Hollyj Posted September 10, 2019 Share Posted September 10, 2019 You seem to be avoiding the fact that you are in an abusive relationship. You just keep repeating the same info, or excusing his behavior. Please answer these: If it were your girlfriend, how would you advise her? Also, how much tome do you spend with your friends outside of him? What do your friends think of him and his behavior? Link to comment
Hollyj Posted September 10, 2019 Share Posted September 10, 2019 He doesn't believe that he's wrong. When I tell him we weren't together, he starts thinking that I'm trying to "twist" his views Why are you putting up with this? Did you grow up in an abusive household? Link to comment
nutbrownhare Posted September 10, 2019 Share Posted September 10, 2019 I think I am just oblivious and indenial to the fact that someone who I thought was my knight in shining armor would hurt me..This guy has helped me through so much emotionally. He let me confide in him after my breakup and was there for me, always willing to listen and give me advice, no matter if it was at 2 in the morning or in the middle of the day while he's at work. Just a cautionary tale... I work in a medium secure forensic psychiatric hospital, teaching art to patients. One of my most enthusiastic students was originally given a jail sentence for abusing his partner; after multiple fractures to limbs, being waterboarded, and a badly broken nose, she finally confided to her doctor that she was being abused. It took her three years to tell anyone. She was someone with emotional problems, and when they first met, he was a loving friend, confidante and very supportive to her throughout all her difficulties. My experience of him is that he is kind, funny and charming, and I can see how someone would have been very easily taken in by him. I'd be willing to bet that she thought they were a good match, too, in the early days. Nothing's going to convince your guy that he's in the wrong, and by staying with him you are unwittingly condoning his behaviour. It will only get worse with time. Link to comment
somegirl313 Posted September 10, 2019 Author Share Posted September 10, 2019 I want so badly for him to finally realize that he's wrong, so we can move forward in the relationship. I want it to work.. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted September 10, 2019 Share Posted September 10, 2019 I want so badly for him to finally realize that he's wrong, so we can move forward in the relationship. I want it to work.. Don't you understand that he will not move forward, he enjoys hurting you. If it weren't this, it would be something else. HE IS AN ABUSER! He will always do this. This is who he is. Why is any of this okay, and why would you want to continue down this path?! Link to comment
somegirl313 Posted September 10, 2019 Author Share Posted September 10, 2019 Why are you putting up with this? Did you grow up in an abusive household? My dad used to physically discipline me and my siblings when we were little. We have a good, loving relationship now and it's been over a decade since any of that has happened. Not sure if this is a connection Link to comment
somegirl313 Posted September 10, 2019 Author Share Posted September 10, 2019 No. Imagine I have a broken leg when you and I start falling in love. I "admit" to you that I need surgery and am "considering" going to a hospital. But, hey, in the meantime, would you mind carrying me around while I wail? The "in the meantime" goes from being a week to nine months, as my leg just gets worse and carrying me around gets worse for you. "I know I need help," I occasionally still "admit." That's just me using my awareness of my broken leg to enable you to keep carrying me—and so long as you do I will never, ever go to the hospital. Being carried is too nice. That's really what I'm into, and into with you, not fixing my leg. Make sense? Sure, somewhere in there he probably genuinely sees the problem and wouldn't mind it going away, just as most every junkie genuinely wants to get clean. But you know who the junkie never gets clean for? His dealer. And you, in this dynamic, are his dealer. It sucks, I know. But it's how it goes, has gone. Nothing you have together "works" without this cycle, so there is no real motivation to change it. This is you plus him. It's not like you were married for 10 years to someone who was sober, built your love on that plane, then things took a nosedive when he relapsed. Then, sure, you can tough it out "wait" while he goes to rehab so you can get back to your true foundation. In this case the dynamic you're hoping to create has never existed, not really. Poison powers the ship, so why would he want to treat it? He'll pay some lip service to that, but if he wanted to treat it he would treat it. You can tell yourself the same story he tells: that he doesn't want to breakup because he loves you. He probably means that when he says it. Doesn't change the damaging, demeaning, spirit-destroying brand of love he offers you, nor does it change what absorbing that love does to you. Love is a real thing, but it's also just a word. I think you are both applying the definition of that word to something that is not love. That's a good way to put it Link to comment
bluecastle Posted September 10, 2019 Share Posted September 10, 2019 Well, this is just a crushing thread. Taking a minute to put down the "he's an abuser" bullhorn, I think that you've also got to explore the self-esteem stuff we talked about yesterday. Your first bonding point with him is that he helped you through a breakup? I'm sorry, but no. That's you coming to a man, telling him you are an emotional wreck, and making your emotional damage your mutual point of bonding. It also makes other men, love and sex with other men, a means of connecting romantically with new men. That does not lead anywhere good. And the worst place it can lead? Well, you're living it. Now, that's not to shame you, since it's a pretty human response to breakups and the vast majority of men would not behave as he is. The healthiest would not be interested in a woman reeling over another man, at least not romantically. Others would just be, you know, nice about it all. You picked a very bad apple in him, which is partly very bad luck, but we also pick bad apples when we're very hungry. And we rot our own teeth in trying to feed ourselves. I don't know what else to say. I do know that it's hard to breakup with people, and from experience I know that, strangely, the ones who treat us like trash can be the hardest to let go of. Letting go means having to ask why we allow ourselves to be treated like trash, which is unfamiliar, and oddly scarier than than the familiarity of being treated like trash. Still, being treated like trash is being treated like trash. It is a thing that happens, and I'm sure many posters here have a story or two on those fronts. At the end of the day, though, it's best to make those stories ones with endings. It's best to call it what it is with clear eyes and get clean. Link to comment
catfeeder Posted September 10, 2019 Share Posted September 10, 2019 He obsesses over the little details about my encounter/relationship with this FWB, and asks me stuff like "did he F you good? ...and yada yada. This will not improve, it will only get worse. While it wasn't a brilliant idea to tell the guy about your private sex life before any commitment to him, it's probably best that it has revealed to you that this guy is not even relationship material, much less future material. I'd walk away while you still can walk, because there's no telling how far it will escalate. If you don't believe me, contact any domestic violence agency on the Internet for an expert opinion--and a plan to get out of this safely. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted September 10, 2019 Share Posted September 10, 2019 I will ask these questions for the third time: If it were your girlfriend, how would you advise her? Also, how much tome do you spend with your friends outside of him? What do your friends think of him and his behavior? Why won't you answer them? Link to comment
somegirl313 Posted September 10, 2019 Author Share Posted September 10, 2019 I will ask these questions for the third time: If it were your girlfriend, how would you advise her? Also, how much tome do you spend with your friends outside of him? What do your friends think of him and his behavior? I’ve answered those questions. I would advise them to leave...but it’s all easier said than done. I spend time with my friends about once or twice a week. I spend most of my days with him. They side with me and think he’s being bitter and irrational Link to comment
Hollyj Posted September 10, 2019 Share Posted September 10, 2019 I’ve answered those questions. I would advise them to leave...but it’s all easier said than done. I spend time with my friends about once or twice a week. I spend most of my days with him. They side with me and think he’s being bitter and irrational Sorry, I did not see your response. If you would advise a friend to leave, then you should do the same. You know that he is f$cked up and will not change. What does he think of your friends? Link to comment
somegirl313 Posted September 10, 2019 Author Share Posted September 10, 2019 Sorry, I did not see your response. If you would advise a friend to leave, then you should do the same. You know that he is f$cked up and will not change. What does he think of your friends? He likes them and they get along Link to comment
Hollyj Posted September 10, 2019 Share Posted September 10, 2019 He likes them and they get along Even though they think he is "bitter and irrational?" What do they advise you to do? Do they think he is a great guy and you should continue? Link to comment
Hollyj Posted September 10, 2019 Share Posted September 10, 2019 I give up. The bottom line, is that this will continue, and get worse. You can choose to tolerate this, or move on and find someone who does not enjoy punishing you. Good luck! Link to comment
somegirl313 Posted September 10, 2019 Author Share Posted September 10, 2019 I've tried to step in his shoes over this issue before. I know it can sting when you think of the person you really like and how they were sleeping with someone else at the time, but it's not like I was screwing or even kissing both guys in the same time period... he makes it seem like it was that. And you're right, I was only thinking of myself at the time. I just wanted to have some "fun" and experience sleeping with others while I was single because I've never done that before. I slept with this guy 3 weeks before my bf asked me to be his gf. Is it wrong that I didn't think of what my now bf would have felt at the time? Should I have? Link to comment
nutbrownhare Posted September 10, 2019 Share Posted September 10, 2019 Is it wrong that I didn't think of what my now bf would have felt at the time? Should I have? No. He hadn't even asked you to be his girlfriend at that stage, and you had no way of knowing what was going to happen. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted September 10, 2019 Share Posted September 10, 2019 I've tried to step in his shoes over this issue before. I know it can sting when you think of the person you really like and how they were sleeping with someone else at the time, but it's not like I was screwing or even kissing both guys in the same time period... he makes it seem like it was that. And you're right, I was only thinking of myself at the time. I just wanted to have some "fun" and experience sleeping with others while I was single because I've never done that before. I slept with this guy 3 weeks before my bf asked me to be his gf. Is it wrong that I didn't think of what my now bf would have felt at the time? Should I have? You keep on regurgitating the same garbage. You know this is not right. Would you do the same to him? Stop asking this question and excusing, Link to comment
itsallgrand Posted September 10, 2019 Share Posted September 10, 2019 You seem to listen to Blue, so read his last post again. That's the root of it, and until you are willing to look at yourself and man the controls of your own emotional issues instead of looking to some dude out there to mend it up for you, you'll keep finding yourself in situations like this of one sort or another. I haven't even met you and I could sniff out in your first post that you had unrealistic expectations of what dating is there to provide and that you have a lack of solid boundaries. I'm not saying that to make you feel bad, and as Blue said, many would not have reacted as he does. Many would have simply faded away, because healthy people are not looking for someone to fix up. But like tends to attract like, emotionally struggling will attract emotionally struggling. You lead with your damage, and that's mostly because you didn't actively stop to deal with yourself first, get solid there, before floating around to whatever met those needs for you from the outside. Think about why you recoil at being on your own, really. It's not about love, love is not so needy. He meets needs for you that are your responsibility to fill for yourself. Link to comment
bluecastle Posted September 10, 2019 Share Posted September 10, 2019 I've tried to step in his shoes over this issue before. I know it can sting when you think of the person you really like and how they were sleeping with someone else at the time, but it's not like I was screwing or even kissing both guys in the same time period... he makes it seem like it was that. And you're right, I was only thinking of myself at the time. I just wanted to have some "fun" and experience sleeping with others while I was single because I've never done that before. I slept with this guy 3 weeks before my bf asked me to be his gf. Is it wrong that I didn't think of what my now bf would have felt at the time? Should I have? You can't quite step into his shoes because they are sick shoes that only fit sick people, you see? They make no sense, save the sense they make to him. You even trying to "be understanding" about this does you a disservice. It's like trying to understand someone who is convinced night is day. Keep trying and you'll kind of go mad. Past the abuse stuff, this is all just really shallow. It has the illusion of something else, because it's connected to men and sex, but it's just nonsense that gets in the way of anything like real love, real connection. If you were dating someone, after all, who needed you to see that morning was night—and who had long conversations about this every week—you'd just be bored. This is the same. Your behavior, right before meeting him, was FINE. You can have sex like that without being punished. It is called being single. It is no biggie, and is only a biggie because you're trying to wear sick person shoes. And, per an earlier post of mine, I think that's because a part of you is very, very eager for new men to cure the scars from past men, for sex and love to be something of a distraction from yourself rather than a connection point—within, with others. Which is a little thorn to pluck out. I've done some plucking along those lines. It's life. But what you are doing right now is rolling around in a thorn bush, giving yourself more scars, more things to pluck out. And that will become more and more intimidating the longer you stay in this. And when you get out? The instinct to find a man who can listen to you, nurture you, let you lean on him will be more pronounced—and the only dude who is going to have patience for making this saga part of his new saga with you is going to be a pretty unhealthy dude himself. Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted September 10, 2019 Share Posted September 10, 2019 Step back until you can get out of this. Be indifferent. just say "whatever".He doesn't believe that he's wrong. When I tell him we weren't together, he starts thinking that I'm trying to "twist" his views Link to comment
Rabican Posted September 10, 2019 Share Posted September 10, 2019 Sit him down and simply say look, you need to get over this or we're done. It's that simple. You don't have a time machine, you can't undo it, maybe you would if you could but you can't. But you can decide not to spend the rest of your days being berated for doing something that wasn't technically wrong at the time.. This issue is his issue and his burden to get over. Not your burden to deal with for years. Tell him simply it's me, or your endless hang-up on this old hookup. You can't have both. If he picks you, tell him you never want to hear about it again. Ever. Link to comment
bluecastle Posted September 10, 2019 Share Posted September 10, 2019 Sit him down and simply say look, you need to get over this or we're done. It's that simple. You don't have a time machine, you can't undo it, maybe you would if you could but you can't. But you can decide not to spend the rest of your days being berated for doing something that wasn't technically wrong at the time.. This issue is his issue and his burden to get over. Not your burden to deal with for years. Tell him simply it's me, or your endless hang-up on this old hookup. You can't have both. If he picks you, tell him you never want to hear about it again. Ever. I mean, I could maybe get behind this if we were talking about an insecure, wet-noodle type of dude—a generally sweet and caring guy who, once or twice a week, gets a little inexplicably sullen and, when asked about it, says, "I know it's lame, babe, but I keep thinking about that dude from when we were talking..." And, tired of saying "Awww, babe, you're all I think about!" for the 12th time she has to lay down the law and see if it can be respected. This dude, though? This is different. He is degrading her, with shockingly offensive language, basically making her feel like all the awful words women get called that men get a pass on. That kind of talk alone, I'm sorry, is a reason to get out. I'm a dude. I've felt insecure, furious, confused, you name it, around women I've liked, not always justifiably; I do not have those reflexes. I'm not perfect or anything, I've said hurtful things, but that is pure nastiness. That is lava from an active volcano. Get near it and you get hurt. A lot of us have relationships, especially when we're young, that teach us exactly what not to want from relationships. This, to my eyes, should be one of those. Link to comment
Rose Mosse Posted September 10, 2019 Share Posted September 10, 2019 He's just another bully and you're just another number. What matters going forward is what you do for yourself and where you take this. Good luck. Link to comment
boltnrun Posted September 11, 2019 Share Posted September 11, 2019 The time to tell him "knock it off or it's over" is long past. He's getting off on this. THAT is what's scary. The enjoyment he gets from beating you down verbally is frightening. I fear that if you did try to lay down the law he'd escalate. NO WAY is he going to allow you to take his favorite toy away! And it doesn't surprise me that he "comforted" you through a breakup. He saw a vulnerable, hurting woman and he pounced like the predator he is. One more thing, please stop saying "it's not that easy!!!" NO ONE on here said it was or would be "easy"!! But it's the RIGHT thing to do. Link to comment
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