Bf won't let go of the fact that I slept w/ someone before getting exclusive

[abitbroken]

If he didn't like that you were sleeping with someone while he professed his feelings, that is fine and he has a right not to like it. Every right to have preferences. But he has no right to abuse you over it. He could break it off with you - that's what gentlemen do if something about a woman violates their boundaries. They don't rub her face in it.

 

I want to add that he knows what he’s doing to me is abusive. He admitted to it. But he doesn’t want to break up because he loves me

 

He doesn't get a vote. YOU break up with HIM. Okay?

[shellyf62]

Do you seriously want to be back here in a month, 6 months, a year, regurgitating the same thread again?

Look how many pages of great advice you have been given here.

People here are scared for you. We are complete strangers & are so worried for you that we are pleading with you to leave him.

 

Your bf is an abuser. He delights in berating & scaring you. He will never change back into the loving bf you are searching for.

 

Have you actually told your parents what he has said to you? Trust me, if my Daughter told me a bf was speaking to her like that he would be gone in a heartbeat.

[Rose Mosse]

Have you actually told your parents what he has said to you? Trust me, if my Daughter told me a bf was speaking to her like that he would be gone in a heartbeat.

 

Agreed 100%.

[somegirl313]

Thank you all for the help. This is my first time ever asking for advice on a forum and I never expected to get this many responses. I will be asking to take a break from the relationship to give myself time to think things through.

[Seraphim]

You don’t need a break from the relationship you need to BREAK UP for good.

[boltnrun]

Thank you all for the help. This is my first time ever asking for advice on a forum and I never expected to get this many responses. I will be asking to take a break from the relationship to give myself time to think things through.

 

What will you do if he says "no" to the break?

 

Be prepared. He will beg, plead, maybe even cry, buy you flowers. Or conversely, he will blame and berate you, telling you that you never loved him and you just want the break so you can go sleep with that other guy. He will attempt to make you cry, feel guilty.

 

Can you stand up to that?

[bluecastle]

Thank you all for the help. This is my first time ever asking for advice on a forum and I never expected to get this many responses. I will be asking to take a break from the relationship to give myself time to think things through.

 

Life is learning, and, along with the others, I can kind of see the next lesson here unfolding. You want to "take a beak" because that can provide the sense that you are taking action without "breaking up."

 

Like I go for 10 mile run and take a break at mile 5. I sit down, sip some water, let the heart rate return to normal. Great. Now I can finish the run and it's going to be a blast.

 

Rarely, if ever, works that way with relationships, even in the most functional form of turmoil. This form? This is dysfunctional of a very high order. It will not return to function after a few sips of water. It will not be fun. The person you want him to be is, at best, someone he will be at around 35. And that scenario is a moonshot. I know you can only listen so much to strangers, that some things have to be lived to learn, so I'm just putting this out there to be a little bee buzzing in your ear as you keep living.

 

With near-certainty, I can tell you that the moment you suggest "taking a break" will be the moment you see the very thing you're trying to break from take on a slightly different form. He will beg. He will plead. He will say all the right things. He will maybe even go to a therapist—and, of course, he will make sure you know this. Thing is? While going through those motions you know who he will also be? The same guy who thinks all the same things about you and wants to punish you.

 

So I say: hey, skip that part. There are better lessons out there, better ways to learn them, and much, much better people on the planet than this man.

[Hollyj]

Thank you all for the help. This is my first time ever asking for advice on a forum and I never expected to get this many responses. I will be asking to take a break from the relationship to give myself time to think things through.

 

What are you not understanding! He is cruel and enjoys punishing you. He is emotionally abusive. What is there to think about?

 

This is falling on deaf ears! Eleven pages in, and it hasn't sunk in.

[somegirl313]

What are you not understanding! He is cruel and enjoys punishing you. He is emotionally abusive. What is there to think about?

 

This is falling on deaf ears! Eleven pages in, and it hasn't sunk in.

 

I’ve thought about breaking up with him before, I know I probably should but I just can’t seem to get myself to do it because I love him... there’s a voice inside of me telling me that he is my soulmate and that I shouldn’t let him go. Again, this is the only issue we ever fight about. We never fight about anything else.

[somegirl313]

What will you do if he says "no" to the break?

 

Be prepared. He will beg, plead, maybe even cry, buy you flowers. Or conversely, he will blame and berate you, telling you that you never loved him and you just want the break so you can go sleep with that other guy. He will attempt to make you cry, feel guilty.

 

Can you stand up to that?

 

I don't believe he would that... I've suggested taking a break from each other before and he gave me an OK, but we never went through with it.

[bluecastle]

I’ve thought about breaking up with him before, I know I probably should but I just can’t seem to get myself to do it because I love him... there’s a voice inside of me telling me that he is my soulmate and that I shouldn’t let him go. Again, this is the only issue we ever fight about. We never fight about anything else.

 

Listen, we get it. Holly, I suspect, gets it, and Holly is a boon to this community because, in getting it, she pulls no punches in wanting to share her earned wisdom through the bullhorn.

 

Here's the thing: that "voice inside" is a voice that really has nothing to do with him, or this, or love. Read that sentence two more times. It's the voice we all have that whispers to us about a future of forever love under the rainbows. It soothes us when we're lonely, that voice, with promises of tomorrow. It is our own little Hollywood studio, putting on a show so we can get a break on a hard day.

 

It's an important voice, in that it can guide us to what we want, but it can be a dangerous voice, in that it can get us stuck. When your "only issue" is a man who, once or twice a week, makes you cry by saying vulgar, degrading things to you, making you feel like trash instead of cherished, it is not "only" something to work through or learn to deal with. It's not a sponge left in the sink, or a toilet seat left up, but more like someone who likes stick your face in the toilet and make you eat the sponge after doing the dishes.

 

You know this. If you and I were hanging out a year ago, say, and you told me what you expected from a soulmate I don't think it would include a man who, after sex with you, says what he says after having sex with you. And I think if I told you that my future soulmate was a woman who made me feel like dirt for having had sex with someone before being with her, I think, if you cared about me, you would nudge me to try to see that something was up with me to make me even entertain that thought.

[Hollyj]

I’ve thought about breaking up with him before, I know I probably should but I just can’t seem to get myself to do it because I love him... there’s a voice inside of me telling me that he is my soulmate and that I shouldn’t let him go. Again, this is the only issue we ever fight about. We never fight about anything else.

Don't you think that you should love yourself more?

 

This issue is significant. He is not your soulmate, as a soulmate would not hurt someone like this. You should NOT be fighting about this at all!

 

He enjoys hurting you!

[Hollyj]

Listen, we get it. Holly, I suspect, gets it, and Holly is a boon to this community because, in getting it, she pulls no punches in wanting to share her earned wisdom through the bullhorn.

 

Here's the thing: that "voice inside" is a voice that really has nothing to do with him, or this, or love. Read that sentence two more times. It's the voice we all have that whispers to us about a future of forever love under the rainbows. It soothes us when we're lonely, that voice, with promises of tomorrow. It is our own little Hollywood studio, putting on a show so we can get a break on a hard day.

 

It's an important voice, in that it can guide us to what we want, but it can be a dangerous voice, in that it can get us stuck. When your "only issue" is a man who, once or twice a week, makes you cry by saying vulgar, degrading things to you, making you feel like trash instead of cherished, it is not "only" something to work through or learn to deal with. It's not a sponge left in the sink, or a toilet seat left up, but more like someone who likes stick your face in the toilet and make you eat the sponge after doing the dishes.

 

You know this. If you and I were hanging out a year ago, say, and you told me what you expected from a soulmate I don't think it would include a man who, after sex with you, says what he says after having sex with you. And I think if I told you that my future soulmate was a woman who made me feel like dirt for having had sex with someone before being with her, I think, if you cared about me, you would nudge me to try to see that something was up with me to make me even entertain that thought.

 

I don't understand? What do you mean "Holly, I suspect, gets it." Others get it, but you are not certain that I can grasp the situation? Your opinion is coming across as quite superior. I don't understand why you feel it is necessary to explain my posting style to others.

[bluecastle]

I don't understand? What do you mean "Holly, I suspect, gets it." Others get it, but you are not certain that I can grasp the situation? Your opinion is coming across as quite superior.

 

My bad, Holly! I literally mean the same thing as you—lost in translation. The "I suspect" was just me not wanting to put words in your mouth.

 

Point being: many of us—you, me, other posters, my mom, my neighbors—have found ourselves in some cringe-y stew of romance. Like you, with you, I am simply trying to point that out in a way that lands rather than meets resistance or deflection. My response quoted was posted because I noticed some resistance to hearing you say something that I sincerely hope OP is able to hear. So that was just me banging the same drum with a different mallet.

[Hollyj]

My bad, Holly! I literally mean the same thing as you—lost in translation. The "I suspect" was just me not wanting to put words in your mouth.

 

Point being: many of us—you, me, other posters, my mom, my neighbors—have found ourselves in some cringe-y stew of romance. Like you, with you, I am simply trying to point that out in a way that lands rather than meets resistance or deflection. My response quoted was posted because I noticed some resistance to hearing you say something that I sincerely hope OP is able to hear. So that was just me banging the same drum with a different mallet.

 

Thank you. I did not understand what you were saying. My apologies.

 

You bet. I was in a disastrous relationship and took me some time to see the light. We have all been there. In the long run, we have to take care of ourselves, no matter how much we love our partners. There can never be a future where cruelty and abuse are involved. We must accept people for who they are, and not expect them to change, because they won't.

[Wiseman2]

You need to talk to a trusted adult about this.

 

Google "signs of teen dating violence". https://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/intimatepartnerviolence/teendatingviolence/fastfact.html

 

I’ve thought about breaking up with him before, I know I probably should but I just can’t seem to get myself to do it because I love him... there’s a voice inside of me telling me that he is my soulmate and that I shouldn’t let him go. Again, this is the only issue we ever fight about. We never fight about anything else.

[boltnrun]

So, you don't want to stop this.

 

Be prepared for YEARS of being abused. But hey, who are we to judge? If being berated and shamed is your thing, so be it.

[Cannelle]

Hi Somegirl are you still there?

 

Here’s what I can say to help:

So far, your bf has been showing the same behavior:

He accuses you, put you down, and own you responsible for his insecurities

So far, your reaction has been the same: give more explanations, crying, begging pleading and hoping he will finally get your point.

 

It did not work.

 

You two are dancing the same dance and until one of you changes the steps, NOTHING will change. He has shown you that he wouldn’t change. It’s time for you to change. You have to learn how to assert yourself.

 

See, you own it to yourself to create a safety environment in which to interact with people. It is your responsibility towards yourself. And when someone violates that safety and disrespects you, that’s the time for you to put your foot down like the strong woman you are deep inside and say: “I refuse to continue this conversation or answer any more questions. I do NOT accept for you to speak to me in that tone”. If he continues, you leave the place and go home. You should also refuse to have any more sexual relations with someone who insults you afterwards. Make that very clear to him NOT by your speech only but by your ACTIONS. Believe me, The only reason he keeps abusing you is because there is no negative consequence for him. He knows his behavior is wrong but he’s too selfish and not courageous enough to stop and change himself.

 

But YOU can change. And When you will finally stop the begging and crying, when you will hold your head high and refuse to engage in that interaction, he will resist, he will try to guilt you more etc. Be firm. Do not cave. Go home. Do not be so afraid of losing someone that you accept the unacceptable. That relationship has no chance to work if respecting each other is not part of it. If you don't change the pattern, the disrespect will escalate.

 

You talk about love between you too. So far, he and you are killing all the love by your actions. In order to be happy in life, you have to learn how to respect and love yourself. Therapy (for you) would help achieving it.

 

Love yourself. Be proud of who you are. You can do it.

[somegirl313]

Yes I’m still here. I’ve been reading all of the advice I’ve received and just letting it sink in. It hurts to come to terms that someone I loved so much and who I thought loved me back as much as he says he does, is actually an abuser. I was so blindly in love with him that I didn’t even realize I was being abused. These last few days have been tough for me, because while breaking up has been on my mind I can’t cut the cord just yet because his birthday is tomorrow

[Cannelle]

Yes I’m still here. I’ve been reading all of the advice I’ve received and just letting it sink in. It hurts to come to terms that someone I loved so much and who I thought loved me back as much as he says he does, is actually an abuser. I was so blindly in love with him that I didn’t even realize I was being abused. These last few days have been tough for me, because while breaking up has been on my mind I can’t cut the cord just yet because his birthday is tomorrow

 

Even if it wasn't his birthday you would not break up with him because you don't want to. You are just not there.

The point is: you should not be breaking up with him because we tell you to do so nor should you answer his endless disrespectful questions because he wants you to. Instead, You should learn to listen to your gut and settle what is good for YOU. You came into this forum because you were suffering. We helped you understand that what your boyfriend was doing is abuse. So now, even if you stay in that relation, it is up to you to decide what you're going to do with this behavior of him. Will you continue to "accept" it by acting like a victim (crying, reassuring him etc)? Or you will stand up for yourself? It is up to YOU. That is the first step you have to do. You change your behavior towards him and life in general. It is the only way to built healthy and loving relationship. Good work!!

[Wiseman2]

Talk yo your parents.

I can’t cut the cord just yet because.........

[boltnrun]

Maybe the next time he abuses you you'll be "ready".

 

Or, maybe not. Maybe it will take years and years of increasing and escalating abuse for you to be "ready".

 

All I can advise for now is, make sure you are using a very reliable form of birth control.

[somegirl313]

Update: I finally gathered up the strength to end it. It stings right now but I'm rereading all the advice I've gotten to remind myself that I don't need this. Really appreciate you all for helping me realize that I was in an abusive relationship

[boltnrun]

Update: I finally gathered up the strength to end it. It stings right now but I'm rereading all the advice I've gotten to remind myself that I don't need this. Really appreciate you all for helping me realize that I was in an abusive relationship

 

You'll feel better sooner rather than later. It's amazing how the anxiety will ease up and then disappear.

 

Good for you.

 

Now, be prepared for an onslaught if you haven't blocked him. He will alternate between berating you for being "unfair " to him and promising you the world, including reviving his (empty) promise to get counseling. Remember, he won't be doing it out of love but out of a need to be in control. Have a plan in place to resist the urge to want to believe him.

[annie24]

Update: I finally gathered up the strength to end it. It stings right now but I'm rereading all the advice I've gotten to remind myself that I don't need this. Really appreciate you all for helping me realize that I was in an abusive relationship

 

Good for you. Give yourself a big hug. You deserve so much better than him. Block him and look forward.