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Should I give him another chance? Can he change?


Peli264

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thank you for reading this,

 

My ex boyfriend and I met a few months before I went out of state for school. I told him I was leaving the first night we met and we agreed to just hook up and that nothing can come out of it. However, the second night I met up with him I asked him not to hook up with other people (for safety reasons) and told him if he wanted to hook up with multiple people that was fine but if that was the case I was not going to hook up with him.

 

He said he was not sleeping with anyone else and agreed to only hook up with me. This made me feel safe. I trusted him too. When we were hooking up I got the sense he was sleeping with someone else and asked him; he repeatedly said no. I asked him if he was talking to someone else and he said no. I asked him if he was seehing his ex; he said no. During the two months of us hooking up we got closer (so I thought) and we agreed to be in a relationship and do long distance.

 

Two weeks into the relationship I found messages on his social media to another girl which stopped 3 days before we got in a relationship. He was telling the girl the same information (about his day) that he had told me. This girl was in another country. He had hooked up with her before but was keeping in contact. He told me she was just a hook up and didn't care about her. I also found he had been liking her photos on social media while being in a relationship with me. I usually don't care about this stuff but since this is someone he hooked up with, I cared. He blocked her on social media to make me feel better.

 

A few days passed and I kept asking him if there was anything else he was not telling me (he said no). Since I could sense there was something else, I kept asking him. One of the times I asked, he told me he had been sleeping with his ex at the same time he was sleeping with me me. They had broken up a year ago because she cheated on him but he kept hooking up with her. Eventhough we agreed on not to sleep with other people. I, of course, was heartbroken. During the hookup he had mentioned he wanted to be friends with her and would talk about her sometimes. I felt like he wasn't over her but I thought he was just venting and since he told me he had not seen her in a year it was fine.

 

He said it was mistake and that he had no feelings for his ex. He said he was just looking for sex at the time and that he did not tell me because he was embarrased he was hooking up with her. I asked him if he had used protection he said yes. I left to another of state for school and asked him multiple times if he used protection until he ultimately said he did not. so I had to go get tested. good thing, I am fine. (him and I weren't using protection because I thought he wasn't sleeping with anyone else) He told me he did not see her while we were in a relationship. I didn't believe him; so I kept asking, turns out he saw her once after we got in a relationship to tell her to stop messaging him. I still do not really believe this because he waited 3 weeks to tell me he had been sleeping with her when we were hooking up, so i think he was probably sleeping with her in the relationship. He swears this did not happen.

 

we have been dating for a year now, I have kept asking about the girl in the other country and now he says it was more than just a hookup; he said he had feelings for her. he was in the "getting to know stage" and was sad when she left. He also said after she left he did not care much for her and was just responding to her messages. He felt he needed to tell me this. I did ask him to tell me this; so it is the same as the previous pattern: me asking and him telling me after who knows how many questions. Now he is saying he talked to another girl besides his ex to have sex but did not end up having sex with her because she did not want to. After I got sad from hearing this, he said he got confused and this was before he met me. (I don't know if this is true)

 

He wants to go to couples therapy and go to his own therapy. He says there are not more lies (he has said this before and i found more lines by questioning him, so I don't know) He says he wants to work things out and did kept lying to me because he was afraid I will leave him but that he was done. He said he wants to marry me one day and have children. He has been so far a good boyfriend, besides him lying about what he did to me in the beginning. He is supportive, affectionate, funny, he does things that make me happy. I once was really stressed about school and he did a tik tok dance so that I would laugh. He gives me back rubs when I get cramps. He gets me food and never complains about the bill. I have met all his family and they seem to like me. We also live together. I have tried to end the relationship many times but he begs me to stay and work on things. He said he never cheated on me in the relationship and has been comitted. He said he did those things in the beginning whe we were hooking up because he was messed up from the break up with the ex and I was moving away but when we started being in a relationship he has tried to be a better person. My problem is that he kept lying to me about the past after giving him so many chances and we already have trust issues. I don't know if i want to put in work in therapy or if it is worth it.

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You need to end it. He's not going to change. Couples therapy is not for people who are just hooking up.

 

If you want a real relationship, you need to find someone else. Don't try to fix or change anyone. Dating is not social work or therapy.

 

If he's an ex, why live together? My advice about him remains the same.

https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=556817&p=7087581&viewfull=1#post7087581

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Do you use condoms with people you sleep with ?

 

He has lied and cheated on you multiple times and you want to continue? You should have dumped him after the first lie. He has shown you who he is, if you stay then you have no one to blame but yourself.

 

He is still playing you for the fool. He will not change!

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Well one piece of advice is don't sleep with people without using condoms unless you asked them to do STD tests first. Because even if hypothetically they're not sleeping with anyone else at the same time, they actually could have STD's already. Many people can't even tell they have them. A couple of my friends actually had chlamydia. Yes they told me about it lol Well one was FWB so I had to get tested but I didn't have it because I was broken up with him by then.

 

Anyway...It's a difficult situation because if you were only casual hooking up with your boyfriend then, he was allowed to see other people. However honesty is important and you asked him many times to tell the truth, but he kept lying. I think if someone is seeing a few people, they should be honest about it when asked. I'm just surprised that you're only wondering if to break up a year later. Has anything changes recently to make you doubt your relationship more?

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This is very exhausting. You've gone against your better judgment several times and I think it's time to cut the cord.

 

Since you are living together, I'd also suggest you start finding your own living arrangements and accommodations so that you don't feel pressured to stay with this person or please him or agree with him especially since he is manipulative.

 

I find it very disrespectful and manipulative that he threw out the concept of marriage as if to entice you when the relationship is not even close to being on solid ground. Open your eyes.

 

Even if everything he says is true and he is remorseful and was confused, relationships shouldn't be this way. The whole pattern of the relationship is one of broken trust. The trust is broken, as you say. Be cautious and watchful for future-tense talk or future promises during arguments. Grandiose promises by a manipulator are usually used to lure you back in in the heat of the moment or to disarm you. If your disagreements and the solutions are not making sense, use your instincts.

 

You may be hurt and sad for awhile after a break up but you are saving yourself a lifetime of a worse kind of pain if you stay.

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Hooking up without using condoms just because the guy told you that he is not sleeping with other people is going to land you with hpv or something even nastier. Even if he got tested, there is a time window where the test won't show whether he has HIV. Plus, there is no good screening test for herpes and no good test for testing men for hpv.

 

The more you hook up, the greater the chance that you will get herpes and hpv, even while using a condom, let alone without using it. When you hook up without barrier protection (i.e.condoms), the list of stds you can get becomes longer (it's all of them in fact). Relying on what the guy tells you is seriously dangerous. The guy may not have any symptoms, he may not know what he is carrying and the standard tests do not include tests for everything. You seriously need to educate yourself further on stds if you really don't want to get one. The CDC has information on all stds that you can google. Hook ups without using a condom is going to get you infected. It's just a matter of time. If you haven't done the hpv shot chances are that you already got some strain of hpv.

 

As for the guy, once trust is broken there can be no healthy relationship. You would have to spend the rest of your life wondering/stressing about being lied to again. And, sadly, people tend to repeat what they get away with... Imo, couple's therapy isn't woth it unless there is a child involved. Otherwise, the safest option is to move on and find someone who has never lied to you in your face like that in the first place.

 

But seriously, never hook up without using condoms. The guy can lie or may not know that he has an std and tests don't iclude testing for everything reliably. You are going to get yourself an std if you carry on hooking up unprotected.

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Couple's therapy after just a year of dating?

 

Not worth it, sorry. You are young and he has shown you multiple times that he doesn't value honesty and transparency. He's not worth the distress or professional intervention of a therapist. You have no clue if what he's telling you now is the truth (and my guess is that there's still plenty you don't know) This guy is only being "honest" because he got caught and has you doing mental gymnastics trying to pry the real story out of him. He is in no way ready for marriage and children and all that. You can do better, OP. I guarantee you this will not be the last time he tries to pull the wool over your eyes. These are only the occasions you know about.

 

Cut yourself free from this and find a guy who respects you enough to be honest from the beginning. This one isn't The One for you.

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It doesn’t matter whether he is trustworthy or not.

You don’t trust him regardless.

 

And by threatening to end the relationship with him but never going through with is, is basically the same as you telling him he can do whatever he likes and you won’t leave him.

 

If you continue to mistrust him there are 2 outcomes:

If he is cheating , he won’t care too much about your constant questioning , he will just lie to temporarily please you.

If he is not cheating , he will tire of your constant questioning and he WILL leave you.

 

If you start to place trust in him there are another 2 outcomes:

If he is cheating , without questioning him , you will find out eventually. Then will be up to you to actually leave him before he leaves you.

If he is not cheating, you could have a better relationship and build a better foundation.

 

Basically it’s not about you giving him a second chance but you both giving the relationship a second chance.

The odds are not in your favour.

The odds are further reduced since you built the relationship off a one night stand and hook ups , yet you expected exclusivity which was really was unfair. You should have simply used protection.

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I made him get tested before and he showed receipts. Since I DID NOT KNOW he was sleeping with someone, I felt safe. I also knew him from before. We were friends for 5 years. it will be nice to stop being shamed for not using protection. I made him get tested and he lied about not sleeping with other people. This was the first time I was hooking up with someone. I OBVIOUSLY did not know how to go about this

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I made him get tested before and he showed receipts. Since I DID NOT KNOW he was sleeping with someone, I felt safe. I also knew him from before. We were friends for 5 years. it will be nice to stop being shamed for not using protection. I made him get tested and he lied about not sleeping with other people. This was the first time I was hooking up with someone. I OBVIOUSLY did not know how to go about this.

 

we also broke up today. So I am making arrangements to move out

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I made him get tested before and he showed receipts. Since I DID NOT KNOW he was sleeping with someone, I felt safe. I also knew him from before. We were friends for 5 years. it will be nice to stop being shamed for not using protection. I made him get tested and he lied about not sleeping with other people. This was the first time I was hooking up with someone. I OBVIOUSLY did not know how to go about this

 

This is why you should always use condoms. Is it worth losing your life over! People lie. Wake up!

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I made him get tested before and he showed receipts. Since I DID NOT KNOW he was sleeping with someone, I felt safe. I also knew him from before. We were friends for 5 years. it will be nice to stop being shamed for not using protection. I made him get tested and he lied about not sleeping with other people. This was the first time I was hooking up with someone. I OBVIOUSLY did not know how to go about this.

 

we also broke up today. So I am making arrangements to move out

 

This is good.

 

Heal and start rebuilding. When you're out of there, things will start to clear for you as you rebuild your new life. Keep visiting the forum if it helps. I think you've shared some good ideas and perspectives in the other threads. I'd like to read more of your thoughts. Have faith in yourself and don't let one person get you down. Dating is full of pitfalls. The best thing you can do for yourself is to brush yourself off and move forwards, renewed.

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This is why you should always use condoms. Is it worth losing your life over! People lie. Wake up!

 

you sound very judgemental and act as if you have never made mistakes. you are using this to feel better about yourself. this is not advice. it's you judging and stroking your ego. you need to wake up if you are going to give advice. I feel bad for your friends. I suggest you looking into yourself and see why this is triggering you so much. have a nice life.

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With all the info out there on STIs, I am still amazed at people who have unprotected sex. Incredible. You are still probably going to continue in this manner, due to your defensive response.

 

Are you also one of the people who doesn't wear a mask during Covid?

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The feeling I get, reading your initial post, is that this is not a very healthy relationship for you. I'm not talking about condoms here, and what they can keep out, but your spirit, and how this is affecting it.

 

Your gut sense here, from the very beginning to right this moment, has been that this guy is no good. Whether he was hooking up with other people or not, honestly, is less relevant to me than the fact that, in hooking up with him, you became increasingly obsessed with that. It's like being intimate with him made you uncomfortable, and then you continued to test that discomfort, and challenge it, but continuing to be intimate while questioning and questioning and questioning him. That's the nuts and bolts of the relationship, really, and as you've discovered it's not a very sturdy way to build one.

 

Couples therapy? That's for couples who have had a really good, really solid few years and find themselves skidding out when life throws some arrows their way. a new job, a baby, a screwy mortgage. They know genuine goodness can exist between them, and they're bringing out the big guns to see if they can rediscover it, like getting a mechanic to look at the engine of a reliable car that is suddenly on the fritz. Might not be fixable, the car, but worth an effort. But this—you two—is a car that has never really been reliable, never run smoothly, and those repeated breakdowns have left a mark.

 

You got tested, came back clean. Awesome. Body is healthy. The soul, however, I think is still asking for the same level of adult attention and care, from you.

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