Bf won't let go of the fact that I slept w/ someone before getting exclusive

[Cannelle]

We did break up, but we still kept in little contact yesterday. Yesterday evening I actually downloaded a software to retrieve all of our old texts from the very beginning because I wanted to really know what we said to each other. The whole reason all of this drama arose was because he swore he told me he wanted to be serious with me and that I told him the same, but I "still went and slept with the other guy." I've always told him I never said that.

Well I was right the entire time, I saw our old texts and it was just him confessing his feelings to me and not telling me he wanted to become serious with me. I sent him a PDF file of these screenshots and he said he doesn't deserve me anymore, that he was wrong, that he hopes I can forgive him, that I was so good to him but he was awful to me, that he feels like a crazy person now. I'm sure he feels like the biggest idiot now. For some reason, after finally retrieving those texts, I can't cry when I think of him anymore. I definitely have less love for him now. And it feels good

 

Wow Somegirl here's the thing:

 

You BOTH still have a distorted understanding of what abuse is.

 

1. His side: Now that he realized he was wrong about the reasons for the abuse, he finally "feels bad" for it. Meaning he still think abusing someone every single week for 9 months is perfectly acceptable under some circumstances. So he has NOT understood anything. The lesson to be learned here is that a decent man NEVER chooses to abuse and hurt someone in order to cope with is own insecurities, anger, pain etc.

 

2. Your side: You are STILL trying to prove to him that you didn't deserve the abuse because you didn't do anything wrong. You were the "good girl" so to speak. That's like a rape victim saying she didn't deserve the rape because she didn't wear a miniskirt. Do you see my point? Abuse is ALWAYS wrong. Even if god forbid, you had cheated on him 3 months in the relationship , he still wouldn't get a pass for abusing you. Other healthier options would be available, like breaking up with you. You guys are playing another version of the same game.

 

You made some progress though and you were brave enough to put some distance between the two of you. You're also open to see the relationship with other glasses so I'd say you're on the right track.

 

Therapy will teach you to be assertive, to learn to love and respect yourself enough to stop the abuse right for the start and dump any abuser whether they understand that they were wrong or not.

 

By the way, of course he "feels like an idiot" now: He lost (almost) you. It's not so much about the PDF. Get back together with him and you might be the one who feels like the idiot. Old habits dies hard.

 

Keep up the good work. We're here for you.

[somegirl313]

Do abusers ever change? Would therapy help him change his ways?

[Seraphim]

Nope. Very seldom.

Do abusers ever change? Would therapy help him change his ways?

[boltnrun]

Do abusers ever change? Would therapy help him change his ways?

 

Do you remember my previous post, where I gave you the statistics regarding abusers and therapy?

 

He is not (allegedly) going to therapy because he realized ON HIS OWN that he's an abuser and he sincerely wants to stop. He's SAYING he's going as a tactic to bring you back under his control.

 

So, no, therapy in his case will not work.

 

I predict that IF he actually does book a therapy appointment he'll find some excuse to stop going.

[Cannelle]

[

 

Do abusers ever change?

 

Some of them do change but it takes 3 things:

1. The will to do so (not just to get the girl back)

2.The long work required to change

3. Time: It can take years

 

Think of it that way: You've been an "abuser" (sort of)...to YOURSELF: you failed to recognize the signs of abuse, you failed to protect yourself. You endured that painful situation and why? because your need to be loved by some one else is stronger than your love for your self. You are still focusing on not losing his love. You want so hard for him to see that you didn't do anything wrong. His opinion of you is so important that you engaged in proving yourself right to him for 9 months. Trying to prove that you are worthy of his love. You are still not protecting yourself. You are trying to make HIM change so he can love you sanely and Then, you won't have to change. Meaning, be an assertive woman who get automatically repulsed by someone belittling her.

 

See? you are resisting to change. That's normal. That's human. But it's dangerous for your well being.

So if you have a hard time to change, do you think he can change just after even a few months of therapy?

Don't forget that YOU also have to change, so for now, focus on that. so you can be ready for a healthy relationship. Try to function without him for awhile...Dare yourself to be happy without him. Knowing you can make it without him will give you strength.

 

Focus on the present...Later you will know what to do with him...

[boltnrun]

Emotional Abuse Treatment for the Abuser

"Sometimes, the victim is able to coerce the abuser into emotional abuse treatment either in a couple or individual therapy setting. This is rarely helpful and can actually harm the relationship. In couple's therapy, the abuser has the chance to misrepresent themselves, paint themselves as a victim and charm the therapist into believing there is nothing wrong with them and indicating that the victim has all the problems. Most abusers are skilled manipulators and quite capable of getting a therapist, particularly one not specializing in emotional abuse, on their side.1

 

Individual therapy for emotional abuse is even worse because then the therapist doesn't even have the victim's take on the interaction at all. The therapist is likely to acknowledge the feelings of the abuser which the abuser will take as a tacit endorsement of their emotionally abusive behavior.

 

Even if the individual therapy is successful in dealing with the deep-seated emotional problems of the abuser, this can simply make the abuser angry and give him or her another reason to emotionally abuse the victim: "It's so hard being me and now I have to deal with all your crap."

 

Only if the emotional abuser acknowledges that they have a problem with emotional abuse and are prepared to openly deal with it can emotional abuse therapy even have a chance to be successful. Most emotional abusers are not prepared to admit their behavior to a therapist, however."

 

Source:

https://www.healthyplace.com/abuse/emotional-psychological-abuse/emotional-abuse-treatment-and-therapy

[abitbroken]

Do abusers ever change? Would therapy help him change his ways?

 

Its not about him - its about you deciding you deserve more than abuse and leaving him behind.

[Wiseman2]

No. Especially when you invite and encourage it by sticking around for it. Talk to your parents. Therapy is for you, not him. He's not the one with the problem, you are. He is just having fun treating you like dirt, like a little wind-up toy he controls. You're the one who loves a complete jerk. And worse, think that this is "love".

Do abusers ever change? Would therapy help him change his ways?

[nutbrownhare]

Would therapy help him change his ways?

 

Highly unlikely. But therapy might help YOU change YOURS, so you stop finding his behaviour acceptable. It is very dangerous to hang around in a relationship on the expectation that the other person will change. They almost certainly won't if you stick around. You cannot change another person.

 

But you can change yourself!

[Wiseman2]

How old are you? It's been over 150 posts, that you ignore it's time you ask your therapist for help.

Do abusers ever change? Would therapy help him change his ways?

[boltnrun]

How old are you? It's been over 150 posts, that you ignore it's time you ask your therapist for help.

 

She is 21. He is 23.