definitely therapeutic and a great way to get away from all the grief and thoughts swirling around in ones head. If you've never been tubing, you should try it. This isn't whitewater rafting. it's simply slowly floating down a river seeing nature from a raw perspective. I was ok with it. my issue with any of her hiking/tubing/etc has been more the jealously/enviousness as i'd love to spend that time with her or doing those things. instead i'm at home watching the kids 24/7 and working from home in a high stress position. It just all sucks and i keep making it about myself. I'm grieving and dealing with the past grief/trauma of my life all at the same time. ouch. I am starting counseling on Wednesday (first appt i could get, even telehealth). I don't want to keep making the same mistakes and pushing her away or making her define what going on. I keep putting myself into my work, then the yard, then cleaning the house (and laundry!), but of course, I wasn't dealing with the grief of losing my wife. I realize that now and trying to deal. That's why i'm on this board. to vent, to seek a safe space to share, to talk, to open up like i've never opened up before and it's therapeutic (for the moment). I was sad all day yesterday after seeing my wife. i cried all day. unfortunately, i even cried in front of the kids several times after picking them up from daycare, but they were rockstars and told me it going to be ok. they gave me hugs/kisses/snuggles and helped take the edge off. My wife text me on the way to tubing/while on the river/on the way back. we even talked per my text request. she called when she got service again and we chatted for a few min. i wanted to tell her how great the kids did amongst me not keeping it together. The kids had told her via facetime that i cried a few times. I partly wanted to talk about the kids, but i really just wanted to hear her voice again. I didn't unload, but did tell her i was sad and missed her. She said the same, but with less emotion than me. I did ask about the river and looked forward to seeing the pics. Shes been planning to come over on Saturday to spend time with the kids and then again on Sunday for Father's day, if i'm ok with it. Of course i am, but i don't want to be a mess. I just want things to go smooth and be great like usual. I asked her on friday to set my expectations straight about this weekend. I put myself out there and elaborated - i have hopes she'll be either stay Saturday night to be here in the morning for breakfast (we're a big breakfast at the table family) and then spend the day Sunday, and maybe things will go well and she'll stay again... of course, that's not what she thinks will be good for her. She wants to come over on Saturday for just a couple of hours (no clue when but i didn't push for a time - door is open anytime) and then she'll come over Sunday/Father's Day and we're all going to go for a Jeep ride because that's what i'd like to do as a family. She didn't define how long she'll be here on Father's day, and again, i didn't seek to clarify. door is open. I'm trying to make progress and our communication is great via text/phone, but i break down in person. part of me thinks it's not a good idea for her to come over, but the other part longs to see her and spend the day as a family because it may be the last time ever, even if it's not the same as before - which it won't be... But i'll be glad to spend time with her. I got some sleep last night but woke at 3am - so instead of internalizing or cleaning, i journaled. it was good and got some thoughts on paper. i got back in bed and slept for another couple of hours getting up at 7am to journal some more and re-read my journal entries from this week. what a roller coaster. i'm definitely internalizing too much and making this all about me when its all about her and her grief, i just don't want to lose US, our family, our relationship, our dreams, our life, goals, etc. it just sucks. I can comprehend that life goes on, i know this from previous experience. I know there's 'other fish in the sea' and all that crap, but i don't want another fish. I want this one and this life and everything we've built together! I keep telling myself i'm not in control of her actions or anything that’s happening really, but i can have an influence slightly with my behavior and so far i'm doing a horrible job. I can only control MY actions even though its really difficult when grieving. "if i just tell her how much i miss her, she’ll understand and come back". Nope. not gonna happen. All i can do is focus on me, but that soo hard to do when i'm thinking about her and having to handle everything at the house with the kids, you know, feeding them, swim lessons, daycare 3 days a week, etc. I completely understand why she had to get out to work on herself. Its really difficult to do with soo many distractions. I just pray she gets through it and comes back, soon. Looking forward - My wife starts her new job on 6/29 and she probably won't be back home for that. I can't help but feel like she's starting a new chapter without me/us/family. How can people return to their family when they've started a new chapter? She's supposed to be working on herself, but now she'll be working 3, 12 hour shifts while staying at her friends. It feels like she's starting a new life. The following week is July 4th. That was the night we met 12 years ago. Coincidentally, its approx the same amount of time of my first marriage. My HS sweetheart left/separated at 12 years, 2 months. My wife left to work on herself at 11 years, 11 months. Ugh. All these similarities. I try not to think about them bc my wife is not my ex, but why is everything lining up similarly? I get that i'm making it about me and i'm finding these similarities - and i shouldn't bc that just makes it worse. double ugh... Is my 'Relationship Shelf Life' 12 years? lol. I get that she probably won't be back for July 4th/12 years, but i pray that she'll get to a point that she says "its time to go home and continue working on things WITH my family" or something to that effect. One of my fears i'm having is that she starts her job (hasn't worked since mid 2010 due to high risk pregnancy, stay at home mom, nursing school) and when she gets her first pay check, she either deposits it in a new bank account or withdrawals it all. Why am i even thinking this far out about it?? None of this on her part is premeditated. I'm just in my own head waayyy too much and trying to protect myself from the circumstances or what may become... I love my wife and will do anything for her. What i should be doing is letting her be and grieve and not make this about me. I have that clarity/objectivity to know that so why can't i just do it. Stop over thinking everything like i always do and just take it day by day. text by text. and whatever happens, happens... ugh. I know i'll be alright in the end, its just the journey to get there i'm afraid of. What if, what if, what if, pain, pain, pain, sorrow, loss, grief, suckfest, children hurting, all of it. damn it. All i can do is day by day, focus on myself while handling everything because i have no one to help. I big piece i forgot to mention in this novel is that i don't have any close friendships - i lost those in the first divorce (he's married to my ex's sister...) and it's difficult to make friends outside of work. on top of that, the relationship with my mom is non-existent as she was/is horrible to my wife and she no-showed my daughters birthday and then lied about it. lots of drama around her for another post... haha ; but point being i don't have anyone or any help so its difficult to focus on myself. daycare 3 days a week and iPads are the best thing i have. granted iPads are the best option for the kids, but i have to have time to grieve and move on with my life - let the cards fall where they may. I look forward to our marriage counseling even though we both agree we don't like her, but its a time/date circled on the calendar that i get to see my wife. I look forward to my individual counseling session as well. I pray for the best outcome possible and i do have hope our relationship will work. there are lots of little things that say it can and will. our communication was always pretty good, but now its great. despite her being away, she's still contacting me. I hope it's not out of guilt and just to see that im ok so she can not feel guilty... This week's probably going to tell us a lot about what may come. Does she keep communicating with me or does she start putting distance between us? Does the children visitation become more formal (she’ll see them on XYZ dates) or does it stay how it is and comes over randomly to see them? I pray her counseling session on Monday goes really well and that she makes progress on her grief. I know counselors don't necessarily tell you what to do, but i hope my wife gets some clarity that spending time with the family/me is good for her and can give her hope. My wife hasn't said she doesn't want to be in this relationship, that shes just confused/not sure about anything in her life including herself. On top of all this, this Tuesday is the anniversary of her mothers passing. Tuesday is going to be VERY difficult for her and it physical pains me not to be there for her. Every year I have taken the day off to be with her, or around, or not – whatever she wants me to do to support her, and this is the first time I’m not allowed to be there for her. I usually get her flowers and a card so I’m going to do just that. I have a card and plan to get flowers on Tuesday and then drop them off. Give her a hug, say I understand and I Love you. I just want her to be ok and know that I’m still there for her. I won’t make it about me anymore. It’s about her. Everything I’ve done is about and for her, so I’m not going to make it about me other than seeking counseling and working on myself.  I write all this really to be therapeutic for myself, to get it out there instead of just a journal. Like i said, i don't have ANYBODY in my life that i can talk with other than my wife and a counselor. I'm making baby steps to meet some people/go to support group, etc. So if you've read all of this, i apologize for putting ALL of my thoughts on paper and the internet. yikes! If you respond, i ask that you be respectful of what i'm going through and your responses. i understand plenty of others have went through similar situations and survived. Hell, i myself have before! :) I know everything will be ok eventually, regardless of the outcome. We're both finally seeking healthy ways of dealing with our stuffs, i just wish my wife would attempt to do it from the house again... Thanks for listening. Thanks for not judging, Thanks for allowing this to be a therapeutic session for me. Thanks for giving me somebody to talk to.
  19. Hello Everyone I recently helped my husband with an issue with his instagram, which was linked to his facebook account. A while later, when I wanted to go into my own facebook I saw I was still logged into his and there was a message from a childhood friend he had recently reconnected with. The message was a call log of a video call that happened a few days before, past 3 am, and it was 21 minutes long. Naturally I wondered why they would be having this video call at that time. I didn't even know what this lady looked like yet and only saw her face for the first time from her profile picture that was attached to the message. I looked at this message a long time and then decided to ask my husband what the situation behind it was. Now, I didn't expect anything dodgy, so didn't even think to take a screen grab of it, but almost as soon as I sent him this message via whatsapp, the facebook message I was looking at disappeared. He denied having the video call and said he doesn't phone people at that hour. He is currently stuck working overseas because of the Corona lockdown. The lady lives in the same country as us, a short drive away. He also quickly changed his facebook password, in case it was hacked. I don't know what hacker would have a video call with the hacked person's friend, but okay. When I saw the message disappeared I was naturally concerned and we had an argument about it, to the extent where asked this lady to message me. I received a message from her assuring me that my husband has always just been like a big brother to her and that she loves her husband and kids very much. Both of them assumed that I was accusing them of an affair. The lady implied it and my husband out right said it. I think that is a natural assumption considering the circumstance. She said her facebook account was hacked recently and she has two accounts. I told her the about the profile pic that was attached the the message and she then confirmed that this was the original hacked one apparently. She also said that she is too tired from her treatments to stay up so late. She has cancer. And according to my husband, it is not very optimistic. This is what makes me feel so bad. This lady is sick, and could quite possibly die and I am concerned about this video call that mysteriously vanished. My husband says that sometimes technology glitches but this, to me, is way to specific to be an error in programming. Am I overreacting? Edit: Addition, Both of them said they use whatsap for messages and not facebook messenger. This lady was extremely friendly to me over the messages and said she really wanted to meet me before. She mentioned my wedding anniversary date, and a few things my husband has done recently so they definitely talk. Both of them said they didn't know anything about the video call and denied it as if it was just some facebook mistake.
  20. I have written about my ex before, we ended in October last year, stopped seeing each in February and I went NC then. He blocked me on everything, but unblocked my Whatsapp to send a Valentines day text, which I ignored. I text him in March when lockdown was announced to make sure he was okay (lives alone and vulnerable) - he replied all fine. It was literally just a "clear the conscience" type of thing - I will never not be an uncaring person, and despite everything he did if he really needed someone in his hour of need and/or he was admitted to the hospital, I would really want him to know that I didn't hate him (I know that's ridiculous), and that I was there for help him if no one else could. Anyway. I didn't expect to engage in a conversation - just a statement I sent ending with "no need to reply, just thought you should know." He replied immediately basically saying he was surprised to have heard from me, he appreciates it bla bla bla. We did some back and forth short messages, and he didn't end up reading the last one I sent. Fair enough. I ended up blocking him about a week after I sent the text because I just thought it was a good time to do it - I had effectively said what I needed to - I was a contact if he needed help (I didn't block phone calls), so the block was just to make sure we didn't reenter that talking phase (when we broke up in October we consistently text each other EVERY DAY with very long paragraphs and 5 hour phone calls, and it was draining and confusing.) Anyway, I was fine going NC (I think it's been 72 days now or something like that after I blocked) apart from the last few weeks. I have been having horrible dreams and constantly thinking about it. I think I have come to realize that maybe I was a toxic force in the relationship too, as I have a lot of self-esteem issues. That obviously doesn't excuse his behaviour, but I perhaps understand why I triggered some of the behaviours. I also saw that he was still following me on another instagram account, and all his friends were too. I ended up deleting my insta and basically all social media because I just feel so bored with it all. Anyway, I got a new phone today. I'm pretty sure I read somewhere that all blocked numbers stay blocked on it. I obviously scroll down to check that my ex is still blocked - and he is, BUT - my last message from March this morning was read (two blue ticks) yesterday at 10am. I don't know why but I threw my phone down kinda half in horror. I'm not sure why this has upset me so much. I guess it's because I think he could have sent a message I'll never get (likely), or that he is browsing my messages because he misses me (unlikely), or he has accidentally clicked on it (likely). But it's got my head thinking - why yesterday? why did he read it? Part of me thinks he must know he's blocked right - your picture disappears from your contact when blocked? I don't really know what my question it, I just feel overwhelmed like I have gone looking for a reason to think about it again? It's just a coincidence that the one time I check, he has read the damn message like 24 hours before. I guess I just need some sense knocked into me, I was doing well and then something so small upsets me this much. I'm an idiot
  21. My ex boyfriend (we split in February) is still trying to stay in contact with me - we had a very toxic relationship as he was often lying and hiding things from me. I found it difficult to let go as he was saying comments to me like “if you walk away, there is no point me being here anymore” which put an awful amount of strain on my mental health. However 3 weeks ago I decided to send a message letting him know that I couldn’t support him anymore as I need to look after my own mental health now. He didn’t understand this. He thinks I’m being selfish. However now he’s getting really suffocating, messaging me 50+ times a day, monitoring how often I’m online on whatsapp and asking me if I’m speaking to someone every time I am. I’ve blocked him on Instagram however he has told me he’s set up a new account (which I don’t know the name of) to check who I follow (I’m on private so he counts the numbers), he does this many times a day, and if he sees any numbers go up he constantly asks if I’m following any new guys or what picture I have uploaded. I’ve also seen him visit my town (20+ miles away from his home). He’s asked me to see him when he’s here but I refuse as it won’t help the situation. He told me he’s going to try over 100 times until I give in. I feel like I can’t live my life, I feel like I can’t breathe. I don’t know what to do. I feel like a social media detox would help but it’s a shame I have to stop these things just because of him. Any advice please 😞
  22. I have been in a relationship as friends and casual lovers for 5 years with a great person whom I have fallen in love with. We have been dating for 1 year and have become engaged for past 3 months. We have 20 years between us in age. My partner was rather permiscuous throughout life when we first met for us it was innocent good meeting and proper build of a relationship with a little I'd say too quick sex at start. I slowed that down right away and we became best frinds and now engaged. I put up with the other people as we were not comitted and it was never in my face and I saw it as still finding ones self after my partner had a bad teen and younger years with partners. The issue. My partners social media has a pile of ex lovers ex Partners amd ex just s lol. I dont think my partner should have any exs unless they are parents of the kids on any social media or phone contact list or media feed. My partner disagrees sees nothing wrong with ex lovers and s on Face book instagram snap chat messenger text. I cleaned my social media of all potential and past dates on my social media when we became serious last year. I suggested my partner do the same. Ingot anger defensive approach total deflection and agression and complete refusal then blocked me from all social media. Eventually cooler heads prevailed back on partners FB but told very clearly dont ever raise that issue im just jealous. With arguments like if I cant trust then we have no relationship. I left it and said I didnt ask you to do anything i suggested and showed what I did as an example. Zero interest in changing. We have been back and forth on this for months and as I catch exs making stupid comments or read messages that ask for sex or obvious get togethers I get in a fight as i state this is why they need gone off your page. They mean nothing to our life today and future. My partner says that nothing occured never responded ignored the comment or stayed look I'm inna relationship and not interested. My position is that's good but delete them so it does not happen we have no room innyour life for them. So am I wrong to want and expect my partner to delete all past lovers s and single people who are trying to hook up? Side not my partner is very attractive and cant walk down a street without getting asked out. Which is fine I just dont expect them to follow on FB a week later then become friends on FB 2 weeks after that. Second part to social media my partner has snap chat and refuses to friend me amd Instagram changed the snap chat from the one with many friends to a new one with just 1 but still wont let me on as a friend. Then recently stopped using the instagram profile with 350 people on it opened a new one without deleting the old one amd now has 50 friends and added me. The other one just sits there. Am I wrong to expect a separation of life from past to present and cut ties with exs or am I just too old and out of touch with new way? I'm 59 my partner is 36. Thoughts cause I am told I am just jealous and out of touch with social media ways for the modern times. Lol.
  23. My girlfriend and I (F/F) have been broken up till the end of March (both 21 years and in a stable and happy relationship for 2 years). The relationship has always been great, we were made for eachother and everything seemed to go perfectly until the last two months. In September 2019 I spent a six-month internship, until February 2020, in which we saw only one week in November and for the Christmas holidays and everything was wonderful like always (she told me that). I came back from this experience at the beginning of February and she tells me that she loves me but that it’s not like the start of the relationship. I panic and we spend all February to see few times and March to fight, until the beginning of quarantine because of the Coronavirus (we should have left together for a trip at the beginning of March, her idea to celebrate the two years anniversary, we were really looking for this trip to spend some time togheter after the six months apart. Until February everything was going well, we were going out like normally, she was fine with me and she said/demonstrated it continuously (she asked me to plan our holidays in the summer, talking about all the stuff that we wanted to do after the exams). In March we did nothing but fight, the quarantine (that started for my country at the very beginning of March) has led us to move even further and eventually to leave without even being able to see us. Throughout the month she had been cold (always telling me that she loved me, but only as a response to my “I love you” but always chatting and facetiming eachother) and I did not help the situation, coming back from the six-month journey very sad and confused about my life and clinging to her to seek confirmation and seeing her as the only positive thing in my life. The last day of the relationship (27th of March, the day before we had made a two hours videocall talking about light subjects) we talk normally and in the evening comes out the subject, she says that she loves me but it is no longer like before, that I deserve to be happy and she can not make me happy (it wasn’t unexpected as we talked about breaking up and never found the courage to do it because she loved me). We call each other on the phone and we cry all the time, she apologizes for hurting me, she says that I’m a wonderful person and that I deserve the best but even if she tried so hard she couldn’t pretend to love me like before, that she wants to keep up with my life if and when I want, that she wanted to be there next to me to make me feel good even though she was the cause of my pain. All through February and March we met about ten times (after five months apart) and we constantly talked about these problems, I couldn’t understand what she said to me (because I was afraid of losing her) and she didn’t understand why she felt this way towards me, accusing herself and crying all the time while I was trying to pretend that was all like before. She also added that it would be more correct to see and talk about it in person (she added this during the breakup, but even in the days before, adding that we were trying to resolve issues but the quarantine had blocked us) but because of Coronavirus could not continue to make me feel bad (I was constantly on the phone hoping she would write to me, ask me to call us and I was no longer finding the strength to do anything) for at least another two months and resolve this situation at the end of the quarantine. She never explicitly told me that she no longer loved me, only that the love she felt was no longer the same as before and that she preferred to leave and break up with a good memory rather than continue something that would make us hate in the end. Immediately after the breakup I started no contact because I needed some time apart (I told her to not write me for some time), working on myself to feel good, solving the problems that I had, still working on it. She didn't write me for my birthday at the start of May and I wrote to her a text 10 days after, asking how she was and she immediately responded, apologizing for not contacting me on my birthday because she didn’t want to intrude or ruin my day (I didn't even mention my birthday in the first text). We talked a little bit about college, and I told her I wanted to see her and talk about what I realized in this two months apart. She told me that she didn’t expecting this, asked me what I thought, and that she didn’t think it was a good idea to see eachother. I explained that I had been thinking a lot about what had happened and I would like to tell her and listen to her thoughts (because when we broke up we were both crying and upset), she told me that seeing us would not be a good idea. She added that she didn’t want to hurt me by refusing to met, but neither did she want to start the process of getting better again, adding that she has only positive memories about me, but that she couldn’t see me now. She said she’d want to hear from me in the future about how I’m doing and what’s new in my life because she care about me and she loves me, but seeing me now would be hurting herself. I asked her why she thought I wrote to her and she said that she thought I wanted to know how she was doing, that she was glad to hear from me and that she would write to me in the future too. She added that even this conversation upset her, that it’s too soon for her to write me and she can’t handle the emotions she caused her; that she can’t go back to how she was two months ago because she’s trying to get better slowly and see me would make her panic (she told me that just chatting with me had her struggle) I asked her how to behave to respect her spaces, she told me that in the future we will write to know how we are doing and how it’s going, but it’s too soon now. She wished me luck and the conversation was over. This was not an abusive relationship on either side, either physically or mentally. It was a healthy, respectful relationship. (I feel the urge to add this because I was shocked by such a sudden reaction, she seemed afraid of confrontation, afraid of me.) I care about her, I don’t want to do anything to hurt her and a month is passed, so how should I behave? I also care for my mental health and this situation feels to me like it doesn't have a proper end, with her not being clear for the reasons in the breakup and expressing the will to talk to me again in the future. Why did she react like that? (it seems that I dumped her and then write to her again when it was her decision that I accepted, she made all by herself). Should I give up hope of starting a relationship with her again? Why did her feel the need to tell me that in the future we will talk to eachother and see how it goes? I already heard to "give up, move on, forget her" and I'm doing it (I'm not crying everyday in my room, I take care of myself and all that inspirational stuff). I'm looking for a serious opinion on this situation. She still see all my stories and my friends's stories on Instagram and she had put a "like" in my Instagram post yesterday (it was a picture of me). I should mention that in September she will move away from our city due to study and I still don’t know if I’m gonna go in the same city as her (for study reasons) or I’m gonna stay in our current city. (I’m adressing this thing because at the end of the relationship she was very concerned about it and didn’t see a future for us as a couple in a distance relationship, after that we spent five months apart). Thanks for your time :)
  24. I put a post about my ex and how I started NC. She contacted me that night asking if I was okay and we started to talk again, then she started to ignore me while being online.. so I blocked her again and then rang her the next day asking why she treats me so badly, she says she doesn't.. then said she will message me later, she did so and we had another conversation.. to where I tried ring her but she was on the phone for 2 hours at 12am.. She then rang my friend and told my friend to remember that I broke up with her, so my friend said you need to block her because she isn't strong enough so my ex replied I will speak to her tomorrow.. I recieved no message but I knew she wasn't very well, so I rang her asking if she is okay, she said she isn't well but will call me later.. I messaged her later on because I noticed she was online and asked if she needed anything, she blatantly ignored me so I got pissed off and blocked her again.. she messaged me on instagram and said that she isn't well but baring in mind her house mate sent me a snapchat of them drinking 🥺.. so I didnt reply at all, then today I noticed after 4 months of not posting a picture on Instagram, she posts a new picture.. this evening I went the shop and she saw me but completely blanked me.. so I messaged her tonight and said that I miss her and can she ring me, I tried to call her and she said, I'm at work I'll ring when I can.. I replied look, have I done something, she turned around and said she can't do the arguing anymore, so I said okay, I miss you as a friend and just tell me what you want me to do, whether you want to talk or not I'll respect your decision. I just can't for the life of me, understand why she hasn't blocked me but ignores me and only speaks to me now and then, I'm waiting on a reply and she's online now but hasn't seen my message.. my heart is breaking and I dont know what to do
  25. So this might be a long one but I'll try and get everything in as briefly as possible. I met my ex about a year ago at a party in a club. At the time I was single enjoying life and had been seeing a few different girls off and on and was open to something serious but not really looking for it. I went on a first date with her after getting her number and found her very sweet and nice but wasn't sure if it would lead to anything. The second date however we got a chance to spend a longer time together and I realised I felt a connection with her Id never experienced before with anyone. I was really blown away, but the only problem was I'd committed to go travelling for 4 weeks and was leaving the following week. I told her this but she said she really liked me and we agreed we would see eachother again when I returned. I'd planned the holiday as a chance to do some solo travelling and meet some other travellers and just have fun. I'd booked it while very much single and I started to feel some doubts about everything, but I told myself I couldn't jump to conclusions about a girl I'd only seen a couple of times and that I should keep in touch with her and go ahead with my plans. So I went away, had fun and while I was travelling did meet other girls, but felt a little empty and a bit guilty when I thought back to her. When I got home I was dying to see her, but the fact I had been with other people was playing on my mind I was worried it might ruin things between us. In the end I met her again and we spent a great weekend camping, during which she didn't ask much about my time away. I maybe didn't feel quite the same head-spinning attraction to her I had before I went away, but I put this down to those feelings of guilt and not having seen her in a few weeks. I have a bit of a history of running away when things get too close and had never previously had a serious relationship, and I knew that I had a great connection with her and loved to spend time with her, so I probably very prematurely asked her if she wanted to be exclusive. There was a big problem for her in that she only had a few months left where I live before she had to go home to her country, which is thousands of miles away. I said we shouldn't worry about that now but from the beginning she was preoccupied about whether I would come with her or not and asked me if I was sure a relationship was what I wanted. I told her that I felt something really strong between us and wanted to give it a chance. After this we met up several times at parties and to hang out and I met all her close friends and flatmates. I was excited to share my life with someone in a way I never had before and felt good about the future. It wasn't long after this though that some problems started. I'd explained to her from the beginning that I'm generally very busy and like my space, and that I'd never liked the idea of being in a glued-at-the-hip relationship. She agreed and said she didn't like that either, but when I told her a couple of times I was tired and maybe another day would be better to meet up, she said OK but seemed very disappointed. Throughout the relationship she told me I seemed very cold and distant every time I was with her, and that it seemed I didn't want to be there. This was far from true especially at the beginning but I also felt she very much wanted me all for herself whenever we were out, and I wanted a chance to get to know her friends and for her to know mine. Though we had a good clear the air conversation about this fairly early on, it was something that kept coming up and I eventually started to feel like I was walking on eggshells a little bit every time I saw her, waiting to get asked why I was so distant or my mind seemed elsewhere. I thought maybe issues from my past were affecting things. I was very open with her that I'd had a tough childhood and a difficult relationship with my mother, which had caused a few anger issues with women and sabotaging of relationships. She was incredibly supportive of me when I talked about this and seemed to really appreciate that I'd opened up to her. I felt loved and listened to in a way I never had before by anyone and it brought us closer together. Despite this, jealousy seemed to start to play an increasing part in our relationship. She told me that I talked a lot about my ex (I brought her up once or twice about fairly innocent things) and asked me if we were still in contact claiming she had sent her a friend request on Facebook (which I highly doubt given my ex had told me she didn't have space for me in her life and clearly wanted to move on). She became paranoid about co-workers and female friends and I had to repeatedly tell her that I didn't have any feelings for them. The first big issue arose however when I showed her a picture on my phone through Facebook and she saw that I had made searches for a few girls. I'll admit maybe I was in the wrong there but sometimes bored and home I'd look up people I used to know or see just to check what they were doing with their lives (male or female, though probably mostly female). She took this as a sign I was talking to other people and decided to look through my phone without my knowledge, which she admitted and apologised for, but shed gone as far as looking at timestamps and claimed I was searching for other girls even when we were together, which I don't think was true. We made up and that was that for a while, but after a couple of weeks she told me that a male friend was coming to visit her, and would be staying in her room and they would spend a couple of nights alone together. She also told me he was single and also that he got around, so I found it absolutely bizarre that I would think it was fine for him to stay alone with her without knowing anything about the guy. Again we talked it out but I was starting to feel there was a lack of self-awareness and some double standards on her part. After that, we had agreed to go on holiday together, and just as everything was booked she began crying and said I would want to break up with her. I asked her what was wrong and she told me that she was actually 7 years older than me. She'd told me originally we were the same age but shed felt scared if she was honest I wouldn't want to be with her and had hidden it for 4 months. I couldn't believe she wouldn't tell me something so basic for so long but we made up and I made a resolution to rethink things after our holiday. We went away and things went great, I felt closer to her than ever but there were a few moments where she would get extremely jealous about something or someone. One night she decided to ask out of the blue if I had been with anyone while I was travelling before we got together. I was honest and said I had and she went cold and barely talked to me for hours. In spite of that on the last night I told her I felt closer to her than ever and I'd had a really good time. She agreed but as we were going to sleep she started a monologue about every time she felt I'd looked at another girl and maybe I didn't want her and we shouldn't be together. It felt really bad but I said we should talk in the morning. When we got home I mentioned what she had said the previous night, I intended it as an honest discussion to work things out but the issue of plans and moving away came up and she ended up telling me there were too many "buts" and we abruptly broke up. The truth was that I was in love with her but they way she had behaved in some situations was giving me serious doubts about moving thousands of miles away with her and leaving everything behind, in addition to not being sure if it was compatible with career/study plans. I was devastated and felt like my heart had been ripped out but gave it a week to process things. After this I decided to contact her and try to work things out, on the condition that I'd have to work together on the things that were affecting the relationship negatively. She agreed and we gave it another go. I tried to be less distant with her and more conscientious about what she was feeling. I also agreed I'd probably avoided the issue of whether I would move away with her and I'd try to be more open about this. For a while things went great but eventually jealousies started to creep back in and she became fixated that I was continually checking out his brothers girlfriend, something which was completely untrue. We eventually broke up a second time when we went away together for Christmas in a big group, including her mother who had flown over and I was meeting for the first time. It was my first time away from my family at Christmas and I tried to make the best of it but I found things hard. I found her mother to be completely manipulative and difficult to talk to, and thoughtout the Christmas period I felt my girlfriend decided to take her side in everything and accuse me of not making an effort rather than try to accommodate us both. One evening for example I woke up alone and discovered she had gone to sleep with her mother. She didn't want to explain this initially but eventually told me her mother was feeling lonely and felt she was getting in the way of us, so she decided to spend the night with her. The final straw was when the day after Christmas we decided to play some drinking games, and they group decided to play a game where you could take a shot or tell the truth in answer to a question. She was asked if she would marry someone for a European visa, to which she answered yes. She had told me before she had considered this with her ex so I wasnt too bothered, and she knew I wasn't ready to think about something as serious as marriage. However when we were next alone together she asked me if the question had upset me. I said no as I knew she had thought about it before with her ex. She then asked would I be upset if she married someone for a visa while we were still together. I said of course I would and she said her ex had offered her again within the last month, and if we weren't together she would think about it as it was a really good opportunity. The whole thing felt totally manipulative and designed to shame me into making a decision about our future. I couldn't believe this was the same person whod been so supportive of me and who I shared such a deep connection with, but in hindsight I know it was borne out of frustration. Some days after this she announced a string of travel plans to her family while we were having dinner, none of which she had mentioned to me. It felt like a very manipulative "take it or leave it", and I said nothing but calmly took it on board and arranged to meet with her alone a couple of days later, where I told her I didn't seem to be in her plans and we should break up. Her immediate reaction was to say that she hadnt expected it, but this proved I'd never cared and just wanted a friend's with benefits situation, that I had been more concerned with other girls the whole time and never had any intention of moving away with her. I stayed calm and told her that defintely wasn't the case but if she needed to think that I understood. Eventually she came round and we had a very emotional goodbye where we talked about all the good thing we'd shared and we said we'd stay in touch, which proved to be a mistake. Our only contact after that was when she asked me for some holiday photos and didn't respond when I asked how she was doing. A few days later she deleted me on social media. I told myself I should give it some time, but couldn't avoid constant checking of Facebook, Instagram etc. It didn't really allow me to let go, and I continued to miss her and wonder if I'd done the wrong thing. The current lockdown situation ramped these feelings up and I decided to contact her again. She told me she was upset that she hadn't contacted me sooner after we broke up and didnt think we should meet again. I've since seen her on a clue of occasions on the street and waved hello as we live close, once holding hands with another guy which was very difficult to see. Its been over 4 months since we broke up and I finally took the long overdue decision to block her and her friends on everything, partly not to have to see photos of a new relationship but also to get her out of my mind. I've started seeing someone else recently also but have no plans to start anything remotely serious soon. Despite the troubles we had there's a nagging feeling that I've lost my soulmate and will never have that connection with someone again, someone I felt deeply for and is still on my mind a lot. There's no doubt there was something really powerful there and it's very difficult to imagine finding that with someone else or leaving her in the past, though I've now accepted I have to move on. There's also a nagging guilt and self-criticism that maybe I was a bad partner or its all my fault, and that I've lost her to someone else because I was too stubborn or took things the wrong way, and that some of these things could have been easily worked out with a little bit more communication. Something I've never really figured out is that especially after the initial couple weeks of seeing her I felt a bit apprehensive when we met up rather than madly in love, which made me question if her fears were right and I did just want someone else. Thinking back on our time together and judging by how I've felt since the breakup though I know that's not true, but those feelings maybe weren't as promiment as I'd expected or shed wanted. If you've made it this far thanks for reading. I know it's a long post and maybe there's no use over-analysing it but I'm trying to figure out what I can learn from it that might be useful in future for myself and how I can eventually move on. Cheers and Id appreciate any and all advice/thoughts.
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