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Due date of your second child and best friends wedding fall 3 days apart

Elsewhere

By Elsewhere
in Relationship Advice

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j.man Grand Master

j.man

Posted
Posted
I have a feeling she is trying to "test" him.

He gets a raw deal either way, when you think about it.

And which raw deal does he pick? The one where he won't get to see the birth of his child or hold his child moments after birth, or the one here he won't get to do the same.

If he is a one night stand, i get it. But if he is her husband, wow what a raw deal

That's kinda the gist. And that's why I'm not immediately crucifying him. Again, there is a right and a wrong decision here, but even if he's only flirting with the wrong choice without any real sincerity, the fact he is at all I think speaks much more to a sense of animosity-- or at least an induced apathy-- than the OP seems to believe. That really is him thinking to himself, "I mean, I'm not going to witness his birth either way." Unless dude is just a deadbeat. There's that possibility, too, I suppose.

 

Again, women should have the right to not have the father in the room for any good or bad reason. And there are good reasons for it, particularly if the guy's abusive. But if my wife decided our partnership stopped short of me being present for the birth of our child, I'd never live down the resentment. And I've seen too many grown men sob through an entire evening in both joy and sorrow during deployment because their kid was born without them being there to witness it me to ever take it for granted.

 

That said, hey, people are different. Big reason I preempted by asking the OP if there was indeed a particular reason.

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Cherylyn Grand Master

Cherylyn

Posted
Posted

Blood is thicker than water. Family comes first and foremost.

 

This is a no-brainer. Be there for the birth of your child. Are you serious? :eek:

 

My husband was always with me the day our sons were born and he helped me immensely after I brought my infant sons home from the hospital. He cooked, cleaned, did laundry, ran errands and I could lean on him.

 

On days when he wasn't working such as weekends, he got up in the middle of the night to change diapers, handed the baby over to me so I could nurse the baby, he burped the babies and tucked them back into their cribs. I felt so grateful.

 

He bought groceries on the way home from work. He did everything to help me when I was a new mother. He is my support, my rock.

 

You need to be supportive!

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Batya33 Grand Master

Batya33

Posted
Posted

So my husband had a work trip 7 weeks before my due date - 2.5 hour plane flight away -and I was nervous even though it was 7 weeks early. Turned out I gave birth 10 days early and he had to fly from where he was living (at that point we were temporarily in a commuter marriage because of his work) - and didn't arrive till after I had the epidural -but there was no question I wanted him in the room and that he should be there if at all possible. He would never have flown overseas or anywhere further than where he was close to the due date. This was essential for work - I would not have been ok with him traveling anywhere within 2-3 weeks of my due date, let alone 2-3 days. And after the birth for sure I wanted him there. He didn't sleep in my hospital room but was with me constantly and we took the baby home together.

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abitbroken Grand Master

abitbroken

Posted
Posted
That's kinda the gist. And that's why I'm not immediately crucifying him. Again, there is a right and a wrong decision here, but even if he's only flirting with the wrong choice without any real sincerity, the fact he is at all I think speaks much more to a sense of animosity-- or at least an induced apathy-- than the OP seems to believe. That really is him thinking to himself, "I mean, I'm not going to witness his birth either way." Unless dude is just a deadbeat. There's that possibility, too, I suppose.

 

Again, women should have the right to not have the father in the room for any good or bad reason. And there are good reasons for it, particularly if the guy's abusive. But if my wife decided our partnership stopped short of me being present for the birth of our child, I'd never live down the resentment. And I've seen too many grown men sob through an entire evening in both joy and sorrow during deployment because their kid was born without them being there to witness it me to ever take it for granted.

 

That said, hey, people are different. Big reason I preempted by asking the OP if there was indeed a particular reason.

 

Yeah, if the woman doesn't want him to go away, but won't let him in on the birth either.

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boltnrun Grand Master

boltnrun

Posted
Posted
Blood is thicker than water. Family comes first and foremost.

 

This is a no-brainer. Be there for the birth of your child. Are you serious? :eek:

 

My husband was always with me the day our sons were born and he helped me immensely after I brought my infant sons home from the hospital. He cooked, cleaned, did laundry, ran errands and I could lean on him.

 

On days when he wasn't working such as weekends, he got up in the middle of the night to change diapers, handed the baby over to me so I could nurse the baby, he burped the babies and tucked them back into their cribs. I felt so grateful.

 

He bought groceries on the way home from work. He did everything to help me when I was a new mother. He is my support, my rock.

 

You need to be supportive!

 

The OP is actually the woman who will be giving birth potentially without the baby's father present locally. The OP is not the baby's father.

 

That's why everyone was so confused!

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Elsewhere Community Regular

Elsewhere

Posted
  • Author
Posted

Didn’t realize the gender in my profile was going to taint the question, sorry all.

 

We are in a traditional relationship. Me opting to give birth alone and him being okay with it has nothing to do with the question nor should be a reason for anybody’s judgement. If he had any issues with the birth plan, I guarantee he’d speak up about it.

 

I asked because I wanted a sample of unbiased opinions and I believe the vote is unilateral.

Thank you all.

 

Looking forward to any other thoughts.

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Cherylyn Grand Master

Cherylyn

Posted
Posted
Didn’t realize the gender in my profile was going to taint the question, sorry all.

 

We are in a traditional relationship. Me opting to give birth alone and him being okay with it has nothing to do with the question nor should be a reason for anybody’s judgement. If he had any issues with the birth plan, I guarantee he’d speak up about it.

 

I asked because I wanted a sample of unbiased opinions and I believe the vote is unilateral.

Thank you all.

 

Looking forward to any other thoughts.

 

I think it's better for both the mother and father to be present the day of the birth IMHO. It's a once-in-a-lifetime, precious, priceless moment which should not be missed! The happiest days of my life were the days my sons were born. :D

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Clio Mentor

Clio

Posted
Posted

Looking forward to any other thoughts.

 

Imo, there is something passive-aggressive and counterproductive about your attitude towards your husband's dilemma. Yes, it's a no brainer that the child's birth should come first, hence the vote is unilateral. However, you may want to reflect carefully on what your goal is in posting this question / what this 'vote' really serves for. It feels like you are (justifiably) displeased with your partner's attitude yet it seems like, instead of communicating your real thoughts to him, you are hiding them, channeling your displeasure through instigating a virtual trial at his absence. If you two are in a relationship, then you are supposed to operate as a TEAM and if the other person seems to have lost focus of the team's priorities, then imo you are supposed to calmly discuss your thoughts and REMIND him that you are a team NOT stage a clinical experiment of how low he can fall.

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tattoobunnie Grand Master

tattoobunnie

Posted
Posted

Having two kids myself, would you seriously expose a brand-spanking newborn to that flu and disease ridden plane? What if they baby has jaundice (very common with babies with moms of mixed kids), or the mom has to get a C-section - there's no way you can board that plane without them. And you still have to follow-up appointment right away with the pediatrician. And it takes 2 to 3 days for the milk to come in (breastfeeding), so they baby is dry feeding for a lot of the time and crying and inconsolable. Sorry, buddy, but welcome to parenthood. You may not realize it now, but once that baby is here, you will be like, how the F==k did I think this was a great idea. Because that baby will be your world. It sucks missing your best buds wedding, but you'll be a dad to a brand new newborn. Don't risk anything.

 

Wait - so you're not the dad? Oh, well, my message still stands. I was 5 days late with my second. 66 hours of labor with the 1st, and went into labor on my due date. 2nd was 33 hours labor - so really, that 3 day window?? - Throw it out the window. Baby doesn't care what your outside plans are.

 

And if you have a vaginal birth or c-section, sitting down for that long is a nightmare! Along with trying to climb one step. And if you have a C-section, you're not lifting heavy bags, and you're still oozing and healing a giant cut to your abdomen. Along with the endless stuff you'd need - crib, diaper pail, DIAPERS, formula (if not nursing), play mats, blankets, clothes, car seat, stroller, carrier, wipes, etc. It will not be enjoyable.

 

I gave up a trip to Spain when my best bud got married because I would be 6.5/7 month along with my 2nd. Not worth the risk, ever.

 

Any reason why you don't want dad there? My hubs helped me deliver (holding my positions) both kids. I pushed for two hours with the 1st, but opted for a C-section. And one hour with my 2nd, where he held my legs the right way the whole time, so I could have a VBAC. We have a midwife who delivers at a hospital.

 

There's a reason why absentee fathers (like the deadbeats) don't bond with their babies - the 1st few moments are so hormonally driven, it's intoxicating. Dad needs to be there.

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abitbroken Grand Master

abitbroken

Posted
Posted

 

Any reason why you don't want dad there? My hubs helped me deliver (holding my positions) both kids. I pushed for two hours with the 1st, but opted for a C-section. And one hour with my 2nd, where he held my legs the right way the whole time, so I could have a VBAC. We have a midwife who delivers at a hospital.

 

There's a reason why absentee fathers (like the deadbeats) don't bond with their babies - the 1st few moments are so hormonally driven, it's intoxicating. Dad needs to be there.

 

YES. I think its incredibly selfish to tell dad he can't be at the birth and then can't be another place either.

Its OKAY if he says "wow, i really would like to be there for the wedding" it doesn't mean that he is seriously booking a ticket.

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Elsewhere Community Regular

Elsewhere

Posted
  • Author
Posted
YES. I think its incredibly selfish to tell dad he can't be at the birth and then can't be another place either.

 

That’s utterly ridiculous. He can’t bring me to the hospital, assist with check in, comfort our child in this huge transitional moment, and help in case of complications if he’s on another continent.

 

Not sure why so many of you can’t respect the aspect of my birth plan that both parties of interest are happy with.

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Wiseman2 Grand Master

Wiseman2

Posted
Posted

What do you want? Him to stay home during this time or go off with partying his friends? What does he think? Have you agreed on or talked about things? Is the other child his? Hopefully you can discuss it in a straight up manner rather than backwardly worded rhetorical questions.

 

Be clear on how you feel and what you want rather than 'how would you feel if... what would you do if...' style arguments. Is it so hard to say to the man you're having a child with that you would like him to decline the invitation and stay around for you?

if he’s on another continent.
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abitbroken Grand Master

abitbroken

Posted
Posted
That’s utterly ridiculous. He can’t bring me to the hospital, assist with check in, comfort our child in this huge transitional moment, and help in case of complications if he’s on another continent.

 

Not sure why so many of you can’t respect the aspect of my birth plan that both parties of interest are happy with.

 

Shouldn't your toddler be with grandparents or a babysitter during the birth and NOT at the hospital for your husband to watch? its not an appropriate place for a toddler. If the child was a teen and wanted to come to the waiting room to be there, that's another matter, but a toddler cannot endure sitting in the waiting room for hours. If there are complications, shouldn't your husband be right there instead?

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itsallgrand Grand Master

itsallgrand

Posted
Posted

Weddings are often planned more than a year in advance.

I'm going to guess the pregnancy happened after you both already knew about the wedding, so yeah that sucks for him that they fall within days of each other.

How long until your due date? I mean, it's understandable if he expresses some disappointment that he can't do both.

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maew Veteran

maew

Posted
Posted
It's a really goofy way to frame it, but OP's essentially representing her husband's dilemma. Right now he's debating going to a destination wedding three days apart from his wife's (the OP) due date.

 

Thank you! I was totally lost.

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